Life Day

Hope your Christmas went well, or if you don't believe in the Lord I hope you at least got something useful done on the day off you received for our Jesustime. But now is not the time for talking about presents or drunken outbursts at inappropriate moments from relatives you have to suffer with every year. Now is the time to focus on what matters most during this time of year: Bizarre holiday themed Star Wars variety Christmas shows with Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur, costumes by Bob Mackie. As a gift to you, we give you the entire Star Wars Holiday Special. Try to look away, I dare you.

Broken News: NORAD Verifies UFO downed over northern Canada

Aerial footage of wolves tearing at the charred carcass of "Fat Man"

CHEYENNE--A spokesperson for the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) today confirmed reports that the organization had, in fact, intercepted, pursued and shot down an unidentified flying object that briefly entered airspace above Ellesmere Island in the northernmost part of Nunavut Province.

Speaking from a prepared statement, Gen Ralph Y. Timmons explained, "At approximately 0400 hours we received confirmation that an unidentified craft had entered airspace above northern Canada. The object appeared and disappeared several times, always completing a wide pass through the northernmost area of our surveillance, almost as though it were engaging in some sort of reconnaissance mission or, perhaps, test flight."

Asked to describe the vehicle, Timmons would say only that it did not resemble anything encountered before by either the United States or Canadian Air Defenses. "The craft was approximately four meters long by two meters high, manned by a single pilot and propelled by some sort of pulling mechanism in the front that seemed to consist of nine roughly equal parts, the foremost of which featured a bright red device, clearly used for navigational purposes."

First responders, who required several hours to reach the scene via plane, boat, dogsled, boat, boat, another dogsled, and feet, reported finding little more than what appeared to be antler shards, scorched felt, smoldering wooden trains, a severed foot with a bell-tipped slipper on it, burnt cookies, reams of parchment, and what metallurgists later identified as small concave spheres of copper with smaller balls of copper inside them.

"All I know is, it was big and it was coming at us," said F-14 pilot Captain Earl C. Graffigan. "After it spent thirty seconds beyond the zero line, I had orders to kill it. And that's what I did."

Away from the wreckage, nearly 100 yards from the crash site, were the burning remains of one large figure and two smaller sized creatures. According to site forensics it appears the two smaller creatures were trying to pull the larger one, perhaps their leader, away from the burning debris.

A field autopsy estimated the larger creature was in excess of 400 pounds, based on the heat of the fire, as well as the amount of charred and rendered fat in the area. Forensics have determined that due to the amount of fire and fuel provided by the large creature, dubbed Fat Man 1 by medical examiners, the fire burned uncontrollably and engulfed the smaller creatures, christened Small Man 1 and Small Man 2. As of yet no usable tissue has been recovered from Fat Man 1, but preliminary tests on Small Man 1 and 2 have revealed no traces of human DNA, prompting forensic experts to assume the Small Men might have used the Fat Man as a pressurized traveling vessel or meat suit.

Lieutenant Hermando Guitierrez, a flight instructor with the 21st Space Wing at Peterson Air Force base, later added, "We hope that this incident, though tragic, will reinforce the perception amongst America's enemies that we do not sleep, that we are always watching our borders. And that those who enter illegally will be punished."

When asked to speculate on who or what had attempted to penetrate American air defenses, Lieutenant Guitierrez would not go on record. He would only confirm that world radar networks always saw these kinds of disturbances near the end of the year and that whatever was trying to breach US air defense might have been hoping to take advantage of the holiday distraction.

Guitierrez was also quick to laud President Bush, whose global War on Terror justified the investments into tracking and surface-to-air missile technology that allowed this object to be so quickly hunted down and reduced to smoldering ash.

Guitierrez continued, “Look, we want everyone to have a wonderful holiday and be assured that America is watching out for you. And for all the kids out there, we promise the skies will be clear and safe when Santa makes his rounds tonig-- Oh, fuck. What have we done? THIS PRESS CONFERENCE IS OVER! GET OUT! ALL OF YOU!"

Santahmadinejad

It is the season for Christmas themed televisions shows. Rudolph getting to join the sleigh, Frosty being horrifically murdered by heat and de-hatting, Linus whining about pumpkins and shit, and all the new shows that aren't as good as the crappy puppet versions put together with couch cushion change fifty years ago. The UK is trying to forge it's own new traditions. No more with the Dickensian Victorian business, pantomime theatre, and wasseling, it's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad with a Christmas message of love.

Merry Christmas, "bullying, ill-tempered and expansionist powers."

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will deliver a Christmas Day broadcast on Britain's Channel 4 television, occupying a slot used to provide an often controversial counterpoint to Queen Elizabeth II's traditional annual message, the station said Wednesday.

In his recorded message, Ahmadinejad offers seasonal greetings to Christians and says he believes that if Jesus were alive, he would "stand with the people in opposition to bullying, ill-tempered and expansionist powers," an apparent reference to the United States and its allies.

That's nice, counter-programming the Queen on Christmas with a Holocaust denier who'll have to stand on a box to reach the microphone. Fa la la la la, la la la laaaa. We, unfortunately don't get any adresses from shady criminal leaders of rouge states, what with Bush and Cheney not having recorded a thing, all we get a mostly meaningless bowl games and three hundered viewings of A Christmas Story. Where's the hate? 'Tis the season.

Russian Christmas

Maybe you want that new fandangled iPod with the clicky wheel, or some damn bloop blorp video games with the horrible violence, or some lame shit like peace and love, or to not have syphilis anymore. Maybe you're a traitor to this country and it's Judeo-Christian founding and are worshiping the eight candle God or whatever the hell that's all about. But I know what we all wanted this Christmas: for Vladimir Putin to challenge our President-Elect by buying 70 new nukes while doing the Charleston on expiring treaties.

Russia is to increase sharply its production of strategic nuclear missiles, throwing down the gauntlet to the US president-elect, Barack Obama, who would have to deal with the Kremlin's response to US missile defence plans in Europe.

A senior government official in Moscow said the Russian military would commission 70 strategic missiles over the next three years. It was unclear whether sea-launched ballistic missiles were included in this figure, but military experts said it could represent up to a fourfold increase on the rate of production of land-based intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs).

The missiles would be part of a £95bn defence procurement package for 2009-2011, said Vladislav Putilin, a deputy head of the Russian cabinet's military-industrial commission in charge of weapons industries. Russia has produced only five to seven Topol-M ICBMs a year since the late 1990s and its stockpiles of several hundred heavy Soviet-era missiles such as the SS-19 Stiletto are rapidly reaching the end of their lifespan.

How much do you want to bet Vladislav Putilin is Vladimir Putin, but with a big phony mustache and a bowler hat as a disguise? But it's nice that Russia says it doesn't want to get left behind in a new nuclear arms race. I didn't know that we were in a new nuclear arms race, but there you have it, we are and we're behind. Merry Christmas, it's the Cold War!

United States of Sexy

With recent photos of President-Elect Obama strutting down a foreign Hawaiian beach without a shirt, people have been buoyed by the fact that there's a President they want to have sex with for his body as well as his policies. Or something. Some complained about the invasion of privacy. But good ole Huffington Post is there to show us that shirtless sexpot Presidents are as American as apple pie. We are a United States of Freedom, but we are a United States of Rippling, Sexy Man-Flesh as well. Merry Christmas, I got you the shirtless shot of Gerald Ford you always wanted. NSFW.

Sarah Palin figured out why she lost

Human Events has done us all the favor of delving into the fertile labyrinth that is the mind of America's dumb rural aunt, Sarah Palin. When asked to explain what John McCain most smelled like what was the biggest selecting Palin mistake selecting Palin that selecting Palin the campaign selecting Palin made selecting Palin, Sarah decided to swing for the fences after mindwiping every interview she did from her brain. 

PALIN: The biggest mistake made was that I could have called more shots on this: the opportunities that were not seized to speak to more Americans via media. I was not allowed to do very many interviews, and the interviews that I did were not necessarily those I would have chosen. But I was so thankful to have the opportunity to run with John McCain that I was not going to argue with the strategy decisions that some of his people were making regarding the media contacts.

But if I would have been in charge, I would have wanted to speak to more reporters because that’s how you get your message out to the electorate.

You and the Obama camp both, sister. Your continually inept interviews caused so many Americans to hock puke up into their mouths that it was the only thing keeping them from tasking the full flavor of the boiled shoe leather they were forced to eat because the economy collapsed. You are the woman perpetually baffled by the question "Could you be a little more specific." You got steamrolled by Katie Couric and were all but hidden from the press corps. You should never be allowed to talk to anyone unless they are so sycophantic as to completely protect and answer questions for you (Human Events FTW~!). The only thing more destructive than your interviews was the selection of you by Crazy Uncle Walnuts.

Be 2012 already, I need to see what kind of campaign she runs for President.

PSA

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Scarborough Country renamed Classytown

Matthew was rightly salivating earlier over the prospect of some truly epic "What the-- what the FUCK?" moments from conservative talking heads in the coming years. Apparently Joe Scarborough reads These Bastards because this morning, in response to Mika Brzezinski's comment that it was so cold her car door froze shut, Joe mused:

"Oh, American car. That's the problem," Scarborough declared: "The American car -- you know what? It's probably some Japanese engineer that made the key hold -- just sabotaged us. Kinda like blowing up things at Pearl Harbor."

Yes, Joe. It is exactly like that. Hide your virgins, roundeye.

Video below the fold.

Something for the kids

Oh how I missed you sweet, sweet Republican crazy

You know the 2000's (aughts? zeros?) have been banner times for the Republican party. They've ruled almost fully for eight years and have transformed the country into a toxic wasteland where the corporations war with government over free money and the right to sodomize the peasants. But we've been missing the crazy. Sure when they were in power they called every Democrat a traitor or troop hater, but where was that nineties creativity? In the nineties Bill Clinton ran drug rings, murdered friends, raped everything that moved, and smuggled all the W keys off White House keyboards in a condom inside his ass. Rush Limbaugh, seeing the dearth of conspiracy theories, has strode in mightily to fill the void.

Who’s benefiting? Aside from the people being bailed out. The Democrat party and Barack Obama are benefiting.

They got elected, they increased their numbers in the House, they increased their numbers in the Senate, they got the White House now, and they’ve got a crisis that people think can only be fixed with the all-mighty and powerful government interceding to save this or to save that, when in fact, the government is going to nationalize the automobile industry. It’s going to nationalize some banks. It’s going to nationalize the mortgage industry, and may end up nationalizing the automobile industry. […]

So the Obama team and the Democrat party are benefiting tremendously from this, even if it has spun out of control. It’s spun out of control, but they’ll make due with a new crisis they created a la Rahm Emanuel. But the reason I think it has spun a little out of control and gone a little further than they intended is that even the Obama people are saying, “Hey, it’s going to be really bad for a really long time.”

That's right El Dildo Rushbo, the Democrats ruined the economy over a five month period after getting nothing passed in the House or Senate. At least he's on the right track, Bill O'Reilly and Karl Rove were trying to peddle the economic crisis as a hoax perpetrated by the media. Silly Mayberry Machiavelli, the media is this country is dead. At least there's one man out there fighting to get out the truth. That this country is not in economic dire straights, and if it is its the result of Chuck Schumer calling a failing bank a failing bank, liberal conspiracies to elect Democrats, and not Republican fiscal policies. Get it straight.

God, talk radio is going to be so much fun the next few years.

Mommy and Daddy are grifting for Xmas

The American spirit remains undeterred. Can't afford presents or basic goods? Fuck it, take 'em anyway. You deserve them and so do your children. If Mattel didn't wan't your kids to get a Memphis Jookin' Elmo they shouldn't have made it so damn appealing and stocked it in stores that aren't susceptible to the snatch and dash.

Police departments across the country say that shoplifting arrests are 10 percent to 20 percent higher this year than last. The problem is probably even greater than arrest records indicate since shoplifters are often banned from stores rather than arrested.

Much of the increase has come from first-time offenders like Mr. Johnson making rash decisions in a pinch, the authorities say. But the ease with which stolen goods can be sold on the Internet has meant a bigger role for organized crime rings, which also engage in receipt fraud, fake price tagging and gift card schemes, the police and security experts say.

Don't we know it. The TB grifter ring has netted us profits in the thousands over the last few weeks. In fact if Sean or I gives you a gift this holiday season it was 100% stolen, either from a store or from a vulnerable person in a parking lot. You're able to get nicer things this way.

Just remember, if it's too expensive, you don't have to walk away. Just know where the exits are and don't stop running until you can't hear the sirens.

Economy rebounds on strength of sequins, paste

Think the American manufacturing base is dead? Think we can't still, you know, manufacture automobiles and cars and... bases? Think again.

SAN FRANCISCO — Feeling the pinch of the economic downturn, some holiday gift-givers are saving money this year by making their own presents or — for those who lack the time or talent — buying handmade gifts from others.

Craft stores, from giant chains like Michaels Stores to small scrapbook supply shops, are reporting that sales are higher compared with the last holiday season, and online marketplaces for handmade goods, like Etsy, are seeing a boom in listings and transactions.

You heard it here first: this holiday season, DIY is the new black. This will pay dividends once the power cuts out and we're forced to subsist on a diet of popsicle stick coasters cooked over a scrapbook barrel fire.

Ah, who am I kidding? Like we'll be able to afford barrels.

Broken In Brief: Iraqi shoe throwing an elaborate viral marketing scheme

BAGHDAD—With the recent revelation that the Baydan Shoe Company, makers of the Baydan Model 271 shoe that journalist Muntazar al-Maidi threw at President Bush, is now one of the most popular brands in the Middle East, Mr. al-Maidi and owner Ramazan Baydan have today revealed that the shoe throwing and subsequent spreading of the video footage were just an elaborate viral marketing scheme to increase sales and bring street cred to the company.

“We thought it was pretty obvious, but certain Iraqi officials are taking it the wrong way,” said company CEO Baydan.” They want to charge my boy with attempted murder and embarrassing a foreign dignitary when all he was doing was getting some name recognition for BSC. I mean he yelled out ‘This is for the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq.’ That’s a reference to the charity groups that benefit from the sales on model 271. Then he yelled ‘This is a farewell kiss, you dog’, which has been our marketing slogan for years. I think some of the confusion arises from the fact that most people saw the news broadcasts instead of our footage, after Bush ducks the second shoe we superimpose our logo on the screen with the message ‘Baydan Shoes: This Is a Farewell Kiss, You Dog.’”

Initial figures mark this viral campaign as a success, with Baydan seeing stores sell out of model 271 and having to move to fill an additional 140,000 orders. But Iraqi shoe industry insiders worry that by revealing the scheme in an attempt to protect al-Maidi from the repercussions of Iraq’s backwards judicial system, the Baydan Shoe Company might be compromising future sales and a loss of the street cred that is so critical to the Iraqi shoe markets.

When asked about this possibility Mr. Baydan just shrugged it off. “We’ve moved beyond the need to do viral marketing now, this stunt put us in the big time. Now I think we can move our shoe throwing antics into the mainstream with professionally done ad campaigns. We’ve got Wes Anderson working on a shoe throwing bit with Andrea Merkel to debut our new line of loafers. We really think this is just the beginning for us, this shoe throwing thing is going to be our ‘Just Do It’.”

Tis' the season....for climate change skepticism

It's that time of year again, where some of us partake in time honored rituals fit for the season. Christmas? Hanukkah? Spiritual Literacy Month? Clerc-Gallaudet Week? The Saturnalia? No, bitching that because it is cold out climate change is a hoax and Al Gore is a mind controlling charlatan. Don't you saps see? I'm cold! It's cold out! There's nothing warming about cold! HOAX! Leading the charge this year are Roger Simon

Brrr… it’s cold outside here in LA - currently 34 degrees f...Every year around this time we all look at each other and say, “I can’t remember it ever being this cold.”... Still the global warming dispute goes on...If there’s ever been an argument with (excuse the metaphor) more heat than light, this is it. But what we often seem to have here is the AWG skeptics ironically in the role of Galileo with the liberal intelligentsia playing an ultra-conservative clergy led by Al Gore...Nevertheless, as I have said what feels like a zillion times, just because Al thinks something is so, doesn’t mean it isn’t.

and Deroy Murdock

Winter officially arrived with Sunday's solstice. But for many Americans, autumn 2008's final days already feel like deepest, coldest January...What are the odds of that? Actually, the odds are rising that snow, ice and cold will grow increasingly common. As serious scientists repeatedly explain, global cooling is here. It is chilling temperatures and so-called "global-warming."..."Global warming is over, and Global warming theory has failed. There is no evidence that CO2 drives world temperatures or any consequent climate change,"...As global cooling becomes more widely recognized, Americans from Maine to Malibu should feel comfortable dreaming of a white Christmas.

You can feel the intellectual rigor wafting off these pieces. "There was snow in someplace there hasn't been snow in a while. Game over Gore, you fuck! Warmth is warm, snow is cold!" You don't ever see these people chirp up when it's balls melting hot in the summer. Nor for that matter when scientists mention all that ice that's melting up north and blah blah blah C02 readings and catastrophe blah blah blah. You only get these deep think pieces quoting the five climate change skeptics with doctorates (in archaeology, astrology, and advanced Frinkonomics) when they realize it's gotten cold enough for them to churn out another piece of COLD~! brilliance. Here, let me have the fat lying charlatan explain it to you with maths+science:

Despite the fact that we had record-breaking October heat, apparently 2008 looks like it might be the coldest year in the past decade.

Of course, global warming denialists are loving this. They point out that not only is 2008 a cold year, but that there hasn’t been any statistically significant warming in the past decade if you consider that the record hot year of 1998 was caused by El Niño, a climate change refuge from Latin America.

But what I can tell you is that the denialists have it all wrong: we’re not talking about global warming anymore, we’re talking about climate change. As temperatures rise, the climate will change very rapidly and very unpredictably in all directions.

There are lots of ways that rising temperatures can produce colder temperatures.

Goreacle then provides examples and links to people's work that explains that, then drops some knowledge about statistical measuring models and DNA research. He even engages them on the intellectual level of "I feel cold, so this is all bullshit" too. These very cold people have been running our climate change policy for the past eight years. Comforting, no?

So instead of hanging stockings or exchanging gifts this year, we all need to partake in our new holiday tradition: abandoning science because we're chilly. We're all fucked anyway. See you in the sweater lines!

Bible of the day

Because He is the reason for the season, today we present you with the Brick Testament, a Bible enacted out entirely with Lego bricks. It is the most comprehensive illustrated bible in the world, or so it says. Caution: Lego nudity and Lego violence.

Quick, unconvict Ted Stevens and re-elect him

Most of us here at These Bastards rejoiced, mocked, piled on, and laughed our asses off over the fact that Ted Stevens got his ass convicted and voted out of office. But we forgot about all the people who that would hurt, those who would be unduly affected by Tubes absence from the Senate. Of course by that I mean crooked lobbyists.

Until recently, there were few better ways to start a lobbying career than by leaving the office of Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska.

With 40 years of seniority on important Senate committees, Mr. Stevens, a Republican, wielded unrivaled power over industries like fishing, forestry, communications, aviation and the military, steering billions each year to pet Alaskan projects like Eskimo whaling, missile defense and even salmon-based dog treats called Yummy Chummies.

His power made his good will a valuable commodity on K Street, where many lobbying firms are located. During the past five years, just nine lobbyists and firms known primarily for their ties to Mr. Stevens reported over $60 million in lobbyist fees, not including other income for less direct “consulting.” The most recent person to leave his staff to become a lobbyist reported fees of more than $800,000 in just the last 18 months.

So when Alaskan voters narrowly rejected Mr. Stevens’s bid for re-election last month, just days after a jury convicted him of federal ethics violations, it was in some ways like the closing of the plant in a company town.

Ahh yes, the old bullshit factory got closed down. Whither the crooked lobbyists and their bagman Senator? Listening to all these lobbyists piss and moan that they'll no longer have a Senate seat bought and paid for and have a crooked vessel to pass their legislation makes it hard to believe that it took this long to get Ted Stevens convicted. Read it and marvel at the way he strong armed groups into hiring staffers fro high paid high ranking positions, how he'd practically vote for anything as long as there was some kickback to Alaska, and how his former staffers would rake in 6 to 7 figure fees solely for lobbying their old boss. It really is a marvel.

Now it's all up and gone, vanished like dust in the wind. Even if Begich is a total crook it'll take him years to get up to the level of Uncle Ted. According to lobbyists, Alaska will rue the day they voted out Teddy, because now they aren't going to benefit from all the bridges, land deals, and salmon dog treat companies he bequeathed upon them. That'll teach them to have a modicum of a conscience about massive public corruption.

Merry Christmas, failures.

Bailed-Out Executives Got $1.6 Billion In 2007

Banks that have their hands out in Washington this year were handing out multimillion-dollar rewards to their executives last year.

The 116 banks that so far have received taxpayer dollars to boost them through the economic crisis gave their top tier of executives nearly $1.6 billion in salaries, bonuses and other benefits in 2007, an Associated Press analysis found.

That amount, spread among the 600 highest paid bank executives, would cover the bailout money given to 53 of the banks that have shared the $188 billion that Washington has doled out in rescue packages so far.

Some people might be mad that a bunch of failed businessmen raked in $1.6 billion for stinking at their jobs more than anyone is history has ever stunk at their jobs. But they rooked the government into completely covering those mistakes, so bully for them. Their collective muscling of world powers into bailing out nearly every moderately sized bank or financial institution in existence surely deserves a few extra dollars in the stocking.

Best of all is the fact that they aren't just getting piles of cash, but other fringe benefits as well. Company jets, company chauffeurs, company butlers, monocle fitting services, country club memberships, gold plating services, and most surprisingly professional money management. Really? Executives of large banks and financial companies need outside help from professionals to manage their money? The only perk that does make sense is free security, because now more than ever do they need Blackwater or some even more ruthless company protecting these billionaires home's from the peasants should they start an uprising. So take heart, in this the giving season, thanks to the shady machinations of the Bush Administration and every crooked financial institution, people who are terrible at their jobs are getting their full bonus packages. Merry Christmas!

Stiller Sunday

After much bitching about the conclusion of last week's Ravens game and it's "controversial" touchdown call, we finally get to move on to a battle for AFC #1 seed supremacy. Just one thing, if the NFL network has two specific angles with light up graphics and super imposed lines showing the ball crossing the goal line, if NBC has the same, and if NFL Head of Officiating Mike Pereira goes on TV to show frame by frame the ball crossing the goal line, then it isn't exactly a controversial call, Mel Kiper's crybaby whining notwithstanding.

Today yinz Stillers bring their number one, three measly Pro-Bowlers defense into Nashville, home of the fading Titans. This win will all but guarantee home field for the victor and a shameful first round bye and #2 slot for the loser. The Titans are without defensive standouts Albert "You've got a bee on your face, let me step on it for you" Haynesworth and Kyle Vandenbosch. Fat Albert is who some people are trying to pretend has played better than James Harrison for the DPOY this year. On average when Haynesworth is out the Titans D surrenders 10 more points, 40 more rushing yards, and loses most of their games. One other storyline to watch: will referees ever call holding on an offensive line that faces the Steelers D? If you've been counting, we're at six games without opposing offenses racking up so much as a holding penalty.

None of this matters though, we all know what's happening: Steelers O looks like shit for three quarters, then turns it on for the fourth quarter, looks like the greatest offense ever concieved and scores the necessary amount of points to win the game. Really, you only need to watch the last 3 minutes.

EDIT: 31-14 Titans. Opposite happened: good in the first half, shit in the second. Shoot everyone on the offensive line in the head.

Portrait of the day

The National Portrait Gallery today unveiled the painting of George Bush that they will assuredly hang in the bathroom. Maybe there's a Hall of Infamous Cretins they can put it in. The painting, done by Robert Anderson, will hang behind protective glass so you can get spit, urine, or any other bodily fluids on it.

Broken In Brief: Liberal activists pry guns from Heston's cold dead hands

BEVERLY HILLS—In what has been declared a “stunning and shocking raid,” this morning the gravesite of renowned actor Charlton Heston was discovered dug up, the two rifles with which he was buried missing and presumed pried from his cold, dead hands. The rifles, one a replica from his western film Will Penny, the other an honorary rifle given to him by the NRA after his third heartless rejoinder to a family suffering a gun-related tragedy, are being held by the liberal National Coalition of Hippie Peaceniks, who have claimed responsibility for the grave robbing.

In a statement released to the media, the NCHP stated, “We have struck a blow for all literal-minded activist organizations with too much time on their hands. He literally asked for this and you people had to know it was coming. We have his guns and have taken them in the manner in which he prescribed. Furthermore we will dig up the grave of any celebrity to prove a cheap point to an inanimate corpse. We would like to think Mr. Heston is looking up and smiling, knowing that we totally got him. We also dinged the shit out of his coffin and trod on his decaying sternum. Moral victories abound!”

The police at this point are unable to do anything, as Heston’s statement is viewed under California law as a direct challenge to grave robbers. “Look if Chuck didn’t want those guns stolen, he shouldn’t have dared the criminal community to come steal them,” explained Deputy Sergeant Robert Thorn. “At the very least he should have fortified his grave better. Sealing it in cement, 24 hour guard duty, or perhaps a mini-gun with a motion sensor set to fire on anyone who approached. I frankly find it shocking that he would so brazenly leave his grave vulnerable. Unless he coated those guns in a poison or some sort of nasty plague. I guess we won’t know about that for a while. What I’m saying is: it was his fault.”

Cheap blogging crutch - 12.19.08

Just a few things I came across while cursing the subway for making me miss my train back to Pittsburgh for the high Christian Holiday...

Theft, Inc.
If your wallet feels a little lighter today, odds are it has little to do with the job market or Mandatory Consumption Day (NYSE: XMAS). No, credit your reduced weight to the one-two government intervention combo delivered by President Bush and Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. The former approved throwing almost $18 Billion at an auto industry that could fuck up a free lunch. The latter warned Congress to open up the remaining $350 Billion in bailout money because, gee, he already spent the other $350 Billion on candy and records.

"I will be [expletive deleted]-ing vindicated"
Mr. Blagoo addressed the media today, pulling a "Fuck you, I'm denying everything" worthy of Ted Stevens. Early indications suggest the defense's strategy will consist primarily of equal parts "I was just kidding when I said those things" and "You can't prove shit, motherfuckers." This should go well.

Limbaugh, staying classy
Bravely seizing upon the opportunity afforded him by a criminal act, Rush today cracked wise about the mugging of Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski. Said Limbaugh, "What happened to Mika Brzezinski is exactly why we need permanent, across-the-board tax cuts. If we cannot keep more of our own money, muggers are going to have to work over time."

Crater of Doom a myth?
New evidence suggests that the Dinosaurs might not have been killed off by an asteroid after all. According to the Wired blog, "Huge volcanic eruptions that belched sulfur into the air for around 10,000 years could have killed the dinosaurs..." Creationist backlash touting this as evidence of the inherent flaws in science to commence in 3... 2...

Hail, Idiocy!
A couple who named their child Adolph Hitler Campbell is pissed at ShopRite for refusing to make a birthday cake with the lad's name on it. The couple, whose two year-old daughter is named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, claimed they just wanted to give their children unique names that no one else would think of. If they continue to procreate, Vegas odds currently 1:3 that the next child will be named Pol Pot Stalin Mussolini Vader Campbell.

A pirate life for me

So these Somali pirates, why do they do it? Is it just because they have no other jobs, the infrastructure and government of Somalia is so poor that this is the best option for them? Money and pussy? The feeli....actually it was the last one.

"Is there any Somali who can earn a million dollars for any business? We get millions of dollars easily for one attack," bragged Salah Ali Samatar, a 32-year-old pirate who spoke by phone from Eyl, a pirate den on Somalia's desolate northern coast.
...
"It is true," said a 28-year-old pirate who identified himself as Jama. "We are getting very rich."

Jama, who described himself as a high-ranking member of a group based in Eyl, has earned $375,000 as a pirate, enough to buy a Toyota Land Cruiser and to begin building a six-bedroom house in Garowe, the regional capital, for his family.
...
"Once there was a girl who lived in Garowe," 100 miles from Eyl, Jama said. "I loved her. I tried to approach her many times, but she rejected me. But since I became a pirate, she has tried nine times to get with me.
...
"The pirates are the hottest men in town," Abdi said. "Girls from all over Somalia moved here to marry pirates. But if the girl isn't cute she's out of luck, because the pirates only go with beautiful girls."

Yeah, the money's good, but the ladies are what piracy is really about. And parrots, bomb ass parrots. Keep in mind that all of this, the dozens of hijackings resulting in millions of dollars in ransom, is being done with little more than small fiberglass boats and AK-47's. These guys have so disrupted trade that the UN is going to send naval support, led by the Chinese, into the area to pursue the pirates on land or sea. Not bad for a couple of guys who wanted Land Cruisers and get with the easily impressed girls of Garowe. They'll all be killed by the Chinese, but not bad.

HBO Films presents "Ted Haggard: No Seriously, I'm Not Gay."

We all remember Ted haggard, right? The disgraced leader of the National Association of Evangelicals and pastor who got caught nailing rent boys in meth fueled orgies? Ring a bell? He's back, in a HBO documentary directed by Nancy Pelosi's daughter.

Disgraced evangelical leader Ted Haggard says in a new documentary that he still struggles with his sexuality yet is committed to his marriage for the sake of his children.
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He confessed to undisclosed "sexual immorality" and has said, "I really did sin."

The Gazette of Colorado Springs reported Thursday that in the documentary, Haggard talks about a lifelong battle with his sexuality _ and that he never claimed to be heterosexual.
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"The Trials of Ted Haggard," directed by Alexandra Pelosi, daughter of U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, is set to air Jan. 29 on HBO. The Associated Press reported Wednesday that Haggard has agreed to promote the documentary.

I don't know Ted, getting married, having kids, and living a couple decades of a lie seems like a pretty bold statement of heterosexuality. This looks good, he's going to continue to deny that he's gay, deny that he used drugs, and never come to any realization that his constant struggles are the very result of his self loathing and refusal to admit to himself who he is, so he should be A-OK going forward. Plus, he already said he was cured of homosexuality during his exile, so everything is all right. He's totally not going to commit suicide in the next few years. 

Ted, the sin is one of massive hypocrisy, not having "the gay". Anyway, next month get ready for some discomfort and self delusion. Trailer here.

Probably gonna be a Senator Smalley

Well it's almost over, with the counting of about 5,000 ballots left, Norm Coleman is now behind by 52 votes and the Star Tribune is predicting that Al Franken will be Minnesota's next Senator by a margin of 89 votes.(Eat it Nate Silver) So Al will be able to declare victory and start pimp strutting around St. Paul any day now, right? No, this thing will drag on into 2009, possibly 2014, while more challenges continue.

With Republican incumbent Norm Coleman's lead shrinking to just two votes, the state board examining disputed ballots in Minnesota's U.S. Senate race is close to wrapping up its decisions on challenges.

However a key court ruling has practically guaranteed that the recount will drag into the new year.
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But the final outcome of the recount will also depend on some 5,000 withdrawn challenges that have not yet been allocated to the candidates. Secretary of State Mark Ritchie said those wouldn't be allocated until next week at the earliest.

So the road goes ever on. Frankly at this point I think Norm will concede for a quick $75,000 funneled into his wife's account. The man doesn't have time to focus on a recount, he has to concentrate on a trial now.

Probable congrats to Senator Franken, Democrats now will control 59 seats.

Broken News: Persistent, violent weather patterns declared temporary, mild

WASHINGTON—After what has been deemed a "thorough review," today the Bush Administration released a joint review from the National Weather Service, Environmental Protection Agency, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and the Office of the White House Chief of Staff stating that the increasingly bizarre, violent, strange, and unpredictable weather patterns of the last few years to be a temporary condition that in no way related to global warming in any way.

“Listen, this is all part of the natural cycle of things,” observed EPA Undersecretary and Liberty University Chair Jason Slattery. “Frankly I think the earth has decided ‘enough tropical hurricanes in the north’ and has decided to send them much more frequently to the colder waters of South America where they never used to hit. The fact these disasters are now a weekly occurrence now is Mother Earth just balancing things out after eons of hurricanes and cyclones happening one way and one way only. Fair is fair.”

Furthermore the report stresses that the increase in the level of Category 4 and 5 hurricanes also had nothing to do with increased CO2 levels warming the waters on the Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico. In fact the report goes so far to stress that man made actions have had no effect on climate that a separate GAO study revealed that this report used the most bolded statements, underlined sentences, exclamation points, and uses of the phrases “because we said so”, “trust us”, and “listen, we know what we’re talking about” in the history of US Government.

“People are so quick to lump everything in with global warming,” noted government spokesman Eric Frost. “All we’re saying is ‘No, it isn’t and if you ever mention it we’ll fire you and pull your funding.’ But these Al Gore types don’t want to hear it. It’s all climate change this, hurricanes that, New Orleans this, global catastrophe that. Maybe they just don’t want to face the real facts here: the hurricanes have been testing our defenses for years and now that they know our weaknesses, they’re attacking them at full strength. Where’s the slideshow about that?”

He continued “Plus, I read on a message board that some scientists in the seventies once thought the globe was cooling or something and that totally didn’t happen. So, I think we see how all science is invalid as a result.”

But it isn’t just limited to hurricanes. In the last year climate scientists have reported the rise of 8.0 magnitude earthquakes, an increase in the frequency and intensity of tornadoes, exploding mountains, rivers of acid, the existence of marauding clouds of pure electricity, and an under-reported story from last month: a cyclone made of fire, flaming hail, and sulfur that ravaged the southern coast of Africa.

When asked to explain the Infernocane, the Bush Administration attributed the fire storm to biblical end times prophecy and “…clearly not the result of decades of unchecked industrial emissions and flammable substances” and denied any connection to the napalm factory that it commissioned and opened in Johannesburg last year.

When asked for any scientific proof to back these assertions the Administration just handed out copies of the Left Behind book series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins with a not that we should “…prepare to have our fuckin’ minds blown.” When further pressed for a better explanation during today’s announcement press conference Mr. Frost simply said “Uhhhhh…sun…spots? More of them? Sun…fire…wind. That sounds…plausible.” before abruptly ending the session.

Slattery offered another perspective “When balanced against, say, the fires of creation, the forging of the planet, the meteor/alien conspiracy that killed the dinosaurs, Vesuvius, the sinking of the continent of Atlantis, the crucifixion of Jesus, every nuke in the world simultaneously being launched and detonating, I think you’ll find things like massive, constant lightning attacks, five mile high tornados, mud slides in areas with no mud or hills for it to slide on, the evaporation of 70% of the world’s drinkable water, and the incineration of the lower half of Africa by means of a fire storm to be relatively mild when compared side to side.”

It was the final conclusion of the report that there was “nothing to see here” and that everyone should just “move along now.” The government hopes that these completely placid and common weather patterns will run their course, but have advised citizens that they might need to endure a few thousand years of sweltering heat, destroyed coasts, and the desertification of all crop land before there is a noticeable improvement.