Video of the day

DJ Steve Porter is back with Press Hop 2.



"I'ma take ma talents to South Beach!!"

....Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood....

"I'ma take ma talents to South Beach!!"

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.20

Roman Polanski birthday cards. $5 or give 'em some champagne and quaaludes and see if you can get it for free.

Matt Taibbi pauses from pointing out financial reform vote buying and various Senate charades surrounding credit card reform to point out a new study from Maplight.org on contributions to our elected betters from our corporate masters during the financial reform process. The final tally: 38 Senators who opposed the bill received an average of $103,266 in campaign contributions from commercial banks, the 60 Senators who were yea votes took an average of $76,759. The amount of people surprised by this revelation: near zero.

In case you were wondering what exactly it was the Republicans planned to do if they got back in power this November, they held a meeting with corporate businesses, trade groups, lobbyists, and other black robed figures to hash it all out. Let me blow your mind here: they want more deregulation, strip out everything that was done over the past few years, lower taxes for rich people and corporations, cut capital gains taxes, no inheritance taxes, and they probably want to name something after Reagan. Whew, I was worried they might want to pause from repeating the same list of shit they've wanted for the last 5 decades to actually look at the state of the country and start addressing that. No? Same shit you always say no matter what the state of the country? OK.

What is the driving force behind our electoral process? I mean besides rage, bullshit stagecraft replacing any discussion of meaningful issues, and the misguided notion that we have two functioning political parties. Sports sports sports sports SPOOOOOOOOOOORTS! According to the National Academy of Science, Division I College Football wins within a week of an election can swing incumbents extra support. Other interesting facts reveal that windmill dunks are likely to increase support for more strict zoning and land use permits and Dan Marino refused to win a championship because he was afraid that it would lead to Floridians supporting development of endangered marshlands. The man did love himself some swamp fan-boating.

While you were out getting melted by the sun, science rendered a verdict on that whole Climategate thing. You know, when a bunch of right wing blowhards and oil shills accused a guy of fabricating climate data, thus proving climate change wrong once and for all? Turns out the guy didn't do anything wrong, it was a bullshit story pushed by dishonest brokers, and was a giant nothing story. Except for the part where it helped anti-science fruitcakes and industry bagmen push a fraudulent meme which the media ate up, helped misinformed people, and helped damage climate legislation. Surprisingly they don't seem to be eating up this "it was all bullshit" thing. Ah, who cares? I'm sure everyone will come around about a decade after it's too late to do anything.

TWAT!!! That was liquid football!

The World Cup starts tomorrow and America is in the midst of tentatively preparing to care, getting ready to ramp up excitement as the tournament goes on.... until the USA loses, at which point we declare we never really cared anyway and completely stop paying attention.

But in order to properly prepare us for a sport we only understand as "that thing we watch our pre-teen sons and daughters do poorly while we're hungover on a Saturday morning" we need guidance from an expert. Some might suggest ESPN's David Hirshey, the New York Times, or literally any foreign paper, but These Bastards knows where to go for that true soccer expertise: Alan Partridge from the Day Today. Here's some of his world famous goal calls and his revolutionary Soccer Meter.

That kicky, footy, sport thing

I'll say this for ESPN, while their inevitable coverage of the World Cup will invariably include chortling studio nitwits poorly analyzing games and bad American commentators who don't really understand the sport calling the games, they do know how to set up a good video series promoting the World Cup. That series would be I Scored a Goal In the FIFA World Cup Final, in which both winners and losers from World Cup Final matches talk about what the sport means to them, what the experience was like, and what it felt like to score both at the time and after. It's quite well done.

Embedded below are the parts that revolve around Martin Peters 1966 goal for England and Paul Breitner's 1974 goal for West Germany. Breitner seems pretty pissed, but he actually won. And scored. He's just really German.

Give the whole series a look. Sure it's mostly Brazilians, Argentinians, and Italians being interviewed, but someday they'll be interviewing an American about what it was like to score in a cup final. That day will be whenever it is most of the good soccer nations are felled by a mysterious disease in the week before a World Cup starts. God willing, it'll be this year. USA! USA! USA!

Broken News: Advertisements Declare: You're an Emasculated Pussy

MADISON AVE—Today spokespeople for the American Advertising Industry gathered to announce to the public that they think you, the American male, are a completely emasculated pussy, undeserving of love or quality goods, a disappointment to centuries of American heroes, a spineless fuck not worthy to be called a man, and a lowly wretch that they’d beat to death if only their products weren’t the cure to your sackless existence.

“You drive a gay lady car fit for the homoest of homos… you know that, right,” asked Chevy spokesman Howie Long, star of Firestorm, 8 time Pro-Bowl Defensive End, and Pro Football Hall of Famer.

“I mean, maybe you’re comfortable letting everyone know you don’t have anything dangling between your legs except for an IOU note signed by your maker, I don’t know. All I know is that you need to buy a goddamn Chevy before some longshoreman mistakes you for a Thai lady boy and makes a proper woman out of you in some filth-strewn back alley.”

“Even if you have a pickup truck and think you’re a man, I’m here to tell you that you aren’t,” Long spat disdainfully on the ground. “I bet it’s got lady steps and a sat nav and all the faggy accoutrements of the fake tough. You need a man’s truck. A Chevy. Then maybe a woman would look you in the eye or maybe let you see a boob for the first time in your existence, you pathetic virgin. I’m going to go have sex with your mother and make sure my flattop is level.”

Other spokesmen and brands were equally as harsh on their assessment of your fitness as someone who could be identified as part of the male gender.

“I ANNOUNCE SPORTS!!!” yelled CBS sports announcer and FLO TV spokesman Jim Nantz. “And if there’s one thing I fuckin’ know, it’s that you couldn’t hack it with the athletes I cover, you unmitigated weakling. Shit, unlike Howie I bet you actually have a girlfriend. Except she’s just slowly trying to wear you down into a nub of a man with constant demands for attention, a loving relationship, and shopping trips OH MY GOD THE FUCKING SHOPPING TRIPS!!!!”

“Listen, numbnuts,” Nantz continued, dropping his voice and sidling up to you. “I understand. Sometimes you gotta do some pretty fucked up shit, like listen or be present, to get some regular pussy. Hell, we all can’t announce the Masters on CBS and have the ladies throwing panties at them 24/7. I get it. But seriously, you alleged man, just get this live mobile TV system I worked up special for you and maybe, just maybe, your forefathers won’t weep in the afterlife at the complete gaywad their DNA produced.”

Some brands weren’t as nice or as optimistic about your prospects for actually using your cock at some point as FLO TV or Chevy.

Dockers announced that not only was it suspending its “Wear the Pants” campaign, but that it was getting out of the pants business entirely. In its place they’ll just craft khaki dresses and sarongs as it is their belief that you wouldn’t know what to do with men’s clothing if it walked up to you, framed out your house, drank a sixer, dunked a basketball, and played tackle football on the street with Howie fuckin’ Long.

The Dodge Charger brand set up a fund so that any “man” who wanted one could get a free sex change and gender reassignment surgery so that society will no longer have to burden itself with pretending like you would even know what a socket set is. Furthermore they announced that they would fully provide legal funding for anyone driving their ultra-manly rippling muscle car that happened to plow it into an alleged male whilst he was doing unmanly things: like treating a woman with respect, as an equal, or as anything other than a bang maid.

PepsiCo and Frito-Lay laid out a set of guidelines that you would have to pass in order to be allowed to purchase Pepsi and Doritos. It involves quoting lines from Slap Shot and a recognition test to see whether you can discern if something they read is an article from the latest issue of Playboy or a plotline from Sex and the City. Recognition of either constitutes failure.

“We’re just looking out for you… sniveling twat that you are,” said the physical embodiment of all things manly and consumer based, the Marlboro Man. “Just look at Howie over there. His name is Howie and he looks like the bouncer at a gay bar and yet he’s… SUCH A FUCKIN' MAN that we allow him to go on TV and call you a queer on behalf of us. It’s because he drives a Chevy, wear two pairs of Dockers, and don’t take no shit from no woman. Hell, we even had Betty White on during the Super Bowl to tell you just how emasculated you are.”

“Pay attention to that kind of shit, fucko. Betty White knows what a real man is and she doesn’t see a lot of them in America these days. So buy a goddamn pick-up truck already,” he concluded before the entire group just sighed, shook their heads, and walked out the room disappointed in you and the lavender scented state of the American male.

Broken in Brief: US wasn’t interested in that hockey gold medal anyway

AMERICA—After a heartbreaking 3-2 overtime loss to Canada in the Men’s Ice Hockey Gold Medal game at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, and despite ratings figures that show nearly one third of all available American television households tuned into the afternoon game, the United States is insisting that it wasn’t really all that interested in winning another gold medal anyway.

“Yeah, we weren’t really paying much attention,” said US Olympic Committee CEO Scott Blackmun after an unexplained three day disappearance, his red eyes welling up and his nose dripping. “I mean after all, we set an Olympic record with 37 medals, so it’s not like one more gold would have made any difference or anything. It’s not like going to another country, dominating them in their own sport and stealing all the glory is something that we, as Americans, like to do anyway.”

Indeed, much of the US Sporting and Olympic committee, as well as the American public and political establishment, were in total agreement.

“Frankly I want to thank our athletes for graciously allowing Canada to win the medal that was most important to them,” observed US President Barack Obama. “This gracious gesture of goodwill should help us out immensely in future trade negotiations.”

“We all know that this country is beyond merely grabbing for sporting glory on the biggest stage possible just because it makes us feel superior and crushes the morale of a close ally. We’re bigger than all-encompassing sports superiority and I hope Canada enjoys the medal for hockey. It's not like giant Olympic hockey wins are part of this country's illustrious sporting history, anyway.” he concluded, trailing off, muttering something about “Eruzione” and “the dirty Commies.”

In addition to noting how much it totally didn’t care, America provisionally announced that it didn’t care about any sports it wasn’t overwhelmingly expected to win and that it reserved the right to not care about the 2010 World Cup. Noting that it would conditionally watch some of the opening round games before deciding whether or not it cared, reserving the right to completely not care if at any point the United States did not win.

“Who cares anyway,” the bitter superpower was heard to grumble. “American teams are still the world champions in the NBA, MLB, NFL, NHL, and MLS.”

Broken News: Inspiring Athlete From Somewhere or Another Inspires Inspirationally

VANCOUVER—Today the sporting world and television audiences worldwide sat rapt in awe at the admirable story of an athlete in some kind of sport and of indeterminate gender somehow overcame a not small form of hardship and/or difficulty in order to compete in the Olympics.

“I am astounded by this man or woman and the immense personal, professional, social, or health struggles he or she has gone through just to be here and compete at the top of some field,” a smiling Bob Costas exclaimed, his eyes welling up with tears and his soul filling up with wonderment.

“I think the American people, nay the world, or at least the audience within the broadcast scope of NBC/Universal and its cable partners, should be made aware of this stunning insight into the drives and desires within the indefatigable human spirit to almost the same degree with which we cover their sport.”

Other broadcasters, newsmen, and network heads covering the games were in agreement.

“This athlete here,” said Ivan Fecan, CEO of Canadian broadcaster CTV, waving his hand generally at the Olympic village, “has shown us how to overcome perhaps an illness, an illness to a close family member or friend, an injury, either random or as a result of training, maybe the low sponsorship and monetary opportunities available in their sport of choice, the extreme poverty or societal hardships within their own country or the country they claim nationality in while they train in Europe or North America, age, gender, or perhaps a complete unfamiliarity with the sport that they have inexplicably qualified for.”

“We are certain of one thing: this person is probably not an American,” Fecan finished.

Indeed, several journalists who were covering the story of this inspirationally inspirational competitor were almost certain that it wasn’t an American. Probably.

“Oh, I’m pretty sure an accent was involved,” observed long-time reporter for the London Times, Roger Atkinson. “I can almost assure you that the dialect being spoken involved an accent that practically assured the remarkable individual in question was from a poverty-stricken nation, possibly Africa, which all but makes it certain that this story is about overcoming poverty, lack of winter weather, and no viable economy, much less the infrastructure required to train properly.”

During the accolades, Atkinson did offer a caveat: ”Unless it was one of those rich kids who learned to ski while their diplomat father was stationed at a Swiss ski chalet. But even then, we just play up the Africa or poor Eastern Europe thing and it’s still golden, unlike this person’s inevitable finish, which will almost assuredly be in or around last place.”

The world renowned journalist was quick to concede that he wasn’t good with dialects and admitted that everyone could well be talking about an American Southerner.

Still, other maintain that by virtue of having been born in the southern United States, the athlete most likely overcame intellectual poverty, or at least four severe bouts with over-the-counter medication. Given that these hearty lessons might as well be on the table, many of the narratives focus on teaching the youth of the world about the dangers of drugs.

“Ooh, it could be an inner city ghetto youth,” one journalist was heard to joyously exclaim. “Then poverty and unfamiliarity with the sport is back in play!”

Still, privately most were hoping the sportsperson that had so inspired the world possessed some kind of weepy story to tell about overcoming some minor form of cancer or a best friend or parent that had recently died of a debilitating disease, spurring said athlete on to train harder by teaching them the value and preciousness of life and the time they have left on earth.

“The pre-event personal interest story just writes itself,” one television executive said. "We have to hump something between all those Geico commercials."

In any event, whoever this person is or was, whatever their gender is, wherever they come from, or whatever event it is they will attempt to participate in, one thing is clear: that human has moved us all.

Picture of the day

The Big Picture blog takes a look at the first half of the Winter Olympics. The agony, the ecstasy, victory, loss, and ugly, ogreish, shoot first, Russian wingers. They cover it all.

Some highlights. Click to embiggen.

Broken in Brief: Terminally unfunny man won't stop making two man luge jokes

BOSTON—“Boy, does one of them have to buy the other one dinner after this event? HAW HAW HAW,” brayed interminable oaf Danny Wallen earlier today during NBC’s televised contesting of the two man luge at the Vancouver Olympics.

“Hey, how come the flag on their leotards isn’t a rainbow one? Bwah Ha Ha!” he continued, testing the mental limits of his surrounding friends and family as they tried to enjoy proceedings that only occur once every four years.

Indeed all morning he has subjected his alleged loved ones to an unrelenting barrage of terribly obvious and unfunny gay jokes towards a sport where, he was horrified to find out, two men have to touch to partake in the event.

As of yet, none of his so called family has yet had the guts to stand up and tell him that ragging on the supposed gayness of the two man luge is well worn territory that hundreds of thousands of people have already trodden in much more amusing and less hideously offensive ways.

In fact the only utterances that have been offered up in opposition was an under the breath, tersely muttered “Shut up, shut up, shut up,” by long suffering wife Phyllis Wallen after the quote unquote love of her life offered up his views on the various sports under contention at the Olympics; namely that men’s figure skating, bobsled, the Nordic combined, the Danish people, and NBC analyst Dick Button were “gay”, “super gay”, “for gays, by gays”, “a gay pastry”, and “a homo” respectively.

Neighbors believe that unless Mr. Wallen relents in testing out his sub-CBS sitcom grade material, that the situation will devolve into an awkward situation where friends angrily confront him and throw him out of his own house, followed by a teary, angry coming out by his son, Danny Jr.

As of press time, Wallen seemed unaware of the mood of the room and cracked off a zinger about how the groin of one luger is touching the back/hindquarter area of another to the sound of his own guffaws.

Interesting facts

Did you know that there is no women's ski jumping at the Winter Olympics? I know what you're saying, "Yes, you clod, of course I know that. Every American lives and dies with the ups, downs, and revelations of the most popular sport in America: ski jumping."

I'm sorry for asking. But did you know that a women actually holds the ski jumping world record? Thankfully she's not allowed to compete because her lady parts would warp the ramp or something.

Lindsey Van holds the record - among both men and women - for the longest jump off of Whistler, B.C.'s normal ski jump, built for the 2010 Vancouver Olympics. The 25-year-old skier trains six days a week, 11 months a year and has been jumping for the past 19 years. But when games kick off on Feb. 12, the 2009 women's ski jumping world champion will be nowhere in sight. That's because women aren't allowed to ski jump in the Olympics.
...
In 2005, Gian Franco Kasper, FIS president and a member of the IOC, said that he didn't think women should ski jump because the sport "seems not to be appropriate for ladies from a medical point of view."

As a sport women's ski jumping meets all the required criteria for inclusion; participant numbers, history, world championships, international competitions, skis, jumping. But they aren't allowed in, so question naturally arise about discrimination and the ski jumping men being a little goosed about being shown up by girls.

Legally speaking, women are only allowed to be better at or paid more than men at sports we deem gay or at sports where we are allowed to take our focus off their athleticism and place it on their looking good in short skirts/swimsuits. In conjunction with the IOC and FIS, Mr. Kasper has also agreed that women are also allowed to be better than men at baby making and cooking within the confines of a home kitchen.

Now some fringe wags have passed on spurious rumors that this is somehow incongruous with Olympic ideals. But to them I say look at the Olympic motto. Now some erroneously believe the motto Citius, Altius, Fortius means Swifter, Higher, Stronger. That's just asinine and I don't know where they get their information. Most people know it to mean Swifter, Higher, No Fat Chicks, but that is also a mistranslation. It is actually Swifter, Higher, Know Your Place Ladies or We Will Knock You Out of This Competition Faster Than You Can Say "Socrates Wore a Skirt." Using the fourth declension genitive of Fortiuum means No Fat Chicks. Get your Latin straight.

But it's clear: no lady ski jumpers. Sorry. Van will just have to be content knowing that she's better than the men. I'm sure that'll pay for her training, right? Self-satisfied knowledge that you're the best is still legal tender, right?

Broken in Brief: No one hurt at tragic Torino bobsled course collapse

TORINO—Tragedy was averted today as there have seemingly been no injuries or casualties resulting from a calamitous early morning collapse of the Cesana Pariol bobsled venue, which hosted all of the ice track racing events during the 2006 Torino Winter Olympic Games.

“At this point, we are assuming that it collapsed early this morning,” announced the head of the Italian International Olympic Committee, Giancarlo Giuseppi, during an afternoon press conference.

“To be honest, it could have collapsed at any point in the last four years. We just found out today. I was watching the Vancouver Games, saw some of their ice track, and said to myself, ‘Didn’t we used to have one of those?’ Then I went to the location I vaguely remember building a bobsled course at, only to find it had collapsed. “

“Let me be clear: Our preliminary assessment that there were no casualties at the track is still subject to International Olympic Committee verification. There might have been a few hobos or drifters crushed in the debris, as well as any feral animals that had taken to using the structure as a breeding ground. We won’t know until later. All I can say is that no athletes, judges, bobsledders, builders, bystanders, or spectators were involved in the collapse. No one that would have been there for any bobsledding-related purpose.”

When asked how an Olympic venue came to be so disused that it would collapse, Giuseppi took note to stress that it was a 7,130 seat bobsled venue, that cost $50 million Euros, was built only for bobsledding, and was built for use in Italy.

“There was no use for that thing the second after the Olympics ended,” he added.

When it was asked if Vancouver, which copied some of the Italian designs in construction of its bobsled venue, had any structural problems to worry about, Giuseppi laughed. “It’ll last throughout the end of next week. After that, who cares?”

When it was noted that Vancouver had hopes of using it after the games, the Italian perplexingly asked, “Of what use is a multi-million dollar bobsled course after an Olympics?” before snorting out a terse “Good luck with all that.”

Broken in Brief: ESPN promo man desperately trying to resist using "Poker Face" in upcoming ads

BRISTOL—Today during a morning ESPN staff meeting that was set to discuss final plans for the promotion and broadcasting of upcoming World Poker Tour events, veteran promo man and video editor Tom Sullivan announced to the room that he was having trouble creating any ad that didn’t strongly feature the Lady Gaga hit “Poker Face”.

“’Pa-pa-pa-poker face, pa-pa-poker face’, that’s all I can fucking hear inside my head now. I can’t think of anything else,” he was heard to exclaim in the meeting. “Shots of Phil Hellmuth and Doyle Brunson flipping over cards and grabbing larges tacks of chips while that woman sings about muffin bluffing and how you can’t ‘read-a her poker face’. I’m fucking losing my mind here.”

As the distraught man stood in the room, broken by this fact, programming director Mark Halpin asked, “What about 'The Gambler’ by Kenny Rogers?” before taking shelter as Sullivan heaved a chair at him.

Sullivan further noted that while he felt a deep sense of shame, cliché, and unoriginality over this revelation, unless they wanted weeks upon weeks worth of poker ads featuring “Poker Face” that someone “had better name another fucking song quickly” because the Lady Gaga track had finally worn down his will and he was hours away from basing an entire ad campaign around it.

When those in the room replied that because he had both mentioned the song and sung its chorus that it too was all they could think of, Sullivan was said to have visibly died inside as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

As of press time, no one had been able to think of an alternative song.

Headline of the day

American Wins New York Marathon

For the first time since 1982, an American has won the New York City Marathon. By which I mean an Eritrean immigrant who became an American citizen has won the New York Marathon. Good work Mr. Keflezighi, the US does not regret expediting your citizenship for the purpose of Kenyan shaming. In fact, if you know of any fast guys who can help us shame electric named Jamaicans, send 'em over.

This is America, we buy our champions. [insert Yankees joke here]

What's that, Africa? Yeah, it's the return of "We got yo runners!"

Broken In Brief: Sports pretty sure it can cram juuuust a few more boner pill ads into game broadcasts

NEW YORK—Today spokesmen for Sports came together to announce that after a preliminary analysis of game broadcasts, it’s pretty sure they can cram in more ads for the wide variety of pills prescribed for erectile dysfunction.

“I know it doesn’t seem like we could get one more Cialis ad in there, but rest assured: we can,” announced a triumphant Sam Bay, press liaison for Sports. “Right now the plan is to either split screens and show two ads at once or possibly combine ads, maybe selling beer or trucks that make your cock rock-hard.”

While Sports had yet to fully conceive of a final plan, they hoped to have some preliminary breakthroughs shown to the American public during the World Series and NASCAR Cup Chase and perfected in time for the NFL playoffs.

In all they hoped that this breakthrough would finally help the sporting industry achieve its goal of turning national pastimes and treasured sporting events into awkward, hushed experiences shared between fathers and sons as conversations about zone coverage and the infield fly rule fade into uncomfortable, sideways glance-filled silences as 50 year old men appear on the TV to deliver long soliloquies about their penises not working properly and the dangers of 4 hour erections.

“Fine, whatever, I’ll take what I can get,” observed long time sports fan Dave McMurphy, who himself had to sit through an excruciating block of boner pill ads in the presence of his father and mother while watching game four of the World Series last night. “Just as long as I don’t have to hear those ‘This is ouuuuur couuuuuuuntry’ ads again. They almost drove me to kill a man during the AFC Championship last year. I'll take weird sexual tension with the people who sired me over 25-to-life any day of the week.”

Broken In Brief: Opera house tragically rebuilt after fire

SEATTLE—An overwhelming sense of grief descended upon the city today as the Civic Light Opera announced it had secured enough funding to commence rebuilding the Seattle Metropolitan Opera House, which burned down late last year in an electrical fire.

“It is with great sadness and regret that we announce that the local arts community, in conjunction with business leaders and the region’s moneyed elite, have cobbled together the financing required to rebuild the opera house. I’m sorry,” a shaken Giovanni Finnochio, director of the Seattle CLO announced.

“I know we had all hoped that this project would be abandoned and the money directed toward constructing a new sports arena so that we might lure an NBA franchise back to the city. But for now, that dream is dead,” said Finnochio, fighting back tears.

A somber and depressed mood seemed to permeate the crowd as most demographic representatives came to grips with the fact that they would be expected to buy tickets to support the rebuilt opera house. Indeed many local executives and upper middle class status seekers were cringing at the thought of enduring night after night of tuxedo rentals, dinners with their spouses, and the music, oh God, the unending dirge of classical music.

“If I wanted to see a bunch of Italians sing in Italian, I’d go to the local prison and check out the men’s choir,” said a distraught Jeffrey Logan, whose wife had already inquired about the possibility of purchasing a season pass.

“I just wanted to watch Kevin Durant ball,” he said as the emotion of the situation overwhelmed him. “Maybe even a hockey team. I’ll take anything: WNBA, roller derby, jai alai. But not this. Not this...”

As those nearby moved to console Logan, none could offer anything beyond cheap platitudes that did little to mitigate the fear caused by the continued assault of the arts on the sporting community.

You will never be this happy about anything

Audio from the Honduran broadcast of the US/Costa Rica World Cup qualifier from last night, in which some American guy you never heard of sent a corner kick to some other American guy you never heard of, who tied the game 2-2 in the final seconds of the game.

The tie meant that Honduras grabbed the 3rd automatic qualification spot for the region and will make only their second World Cup appearance ever and first since 1982. I can't tell, does it sound like they're excited? No one in America will be that excited if the US wins the World Cup. I don't think anyone in America has been that excited in years. Well not since someone looked at home prices and screamed "These are gonna go up forever! Let's turn this shit into some derivatives, and credit default swaps and get 'fuck you' rich!"

Hopefully Honduran excitement ends up better for them than it did for us. Though after a military coup, there's nowhere to go but up.

Broken News: CERN dismantles Large Hadron Collider, begins construction of 'world's largest pussy magnet'

GENEVA—The European Organization for Nuclear Research, or CERN, announced today its plan to immediately begin dismantling the 3-billion Euro Large Hadron Collider, citing both a lack of global respect for science and the fact that “athletes and musicians are unfairly landing too much hot model ass.”

In order to rectify this situation, CERN is reorganizing the LHC’s 1,232 dipole magnets into what they are calling “the world’s largest pussy magnet”, a hypothetical device based on some of the more obscure theories of Albert Einstein and Niels Bohr.

“For far too long have we watched soccer players, guitarists, and politicians walk around with the most beautiful women on earth after doing nothing of any real importance,” spat out a disgusted Rolf-Dieter Heuer, particle physicist and director of CERN. “Is it too much to ask that this planet revere knowledge a little more?”

“Sure, we’re only looking into the building blocks of the universe, curing diseases, saving the environment, and trailblazing new frontiers for humanity. It’s not like we’re doing something important like dunking a fucking basketball. You people make me sick!” the angry doctor of quantum chromodynamics shouted, his goatee quivering with rage. “Well, no more ‘bettering humanity through scientific endeavors’ bullshit. We’re looking out for number one now. First order of business: getting some prime strange.”

Those within CERN and the global science community cite not only a lack of prestige associated with the scientific fields, but the rampant disrespect for basic science, facts, and evidence-based conclusions that the public has shown over the years.

Another point of contention has been the dearth in funds for new scientific research. While trillions of dollars are freely given to the military or banks and financial institutions that have crippled the world economy, the scientific community is finding it harder and harder to get the necessary resources to do fundamental research.

“Oh sure, if I bankrupt Iceland or come up with a really good missile guidance system that kills the mudpeople good, then I can get all the money I want,” observes Dr. Ugo Amaldi, a former CERN physicist who now works teaching medical physics. “But try to get a buck for curing disease? Suddenly they’re feigning poverty. I loathe the look in a government official’s eyes when you tell them that your new therapy can’t be weaponized or used to administer a disease instead of curing it.”

“And just when you’ve convinced yourself to soldier on, you see some backup goalie from a second division football club driving a Maybach 57S getting road head from an actress,” he said, throwing his hands up in the air. “That’s it, fuck it! Cure your own shit, you ingrates. I’m working on getting fat stacks of cash and bitches.”

While Niels Bohr theorized that magnets could be reorganized and made to attract the female gender in his 1922 paper “You Will All Be Fucking the Niels Bohr Now” and his theory later proven to be possible by Albert Einstein in his 1924 paper “Call Me Big Al”, the theory was dismissed by the scientific community at large as the two physicists letting their notoriety go to their heads.


Interest in the theory was revived when in the eighties the explosion in salaries for movie star, musicians, and athletes started to coincide with world governments being unwilling to act or help fund near universal scientific consensuses.

While no one is sure what the Large Pussy Magnet, or LPM, will do when constructed and turned on, some posit that it will create some form of quantum masking that will make nearby scientists appear to be more handsome and posses better social skills, while some theorize the LPM will actually produce valuable minerals, luxury sedans, and property deeds to large mansions.

Others a hypothesize that the LPM will actually alter the degree of respect for science exhibited by society, while many simply think it will cause smoking hot butt naked bitches to hurtle through the sky towards Geneva.

“What the fuck do you care how it works,” asked an incredulous Dr. Heuer. “You don’t listen to us when we tell you how the universe works or how you can make things more energy efficient, why would you listen now? Seriously, just fuck off. We’re done with you. If the world goes to shit while we’re off getting laid and you need some way to fix it, I suggest duct tape and prayers to your chosen deity. That’s all you rotten fuckers seem to understand anyway. Piss off.”

Broken In Brief: Area man briefly distracted just long enough to appreciate womens' tennis as a sport

ST. LOUIS—Two days after the fact, John Anderson isn’t sure exactly how or why it happened. All this local man knows is that sometime during the second set of Saturday's U.S. Open semifinal match between Serena Williams and Kim Clijsters, he had stopped ogling the competitors breasts and asses and had begun to un-ironically appreciate their competition in a legitimate sport worthy of his attention.

“Yeah, I’m not proud of it, but contrary to the conventions of the American sports landscape, I was enjoying a woman’s sport divorced of all crude sexual connotations,” said Anderson, clearly disturbed by the revelation.

“It was somewhere during a third game rally that I noticed I was no longer crudely giggling when one of them grunted. I had begun to take account of their immaculate shot placement and the fierceness of the competition. It was when I turned to my friend Frank and observed that Clijsters was forcing Williams into a lot of unforced errors on her backhand that he looked at me oddly and I understood what was happening. I apologize.”

That friend, Frank Sanders, noted that while he was initially taken aback by this behavior, Williams’ end of match outburst towards a female line judge soon snapped Anderson back into action. “Yeah, when that happened, we went right into making catfight jokes and hooting at the screen,” Sanders relayed. “Thankfully this outburst helped John yank his head out of his ass before the damage became permanent.”

“Still, its hard not to respect everything that Kim Clijsters went through in this tournament. Coming back from a sabbatical after she went to start a family, entering as a wild card,and then winning? It’s really admirable… ”Sanders trailed off, realizing what was happening. “Great! Now I’m doing it too! That Monday Night Football doubleheader better get here fast before I’m forced to mentally grapple with complex gender issues or some shit.”

Hot hot hot

Never let it be said that These Bastards isn't your gateway to the heights of international sporting competition. For your edification comes the 2009 Sauna World Championships! Now I'm not going to pretend like you all didn't already go online to check out who won, so I'll just casually mention that Timo Kaukonen won by lasting 226 seconds in a sauna heated to 230°F.

I know what you're saying, "How in the holy world of fuck did Timo Kaukonen beat Ilkka Pöyhiä and Jarmo Nylund?" Listen brother, Timo just had the will to win. I know, I had all my money on Pöyhiä as well, but Nylund? Everyone knows Nylund is all mobbed up and is a dirty sauna...er. The fix was in, he took a dive. Sorry to bust up everything you ever thought you knew about competitive sauna...ing, but we never said reading These Bastards was going to be pretty, just that it was going to rip the lid off of injustice no matter where it hid. Congrats to Timo "Hot Box" Kaukonen and the rest of the human lobsters.

Yes, this product actually exists

It's official, clearly advertised on the Eagles website, and no, you can't get it personalized to say "Vick 7" or "Mexico 7" on the back. Only humans are allowed to look that dumb. Sure they signed a reviled dog killer/subpar NFL QB, but don't they at least want to go the whole 9 and have complete ironic/kitschy fun with it?

It's unclear if the Eagles will release a team branded rape stand or fight pit mat.