Quote of the Day

Paint huffing world champion Michelle Bachmann has upped the ante on her eternal struggle against the socialists, organizing a gathering of tea baggers so massive it will make MLK's civil rights marches looks like last week's meeting of the Detroit Lions fan club. Listen to her promote it:

Rep. Michele Bachmann took to Fox this morning to promote her tea party rally this week, calling it the "Super Bowl of freedom."
...
"The only way they're going to listen is if real freedom-loving Americans come here to Washington noon on Thursday, look at the whites of the eyes of their members of Congress and say, 'Don't you remember, I told you don't take away my health care,'" she said

Ok, these are almost assuredly people that don't have health care or have bad health care going to protest attempts to make their situation better after they protested...Obama keeping their taxes the same or cutting their taxes. We'll....we'll just let that one slide.

No, what I'm outraged about is calling this thing the "Super Bowl of Freedom." Oh no you don't, Minnesota's shame, the Super Bowl is the Super Bowl of Freedom! Can you name me any other event that so universally encapsulates the United States of Freemerica's values of capitalism, consumerism, sports, violence, commercialism, violence, sitting motionless in front of the TV, and capitalism more than the Super Bowl? If there is one, it sure as shit isn't teabag clad birth certificate experts enraged over the fact they might be able to finally afford health care.

Apologize to the NFL, Michelle, you made Brett Favre cry.

Broken In Brief: NFL celebrates continuation of league wide conspiracy to rig games for the Steelers

Rugged Minnesota quarterback Brett Favre, who just has fun out there, is forced to watch as the referees hand another game to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

PITTSBURGH--Following the 27-17 Sunday afternoon defeat of the Minnesota Vikings in which the Pittsburgh Steelers' defense turned two Brett Favre miscues into 14 points, representatives from the NFL front office, the Bilderburg Group, and Steelers ownership gathered to celebrate the victory, due entirely to a heretofore unknown refereeing conspiracy to fix games for the venerated Pittsburgh sporting institution.

"I'm just glad I could be here to witness yet another occurrence of our league-wide conspiracy to steal victories from deserving franchise and give them to the Steelers," said a beaming NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell during a press conference to the national media. "Wow, what's that make it, 530 regular-season games? That's a hell of a milestone. It doesn't even factor in the 31 playoff wins and 6 ill-gotten Super Bowls we handed to them on a silver platter. I look forward to ordering up this travesty anywhere from another 5 to 7 times before the end of the season, depending on the playoff picture."

"Yeah, I thought so. Just look at the tripping call on Jeff Dugan. Total bullshit. Refs had to be in the bag," observed Vikings fan Carl Henriksson, wearing a #4 Favre jersey despite the presence of other, better players on the roster that will actually be playing next year and showing an expert ability to gloss over a questionable penalty on Heath Miller that negated a Steelers TD, as well as a holding penalty that went uncalled during Percy Harvin's 4th quarter kickoff return for a TD. "Glad to see the league is finally admitting what we all know is the truth, don' cha know."

Later in the evening, Goodell clarified that, due to a longstanding pact with both Satan and the Freemasons, this legitimacy-crippling corruption would continue to benefit the Steelers for roughly the next 100 years. Almost immediately, fans of the Vikings, Ravens, Bengals, Chargers, Raiders, Seahawks, and Browns began to nod their heads in recognition of the infernal bloodtrust. Many were heard to mutter "I knew it" under their breath before declaring that this was the only logical explanation for their respective franchise's latest step toward eternal futility, as well as the Steelers' post-NFL merger success.

At press time, no explanations had been offered for the routine ineptness of the aforementioned franchises.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.24

The Favre and I
It was a romance many thought would span the breadth of time and teach us all about the true meaning of love. But like all true love, one day it withered on the vine. Such is the tale of Brett Favre, fresh off his 17th retirement, and his #1 media sweetheart Peter King. Slate traces their relationship from its earliest days of smitten infatuation, to the cruel breakup amidst rumors of a Favre/Madden tryst in the back of the Madden Cruiser. Will they ever reconcile? We'll see, since Favre will never retire, King will have plenty of opportunities to fall back in love.

All the President’s Zombies
Paul Krugman decides to use the TB metaphor method of choice -- ZOMBIES!!! -- to describe the health care debate and the seeming undead rise of Reaganism in the "government is bad" arguments against health care reform. Discredited ideas that keep rising from the dead inexplicably to menace British comedy duos, the greater Pittsburgh area, and women named Barbara. Here's an idea: shoot the zombies in the head. Either get some juice behind discrediting these ideas/getting news organizations to point out that they've been discredited....or just kill anyone who repeats them. Either/or. It's really up to you, Paul.

BERNIE 'DYING' IN JAIL
Awwwww, why does cancer always happen to the good ones? Could his confession and positioning as the sole fall guy for the entire Ponzi scheme be his attempt at cleansing his soul before death? Who gives a fuck? God has smited him with a plague for his many affronts against humanity. On a lighter note, the Post also divulges that Madoff hangs out with the Native Americans in prison, partaking in their sweat lodges, and also pals around with "the homosexual posse", but that other ethnicities are trying to recruit him into their gangs. I can think of no funnier thing than Bernie Madoff weighing the relative merits of joining the Mexican Mafia or the Black Guerrilla Family with his "homosexual posse."

Healthcare insurers get upper hand
I don't want to alarm you, but it seems that heath insurers might stand to reap a financial windfall and are might be exceedingly thrilled with the way health care reform negotiations have seemed to ditch the only possible chink in their armor: a public plan. By which I mean they are going to get rich and are really happy about it. Whew! I was worried for a second that these useful pillars of American society weren't going to make out like bandits. Thank God we have people in Congress looking out for them, instead of the teeming masses of peasants who want just a touch more gruel in their bowl.

Obama’s Team Is Lacking Most of Its Top Players
Wonder how the Obama Administration is supposed to run any of the Government Department's with only 43% of it's political appointees in place? Yeah, so are a lot of people. But hey, it's just the beauty of our system, where the President is expected to run the government without our legislative bodies or vetting processes actually allowing anyone to be put in place to run the government. Marvel at Hillary Clinton going to a international forum on international development, but having no one manning the Agency for International Development. Or holding a summit for nuclear nonproliferation with no nonproliferation secretary. Remember: when America does finally collapse under the weight of its own ineffective bullshit, try to act surprised when stuff like this is brought up.

Broken In Brief: Brett Favre wavering on his commitment to bring lemon squares to church bake sale

GULFPORT—After probably, possibly, almost definitely, maybe refusing the Minnesota Vikings offer to play Quarterback for them this season, NFL legend Brett Favre has pretty much "retired" to a quiet life in his south Mississippi hometown. But as the former MVP reintegrates back into Gulfport, members of the area religious community are becoming increasingly frustrated with Mr. Favre and his indecision regarding the upcoming church bake sale.

“I just wish he’d shit or get off the pot,” said Sister Mary Francis, who is organizing the bake sale to raise money for the new church renovation. “First he’s bringing lemon squares, then snickerdoodles, then he’s not sure whether he’s up for baking anything at all. Now every day he’s calling us with updates, telling us that he’s working up test recipes in his kitchen or whining about how he’s not confident that he’s still got ‘it’ when it comes to lemon squares. Now he’s going on about just buying some Oreo’s and selling those. That’s not how this works. I’m getting tired of his flip-flopping taking up half the church bulletin every week.”

Bake sale members grew even angrier when they heard reports that Favre had been in negotiations to make a Boston Crème Pie for a police raffle in Shreveport. For most, they no longer care that he even brings something; they just want him to, for once in his life, make a concrete decision and stick to it.

“I used to love lemon squares,” one elderly lady was heard to remark. “But now, after all of this nonsense I’m not sure I ever one to see or taste one again. I’m even starting to question what was so great about lemon squares in the first place and if they were ever as good as everyone seemed to think they were.”

SI: South Africa

Quick question: how would you sell the newly imported Sports Illustrated to a South Africa yearning to read about sports and Peter King columns about Brett Favre? Here's a hint: apartheid.

Give up? By stressing Hitler and America's checkered racial history and ethnic divides. The whole black/white schism moves sports magazines, baby.



Another ad takes on the 1968 civil rights protest by Tommie Smith and John Carlos at the Olympics, while a third ad takes on Muhammad Ali vs. the draft board. It would have been better if they were able to come up with a more South Africa-centric sporting event to sell a sports magazine to South Africa, but then I guess I'm the only one that remembers Nelson Mandela beating FW de Klerk in a 1-on-1 basketball match to end apartheid. De Klerk just couldn't handle Mandela's inside game and rebounding.

Favre picture of the day

The cover of Madden 09, due out Monday. Brett Favre resplendent in Packers gear. Shame he plays for the Jets now. As an added bonus, because he retired, he isn't even in the game.