All better now

You may have heard that the Gulf oil spill was an awful environmental disaster, an ecological nightmare, the equivalent of two Exxon Valdezes a week, is 10 times worse than the original 5 time worse than estimate of the original catastrophic spill estimate, is worse than even pessimistic government estimates, and entered the Gulf Loop current and was threatening reefs and the Florida Keys.

But that was before BP CEO Tony Hayward said the spill was "relatively tiny" compared to the "very big ocean" and that they had finally got some kind of partial stopgap measure on the leak to stop it from dumping all that oil into the water. So... all better now. Which is why our elected betters can finally start dealing with the important matters: like making sure the oil industry doesn't have to pay for cleaning up all that oil they spilled.

Even in a Washington as dominated by corporate money as today's, it's not often that you see a lawmaker side with financial backers over the public interest as brazenly as Alaska's senior senator did yesterday.

In the wake of last month's catastrophic Gulf Coast oil spill, Sen. Lisa Murkowski blocked a bill that would have raised the maximum liability for oil companies after a spill from a paltry $75 million to $10 billion. The Republican lawmaker said the bill, introduced by Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ), would have unfairly hurt smaller oil companies by raising the costs of oil production. The legislation is "not where we need to be right now" she said.

Murkowski's move came just hours after Washington's top oil lobby, the American Petroleum Institute (API) expressed vociferous opposition to raising the cap.

Ah yes, the old "It'll hurt small business" gambit. I think every law that had to do with any kind of business anywhere in the last hundred years has been attacked as "hurting small business." What a coincidence.

Thankfully Murkowski was there to tell us that this wasn't the time to be talking about an issue like raising liability caps on offshore drilling. No, we need not discuss liability for giant offshore drilling accidents right in the middle of a giant offshore drilling accident. That just doesn't make sense.

So, dear readers, in case you were wondering if there was a limit to which fat stacks of corporate cash and subservience to your corporate masters could ever be overridden by common sense, large scale disasters, or a basic sense of shame; no there isn't. Not even during the height of a crisis, knowing that media attention will be on you. Can you blame her? How else is she going to earn that high paying lobbying job for the API two seconds after she retires? Not by employing any shred of integrity during a Senate career, that's for sure.

Stay classy, Alaska

It's natural for states to advocate for and support the industries and businesses that take up residence within it's borders. It's expected. But sometimes a state will go so far overboard in advocacy that you sometimes wonder if the industry and government have merged into one entity, leaving one only able to just sit back in awe at the shady, corrupt seediness of it all. Such is the case with the free range meth lab, political corruption testing ground, and petro-socialist state that is Alaska.

Not merely content to turn their state over to oil companies in exchange for cash, the Alaskan state legislature feels the need to turn their government into a functioning public relations arm for big oil and the lucrative "Fuck polar bears" industry.

Seeking to protect the oil industry, the Alaska state legislature has appropriated $1.5 million to fund an astroturf campaign to weaken the Endangered Species Act and put on a conference questioning the listing of polar bears as a threatened species.

Over the objections of some members who warned of "PR damage" to the state, a group of lawmakers late last week decided to move ahead with reviewing bids from public relations firms for the polar bear contract, the Anchorage Daily Newsreported.
...
The primary purposes of the conference will be to challenge the listing of polar bears and to determine the best ways to lessen the impacts of the Endangered Species Act for the oil and gas industries.

To do that, a Harris aide told the Anchorage Daily News, the PR firm will "initiate a grass-roots movement" to go to Congress and demand reforms to the law.

Hmm, a grass-roots movement to pretend polar bears are thriving, weaken the Endangered Species Act, and advocate for more oil and gas development of Alaska. You know, I think if there were any true grassroots support for any of those three ideas, they would have shown up by now. But nowadays, the only thing better than actual grassroots support is fake grassroots support. I don't know, maybe I underestimate this country's hatred for white bears.

In the "every cloud..." department, it seems that Rudy Giuliani's firm might win the bid to get the contract. I'm not sure how this meshes with his goal to suck every available nickel out of 9/11 for himself, but I'm sure Rudy will be on Fox News to tell us real soon.

Anyway, I would just like to congratulate Alaska for wasting $1.5 million of the state's money to shill for bad science, gutting environmental protections, and your corporate masters. I'd say you were wasting the taxpayers' money, but your entire budget is essentially oil kickbacks. So you're probably doing exactly what the oil companies would have done anyway with the money. Well done then. Expert governance. Fuck those bears.

...and we're back

And we're back, after a little extended hiatus. What happened? The story of the day became about the federal budget and I went into complete catatonic shock due to boredom. Also, I may have had spotty/nonexistent internet coverage over the past few days and Sean may or may not be dead of some new, ultra-virulent super plague. But good news: people stopped pretending to care about the budget, the internets are working, and, after a tasteful funeral, a search to find a new Sean (to also be named Sean, so I don't have to change the site any) will be held.

Here, watch this video about terrorist Alaskan polar bears, I think it explains pretty much everything.

Get out your crayons

Sarah Palin is out there flogging her new book, Going Rogue, reminding us all just how incredibly petty and quick to blame others she is, driving Andrew Sullivan insane, and showing us how she'll pretty much just lie about anything no matter how small. It's something we're all going to have to endure for the next week or two....or 104.

Now of course a bound collection of paper with words and sentences written on it in ink is probably too much of an intellectual hurdle for most of the Palin '12 crowd. Oh, I know most of them will buy it, not read it, and then take Sarah's word that accurately quoting the book and then attempting to compare her claims to reality is some sort of vicious slander. But, where will they be able to receive Sarah's written message in a venue more suited to their reading "talents"?

Enter Julie Sigwart & Micheal Stinson, authors of Going Rouge: The Sarah Palin Rogue Coloring and Activity Book




It's like listening to her, but with things to color in.

Somehow these two things go together

Sarah Palin...signing a baby.

and

Poll: Palin's support still strong among GOP

Sarah Palin's bombshell that she is resigning as Alaska governor actually has boosted her a bit among Republicans, a nationwide USA TODAY/Gallup Poll finds
...
Republicans by 71%-27% say they'd be likely to vote for her if she ran for president in 2012

Nothing is ever going to get through to them about her....is it?

How about those Sharpie pens though? They really will write on anything.

Diagram it out

If you were as confused as I was by Sarah Palin's hurricane of bad metaphors, similes, explanations, and descriptions during her "Winners quit, losers stick around" resignation speech, then you're in luck. Deadspin has put together a diagram of one of the more confusing metaphors: the basketball one. Yeah, I thought Coach Jesus would employ a better offensive system against a press, but then again I don't know the man as well as "the Barracuda". Also, I'm not sure Olbermann should play so far off McCain, he's old but he can still drain an open J from 20 feet and a former sportscaster should know that.

What the fuck?

Palin to Resign as Governor of Alaska

Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska announced Friday that she would step down by the end of the month and not seek a second term as governor, fueling speculation that she is trying to position herself as a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012.
...
“We know we can effect positive change outside of government,” she said in making the announcement. Her official statement here.

Huh? Is she really just hanging it up for good? There are staffers saying that she isn't done with politics. Mary Matalin and Bill Kristol are out telling new outlets what a brilliant move Palin was making by quitting, which tells you one thing: you shouldn't let Matalin or Kristol advise you on anything. Lord knows I haven't given her much credit and I, as well as most people who have ever seen her, heard her, or really anyone with a functionally cognitive nervous system, found her to be be frighteningly dim. But even I can't believe she's dumb enough to quit midway through her term as Governor after a disastrous VP run and try to use it to springboard to a 2012 run, right? A half a term. Her farewell speech wasn't even competent, it was the barely lucid ramblings of an insane person.

Really? The whole plan is to spend time campaigning and talking about policy? No, she can't have that poor of a political sense. Something must be up. Some horrible news must be about to drop. Let's go to the odds:

1-2 : She is that dumb
4-1 : Has the same Argentinian lover as Mark Sanford
3-1 : Pregnant again...and so are Bristol and Willow
6-1 : David Letterman's constant jokes have broken her mentally
5-1 : Tasked by CIA to undertake secret mission to keep Putin from invading US mainland
10-1 : Thinks she has the chops to run Honduras
8-2 : Needs to devote serious training time to the Iditarod
2-1 : The Universe wanted to get Sean something good for his birthday, but didn't have any old, racist senators left to kill
5-1 : Has finally accepted that deep down, she is completely unqualified for any higher elected office
4-1 : Trying to make Katie Couric feel bad for all those mean spirited "Could you be more specific" gotcha questions during the campaign
3-1 : Alaska is just an awful place to live and she just can't take it anymore

We missed him

Ted Stevens 2014? Former Senator Files For Candidacy

Former U.S. Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska has filed a statement of candidacy for the 2014 election, but an aide cautions against reading too much into the move.

Campaign treasurer Tim McKeever says the filing does not mean Stevens has decided to seek re-election. He says it simply was done to accept donations that came into the campaign after the November election.

Stevens lost to Democrat Mark Begich days after being convicted of lying on Senate disclosure forms, but the conviction was vacated this week because of prosecutorial misconduct.

I guess the man needs new vinyl siding on one of his houses and figures he won't get that shit for free if there's no possibility of him ever being in power again. For those of you at home, in 2014 Teddy will turn 91 and by turn 97 by the end of that term in 2020. He's an optimist to the last. The time out of office has humbled Ted and he's vowed to really hunker down and dedicate himself to getting some really nice stuff from the business leaders of Alaska. No more penny ante, free porch bullshit, only fine art and sacks with $ signs will be accepted. Thankfully all this lag time until the next election gives Ted a chance to collect enough souls of impressionable young children to provide a proper sacrifice to Ra, so that he may rule Alaska for another thousand years.

Who is to thank for all of this? The brilliant Bush Justice Department, who could only seemingly convict Tommy Chong competently and failed at pretty much everything else. Way to get Stevens freed on a technicality after he got caught red handed lying about the massive kickbacks and freebies he got during his reign as Alaska's grifter king. Fucked up another layup, kids. Did any of you actually do anything over those eight years other than bust up a mail order bong business and provide shoddy, legally bankrupt justifications for torture and wiretapping? Thanks.

Quick, unconvict Ted Stevens and re-elect him

Most of us here at These Bastards rejoiced, mocked, piled on, and laughed our asses off over the fact that Ted Stevens got his ass convicted and voted out of office. But we forgot about all the people who that would hurt, those who would be unduly affected by Tubes absence from the Senate. Of course by that I mean crooked lobbyists.

Until recently, there were few better ways to start a lobbying career than by leaving the office of Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska.

With 40 years of seniority on important Senate committees, Mr. Stevens, a Republican, wielded unrivaled power over industries like fishing, forestry, communications, aviation and the military, steering billions each year to pet Alaskan projects like Eskimo whaling, missile defense and even salmon-based dog treats called Yummy Chummies.

His power made his good will a valuable commodity on K Street, where many lobbying firms are located. During the past five years, just nine lobbyists and firms known primarily for their ties to Mr. Stevens reported over $60 million in lobbyist fees, not including other income for less direct “consulting.” The most recent person to leave his staff to become a lobbyist reported fees of more than $800,000 in just the last 18 months.

So when Alaskan voters narrowly rejected Mr. Stevens’s bid for re-election last month, just days after a jury convicted him of federal ethics violations, it was in some ways like the closing of the plant in a company town.

Ahh yes, the old bullshit factory got closed down. Whither the crooked lobbyists and their bagman Senator? Listening to all these lobbyists piss and moan that they'll no longer have a Senate seat bought and paid for and have a crooked vessel to pass their legislation makes it hard to believe that it took this long to get Ted Stevens convicted. Read it and marvel at the way he strong armed groups into hiring staffers fro high paid high ranking positions, how he'd practically vote for anything as long as there was some kickback to Alaska, and how his former staffers would rake in 6 to 7 figure fees solely for lobbying their old boss. It really is a marvel.

Now it's all up and gone, vanished like dust in the wind. Even if Begich is a total crook it'll take him years to get up to the level of Uncle Ted. According to lobbyists, Alaska will rue the day they voted out Teddy, because now they aren't going to benefit from all the bridges, land deals, and salmon dog treat companies he bequeathed upon them. That'll teach them to have a modicum of a conscience about massive public corruption.

Happy birthday Ted!

Begich defeats Stevens in Senate race

Mark Begich has defeated Sen. Ted Stevens in the election for U.S. Senate.

The Democratic Anchorage mayor widened his lead to 3,724 votes in today's counting of absentee and questioned ballots. The only votes left to count are approximately 2,500 special absentees from people living outside the U.S. or in remote parts of Alaska with no polling place.

The state will count those final ballots on Nov. 25.

Begich issued a statement just before 5 p.m. claiming victory, saying "I am humbled and honored to serve Alaska in the United States Senate."

That's right, Ted "Tubes" Stevens just got defeated. The man had been Alaska's senator practically since it became a state and before that he represented Alaska in Russia's Duma. Now he's free to run for the prison council seat representing E block.

As an added nut shot, today was Ted's 85th birthday. Awwwww. Everyone send Ted a bar of soap large enough to be whittled into a gun and blacked up with shoe polish so he can escape from the Supermax with his Irish Spring scented firearm. Ted can ask for a recount, but it's at the margins where he'd have to pay for it himself. Pity being that all his friends with money are in jail for bribery and kickbacks, so he'll have to dig deep if he really wants it.

Watch out for La Nuestra Familia and the Nazi Lowriders in the showers, Ted. They don't fuck around.

Alaska update: Hulk gets more smashed

Once the sun rises in Alaska and they hook the old women ballot counters up to car batteries, Ted Stevens will find himself down 814 votes and rising. The remaining ballots are from Begich-friendly districts and it's starting to smell like this race is all but over.

While no self-respecting political blog is ready to call it, I'm happy to offer, for your pleasure, this Ted Stevens Memorial Link.

Three. It's the magic number

Alaska finally got around to counting some of those votes today. It's a complicated process. An elderly lady has to climb to the top of an extremely tall ladder to reach the top shelf where all the votes are stored and is allowed to bring down one vote to be counted. It is repeated until all the votes are counted or the old woman dies of exhaustion, in which event she is replaced by another old woman. They counted about 40,000 votes, went through 4 old women, and with another 12,000 votes to go the current tally stands at...

Stevens (R) 125,016
Begich (D) 125,019

That's right, Begich is beating the Hulkster by three votes.

MN/AK Update

Most uncounted ballots will be tallied Wednesday

Look for the needle to move on Alaska's landmark U.S. Senate race and other tight contests this week, with the Division of Elections planning to tally more than half of the uncounted ballots Wednesday.

For days, the count has been frozen. Sen. Ted Stevens leads Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich by about 3,000 votes with roughly 30 percent of the ballots remaining to be counted, including:

• 61,000 absentee votes.

• More than 20,000 questioned ballots.

• 9,500 early votes.

If Begich wins 52% of these votes, Grifter Ted is shown the door.

Franken now just 206 votes behind

Six days after the election, unofficial results showed Republican Sen. Norm Coleman leading Democratic challenger Al Franken by 206 votes, a difference of about 1/100th of 1 percent that sets the stage for the automatic hand recount that will begin next week.

Monday was the deadline for counties to certify their results. Depending on the unknown number that may not have yet reported them to the state, that 206 figure could still change before the state Canvassing Board meets next week to certify the official total. Only then will the recount begin.

Coleman is wetting himself and the recount isn't even started, suing over 32 votes being allowed and losing. He doesn't seem confident the in the voters. Now's not too late to concede and put this painful/expensive recount behind you and stop hurting the state with correct tallying of votes, Al.

America's punching bag?

Nate Silver takes his best guess at why, after being convicted on seven felony counts last week, Alaska Senator Ted "HULKSMASHTUBES" Stevens is leading Democrat Mark Begich in their Senate race. This is especially interesting because it asploded all of 538's projections, which were dead-on in virtually every other race:

There are three plausible explanations I can think of to explain this discrepancy. The first and most likely is that the Democratic vote became complacent and did not bother to turn out. The outcome of the presidential contest was not going to be close in Alaska, and Barack Obama's victory in the Electoral College was apparent as of about 4 PM local time. Begich supporters, moreover, may have looked at the polls and concluded that their candidate was far enough ahead that they didn't have to bother to vote.

In other words, while many of you were initially inclined to look at this race and mock your backwoods brethren for endorsing a convicted felon, perhaps those self-righteous fingers are better pointed at Anchorage liberals who figured, "No way this state is going for Obama and Begich has to have it in the bag, right? Right?"

Right.