Jobblog

As These Bastards is the foremost economics blog on the web, it is our duty to bring you the most cutting edge economic theories going. Mostly these have to do with the flagging job market where there are somewhere in the neighborhood of five applicants for every opening.

Now most of the new economic theories from our elected betters seemed to stem from them plugging their ears and yelling "Get a job anyway you lazy wretches, stop freeloading on the less than $12 grand a year in unemployment you would be theoretically getting if we in Congress could ever pass a jobs bill. You're all probably on drugs." You know, America's lazy peasant problem.

So we feel it's necessary to highlight any new solutions to our joblessness problem, for you: the unemployed hobo reading this while eating a tin of beans underneath a highway underpass. Don't deny it; we know that's 90% of our audience. We have the Google Metrics.

First up is Minnesota GOP candidate for governor Tom Emmer, who is chuffed that some bitch waitress expected a tip last night after she slowly delivered drinks that the asshole bartender was watering down.

Tom Emmer, the GOP-endorsed candidate for governor, told reporters at the Eagle Street Grille in St. Paul on Monday that the minimum wage for service workers who earn tips should be cut. Some waiters and bartenders, he noted, can earn as much as $100,000 a year, which he said is unfair to the employers that hire them.
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Minnesota is one of few states that does not follow the federal minimum wage for tip-earners — $2.13 an hour. Instead, tip-earners make $5.25 to $7.25 an hour in addition to tips. Emmer says that hurts businesses’ bottom lines.

“Government can only inhibit business, can only keep it from growing, as opposed to creating jobs,” he said. “Right now, we have too much of it, guys. We’ve got to pull government back.”

I know. This economy would be right back on track if bartending and waitressing, two of the most lucrative and desirable jobs in America, nay, the world, we treated like the slave labor they were. I'm tired of these six figure waitresses killing businesses with their minimum wage salaries. Hasn't anyone ever heard of being grateful to be allowed inside an air conditioned building for a ten hour shift? Maybe you repay that shelter from the elements by serving a few drinks or a club sandwich or two without collapsing the world economy. Is that to much to ask, waitresses?

By the way, I'm going to need you to split this check.

On the other hand, potentially crazy... you know, what, I'm going to drop the "potentially" part. Crazy Democratic South Carolina U.S. Senate candidate Alvin Greene has another plan to help revive the job market. By employing people in what I'm sure is the seriously flagging Alvin Greene doll making industry.

"Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That's something that would create jobs. So you see I think out of the box like that. It's not something a typical person would bring up. That's something that could happen, that makes sense. It's not a joke."

That is outside the box. Like outside of a padded box after the dose of medication they gave you didn't have any effect, then you overpowered seven guards before throwing a water fountain through the window, climbing out, and running to freedom. Luckily the reporter was able to finish the interview without being skinned and Alvin using his face as a mask.

So there you have it, the solutions to our problems: stop tipping rich waitresses and start making dolls of a weird Senate candidate. We'll be back on our feet in no time.

Nice to see you back from vacation, Michele

Last night, during the President's insubstantial, maddeningly vague, afraid to take a serious position on energy legislation, wet fart of a speech he did offer up one concrete idea: BP sets aside billions to a third party who can quickly and competently deal with paying out claims to those disaffected people of the Gulf who inexplicably still fucking love offshore drilling.

To most people this sounded like a smart idea. BP isn't a claims handling service, so let some entity that is properly equipped to do so handle that task and let BP get back to what it does best: blocking media access to oil spill areas and not fixing an undersea geyser of oil. But to Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann, this is a clear sign of one thing and one thing only: the icy black hand of Stalin.

"The president just called for creating a fund that would be administered by outsiders, which would be more of a redistribution-of-wealth fund," said Bachmann. "And now it appears like we'll be looking at one more gateway for more government control, more money to government.
...
"But if I was the head of BP, I would let the signal get out there -- 'We're not going to be chumps, and we're not going to be fleeced.' And they shouldn't be. They shouldn't have to be fleeced and make chumps to have to pay for perpetual unemployment and all the rest.

That's right, a third party entity paying out legitimate claims to the thousands upon thousands of people BP fucked over is just a Trojan horse for teh socialisms and teh government control! Tea baggers unite! And as an added bonus she offers a warning to BP not to let them get pushed around by big bad government and all those assholes who think they're entitled not to starve just because BP took away their means of making a living.

Nicely done Michele, way to look out for the little guy. It's heartening to know that even in the midst of a serious environmental and corporate malfeasance crisis, you've bravely hewed to socialist conspiracy theories and the idea that BP is in danger of being the victim here. Those lazy peasants and their complaints about the oil killing all the shrimp. Don't they know BP has dividends to pay out? Stay classy.

Nubs

In our day to day travels and interactions I think we find one thing we all have in common: we'd all like to violently assault a quadruple amputee for tenuous reasons. I just don't know why that is, but we'd all like to do it. Maybe it's human nature.

Now it goes without saying that in the larger community you'll be lionized and vindicated by public opinion. But then again, public opinion isn't legal opinion. So when John Law comes knocking on your door, remember to tell him that you assaulted that quadruple amputee in self-defense. Like this guy, Minnesota resident Jacoby Smith.

Bell was in no position to defend herself, being that both hands and both legs were amputated due to a childhood illness. But Smith says don't let that fool you--Bell is like a handless, legless Ultimate Fighter.

"She'll swing, push me down and choke me with her nubs," Smith told the Pioneer Press.

We've said it time and time again: amputees are predators and we must defend ourselves from them at all costs. Did no one see the Fugitive?

But rest easy, this story has a happy ending. Despite the fact that he beats her, she apparently beats him with the fury of Ken Shamrock and Fedor Emelianenko, and the fact that she cheats on him, these two lovebirds/sparring partners are going to get married. True love, dear readers.

She word good

Minnesota's shame, Michele Bachmann, is not known for her intelligence. From rallying against filling out the Census until it was explained to her that if Minnesota lost any people in the Census population tabulations that her Congressional district would be the first to go, to her continually retarded (RAHM~!) proclamations regarding health care, to the litany of conspiracy theories she believes in that make Glenn Beck look well adjusted by comparison, Bachmann is a treasure trove of hilarity.

But in all the mockery we and all decent society does of her, we at least assumed she knew how to spell or at least hire people who knew how to spell. We were giving her too much credit.

"Michele Bachmann - Amaricas Congress Woman" reads the search banner for Bachmann's campaign Website"

For those of you playing at home, "America" and "Congresswoman" are the preferred nomenclature.

I'm just surprised. I thought someone that spent so much of her time railing against imaginary abuses of the Constitution and the American people, she would at least be able to spell America. That's a major demerit in the flag eating sectors of the conservative movement. Hell, spelling "America" is the first test they give you to make sure you ain't a Russkie infiltrator.

If you can afford it, please send a spelling book or at least some phonics flash cards to Bachmann's office. If they make one with an eagle crying in front of the twin towers on the cover, that's the one to buy. Please help her out, she is an elected official after all.

Unlaw

According to the scuttlebutt, health care may pass this week. For those of you paying attention at home this marks around the 52nd consecutive time someone said that health care would pass this week. But this time they totally mean it with an extra heaping of 'for realsies' and a sprinkling of 'totally gonna happen'.

But as we face the new dawn of the imminent jackbooted socialist overthrow of our health care system, there are some political scholars and Constitutional experts that thing just because the Senate and House pass legislation and it goes to the President's desk and he signs it, that makes a bill a law. Nope. That fully ignores the right of Americans to plug their fingers in their ears, declare opposite day, and declare in "non-law". Here, let Dr. Michelle Bachmann explain.

"But mark my words, the American people aren't gonna take this lying down," Bachmann later said. "We aren't gonna play their game, we're not gonna pay their taxes. They want us to pay for this? Because we don't have to. We don't have to. We don't have to follow a bill that isn't law. That's not the American way, and that's not what we're going to do."

Bachmann continued. "Because it's one-party rule now in Washington, D.C. Their Chicago tactics, their Chicago friends, twisting Democrats' arms, threatening their own team members with ethics charges and a submission. This handful of people thinks (sic) they can enforce their will on 300 million Americans? They're not gonna do that. This is dictatorial, what they are doing. We are not compelled to follow a non-law just because Obama and Pelosi tells us we have to.

That's right, she has uniformly decreed that measure passed by reconciliation are "non-law" and that Americans thusly can opt out of taxes and all notions of legality because of it. Furthermore, the concept of majority rule is dictatorial.

I would have preferred she use the phrase "unlaw" and refer to Barry and Nancy as the "Un president and Unspeaker of Unamerica", but one can't have all his crazy cake and eat it too.

I just hope Bachmann's fellow like-minded individuals and supporters take her suggestion at face value. Just because I want to see the looks on their faces when the IRS nails them for tax evasion or the feds hit them for breaking whatever law they consider "not-law" now, and them trying to explain "But, but, but, Michelle Bachmann said...". Who knew there was a legal socialism based opt-out to the US legal system buried in the Constitution? Michelle Bachmann knew, that's who.

Video of the day

You may have heard about the proposed NBC Universal/Comcast merger that would make them one of the largest entertainment/content/cable/internet companies in the world and further shrink the number of people in this country who control what we watch and how we access information.

Amidst the House and Senate committees tasked with judging whether or not this merger is legal and should be allowed, there were many statements from our elected betters about how media monopolies are great and boy isn't in wonderful when competition is strangled and we have fewer and fewer sources with which to get an unbiased look at things. However there was one Senator who decided that maybe it isn't such a good idea to rubber stamp this merger and that maybe large media conglomerates are a bad idea. That man? Al Franken.



I know it's confusing to see, but that's an actual sitting US Senator standing up for what he believes is the common good, questioning the intelligence of media consolidation, and not trusting what he is told by the CEO's who are pushing for the merger. Baffling.

So another in a long line of thanks to Al Franken for, yet again, being an elected official that is doing something commendable that he doesn't seem to gain any personal benefit from. He even went after the White House this week for their poor leadership on health care reform. And thank you Minnesota for electing... oh Christ, Michelle Bachmann is out talking about health care opponents being put on secret lists and denied care. You know what, Minnesota? We'll call this a wash.

Good morning, here's Prince's ode to Brett Favre

Today Prince rose from purification ceremonies in the waters of Lake Minnetonka to declare his allegiance to the Minnesota Vikings with a fight song. That's right, Saints, not only do you have to face Old Man Favre and Purple Jesus, but you have to face the might of the Revolution and the New Power Generation. After he's done with you, he's gonna serve you pancakes.

Your move, Dr. John and Harry Connick Jr., your move.

After the jump are the lyrics, which were apparently co-written by a 13 year-old girl who texted them to Prince.

Purple and Gold Lyrics

the veil of the sky draws open
the roar of the chariots touch down
we r the ones who have now come again
and walk upon water like solid ground
as we approach the throne we won't bow down
this time we won't b denied

raise every voice and let it b known
in the name of the purple and gold

we come in the name of the purple and gold
all of the odds r in r favor
no prediction 2 bold
we r the truth if the truth can b told
long reign the purple and gold

the eyes say ready 4 battle
no need 4 sword in hand
we r all amped up like a rock n roll band
ready 2 celebrate every score
ready 2 fight the elegant war
ready 2 hear the crowd roar

that's what we came 4
and so much more
in the name of the purple and gold

r spirits may b tired
r bodies may b worn
but since this day is r destiny
r history – that's y we must b
4ever strong as the wind that blows the Vikings' horn
in the name of the purple and gold

But what about eggs?

The Sarah Palin book tour rolls ever on. But just a word of warning, if you want to make a salsa, a gazpacho, or have a nice slice of an heirloom tomato on a giant burger made from a meat-bearing animal, you'd better prepare it a day or so in advance. Tomatoes are not allowed in the presence of Alaskan royalty.

While going through the check-out lane, again with no wait, [Rappaport] told the clerk she forgot to get some grape tomatoes, which she loves, so she would be right back.
...
The clerk told her they had no tomatoes that day.
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As she was leaving, she noticed a man with a store manager's name tag and asked him why they had no tomatoes. He informed her the store did have tomatoes, but they were taken off the shelves for a few hours.

It turns out that Palin had been pelted with a tomato at an earlier stop on her book tour and the management at the Costco was determined it wouldn't happen here.

Superb. It turns out that a man from the great state of Minnesota, attempting to win the love of both Sean and myself for continually electing Michelle Bachmann, tossed what the French would call a "love apple" at Palin... missing and hitting a cop instead. I'm sure it was something the man and the cop had a good laugh over during the tomato thrower's violent beating in lockup. Trust me, it was catsup coming out of the man's ears.

Thus, tomatoes are fruit/vegetable-non-grata in our megamarkets when our next President rolls into town on a snowmobile pulled by a gaggle of moose to promote her book. But I think this all teaches us an important lesson: when one wishes to pelt elected and newly resigned politicians with food, it's best to shop at the local farmer's market and support the area agriculture community. When smashing a governor with fruit, you really want to know that it had a low carbon footprint, was organic, and was sustainable.

Quote of the Day

Paint huffing world champion Michelle Bachmann has upped the ante on her eternal struggle against the socialists, organizing a gathering of tea baggers so massive it will make MLK's civil rights marches looks like last week's meeting of the Detroit Lions fan club. Listen to her promote it:

Rep. Michele Bachmann took to Fox this morning to promote her tea party rally this week, calling it the "Super Bowl of freedom."
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"The only way they're going to listen is if real freedom-loving Americans come here to Washington noon on Thursday, look at the whites of the eyes of their members of Congress and say, 'Don't you remember, I told you don't take away my health care,'" she said

Ok, these are almost assuredly people that don't have health care or have bad health care going to protest attempts to make their situation better after they protested...Obama keeping their taxes the same or cutting their taxes. We'll....we'll just let that one slide.

No, what I'm outraged about is calling this thing the "Super Bowl of Freedom." Oh no you don't, Minnesota's shame, the Super Bowl is the Super Bowl of Freedom! Can you name me any other event that so universally encapsulates the United States of Freemerica's values of capitalism, consumerism, sports, violence, commercialism, violence, sitting motionless in front of the TV, and capitalism more than the Super Bowl? If there is one, it sure as shit isn't teabag clad birth certificate experts enraged over the fact they might be able to finally afford health care.

Apologize to the NFL, Michelle, you made Brett Favre cry.

It's a deal, it's a steal

In this economy and with the cash for clunkers program having ended, one might find it hard to procure a vehicle to drive oneself for your daily trips to the bar and weekly trips to the unemployment office. But thankfully eBay and the City of Proctor, Minnesota have come forward to help you out. What if I told you you could have a vehicle with comfort, the green power of an electric motor, and a top speed of 40 MPH all for the low, low price of $39,310...so far. Doesn't sound great, does it? What if I told you it was used in a crime and was being auctioned by the police? No, still not worth 40 g's? Oh yeah, it's also a motorized La-Z-Boy. Now have I got your attention?

Vehicle Description
Known as the world famous DWI Motorized La-Z-Boy style Chair, year built unknown. This is a unique vehicle located in Proctor Minnesota. The vehicle has been obtained from a DWI forfeiture and has not been restored. Engine: Briggs and Stratton Model # 19070 Type: 5641 with electric start. Transmission type unknown and is sloppy. The vehicle has front lights, rear tag light, radio, cup holder, rear roll bars and other custom options, missing the seat cushion. Curb weight of vehicle is unknown, length is 52” and width is 45”. This is a great parade vehicle or a terrific business draw. Be the only one in town with a unique vehicle like this. This is not a street legal vehicle.

Q: Would you know if this chair could beat a Segway in the 1/4 mile ? My best friend is a Mall Cop and says that his Segway can spank this Chair in the 1/4 ... I intend to bid to win.
A: Was told it could reach close to 40 mph. It also has a wheelie bar in the rear for poppin wheelies. Unknown what max speed is and we will not be running any test runs.

Auction is only open for a little while longer, so if you want it you'll have to act fast...you're going against a guy who's bidding to win!

Broken In Brief: NFL celebrates continuation of league wide conspiracy to rig games for the Steelers

Rugged Minnesota quarterback Brett Favre, who just has fun out there, is forced to watch as the referees hand another game to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

PITTSBURGH--Following the 27-17 Sunday afternoon defeat of the Minnesota Vikings in which the Pittsburgh Steelers' defense turned two Brett Favre miscues into 14 points, representatives from the NFL front office, the Bilderburg Group, and Steelers ownership gathered to celebrate the victory, due entirely to a heretofore unknown refereeing conspiracy to fix games for the venerated Pittsburgh sporting institution.

"I'm just glad I could be here to witness yet another occurrence of our league-wide conspiracy to steal victories from deserving franchise and give them to the Steelers," said a beaming NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell during a press conference to the national media. "Wow, what's that make it, 530 regular-season games? That's a hell of a milestone. It doesn't even factor in the 31 playoff wins and 6 ill-gotten Super Bowls we handed to them on a silver platter. I look forward to ordering up this travesty anywhere from another 5 to 7 times before the end of the season, depending on the playoff picture."

"Yeah, I thought so. Just look at the tripping call on Jeff Dugan. Total bullshit. Refs had to be in the bag," observed Vikings fan Carl Henriksson, wearing a #4 Favre jersey despite the presence of other, better players on the roster that will actually be playing next year and showing an expert ability to gloss over a questionable penalty on Heath Miller that negated a Steelers TD, as well as a holding penalty that went uncalled during Percy Harvin's 4th quarter kickoff return for a TD. "Glad to see the league is finally admitting what we all know is the truth, don' cha know."

Later in the evening, Goodell clarified that, due to a longstanding pact with both Satan and the Freemasons, this legitimacy-crippling corruption would continue to benefit the Steelers for roughly the next 100 years. Almost immediately, fans of the Vikings, Ravens, Bengals, Chargers, Raiders, Seahawks, and Browns began to nod their heads in recognition of the infernal bloodtrust. Many were heard to mutter "I knew it" under their breath before declaring that this was the only logical explanation for their respective franchise's latest step toward eternal futility, as well as the Steelers' post-NFL merger success.

At press time, no explanations had been offered for the routine ineptness of the aforementioned franchises.

Adult correspondence

via Letters of Note comes a sarcastic 2003 letter from Al Franken to then Attorney General John Ashcroft asking for abstinence stories for a fake book he's writing. He wrote the letter while he was a fellow at the Kennedy School of Government. Now he's a Senator. Isn't life great? Maybe I need to reconsider my Bachmann based hatred of Minnesota and move to a Franken based like.

Cheap health care scaremongering of the day

Minnesota's shame, Michelle Bachmann, decided to repeat some stuff she hallucinated this morning after she started up her car, forgot to open the garage door, and sat in the driver's seat for a good 45 minutes or so:

"The bill goes on to say what's going to go on -- comprehensive primary health services, physicals, treatment of minor acute medical conditions, referrals to follow-up for specialty care -- is that abortion? Does that mean that someone's 13 year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus that night? Mom and dad are never the wiser."

Well yeah, if me and Roman Polanski have our way that will be the law. But unfortunately those assholes in Washington haven't written anything like that into any health care bill. It's a complete fabrication. In fact Pulitzer Prize winning non-partisan fact check site Politifact broke out it's rarely used "Pants on Fire" Lie-o-Meter graphic.

Really Minnesota, how much longer are you going to make us put up with her? Her repeated re-elections are beginning to look like an aggressive act of hostility towards the other 49 states.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.11

Sarah Palin Ebay Dinner Offered -- With Disclaimers
I know times are tough, but if you happen to have $25,000 sitting around in a bank account somewhere, or perhaps in non0sequential bills in a burlap sack with a dollar sign on it, you can afford the privilege of dinner with Sarah Palin. You and 4 friends will get to eat dinner with Wasilla's own Brad and Angelina: Sarah and Todd. Now she does reserve the right to refuse a winning bid, so you will have to maintain your lies about admiring her intellect up until the very end. So give her money, she's broke and doesn't have a job now.

Ohio Cheetah Clocks In At 36 MPH
Not content to let Usain Bolt get all that "fastest this" and "fastest that" hype for running 100 meters in 9.58 seconds, the good people at the Cincinnati Zoo went out and got a cheetah to run a 100 meter dash in 6 seconds. What does that mean? That in an international competition a cheetah would run down and devour the world's fastest man somewhere around the 50 meter mark, possibly sooner. This is good information to know.

Museum Scours World For New Videos Of 9/11 Attacks
How do you get people to a museum commemorating the deadliest terrorist attack in US history? New camera angles!!! And they need your help. So if you're sitting on any unseen footage of the towers falling or the plane's impact, send it in, they need it to "tell the story." Here let me help: planes crash, buildings fall, people die, country flushes mind, morals, laws, and money down large toilet in an as yet unsuccessful campaign of revenge and justice. It's not a great story, but that's why we need to dress it up with different camera angles.

9/11 as a Lesson, Not a Memory
A nice reminder from the Washington Post that no matter how important people think an event is, schoolchildren who don't remember it or didn't live through it will always find the learning of said event to be an unbelievably boring dirge that is being unfairly foisted upon them. I think the best part is kids complaining about the length of the learning packet on flight plans and US/Afghan relations.

Pawlenty: It's "A Viable Option" To Invoke State Sovereignty, Keep Minnesota Out of Health Care Reform
Hey Minnesota, you elected this jerkoff, as well as his jerkoff counterpart Bachmann, and almost re-elected that jerkoff Coleman, so I guess you deserve to go through this. Invoking the 10th amendment to make sure citizens don't get access to cheaper health care, that's a good one. What's funny is that he's supposed to represent the "rational" and "moderate" factions of the Republican party and use that reputation as a springboard for his 2012 Presidential aspirations. Oh well, I guess he'll have to settle for signing his own political death warrant instead.

Quote of the day

Minnesota's shame, Michelle Bachmann, on how pointing out her ludicrous statements and the cheap, redneck theatre that is Sarah Palin while laughing to the point of pants urination is an evil attempt to deny America it's first women President:

BACHMANN: Also with women politicians, they want to make sure no women, no woman becomes president before a Democrat woman, and so they’re doing everything they can to, I think, sabotage women like Sarah Palin, perhaps women like myself, or similarly situated women, to make sure that we don’t have a prominent national voice.

I think you're giving dirty liberals too much credit. Democrats can't even organize eonught to pass something they want.

But still, dare I hope against hope and get excited about the possibility of a Cheney, Giuliani, Bachmann, and Palin 2012 Republican primary.....or *glee* some sort of Palin/Bachmann ticket? Oh, I'm getting light headed here. We wouldn't even have to run this blog, we could just post transcripts from press conferences and speeches. Alright Matthew, breathe, calm down, this is only a possibility, it might not happen. You haven't been that good and God wouldn't reward you with something as awesome as BACHMANN FOR PRESIDENT '12.

"If I felt that's what the Lord was calling me to do, I would do it," she answered. "When I have sensed that the Lord is calling me to do something, I've said yes to it. But I will not seek a higher office if God is not calling me to do it. That's really my standard.

"If I am called to serve in that realm I would serve," she concluded, "but if I am not called, I wouldn't do it."

Uh, Jehovah? Get off your fucking goldbricking ass and ask already.

I guess it's not a hoax

Well, here we are one day later and it seems that everyone is still under the impression that after a challenge phase that lasted a couple of decades, Al Franken actually gets to take the senate seat he won. Apparently Norm Coleman just gave up after the Minnesota State Supreme Court ruled against him 5-0. Did no one tell him about the US Supreme Court, the plaintive pleas to God, the sacrifices on the black altar that he could use to drag this out for another thousand years? Al Franken is a Senator and there have been no take backsies, cries of "do over", and barring a certification ceremony where the wind blows the certificate away while a weeping Governor Pawlenty cries out "It's gonna take weeks to get another one of those!" Al will actually be allowed in the US Senate without having to have paid for the tour.

"I don't know if it has really sunk in," said Franken, appearing at his home in Minneapolis shortly after receiving a congratulatory call from Coleman, a Republican. "He said it was a very hard-fought campaign. I said, 'Norm, it couldn't have been closer.'

"It was a nice way to end this."

Franken's arrival in the Senate could give Democrats a 60th vote on many issues, a filibuster-proof majority that could help advance President Obama's agenda.

Uh-oh, a filibuster proof majority. Harry Reid and Senate Democrats are going to have to work double time to fuck that up. Actually there shouldn't be that much work. They're always be a Ben Nelson or Evan Bayh out there making sure they get their names in the press for "bucking their own party" and McCain-esque Maverickitude by hamstringing some type of Democratic plan that is broadly supported by the American public. It's how they do.

Finally Minnesota gets its second senator. No longer will Amy Klobuchar be down a man for the Senate tag team wrestling and 2-on-2 b-ball tournaments. More importantly the Minnesota Congressional Delegation will finally have enough members to stage that intervention with Michelle Bachmann to get her to stop the drinking, paint huffing, gasoline drinking, or whatever it is she does that makes her act and think the way she does. Congrats Al, just remember to keep bringin' the funny.

So much crazy

Aardvark aficionado Glen Beck and Michelle Bachmann discuss the encroaching liberal horror and tyranny of the census, and whether Obama's Stasi will just imprison the brave souls who refuse to fill out the forms because they believed in something Bachmann said, or whether they'll all just be rounded up into interment camps after their neighbors are ordered to spy on them for the Census overlords.

One silver lining to the latest example of Michelle Bachmann's stunning paranoid stupidity: if she convinces as little as a few thousand Minnesotans to not fill out census forms Minnesota would lose a Census verified/population determined House seat, of which hers is the most likely to be eliminated. So keep on keepin' on Michelle. Self negate. Plus if you do end up eliminating your own seat I want to hear the new crazy conspiracy theories about how the Illuminati or whoever removed you from office to silence you.

Thing Michelle Bachmann is convinced is a liberal conspiracy of the day

#117b: the Census

The Census is a liberal plot to use ACORN to round up those it deems to be "undesirables", such as Republicans, and put them into internment camps.

Last week, Rep. Michele “I’m not a kook” Bachmann (R-MN) boasted about breaking the law in refusing to complete the 2010 Census.

BACHMANN: If we look at American history, between 1942 and 1947, the data that was collected by the census bureau was handed over to the FBI and other organizations, at the request of President Roosevelt, and that’s how the Japanese were rounded up and put into the internment camps. I’m not saying that’s what the Administration is planning to do. But I am saying that private, personal information that was given to the census bureau in the 1940s was used against Americans to round them up.

I think we all know what to do. Never fill out census data so the government can't keep tabs on us. Then you get the tinfoil, I'll start ripping out any teeth with fillings in them. Those spy satellites will never be able to read our thoughts then!

Remember to get Reynolds Wrap, that's the only type that shields our thoughts from the devilish machinations of Jewish bankers plotting in their bunker under Zurich.

Quote of the day

Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, taking Michael Steele's "Hip-Hop GOP" strategy and running with it.

Opening his remarks with a reference to NBC's "Inside the Obama White House" special, Pawlenty told the gathering of about 200 students, "I haven't seen something that staged since that half-naked Austrian fell onto the face of Eminem at the MTV music awards."

"Eminem was mad," he continued, to laughter and applause. "And so, just like Eminem getting dumped on, we've got to kind of regroup. We've got to continue to fight. And we've got some things worth fighting for."

Yes, you've got to be just like Eminem during a staged bit at an awards show. I was going to say you needed to show basic competence, come up with a strategy other than "no" or outright dishonesty, and stick to a set of principles for more than a week, but this is almost as good.

Come to think of it the GOP is past its prime, out of new ideas, and is dependent on references to people and events that were barely relevant when they happened, let alone now. Actually, you guys are exactly like Eminem.

The unfortunate descriptions Michelle Bachmann uses

Hey, what the best way to say that you're concerned that the black president is running up too much debt? Did you say "invent a new fictional tax rate and then make thinly veiled slavery allusions"? You can't see me now, but I'm tapping my finger on my nose.

BACHMANN: Well, I tell you what I am concerned about are the current 19 and 20-year-olds that are going to hold this debt. And it’s the mother of all ironies, John and Brian, that the kids who voted en masse for Barack Obama are the ones being fitted with shackles and chains. And they’re going to wake up one morning and find out that their tax rate is 65% or higher.

Now say you're Michelle Bachmann and you want to complain about spending levels. Of course you'd immediately want to talk about ejaculation and group sex at a meat based buffet.

"During the last 100 days we have seen an orgy. It would make any local smorgasbord embarrassed," Bachmann said. She then told the crowd that April 26 was National Debt Day, which conservatives commemorate as the moment government spending outpaces revenue. As Bachmann explains, "The government spent its wad by April 26."

I don't know what Swedish restaurants she's going to, but I want to join her.