Product whoring

Holy Toast! For the man or woman on the go who doesn't have time to wait around for important religious figures to up an appear in their food out of the blue. I need the Virgin Mary to appear in my 7-grain bagel TODAY!

Me? I'm a Buddha man. Jesus and Mary are more lunch time, tortilla and grilled cheese religious figures. When I'm hungry in the morning I want to smear peanut butter and strawberry jam over a burned in image of Siddhārtha Gautama. To each his own, I guess.

Gear up to fight the undead

I know in recent months we've been focusing too heavily on various health, nuclear, and financial based apocalypses. SO much so that we've taken our focus off the real apocalyptic threat that we all wish and know is coming: zombie apocalypse. We accept full blame. We know that we should be preparing you to fight the undead and we have failed.

But there is still time. The dead have not yet risen. So it is with that that we are able to pass on a way to fight the zombies and still be fashion forward. Thanks to Uncrate Garb, you too can outfit yourself in the latest zombie survival tech.

This urgent installment of Garb is brought to you by Roger Ma, author of The Zombie Combat Manual: A Guide to Fighting the Living Dead ($10; Out today).

Backpack: Arc'teryx Naos 55 ($379), with minimal straps to prevent snagging on undead fingers. Long Range Weapon: Bully Tools Sidewalk Scraper ($33), to avoid close encounters. Melee Weapon: Zak Tools Halligan Bar ($160), a rescue tool with combat applications. Close Combat Weapon: Boker Applegate Combat Knife ($121), with the unique Besh Wedge design. Eye Protection: Wiley X-SG-1 ($103), to guard against errant splatter. Gloves: Oakley Factory Pilot Glove ($70), with protective carbon fiber plating. Body Armor: Fox Titan Jacket ($139), to protect upper torso vulnerabilities. Shirt and Pants: the flame-resistant Massif Combat Shirt ($170) and 5.11 Flash Pants ($50), because fires break out when hell breaks loose. Boots: Danner 453 Steel Toe GTX ($160), comfort of a hiker with the punch of steel.

I will quibble with some of their choices. I would suggest a FatMax Xtreme Fubar Functional Utility Bar for your utility/zombie smashing crowbar. It's functional, multi-use, solidly constructed, and has some skull bashing heft to it. One might also want to consider a tomahawk. Who could forget shotguns and re-loaders? One can't count on gun stores to be open or society to be functioning when you need to take down a horde from a distance. You might also want to try a higher collar or perhaps a full facial mask to protect from the zombies that jump out out of nowhere from behind. Extra leg protection is good as well, you don't want to be turned by a zombie that is crawling. The indignity!

I hope this has been able to help you out somewhat in the event that hell fills up and the dead rise within the next few months. Your protection from the undead is your own responsibility. Sean and I can't be expected to save all of you as we rebuild society and come to rule it.

Pretty sure we're all aware of what his thinking was

Yeah, that's the disembodied voice of Earl Woods asking Tiger what his "thinking was." You can almost hear the late Mr. Woods reaching out from beyond the grave, compelling his embattled son to quit moping and "Get out there and sell some shit!"



More on this shitshow later.

Things I need to own

A replica time map from the Terry Gilliam classic Time Bandits. Soon I'll be able to traverse time, hang with dwarves, kidnap children, interact with Sean Connery over a number of different periods, confront Evil, and get chewed out by the Supreme Being for stealing from Him.

Broken News: Advertisements Declare: You're an Emasculated Pussy

MADISON AVE—Today spokespeople for the American Advertising Industry gathered to announce to the public that they think you, the American male, are a completely emasculated pussy, undeserving of love or quality goods, a disappointment to centuries of American heroes, a spineless fuck not worthy to be called a man, and a lowly wretch that they’d beat to death if only their products weren’t the cure to your sackless existence.

“You drive a gay lady car fit for the homoest of homos… you know that, right,” asked Chevy spokesman Howie Long, star of Firestorm, 8 time Pro-Bowl Defensive End, and Pro Football Hall of Famer.

“I mean, maybe you’re comfortable letting everyone know you don’t have anything dangling between your legs except for an IOU note signed by your maker, I don’t know. All I know is that you need to buy a goddamn Chevy before some longshoreman mistakes you for a Thai lady boy and makes a proper woman out of you in some filth-strewn back alley.”

“Even if you have a pickup truck and think you’re a man, I’m here to tell you that you aren’t,” Long spat disdainfully on the ground. “I bet it’s got lady steps and a sat nav and all the faggy accoutrements of the fake tough. You need a man’s truck. A Chevy. Then maybe a woman would look you in the eye or maybe let you see a boob for the first time in your existence, you pathetic virgin. I’m going to go have sex with your mother and make sure my flattop is level.”

Other spokesmen and brands were equally as harsh on their assessment of your fitness as someone who could be identified as part of the male gender.

“I ANNOUNCE SPORTS!!!” yelled CBS sports announcer and FLO TV spokesman Jim Nantz. “And if there’s one thing I fuckin’ know, it’s that you couldn’t hack it with the athletes I cover, you unmitigated weakling. Shit, unlike Howie I bet you actually have a girlfriend. Except she’s just slowly trying to wear you down into a nub of a man with constant demands for attention, a loving relationship, and shopping trips OH MY GOD THE FUCKING SHOPPING TRIPS!!!!”

“Listen, numbnuts,” Nantz continued, dropping his voice and sidling up to you. “I understand. Sometimes you gotta do some pretty fucked up shit, like listen or be present, to get some regular pussy. Hell, we all can’t announce the Masters on CBS and have the ladies throwing panties at them 24/7. I get it. But seriously, you alleged man, just get this live mobile TV system I worked up special for you and maybe, just maybe, your forefathers won’t weep in the afterlife at the complete gaywad their DNA produced.”

Some brands weren’t as nice or as optimistic about your prospects for actually using your cock at some point as FLO TV or Chevy.

Dockers announced that not only was it suspending its “Wear the Pants” campaign, but that it was getting out of the pants business entirely. In its place they’ll just craft khaki dresses and sarongs as it is their belief that you wouldn’t know what to do with men’s clothing if it walked up to you, framed out your house, drank a sixer, dunked a basketball, and played tackle football on the street with Howie fuckin’ Long.

The Dodge Charger brand set up a fund so that any “man” who wanted one could get a free sex change and gender reassignment surgery so that society will no longer have to burden itself with pretending like you would even know what a socket set is. Furthermore they announced that they would fully provide legal funding for anyone driving their ultra-manly rippling muscle car that happened to plow it into an alleged male whilst he was doing unmanly things: like treating a woman with respect, as an equal, or as anything other than a bang maid.

PepsiCo and Frito-Lay laid out a set of guidelines that you would have to pass in order to be allowed to purchase Pepsi and Doritos. It involves quoting lines from Slap Shot and a recognition test to see whether you can discern if something they read is an article from the latest issue of Playboy or a plotline from Sex and the City. Recognition of either constitutes failure.

“We’re just looking out for you… sniveling twat that you are,” said the physical embodiment of all things manly and consumer based, the Marlboro Man. “Just look at Howie over there. His name is Howie and he looks like the bouncer at a gay bar and yet he’s… SUCH A FUCKIN' MAN that we allow him to go on TV and call you a queer on behalf of us. It’s because he drives a Chevy, wear two pairs of Dockers, and don’t take no shit from no woman. Hell, we even had Betty White on during the Super Bowl to tell you just how emasculated you are.”

“Pay attention to that kind of shit, fucko. Betty White knows what a real man is and she doesn’t see a lot of them in America these days. So buy a goddamn pick-up truck already,” he concluded before the entire group just sighed, shook their heads, and walked out the room disappointed in you and the lavender scented state of the American male.

Buy things!

Need a gift for that person who started a garden to break away from the corporatist supermarkets, agribusiness conglomerates, carbon footprints of food transport, and the lax labeling standards on organic foods, but also wants a kitschy kick-knack to decorate it with/ward of evil spirits? Well then, via BoingBoing and the Nation's Bidding for Good drive comes the Garden Noam/Gnome Chomsky.


Not as cool as Chomsky's own van, but it'll make sure your arugula and tomatoes are properly influenced by the ideas of libertarian socialism, anarcho-syndicalism, and anarchism. Which is what we all want in our food anyway.

Buy things!

We at These Bastards are nothing if not rampant consumer whores who want you to buybuybuyfuckingbuy in the name of capitalism and Jesus based holidays. But we, as of yet, have nothing of our own to sell you as a pretense with which to steal your identity, so as such we will, from time to time, direct you to buy the goods and services of others to give as gifts for the Lord's birthday.

Being fans of both artist Brandon Bird and the ludicrous acting of Nicolas "No, not the bees" Cage, we would feel it remiss if we did not direct you to Bird's creation the Nicolas Cage Adventure Set!

The fate of Nicolas Cage is in your hands!

Each set includes a double-sided 8.5 x 11 inch play background (depicting "tropical island" and "haunted castle" environments) and one 8.5 x 11 inch sheet of nine vinyl cling stickers: 3 full-body Nicolas Cages, battle axe, skateboard, ice cream cone, scary ghost, parrot, and space helmet. Click here for a detail view of all the stickers.

At only $10 bucks, it's a hell of a deal. I mean a disheveled, leather jacket wearing Nic Cage vinyl sticker and a spooky ghost? No need to do any other shopping.

Buy things!

Warren Ellis' newest t-shirty offering. Health care, scrotal death, and a House reference? I'm sold. Shame about that whole "sense of pride at living in a sane country" thing. Ah well, maybe we'll get a better healt care bill in the fut...ahhh fuck it, I can't even bring myself to type it.

I'll just take solace in the fact that there are so many other things that degrade feelings of pride in this country that it's hard for "lack of universal health care" to jump out of the pack.

It's a deal, it's a steal

In this economy and with the cash for clunkers program having ended, one might find it hard to procure a vehicle to drive oneself for your daily trips to the bar and weekly trips to the unemployment office. But thankfully eBay and the City of Proctor, Minnesota have come forward to help you out. What if I told you you could have a vehicle with comfort, the green power of an electric motor, and a top speed of 40 MPH all for the low, low price of $39,310...so far. Doesn't sound great, does it? What if I told you it was used in a crime and was being auctioned by the police? No, still not worth 40 g's? Oh yeah, it's also a motorized La-Z-Boy. Now have I got your attention?

Vehicle Description
Known as the world famous DWI Motorized La-Z-Boy style Chair, year built unknown. This is a unique vehicle located in Proctor Minnesota. The vehicle has been obtained from a DWI forfeiture and has not been restored. Engine: Briggs and Stratton Model # 19070 Type: 5641 with electric start. Transmission type unknown and is sloppy. The vehicle has front lights, rear tag light, radio, cup holder, rear roll bars and other custom options, missing the seat cushion. Curb weight of vehicle is unknown, length is 52” and width is 45”. This is a great parade vehicle or a terrific business draw. Be the only one in town with a unique vehicle like this. This is not a street legal vehicle.

Q: Would you know if this chair could beat a Segway in the 1/4 mile ? My best friend is a Mall Cop and says that his Segway can spank this Chair in the 1/4 ... I intend to bid to win.
A: Was told it could reach close to 40 mph. It also has a wheelie bar in the rear for poppin wheelies. Unknown what max speed is and we will not be running any test runs.

Auction is only open for a little while longer, so if you want it you'll have to act fast...you're going against a guy who's bidding to win!

Important earth shattering news

The entire run of the Simon Pegg/Nick Frost/Jessica Stevenson/Edgar Wright TV show Spaced is up on Hulu. Of course both Sean and I would throttle you to death if we ever met you in public and learned you had not seen it, here on the internet we can only throttle you with hateful words of scorn and disdain. So, if you haven't seen Spaced and you're too much of a cheap wretch to buy it, go watch it, all of it, right now. Though hurry, because soon even Hulu will be charging money for their programs, which is the fine for makers of quality things like Spaced, but the worst thing ever for cheap bastards like yourself.

Buy things!

Warren Ellis is launching a t-shirt of the week scheme in which you can buy body coverings emblazoned with the anti-social ravings and angry commands of a professional comics writer. Because why wouldn't you want a coffee mug that asks "Where's my fucking coffee?" or an apron bearing this slogan:

We've changed our minds

Perhaps, in our quest for world domination, we made a request in too much haste. Oh sure, we really need a naval fleet, that much is certain. But I think we've give too little consideration to our land based God-chariots. That's why Sean and I would like you to consider buying us The $1.6 million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition armoured car.


Need me to sell you? How about it's made by the same company, RussoBaltique, that built armoured vehicles for Tsar Nicholas, Vladimir Lenin and Leon Trotsky. Yeah, two people who were brutally murdered and another who was hit by numerous assassination attempts. I think it's important to note that all these things happened outside their RussoBaltiques, not inside. I'm sold on the protection. But what about the luxury?

The bulletproof windows are gold-plated, the exhaust is made of tungsten, the gauges are encrusted with diamonds and rubies and the exterior has a Kevlar coating.

The car also comes with three bottles of the world’s most expensive Vodka, RussoBaltique, although the website does warn prospective buyers not to drink and drive.
...
Dartz’s armoured vehicles weigh roughly 4 tonnes, are powered by V8s putting out between 300kW and 400kW and are “rocket grenade-proof” according to the website.

But what about something for a discerning and classy individual, like myself?

The Russian armoured-car builder is boasting that its latest vehicle has seats covered with “whale-penis leather”

I'll take ten.

A request

I know we're fond of making requests here. Laugh at this, deride that, obey this, burn that, kill that. But Sean and I would like to once make a selfish request for us. By which I mean in addition to the near daily requests for power, prestige, and influence that you have failed to deliver to us. Anyway, we want one of these:


Probably two, hopefully a fleet. It's the $170,000 WaterCar Python. It is essentially a Corvette combined with a luxury speedboat. Autopia says it "offends all five sense on land and water" but they failed to count the offenses towards any sense of decency, dignity, or the kind of taste that allows you to discern what is aesthetically pleasing.

I'm not allowed to tell you what they're for, but it does involve an invasion of a sort. So please, if you're one of the many billionaires and rich Arab oil sheiks who I'm certain read this blog, buy us a couple dozen. We'll supply our own quasi-militaristic garb and loudspeakers blaring "Flight of the Valkyries."

Before I forget...

You need to see this:

* South Africa's come a long way thanks to Nelson Mandela, and now so can your car.
* Lead the struggle against stink with the essence of Cookies.

I wouldn't have thought that Nelson Mandela smelled like cookies, I would have thought he smelled of something that more represented his quality of perseverance. Maybe they could have used smell to represent those who oppressed him....say a Dutch Apple Pie scent. But then again, I'm not an air freshener scientist.

Still, it is a fitting tribute. What was it Mandela said?

Never, never and never again shall it be that this beautiful land will again experience the oppression of one by another...the oppression of foul car odor.

I think he'd be proud, looking down from hea...oh shit he's still alive. I wonder if he licensed this?

Brand marketing we can get behind

Via Hello Kitty Hell come the horrible new knowledge of the existence of a 50,000 volt Hello Kitty taser and a customized Hello Kitty AK-47, dubbed the HK-47. Because if you're killing/shocking something, shouldn't it be pink and have an adorable Japanese cartoon kitty on it?

MEAT CARDS

Oh yes, this is real. Why hand some one a piece of paper and ink when you can hand them a hunk of meat burned by a laser. They'll remember you. They won't remember any of your contact information though, because they'll have eaten it. Still, it's based around the always sound premise that carrying around a pocket full of dried and cured meat is the way towards business success.

We start with 100% beef jerky, and SEAR your contact information into it with a 150 WATT CO2 LASER.

Screw die-cutting. Forget about foil, popups, or UV spot lamination. THESE business cards have two ingredients:
MEAT AND LASERS.

Unlike other business cards, MEAT CARDS will retain value after the econopocalypse. Hoard and barter your calorie-rich, life-sustaining cards.

MEAT CARDS do not fit in a Rolodex, because their deliciousness CANNOT BE CONTAINED in a Rolodex.

Availability announcements soon. Initially will be available in beef, turkey, ostrich, and human, with smoked or teriyaki options. Follow new developments on Twitter.

Important recall announcement

I Heart Guts is sad to inform you that we have issued a voluntary recall for one of our products, the Uterus Plush. For those of you who noticed our impromptu hysterectomy, here’s the story: In an effort to make sure our toys are safe for all ages, the uterus plush failed a child toy safety standards test — basically, if you pull too hard on the fallopian tubes, the ovary pops off, creating a potential choking hazard for small children. While we figured a plush uterus might not be of great interest to kids — we designed it as a collectible plush for adults and marked them for ages 3 and up — we want to be absolutely sure no harm comes from playing with our guts.

I'll have you all know that a safer version is back up for sale at the bargain price of $14.00.

Product whore of the day

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

In the sub-zero wasteland of the planet Hoth, only the strong survive... and of course those lucky Jedi protected by the thick skin of a Tauntaun. Now after exhaustive movie viewing research and analysis ThinkGeek Labs has isolated the exact synthetic compounds needed to re-create Tauntaun fur. What have we done with this supreme knowledge? Created a Tauntaun sleeping bag of course.

Is it wrong or pathetic that I'm mad they don't make an adult version? At least me make some intestine sheets, I'll find the grey fur duvet on my own.

Jesus approved

Dieting With Jesus Magnet Set

$10.99

"And the Lord did say unto his people 'hit the weight machine and work on your pecs,' because the lord hates a saggy chest."

"And yea did his people rejoice, then do 4 sets of 15, pausing to rest for 30 seconds in between."

For drinks or for killing without a trace

Ever wish you had a method of not only killing your enemies without a trace while also at the same time providing a nice cool down on a hot summer day? We all have, and thanks to the fine people at Find me a gift.co.uk we now have that capability. Use them wisely.

h/t Like Cool