Today in Jeebus

You know that feeling you get when you're in church? You know, that extra religious and spiritual feeling that causes you to think that some armed psychopath will bust through the stained glass window with an uzi halfway through the sermon and that you'll be unable to defend the congregation because OOH WON'T THE GOVERNMENT GET OFF THE WORKING MAN'S BACK AND ALLOW GUNS IN THE CHURCHES!!!!

Well Booby Jindal and the state of Louisiana have heard your prayers.

Gov. Bobby Jindal has signed into law one of the more controversial bills from the recent legislative session, one allowing guns to be carried into houses of worship.

Now if you think the homily is so good you could bust a cap, you can.

Unfortunately the man still doesn't want to allow rifles and assault weapons into church, to say nothing of bayonets. Still, if you go to a decent enough church you'll still be able to bring your army issue M-16 with bayonet to the obstacle course out back, where you'll be able to run through the rope course, crawl under barbed wire while Sister Agnes fires live rounds over your head, then you crawl through the stream, run through the tire obstacles, and finish by bayoneting a sandbag representation of the devil or Martin Luther.

As Jesus said in the Book of Armaments, "Fucking Christ, does that guy have a knife? No? I could have swore that he did. Look, I'm not feeling safe up here. Thomas, Philip, one of the James', bring a big fuck off spear next time. You know, to scare the riff-raff into silence during the beatitudes and keep the freaks from touching me. So sayeth the Lord."

But if you already have your fill of violence and Jesus, may I interest you in sex and Jesus? No no, you have Playboy Portugal to thank.

It's how I always pictured the Lord would look... cavorting with nude models in a magazine spread. Most times this would be relatively blasphemous and offensive, but this marks the least offensive sexual thing Jesus and the Church have been involved in over the past decade. Plus it makes His whole operation seem so less child molesty and rife with closeted gays and guys who prostitute out the Vatican choir. This is a tremendous step up for Christianity.

Guns for terrorists

With the recent Times Square bombing plot foiled and capture of the alleged perpetrator, we are again bombarded with suggestions from our political betters on what to do with such haters of freedom.

They want the terrorists interrogated to the exacting dramatical standards of our top terrorism related TV shows. Gitmo! Under no circumstances are they to be Mirandized or afforded any sort of minor legal protections... even if it helps out intelligence gathering and legal efforts. If they are in fact American citizens, just strip them of that citizenship so we can torture and imprison them easier. Double Gitmo! Smoke them for hours over mesquite chips, thinly slice them, pile them up on rye bread with brown mustard, and eat them... for liberty's sake. It doesn't matter, just make sure these people aren't afforded any discernible legal protection or allow them to be within shouting distance of anything that could be called a Constitutional right.

Well, unless....

New York City Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg's appeal to what he called "common sense" at a congressional hearing Wednesday morning failed to sway two Republican senators who said that giving the government the ability to block the purchase of guns by suspected terrorists would undermine the Second Amendment's right to bear arms.
...
Admitting that "at first blush" the bill "seems to be an obvious step that we should take," Collins said that many people on the FBI's watchlist don't belong there. "None of us wants a terrorist to be able to purchase a gun, but neither should we want to infringe upon a Constitutional right of law-abiding Americans," she said.

Graham described the bill as an instrument of those who would ban guns altogether. "We're talking about a constitutional right here," he said, explaining that he could not support a bill that would force "innocent Americans" to "pay the cost of going to court to get their gun rights back."

Graham wasn't nearly as concerned about rights when he launched into a disquisition on the treatment of American citizens accused of terrorism. "I am all into national security," he said. "I want them to stop reading these guys Miranda rights."

That's right, these terrorists are dangerous, America hating monsters and they should be treated as if they have no legal rights... but it'll be a cold, cold day in hell before you're allowed to infringe on a terrorist's right to by a gun in America. I mean you can sit back all day and listen to GOP lawmakers tell you all the ways in which terrorist suspects aren't really people and aren't covered by any facet of US law, international law, or the Constitution... except when it comes to the Second Amendment. No, the Second clearly has a specific clause about infringing the rights of terrorists.

So remember, no matter how much Mirandizing suspects and treating them as if they had legal rights helps us gain information, it is a practice we should stop. But if say there were a way to stop terrorist suspects from buying guns or at least identify that they were purchasing guns, like say... in March... in Connecticut... a month before they were to attempt to bomb Times Square... we should under no circumstances try to stop it. Because of the Constitutional protections that don't seem to apply when dealing with any other aspect of terrorists rights.

In case you wanted to know how completely owned our elected betters were by the gun lobby... that's how completely owned. They won't even oppose taking guns away from terrorists inside our country. Stay safe!

Slap iron with the Lord

What's been our biggest fear ever since Obama was elected. Besides him stealing the white man's shit to give it to black people. Besides socialism. Besides him flaunting his Kenyan birth. Besides him letting Joe Biden use adult scissors.

That's right, Obama's jackbooted thugs kicking open the door to a church, dragging Jesus out in handcuffs, and tossing him in a jail cell to rot. Well, no more. You hear me Obama! NO MORE! Jesus will be protected!

Louisiana state Rep. Henry Burns (R) has introduced a bill in the Louisiana House that would allow churches to institute a "security plan" enabling congregants with concealed weapons permits to carry guns into churches and temples.

According to a Burns spokesperson, "we buy fire extinguishers in case there's a fire," and allowing churchgoers to carry concealed is just the "final stage of security" for places of worship.

House Bill 68 would allow a church or temple to authorize an unlimited number of congregation members to bring their guns into church, according to the individual church's own guidelines.

Glad to see there's not some pressing matter lapping at Louisiana's shores. Good to see that the elected betters of the state are able to move forward with this priority.

Let's just add church to the list of places where people feel that they are in danger of having someone goad them into an actual dick measuring contest and they feel the need to flash iron to avert a certain loss. That makes it Obama speeches, tea parties, bars and restaurants that serve alcohol, national parks, trains, schools, colleges, and... anywhere... without a permit to the myriad of news places where guns are viewed as needed. Why yes, that last example was from Arizona. Thanks for asking.

So now you concerns of "What if I'm reading Paul's letters to the Thessalonians and Gungans... and a pitched, John Woo style gun battle breaks out? Will the man finally let me legally whip out a glock and fire back?" have finally been addressed. Though only in Louisiana. Everywhere else the Lord is still in danger of taking a hollow point in the cross. We can't allow that to happen. He already used up His one resurrection.

Still, stay vigilant. I hear there's a plot that involves a man of Middle Eastern heritage showing up in flowing white robes and telling the faithful of how the end is nigh. That's when you're going to have to pull out the guns and tell him NOT ON OUR WATCH! Then it'll be safe for the blonde-haired, blue-eyed Jesus to safely come take us all up to Heaven.

He's gonna take our guns!

Gun rights advocates are always in a state of perpetual fear. You would think the copious amounts of firearms they possess would make them feel safe, but somehow that just isn't the case. No, everyone, everywhere, at all times is looking to take their guns, so they must be ever vigilant to make sure that they ram through all sorts of new laws so that there is nowhere where they can't wield or purchase a loaded firearm with minimum background checks or public safety protocols.

When Republicans are in power it's the UN that's going to come in and confiscate everyone's guns in the name of the new world order. When Democrats are in power it's the liberal menace taking guns as a first step to a socialist/fascist overthrow of the American way of life and oh, by the way, didjaknowthat'showHitlerstartedhistakeoverI'mjustsaying. Well now they gun lobby is totally sure that Obama is just mere seconds away from stealing everyone's gun in the name of Karl Marx and steps must be taken to loosen our ultra-loose gun laws in order to prevent that aggression from standing, man. Gun ownership ain't a privilege, it's a right!

When President Obama took office, gun rights advocates sounded the alarm, warning that he intended to strip them of their arms and ammunition.

And yet the opposite is happening. Mr. Obama has been largely silent on the issue while states are engaged in a new and largely successful push for expanded gun rights, even passing measures that have been rejected in the past.
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“The watchword for gun owners is stay ready,” said Wayne LaPierre, chief executive of the National Rifle Association. “We have had some successes, but we know that the first chance Obama gets, he will pounce on us.”

In Virginia you can now carry a concealed weapon into bars and restaurants that serve alcohol, while they repealed the state's "one gun a month" purchase law and rejected a law that called for background checks for purchases at gun shows.... and this is after the Virginia Tech shootings. Arizona and Wyoming are considering letting people carry concealed firearms without a permit. Montana and Tennessee passed laws that got the damn gubbmint and their federal laws out of regulatin' their in-state arms and ammo sales. This in addition to federal laws passed last year that allow people to finally wield loaded guns on trains and in national parks.

And yet the black helicopters on the horizon and the national gun confiscation squads have yet to materialize. Guns are not yet outlawed so outlaws aren't the only ones with guns. Oh, but it's coming, the NRA swears it. So if you don't mind giving them a donation or two or three or dozen, they'll be able to stave off the complete repeal of the second amendment that would happen the second the stop being eternally vigilant and the second Obama thinks no one is watching. You know, even though he doesn't seem eager to pass or sign any new gun laws except ones that broaden the scope of places where you can purchase or carry loaded weapons.

America must never be burdened with the cumbersome load of background checks at gunshows or an inability to buy a Jeep mounted .50 cal machine gun. Be afraid, buy more guns. Before they (which is now plausibly the blacks) take them. The gun ban is coming, it's always coming.

Movies that need to come out already

Matthew Vaughn's Kick-Ass, based on the comic of the same name.

In this scene Nicholas Cage shoots a little girl. Ticket sold.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 01.20

Monsanto's GMO Corn Linked To Organ Failure, Study Reveals
Worried that not enough of your food was either made of corn or sweetened to the point of tooth pain with high fructose corn syrup? Well, what would you say to those things if they were made with genetically modified corn that also caused your liver and kidneys to shut down? You probably wouldn't want to eat them, right? Too late, they're already on the market, having been deemed by Monsanto to be safe after a 90 day study. Ah well, everyone in this country is either going to die of obesity or a recession related alcohol problem. Why not have dangerous mutant corn help speed us on our way into Jesus' loving embrace?

An Epidemic of Fear: How Panicked Parents Skipping Shots Endangers Us All
Since Sean and I are both the proprietors of These Bastards, the web's number one parenting and child rearing blog, we have a duty to speak out to all you moms and dads out there who look to us for advice on vaccinating their child. DO IT!!! What the fuck, are you fucking insane or something? What's wrong with you?! Yes, of course vaccinate your little snot nosed brat. If not for its sake than for the sake of everyone else's child or, more importantly, for my sake. I'm not catching air herpes just because you think Jenny McCarthy is a credible medical source. Scientific studies are showing just how dangerous it is when people don't get vaccinated. You remember science, right? It's what we listen to in the 21st fucking century. Vaccinate your little puke before everyone dies of the mumps or the goddamn ass spewing plague.

U.S. Military Weapons Inscribed With Secret 'Jesus' Bible Codes
Pop quiz. When you've got Mommar al Raghead in the sites of your sweet ass fucking sniper rifle and you're about to plunge a hollow point into his jugular at such force that it'll cause his head to pop off his shoulders like a goddamn NASA space launch, do you prefer your rifle scope is inscribed with a reference to Corinthians 4:6, John 8:12, something from Matthew, or Revelations? Which one do you think personifies the faith you live by while shooting the shit out of America's enemies? Which one would Jesus put on his sniper scope? You don't have to come up with an answer now, I'll let you think it over.

US Military BitTorrent Users Targeted By MPAA/RIAA
Just a word of warning to our soldiers overseas: if you think that just because you're fighting in a warzone you can download the new Vampire Weekend album or the Hurt Locker from a torrent site, well think again motherfucker. The MPAA and RIAA will be on your ass with a lawsuit so fucking fast it'll make you wish the insurgents would stop attacking you long enough for you to deal with this petty, tin eared, shortsighted legal bullshit. If you want to watch a movie, you go to the goddamn Kandahar Blockbuster and you rent in on the level, Mr. Army Guy. Freedom to steal movies isn't one of the freedoms you're fighting for. They MPAA and RIAA will see you in the courtroom, you fucking amoral, shiftless crooks. That'll teach you to serve in a godforsaken desert hellhole.

Help Wanted
Pop quiz 2. If you had to guess the number of Obama Administration appointees still languishing in the Senate confirmation process after one full year because of Republican holds, delays, and filibusters, what would your guess be? Did you guess 177? Because that's what it is. 177 positions, from TSA head to head of the Office of Legal Counsel to the director of the International Bank for Reconstruction and Development to any number of officials that run agencies responsible for security, foreign policy, diplomatic, and defense are unfilled because of petty Senate bullshit. That's over a 100 more unfilled positions than at the end of Dubya's first year. Just in case you needed a reminder: we are governed by adults. I'm sure this situation will improve dramatically now that Republicans have 41 Senators, right Massachusetts?

Quote of the day

Say anything for a buck, corporate owned, no real beliefs of his own, political hack/carpetbagger Harold Ford Jr. has decided that what New York needs is a Democratic Senator that is not only completely embarrassing, is the Democratic equivalent to Sarah Palin, but also tries to out-Lieberman Joe Lieberman. It doesn't sound like a great campaign strategy to me, but what do I know? I'm probably going to have to choose between Arlen Specter or Pat Toomey in November.

In between declaring how he's a real New Yorker because his helicopter once touched down in Staten Island thus technically qualifying him as having visited all five boroughs, flip flopping on gay marriage, opposing health care, backing large salaries for bankers while not understanding capitalism as a principle, and generally making people question what the hell he is doing and what the hell he is thinking, he dropped this little nugget in an almost 'too bizarre to believe it was anything other than a parody' NY Times interview:

Q. Guns. Let’s talk about this issue.

A: I never got an A rating, like my opponent — would-be opponent — has enjoyed. I don’t own them. I do shoot them, and I shoot them at things that can’t shoot back. And will continue to do that. And by that, I want to be clear, I don’t mean children.

Well, thanks for clearing that up. But I think you might want to soften that stance a little bit. It's New York and the kids there definitely do shoot back.

Still, it's a hell of a political slogan.

Ford '10! Let's be clear: I do not shoot children.

Beats the shit out of 'Hope' or 'Change'.

Headline of the day

Top Cartel Kingpin Killed In Shootout With Mexican Navy

This is exactly how I want to die, even down to the exact navy that guns me down in a blaze of glory. I don't even have to be a cartel kingpin, I just want people to talk about my passing in these terms: "Oh you didn't hear about Matt? Yeah, tragic shit. He was shot to death in a firefight with the Mexican navy. They gunned him down, man... in cold blood. ...Fuckin' Mexican navy, they don't fuck around."

All in all, what with the frozen shark drug bust, it's been a banner year for the Armada de México.

Our financial betters gird themselves for the peasant uprising

A class war uprising is coming, according to those who work at Goldman-Sachs. I'd trust them, their balance sheets show they have a fairly good predictive record. Hell, just like most times, they've even manipulated this economic crisis too. And not the good kind of class war either, like when rich people fuck over poor people, no, the bad kind. The poors rising up en masse to overthrow the their social and financial betters just because people in the financial and banking industries may or may not have set all the peasants money on fire, tanked the economy and job markets, gotten reimbursed for their losses off the backs of the proles, and have shown no remorse for doing so.

Well, just fucking try it you blue collar shits. YOU WILL NOT TAKE THE HAMPTONS!! YOU WILL NOT TAKE THE UPPER EAST SIDE!! FREEEEEEDOOOOOOOM!!!

“I just wrote my first reference for a gun permit,” said a friend, who told me of swearing to the good character of a Goldman Sachs Group Inc. banker who applied to the local police for a permit to buy a pistol. The banker had told this friend of mine that senior Goldman people have loaded up on firearms and are now equipped to defend themselves if there is a populist uprising against the bank.

I called Goldman Sachs spokesman Lucas van Praag to ask whether it’s true that Goldman partners feel they need handguns to protect themselves from the angry proletariat. He didn’t call me back. The New York Police Department has told me that “as a preliminary matter” it believes some of the bankers I inquired about do have pistol permits. The NYPD also said it will be a while before it can name names.

Ahh Wall Street, you really don't know us. We all have bigger and better guns, more of them, and we reload our own ammo. Saves on costs. Still, this does perfectly sum up your mindset. Instead of showing an ounce of humility, a shred of remorse, or one nanoparticle of regret, you start arming yourself in anticipation of the class war you know is coming.

Come now, if the poor were really going to rise up and start guillotining the rich, wouldn't we have done it, like, decades ago? Wouldn't it be sort of an annual thing? You know: rich people fuck up economy, poor people take the brunt of it, mass beheadings, lessons learned, things go back to normal, wash, rinse, repeat. Please, no; we're forgiving like that. Plus, with the economy the way it is, none of us can afford a plane ticket to New York. Plus your doormen are really good; it's impossible to get into one of those highrises carrying a high powered rifle.

So no, the unwashed masses won't be kicking it the door of your board meeting, setting fire to your estate, garroting your Yorkiepoo, before finally marching you into the public square to be tarred and feathered. No, we're just going to wait until you finally, completely collapse society. Then we'll eat you as food. Have Tim Geithner bail you out of that.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.02

Kalashnikov Manufacturer Faces Bankruptcy
And it was the preferred weapon of every paramilitary organization, freedom fights, pirate, and child army in existence! It's a surprise to say the least. I guess old man Kalashnikov should have learned the phrase "planned obsolescence" and not made guns that would work forever in any type of poor condition. Ah well, if new one aren't flooding the market this might make the AK's you can buy for $20 in Africa go up in price. How's a child army going to afford that? Will no one think of the children?

Special Health Care for Congress: Lawmakers' Health Care Perks
While our elected betters debate whether to make a small or large leap from the shittiest health care system in the developed world towards the second shittiest, ABC News decides to take a look at the health care they give themselves. In addition to great health insurance they also get access to a medical clinic which also serves as an addition comprehensive health care plan that is good for anything short of major surgery. But the peasants can't be allowed to engage in some form of health care that causes too much undue competition to the industry that rips us off. I try not to hate you with every fiber of my being, government, but you make it too easy.

Dwarves found 'theme park' commune to escape bullying
As a white Christian male in the key 25-54 ad demo, I'm not one who much understands the plights of those who aren't. But if you're a group of dwarves trying to avoid bullying and mockery from the public at large, wouldn't the last thing you do is start up a theme park where those people can pay money to watch you engage in "It's a Small World" performance tropes? I'm just sayin' is all.

A grand unifying theory for Superman
Finally, someone has decided to address the scientific concerns I've always had with superhero superpowers in regards to Newtonian theory. And all the better that it's done by someone affiliated with Ryan North's Dinosaur Comics and done in a serious manner. Now you don't need to read Superman comics and be annoyed by the fact he can fly, now you have a scientifically consistent explanation and the possibility of further study in a journal quality paper. Now if only someone would tackle the seeming genetic impossibilities present in the X-Men.

George Will Believes The Hottest Decade In History Shows An ‘Absence Of Significant Warming’
The Wonk Room decides to take on George Will's seeming propensity to look at hard facts, measurements, and statistics about global warming, then lie about them. As well as the fact that the Washington Post doesn't seem to care that he does it time and time again. I guess if you let Charles Krauthammer, David Broder, Richard Cohen, Robert Kagan, and Bill Kristol spew bullshit ranging from vapid to dishonest to actively damaging the country all over your column pages, one more guy doesn't really make a difference.

Art of the day

via the Jailbreak comes this look at artist Walt Creel's series Deweaponizing the Gun, in which he shoots metal hundreds/thousands of times with a gun to create portraits of animals and subvert the gun's use as a tool of destruction.

I don't know what the big deal is, I've been shooting a smiley face into my victims for years and they don't call me an artist. Hell, you should see Sean's hobo etchings and homeless carvings.

Picture of the day

A man trying to make sure that he engages in every possibly stereotype of a Glenn Beck viewer while watching Glenn Beck.

Hey buddy, where's a photo of Obama looking like Hitler and your poorly spelled placard denouncing socialism? You call yourself a fan?

You win again, reality

You know, I had a nice little idea for a Broken in Brief piece. It was called "Man brandishing assault rifle at Presidential speech not sure why everyone thinks he's a lunatic". But then stupid reality has to cut in front of me at the buffet line and walk away with all the stuff I wanted to feast on.

One sight was perhaps a little unnerving to those in charge of making sure everybody remains on their best behavior.

A man, who decided not to give his name, was walking around the pro-health care reform rally at Third and Washington streets, with a pistol on his hip and an AR-15 (a semi-automatic assault weapon) on a strap over his shoulder.

"Because I can do it," he said when asked why he was armed. "In Arizona, I still have some freedoms."

Two police officers were staying very close to the man.

Yes, because the most 'extra free with special freedom eagle sauce on top' way to express your freedom and your anger over the prospect that you might get health care coverage or cheaper health care coverage is......to walk around carrying a rifle at a Presidential speech. But it's not like he was alone, there were a dozen people at this particular speech carrying firearms. There's no possibility that this will ever turn bad. I mean what could possibly go wrong when a bunch of people who believe the President is an illegal Kenyan interloper trying to kill their loved ones with government controlled health care, who are also carrying around guns openly in an attempt to intimidate everyone around them with a differing opinion, get involved with heated political protests outside a Presidential speech?

It is surprising that one side is bringing ideas about how we can get better health care and the other side is bringing conspiracy theories and tactical assault weaponry. But then again "it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy toward people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations." But hey, I'm not expecting a man who regards the possibility of cheap health care the final assault on his freedom to recognize that kind of prescient understanding on the part of Mombasa Barry. Where were these people when actual freedoms were being threatened?

New age of the American militia

It's a good time to be a fringe conspiracy freak with an arsenal. A black President and Democrats in control. Not only can you freak out about "reverse racism" but you can also apocalyptically herald the oncoming crush of communism and the upcoming liberal plot to steal everyone's guns that's always just around the corner. Then there's the unexpected boon of a global economic crisis, an attempt at universal health care, an el Mexicano on the Supreme Court, the President's Muslim-y middle name, and the fact that Obama's father had the nerve to be an immigrant. All in all it's a great time to be completely and utterly paranoid that a race war/civil war/fascist takeover is a month away, tops. That's why it's no surprise that militia membership is on the rise.

Militia groups with gripes against the government are regrouping across the country and could grow rapidly, according to an organization that tracks such trends.

The stress of a poor economy and a liberal administration led by a black president are among the causes for the recent rise, the report from the Southern Poverty Law Center says. Conspiracy theories about a secret Mexican plan to reclaim the Southwest are also growing amid the public debate about illegal immigration.
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It's reminiscent of what was seen in the 1990s – right-wing militias, people ideologically against paying taxes and so-called "sovereign citizens" are popping up in large numbers, according to the report to be released Wednesday. The SPLC is a nonprofit civil rights group that, among other activities, investigates hate groups.

Ahh the 1990's militia movement, what a wonderful boon to this country they were. Flaming compounds, government shootouts, and Federal Building bombings. It was the golden age of helicopter videography of dilapidated shacks. But at least it was all worth it. At least all the militias and cults and Tim McVeigh's were finally able to expose Bill Clinton's diabolical government wide conspiracy of drug dealing, murder, and chubby girl diddling.

But not to fear, the report notes that we haven't seen the subsequent uptick in large scale violence. But thankfully, they note that it's probably just around the corner and all it needs is a spark. Hey, maybe it'll be one of those people who keep bringing guns to health care town halls. I guess Richard Poplawski's shooting of three Pittsburgh police officers over his fears that the Muslim President and the Jews were going to steal his guns or the guy who shot up the Holocaust museum weren't inspirational enough. And the recent shooting at the LA Fitness was just about misogyny, so try building a militia movement around that. Still, if we are lucky, it is for one reason: at least Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Lou Dobbs are out there every day trying to calm people down and not stoke paranoid fears. Where would we be without them?

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.07

Republicans Propagating Falsehoods in Attacks on Health-Care Reform
Steve Pearlstein of the Washington Post on the lies hypocrisy and childishness of the debate over health care. He's fairly angry, dubbing those who are engaging in this type of action "political terrorists". But other than that it's a fairly clear and concise explanation of what the current plan under consideration is, disappointing as it is.

The Health Insurers Have Already Won
BusinessWeek on how no matter what ends up eventually getting passed, the health care industry will be relatively happy about, having been able to set the terms of the debate and the modes of reform almost from the drop. I know: what a shocker. I think that makes it the 137,897th time in a row that Congress decided to look out for business first instead of the actual people in a case that didn't involve overt poisoning or murder. Even the poisoning/murder ones are a 50/50 proposition in looking out for the public.

Pennsylvania Gunman Used Same Gun Store As Virginia Tech Shooter
I just want all you TB buckaroos out there to remember that if you're a mentally defective loner who is increasingly disturbed by his seeming disconnect from society and wishes to act out his militaristic revenge fantasies with a kill crazy rampage and subsequent suicide, go to TGSCOM Inc. of Green Bay for all your firearm needs.

Kepler Shows Exoplanet Is Unlike Anything in Our Solar System
The Kepler Space Telescope is finally starting up its mission to search for and analyze planetary bodies from solar systems in an attempt to find earth-like planets. The timeline for the project is to find a comparable planet by 2020. What have they found so far? A Jupiter sized planet with huge 1,300 degree temperature variances and a titanium oxide atmosphere. Oooh, so close.

New Radiohead - "Harry Patch (In Memory Of)"
Perhaps in some bid to cleanse themselves of Thom Yorke's voluntary wallowing in the Twilight mudpit, Radiohead has recorded and released a new song in honor of the recently deceased Harry Patch, the UK's last remaining WWI veteran. It's fairly good and all proceeds from the one pound purchase of the song go to the British Legion. Man, Radiohead outdid us again. All we did was use Harry Patch's death to mock education standards.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.17

US gun debate fires up as states allow weapons in bars
Want to know what you can't do in most bars? Smoke. But some states are coming up with a compromise: if you want to kill yourself or be killed in a secondhand manner, they are willing to allow handguns to be carried in bars to increase that possibility. Liquor and firearms, I thought those two wouldn't go together. Apparently in Arizona and Tennessee they do. So order a Jack & Coke and bring your Smith & Wesson, that confrontation over at the jukebox just got interesting. Sam Peckinpah interesting.

When Do They Need a Fig Leaf?
Summer is here and the New York Times is here to expose the new menace plaguing the countryside: armies of nude toddlers running free. Yes, there's a miniature streaking epidemic. From sunburn concerns to neighbors who catch a glimpse of a nude toddler in the yard and then spend the day wondering if their door isn't about to be kicked in by Chris Hansen,their apparent perversion shown on NBC, and jail time followed by registry on a sex offenders list. When will these nude 3 year old freaks learn: this is a Puritan country. Go off and commit unspeakable acts of violence like a normal child.

Economy in China Regains Robust Pace of Growth
What's that? The communofascisocialist Red Chinese understand more about economics than the free market, flag eating, $$$ loving people for New Freemerica? You mean focusing your efforts on appropriate levels government spending and loans and not loading up bills with ineffective tax cuts to appease Republicans is the way to go about an economic stimulus? Who would have thought? Except all those economist assholes. Of course they may be lying, but that's also a good plan. In any event, as long as their recovery isn't tied to the brutal suppression of dissident activity by Chinese Uighurs, we can copy it. Because we unfortunately sent all our Uighurs to tropical islands.

Chuck Todd's arguments against investigations
Want to know one of the main reasons you should actively despise the media in this country? People like Chuck Todd are a start. But it's more of their general kowtowing to power and their blinkered insistence that we shouldn't prosecute those pesky people who illegally tortured and spied and broke all those laws because it would be "distracting" and "looking back" and "partisan." Check out Glenn Greenwald's blogging destruction of Chuck Todd, then listen to his podcast, where he has Chuck on and then destroys him in audio form.

Who Will Succeed Kim Jong Il?
I'm guessing it's going to be someone with the words "Kim Jong" in their name. And I'm right, with Kimbo's #3 three son Kim Jong Un, slated to take up the family business. What's known about him? Almost nothing except he went to a Swiss school and loves NBA basketball. This should be read just for the stories his classmates give of finding out he's a dictator's son, theirs thoughts on the possibility he'll be the new dictator, and their descriptions of his b-ball prowess. The bad news if Un succeeds Il: not only another brutal dictator who's probably crazy, but one who could challenge Barry in a 1-on-1 match. The good news: if we make Michael Jordan a North Korean ambassador, we might be able to get Un to do what ever we want.

As Goldman Sachs Posts Record Profits, Matt Taibbi Probes Role of Investment Giant in US Financial Meltdown
Democracy Now has Matt Taibbi on to not only discuss his Rolling Stone article, now up in full on RS.com, but to also discuss the recent news that Goldman Sachs posted up its biggest quarterly profit ever. Needless to say he's not exactly surprised. Check out his blog for further discussion on the issue, rebuttals to criticism he's received, and people who he thinks can help explain the issue better than him.

Brand marketing we can get behind

Via Hello Kitty Hell come the horrible new knowledge of the existence of a 50,000 volt Hello Kitty taser and a customized Hello Kitty AK-47, dubbed the HK-47. Because if you're killing/shocking something, shouldn't it be pink and have an adorable Japanese cartoon kitty on it?

Guns+church is the new chocolate+peanut butter

Kentucky pastor welcomes guns in church

A gun-toting Kentucky pastor says it's OK to bring weapons to church — at least for one day.

Ken Pagano asked his flock to bring their unloaded handguns — in holsters — to New Bethel Church in Louisville for a celebration of the Second Amendment of the U.S. Consitution that guarantees the right to bear arms.

More than 200 people answered his call. There was just one rule for the several dozen who brought their guns along: No bullets.

No bullets? Liberal pussy. Guns in church, only in America. This is a new one. Or is it an old one? Did they allow you to slap iron in the House of God during the Old West days? Because I don't think they did. Have the good people of Kentucky actually shown us a way we've regressed morally from the lawless frontier days? That's innovation. And to think it's because they have had their fears stoked by the election of a black man to the White House love the 2nd Amendment so much.

What was that Jesus said after he unloaded his Magnum into the face of one Roman Centurion and stood over the beaten body of another, gun cocked and pointed at the man's groin? Something about losing count of all the bullets he fired during the commotion and wondering if the Centurion felt "lucky", right? It was in the Bible, Harold 3:57. The "Jesus on the Edge" Parable. I think the message was "It's better to wield a weapon under the influence of religion, than under the influence of alcohol." Or maybe it was worse, I don't really remember.

If you weren't able to go, you did miss a hell of a time. There was a $1 raffle of a handgun and firearms safety lessons, a picnic, a man who accidentally fired a shot into one of the "Stations of the Cross" murals, and only one child was pistol whipped in the foyer for "all that talkin' he been doin' durin' the sermon." I'm just glad that during these troubling times that people are stopping and taking the time to so clearly take to heart and understand the message of Jesus. Like these people.......who carry guns in church.

Oh, to be a rich athlete

I want to be a rich athlete. Not because of all the money, fame, and recognition. No, because I want the freedom to drunkenly kill people with my car and fire off handguns in or around 'da club.

Financial agreement avoids lawsuit

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte' Stallworth took full responsibility for killing a pedestrian while driving drunk in Florida and began serving a 30-day jail sentence Tuesday after he pleaded guilty to DUI manslaughter.

Stallworth also reached a confidential financial settlement to avoid a potential lawsuit from the family of 59-year-old Mario Reyes, according to Stallworth's attorney, Christopher Lyons. Reyes was struck and killed March 14 by Stallworth, who was driving his black 2005 Bentley after a night drinking at a swanky hotel bar.
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Stallworth faced 15 years in prison. According to the plea agreement, Stallworth needs to serve only 24 days of his 30-day sentence.

Hearing adjourned until September

Former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is negotiating with several NFL teams to return to pro football this season after a judge delayed his trial Monday on gun possession charges.
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Outside court Monday, Brafman said it was "inconceivable" that Burress would face trial on the charge before 2010, said several teams were trying to sign his client, and "physically he's in the best shape of his life. He's ready to play."

First off, nice use of the word 'swanky' in a story about a drunken car murder.

Let's see here, not only is there stone cold hard evidence that Stallworth was over twice the legal limit, there's video evidence of him hitting a guy, and a dead body. All of this and he doesn't get more than 30 days? Burress on the other hand is charged with criminal possession of a weapon. Despite the fact that they have stone cold evidence that he was in fact not only in criminal possession of a weapon, but shot himself with the weapon, they can't seem to get a trail started within two years of the incident. Not only that, but a man who shot himself with an illegal gun is going to plead not guilty and try to argue that even though he had an illegal gun and shot himself with it, he wasn't in possession of an illegal gun. He'll probably win too.

What's that sound? It's Pacman Jones nodding with approval and Michael Vick wondering what the fuck he went to prison for. He got a year plus for killing dogs. Stallworth killed a human and won't even have to serve a full 30 days. I definitely should have become a professional athlete. When I get busted on for drunkenly waving weapons at dogs I've run over with my car I'll have to do real time.

Yellowstone Heat

Terrorism, the Constitution, our system of justice, Guantanamo, credit cards, bankruptcy. You may look at this week as one of our elected betters dealing with important issues of national importance...and you'd be right. But in the distraction, carnage, and horror of Dick Cheney climbing out from under his bridge to publicly eat three billy goats who had transgressed his waterway, you probably forgot perhaps the single most important thing to happen this week: we don't have to take Smokey the Bear's shit any more, we can now pack heat in national parks.

The House voted Wednesday to join the Senate in approving sweeping restrictions on the credit card industry, as well as an unrelated measure, which the House passed separately, to allow loaded guns in parks.
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The other measure, to restore a Bush administration policy allowing loaded guns in national parks, had been pushed by conservative Sen. Tom Coburn, R-Okla., who persuaded the Senate to add it to its version of the credit card legislation.
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But since the gun measure passed, by a vote of 279-147, it nevertheless gets attached to the main bill and becomes law if President Obama signs it. He is expected to do so Friday.

Batman and Robin. Peanut butter and jelly. Ebony and ivory. Credit card reform and the relaxing of firearms laws in national parks. It's fits together so smoothly, like a hand into a glove.It makes sense really. Why not have places with severe restrictions on where you can camp, use fire, place trash, defecate, ride horses, climb, or even walk also have totally lax rules in regards to wielding loaded weapons?

So know that Congress is looking out for you. The next time one of those buffalo gets too close to the car, just flash your piece at him and tell him the score. He'll move on.