Expenses, expenses

During the season premiere of Mad Men, one Pete Campbell remarks that if a publicity stunt the ad agency were to hire hookers instead of actors, he could charge the cost to his expense account. Laughs abound. A humorous juxtaposition of the way things used to be when compared with contemporary social mores. Oh Mad Men, you've done it again.

But surely that was just how they did thing in the sixties, right? Well... unless you're a modern defense contractor.

DHB, which specialized in making body armor used by the military in Iraq and Afghanistan, paid for more than $6 million in personal expenses on behalf of Mr. Brooks, covering items as expensive as luxury cars and as prosaic as party invitations, Ms. Schlegel testified.

Also included were university textbooks for his daughter, pornographic videos for his son, plastic surgery for his wife, a burial plot for his mother, prostitutes for his employees, and, for him, a $100,000 American-flag belt buckle encrusted with rubies, sapphires and diamonds.

There's so much win and so much "AMERICA.... FUCK YEAH!" that it's hard to contain in one paragraph. That's just part on one man's story of fraud, insider trading, company-financed extremely tacky personal extravagance, and a weird obsession with mind erasing pills that don't exist.

But let's not get hung up on the illegal money wasting of one man, his fake titted wife and his pornography hound of a son. Can't we mention the legal money wasting of our own government?

A US federal watchdog has criticised the US military for failing to account properly for billions of dollars it received to help rebuild Iraq. The Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction says the US Department of Defence is unable to account properly for 96% of the money.

Out of just over $9bn (£5.8bn), $8.7bn is unaccounted for, the inspector says.
...
The funds in question were administered by the US Department of Defence between 2004 and 2007, and were earmarked for reconstruction projects. But, the report says, a lack of proper accounting makes it impossible to say exactly what happened to most of the money.

96%? I'm surprised it wasn't 100%. But then again, it's easy to account for the $300 million they spent on strippers and coke. "Yeah, if you're looking for the money, it's wither in a g-string or up my nose. Put that in your ledger."

I do like the notion that we have an explanation for the other near trillion or so we spent in Iraq. Oh sure, we have tanks, bombs, bullets, and paychecks to show us where that money went. But I'll be damned if I know what it is we bought with that cash.

Still, if you want to relive the glory excesses of the sixties or just have absolutely no accountability for what or how you spend vast, allocated sums of money... you could do worse than a warzone.

Your sunshine and smiles of the day

The Afghanistan NGO Security Office takes a look at our Afghanistan surge, how our new policies are working, what our chances for success are, and the general state of things in the graveyard of empires. They're glass half empty people.

The US military build-up in Kandahar is likely to further strengthen the hold of the Taliban over the vital southern Afghanistan city, a highly respected security organisation said today in a bleak report warning of record Taliban violence and rising civilian deaths across the country.

The report by the Afghanistan NGO Security Office, which monitors trends in violence on behalf of aid organisations, said Nato's counter-insurgency strategy was not showing any signs of succeeding amid rising violence, the unchecked establishment of local militias and a huge increase in attacks on private development workers across the country.
...
"We do not support the [counter-insurgency] perspective that this constitutes 'things getting worse before they get better', but rather see it as being consistent with the five-year trend of things just getting worse," the report said.

Come now, as long as we're able to get enough security forces and military trained up the we can have them take over the fight for us, we need to prop up the main and local governments to give them the support they need, our new strategies and counter-insurgency tactics need to be given time to work, we have to get the tribal leaders and people to understand that they have to come together to stand against the Taliban, know that we're in this for the long haul for the safety and security of Afghanistan as well as America, and other various statements, we'll get this thing won.

So buck up and don't listen to these naysayers, because this, and anything and everything that happens in Afghanistan, just shows that we're taking the fight to them and slowly turning the tide. As long as you don't note that we've been saying things like this for almost a full decade without any signs of discernible progress or an end in sight, then you can pretend that the end is just over that next insurgent infested mountainside.

So keep up with your naysaying, highly respected international observers and NGO's, this is all just part of a complex plan of success that smarty pants experts like you are completely unable to discern. Seriously, just as soon as we get those police, security, and military forces trained up, things will get better. I know that has turned into a sort of Escher painting where they're always being trained yet never finished training, but once we get that done, all these things that look like a slowly dawning failure will, in actuality, flip and become successes right at the end.

Just a couple more years, we just need a couple more years.

Educate yourself

With the combination of a poor economy/job market and the recent will crushing heat, we all know that we need to better ourselves in a way that doesn't make us come into direct contact with the outside world, what with the whole bursting into flames the second your skin hits sunlight thing. So thoughts of course turn to degrees and education and improving your skill set. But what if you lack the rigorous and stellar academic record needed to gain entrance into prestigious Phoenix University? What if your personal tastes in the field of human sexuality has had the man "advise" you to take up other interests online or face a minimum prison term of 5-10 years? What if you are a gullible sort who likes wasting money? What then?

Then you have Glenn Beck to thank. Because he's opening Glenn Beck University... for you.

This July, while others are relaxing poolside, head back to the classroom - from the comfort of your own home. That may sound like an oxymoron but Glenn’s new academic program is only available online.

Offered exclusively to Insider Extreme subscribers, Beck University is a unique academic experience bringing together experts in the fields of religion, American history and economics. Through captivating lectures and interactive online discussions, these experts will explore the concepts of Faith, Hope and Charity and show you how they influence America’s past, her present and most importantly her future.

So don’t miss out on this amazing experience. Enroll in Beck University today

For a mere $10 bucks a month ($75 a year, which is a savings of $45 dollars over the monthly rate) you can learn about American history and American Future combines with heaping doses of the Bible, by a man who seemingly understands none of these concepts. But at least he'll finally have a legitimate excuse for that chalkboard. Oh, and his "Advance Crying Techniques" class will really be a study with the master, as will his "Recognizing the Investment Value of Gold, sponsored by Goldline" class. So join now, otherwise you'll miss out on "Faith 101," "Hope 101," and "Charity 101", which are literally the titles of the classes.

I mean this totally sounds like a legitimate thing and not yet another effort for Glenn to bilk his supporters with some sub-Nigerian e-mail scheme "education" malarkey. He has a crest and everything! It has George Washington on it and a buffalo and some Latin. "Tyrannis Seditio, Obsequium Deo," -> "Revolution against tyrants, submission to God." I bet that totally isn't also the pseudo-intellectual Latin motto of at least 30 or more rural militias.

Anything else I should know?

Beck University will be online-only and courses are not for credit.

I'm sure this has NOTHING to do with the fact that no accredited institution of higher learning would even think about recognizing the curriculum. BAH! I know where I want my masters degree in Faith 101 to come from and I ain't gonna let no gubmint tell me if it's valid or not! Higher education is a liberal plot lorded over by snooty progressive professors in ivory towers!

So if you've got a couple spare bucks and need a good laugh, you could do worse than Glen Beck University. Plus, it's got to be most people's safety school in case they don't get into the Glenn Beck Institute of Technology. It's much more reputable than Beck State is at any event. Everyone knows that's just a party school.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.01

Gregg Peltz's Victorian Star Wars portraits

Health care overlord Comrade Obama has unleashed his health care scheme on us. Now he has informed us of the exact schedule of and options we will have under the oppressive bootheel of his socialist scheme. Healthcare.gov gives people the rundown on the new health care policy, from the exact time the spirit of Lenin will possess your youngest child, to the brainwashing camp schedule, to when you can schedule the shock troops to kick in your door and stick grandma with a Bowie knife.

Talking Points Memo recounts the saga and details of the Russian spy ring and finds them lacking. Almost comically inept. From not actually getting any useful information, handing over their equipment to undercover FBI agents, to stating their address as 99 Fake Street, they weren't struggling to make the Russian espionage hall of fame. Not that any of this matters, this is all a viral marketing scheme for Salt... OPENING JULY 23RD!

All throughout this massive global financial crisis, we have been able to say one thing: we may have a government rife with banking shills and financial conglomerate insiders, but at least they're working for us. Like, putting us on the hook for billions of dollars worth of worthless Bear-Stearns assets... and then lied to Congress about it. So lets see, that makes it Bernanke, Geithner, most of the White House, every elected Republican, significant chunks of House Democrats, and every key Democrat in the Senate working to largely look out for the interests of the financial industry over citizens. Goddamn, Boehner was right... that's not nearly enough protection for the financial industry.

Soccer is taking hold, America. Sure, the US National Team, as is typical, shit itself about a round before it should have to realistically maximize this World Cup, but it's making inroads. How do we know? Landycakes' winner against Algeria broke the intarwebs and all associated internetting tubes. It was officially the biggest driver of internet traffic ever. Socialized medicine, liberals in charge, and gay no hands/no hitting sports taking over our consciousness? We're almost Europe, people. Or, alternately, a third world country if you follow John Oliver's math. If we don't eat sufficient amounts of red meat and blow up large chunks of this country over the weekend, we're essentially indistinguishable from Portugal.

We would like to join the world in wishing legendary effects maestro Ray Harryhausen a happy 90th birthday. Your Clash of the Titans still looked more real than this summer's Clash of the Titans. In honor of the man, here are fighting skeletons.

Art of the day

The Pentagon officially unveiled the portrait of former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld in a ceremony on the 25th. The painting, which "shows Rumsfeld at his stand-up desk with a picture of first-responders and soldiers unfurling the flag over the still-burning Pentagon on Sept. 12, 2001", joins his other portrait from his tenure as Secretary in the seventies. That's right, this asshole has two portraits.

On the bright side, it was also relatively expensive by government portrait standards.

At the upper end of the scale, the Defense Department awaits the expected February completion of a $46,790 portrait of controversial former secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld.

Well, let's be clear, the portrait was supposed to cost $46,790 and be completed in only a few months, but due to poor planning, an insufficient amount of paint, Code Pink protests, and a host of unknown unknowns besieging the project, the painting spiraled out of control, ended up costing several billion dollars and taking several years to paint, and is still relatively unfinished. All in all, a fitting metaphor for his tenure. Also: they served snowflake shaped sugar cookies at the reception!

To turn this in an art critique blog for a second; the picture is fine and the 9/11 imagery befits the monomaniacal obsession with and co-opting of the attacks that the Bush Administration engaged in. But can I ask, what ever happened to the standard "man on a horse, pointing off into the distance... as if pointing at the future" style of portraiture? I would actually start to respect Rumsfeld if he comission a multi-million dollar, 20 foot wide painting of him, dressed as Napoleon, sitting on a chestnut mare in front of a battlefield. Maybe that can be Gates' portrait.

YEAH, RUMSFELD!!!!!

Milestones

People, I'd just like to point out that we've now spent over one trillion dollars on our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. One. Trillion. Dollars. American. Not pesos or rupees or something. American dollars. As an additional milestone, Afghanistan either is or will shortly become the longest war ever fought by this country. Narrowly edging out Vietnam and the combined efforts of World War I and II.

Now some of you might ask what we've gotten for all the time and ridiculous amounts of money we've spent over there. I'll tell you: we got Al Qaeda's #3. Again.

The operational leader for Al Qaeda in Afghanistan was killed in an American missile strike in Pakistan’s tribal areas in the last two weeks, according to a statement the group issued late Monday that American officials believe is correct.

Yeah! Seems worth it to me.

I personally am just glad we didn't decide to take that one trillion dollars and spend it on something like universal health care, our infrastructure, our power grid, green technology, technology in general, sciences and education, or otherwise use it to try to improve and better our day to day lives. Nope, bombs and guns and war, for little visible benefit. Much better use of that money.

But we do have to ask: where's our thank-you note from the military industrial complex? We didn't expect flowers or a phone call, but something--something would have been nice. Eh, maybe they're still writing up all the ones from Nam. Maybe next Memorial Day weekend.

Compare/Contrast

$60 billion to extend wars that will seemingly never end and don't seem to provide any benefit to the United States? Come right in Mr. War Spending, sit down, the supermodels will be in momentarily for the orgy.

The U.S. Senate approved a $60 billion war-funding measure as the conflict in Afghanistan has surpassed the Iraq war in annual cost and number of troops.

Senators voted 67-28 for the bill, which goes to the House for consideration next month. The Senate rejected a proposal to require President Barack Obama to submit a non-binding report outlining when he plans to end U.S. involvement in the almost nine-year-old Afghan conflict.

$24 billion for unemployed workers and state aid? Go fuck yourself, peasants. Go dig ditches or die in an abandoned train yard or whatever it is you people do.

anxiety over out-of-control budget deficits led House leaders to drop tens of billions of dollars in spending from a separate catchall bill anchored by an extension of jobless benefits.

Confronted with a rebellion by Democratic Blue Dog moderates, House leaders planned to dump overboard $24 billion in aid to states and allow generous health insurance subsidies for laid-off workers to expire. The changes were an effort to round up votes to extend unemployment benefits and renew more than 50 popular tax breaks that expired last year.

God love the Blue Dog Democrats and their concern over deficits. That is to say their concern over deficits when it looks like that money is going to be spent on actual people who actually need it. When it's billions of dollars being spent of wars or boondoggle defense systems with no plans to pay for them, then the Blue Dogs are totally cool with deficit spending. They just will not suffer an American being extended an unemployment benefit in the worst job market in decades.

Nice to know where our priorities are.

Sunday Marching Orders

It's time for one of my favorite activities on this blog. No, not plumbing some new depth that our American political or news system has sunk to while adding in a snarky remark and a new curse word I learned. No, that's what the weekdays are for. The weekends are for me demanding that you do things; namely read.

Some would say these are articles of extreme importance. Others would say this is just a bunch of shit I'm putting up because it is clogging up my bookmarks folder. Who is to say who is right? Well, the latter are. But there is an extremely important reason I haven't been able to put these up before, namely... uhhh.... important... constraints... on my... time. Not extreme laziness. So away we go.

The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight
What if I were to tell you that we've spent six billion on the Afghan National Police force and they're grossly incompetent and unable to even do a fraction of their jobs? You'd probably say that you're surprised we were able to keep that waste of money under $10 billion. I agree. Why are they so awful? A myriad of reasons, but at least in this case it isn't because they're spending all their money on magic bomb detecting wands. Yet.

White House access is a jackpot for reporters
Want to know why White House coverage has become so uniformly terrible over the past decade? Mostly because the reporters covering the beat try to cozy up to insiders in order to get good gossip... for their "insider" "tell-all" books. Glenn Greenwald looks at how "journalist" really isn't the proper term for these people.

Building a Green Economy
Paul Krugman on what it would take to actually build a green economy and move toward greener energy. The article didn't start with the phrase "seal up most of the energy executives and lobbyists up in a coal mine along with a large chunk of our elected betters" so I don't know how seriously Krugman's article can be taken.

Copenhagen destroyed by Danish draft leak, says India's environment minister
If you were wondering how the Copenhagen climate conference came to be such a complete misfire that failed to make any serious progress on environmental issues, the Guardian has a rundown. Apparently it was petty infighting, aggrieved egos, childish power struggles, and comical shortsightedness beating out serious long term planning for a clearly foreseen problem. Who could have ever foreseen? It's only like the 7,435th time in a row a major global problem was ever dealt with like like that.

Gang Moves 1,800 Lb Of Coke In Fake Dakar Rally Truck
If you ever wondered why the state of Arizona has to whomp on Latinos with a healthy dose on un-Constitutional actions, it's because of stuff lie this. We can't even trust the validity of entrants in our beloved giant rally truck races. No, everyone is a suspect, even Latino rally trucks.

The Hidden Meaning of Lady Gaga’s “Telephone”
If you're like me, every time you see the Lady Gaga video for Telephone, you say to yourself "this is a clearly a thinly veiled guise for indoctrination from the Illuminati using Monarch Programming mind control and is chock full of secret hidden codes and symbols from both". Thankfully, someone else has agreed and put together a comprehensive analysis of all the ways the Illuminati are boring into your brain through a Lady Gaga video. One thing is clear: the song is not about a telephone or an annoying boyfriend who keeps calling. We're through the looking glass.

Quote of the day

Gen. Stanley McChrystal on "escalation of force" problems and on how we're winning hearts and minds in Afghanistan:

"I do want to say something that everyone understands. We really ask a lot of our young service people out on the checkpoints because there's danger, they're asked to make very rapid decisions in often very unclear situations. However, to my knowledge, in the nine-plus months I've been here, not a single case where we have engaged in an escalation of force incident and hurt someone has it turned out that the vehicle had a suicide bomb or weapons in it and, in many cases, had families in it. That doesn't mean I'm criticizing the people who are executing. I'm just giving you perspective. We've shot an amazing number of people and killed a number and, to my knowledge, none has proven to have been a real threat to the force."

As if on cue, we admit to a situation where not only did we mistakenly shoot two innocent men, a pregnant mother of ten, a pregnant mother of six, and a teenager, but we then tried to frame the men as insurgents who had murdered the women in an honor killing, going so far as to dig bullets out of the bodies to further perpetrate the story. All because of the issues McChrystal outlines above.

So not only are we killing hundreds of innocent people, some of which we openly and brazenly frame or concoct false narratives about after the fact, but our standards an practices ensure that this will continue to happen and out top General in the area admits this. Oh, by the way, we're also expected to win the hearts and minds of Afghans and keep them from joining with/supporting the Taliban while all of this goes on and we get the added bonus of the intensely crooked Hamid Karzai threatening to legitimize the Taliban and join the insurgency if we don't back off the whole getting him to reform, not be so corrupt, stop rigging elections thing.

Can we dump a couple hundred billion dollars more and another 30,000 troops into Afghanistan, toot sweet? It just looks like such a great idea.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 03.31

Up In Smoke: How Marijuana Ruined States’ Chances Of Invalidating Health Care Law In Court
The passage of health care set off a rash of frivolous lawsuits from state AG's with hopes for higher office and a penchant for wasting the money of cash strapped governments in times of economic crisis. Will they succeed? No. But that inevitability isn't so much interesting as why they will fail to succeed, besides the basic "not understanding the Constitution" thing. Essentially the Supreme Court, and Antonin Scalia in particular, recently ruled in a marijuana case that the government had a right to regulate interstate non-economic activity as a part of regulating interstate commerce. So unless Scalia totally reverses his opinion for political means, any challenge that makes it to the Supremes isn't likely to even pass muster with the conservative wing. Actually, that sounds incredibly likely. Still, marijuana: is there anything it can't do?

Beijing to sweeten stench of rubbish crisis with giant deodorant guns
For some countries a sensible response to a garbage crisis would be better collection and disposal methods, moves to make sure less waste is produced, or even recycling programs. Not China though. Instead of actually responding to their crippling garbage crisis they've just decided to buy a really big can of Axe body spray and just drench their trash in it so people don't have to smell it. Efforts are already underway to paint the trash to look like land and convincing people to ignore it. I think we may have to admit that China may be taking the lead away from us in the Ignoring Potentially Disastrous Environmental Problems category. Ouch. We really seem to cherish that one too.

Art of the Steal: On the Trail of World’s Most Ingenious Thief
What if you were a savant. And not one of those crappy ones who is only good at something like math, the viola, or counting toothpicks that Charlie Babbitt dropped on the floor. No, a savant at stealing shit. Such is the skill of one Gerald Blanchard, a man with the preternatural ability to seemingly exploit any flaw in security. Wired tells his story and how he was caught by two Winnipeg cops.

The most dangerous drug isn't meow meow. It isn't even alcohol...
Charlie Brooker, the man who did this, explains how newspapers, especially newspapers covering drugs, are the most dangerous mind destroying drug on the planet. And he's talking about British ones too. I imagine if he ever had to read an American one or watch American 24 hour news, he'd take his own life.

New Study Estimates Mass Deportation Of Undocumented Immigrants Would Cost $285 Billion
In a tremendous blow to Mexican hating everywhere, it turns out that if we decided everyone in the restaurant, service, farming, and labor industries it'd cost close to $300 billion, or $922 in tax dollars for everyone in the US. Everyone American that is. Not to mention it would completely depopulate California and force white people to get their hands dirty while laboring... and maybe completely cripple US economic growth. Plus who would militias and border state Republicans and Southern Republicans and most Republicans hate then? The Polish? On the other hand, if you put undocumented workers on a path to legalization, it could add nearly $1.5 trillion to GDP over the next decade. I think we know the clear and obvious path here. You start rounding up Mexicans and I'll go door to door collecting $922 a person.

Picture of the day

The 2010 World Expo is almost upon us. "Already?" you're asking? Yes, already. I know, it seems like we were just celebrating the last World Expo whenever and wherever that was and now this one has crept up on us. The 2010 Expo is taking place in Shanghai, China, so we all know what that means: ludicrous buildings that will immediately become uninhabited forever once the expo ends! Soon they will have more empty, unused architectural masterpieces than citizens. It is China's way.

The Big Picture blog is cataloging this latest folly, showing that while this event won't benefit the people of China in anyway, it will at least provide them with an interesting few months of Expo-ing and some nice abandoned shelters for the homeless to huddle in once the event is over.

There are a lot of nonsensical structures, so we had to add in a jump. As always embiggening is enabled by clicking.

Cut this

Much has been made over few weeks about Obama's budgetary spending freeze and the GOP counter plan to slash everything, gut Medicare, and privatize Social Security. All of this is with the idea that massive budget deficits will soon impregnate this country with it's devil baby, which will burst out of the womb through the skin, and devour us while we writhe in agony.

Of course the things that our elected betters want to cut and freeze are thing that are commonly referred to as things that benefit the American populace. The things they don't want to cut? We call those things that benefit the military industrial complex and our desire to explode brown people.

But what do the American people want cut? Well, nothing. Overwhelmingly nothing.

Spending Type	Federal Budget	Support for cuts
Social Security	19.6%	2%
Military	18.7%	18%
Unemployment	16.1%	15%
Medicare	12.8%	6%
Other health care*	10.4%	10%
Interest on Debt	4.6%	10%
State Department	1.5%	28%
Veterans	1.5%	2%
Anti-terrorism	1.2%	17%
Agriculture	0.7%	12%
Energy	0.7%	14%
Crime / Justice	0.7%	10%
Environment	0.3%	16%
Science	0.2%	14%

So aside from this country's inexplicable hate for the State Department and love of programs that benefit itself and veterans, this country would most like to see the Defense budget slashed. It's only about 1 out of 5 of us, on a good day, but that's practically a flood of support of biblical proportions.

Will it ever make a difference? No. We'll keep putting together bullshit deficit commissions whose only objective are to put a polite, smiling, media pundit approved face on slashing things that benefit people, while never touching a red cent of defense appropriations.

Still, we seem to love all that spending, tea parties be damned. I'll bet there are numbers showing that we'd like spending on most of these programs increased. Also, much lower taxes. It's part of the cognitive dissonance that makes this country great.

Is our children learning?

For 49 out of 50 states, the answer to the question posed above is "Yes... at least by shoddy American standards." The soon to be exception to that rule? Utah. Maybe we were too harsh to call them out for their blinkered state legislature backed climate change denialism. It seems that education isn't their strong suit.

The sudden buzz over the relative value of senior year stems from a recent proposal by state Sen. Chris Buttars that Utah make a dent in its budget gap by eliminating the 12th grade. The notion quickly gained some traction among supporters who agreed with the Republican’s assessment that many seniors frittered away their final year of high school, but faced vehement opposition from other quarters, including in his hometown of West Jordan.
...
During a hearing of the state’s Public Education Appropriations Subcommittee earlier this month, Buttars suggested that funding 12th grade amounts to “spending a whole lot of money for a whole bunch of kids who aren’t getting anything out of that grade.” The state senator also has also suggested ending “all busing for high school students,” which would disadvantage poor students and only save a paltry $15 million.

Something that dumbs down education tacked on with a semi-racist/classist measure to cut costs because your retrograde Republican policies can't function with raising taxes or scaling back the tax cuts to the rich you've handed out to cover a nearly billion dollar budget shortfall? You knew Utah, or possibly Texas, was going to blaze that trail first.

Frankly they're just responding to the realities of our financial apocalypse. Who needs education when there aren't any jobs? Furthermore nearly everyone in Utah derives an income from one of those "Isn't it precious how we have 14 kids" reality shows, so doesn't really need an education, skill set, or pliable trade.

I know what you're saying, "Matt, don't Mormons believe that if you record them for television, the camera steals their soul? How can they all have TV deals?" Well you can't steal their soul if they're wearing special underpants that deflect the heathen voodoo rays. Plus 14 kids is a lot, a man has to be willing to put his soul at hazard to care for the fruits of his loins.

So, apologies to Utah. We didn't mean to make fun. We didn't realize you were one of the "special' states. Enjoy your eleven grades. It's all going to be fire, spears, and animal skinned barbarians heaving rocks at each other pretty soon. Who needs AP Physics or English 7/8?

Broken in Brief: No one hurt at tragic Torino bobsled course collapse

TORINO—Tragedy was averted today as there have seemingly been no injuries or casualties resulting from a calamitous early morning collapse of the Cesana Pariol bobsled venue, which hosted all of the ice track racing events during the 2006 Torino Winter Olympic Games.

“At this point, we are assuming that it collapsed early this morning,” announced the head of the Italian International Olympic Committee, Giancarlo Giuseppi, during an afternoon press conference.

“To be honest, it could have collapsed at any point in the last four years. We just found out today. I was watching the Vancouver Games, saw some of their ice track, and said to myself, ‘Didn’t we used to have one of those?’ Then I went to the location I vaguely remember building a bobsled course at, only to find it had collapsed. “

“Let me be clear: Our preliminary assessment that there were no casualties at the track is still subject to International Olympic Committee verification. There might have been a few hobos or drifters crushed in the debris, as well as any feral animals that had taken to using the structure as a breeding ground. We won’t know until later. All I can say is that no athletes, judges, bobsledders, builders, bystanders, or spectators were involved in the collapse. No one that would have been there for any bobsledding-related purpose.”

When asked how an Olympic venue came to be so disused that it would collapse, Giuseppi took note to stress that it was a 7,130 seat bobsled venue, that cost $50 million Euros, was built only for bobsledding, and was built for use in Italy.

“There was no use for that thing the second after the Olympics ended,” he added.

When it was asked if Vancouver, which copied some of the Italian designs in construction of its bobsled venue, had any structural problems to worry about, Giuseppi laughed. “It’ll last throughout the end of next week. After that, who cares?”

When it was noted that Vancouver had hopes of using it after the games, the Italian perplexingly asked, “Of what use is a multi-million dollar bobsled course after an Olympics?” before snorting out a terse “Good luck with all that.”

Cheap Blogging Crutch 01.27

Report: U.S. Drone Goes Down Over Pakistan. Again.
What's the one phrase you don't want to hear in our illustrious war on terror. I mean besides "they're using magic wands to detect bombs in Iraq." Would it be something along the lines of all the Predator drones are glitch ridden, cut out of contact frequently, don't handle anything other than nice weather very well, are notoriously difficult to land, and crash a lot? Good news then, as it seems as we widen the scope of our war on terror we are coming to rely more and more on crash prone planes that can't be flown if there's a stiff breeze. On the bright side, it looks like General Atomics is the Bell Helicopter of our generation. Buy stock.

Dungeons & Dragons Prison Ban Upheld
In what is the next great step in the evolution of the main goal of the US prison system (Goal 1: fuck over inmates as capriciously and pettily as possible for no discernible reason other it makes society feel better. Goal 2: See Goal 1.) Dungeons & Dragons is now banned as it "promotes gang activity." Still one wonders why anyone would want to play a game that so closely resembles their own life, with the dungeon represented by an actual concrete dungeon and the dragons represented by the many personal battles one fights in prison from rapes from the black gangs, to rapes from the Mexican gangs, to rapes from the Aryan gangs. Oh, let's not for get the shankings. Ah well I'm sure this will solve all gang related problems in prison.

Pentagon Report Calls for Office of ‘Strategic Deception’
The Defense Science Board in the Pentagon says our intelligence and military capabilities are not being used to their fullest. It seems we are lacking a Dept. Of Dishonesty or a Ministry of Truth, if you will. Because for all the trillions we spend on defense, we just haven't put enough effort into having a few more lying fuckers on the payroll. I agree, if there's one thing that I complain about, it's that our military and intel communities are just way too truthful. It's nice to see that the lessons people take away from 1984 are "this book is just chock full of good ideas." Ah well, at least people are reading more.

Will Haiti Earthquake Response Slow Afghan Troop Surge?
An interesting subplot for the next few months in our war on terror and in our relief efforts. Seems we just went and put our Afghanistan surge into Haiti, putting 33,000 troops and the requisite equipment onto the ground in Port-au-Prince. What will happen when we need those troops to go kill brown people instead of help black people? It'll be interesting to see how they answer that ques..... they'll leave and go kill brown people. It's not even a question. Hope you get all your aid you need in the next few months, because the mountainous border between Afghanistan and Pakistan is calling to us like a sirens song.

Driving A Hard Bargain: Nelson Says He Would've Opposed His Own Abortion Language
If there's one silver lining to the fact that Democrats don't have 60 seats and that the conference committee option is no longer feasible for health reform, it's that odious fuckers like Ben Nelson will no longer get to needlessly poison the bill with their short-sighted, troglodytic concerns. Not only was Ben Nelson fighting for his right to own every woman's uterus, he was willing to pull a knife-in-the-back double cross during the conference committee process to kill the bill if he didn't get abortion concessions made that were even more restrictive than the ones he already negotiated, signed off on, and voted for. Do you understand, House? This is why the Senate can't be allowed to meddle with health care again.

Broken in Brief: Thieves Steal $18.2 Million in Daring Weekend Heist

HOLLYWOOD—In what was amongst the largest and longest thefts in recent US history, today police put out an all points bulletin for the arrest of suspects in connection with a daring three-day raid across the country that resulted in an estimated $18.2 million dollar haul for the perpetrators.

“We would like this country to be on the lookout for actor Paul Bettany, director Scott Stewart, and the studio ironically titled Screen Gems in relation to the release of the so-called film Legion into theaters” announced the director of the FBI’s Robbery/Cinematic Homicide Division, Will Franks.

“It is to be assumed that they are armed… without any sense of taste or the ability to recognize competent storytelling or dialogue. It is suspected that they might have seen or at least partially remembered hearing about the movie the Prophecy. Co-star Dennis Quaid is purported to be with them and is to be considered needing money and in an extremely desperate state.”

The FBI vowed to bring down the men “with extreme prejudice” for what they feel is a coordinated theft of $6-$12 dollars from hundreds of thousands of people at close to 2,500 locations, 7-8 times each day between Friday and Sunday. Officials will charge the men with premeditation for the robbery pending confirmation that nearly two years of pre-production, filming, post-production, and marketing went into unleashing this “film” on an unsuspecting public.

“I will not rest until these sick freaks are brought to justice,” yelled Franks, a veteran of the previous arrests of the makers of Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Superman Returns, most romantic comedies, and the men who decided to let people view Avatar without the benefit of 3D to distract from a shop-worn plot and pedestrian dialogue.

As of press time the group is rumored to be using Legion to engage in smaller thefts throughout the week with another planned robbery next weekend expected to net roughly 40% of this weekend’s haul.

It is hoped that Stewart, Bettany, and Screen Gems can be apprehended before the August 2010 release of Priest, their next diabolical gambit to steal from the American public en masse.

Culture of corruption

Since all the news of the day is going to be focused on the Massachusetts election and the ritual suicide pact that Democrats seem intent on enacting, it's time to focus on some good news. Unfortunately there isn't any. So...........

/twiddles thumbs
//whistles to self
///resists urge to self harm

Hey, did you hear the one about how 25% of Afghanistan's GDP is corruption related?

Half of all Afghan adults paid at least one bribe to a public official over the course of a year to cut through red tape or get help with poor service, the U.N. said Tuesday in a report that documents the extraordinary depth of corruption in Afghanistan.

Afghans paid nearly $2.5 billion (euro1.7 billion) in bribes -- worth almost a quarter of the country's GDP -- in the 12-month period ending last autumn.
...
Bribes were requested and taken by politicians, prosecutors, tax officers -- anyone with even the most modest level of power to yield, from the humblest clerk at the office in charge of driver's licenses to, by many accounts, the highest levels of government.

Most of the payments went to police, judges and other local officials, but Afghans were also asked to bribe teachers in public schools and doctors and nurses in government hospitals.

The average bribe comes out to around $160... in a country where the average yearly income is $500. I guess it all works out. You might have paid a Franklin and a Grant to get the really good penicillin from the doctor or to get the prosecutor to prosecute the man who stole your goats a little harder than usual, but you make it up on the back end by taking a few extra bucks to make sure you teach the kids all the letters of the alphabet and stop withholding information about fractions.

Only 9% of corruption gets reported, mostly because the officials charged with rooting out corruption are corrupt. But... I hear if you slip them a few bucks they'll look into those bribery charges. Hamid Karzai has pledged to combat this state of affairs (you know, before he tried to fix the election) but someone gave him an envelope that was a little light and thus various corruption bills have languished. On the bright side, Afghanistan ranks behind Haiti, Iraq, Myanmar, and Somalia on international corruption ranking. Then again, that's just because they paid a guy at the UN to move them down in the rankings.

So no, you don't get any good news today. All I can offer you is the fact that amongst the many problems in the country we just escalated and committed hundreds of additional billions and tens of thousands more troops in, one of them is the problem of corruption. And if you only focus on that, it seems like a comparatively minor problem that can be addressed. But only if you don't widen your focus or look at other things. I SAID DON'T WIDEN YOUR FOCUS!! Ah hell, you see what you did? You thought about all the other problems in Afghanistan and are now despairing. I warned you.

Broken News: Ludicrous building industry near collapse as Dubai economic crisis worsens

DUBAI—The recent opening of the 2,717 ft, 160 floor Burj Khalifa skyscraper was greeted with joy by many. However, the centerpiece of what Dubai officials are hoping will become the London or New York of the Middle East has been met with trepidation by several groups. Indeed, the number of vacancies in the $1.5 billion skyscraper, combined with the debt incurred to build such monstrous buildings, and the resulting collapse of Dubai’s finances, have signaled the death of one of the world’s formerly booming industries: immensely stupid construction.

In fact, with the Burj Khalifa completed there are no new plans for any new intensely idiotic building concepts or even marginally feeble-minded and functionally useless projects. Recent months have seen a dramatic scaling back or even outright cancellation of some of the dumbest and most ill-conceived architectural projects known to man.

All this has many wondering what lies ahead for the stupid building construction industry that fueled Dubai’s growth at the outset of the 21st century.

“Yeah, times are tough,” a mournful Henri Duplass, CEO of Duplass Merde, one of the largest builders of foolish structures in the world, noted. “I remember when we built that giant 22,500 square meter indoor ski slope and followed it up by building the world’s largest outdoor pool and fake beachfront 100 yards from an ocean beachfront. Those were heady times."

“Before everything went to shit, we were designing a fake Swiss lakeside mountain retreat. We were carting in a trillion tons of granite for our mountain, had drawn up plans to dig out an artificial lake the size of Lake Champlain, and were still tinkering with the massive air conditioning/sprinkler system that would have been required to keep natural Swiss flora and fauna alive in the middle of a 120 degree desert. It was going to cost $7 billion dollars and be of no use to anyone. It would have been so... so beautiful...”

“Now? We’ve been reduced to crafting practical structures that are of use to normal people. I designed some low-income housing the other day and almost vomited in my mouth.”

Indeed, the industry has taken a massive hit. In recent years, Dubai had boasted 25% of all the world’s cranes in operation, but has recently seen that statistic shrink to an alarmingly sensible level for a Middle Eastern country with little in the way of industry, culture, or population.

In addition to the Dubai Swiss Chalet project, the recent economic troubles have cause the cancellation or delay of numerous ridiculous projects including the Dubai City Tower, a 1.5 mile high 400 floor building that was to have a vertical bullet train instead of an elevator, a Hanna Barbara-themed amusement park on a hover platform, an artificial island shaped like a construction team building an artificial island, a five thousand seat stadium dedicated to women’s sports, a Jewish Sports Hall of Fame, a branch of the science department of the University of Alabama, a monument to human folly, a Catholic church, and a series of metaphorical buildings that were to be built on foundations of sand.

According to analysts most of the problems in Dubai result from a drastic overestimation of the desire of people to live there, resulting in numerous home and business vacancies combined with the sheer amount of debt the United Arab Emirates amassed to build these asinine structures. With estimates of $100 billion in debt for the state owned businesses that amassed them and little hope of recouping losses and filling vacancies in this economic climate, the outlook is bleak.

“Some would say that we’re up shit creek without a paddle,” observed Ali Mohammed Sahan, a spokesman for Dubai World, the government owned investment company that funded most of the retarded structures. “But I disagree. We have a paddle, it’s just that it’s over 600 meters tall, made of platinum and diamonds, and affixed to the ground through a complex jumble of steel trusses. It’s going to take an incredible sum and a greater influx of foreign capital for us to detach and use said paddle.”

But despite these setbacks and the massive contraction that the stupid building industry is about to go through, those close to the situation remain optimistic for the future.

“Somewhere in a backyard someplace, there’s some kid in a sandbox building some dumb fucking thing out of whatever he can get his hands on,” observed a prideful Duplass. “And somewhere there’s some rich idiot who wants to deficit spend his country into poverty and utilize the modern equivalent of slave labor to get it built. That’s the kind of thing that gives me hope for the future.”

“We’ll be back before you know it. Building, I don’t know, a bunch of skyscrapers that fit together like Tetris blocks or something,” Duplass smiled. “We’ll be back.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 12.30

How much did Tiger Woods cost shareholders?
We all know what Tiger Woods' appetite for incredibly trashy bar skanks costs him: his status as the most ungodly boring athlete on the face of the planet, a perfectly good set of golf clubs that is now dented and covered in car paint, a car, and a number of endorsements. I heard John Daly walked up to Tiger and told him that he "really needed to pull himself together" because he was "acting reckless and damaging his reputation." There is no lower indignity. But what's happeneing to all the companies that hitched their wagon to the seemingly unstoppably mundane juggernaut known as the Tiger Woods marketing persona? They lost somewhere in the neighborhood of $5-12 billion in stock value. Ouch. Well at least Tiget got to sleep with some real classy ladies. I'm sure that's of real comfort to EA, Nike, and Gatorade stockholders.

How Algal Biofuels Lost a Decade in the Race to Replace Oil
Wired Science looks at how one of the best sources for biofuels, algae, got started and eventually fell by the funding wayside in the transition from Carter's alternate fuels programs to Reagan's OILOILOIL and tongue kissing Saddam programs. On the negative side, we lost decades worth of research into a very promising field. On the bright side, the recent stimulus package and increase in science funding has pumped money back into algae biofuel. The downside? That money is going to run out in a few years. If only we could get some way to turn algae into corn, there would probably be more support for the initiative.

Barley + Space = Space Beer!
Space beer. Do I actually have to say a third word? Fine, Japan (could it have been anyone else) sent up barley grains that spent 5 months on the International Space Station. Now, Sapporo is making 250 six packs and selling them through a lottery for $150. The money raised is going to fund science education. It should be used to fund more space beer. Is These Bastards the only ones who sees the possibility: moon water + space barley = zero G brain lubricant. Let's get on top of this shit Sapporo, if I can't actually visit a moon base, I want to be albe to get 3 sheets to the wind on space beer. Chop chop. Make it happen.

Star Wars Weather Forecast
I know what you're all thinking: what planet in the Star Wars galaxy does the weather outside most resemble? Well now, thanks to Tom Scott, you don't have to wonder. Just type in your zip code or city name and you'll know. It also helps you learn the Star Wars planet names if you're one of those uncultured swine who can't rattle off 40-50 imaginary planets in some macho display of nerd intelligence and misspent youth.

Not again! Giant Swedish Christmas goat statue gets torched
The good people of Stockholm are trying to create a Christmas tradition for their city: building a giant straw statue of a Yule goat, the Swedish precursor to God's son and the savior of man, Santa Claus. Unfortunately, Stockholm hooligans, most likely named Lars or Henrik, have decided upon their own Christmas tradition: evading the security surrounding the giant straw goat in order to set it ablaze. Guess which tradition is winning out? Fire trumps all.

Your window into the sense of entitlement of our financial betters

From a New York Times article on the TARP inspector general Neil Barofsky's scathing report on the decision to pay off AIG's creditors in full.

Just two days before the New York Fed paid A.I.G.’s partners 100 cents on the dollar to tear up their contracts with the insurance giant, one bank volunteered to take a modest haircut — but it never got the chance.

UBS, of Switzerland, alone offered to give a break to the New York Fed in the negotiations last November over how to keep A.I.G. from toppling and taking other banks down with it. It would have accepted 98 cents on the dollar.

But UBS’s good-faith gesture was quickly drowned out by Goldman Sachs and the top French bank regulator. They argued, with others, that it would be improper and perhaps even criminal to force A.I.G.’s trading partners to bear losses outside of bankruptcy court.

Those are some balls on display. First by UBS, agreeing to take 98 cents on the dollar instead of 100 cents and pretending it is some grand compromise when their assets were worth 40 cents on the dollar, and then by Goldman-Sachs, who claimed that it would be illegal if they didn't get all their money in full. Thankfully they all got every penny that was owed to them. Why? Because Tim Geithner knows how to treat his old bosses. Is there a position higher than Treasury Secretary we can put him in?

What's it that Taibbi said about Goldman-Sachs? "The world’s most powerful investment bank is a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money"? He was being too kind.