Your future crisis

With the United States about to pass some week kneed financial reform full of loopholes, the rest of the world has come together at the G-20 Summit to tell the world they are prepared to do little else, that everyone agrees that it's time to focus on imaginary problems, and that they are fully committed to not making the financial system less dangerous in any way. Bully for them. 10% unemployment in the US and larger unemployment figures in Europe is just something people should learn to get used to.

But as we see what the world's elites has learned from this crisis (nothing) and their plans going forward (do nothing), one wonders what our financial betters have learned. Other than they can do whatever they want with no consequences, that after they set everyone's money on fire they still have immense credibility and influence with lawmakers, and that no matter what they do and how reckless it is governments will line up to bail out their failures. But we knew that already. They knew that already. I'm talking about what they've learned from this recent crisis to help them make more money creating the next crisis. And just what will that next crisis be?

Simon Johnson thinks he's figured it out: Debt-to-GDP ratios in the developed world. He cites a quote from a high up Goldman Sachs muckity muck. How will they leverage Debt-to-GDP in the emerging world? Through lending to emerging markets and leveraging the fact that debt-to-GDP in the developing world is about half what it is in the developed world. Johnson goes to the trouble of listing why this new plan is dangerous, the problems in their thinking, and the way it will inevitably fail, this time taking down emerging countries with it, but he ties it around the question: What is Goldman Sachs thinking?

I think I have it figured out:


I think that's pretty much the extent of their thinking, even down to the pirate costumes. Maybe there's a variation on this where Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein imagines himself as a cartoon cow with wobbly legs, playing a ukulele in a grass skirt, but I think I pegged it pretty close.

Quote of the day

The Capitol is abuzz today with our elected betters taking easy swings at our financial betters. Yes, daddy and mommy are fighting. But it's easy to swing verbal haymakers at Goldman-Sachs. Fun too. But more difficult is doing something to actually make sure Goldman-Sachs and their ilk aren't able to set everyone's money on fire. As the deficiencies in the Dodd financial reform bill and the difficulties in even getting that mediocre reform through have shown.

But we knew the bill would be weak and the GOP would filibuster and be aided by the same asshole Democrats who are always willing to lend a helpful hand. So this Goldman-Sachs hearing and SEC lawsuit are just an unexpected bonus that lets us feel as if something is happening that will have actual long lasting or important consequences. It won't, but at least there was a bunch of swearing going on during it. A fuck-ton of swearing! By elected officials!

"Boy," Levin said, reading from an internal June 22, 2007 Goldman email, "that Timberwolf is one shitty deal."

"How much of that shitty deal did you sell to your clients after June 22, 2007?" Levin asked Sparks.

"Mr. Chairman, I don't know the answer to that, but the price would have reflected levels that they wanted to invest in at the time."

Levin: But you didn't tell them you thought it was a shitty deal.

Sparks: I didn't say that.

Levin: No. Who did? Your people. Internally. You knew it was a shitty deal and that's what your email shows.

"Should Goldman Sachs be trying to sell a shitty deal?" Levin demanded. "Can you answer that one yes or no?"

Sparks didn't.

Then Levin banged his fist off the desk and asked Sparks "You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? I'm gonna ask you again, did you or didn't you? Just answer the question."

So a word of thanks to Senator Levin. Sure, nothing is really going to happen to Goldman or any of the other companies that jugfucked the American people, but at least we got to hear some swearing. If one of the other Senators could fire a gun into the air, flash a little skin, or dramatically rip off their sunglasses while quipping about a corpse, this hearing would encompass everything Americans love. We don't need you to govern competently, just spice it up some when you're sifting through the wreckage of things you failed to foresee.

Things you don't want to hear analysts say

When we all heard that Goldman-Sachs was being sued by the SEC for purposely selling bad products to its customers and betting against them, the reaction was mixed: we couldn't decide whether to laugh, pump our fists, high five the nearest bystander, yell "'bout fuckin' time", or just prepare for the inevitable disappointment when nothing of any importance happens to them as a consequence. We chose instead to wait outside Matt Taibbi's house for what we assumed would be one of the most exultant and joyous celebration keggers in recent memory.

Of course the SEC lawsuit caused them a hit in their stock price. Alleging massive fraud tends to do that. But not to worry, our financial betters see rosy clouds on the horizon and decided to state it in the most naked way possible:

Analysts Bullish On Goldman's Stock, Citing Political Relationships

Doesn't that headline just warm the cockles of your heart? Why does Fitch Ratings give Goldman an "A+" rating, FBR Capital Markets give a "Outperform" rating, Bernstein Research note that the bank's long-term potential remains "attractive", and Rochdale Securities said the stock is still worth buying? Why, because of how well Goldman has entwined itself within the levers of power and among our elected betters. Something about a vampire squid wrapping itself around something, jamming its blood funnel into something.

So don't shed a tear for Goldman Sachs. No, they'll make out all right. Little things like SEC lawsuits that say you engaged in a conspiracy to defraud your own customers don't matter, you're still a good buy. Why? Because you used all that money you sucked out of the corpse of this country to buy some powerful BFF's. Well done. In fact, buy their stock. It's probably the only surefire way to get your money back after you listened to their investment advice.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 04.16

U.S. Accuses Goldman Sachs of Fraud
Today the US Government filed a civil suit against Goldman-Sachs alleging that they created and sold mortgage investments that were secretly designed to fail. By "alleged" we of course mean to say "they totally fucking did it". Shocking that a corporation that made money off of betting against the investments it sold to its customers might also be accused of nefarious deeds surrounding those investments. That sound you heard off in the distance? Matt Taibbi's boner ripping through his pants so fast that it broke the sound barrier.

The Price of Assassination
Now that our country openly advocates for assassinating our own citizens without a trial as part of our terrorist leadership decapitation strategies, one wonders: does any of this actually work? Robert Wright brings to a light a recent study that shows that decapitation strikes and assassinations are more likely to prolong the life of a organization. What a shocker, providing martyrs and rallying events for terrorist groups doesn't help shut them down. Next you're going to tell we that bombing a civilian's home doesn't make him more likely to love us.

A GOP Financial Reform Bellwether
If you had to guess what the upcoming GOP strategy for opposing financial reform was, what would it be? Outright lying, right? And well guessed by you, But this time there's an interesting twist: boldly stating the opposite of what is going on. No mere word twisting and blowing minor events out of proportion, now, we've moved straight into complaining about the opposite of what is going on. Time outlines this strategy and how closely GOP leaders are hewing to the poll tested evil of Frank Luntz.

Gates criticizes leaks group for war video
What happens when a group leaks footage of your soldiers essentially murdering a bunch of innocent people for no real reason? Well, if you're Defense Secretary Robert Gates the answer certainly isn't "apologize, investigate what went wrong, and punish those who did this and covered it up." No, the natural reaction for him is to complain that it was leaked, whine on about context and perspective, and cry about how the leakers aren't going to be punished. You know, like an adult would. He is right though, the video doesn't show the invisible terrorist ghosts that the helicopter pilots were firing at. Wikileaks just doesn't have the proper ectoplasmic video filters. Stay classy, Bob.

Pugnacious D
With Treme debuting on HBO and being so good that it got renewed for a second season after one episode, it's always interesting to delve into the mind of it's creator, and the creator of the Wire, David Simon. New York Magazine provides an extensive interview with the man.

Shadow Caster
The LA Times Magazine delves into the noir-ish history of LA police chief William H. Parker and gangster Mickey Cohen. Crooked cops, shakedown squads, Rollo Tomasi, classic gangster behavior, and how an uneasy truce between the cops and crooks went to hell when a crooked vice squad tried to shake down Cohen. An outtake adapted from the book L.A. Noir: The Struggle for the Soul of America’s Most Seductive City. Reading about this kind of thing will never get old.

Goldman will be keeping that money, thanks for asking

The last year or so hasn't been a great one, PR wise, for Goldman-Sachs. They've been caught up in an orgy of public hate over their actions, populist rage over bonuses, spitefully insightful Matt Taibbi articles, damning news reports, shady dealings, tone deaf behavior, and a general sense they they would steal the internal organs of children if they could just find a way to leverage it in the financial markets. On the other hand, they've also been caught up in an orgy of money and probably an actual orgy or two. Which, considering the general looks and attractiveness of your average Goldman worker, could be considered a crime against decency and taste.

They are loathed and no one there seems to understand that or want to take any real action to stop a public hatred so palpable that I'm surprised Goldman execs don't have to hack through it with machetes just to get into the office in the morning. On the other hand, their shareholders do seem to get it. Unfortunately, the board seems to think the shareholders should shut the fuck up already.

Goldman Sachs Group Inc's (GS.N) board has rejected demands from shareholders that the firm investigate recent compensation awards, recoup excessive compensation and reform pay practices.

Wall Street's dominant bank, criticized for paying billions of dollars in bonuses soon after the taxpayer bailout of the banking industry, reported the board's decision in a regulatory filing on Monday.

Goldman reported the shareholder demands last year and said at the time that its board was considering them. The firm did not name the shareholders who made the demands.

Sure their dirty dealings, shady practices, and connections to the Treasury Department and Fed have basically given them a license to print money off the backs of taxpayers. On the other hand, they did cap bonuses at $16.2 billion instead of the $20 billion their employees "earned", practically dooming their brokers to a life of poverty... all in the name of the public good.

So shouldn't we shut up already about all the stuff they did and continue to do to leverage our pain, misery and money into more money for themselves? While we and their shareholders might say no, the GS board says yes. And really, shouldn't we listen to them? After all they are pretty damned rich. Let's shut up.

Broken In Brief: Goldman to add opulence stipulations to bonuses

NEW YORK--As they carefully weigh the impact of impending bonuses on public opinion, the nation's investment banks are considering policies that would restrict the opulence of what may goods and services may be purchased by bonus money.

As the New York Times reported today, Goldman-Sachs is pondering a program that would require a certain percentage of all bonuses go to charity. However, anticipating a substantial public backlash in the wake of a government bailout last year, sources say the firm is willing to go much further.

"I wouldn't be surprised if they put dozens of riders on the bonus checks," said a source close to the discussion, who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of murderous reprisal by the banking giant.

"I've been privy to discussions of policies that would limit bonus-related spending on mistresses, private school tuition, country club dues, gold-plated coke straws, fourth and fifth homes, and ammunition used exclusively to hunt homeless people for sport," said the source.

The current financial climate has already forced Goldman to advise a move from their current bonus stipulation of "spend like God" to "spend like a non-Christian God". This come after the company had already retreated from the turn-of-the-century policy of "spend like God's rich boss". Initial estimates have the scale being ratcheted down even further to "spend like a 1920's robber baron" or "spend like a foppish, 17th century English duke" in an attempt to show some measure of humility.

While Goldman is not expected to announce the bonuses, nor any regulations applied to them, until later this month, rumors are also circulating that the firm will curtail bonus expenditures on wine cellar expansion, 24 karat water fixtures or toilets, Kobe Specials, adolescent boy torture dens, and yachts christened 'Stimulus Bitch'."

11k

Good news everyone, the job losses last month were so low that they were able to print all their names in the paper. So we would like to offer our condolences to Freddie Wallace of Dubuke, Harriet Sanderson of Portland, and Dick Jauron of Buffalo.

Just kidding, 11,000 people lost their jobs, which puts us into another one of those 'bad news is good news' type situations where a decrease in losses is a positive. But it is nice to see our economy move from shedding jobs at a "10 NFL stadiums full of people" clip to a "1 minor league hockey arena" area. Also, in a development that shows me how I don't understand how the unemployment numbers work, that 11k job loss actually resulted in the unemployment rate dropping to 10%. We're inching towards the employment levels of a 1st world country again!

In the strongest jobs report since the recession began, the government reported Friday that the nation’s employers had all but stopped shedding jobs in November, taking some of the pressure off of President Obama to come up with a jobs creation program.
...
The government also significantly revised September and October numbers. September was adjusted to show a loss of 139,000 jobs instead of 219,000, and October 111,000 instead of 190,000.
...
“We’re moving toward stability in the labor market and the end of the tremendous firing that has plagued America,” said Allen L. Sinai, the founder of Decision Economics, a research firm. “But it’s going to be bleak for years. While it is going to be better than what we’ve seen, it’s still going to be terrible.”

Allan Sinai everyone! That was an exquisite hope crushing. Still, I'm going to have to disagree with the article's observation that merely moving our employment numbers to "civil war torn eastern European/former Soviet satellite" levels probably isn't going to cause Barry to wipe the sweat off his brow and start plowing through that book off crossword puzzles he's been putting off. But, the news is slightly improving, with even the "I got my hours cut/I'm too discouraged to even look for work" epic misery numbers dropping from 17.5% to 17.2%.

So the possibility lies that in the next few months this economy might actually produce a job. It'll probably be a job as a human shield for Goldman-Sachs executives as they try to get to their luxury sedan without being hit by garbage or as a member of the Gruesome Suicide Clean-up Squad in one of our many economically depressed Midwestern cities, but it'll still be a job. So stay positive, in a month or so you could be that guy who takes a cabbage to the sternum to protect a well heeled Goldman executive from the indignity of contact with peasants and their peasant food. You'll be able to take that cabbage home to eat and you'll probably get to meet Matt Taibbi. Things are looking up for you.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 12.02

Blackwater's Secret War in Pakistan
Jeremy Scahill really wants to write about something other than all the shady shit Blackwater, nee Xe Services, does, but it's just they're given so many opportunities to do shady shit and it is so utterly shady that he's just forced to write about it. More or less, Blackwater is running a secret assassination/kidnapping ring at the behest of the CIA in a program so secret that the White House might not even know about it. Well at least the CIA is getting a handle on this "plausible deniability" stuff, you just kind of wish they wouldn't use the only American organization in the area with a worse reputation than themselves.

Sarah Palin, Israel and Armageddon
Hey, wouldn't it be great if Sarah Palin just started getting really crazy and started spouting off weird Israel related rapture buzzwords, started hanging out with evangelicals who openly promote pro-Israel policies in service of the second Exodus/second coming of Christ/Armageddon, and generally became more dangerous, Jesusy, and crazy? Well...good news then; you got your wish.

UK Iraq War Inquiry: Blair Was Told Iraq War Was Illegal, Decided On War In 2002
Ahh, the United Kingdom, you poor hopeless bastards. Let me see if I have this right: you not only investigated your involvement in the Iraq war, but you did so in a serious manner, and are releasing finding as the investigation goes on? Rookie mistake. The correct way to do things is to admit "mistakes were made", never authorize investigating those mistakes because "they were in the past and we're focused on the future", and then set about whitewashing everything and making the same mistakes, either on a whole new war or and golden oldie.

Capital in the Capitol: Total House Wealth Exceeds $1 Billion
Yup, humble servants of the people all. Plus, as a bonus, their actual net worth is probably more that twice that figure. It's probably even higher, on average, in the Senate. So now you don't have to wonder why no one in government ever seems to be concerned with the plight of regular "non-top 5% Americans". It's because none of them are one, and if they ever were one they've long since forgotten it. Perhaps we need to organize expeditions into America for our elected betters, so that they may study us "normals" much like Jane Goodall studied chimps. Perhaps then they can learn to understand us and learn that we aren't all that thrilled with massive corporate handouts, endless wars, and getting bent over various barrels of their choice.

The Bank Job
This time, it's Vanity Fair and Bethany McLean who decide to take the baton from Matt Taibbi and get in a good couple of shots at our money overlords at Goldman-Sachs. Did you know that ole GS pretty much never loses on the financial bets it makes, essentially has a license to print money because of securities "spreads", and ripped off it's own customers to the tune of $40 billion by selling them shoddy mortgage securities? Probably not, but I bet you could have guessed something equally shady and ethically questionable and been pretty close. I just hope when they're allowed to rewrite our regulatory laws, they throw some of all that excess cash on the nightstand and tell us they'll call us. We could use the ego boost.

Our financial betters gird themselves for the peasant uprising

A class war uprising is coming, according to those who work at Goldman-Sachs. I'd trust them, their balance sheets show they have a fairly good predictive record. Hell, just like most times, they've even manipulated this economic crisis too. And not the good kind of class war either, like when rich people fuck over poor people, no, the bad kind. The poors rising up en masse to overthrow the their social and financial betters just because people in the financial and banking industries may or may not have set all the peasants money on fire, tanked the economy and job markets, gotten reimbursed for their losses off the backs of the proles, and have shown no remorse for doing so.

Well, just fucking try it you blue collar shits. YOU WILL NOT TAKE THE HAMPTONS!! YOU WILL NOT TAKE THE UPPER EAST SIDE!! FREEEEEEDOOOOOOOM!!!

“I just wrote my first reference for a gun permit,” said a friend, who told me of swearing to the good character of a Goldman Sachs Group Inc. banker who applied to the local police for a permit to buy a pistol. The banker had told this friend of mine that senior Goldman people have loaded up on firearms and are now equipped to defend themselves if there is a populist uprising against the bank.

I called Goldman Sachs spokesman Lucas van Praag to ask whether it’s true that Goldman partners feel they need handguns to protect themselves from the angry proletariat. He didn’t call me back. The New York Police Department has told me that “as a preliminary matter” it believes some of the bankers I inquired about do have pistol permits. The NYPD also said it will be a while before it can name names.

Ahh Wall Street, you really don't know us. We all have bigger and better guns, more of them, and we reload our own ammo. Saves on costs. Still, this does perfectly sum up your mindset. Instead of showing an ounce of humility, a shred of remorse, or one nanoparticle of regret, you start arming yourself in anticipation of the class war you know is coming.

Come now, if the poor were really going to rise up and start guillotining the rich, wouldn't we have done it, like, decades ago? Wouldn't it be sort of an annual thing? You know: rich people fuck up economy, poor people take the brunt of it, mass beheadings, lessons learned, things go back to normal, wash, rinse, repeat. Please, no; we're forgiving like that. Plus, with the economy the way it is, none of us can afford a plane ticket to New York. Plus your doormen are really good; it's impossible to get into one of those highrises carrying a high powered rifle.

So no, the unwashed masses won't be kicking it the door of your board meeting, setting fire to your estate, garroting your Yorkiepoo, before finally marching you into the public square to be tarred and feathered. No, we're just going to wait until you finally, completely collapse society. Then we'll eat you as food. Have Tim Geithner bail you out of that.

Everything's OK now

I know some of you are worried about the state of the economy, the jobs market, and the rampant inequalities and failings within our system of government, oversight, and regulations that allowed banks and financial giants to set fire to everyone's money. But that's all better now. Why? No, it's not because someone invented a time machine to go back and kill Phil Gramm and it's definitely not because things got fixed and the economy a job markets are back on track. No, the Chairman and CEO of Goldman-Sachs toddled up to the front of the class and apologized like a big boy. Everything's OK now.

Lloyd Blankfein, chairman and chief executive officer of Goldman Sachs Group Inc., apologized for the firm’s role in some of the activities leading to the financial crisis.

“We participated in things that were clearly wrong and have reason to regret,” Blankfein, 55, said at a conference in New York hosted by the Directorship magazine. “We apologize.”

Are you happy now, America and Matt Taibbi? Do you see what you've reduced this man to? He's apologizing for the things his company did and enabled! It's sickening that this country is so vindictive that we'd actually ask that of our financial betters.

I'm just glad that the apology is the only thing he's doing. I mean of course he's not going to actually give back the close to $50 billion he ratfucked out of our pockets during this whole post-apocalypse period, and he's certainly not going to think of not paying out the billions in bonuses to the people who helped set everyone's money on fire, nor is he going to renounce all the billions upon billions that they raked in while they were ensuring a global economic collapse, nor the billions they made betting on the housing crash while they simultaneously boot people out of their homes. They're keeping that money and you'll have to live with all the damage they helped cause, but he's sorry.

And while he isn't promising they won't do it again, you can rest assured that they help toilet the economy again, you'll get another nice apology. So go away and stop bothering your money emperors with your "complaints" about their "deeply unethical business practices."

Your window into the sense of entitlement of our financial betters

From a New York Times article on the TARP inspector general Neil Barofsky's scathing report on the decision to pay off AIG's creditors in full.

Just two days before the New York Fed paid A.I.G.’s partners 100 cents on the dollar to tear up their contracts with the insurance giant, one bank volunteered to take a modest haircut — but it never got the chance.

UBS, of Switzerland, alone offered to give a break to the New York Fed in the negotiations last November over how to keep A.I.G. from toppling and taking other banks down with it. It would have accepted 98 cents on the dollar.

But UBS’s good-faith gesture was quickly drowned out by Goldman Sachs and the top French bank regulator. They argued, with others, that it would be improper and perhaps even criminal to force A.I.G.’s trading partners to bear losses outside of bankruptcy court.

Those are some balls on display. First by UBS, agreeing to take 98 cents on the dollar instead of 100 cents and pretending it is some grand compromise when their assets were worth 40 cents on the dollar, and then by Goldman-Sachs, who claimed that it would be illegal if they didn't get all their money in full. Thankfully they all got every penny that was owed to them. Why? Because Tim Geithner knows how to treat his old bosses. Is there a position higher than Treasury Secretary we can put him in?

What's it that Taibbi said about Goldman-Sachs? "The world’s most powerful investment bank is a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money"? He was being too kind.

Chart of the day

In case you weren't sure that the whole "10.2 % unemployment" thing was a bad economic indicator, the blog EconomPic is here to tell you that things are worse than reported and create a graphical representation. Like, for instance, the fact that despite the fact that establishment jobs survey reported a loss of 190,000, the household survey reported a loss of 558,000 jobs. Or that the real unemployment rate is actually around 17.5%: That weekly hours are at an all time lowThat labor participation is nosediving
That the country now has the least amount of hours worked per citizen...since...ever
I guess the New York Times wasn't bullshitting when it said "At no time in post-World War II America has it been more difficult to find a job, to plan for the future, or — for tens of millions of Americans — to merely get by" and noted that we'd need to have years of robust growth (which isn't guaranteed) just to recover what was lost. I guess this is why Krugman is preparing his "I told you so" dance.

Still, it could be worse. Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, and JP Morgan Chase could have been forced to give out $29 billion in bonuses instead of $30 billion. So keep things in perspective.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.05

Goldman One-Ups Gordon Gekko, Says Jesus Embraced Greed
God bless Goldman-Sachs. At the very least they're going around claiming that He does bless them. Yes, America's favorite pillagers and looters are sending spokesman to churches around the world to speak on how Jesus would have loved the latest round of massive bonuses that they handed out. Tell me about it. What was it Jesus said? "Sure it's easy for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God, it's like trying to get a camel through the eye of a needle the size of the camel. It's fucking simple, now tell me how my stocks did." If there was any difficulty getting into Heaven it's probably because there'd be all these poor assholes standing at the gates (Jesus was a sucker for those destitute SOB's) asking the rich guy for spare change and he'd have a hard time knocking those peasant swine out of the way to get in.

Another View At Goldman's Trading Perfection And Statistical Improbabilities
It's Goldman-Sachs day on the Crutch, so we'll also point you to the Zero Hedge blog where a look at G-S figures finds they make $100 million in profit 3 out of every 5 days, their numbers challenge "not only all preconceptions of realistic trading, but also of statistical distributions", and those same figures are essentially comparable to a Ponzi scheme. I'm sure someone from the SEC will get right on it. Fuck it, why does God need to approve of Goldman-Sachs bonuses? God is obsolete. Goldman-Sachs is God; Money God. Let's worship them now.

The global climate change lobby: inside the battle to influence the most important environmental treaty of our lifetime
The Center for Public Integrity, crooked fuckers that they are, released a report today slandering innocent companies like Exxon Mobil, Peabody Coal and other energy and agriculture interests, for allegedly spreading fear and misinformation about the impact of emissions regulations in their attempts to neuter any proposed treaties that come out of the UN Climate Talks in Copenhagen. Just because they have numerous examples of energy companies in multiple countries using lies to drum up fear of any attempt to address climate change destroying everyone's job, doesn't mean it's true. They must be taking hundreds of events, the 5 lobbyists to every 1 member of Congress ratio, hundreds of millions of dollars spent fighting this, and a coordinated strategy out of context.

When antiscience kills: dowsing edition
The Bad Astronomy blog looks into dowsers, the completely bullshit practice of using Y-shaped sticks to divine water or gold, and how Iraq is spending millions, $85 million to be specific, on a "high-tech" version....as a way to detect bombs. To the point where they're phasing out bomb-sniffing dogs. Unsurprisingly the magic wands failed to detect two tons of explosives that ended up killing 155 people, yet the head of the Ministry of the Interior’s General Directorate for Combating Explosives refuses to switch to a different or more effective method citing his extensive knowledge of bombs. I.....you see.....uh.....WHAT THE FUCK? Good Lord, can we get the fuck out of Iraq already?

Democracy in action

New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg, America's benevolent rich political overlord, is setting records. The kind of records that make you glad that only billionaires can afford to run for any elected office of substance in this country.

Bloomberg, a former Republican who ran this time as an Independent, spent more than $85 million of his personal fortune on the race – dwarfing the amount Thompson raised – the most cash dispensed for a self-financed campaign ever. This brings the total amount he's spent for three terms to a quarter of a billion dollars.

For those of you scoring at home, he outspent his closest opponent, Generic Democrat, by almost 20-1. And he still had to squeak out a win. That isn't even counting all the money he had to spend to get the city to repeal the term limit laws so that he could run again.

Add this to the $22.6 million from his Goldman-Sachs golden parachute ($125 million total for all his political campaigns put together) that repellent loser Jon Corzine spent making sure he lost to fat, repellent loser Chris Christie in the New Jersey governor's race. Don't worry, the ultra rich former McCain adviser who tried to run Hewlett-Packard into the ground, Carly Fiorina, is going to show the people of California that they need not be ruled by mere multi-millionaires like Barbara Boxer.

Ahh, doesn't it make you feel proud to be an American? Right now, even as we speak, children are looking at this and dreaming of a future where they to make hundreds of millions in various business fields and thus are deemed by our media elite as "serious" enough and "expert" enough to run for higher office, or are, at the very least, able to fund their own primary campaign against the other billionaires that are running for the chance to run for the seat. *sniff* Makes you glad to be alive right now, where being rich makes you qualified to make laws instead of just merely having them not apply to you. It's a grand time.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.03

Palinoia
Matt Taibbi gets out his long knives for Sarah Palin in story he wrote over the summer but never published, during her whole resignation embarrassment. I don't know why he didn't publish it. It has great discussions on gems like the "campaign trail version of Mommie Dearest" she put the McCain camp through, the through line of "nutty-ass paranoid behavior" that permeates everything she does, as well as her political supporters to seem to rally behind her because it "validates [their] insane sense of fucked-overness". Worth a read, if only to remind yourself that she's never going to go away and there's still a large chunk of people who want to hand her power.

How Goldman secretly bet on the U.S. housing crash
McClatchy news joins the "bludgeon everyone at Goldman-Sachs with a truncheon" bandwagon with Matt Taibbi as they start up an rather exhaustive series on how our economic betters at G/S have looted government, bet against the country, manipulated markets, and screwed everyone everywhere over for copious amounts of cash. Click on the sidebar for a full rundown. It misses Taibbi's outraged fury, but more than delivers in jaw dropping detail. McClatchy runs a pretty good news operation, shame he couldn't run a baseball team. Ah well Kev, this, and your reporting on Iraq and the war on terror more than make up for running the Buccos into the ground. All is forgiven. Ah, who am I kidding, I'm still fucking pissed off about the Pirates. Fuck you, McClatchy!

Racial disparity: All active ethics probes focus on black lawmakers
Whoops! I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Nice to see that no matter how high up you get in this country, the justice system still works the same way. I'm sure that it's just that there aren't any white crooks that have been elected. As Rod Blagojevich, Eliot Spitzer, Mark Sanford, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Larry Craig, Tom Delay, Jim Traficant, and George Bush have taught us: it's the black politicians you have to watch out for.

Second Circuit Affirms Dismissal of Arar
Something you probably won't hear too much about today and tomorrow as our press decides whether Republicans winning in historically Republican states and districts means that Obama should resign immediately or take two weeks off and then resign: the fact that a US court said it's OK for the US to illegally detain, render to a foreign country, and brutally torture an obviously innocent man without evidence as long as a.) government swears their complete violation of the law was totally for national security purposes, b.) prosecuting the crimes would force a court to scrutinize the effectiveness and legality of government programs and the high level officials that made them and c.) the victim cannot complete the bizarre and completely impossible legal hurdles the court places in front of him. This is the country we live in, America. Be proud.

Omnibusted
On the anniversary of their admittance to the union, The Edge of the American West looks at how the Dakotas and other mountain territories became states. In case you were wondering how states with more sheep than people get two senators with which to fuck over states that actually have people in them, the simple answer is corruption, fear of polygamist Mormons, racism towards brown people, and a desire by Republicans to pack the Senate with more Republicans. So just in case anyone tries to tell you otherwise, the Senate was never a place of congenial good, there was never a "better time" in its history, it was always an awful, stupid and corrupt place. Happy birthday Dakotas!

What does England know anyway?

When governments around the world had to bail out and take control of all the banks that were failing, some naively thought that one of the problems inherent in that solution was that the banks and financial institutions that were saved fell into that troublesome "too big to fail" category and that something further needed to be done. What morons. Because we're America and we know better, we decided we needed more "too big to fail" financial giants, or at least the same number as before. The dumber countries (read: everywhere) decided they needed less. Like England, for example.

The British government -- spurred on by European regulators -- is forcing the Royal Bank of Scotland, Lloyds Banking Group and Northern Rock to sell off parts of their operations. The Europeans are calling for more and smaller banks to increase competition and eliminate the threat posed by banks so large that they must be rescued by taxpayers, no matter how they conducted their business, in order to avoid damaging the global financial system.

The move to downsize some of Britain's largest banks comes as U.S. politicians are debating whether American banks should also be required to shrink. The Obama administration has maintained that large banks should be preserved because they play an important role in the economy and that taxpayers instead should be protected by creating a new system for liquidating large banks that run into problems. But Britain's decision already is being cited by a growing chorus of experts, including prominent bankers and economists, who want the United States to pursue a similar approach.

Pussies! Thank God we're so large that we can probably still counter their nonsense and financially drag them down with us again when the time comes. I think the problem here is that UK banks lost so much money that they just didn't have enough left to make campaign contributions to British lawmakers and hire enough lobbyists to prevent meaningful legislative action. Thankfully we don't have that problem here. Hell, the people in charge of US creation, enforcement, and oversight of these regulations all worked in the financial sector (read: Goldman-Sachs), so they don't even need to be lobbied all that hard.

No no, the clear and intelligent path here is not to do anything to prevent stuff like the complete financial collapse of the world from happening. What we need to do is to make laws to expedite the clean-up and rebuilding period after our next inevitable destruction. Even what laws we do have need to be needlessly weakened for little understandable benefit. If you're out trying to prevent something you're just contributing negative energy, what with your continued whining about what bad things are going to happen and obvious, soon to be bursting bubbles on the horizon. No the best solution is to keep everything the same, but streamline the ascension of the post-financial apocalypse hobo hierarchy.

England...I just don't get why you're doing this. I mean when the next global crisis hits, oh...next year probably, and you're relatively unscathed because of extensive preventative measure you've decided to undertake, well, then you're just fucked. Because when we learn of your relative idyllyc existence (you know: one without the brutal hand to hand combat of the Thunderdome, backbiting shantytown politics, and the daily fights for canned goods) we're just going to pile into our dilapidated boats, arm ourselves with guns and spears, and come subjugate you in a manner befitting our new brutal existence. And your people won't be ready for it...because you made sure they avoided total societal collapse. Now who wishes they didn't break up "too big to fail" banks and pass sensible laws? Not the Hobo Council of Elders or the New Flesh Reaver Militia, that's who. We're going to crush you so hard.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.28

Fox-Friendly Poll on Imaginary White House Policies
From Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting comes a report of a dandy of a poll from Fox News and Zogby whereupon they ask the question if Americans think that Obama's communist diversity czar's imaginary desire to force out the "good white people" in the broadcast industry to make room for the blacks and the gays and the gay blacks represents a threat to free speech. Nothing like a little conspiratorial race bait push polling to start your day. Gee, I wonder why it is that the Obama Administration doesn't like Fox News?

Analysis: Public Option Is Likely Popular in Most Blue Dog Districts
Nate Silver of 538 works his number witchcraft to look at the popularity of the public option....in every single congressional district. The conclusion? That the public option has support in almost 2/3rds of all districts and in regards to the biggest Democratic gainsayers, the Blue Dog caucus, the public option holds majority support in 34 of 52 of their districts. The conclusion supposedly being that a public option should have more support of our elected betters. Ahh Nate, your cold robot logic has failed you again. Don't you know no one in Congress actually cares about what its constituents thinks? But we do appreciate you giving us yet another mathematically valid reason to hate everyone in Congress.

New York Fed’s Secret Choice to Pay for Swaps Hits Taxpayers
Pop quiz: how do you get AIG to look good? Answer: Make sure they're being compared to Tim Geithner. That's right our beloved Treasury Secretary Timmy demanded that the US government pay AIG 100 cents on the dollar for their utterly worthless credit default swaps when AIG was only seeking to get 40 cents on the dollar for them. This cost taxpayers and additional $13 billion dollars. The kicker? This allowed AIG to pay back the $14 billion it owed to Timbo's former employer Goldman-Sachs. Next time Tim, can you put on some cowboy gear, cover your face with a black bandanna, tell us "to reach for the sky", and make us pile the money into a burlap sack with a dollar sign on it? If we're going to get robbed, can we at least get to appreciate the theatre of it?

Losing Net Neutrality: The Worst Case Scenario
Gizmodo links to a half satirical/half terrifying representation of what kind of internet deal we'll be getting from cable companies if Congress votes to ditch net neutrality. Why wouldn't we want our internet priced out and divided up like cable channels, everyone loves how that works, don't they?

LHC Reawakens, Sending Proton Beams Running at the Speed of Light
Finally the scientific community gets off its lazy, goldbricking asses and starts trying to kill God in earnest again. They've fixed the helium leak, stopped the problem they've had with magnets overheating, scrapped plans to convert the LHC into a pussy magnet, and found that missing pallet of particles that idiot Jenkins misplaced. Hopefully within the next few months God will be dead or the French/Swiss border will find it has a new black hole taking up residence and consuming our solar system. Just get it over with, it's not like any of us have jobs or anything to live for.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.20

Stumping With Mayor, Giuliani Stirs Old Fears
While earlier we were marveling at Glenn Beck's ability to weave conspiracy out of nothing, sometimes you have to show a little respect for the masters of the old arts. Like engendering fear of anyone with darker skin than the Irish. So please, a little respect for Nounverb9/11 Giuliani, who hit the stage for NY Mayor Bloomberg to remind people of the fear they used to fear walking the streets at night, pausing then intoning You know exactly what I’m talking about.” He then paused again, scanned the room and said "You know....BLACKS!!!" He then left to go dig up the corpse of a 9/11 victim so he could rummage through the pockets for any loose change or paper money.

Barnes & Noble’s Kindle Killing, Dual Screen ‘Nook’ E-Reader Leaked
Hey, can you hear that sound? It's Amazon shitting its pants over a new e-reader that is not only designed well, but is going to be linked to a Barnes & Noble operation that will sell e-books cheaper, be able to use books from the Google books project, and will let you lend e-books to friends. Lend them. That's it, game over Amazon, game over. If this thing can show porn, they can lure the lucrative 18-54 high tech pervert market. Which is to say, Sean and myself. He's been hankering for a well designed way to watch hardcore porn on the subway for years. Those nuns he sits next to won't know what hit them.

Wall St. Giants Reluctant to Donate to Democrats
Awww, and after they've done so much for the Wall Street community. Actually, this states that they aren't so much as reluctant to donate to Democrats, but to donate to them in public. Which shows they've learned something. Shame they haven't learned anything about banking, financial markets, or sanity. Still only half a dozen Goldman-Sachs execs are going to be at a Democratic Party fundraiser with President Obama. That sounds low, but you have to remember that most Goldman execs already have jobs working in the administration.

Secret Service strained as leaders face more threats
I guess we expected this when we elected a black guy, but it's always nice to see your predictions that American racist extremists would show themselves in great numbers come horrifyingly true. In fact the Secret Service is so strained at investigating racists that there's talk of them abandoning their counterfeiting and financial crimes work to concentrate on the freaks. That's always good to hear that a protective agency is so overworked from an overwhelming number of crazies. America! America! God shed his grace on thee. And crown thy good with brotherhood. From sea to shining sea!

Defense Department Opposed Franken's Anti-Rape Amendment
Charming. As if it wasn't enough that 30 white conservative men thought that allowing people to prosecute rape and sexual abuse as, you know, crimes, was too onerous a burden to the field of contract law, we need the Defense Department to second that motion. Oh, they swear they're totally against rape, it's just that enforcing Franken's law would be totally hard. Well then, if that's the case let's just keep contractor rape legal. We wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.13

Offensive Play: How different are dogfighting and football?
Malcolm Gladwell looks at concussions and degenerative brain conditions in regards to the NFL. In it he runs the gamut from scientific efforts to study brain injuries and the unknown effects of concussions to whether or not these injuries are an avoidable or unavoidable part of the game. It's a nice little way to damper your love of America's most popular sport...at least until you start amping yourself up for Sunday's match-up.

Gag on Guardian reporting MP's Trafigura question lifted
A story on how recently the Guardian was not permitted to cover Parliament questions as a result of a gag order in a lawsuit brought about by oil traders Trafigura over a Guardian report on an African pollution disaster. A news organization couldn't cover news because of a lawsuit. Thankfully, for the basic tenets of free speech, the gag order was dropped. Can't the UK just use our example? Oil companies do something illegal-> most news organizations ignore it-> most Americans ignore it. It works well for us, plus no messy lawsuits. Ill-informed delusion; you might want to try it.

Don’t Fail, or Reward Success
Looks like everything is back to normal. Goldman-Sachs is set to hand out $23 billion in bonuses. But don't worry, that's all OK because they're going to give out a charitable donation of $1 billion....maybe. It's a shame they can only convert to a bank holding company and not to some sort of money printing organization. Makes little difference anyway. I'm just glad they're reaping the rewards after providing sooo many useful services over the past few years.

Placebos Are Getting More Effective. Drugmakers Are Desperate to Know Why.
You know what's just as effective as medicine? Tic-tacs that someone in a lab coat swears are medicine. You know what's a better than a white anti-depressant? The same anti-depressant, only painted yellow. Wired looks at the pharmaceutical industry and just how strong the placebo effect actually is. It turns out that in a lot of cases a sugar pill is as effective or more effective. Just as long as you didn't import that sugar pill from Canada.

Nearly One in Four Persons on Globe is Muslim
1.5 billion Muslims. Not only that, but the Muslim population will swell to 1/3 by 2050. *dusts hands off* Well, that ought to keep most of the right wing pundits and media personalities fully in business until 2050. I'm not sure but I think you could get Pat Buchanan to explode into bloody pulp if you combined this information with an appropriately sized pie chart and perhaps a prognostication from a fortune teller that we'll have a latino President after the black one.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.05

Buyout Firms Profited as a Company’s Debt Soared
Doesn't it warm the cockles of all our hearts when we see a venerated and popular American company bankrupted? Yes, it does. But I think it always leaves us with one question: were financial companies, private equity firms, and investment firms able to rape close to a billion out of the company as they essentially overburdened it with debt and ran it out of business? In this case? Yes. It's a heartwarming tale of greed and quality mattresses in our new financial apocalypse.

Goldman to be paid $1bn if CIT fails
God bless Goldman-Sachs. When they aren't giving Matt Taibbi an aneurysm, stocking the government with cronies, and working the financial apocalypse to their benefit, they get to do things like take out credit default swaps on companies like CIT and make a billion dollars while sticking the government for a $2.3 billion dollar bill. I'm sure Tim Geithener will get right on this, provided any deferred compensation he's owed by Goldman isn't affected by it.

Obama's Meeting With the Dalai Lama Is Delayed
There are a multitude of reasons you don't want to meet the Dalai Lama. His drinking, the racist jokes he tells, the expensive items he orders off the menu and sticks you with the tab for, and lets not forget the constant droning bullshit about "spiritual enlightenment" and how to achieve it. But probably the best reason to snub the Lama is to placate your biggest creditor, China. I'm glad we've chosen that track, along with soft pedaling criticism of their human rights, financial, and trade policies. It just feels right, you know?

Gov. Perry replaces head of agency investigating Texas arson findings
What do you do when clear evidence shows you that you're about to execute an innocent man based on witnesses that are proven to have lied and deeply flawed scientific evidence that everyone in the scientific community now recognizes as wrong? If you're Texas? Execute the guy anyway, and then, as a coda, start firing people who are set to investigate the case and your seriously flawed arson investigations. I'm surprised at this, I thought Texas Governor Rick Perry, what with his calls for secession and his cries against the tyranny of government...and his calls for more government assistance and money, seemed like such a stable and honest fellow.

Mysterious Private Security Firm Gets Control Of Empty Jail In Small Montana Town
This feels right. Isn't it about time a shadowy unregistered private security firm took over a small rural town after they take over the town's jail and unilaterally declare themselves the town's police force? We had Blackwater run rampant in Iraq (among other places) and private security firms already served as a villain in 24, isn't about time we imported that fun here? I think we can sacrifice the 3,400 people of Hardin for what will almost certainly inspire an awesome season of 24 or at least a great sequel to Red Dawn.