Video of the day

Artists BLU use the mediums of paint, stop-motion animation, and too much free time to surmise the origins of the universe and the end of human life.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.21

Moritz Resl's 2010 FIFA World Cup.

Alan Greenspan and Paul Krugman got into a economic slap fight over the weekend with competing op-eds. Greenspan arguing we need to focus on debt instead of jobs, Krugman arguing jobs instead of debt. Let's see, do we believe the tired old man who sat at the apex of this crisis unable to see what was going on or do anything about it, or do I believe the guy who just won a Nobel and has been horrifyingly right every step of the way. What's that? Unemployment is hovering at 10% and focusing on the debt by cutting spending will kill more jobs? Gee, hard to see who to listen to on this point.

On that point, the Washington Post looks at how our elected betters' myopic concerns over making minuscule "drop in the bucket" dents in the deficit is taking precedent over, you know, fixing the economy and getting people back to work. No worry about the massive state budget crises, the Senate has to make it look like they're listening to the ill-thought out concerns of voters by being fake concerned about the deficit. So a year from now when we're all eating catfood underneath an abandoned freeway, remember to thank them all for they way they knocked down the deficit by $5 bucks.

After 28 years the Bloody Sunday killings were officially ruled unlawful at the conclusion of a 12 year inquiry by Lord Saville. Apparently shooting the Irish under flimsy pretenses and then claiming they all had guns and you were under attack isn't, in the strictest sense, legal. But hey, they finally got to the bottom of it after three decades. See what you have to look forward to in 2038, Israel?

Simon Johnson looks at all the ways in which the soon to pass and soon to be heralded as a "serious fix to the an unforeseeable and unprecedented crisis" Financial Reform bill fails to do any of the shit it needs to do. Who could have foreseen that catering to banks and Wall Street and treating them as if they had credibility left would result in laws that failed to adress the things that caused the last financial collapse or deal with the fallout? But at least it's called "Financial Reform". They can technically say they passed "Financial Reform". There is that.

On the Bright, Shiny, Happy front, one of the men who helped eradicate smallpox has a message to the world: we'll all be dead in a 100 years, thanks for fucking everything up you soon to be extinct shits. There's a myriad of reasons, but mostly overpopulation and the fact that we're ruining the environment and only engaging in half measures -at best- to address those problems. He's 95, so he'll be dead soon. He just wants us to know that we caused it, we refused to fix it, and we should enjoy a hellish decades of existence that will result in our violent painful extinction. Way to depress everyone on your way out.

The Intertubes has found the only way to listen to the inane tweets and proclamations of the Tea Party set: by making them poot out the butt of a colonial soldier. They call it: Tea Farty.

In closing we give you Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age covering "What, What (In the Butt)."

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.17

For those of you wondering how exactly it was that famed Baroque painter Caravaggio died or where he was buried are in luck. Italian archaeologists are 85% certain that he was buried in a Tuscany crypt... and that he died of sunstroke while in a weakened condition from the syphilis he had. Odd, that's exactly how Sean is going to die. And he thought he didn't have anything in common with the great painters.

If any of our readers have enjoyed a Gulf oyster in the last few months, I hope you enjoyed the everliving shit out of it because you might not have another one ever. In a thoroughly depressing article, Mary Tutwiler catalogues the state of the oyster industry, oyster farmers, and the oysters. Shockingly the picture isn't pretty. On the other hand, if you hate oysters, this all worked out nicely for you. Congratulations.

Over the past few decades in American society, knowing how to do something like clean a pelican was left to pelican experts, zookeepers, and the perverse coterie of freaks on Pelicanfetish.com. But now with a large percentage of them covered in oil, it's something that we all need to know. Thankfully Buzzfeed has provided us with a step by step guide to cleaning up an oily pelican; whether it's from the Gulf or just a pet pelican that got into that barrel of oil you keep out back. On the other hand this might be a setback to BP's plan to soak up all that valuable oil with all those worthless pelicans.

The one constant so far in this year's World Cup, besides people getting outraged at plastic horns, has been shockingly bad goalie gaffes. Who is at fault? The goalies? The team defense? The head coaches who put them in? No, clearly the party at fault is the girlfriends of said goalies. The UK has already taken to blaming Robert Green's ex-girlfriend for his bungled effort against the Colonies, owing to their pre-Cup breakup. Spain decided to take that extra misogynistic step forward, blaming Goaltender Iker Casillas' sideline reporter girlfriend for not only distracting him during their 1-0 loss to Switzerland, but distracting the entire team. See what happens when you let women near sports? If there's a bear attack during a game, we'll have to completely ban women from girling up serious sporting events.

Have a dog? Might you like that dog to have everlasting life? Then I give you IMMORTAL DOG!!!!!

Elected Texas idiot Joe Barton finally had to come out and apologize for his apology to BP when even the leaders of his caucus took notice on how unpopular what he said was. But he's not done apologizing, so he set up the site Joe Barton Would Like To Apologize To in order to list the various aggrieved entities like BP who deserve our sympathy.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.04

Portland artist Alexander Rokoff painted a portrait of Modest Mouse frontman Issac Brock... standing in front of a boar whist wearing lederhosen. This is not that important, except for the part where it now hangs in the office of the mayor of the city of Portland, Oregon. Eat it, Eric Judy and Jeremiah Green!

Sean's off on a street corner, preaching from the bible he wrote and looking for "converts", so it falls to me to recount the things that happened today that weren't related to oil being everywhere. That doesn't leave much, so there's some oil stuff in here too. Fuck you if you don't like it.

Local Pittsburgh politician and future victim of having trash dumped on his lawn, Councilman Matt Drozd, has a bright idea for the Stanley Cup finals going on right now between Philadelphia and Chicago: he wants people in Pittsburgh to root for Philly based on some arcane tax revenue/yay Pennsylvania reasons. After my urge to stab him subsided, I decided to honor the Flyers in much the way I'm sure they did when the Pens were in the Finals the past two years... but then I decided against urinating on myself while decrying a league wide conspiracy against my team. Fuck you Drozd and don't ever suggest -even in jest- that we root for anything to happen to Philadelphia besides some epically Biblical smiting.

Let's check the score on BP and celebrities. Listened to Kevin Costner? Check. Listened to James Cameron? That's a negatory good buddy, with BP turning down the director/undersea documentarian's help in providing access to underwater equipment/technicians. Cameron responded by saying "those morons don't know what they're doing" and referred to BP's handling of access to video and the site as "asking the perpetrator to give you the video of the crime scene". Uh-oh, looks like I know who the thinly veiled, subtle as a sledgehammer, mustache twirling villains of Avatar 2 are going to be. Hurts, doesn't it, neocons?

In "Democracy" news, Diebold, the crooked, politically active, former makers of easily hacked and zero paper trail voting machines, had to pay $25 million to the SEC to settle a fraud case. The SEC will continue to pursue criminal charges against three of Diebold's executives. Gee, if this is the way they handle their books and their accounting, it really warms your heart to think about the way they handled all those voting machines.

In "This is how the world works" news, a recent lawsuit that attempted to sue pretty much every energy company for creating emissions and global warming conditions that helped exacerbate Hurricane Katrina -effectively a trial on global warming- will not be allowed to continue. Why? because so many of the judges on the 16 judge appeals court panel had to recuse themselves because of "conflicts of interest" with the energy companies, that no true majority opinion can be reached and thus the case cannot proceed. So that makes it pretty much all three branches of government that are completely entwined with private interests. I was worried it was only two.

A study recently published by two UCLA economics professors showed a surprisingly political effects between "nudging" people about energy conservation -i.e. providing energy saving tips as well as information on electricity usage to households- and energy consumption. Those who were registered Democrats who received the "nudges" tended to cut consumption by 3-6%. But those who were registered Republicans actually increased consumption as a result of the "nudges". They essentially scientifically showed that conservatives would actively act out against their own interests if they received what they perceived as a "liberal"/"pussy environmentalist" message on it. For further evidence of this phenomenon, I submit the past two decades in US politics.

Finally we close with the best orangutan/hound-dog buddy video of the week. Caution: you might overdose on cute and go into catatonic "Awwwwwww" shock.

If you see something, say something

New York based graphic designer Jay Shells has been peppering the subways with his Metropolitan Etiquette Authority posters.

[via animalnewyork]

Holy Dong

Controversial crucifix creates rift at Warr Acres church

Churchgoers are outraged over a crucifix in a Catholic church that they say shows an image of genitalia on Jesus.
...
"There are a couple people who have left the parish,” said the Rev. Philip Seeton, the church’s pastor. "There are people in the parish who don’t like it and have stayed.”

Critics of the crucifix take issue with what appears to be a large penis covering Jesus’ abdominal area. Seeton said the portion of the crucifix in question is meant to be Jesus’ abdomen "showing distension” — not a penis.
...
Janet Jaime, a local iconography artist who designed the crucifix, had no comment.

We must commend Ms. Jaime. It's not often you get a chance to do artistic work for the church, end up drawing a huge cock on the Lord, and then when Church leaders ask you what the dong shaped item coming out of Jeezey Creezy's britches is you have the wherewithal to say "Uh... it's... a... distended abdomen.... because of the... uh.... crucifixion... yeah, that's it" and the church leaders go "Oh, yes, naturally" and hang it up.

I mean what are the parishioners mad about? It is a Godly wang, worth of Diamond J himself. Did they want it made bigger? He was the Son of God, but let's not start defying the reasonable limits of what is possible on the human body.

I don't know what the outrage is about. I mean the Church and Christian offshoots in general have been so maniacally obsessed with other people's cocks for the past decade or so, I guess the artist just thought it'd be something they want their picture of the Lord to deal with as well. Plus it allows them to focus on something within the Catholic church that doesn't have anything to do with kids getting abused and molested and no one doing anything about it. Win win.

So if anyone ever wondered what the Lord's holy twig and berries looked like, we now have a Church sanctioned artist's conception. Now you see why we worship Him.


[via Towleroad]

My new favorite Tumblr feed

I give you Tea Party Jesus, which places the words of Christians in the mouth of Christ. Click on the images to see the source of the quote. The gem below, which you might remember, comes from Red State's Eric Erickson, who I've always suspected harbors a secret grudge against his parents for their lack of creativity in choosing his name.

I fear for the well-being of Chris Matthews

"The Silent Echo Chamber", part of Harry Shearer's ongoing "Nontalking Heads" video project, is a multi-screen video installation showcasing media celebrities as they pass those dead moments before taping the next segment. From this rare footage of the subjects in their natural habitats, we can glean several important pieces of information:

• Brian Williams paws at his Blackberry like a 13 year-old in an obvious effort to avoid making eye contact with Tom Brokaw, much less discussing what they saw in that Thai nightclub in 2004. (0:01)
• Keith Olbermann is always either reading or scratching at imaginary bugs crawling up his neck. (0:25)
• Charlie Gibson apparently just told George Stephanopoulos that it's straight to bed without dinner. (0:50)
• Chris Matthews can't stop thinking about that dead prostitute in his trunk. (1:05)

Seriously, if nothing else, watch the footage of Matthews at 1:05. That man has some weight on his soul.

The installation is on display through June 6 at the New Orleans Contemporary Arts Center. Maybe some of the GOP heavy-hitters can swing by during their $700-per-ticket money-grab Southern Republican Leadership Conference, which begins tonight.

Buy things!

We at These Bastards are nothing if not rampant consumer whores who want you to buybuybuyfuckingbuy in the name of capitalism and Jesus based holidays. But we, as of yet, have nothing of our own to sell you as a pretense with which to steal your identity, so as such we will, from time to time, direct you to buy the goods and services of others to give as gifts for the Lord's birthday.

Being fans of both artist Brandon Bird and the ludicrous acting of Nicolas "No, not the bees" Cage, we would feel it remiss if we did not direct you to Bird's creation the Nicolas Cage Adventure Set!

The fate of Nicolas Cage is in your hands!

Each set includes a double-sided 8.5 x 11 inch play background (depicting "tropical island" and "haunted castle" environments) and one 8.5 x 11 inch sheet of nine vinyl cling stickers: 3 full-body Nicolas Cages, battle axe, skateboard, ice cream cone, scary ghost, parrot, and space helmet. Click here for a detail view of all the stickers.

At only $10 bucks, it's a hell of a deal. I mean a disheveled, leather jacket wearing Nic Cage vinyl sticker and a spooky ghost? No need to do any other shopping.

Too soon?

From FreshJive, the t-shirt entitled "Hope is Fading Fast", the first salvo from the hippies and hipsters who probably didn't vote, but would be regretting it right now if they did. 10 months? Is that our wait limit on hope related change? Alright. Sure you don't want to wait until he officially escalates the war in Afghanistan before turning on him? No? All this stuff is sufficient? I understand, Christmas pre-orders, printing lead times, and whatnot.

On the bright side, this is probably distorted enough and artistically different enough to ensure they don't get sued by the AP. Which puts them one up on Shepard Fairey. Here's a tip if you do get sued by a vengeful press or cash strapped Fairey: don't lie. Otherwise, I'll see you at the weekly meeting for people who didn't get what they wanted from a politician they supported. We're called everyone and we meet every day within the confines of the Untied States and its outlying territories.

Animated .gif of the day

Don't get it? You mean you didn't read this?

"A former Rodriguez fling remembers seeing portraits of the slugger, 34, as a centaur hanging over his bed.

"He was so vain," his ex tells Us Weekly. "He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure?"

Adds the ex, "It was ridiculous."

How much do we have to pay to get a maid, nanny, doorman, gardener or whoever to get us photos of those two paintings? Sean and I are willing to chip in both for the bribing of said person and for their inevitable legal defense. Centaurs....

Correspondence of the day

The chronicle of a young child named Billy (otherwise known as adult pop-culture historian Bill Geerhart), the sage wisdom of Hustler publisher Larry Flynt, and the cruel tyranny of porn stealing authoritative parents. Just one of the many amazing episodes of The Billy Letters, one small boy's disturbing correspondence with Charles Manson, the Night Stalker, the Unibomber, Larry, the Governator, and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.

The limit

Letters of Note brings us the tale of one G.C. Haymes, who over the course of four years sent out 500 letters to various other artists asking them to contribute one thing for an art project: a description of the sky. He got numerous responses from people like Issac Asimov describing the sky in poetic and moving terms.

And then there was the reply from the author of the Painted Bird and Being There, Jerzy Kosinski....


Can't say the man didn't provide an accurate description of the sky.

Art of the day

"What You See Might Not Be Real", artist Chen Wen Ling's sculptural representation of the financial crisis. The bull represents the markets, the man being speared in the rectum is Bernie Madoff.

Art of the day

via the Jailbreak comes this look at artist Walt Creel's series Deweaponizing the Gun, in which he shoots metal hundreds/thousands of times with a gun to create portraits of animals and subvert the gun's use as a tool of destruction.

I don't know what the big deal is, I've been shooting a smiley face into my victims for years and they don't call me an artist. Hell, you should see Sean's hobo etchings and homeless carvings.

Art of the day

The work of illustrator Stephen Collins, soon to be featured in the Solipsistic Pop anthology. Click to embiggen and enjoy further.

Art of the day

A portrait of Glenn Beck by artist Michael Murphy. i know what you're saying, "What's so great about this? It's just a painting of America's shame." But in this case dear readers it's not so much the subject as it is the medium. You see the painting was rendered using a mixture of "bull shit and pigment". Finally, art worthy of Beck's contribution to our society.

I think we can all appreciate Murphy's efforts and commend what must have been an unpleasant aromatic endurance as he collected a 'specimen' and proceeded to paint with it. In any event it's a lot easier than actually enduring an episode of Beck's program. I just hope that the painting can be auctioned off to benefit Glenn, as he's fallen on some hard times recently.

Art of the day

French: check.
Big creepy skull maze: check.
Eyes hurt: check.
Promoting the work of H.P. Lovecraft: check.

Yep, Robert Boylan has done all he needed to do to get my attention. Shame this event happened over a year ago.

Art of the Day

The subversive genius of Mark Jenkins

Art of the day

The pop-culture themed work of Jim Hance. He also has some real art on there, but it's safely hidden away. If you've ever wondered just how many different ways Laurel and Hardy can be depicted as famous killers, Jedi, and zombies, Hance is attempting to find out. Also: Wedge.