One (1) Tiny Icelandic horse

We've heard of some outrageous excesses from celebrities and the demands they make on tour riders. From certain colors of M&M's being removed from bowls to demands on eye contact. But none are as outrageous as the demands made by current banjoneer and sometimes comedian Steve Martin, as his tour rider demands were leaked.... on SteveMartin.com ..... by Steve Martin.

Hey, if the promoters aren't following these demands, they probably skimped on security, safety, or some other important area. Sometimes a man needs to drink mead through a commercial grade bendy straw.

It's a small spill on a very large table

Upright Citizens Brigade on the BP oil spill.

TWAT!!! That was liquid football!

The World Cup starts tomorrow and America is in the midst of tentatively preparing to care, getting ready to ramp up excitement as the tournament goes on.... until the USA loses, at which point we declare we never really cared anyway and completely stop paying attention.

But in order to properly prepare us for a sport we only understand as "that thing we watch our pre-teen sons and daughters do poorly while we're hungover on a Saturday morning" we need guidance from an expert. Some might suggest ESPN's David Hirshey, the New York Times, or literally any foreign paper, but These Bastards knows where to go for that true soccer expertise: Alan Partridge from the Day Today. Here's some of his world famous goal calls and his revolutionary Soccer Meter.

For a dollar, he'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex

From the always enlightening Letters of Note comes this fan mail response from Steve Martin, circa 1980. Genius. As always, clicken to embiggen.

Bonus: One of the greatest pictures of all time.

I'm puttin' that on my predication list

The brilliance of this is that it's not even a full step away from most of the opinion news programming we get today. It's like a scant half-step. All I know is that I would watch it every day. Show 'em the 2nd Amendment!

Cheap Blogging Crutch - 5.11.10

If you're wondering about the picture above, I've got nothing for you. An image with that much Awesome packed into it requires no explanation whatsoever. To the links!

Last month a Seattle police officer detained an innocent Latino man and allegedly threatened to “beat the [expletive] Mexican piss out” of him. As much as I hope that justice is served and the cop is tossed in jail, where I'm sure he'll be very popular, I have to ask: why "Mexican piss"? Brevity suggests the universal shorthand "Corona" would be more appropriate.

While we're on the subject of criminal behavior on the part of the authorities, the Chicago Police Department will not press charges against a CVS employee who chased down and strangled to death a man who had shoplifted a tube of toothpaste. While an officer was on the scene, no less. One can only presume the predictably black suspect would have escaped with his life had he opted for the Extra Whitening.

Not content with war profiteering and murder abroad, Satan's cock wart defense contractor Blackwater/Xe has launched SnapScouts, a mobile phone application that enables America's youth to spy on on neighbors. I applaud this, as kids need to learn about mercenary armies and lawless international behavior as soon as possible. Actually, it turns out that this is fake, but you have to admire the satire, especially when it involves so many 1984 references.

The lovely and intrepid Daniela Perdomo points out that in the three weeks since Deepwater Horizon asploded, the American government hasn't exactly taken up the mantle of disciplinarian. In fact, while pistol-whipping the petroleum industry in the press and at pointless congressional finger-pointing sessions hearings, the Interior Department has quietly approved 27 new permits for offshore drilling. In similar news, Glenn Beck is PETA's new spokesperson.

We end, as always, with The Funny, today taking the form of the most epic Hipster text message break-up of all time. Ladies, when are you going to learn that you can't text message breakup?

If you see something, say something

New York based graphic designer Jay Shells has been peppering the subways with his Metropolitan Etiquette Authority posters.

[via animalnewyork]

Kenyan FACE!!!!

Kenya is famous for exporting two things. The first is tea, to the point where a tea leaf is on Kenyan coat of arms. But I didn't need to tell you that. The second is our President, Barack Hussein Mombasa, who was smuggled out of Kenya in late 1961, secretly transported to Hawaii where he was given forged documents purporting his American birth even though he didn't need them because his mother was American, and a plot was sinisterly put in motion over nearly 40 years to put him in a position to become President and silence those who know the truth.

We all know this. Kenya knows this. The teabaggers know this. And Kenya is flaunting those facts in a flagrant manner.

The Kenyan government is taking on the Tea Partiers head on -- hosting a "Real Tea Party" in the Capitol next Tuesday to promote the country's status as the world's number one exporter of tea. And they are explicitly contrasting it with the other tea parties that have been held of late on the Hill.

"The Government of Kenya, the world's #1 tea exporter, cordially invites you to a proper Kenyan Tea Party on Capitol Hill (one without a political agenda)," the invitation boasts.

The difference between this tea party and the Tea Party? Well, actual tea and an implied dress code that is something beyond flip-flops, a placard about socialism, and a Dale Jr. tee. And, despite being held at the Kenyan embassy, it will contain a whole lot less people that believe Obama is Kenyan than your typical teabagger gathering.

So this is where the Tea Party movement is at right now: being openly mocked by Kenya for your little gatherings and ideas about the President's birth. And the tea in the tea bags you've been waving around is probably Kenyan. Ouch. At least you stopped the health care bill from pass.... At least you got people to understand more about tax.... At least you made the country believe you were full of sane peop.... At least you got the Geico gecko voice actor fired. That's... something.

Crayola lets you make signs quickly, and without thinking

Those crafty finks over at The Full Ginsburg have put together this PSA from Crayola thanking Tea Party protesters for boosting quarterly revenue:

The Lupus of News

Stew Beef was in rare form last night with his response to Bernie Goldberg's recent attack on The Daily Show and its audience. Stewart returned serve by blithely beating Goldberg and his network of choice about the head and face, calling Fox a "terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization" and the "Lupus of news."

Oh, and there was a gospel choir belting out a refrain of "Go fuck yourself." If church were more like this, I would probably check in every now and then.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Bernie Goldberg Fires Back
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Ah, merica

Courtesy of reddit.

Art of the Day - 4.16.10

The following images come courtesy of TrustoCorp, an artist (or a collection thereof) "dedicated to highlighting the hypocrisy and hilarity of human behavior through sarcasm and satire."




Website HERE
Flickr HERE

Please tell me you haven't seen this yet

The Insane Clown Posse have made a new video. I know what you're saying: "That wouldn't interest me even if this was 1996 and I was suffering from a head injury". I know, this was my reaction as well. But that was only until I learned that they had become God rappers and released the most flawless form of unintentional comedy ever conceived. Watch it and I think you'll agree that they have created a perfect thing.

It's called "Miracles."



Now that you've seen it I think you understand why I posted it. It's like looking into the face of God.

Let us discuss why this is so great. Let's start with the title. "Miracles" doesn't seem to accurately describe the concept of the song so much as does the phrase "Basic concepts with which ICP are completely baffled and angered by." But let's look at the things they do consider miracles:

• giraffes
• that time a pelican tried to eat the Kevin James looking clown's cell phone
• fuckin' magnets and how they work
• dirt
• the fact that their children look like them, which might be an actual miracle given the kind of sleeping around this implies they feel their wives/girlfriends do
• fuckin' shootin' stars
• crows
• ghosts
• fuckin' rainbows
• magic all up in this bitch
• the Pyramids, which is something they only believed in as kids
• childbirth... ok I'll agree that shit'll shock ya eyelids
• music, which is also a form of magic

Now let us discuss why this video is such a comedy miracle:

• the fact that they point up when they say "dirt"
• the clown appearing in between the legs of a woman giving birth
• the fact that a video espousing all things natural and real was filmed entirely on greenscreen and used CG
• the look the one clown give after he informs us that music is just in there in the air and we can't even hold it
  
  it's like he thinks he dropped the most profound piece of information ever
• the fact that scientists make them angry by trying to explain fuckin' magnets and shit
• the dance the small one does when they relay the pelican story
• this story that tells you why there's so much goddamn butterfly imagery

Hell forget it, there's too much to love.

If they can drop another video like this I might even go to the next Gathering Of The Juggalos... un-ironically. Maybe I'll even hit up the Kickspit Underground Rock Festival as well. RIP Ass Dan.

Ahhh... wait... these people are millionaires. I think I just died a little inside. Wait... that's a miracle. Oh shit, it came around full circle up in this bitch

Judge and Justice Stevens

From tomorrow's NYT retrospective:

ONE of Justice Stevens’s trademarks is the courteousness with which he treats the lawyers who appear before the Supreme Court. When he wants to elicit information or make a point during oral argument, he typically interrupts the lawyer with the gentle preface, “May I ask you a question?”

During William Rehnquist’s tenure as chief justice, a lawyer was arguing in the court for the first time. When asked a question by Justice Anthony Kennedy, the nervous lawyer started her response with, “Well, Judge — ”

Chief Justice Rehnquist interrupted her. “That’s Justice Kennedy,” he said.

Shaken, the lawyer continued. A few minutes later, she responded to Justice David Souter by saying, “Yes, Judge.” Chief Justice Rehnquist corrected her again: “That’s Justice Souter.” A couple of minutes later, she called Chief Justice Rehnquist himself a judge.

The chief justice leaned forward, his deep voice now at its sternest, to say, “Counsel is admonished that this court is composed of justices, not judges.”

Before the lawyer could say anything, Justice Stevens interjected: “It’s O.K., Counsel. The Constitution makes the same mistake.”

— JEFFREY L. FISHER, associate professor at Stanford Law School and clerk from 1998 to 1999

My new favorite Tumblr feed

I give you Tea Party Jesus, which places the words of Christians in the mouth of Christ. Click on the images to see the source of the quote. The gem below, which you might remember, comes from Red State's Eric Erickson, who I've always suspected harbors a secret grudge against his parents for their lack of creativity in choosing his name.

Quote of the Day

From Brent Donaldson's excellent interview with Henry Rollins in Cincinnati Magazine:

You ever driven across Cincinnati and seen all the men standing on the corner in all the neighborhoods with all the doors boarded up, that’s what I saw last time I was there. What’s up with that? How come John Boehner isn’t coming to the rescue? Why do Republicans vote against the stimulus bill but they’re so happy to take the money that [Obama] gave them? You’re from Ohio, can you shed any light on that? Can you put that in the article so maybe a tea-partier can get back to me if he gets his gills to close long enough to get off his daughter and write me a letter?

The Universe is as it should be

Have you ever randomly stumbled across something that instantly made you feel as though you'd been waiting your entire life for its arrival? That happened to me earlier today when I discovered the Benny Hillifier.

This little chunk of genius will dub the Benny Hill theme over a video of your choosing. I'm thinking a little of Elias' death from Platoon mixed with some Omaha Beach from Saving Private Ryan and topped off with a Braveheart clip or two might just be the ticket. Enjoy.

And, as always, we encourage you to include as much pornography as possible in your abuse of this device.

Never Again Will We Have to Conjure a Euphemism for "Vagina"

Somehow lost in all the high drama and higher idiocy surrounding the health care debate is the well-being of the very device that enabled all of us to be sitting here around the campfire, yelling with our ears covered. I speak not of government initiative, parliamentary procedure, or the coming armed revolution of the toothless. No, I am speaking of the vagina. More specifically, of the feminine hygiene products commonly used on or in or around said vagina.

Aside from the semi-infrequent instances of Matthew calling Michele Bachmann a "loopy cunt," We Bastards do not often discuss the vagina, choosing to stick with the whole guttermouthed political commentary with occasional zombie update voodoo that we do so well. Moreover, politics is largely the province of men. How else could one explain it's unrelenting, abject stupidity?

However, as steadfast advocates of clean and healthy vaginas -- like most everyone, I emerged from one, whereas the monastery brought a restraining order against Matthew that is still part of an ongoing investigation -- we are honor-bound to endorse this product, for reasons that shall soon be blindingly conspicuous.

The Mooncup® is the original silicone menstrual cup designed by women to be a convenient, safe and eco-friendly alternative to tampons and sanitary pads.

Smashing. Nothing wrong with cramming some green technology into this sector, especially if women are made healthier and happier in the process. But what, exactly, does one call this area of the body?

Happily, the Mooncup page has lent us a hand, and in the process begun compiling an astounding collection of euphemisms. Go HERE, scroll all the way to the bottom and click on the "Tell us what you call yours" button. Some of our favorite results:

• Margaret Thatcher
• The Mouse Ear
• Fuckifuckiplace
• My Full English Breakfast
• Moon Base 1
• Doosje ('little box' in Dutch)
• Madame Feubeuleubeuleu
• Sonic the Hedgehog
• Map of Tasmania
• Lost Valley of the Dinosaurs
• Great Cthulhu
• Democrats*

...and, my personal favorite, The Downtown Dining and Entertainment District.

As of this writing the current leader, with 3,124 votes -- more than 2,300 votes more than the second place entry -- is... wait for it... Moot.

Well done, Anonymous. And now, back to Armageddon that health care stuff.

* - This is the only one I made up, I swear.

FINALLY!

The most carefully copy-edited scientific term in recent memory has been properly botched!

[via skepchick]

Required viewing

As we sometime amateurishly attempt satire here on this blog it is also our duty to point out when the masters do it so effectively. Such was the case last night when Jon Stewart turned the Daily Show into a 15 minute parody of Glenn Beck, his paranoia, and the cancer of the liberalism that Jon finds himself afflicted with.