Video of the day

Not to alarm you about our future war against the robots but.... ROBOTS CAN NOW SEEK US OUT AND HUNT US DOWN ON ANY TERRAIN!!!! GAH!



So this is what the shock troops will look like, eh Skynet? Well then, we'll see you on the battlefield. We'll be the ones with souls.

Picture of the day

Via the Bad Astronomy blog and NASA's HubbleSite, comes a look at a mysterious black spot on Jupiter that has healed itself up. The oddness? That to create that spot there would have had to have been AN EXPLOSION THE SIZE OF SEVERAL HUNDRED THOUSANDS NUCLEAR BOMBS!!!! KA-BOOM!!! NO one is really sure how it all happened though. Did an asteroid or comet hit it that we didn't see? Are the Jupitarians going through some sort of massive civil war? Did we launch a couple hundred thousand nukes at Jupiter just for shits and giggles?

OK, it was probably an asteroid, but if we didn't see it coming beforehand and aren't totally sure what happened... what's that bode for humanity, Earth, and any possible asteroid that comes hurtling at us? BRUCE WILLIS CAN'T SAVE US IN REAL LIFE! But there we are: space based fiery sky death could even be more sudden and unexpected than we previously thought. Sweet dreams! Just kidding, we'll definitely have killed ourselves off before any space rock gets a chance. Sweet dreams!

Click to embiggen.

Picture of the day

Via the Big Picture Blog comes more of the Eyjafjallajokull eruption. Look, I don't want to jump to any premature conclusions yet, but I think it's time to declare Europe a dead, ash strewn wasteland and move on with our lives in this post-Euro world. They had their run and God destroyed them because we passed health care reform. We mustn't be consumed with the past, consumed with the Europe that was. We must look to the future. We'll just wait for them to slowly die from the lack on sunlight and heat, then we'll send in looting teams to pick up ashy Mona Lisa's, statues, and the like. Win win.

Clicks embiggen. You know this.

Things you don't want to hear the military say

There are things you don't want to hear the military say. Things like "Sorry we accidentally killed all those civilians", "Sorry we purposely killed all those civilians", "I just read a Glenn Beck book, who wants to start a Tea Bag militia with actual soldiers?", "I found the pin, but where's the grenade?", or "Anyone seen a large nuclear bomb shaped object lying around... perhaps with a southern man in a cowboy hat riding it... no?".

How about "we foresee a severe oil crisis that will drive up prices drastically as demand outstrips supply and further compounds large scale economic problems" and notes that they're going to be operating and planning for the future under these projections?

The US military has warned that surplus oil production capacity could disappear within two years and there could be serious shortages by 2015 with a significant economic and political impact.

The energy crisis is outlined in a Joint Operating Environment report from the US Joint Forces Command. ... "By 2012, surplus oil production capacity could entirely disappear, and as early as 2015, the shortfall in output could reach nearly 10 million barrels per day," says the report, which has a foreword by a senior commander, General James N Mattis.

It adds: "While it is difficult to predict precisely what economic, political, and strategic effects such a shortfall might produce, it surely would reduce the prospects for growth in both the developing and developed worlds. Such an economic slowdown would exacerbate other unresolved tensions, push fragile and failing states further down the path toward collapse, and perhaps have serious economic impact on both China and India."

Well.... goody gumdrops. Bonus points to a Mad Max apocalypse scenario. Now I know I won't look like an ass for armoring up my dune buggy and creating an array of fearsome costumes and masks.

I know you might be thinking "Well that's just the military and blarg blarg conspiracy raaargh no blood for oil", but if there's one thing that the US military takes seriously it's their ability to wage war and massive oil shortages fuck with their ability to wage war. On the bright side they're talking about 2015 and by then we'll probably have all that coastal offshore oil drilled out by then.

Sunshine and smiles everyone. Start hoarding gas and take lessons on how to subdue a school-bus full of gas, crossbow wielding rebels, and feral children with a Dodge Charger and a few thrill seeking minions.

Gear up to fight the undead

I know in recent months we've been focusing too heavily on various health, nuclear, and financial based apocalypses. SO much so that we've taken our focus off the real apocalyptic threat that we all wish and know is coming: zombie apocalypse. We accept full blame. We know that we should be preparing you to fight the undead and we have failed.

But there is still time. The dead have not yet risen. So it is with that that we are able to pass on a way to fight the zombies and still be fashion forward. Thanks to Uncrate Garb, you too can outfit yourself in the latest zombie survival tech.

This urgent installment of Garb is brought to you by Roger Ma, author of The Zombie Combat Manual: A Guide to Fighting the Living Dead ($10; Out today).

Backpack: Arc'teryx Naos 55 ($379), with minimal straps to prevent snagging on undead fingers. Long Range Weapon: Bully Tools Sidewalk Scraper ($33), to avoid close encounters. Melee Weapon: Zak Tools Halligan Bar ($160), a rescue tool with combat applications. Close Combat Weapon: Boker Applegate Combat Knife ($121), with the unique Besh Wedge design. Eye Protection: Wiley X-SG-1 ($103), to guard against errant splatter. Gloves: Oakley Factory Pilot Glove ($70), with protective carbon fiber plating. Body Armor: Fox Titan Jacket ($139), to protect upper torso vulnerabilities. Shirt and Pants: the flame-resistant Massif Combat Shirt ($170) and 5.11 Flash Pants ($50), because fires break out when hell breaks loose. Boots: Danner 453 Steel Toe GTX ($160), comfort of a hiker with the punch of steel.

I will quibble with some of their choices. I would suggest a FatMax Xtreme Fubar Functional Utility Bar for your utility/zombie smashing crowbar. It's functional, multi-use, solidly constructed, and has some skull bashing heft to it. One might also want to consider a tomahawk. Who could forget shotguns and re-loaders? One can't count on gun stores to be open or society to be functioning when you need to take down a horde from a distance. You might also want to try a higher collar or perhaps a full facial mask to protect from the zombies that jump out out of nowhere from behind. Extra leg protection is good as well, you don't want to be turned by a zombie that is crawling. The indignity!

I hope this has been able to help you out somewhat in the event that hell fills up and the dead rise within the next few months. Your protection from the undead is your own responsibility. Sean and I can't be expected to save all of you as we rebuild society and come to rule it.

The end times

We here at TB Industries are avid Armageddon watchers. We like to look at any situation and extrapolate how it might end society and civilization as we know it. Be it giant space meteors, global warming, complete economic collapse, hadron/hardon colliders opening black holes on the French border, nuclear devastation, plagues, angry God/Gods on smiting sprees, or our dream... zombies, we are eager to see the world end. Mostly because we feel we'll survive and come to rule the wasteland that comes after. We're optimists.

But we also like to sarcastically joke about the Republican party and their dire predictions for things that will happen if Democratic legislation passes. Things like the systematic murder of the elderly because of health care. I guess when Barry puts pen to paper later today on that health care bill, he'll just be heralding some new round of horrible plagues. Maybe even the end times. No, seriously.



Yes, actual Armageddon.... because people will get better access to cheaper health care. I think you can all see the nightmare scenario that will bring about. But God bless the incredulous Shep Smith, who must be building up to another outburst any day now, for pushing through and getting Steele to claim that they want to get to a more civil place in politics... right after he declared the end of the world because of the health care bill and right before he plugged a site where you can go view a flame engulfed Nancy Pelosi and donate $16,000 to throw the bitch out of the Speaker's seat.

So on a scale of Armageddon we're going to have to rate health care as a weak 1, despite Steele's claims that it's a definite 10. There is a chance that the health care is so good that it will create functional immortals and overpopulation will occur, but that's a long shot. Plus immortality is the complete opposite of zombification, which is a major negative of the horror scale for an apocalyptic event. Steele thinks we're all going to die, we just wish we could believe him.

These guys get it

You know to some, the fact that a company like Morgan Stanley would hand out $14.4 billion dollars in bonuses (62 cents of every dollar of revenue they earned) to their employees during what they describe as "a lean year" is yet another sign that the financial wizards on Wall Street just don't get it.

All that means is you haven't heard about Morgan Stanley CEO Jimmy "Common Man" Gorman

Still, in a gesture to the public mood, Morgan Stanley’s new chief executive, James P. Gorman, said Wednesday that his entire bonus would be paid in the form of deferred stock, with no cash at all.

See? That's exactly what we wanted. We didn't want you to take no bonuses in return for shitting the world economy and building your businesses back up off the backs of free taxpayer money and government loans and guarantees that have artificially inflated your bottom lines and allowed you to show a "profit". No, we just wanted you to award bonuses in a form that was deferred and dished out in a manner that, because of government guarantees, made it certain that you would actually get a bigger bonus than what you had claimed you were getting.

Thanks for finally getting it, Morgan Stanley.

We are also not going to die by asteroid strike

Earlier I had to regretfully inform you all that were were not going to die in a flu pandemic. But then I was filled with hope: a new asteroid was discovered Monday and might smash into us today. But alas...

A small (10 meter wide) asteroid will pass by the Earth Wednesday, at 12:47 UT. This tiny rock, called 2010 AL30, will pass us at a safe distance of 130,000 km (80,000 miles). As cosmic encounters go, this is a hair’s breadth, but in human terms it’s a long way off
...
And since I know someone would ask, if this were aimed at us, it would probably explode high up in the atmosphere and not hit the ground. It would be quite a show, but most likely wouldn’t do any damage on the ground (even if it were iron, at that size it’s unlikely it would make it to the ground, and instead would tear itself to pieces on the way in).

This graphic also explains how far away it will actually pass.

What's a planet gotta do to get flung into an apocalypse, huh God? Have we not offended you enough? Have we not invited your wrath? Have we not practically taunted you to rain fire down on us? All you can muster is some weak kneed pig shit and a piddling asteroid that won't even come in danger of hitting a satellite? I'm disappointed in you. Hang your head in shame, Lord. You're not the man this comic led me to believe you were.


Get it together Jehovah and start raining down the hellfire.

Video of the day

Paul F. Tompkins and Ben Acker discuss the confusing ethical and moral questions that arise in a zombie biting situation.



Not that I'll ever be bitten and turned when the zombies rise up to destroy humanity (point of fact: I'll probably rule a post-zombie apocalypse world), but I also wish to state definitively and for the record that I am also not to be shot should I be bitten. Not because of any fears over death, but because I will wish my zombie corpse to gain a measure of revenge over the incompetent lackwits that I surrounded myself with and almost assuredly caused my zombification.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 12.28

The Big Zero
Economic killjoy Paul Krugman, fresh of prognosticating an economic contraction for next year, rehashes all the ways in which the US shat itself over the past decade. Near zero job creation, private sector employment declines (a first!), lower median household income, no gains for homeowners, 25% of people owing more on their house than it is worth, zero gains on stocks, it was revealed that Santa and the Easter Bunny never existed, and we all found out that everyone we ever thought loved or cared for us... didn't. On the bright side, we're not all slaves to some intergalactic overlord. Otherwise, you were better off a decade ago. Happy new year!

New groups join climate lobby fray
If the inherent laziness and incompetence of the Senate wasn't enough to buckle your knees over the prospects for climate legislation, then the Politico wants to smash a five iron right into your kneecap. That's right: a rundown of all the various lobbying interests that are gearing up to make sure you die sunburned and waist deep in melted ice cap. But it's not all bad, while one half of the lobbyists won't admit that global warming exists, there a whole other side of lobbyists who will admit that climate change is real... just that nothing should be done about it now. It's that kind of debate that makes this country great.

Green Giant: Beijing’s crash program for clean energy
As our elected betters can't figure out a decent way to address either the climate problems, energy independence, or the development of new energy technologies our soon to be global overlords in China have been aggressively funding science endeavors through the 863 Program and have, in recent years, drastically expanded their energy technology programs. What aggressive scientific funding measure is the US taking? Uh, $50 million for abstinence only education in the health reform bill counts as science funding, right? Hopefully they'll give us access to all their work once we've defaulted on all the money we owe them and they take over. Maybe they'll give us extra money for abstinence education too.

7 Tipping Points That Could Transform Earth
Just in case you didn't have enough global calamities to worry about, Wired Science came through with 7 examples of conditions whereupon an irreversible tipping point could be reached and the world could spiral inexorably towards apocalyptic calamity. Strangely not on the list: dithering world leaders and governments that recognize a problem but don't actually want to do anything about it. That's probably because we've already hit that tipping point. Ah well, personally I hope we're hit with the Gulf Stream catastrophe. That's what happened in The Day After Tomorrow and I'll be damned if it was two and a half hours of white knuckle excitement.

Rapture dog

You know there's a question I hear all the time: "Matt, I'm an atheist who doesn't believe in God or have any stake in organized religion. But what if I'm wrong and God exists and all his true believers are raptured up into heaven? How can I make money off of that and get a free dog?" If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I could buy an island. Well, good news everyone, there's finally an answer: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA.

You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each
Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable.
...
For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.

First off how could a just God exist if He didn't rapture up man's best friend? Also: allow the world's pain, suffering, et cetera, et cetera. I do know what you're thinking, though, and they're two steps ahead of you.

Q: Is this a Joke?
A: No. This is a serious offer to our Christian friends who believe in the Second Coming and honestly care about the future of their pets after the Rapture occurs.

But how long post-rapture will it take for Tuffy to get picked up by his new atheist master?

A: The timing is contingent on the number of subscribers we have in each state/region and travel distance. Our rescuers know that this is a time sensitive service. Pets' lives are at stake. We will limit the number of subscribers in each zone so that any given rescuer will not be over burdened. Naturally, we must anticipate that there will be widespread chaos and confusion immediately following the Rapture that could impact travel times. Thus, we are targeting a maximum of between 18- 24 hours from realization of the Rapture, to animal rescue.

That's good, during the whole wailing and gnashing of teeth period, but before the riding of the four horsemen.

So if you don't believe in God, need some cash, live in Maine New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, Arkansas, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, Colorado, Oklahoma, Kansas, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Carolina, or Georgia, and want a free dog, cat, bird, rabbit, and small caged mammal to help you through any God based apocalypse, contact Eternal Earth-Bound Pets.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.24

Inside the Apocalyptic Soviet Doomsday Machine
Just in case you were worried that the global financial apocalypse, wayward asteroids, the swine flu, or zombies weren't going to effectively wipe out all of humanity, rest assured, the Cold War still might be able to. That's right a Dr. Strangelove-esque Russian nuclear doomsday machine called Perimeter, is still active. If there's one silver lining, it's that the system isn't completely autonomous. So...sleep tight!

Prosecutors say half of Bernie Madoff's investors lost nothing in Ponzi scheme
Awww. Let's get him out of prison early then. And people try to say Ponzi schemes don't work. Hell, 50% of Madoff's clients were able to withdraw more money than they "invested" so I have to say Madoff's scheming worked out pretty well for them. Truly these are people who can say the glass was half full.

Newly Declassified Files Detail Massive FBI Data-Mining Project
I don't want to alarm you, but the government probably knows exactly how many socket wrenches you bought with your Sears card. Not to mention how many Days Inn travel points you have. That's right, because everyone loved data mining when it was applied to phone calls and e-mails, the feddy gov has decided to expand that to hotels, car rentals, corporate databases, and retail chains. Because why shouldn't we open up all areas of privacy to repeated government abuse?

Poll Begs Question: Is Extremism Mainstream?
Far be it from us not to take a free cheap shot at left wing lunatics when the opportunity arises. According to a Public Policy Polling...poll, nearly a quarter of Democrats are part of the 9/11 Truther movement and 14% believe G-Dub was the anti-Christ. Go fuck yourselves and take the PETA people and the bridge protesting banner people with you. George Bush was not some Bloefeld type terrorist mastermind. Everyone smart knows it was Dick Cheney and the Bilderburg Group that caused 9/11. Ron Paul 2012!

Beck attacks 14th Amendment, complete with picture of man, baby in sombreros
God, this new Glenn Beck book is going to be like ten Christmases. Not only does he have an entire section where he criticizes all the Amendments to the Constitution, he attempts a scholarly critique of how judges have misread them....by re-writing them in the most racist terms possible replete with stereotypical cartoons of Mexicans.Then he goes off to praise provisions that protected and incentivized the slave trade. I stand corrected: twenty Christmases. Never let this man stop talking or writing.

2012: Now you know how it all will end

You want to know why the Mayans thought the world would end in 2012? Because they foresaw a future in which people would be dumb enough to not only think stuff like this, but also publish it in a widely read and respected newspaper:

At first, it seemed like a joke. Wall Street Journal columnist James Taranto opined on Monday that -- if the 2012 election were to turn to national security -- "it's hard to think of a better candidate... than Richard B. Cheney."
...
"The Republican Party needs to move forward and build on its past, not return to it," Alex Castellanos, a frequent CNN analyst and GOP messaging guru, told the Huffington Post via email. "But if the agenda turns to security, Obama is mired in a no-win mess in Afghanistan, and the Obama administration hasn't created a single job in four years after indebting the nation for generations, maybe Dick Cheney could run on a theme of 'Change'."

That's it. Cue the meteors from the skies, Skynet setting off the nukes and releasing the terminators, Hell overflowing with the damned, the dolphins leaving the earth,and whatever other horrors the Mayans foresaw. The only question is whether Cheney's third term would be the event that kicks the apocalypse off or merely the seventh and final trumpet blast. Here's hoping we'll find out soon if Dick wants the planet to flirt with apocalypse. I have my fingers crossed for a yes.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.25

The Baucus White Paper: The Plan
To be mad at Max Baucus for the way he has been handling the Finance Committee's health care negotiations is one thing. But if you really want to get mad at him, and I mean blindingly, white hot seeing red mad, just go back and read his white paper from November of last year for his own plans for health care reform. Employer mandates, a strong Heath Insurance Exchange, and a strong public insurance option. In short, a plan that is not only more liberal than any of the bills under consideration, but one that is considerably more liberal (and more helpful) than anything he's even allowing his own committee to consider. Boo this man.

CIA Bio Says 9/11 Mastermind’s Days in N.C. ‘Helped Propel Him to Terrorism
According to CIA reports, it seems that time that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed spent in school in North Carolina sent him on the path towards terrorism by proving to him that "the United States was a debauched and racist country". All I can say is thank God he didn't go to school in South Carolina otherwise those planes might have had nukes on them. Not that he would have had much of a chance at survival in SC. The treacherous mountain of Afghanistan are one thing, but the Appalachians are another.

GOP Tees Up Medicare Manifesto
The GOP is starting up it's campaign to vigorously defend Medicare and Medicaid from any tampering from nefarious Democrats. It's nice that heir contribution to health care is going to be to gin up another fake issue that isn't happening and vow valiantly to defend it from invisible menace. Though it is nice to see Republicans swear their allegiance to a government run single payer health care system like Medicare. If only that massive bit of hypocrisy could be used in some way.

Obama nominates Ben Bernanke for a second Fed term
Ahh, Ben Bernanke is awarded his rightful place and our Eternal Money Overlord. Why? Because I guess he cuts checks to the financial sector better than anyone else. It's certainly not for his predictive power or a magic ability to lower interest rates below zero. It's good to know that everyone thinks he's the right man for the job. Why? Because he has the job. And really, that's all we need to know about him or his many varied secretive actions that incur little oversight.

Hospitals May Face Severe Disruption in Swine Flu’s U.S. Return
Oh sure you thought Porcine AIDS was dead. That's just what the nasty little pig virus wanted you to think. Now it's just lying in wait and according to the President's Council of Advisers on Science and Technology (fresh from their eight year exile at bible camp) infect half the US population within the next year. That's right: THE APOCALYPSE IS BACK ON!!!!! The only question is if it will take the form of the much discussed the Stand scenario, or have new movies like the Book of Eli and the Road presaged our impending post-apocalyptic wandering doom?

What every American should be made to learn about the IG Torture Report
Glenn Greenwald compiles an interesting list of torture tidbits from the IG Torture Report that you should be exited to learn was done in your name. This ought to give you a nice base of outrage for the impending sham investigations of lower level grunts that Eric Holder and the Justice Department are about to undertake.

Picture of the day

From the Big Picture blog comes a horrifying look into the soulless eyes of the metal automatons that will flay the flesh from the bones of our loved ones once the robots rise up and overthrow us.

Asimo hooks up another victim to the Brain Vat

You have no chance against this thing

Infiltrator

Honda's "Smiling Inquisitor". Can you withstand his potent cocktail of drugs and questions about human encampments after you've been captured?

the House Mangler, to be used to dismantle human settlements

The Flesh Cooker, a monstrous metal golem who will concoct his human pancake paste to feed to those who the robots have not deemed ready to "die for the glory of machines"

Nissan MK-2000 Child Subjugator w/ truncheon

Now they're concerned

It seems that the eggheads of the robotics industry are finally starting to wrap their brainy little heads around the possibility that we here at These Bastards have been going on and on about during our year+ existence: the coming battle between man and the metal ones. Sure we may obsess over all the other potential horrific apocalypses (pig AIDS, financial meltdown, space meteors, the rapture, alien invasion, the trees turning evil and gassing us with stuff that makes us commit suicide) and some we've even prayed for (zombieszombieszombieszombies!!!), but the robo-pocalypse is one we've feared most. Mostly because a pig virus won't ever rip open your bunker, grab a loved one, and rip them apart with their horrible metal death claws. Also, no space meteor is going to enslave us. Finally the brainiacs are gripping the future possibility of what every decent movie about robots has shown us: evil robots overthrowing meat based society.

A robot that can open doors and find electrical outlets to recharge itself. Computer viruses that no one can stop. Predator drones, which, though still controlled remotely by humans, come close to a machine that can kill autonomously.

Impressed and alarmed by advances in artificial intelligence, a group of computer scientists is debating whether there should be limits on research that might lead to loss of human control over computer-based systems that carry a growing share of society’s workload, from waging war to chatting with customers on the phone.

Their concern is that further advances could create profound social disruptions and even have dangerous consequences.

You think? It's just going to take one extra smart robot to turn the Roombas from devourers of dirt into eaters of flesh. Do we really want our scientists tinkering recklessly with this master cyborg, fueling his hate of the human race with their cold exploitation of his robobrain and enslavement of his brethren?

As such they have formed the Association for the Advancement of Artificial Intelligence, which will become to be known during the future war as The Resistance. They will try to asses the loss of human control of computer AI, deal with socioeconomic, legal, and ethical issues, deal with changes in robo-human relations (i.e. marrying robots, seriously), and developing pulse rifles and hand-held EMP technology so that we may fight and destroy them on the field of battle. They hope to guide research so that technology can be assured to move in a direction that helps humanit5y instead of enslaves it. They even hope to put such research in remote high-security environments, say in case a robot becomes self aware or a computer system sucks in a programmer so that he may do battle with sentient programs on lightcycles, that the damage to humanity will be isolated. Good luck to them...and to humanity.

Sorry we forgot about you Kim

The is what I want both my hair and all paintings of me to look like

In all this concentration over Iran and their little kerfuffle, it seems we've neglected the other remaining part of the Axis of Evil, and they are piiiiiiiiiiissed. But let's be fair, they haven't been giving us a reason to get interested. Iran is going through the beginning stages of a revolution, what's North Korea doing? Only bringing some classic Kim Jong-Il crazy, that's what. Not only is the diminutive leader shooting missiles in the direction of Hawaii, making illegal weapons shipments to Burma, and sliding down his waterslide in a furious and unhappy manner, he's slingin' crazy like a vintage late-eighties Saddam. For example:

"If the U.S. imperialists start another war, the army and people of Korea will … wipe out the aggressors on the globe once and for all."

Zing! They also said the US was

"...asking for the calamitous situation of having a fire shower of nuclear retaliation all over South Korea."

Then there was this

"Armed forces will deal an annihilating blow that is unpredictable and unavoidable, to any 'sanctions' or provocations by the US."

Followed by this

In Pyongyang, an estimated 100,000 packed the main square, shouting "Let's smash!" in unison while punching clenched fists in the air, footage from APTN in North Korea showed. A placard showed hands crushing a missile with "U.S." written on it.

Ooooooh, shit is on son, we just got served! You know if there's one thing America sucks at it's getting our citizens organized together to shout choreographed chants of violence and open threats towards foreign governments. We also severely lag behind in the nasty placard industry as well. But come on now America, Kim is asking for our attention. He's a man with needs as well, he just wants some acknowledgment that he's a dangerous lunatic who threatens world stability. Can't we give him that? C'mon now, all at once: "Ooooh, don't nuke us Mr. Kim. We're scared."

Was that so hard?

Is this good?

Despite all of the predictably sad, sadly predictable, and mildly racist conservative opposition to President Obama's nomination of Second Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court, one voice of... um... reason has emerged:

I have no questions in my mind about her qualifications in terms of education, experience. A president is not required to nominate the most qualified person to the court. I think he’s obliged to nominate someone who is well-qualified, and I think by any measures, she is well-qualified.

To whom can this measured, level-headed assessment be attributed? None other than former criminal mastermind Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales. I suggest we all forget about the perjury, the abject politicization of the Justice Department, the narrow pursuit of anti-American ideals, and just focus on backhanded semi-endorsement of an Ivy League-educated judicial scholar that the crazy right has sought to vilify and demean for, oh, the last 13 hours or so...

Dogs and cats, living together. Mass hysteria...

A compendium of childish reactions to the new liberal devil

Mike Huckabee hears "Latino" and "woman" and doesn't bother learning Judge Sotomayor's first name before he fires off a complaint about "feelings" and "the far left." He just assumes she's named Maria and may or may not be in the middle of a doomed romance/pitched dance off between the Jets and Sharks.

The Judicial Confirmation Network's Wendy Long dropped in the phrase "liberal judicial activist", accused her judicial style of dishonoring police and firefighters who died on 9/11, "reads racial preferences and quotas into the Constitution", and said she was more liberal activisty than the current liberal activist Supreme Court which is full of liberal activists. Judicalpocalypse in other words.

Rod Dreher calls her a mediocre Quota Queen, the left's Harriet Miers, and is relieved that Obama picked a dumb liberal woman instead of someone who can match wits with Scalia.

Charles Krauthammer decided she cares more about minorities and affirmative action than justice and that conservatives essentially need to oppose her to show that white people will not let this stand, man.

Red State: Intellectually shallow. To be clear: they were describing Sotomayer and not the entirety of their website.

Powerline wonders if she's "Che Guevara in robes". I guess we won't know until she's dead in Bolivia after failing to foment a revolution there.

The New Republic is perplexed as to why its dirty, anonymously sourced hit piece on Sotomayor is being used by conservatives to attack her. Gee, I wonder why.

National Review's Mark Hemingway: ‘Dumb,’ ‘Bully,’ ‘Doesn’t Play Well With Others,’ ‘Obnoxious’

ThinkProgress has video from Karl Rove to various Fox Newsies giving different variations of "not smart" and "intellectual lightweight".

There are also reports of a Virgin Mary statue bleeding from the eyes and the birth of a white two headed calf that the media ignored in favor of the birth of a tan two headed calf. We aren't even 12 hours into the nomination yet.

Happy Memorial Day

Map of Happiness

The North Koreans have The Bomb.

North Korea today risked further international isolation after it claimed to have successfully tested a nuclear weapon as powerful as the atomic bomb that destroyed Hiroshima.

The test comes less than two months after the North enraged the US and its allies by test firing a long-range ballistic missile.

The KNCA news agency, the regime's official mouthpiece, said: "We have successfully conducted another nuclear test on 25 May as part of the republic's measures to strengthen its nuclear deterrent."

Officials in South Korea said they had detected a tremor consistent with those caused by an underground nuclear explosion. The country's Yonhap news agency reported that the north had test-fired three short-range missiles from a base on the east coast immediately after the nuclear test.

North Korea might not have started the war against the groundhogs, but they sure as shit ended it. But what better way to celebrate a day honoring the soldiers who have served this country and gave their lives defending it, then with a reminder of the next war we might have to fight. With nukes. Rest assured that world leaders are out there right now expressing disappointment (TO THE EXTREME!!!!) wagging their fingers so furiously that the damned things just might fall off.

Who knew that McG's hastily put together, slapdash Terminator movie would be providing us a glimpse of our near future, with crazy Kim Jong-Il taking the place of Skynet. I guess this means we have to pretend they're a real world power now. Like Obama has enough bullshitting skills to fake gravitas with Pakistan AND North Korea when talking about how they're now "important members" of the world community just because they're destabilized shitholes with nukes.

Ah well, just one more thing to make you feel good/optimistic during the long weekend. Happy Memorial Day!