PITTSBURGH—In a shocking blow to the NFL, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and international crime, today the FBI and INTERPOL announced the arrest of Pittsburgh Defensive Coordinator, 2010 NFL Hall of Fame Inductee, and inventor of the fire zone defense, Dick LeBeau, for crimes relating to human trafficking, slavery, prostitution, smuggling, drugs, and organized crime dating back almost four decades.
“Today we announce the arrest of an evil man who has evaded justice and flaunted his disrespect for the law over these many decades,” announced lead investigator Herman Lizewski, who has led the joint international investigation for the past three years. “No longer will the world have to fear his brutal commands, the misery he inflicted on the lives of millions, or the smothering pressure of a zone blitz.”
According to INTERPOL, LeBeau took over the reins of the Black Hand of Death Triad shortly after his retirement as a player in 1972. From then on he moved the Black Hand beyond mere heroin trafficking, eventually conquering the East Asian prostitution game, as well as staking out a large part of a worldwide kidnapping and slavery ring.
In recent years, LeBeau and the Black Hand have been said to expand their efforts into America, primarily in the human organ smuggling and high-end prostitution rackets. They first came to national recognition in 2008 when they were linked to the murder of two Bayport teens acting as amateur detectives.
While no official statement has been made from the Pittsburgh Steelers, sources within the team say that everyone is “Shocked, saddened, and dismayed” to learn of the allegations. Steelers fans were more forthcoming with their views.
“Man, the hits just keep on coming,” observed Johnny Pakuszewski of Blawnox. “First Ben beats his rape charges but in a way that makes him look like an even bigger scumbag then had he been convicted, then Santonio gets busted for throwin’ a glass at a lady and gets traded for nothin’, then the gruesome details of Ben’s case get revealed, and then Willie Colon gets re-signed for another year. All in the span of a week. Now this.”
“Eh,” Pakuszewski nonchalantly remarked. “Even with this LeBeau business, this is still a better week for the Steelers than last week.”
Showing posts with label nfl. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nfl. Show all posts
Monday, April 19, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Broken News: Entire NFL Charged in Nightclub Altercation
MIAMI—The Miami-Dade sheriff’s department announced today that they were charging the entire National Football League with aggravated assault and public drunkenness following a nightclub altercation with a woman late last week.
“After a thorough investigation, we feel we have enough evidence to proceed with formal charges against every player in the NFL,” announced Sgt. Adam Harlan, lead investigator on the case.
“On the evening of March 26th, every player was seen at Opium, a trendy hotspot on the strip,” the Sgt. explained, laying out the facts of the case. “It was at this point that every player was seen partaking of drinks in the VIP section of the club. At a later point every player approached a young woman, who will remain nameless, and attempted to hit on her. After she rebuffed the advances of every player, every player in turn verbally berated her and threw their drink at her, causing some bruising. At this point, authorities were called and police arrived at the scene to find every player intoxicated and staggering around the streets of downtown Miami. After a thorough investigation, it was decided that formal charges are in order.”
As yet, there has been no official response from the NFL, but sources close to Commissioner Roger Goodell noted that he seemed to be dismayed by the actions of every player, would be calling every player in to talk about the incident, and would be following the case closely from this point forward.
While these sources noted that talk was preliminary and subject to the results of the trial, they noted that Goodell was considering a suspension of every player in the league for anywhere from one to four games pending a conviction.
What appears to be troubling the Commissioner most is the fact that out of the nearly 1,696 beverages that simultaneously hit the alleged victim, from simple gin and tonics to Jägerbombs to seltzer to straight Jack Daniels, initial forensic testing shows that several of the nearly 30 jewel encrusted pimp cups that struck the women we laced with a medicinal codeine syrup commonly referred to as “syzurrup” or “purple drank”.
The NFL Player's Association was not so judicious in its commentary on the case.
“While we note that every player will co-operate thoroughly with this investigation, we feel that every player will, in the end, be exonerated of any wrongdoing,” announced NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith. “Besides, what kind of women hangs around almost 1,700 men and their entourages of nearly an additional 6,000 men? Perhaps she was asking for the contents of nearly three liquor stores and one-third of an ice truck to be thrown on her.”
For others, this just seems to be part of an ongoing problem the league needs to rectify and shows a lack of common sense on the part of every player.
“I think every player needs to take a serious look at the kind of positions they put themselves into. Maybe every player shouldn’t be out at the club on a Friday night,” observed Sport Illustrated columnist Peter King in his Monday Morning Quarterback football column, in between three paragraphs on lattes and a section on baseball spring training. “I just don’t think every player should be out doing this kind of thing, as I happen to know that several hundred of them are married.”
While some are unsure of what the commonly held “they shouldn’t put themselves in this position” principle exactly means when every pundit says it, most think it ranges from “don’t go out to a bar or club or anywhere where fun might be occurring” to “don’t let sunlight hit your skin or breathe outside air unless it’s for a football related reason.”
In any event, every player has retained the services of several hundred law firms and has vowed to fight this battle in court. Every player asks that you please respect their privacy and the legal proceedings until such a time as a verdict is rendered.
The trial is expected to begin in late July.
“After a thorough investigation, we feel we have enough evidence to proceed with formal charges against every player in the NFL,” announced Sgt. Adam Harlan, lead investigator on the case.
“On the evening of March 26th, every player was seen at Opium, a trendy hotspot on the strip,” the Sgt. explained, laying out the facts of the case. “It was at this point that every player was seen partaking of drinks in the VIP section of the club. At a later point every player approached a young woman, who will remain nameless, and attempted to hit on her. After she rebuffed the advances of every player, every player in turn verbally berated her and threw their drink at her, causing some bruising. At this point, authorities were called and police arrived at the scene to find every player intoxicated and staggering around the streets of downtown Miami. After a thorough investigation, it was decided that formal charges are in order.”
As yet, there has been no official response from the NFL, but sources close to Commissioner Roger Goodell noted that he seemed to be dismayed by the actions of every player, would be calling every player in to talk about the incident, and would be following the case closely from this point forward.
While these sources noted that talk was preliminary and subject to the results of the trial, they noted that Goodell was considering a suspension of every player in the league for anywhere from one to four games pending a conviction.
What appears to be troubling the Commissioner most is the fact that out of the nearly 1,696 beverages that simultaneously hit the alleged victim, from simple gin and tonics to Jägerbombs to seltzer to straight Jack Daniels, initial forensic testing shows that several of the nearly 30 jewel encrusted pimp cups that struck the women we laced with a medicinal codeine syrup commonly referred to as “syzurrup” or “purple drank”.
The NFL Player's Association was not so judicious in its commentary on the case.
“While we note that every player will co-operate thoroughly with this investigation, we feel that every player will, in the end, be exonerated of any wrongdoing,” announced NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith. “Besides, what kind of women hangs around almost 1,700 men and their entourages of nearly an additional 6,000 men? Perhaps she was asking for the contents of nearly three liquor stores and one-third of an ice truck to be thrown on her.”
For others, this just seems to be part of an ongoing problem the league needs to rectify and shows a lack of common sense on the part of every player.
“I think every player needs to take a serious look at the kind of positions they put themselves into. Maybe every player shouldn’t be out at the club on a Friday night,” observed Sport Illustrated columnist Peter King in his Monday Morning Quarterback football column, in between three paragraphs on lattes and a section on baseball spring training. “I just don’t think every player should be out doing this kind of thing, as I happen to know that several hundred of them are married.”
While some are unsure of what the commonly held “they shouldn’t put themselves in this position” principle exactly means when every pundit says it, most think it ranges from “don’t go out to a bar or club or anywhere where fun might be occurring” to “don’t let sunlight hit your skin or breathe outside air unless it’s for a football related reason.”
In any event, every player has retained the services of several hundred law firms and has vowed to fight this battle in court. Every player asks that you please respect their privacy and the legal proceedings until such a time as a verdict is rendered.
The trial is expected to begin in late July.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Quote of the day
Life is tough as a Cleveland Browns fan. You live in Cleveland, you root for the Browns.... it doesn't get much worse than that unless you're a Detroit Lions fan. But year after year after year you have to put up with first rounds busts, perennial top 10 drafting, 7-9 seasons as the promised land, late season 50 point drubbings, and QB play that makes one yearn for the competence of JaMarcus Russell.
But as if that's not enough, when your team President finally wakes up enough to put you out of some of your misery by jettisoning one of the men who claimed to be a NFL QB and antagonized you for years with his shoddy play, that man turns around and slams your city and team and attempts to levy a voodoo curse on the entire area.
On the bright side, we already know Cleveland is a cursed land, removed from God's sight and unfit for human habitation. But given Derek Anderson's penchant for waywardly heaving anything he attempts to throw so off course that it will never be found, isn't there a chance his attempted curse will just hit some other city or even act as a sort of reverse hex, cleansing the city of it's sporting shame? There is hope.
On the other hand, it would just be Cleveland's luck that this is the time Anderson finally gets a semblance of pinpoint accuracy. The Browns will probably never win anything again and LeBron James will somehow find himself being fed into a woodchipper.
Well, at least you have Brady Quinn. Nah, forget it. It's hopeless.
But as if that's not enough, when your team President finally wakes up enough to put you out of some of your misery by jettisoning one of the men who claimed to be a NFL QB and antagonized you for years with his shoddy play, that man turns around and slams your city and team and attempts to levy a voodoo curse on the entire area.
"The fans are ruthless and don't deserve a winner," Anderson wrote Tuesday in a terse e-mail when asked for a reaction to being released. "I will never forget getting cheered when I was injured.Do you see what happens when you correctly identify shitty QB play and voice your displeasure? The man starts throwing hexes as he's rightfully booted out of town.
"I know at times I wasn't great. I hope and pray I'm playing when my team comes to town and (we) roll them."
On the bright side, we already know Cleveland is a cursed land, removed from God's sight and unfit for human habitation. But given Derek Anderson's penchant for waywardly heaving anything he attempts to throw so off course that it will never be found, isn't there a chance his attempted curse will just hit some other city or even act as a sort of reverse hex, cleansing the city of it's sporting shame? There is hope.
On the other hand, it would just be Cleveland's luck that this is the time Anderson finally gets a semblance of pinpoint accuracy. The Browns will probably never win anything again and LeBron James will somehow find himself being fed into a woodchipper.
Well, at least you have Brady Quinn. Nah, forget it. It's hopeless.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Warning
As part of the These Bastards Child Protective Services we would just like to pass on a warning to those of our readers from Indianapolis or New Orleans who are headed to Miami to partake in the festivities surrounding Super Bowl XLIV. If you have a child and a British man comes sliding up to the little angel on his knees from a great distance while windmilling a guitar: take caution. This man is a danger! There may or may not be a mop headed man wailing in the background.
No, seriously.
Be forewarned, Townshend may be elderly and still able to shatter eardrums with a well placed windmill on Won't Get Fooled Again.
No, seriously.
Protect Our Children, a non-profit community watchdog group based in Brevard County, is mailing thousands of postcards out in Miami Gardens and the areas surrounding Sun Life Stadium.If you really want to protect your children, don't play them the albums Face Dances, It's Hard, and Endless Wire after they've heard Tommy, Live at Leeds, and Who's Next. Strike that, it's OK to play them Eminence Front off of It's Hard.
Townshend and his group, The Who, are slated to perform during halftime at Super Bowl XLIV on Feb. 7, and Protect Our Children has spent the past couple months trying to stop him from taking the stage.
Be forewarned, Townshend may be elderly and still able to shatter eardrums with a well placed windmill on Won't Get Fooled Again.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Good morning, here's Prince's ode to Brett Favre
Today Prince rose from purification ceremonies in the waters of Lake Minnetonka to declare his allegiance to the Minnesota Vikings with a fight song. That's right, Saints, not only do you have to face Old Man Favre and Purple Jesus, but you have to face the might of the Revolution and the New Power Generation. After he's done with you, he's gonna serve you pancakes.
Your move, Dr. John and Harry Connick Jr., your move.
After the jump are the lyrics, which were apparently co-written by a 13 year-old girl who texted them to Prince.
Purple and Gold Lyrics
the veil of the sky draws open
the roar of the chariots touch down
we r the ones who have now come again
and walk upon water like solid ground
as we approach the throne we won't bow down
this time we won't b denied
raise every voice and let it b known
in the name of the purple and gold
we come in the name of the purple and gold
all of the odds r in r favor
no prediction 2 bold
we r the truth if the truth can b told
long reign the purple and gold
the eyes say ready 4 battle
no need 4 sword in hand
we r all amped up like a rock n roll band
ready 2 celebrate every score
ready 2 fight the elegant war
ready 2 hear the crowd roar
that's what we came 4
and so much more
in the name of the purple and gold
r spirits may b tired
r bodies may b worn
but since this day is r destiny
r history – that's y we must b
4ever strong as the wind that blows the Vikings' horn
in the name of the purple and gold
Friday, January 8, 2010
Sports attack ads
If you were watching the BCS National Championship Game, perhaps you saw the new wave of ads that are sure to dominate sports: sports based attack ads. Because this county's decline won't be truly complete until all aspects of our life take the form of our retarded political culture.
Ok, I'm for the playoff and mad that this is just another one of his campaign promises that BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA DIDN'T KEEP! But what about other important sports issues? Surely we need to start flogging the NFL and NFLPA to, for the love of God, get a collective bargaining agreement worked out so we A.) don't have a strike and miss one second of an NFL season, B.) don't see football turn into baseball with a few elite teams outspending everyone. How about the Committee to Horsewhip Bob Nutting? An impassioned plea for the Steelers to draft an offensive lineman high? A request for the Detroit Lions to stop, just stop?
Frankly I think we shouldn't be able to turn on a sporting event without seeing a sinister voice ask Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith if they hate America while flashing up pictures of Osama bin Laden and Hitler. If it'd mean one less repetitive beer ad hitting the airwaves, I'll fund it myself.
Ok, I'm for the playoff and mad that this is just another one of his campaign promises that BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA DIDN'T KEEP! But what about other important sports issues? Surely we need to start flogging the NFL and NFLPA to, for the love of God, get a collective bargaining agreement worked out so we A.) don't have a strike and miss one second of an NFL season, B.) don't see football turn into baseball with a few elite teams outspending everyone. How about the Committee to Horsewhip Bob Nutting? An impassioned plea for the Steelers to draft an offensive lineman high? A request for the Detroit Lions to stop, just stop?
Frankly I think we shouldn't be able to turn on a sporting event without seeing a sinister voice ask Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith if they hate America while flashing up pictures of Osama bin Laden and Hitler. If it'd mean one less repetitive beer ad hitting the airwaves, I'll fund it myself.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Video of the day
In honor of a goddamn bye week that went on too long (it should be illegal to schedule a Monday nighter following a bye) and freedom and the Berlin Wall coming down and Carl Sagan Day, we present an NFL Films tribute to one of the highlights of the Heinz Field gameday experience: Renegade.
Don't believe in the power of Renegade? Ask Tony Romo. Ask Brettfavreisjusthavingfunoutthere right after he fumbled for a TD. Ask Brettfavrejustlovesthegame after he threw a pick six. That's right, bitch got double Renegaded. No one can stand up to it. Sadly, we'll have to win on our own tonight, as I'm betting the Broncos aren't going to Renegade their own QB, Neckbeard. It'll be back in effect next week though.
Don't believe in the power of Renegade? Ask Tony Romo. Ask Brettfavreisjusthavingfunoutthere right after he fumbled for a TD. Ask Brettfavrejustlovesthegame after he threw a pick six. That's right, bitch got double Renegaded. No one can stand up to it. Sadly, we'll have to win on our own tonight, as I'm betting the Broncos aren't going to Renegade their own QB, Neckbeard. It'll be back in effect next week though.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Broken In Brief: NFL celebrates continuation of league wide conspiracy to rig games for the Steelers
Rugged Minnesota quarterback Brett Favre, who just has fun out there, is forced to watch as the referees hand another game to the Pittsburgh Steelers."I'm just glad I could be here to witness yet another occurrence of our league-wide conspiracy to steal victories from deserving franchise and give them to the Steelers," said a beaming NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell during a press conference to the national media. "Wow, what's that make it, 530 regular-season games? That's a hell of a milestone. It doesn't even factor in the 31 playoff wins and 6 ill-gotten Super Bowls we handed to them on a silver platter. I look forward to ordering up this travesty anywhere from another 5 to 7 times before the end of the season, depending on the playoff picture."
"Yeah, I thought so. Just look at the tripping call on Jeff Dugan. Total bullshit. Refs had to be in the bag," observed Vikings fan Carl Henriksson, wearing a #4 Favre jersey despite the presence of other, better players on the roster that will actually be playing next year and showing an expert ability to gloss over a questionable penalty on Heath Miller that negated a Steelers TD, as well as a holding penalty that went uncalled during Percy Harvin's 4th quarter kickoff return for a TD. "Glad to see the league is finally admitting what we all know is the truth, don' cha know."
Later in the evening, Goodell clarified that, due to a longstanding pact with both Satan and the Freemasons, this legitimacy-crippling corruption would continue to benefit the Steelers for roughly the next 100 years. Almost immediately, fans of the Vikings, Ravens, Bengals, Chargers, Raiders, Seahawks, and Browns began to nod their heads in recognition of the infernal bloodtrust. Many were heard to mutter "I knew it" under their breath before declaring that this was the only logical explanation for their respective franchise's latest step toward eternal futility, as well as the Steelers' post-NFL merger success.
At press time, no explanations had been offered for the routine ineptness of the aforementioned franchises.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.19
In health debate, those numbers are just numbers
The Washington Post takes a look the organization that has had a large hand in shaping the health debate: the Congressional Budget Office. The office that can sent our elected betters scurrying for their ratholes or puffing their chests out in glee if he deems their legislation to cost more or less than the arbitrary dollar threshold that they themselves selected. Their methodology: a complex series of equations, surveys, projections, and math that they admit will almost always be wrong. An interesting look at how they figure out how much things will cost.
Missed Kicks Make Brain See Smaller Goal Post
Wired Science looks at a recent Purdue study on how perception changes for athletes based on how well or poorly they're doing, more specifically: football placekickers. When they're making kicks they see the goalposts as bigger, when they miss the kicks they see the goalposts as smaller. Is this why we lost the Chicago game, Jeff Reed? Have another drink. Sadly this study doesn't show what the hell it is that Jamarcus Russell and Derek Anderson see when they're out on a field throwing worm burners and missing guys by ten yards to the tune of a 35% completion percentage. It must be some hellish nightmare of swooping bats and laughing demons.
The Banks Are Not Alright
Paul Krugman, after headfaking positivity by accusing President Obama of getting stuff done, is back to the woesome dirge that is pointing out how bad our economy actually is. This time it's the banks who are in trouble. They're weak, following policies that will keep them weak, which in turn will keep the economy weak. Plus they're opposing effective regulatory laws. The good news is that the mattress where you'll have to keep all your money under in the future will always be fiscally solvent.
New Medical Marijuana Policy: Obama Administration Will Not Seek Arrests For People Following State Laws
So what's the Justice Department going to do if it can't set up bullshit sting operations to imprison Tommy Chong? What's the FBI and DEA going to do if it can't raid growers with legal permits from the states? Bust real criminals? I think we need to rethink this logical policy and perhaps set up another sting on Chong. While we're at it, let's keep on busting legally operating porn companies as well. Anything we can do to keep all our law enforcement resources from going to worthwhile operations.
Downturn has hit banking lobbyists
Awwwww. You keep hearing all these tragic stories from the global financial apocalypse and they just don't touch you. Then you finally hear a story like this and you know the true meaning of pain and hardship. I mean banking lobbyists not being able to work on getting the banking industry deregulated just because their work on getting the banking industry deregulated happened to melt down the economy and put banks out of business? Life just isn't fair sometimes.
The Washington Post takes a look the organization that has had a large hand in shaping the health debate: the Congressional Budget Office. The office that can sent our elected betters scurrying for their ratholes or puffing their chests out in glee if he deems their legislation to cost more or less than the arbitrary dollar threshold that they themselves selected. Their methodology: a complex series of equations, surveys, projections, and math that they admit will almost always be wrong. An interesting look at how they figure out how much things will cost.
Missed Kicks Make Brain See Smaller Goal Post
Wired Science looks at a recent Purdue study on how perception changes for athletes based on how well or poorly they're doing, more specifically: football placekickers. When they're making kicks they see the goalposts as bigger, when they miss the kicks they see the goalposts as smaller. Is this why we lost the Chicago game, Jeff Reed? Have another drink. Sadly this study doesn't show what the hell it is that Jamarcus Russell and Derek Anderson see when they're out on a field throwing worm burners and missing guys by ten yards to the tune of a 35% completion percentage. It must be some hellish nightmare of swooping bats and laughing demons.
The Banks Are Not Alright
Paul Krugman, after headfaking positivity by accusing President Obama of getting stuff done, is back to the woesome dirge that is pointing out how bad our economy actually is. This time it's the banks who are in trouble. They're weak, following policies that will keep them weak, which in turn will keep the economy weak. Plus they're opposing effective regulatory laws. The good news is that the mattress where you'll have to keep all your money under in the future will always be fiscally solvent.
New Medical Marijuana Policy: Obama Administration Will Not Seek Arrests For People Following State Laws
So what's the Justice Department going to do if it can't set up bullshit sting operations to imprison Tommy Chong? What's the FBI and DEA going to do if it can't raid growers with legal permits from the states? Bust real criminals? I think we need to rethink this logical policy and perhaps set up another sting on Chong. While we're at it, let's keep on busting legally operating porn companies as well. Anything we can do to keep all our law enforcement resources from going to worthwhile operations.
Downturn has hit banking lobbyists
Awwwww. You keep hearing all these tragic stories from the global financial apocalypse and they just don't touch you. Then you finally hear a story like this and you know the true meaning of pain and hardship. I mean banking lobbyists not being able to work on getting the banking industry deregulated just because their work on getting the banking industry deregulated happened to melt down the economy and put banks out of business? Life just isn't fair sometimes.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.13
Offensive Play: How different are dogfighting and football?
Malcolm Gladwell looks at concussions and degenerative brain conditions in regards to the NFL. In it he runs the gamut from scientific efforts to study brain injuries and the unknown effects of concussions to whether or not these injuries are an avoidable or unavoidable part of the game. It's a nice little way to damper your love of America's most popular sport...at least until you start amping yourself up for Sunday's match-up.
Gag on Guardian reporting MP's Trafigura question lifted
A story on how recently the Guardian was not permitted to cover Parliament questions as a result of a gag order in a lawsuit brought about by oil traders Trafigura over a Guardian report on an African pollution disaster. A news organization couldn't cover news because of a lawsuit. Thankfully, for the basic tenets of free speech, the gag order was dropped. Can't the UK just use our example? Oil companies do something illegal-> most news organizations ignore it-> most Americans ignore it. It works well for us, plus no messy lawsuits. Ill-informed delusion; you might want to try it.
Don’t Fail, or Reward Success
Looks like everything is back to normal. Goldman-Sachs is set to hand out $23 billion in bonuses. But don't worry, that's all OK because they're going to give out a charitable donation of $1 billion....maybe. It's a shame they can only convert to a bank holding company and not to some sort of money printing organization. Makes little difference anyway. I'm just glad they're reaping the rewards after providing sooo many useful services over the past few years.
Placebos Are Getting More Effective. Drugmakers Are Desperate to Know Why.
You know what's just as effective as medicine? Tic-tacs that someone in a lab coat swears are medicine. You know what's a better than a white anti-depressant? The same anti-depressant, only painted yellow. Wired looks at the pharmaceutical industry and just how strong the placebo effect actually is. It turns out that in a lot of cases a sugar pill is as effective or more effective. Just as long as you didn't import that sugar pill from Canada.
Nearly One in Four Persons on Globe is Muslim
1.5 billion Muslims. Not only that, but the Muslim population will swell to 1/3 by 2050. *dusts hands off* Well, that ought to keep most of the right wing pundits and media personalities fully in business until 2050. I'm not sure but I think you could get Pat Buchanan to explode into bloody pulp if you combined this information with an appropriately sized pie chart and perhaps a prognostication from a fortune teller that we'll have a latino President after the black one.
Malcolm Gladwell looks at concussions and degenerative brain conditions in regards to the NFL. In it he runs the gamut from scientific efforts to study brain injuries and the unknown effects of concussions to whether or not these injuries are an avoidable or unavoidable part of the game. It's a nice little way to damper your love of America's most popular sport...at least until you start amping yourself up for Sunday's match-up.
Gag on Guardian reporting MP's Trafigura question lifted
A story on how recently the Guardian was not permitted to cover Parliament questions as a result of a gag order in a lawsuit brought about by oil traders Trafigura over a Guardian report on an African pollution disaster. A news organization couldn't cover news because of a lawsuit. Thankfully, for the basic tenets of free speech, the gag order was dropped. Can't the UK just use our example? Oil companies do something illegal-> most news organizations ignore it-> most Americans ignore it. It works well for us, plus no messy lawsuits. Ill-informed delusion; you might want to try it.
Don’t Fail, or Reward Success
Looks like everything is back to normal. Goldman-Sachs is set to hand out $23 billion in bonuses. But don't worry, that's all OK because they're going to give out a charitable donation of $1 billion....maybe. It's a shame they can only convert to a bank holding company and not to some sort of money printing organization. Makes little difference anyway. I'm just glad they're reaping the rewards after providing sooo many useful services over the past few years.
Placebos Are Getting More Effective. Drugmakers Are Desperate to Know Why.
You know what's just as effective as medicine? Tic-tacs that someone in a lab coat swears are medicine. You know what's a better than a white anti-depressant? The same anti-depressant, only painted yellow. Wired looks at the pharmaceutical industry and just how strong the placebo effect actually is. It turns out that in a lot of cases a sugar pill is as effective or more effective. Just as long as you didn't import that sugar pill from Canada.
Nearly One in Four Persons on Globe is Muslim
1.5 billion Muslims. Not only that, but the Muslim population will swell to 1/3 by 2050. *dusts hands off* Well, that ought to keep most of the right wing pundits and media personalities fully in business until 2050. I'm not sure but I think you could get Pat Buchanan to explode into bloody pulp if you combined this information with an appropriately sized pie chart and perhaps a prognostication from a fortune teller that we'll have a latino President after the black one.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.12
A Dogged Taliban Chief Rebounds, Vexing U.S.
What the one thing you most wanted to hear about Afghanistan in the news? Was it the quote "he’s staged one of the most remarkable military comebacks in modern history" being made in reference to one-eyed Taliban leader Mullah Omar's Afghan resistance? I guess we're learning the famous lesson of war in Afghanistan: don't start a war in Afghanistan. Or maybe it's more: once you start a war in Afghanistan, don't completely cripple it by immediately starting a war with Iraq and forgetting about it for eight years.
Head of NFL players union opposes Limbaugh’s bid: Sports are meant to reject ‘discrimination and hatred.’
Wait, so you're telling me that a league comprised of around 70% black guys isn't all that thrilled with the prospect of a man with a history of racially charged (to put it mildly) statements about blacks, the black community, black leaders, black athletes, and especially black football players buying an NFL football team? I understand your objections, but you might want to consider letting him buy the team. Reason 1: so we can finally take him off the list of "people who we are ashamed are big Steelers fans." Reason 2: he's trying to buy the Rams. No good can come of that for Rush. He'll leave beaten and battered in a few years muttering "they're terrible...oh so terrible, my God the horror." Don't you want to see that happen to him?
Nasa's LCROSS lunar mission uses Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Sure the LCROSS mission didn't actually achieve it's scientific goal. One: it kicked of Moon War with a bang. Two: it was able to quote the existence pondering sperm whale from Hitchhiker's Guide while doing so. Far as I'm concerned that's a couple million well spent. Now crash something into Mercury while quoting Life of Brian.
Fur flies on 'Mr. Fox'
Turns out that if you want to direct a stop motion adaptation of a Roald Dahl novel not only do you not have to know anything about stop motion, but you don't even have to show up to get the directing credit or communicate to the people doing it in any other way besides e-mail. At least that's what Wes Anderson thinks. The other people on the film weren't really big fans of the process. Doesn't exactly raise my hopes for the film. But the article does reveal that the film is going to be cool-looking, detail-saturated, retro-leaning, and have a 60's era rock soundtrack. That's a shocker.
Afghan quits election panel, claiming foreigners are making all decisions
Well this certainly looks promising for the UN panel set to investigate widespread Afghan election fraud: one of the Afghans quit, citing problems with the way things were being run and decisions being made. Apparently he didn't like to be told to "shuuuuut uuuuuup" when he expressed concerns that Hamid Karzai wasn't the duly elected leader of Afghanistan. Seems he didn't get the message that this is the good kind of election rigging. Hopefully the next guy they put on the panel does understand that.
What the one thing you most wanted to hear about Afghanistan in the news? Was it the quote "he’s staged one of the most remarkable military comebacks in modern history" being made in reference to one-eyed Taliban leader Mullah Omar's Afghan resistance? I guess we're learning the famous lesson of war in Afghanistan: don't start a war in Afghanistan. Or maybe it's more: once you start a war in Afghanistan, don't completely cripple it by immediately starting a war with Iraq and forgetting about it for eight years.
Head of NFL players union opposes Limbaugh’s bid: Sports are meant to reject ‘discrimination and hatred.’
Wait, so you're telling me that a league comprised of around 70% black guys isn't all that thrilled with the prospect of a man with a history of racially charged (to put it mildly) statements about blacks, the black community, black leaders, black athletes, and especially black football players buying an NFL football team? I understand your objections, but you might want to consider letting him buy the team. Reason 1: so we can finally take him off the list of "people who we are ashamed are big Steelers fans." Reason 2: he's trying to buy the Rams. No good can come of that for Rush. He'll leave beaten and battered in a few years muttering "they're terrible...oh so terrible, my God the horror." Don't you want to see that happen to him?
Nasa's LCROSS lunar mission uses Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Sure the LCROSS mission didn't actually achieve it's scientific goal. One: it kicked of Moon War with a bang. Two: it was able to quote the existence pondering sperm whale from Hitchhiker's Guide while doing so. Far as I'm concerned that's a couple million well spent. Now crash something into Mercury while quoting Life of Brian.
Fur flies on 'Mr. Fox'
Turns out that if you want to direct a stop motion adaptation of a Roald Dahl novel not only do you not have to know anything about stop motion, but you don't even have to show up to get the directing credit or communicate to the people doing it in any other way besides e-mail. At least that's what Wes Anderson thinks. The other people on the film weren't really big fans of the process. Doesn't exactly raise my hopes for the film. But the article does reveal that the film is going to be cool-looking, detail-saturated, retro-leaning, and have a 60's era rock soundtrack. That's a shocker.
Afghan quits election panel, claiming foreigners are making all decisions
Well this certainly looks promising for the UN panel set to investigate widespread Afghan election fraud: one of the Afghans quit, citing problems with the way things were being run and decisions being made. Apparently he didn't like to be told to "shuuuuut uuuuuup" when he expressed concerns that Hamid Karzai wasn't the duly elected leader of Afghanistan. Seems he didn't get the message that this is the good kind of election rigging. Hopefully the next guy they put on the panel does understand that.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Question
So, do you think CBS Announcer Gus Johnson actually ejaculated when Stokley caught the ball or was he actually that excited that somehow the Bengals found a new way to lose? I don't think I could get that excited about anything ever, so I'm going with a 20 second jeans creaming as the answer.
And really Denver people...Immaculate Deflection? It was week one against the Bengals. We're the only ones who are allowed to bastardize that phrase with all the lack of creativity we can muster.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
NFL Oregon Trail
Via Slate comes this video game mash-up of the NFL and the Oregon Trail. Unlike certain video games, this one doesn't curse long haired safeties. You now have dysentery.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Victory
Yeah....it's going to be one of those years again. Next Steelers coach I hear praise an offensive lineman gets punched in the throat. Seriously, how bad could Doug Legursky and Tony Hills be?
Also, fuck John Madden as his stupid cursed video game covers that injure shampoo endorsing DB's. Sorry Fitzy, looks like your ACL is going to explode on Sunday. It is destiny.
Still, a winisawinisawinisawinisawin.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Areyoureadeeefosumfooooballll!
With the NFL season kicking off tonight with Mine and Sean's beloved Pittsburgh Steelers taking on the Tennessee Titans (full rubbing your nose in shit disclosure: I'm going), one question remains: are you ready for some football? Now if you root for God's team, as we do, you probably think you are in fact, ready for some football. You are not. Listen to this 30-40 times:
Now you are ready for some football...and possibly ready to kill the next living thing you see with your bare hands. Such is the power of NFL Films music, Sam Spence, and Classic Battle.
Now you are ready for some football...and possibly ready to kill the next living thing you see with your bare hands. Such is the power of NFL Films music, Sam Spence, and Classic Battle.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Picture of the day
via the Times Online
A competitor attempts to tear off the head of a killed goose attached to a rope, which is repeatedly raised and lowered into the harbour, during fiestas in the Basque fishing town of Lekeitio. Successful participants are allowed to keep the goose.Here we are trying to get excited about the upcoming season of millionaires crippling each other for our entertainment, when Spain has it all figured out: Goose Corpse Mangling. They don't do it for the money or the fame, they do it for the competition and the bird ripping, for the purity of the sport. They do it for the free goose meat. I think we can all learn something from this.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Start the goddamn season already
DPOY Silverback:
This man is ready to destroy. Let him do some damage that counts before he runs down a family of deer and eats them raw.
On the last play of practice today, outside linebacker James Harrison and tackle Jeremy Parquet were involved in a brief scuffle.Really? We have to sit through two more preseason games? Really? It's late August, why is the season starting so late this year? When is the Super Bowl, April?
No serious punches were thrown before teammates separated Harrison and Parquet. But Harrison could be heard yelling, "I want you to be scared! I want you to be scared!"
This man is ready to destroy. Let him do some damage that counts before he runs down a family of deer and eats them raw.
Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.26
How America Lost the War on Drugs
Ben Wallace-Wells of Rolling Stone traces America's failure/loss in the War on Drugs. How did we lose? To make a long story short: by fighting it. Among the highlights: RAND researchers finding out 13 years ago that the best way to reduce drug usage was treatment and education, not South American bombing campaigns and guerrilla wars. The study has never been implemented. Good times.
Progressive Caucus Finds Itself In A Strange Place: Power
HuffPo looks at the strange new thing rippling through the Democratic party: progressives and liberals who are taken seriously by the party establishment. My God, the horror. Mainly it has to do with them sticking to their guns (for once) on the issue of a public health insurance option. If a decent health care plan gets passed (HA!!) these are going to be the dirty liberal sons of bitches to thank.
NFL targeting binge drinking among fans in new season
Oh NFL, this means war. First you pussy up the game with more judgment calls about intent and hitting hard, then you continue to subject us to the commercial torments of John Cougar Mellencamp, and now you have the nerve to try to fight our ability to get blackout drunk in a parking lot at 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning or go to the concession stand in the 3rd quarter and come back with seven 28 ounce beers? Damn your evil eyes, Roger Goodell, damn them to hell. Hell is, incidentally, a Detroit Lions vs. Cleveland Browns week 16 match-up played over and over endlessly on a black and white TV.
Public Opinion and Gay Marriage
Some number crunchers have taken a look at gay marriage and have found out that not only has support for destroying Jesus' carefully written marriage laws becoming more popular, but that after gay marriage is legalized in a state it becomes even more popular. If we don't stop this menace what's next? Complete tolerance? No thank you, I already have enough weddings to go to.
Jeremy Scahill Slams Chuck Todd, Media, Congress Over Blackwater On "Real Time With Bill Maher" (VIDEO)
God bless you Mr. Scahill, three worthier targets for scorn could not be found. Mostly his outrage (outrage that is available in paperback) stems from the fact that no one in our pampered media elite or any of our elected betters seems to find it noteworthy or important that Blackwater is employed as a "Christian supremacist fighting force to eliminate Muslims and destroy Islam globally, and then they bill taxpayers again for this killing that they're doing and they're not held to the same standard as soldiers." That and they might also murder whistle-blowers on American soil. Chuck Todd's response: Waaaaaaaaaah. That's right dear media, everyone who thinks that extra legal mercenary fighting forces are bad are the crazy ones.
Ben Wallace-Wells of Rolling Stone traces America's failure/loss in the War on Drugs. How did we lose? To make a long story short: by fighting it. Among the highlights: RAND researchers finding out 13 years ago that the best way to reduce drug usage was treatment and education, not South American bombing campaigns and guerrilla wars. The study has never been implemented. Good times.
Progressive Caucus Finds Itself In A Strange Place: Power
HuffPo looks at the strange new thing rippling through the Democratic party: progressives and liberals who are taken seriously by the party establishment. My God, the horror. Mainly it has to do with them sticking to their guns (for once) on the issue of a public health insurance option. If a decent health care plan gets passed (HA!!) these are going to be the dirty liberal sons of bitches to thank.
NFL targeting binge drinking among fans in new season
Oh NFL, this means war. First you pussy up the game with more judgment calls about intent and hitting hard, then you continue to subject us to the commercial torments of John Cougar Mellencamp, and now you have the nerve to try to fight our ability to get blackout drunk in a parking lot at 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning or go to the concession stand in the 3rd quarter and come back with seven 28 ounce beers? Damn your evil eyes, Roger Goodell, damn them to hell. Hell is, incidentally, a Detroit Lions vs. Cleveland Browns week 16 match-up played over and over endlessly on a black and white TV.
Public Opinion and Gay Marriage
Some number crunchers have taken a look at gay marriage and have found out that not only has support for destroying Jesus' carefully written marriage laws becoming more popular, but that after gay marriage is legalized in a state it becomes even more popular. If we don't stop this menace what's next? Complete tolerance? No thank you, I already have enough weddings to go to.
Jeremy Scahill Slams Chuck Todd, Media, Congress Over Blackwater On "Real Time With Bill Maher" (VIDEO)
God bless you Mr. Scahill, three worthier targets for scorn could not be found. Mostly his outrage (outrage that is available in paperback) stems from the fact that no one in our pampered media elite or any of our elected betters seems to find it noteworthy or important that Blackwater is employed as a "Christian supremacist fighting force to eliminate Muslims and destroy Islam globally, and then they bill taxpayers again for this killing that they're doing and they're not held to the same standard as soldiers." That and they might also murder whistle-blowers on American soil. Chuck Todd's response: Waaaaaaaaaah. That's right dear media, everyone who thinks that extra legal mercenary fighting forces are bad are the crazy ones.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.24
The Favre and I
It was a romance many thought would span the breadth of time and teach us all about the true meaning of love. But like all true love, one day it withered on the vine. Such is the tale of Brett Favre, fresh off his 17th retirement, and his #1 media sweetheart Peter King. Slate traces their relationship from its earliest days of smitten infatuation, to the cruel breakup amidst rumors of a Favre/Madden tryst in the back of the Madden Cruiser. Will they ever reconcile? We'll see, since Favre will never retire, King will have plenty of opportunities to fall back in love.
All the President’s Zombies
Paul Krugman decides to use the TB metaphor method of choice -- ZOMBIES!!! -- to describe the health care debate and the seeming undead rise of Reaganism in the "government is bad" arguments against health care reform. Discredited ideas that keep rising from the dead inexplicably to menace British comedy duos, the greater Pittsburgh area, and women named Barbara. Here's an idea: shoot the zombies in the head. Either get some juice behind discrediting these ideas/getting news organizations to point out that they've been discredited....or just kill anyone who repeats them. Either/or. It's really up to you, Paul.
BERNIE 'DYING' IN JAIL
Awwwww, why does cancer always happen to the good ones? Could his confession and positioning as the sole fall guy for the entire Ponzi scheme be his attempt at cleansing his soul before death? Who gives a fuck? God has smited him with a plague for his many affronts against humanity. On a lighter note, the Post also divulges that Madoff hangs out with the Native Americans in prison, partaking in their sweat lodges, and also pals around with "the homosexual posse", but that other ethnicities are trying to recruit him into their gangs. I can think of no funnier thing than Bernie Madoff weighing the relative merits of joining the Mexican Mafia or the Black Guerrilla Family with his "homosexual posse."
Healthcare insurers get upper hand
I don't want to alarm you, but it seems that heath insurers might stand to reap a financial windfall and are might be exceedingly thrilled with the way health care reform negotiations have seemed to ditch the only possible chink in their armor: a public plan. By which I mean they are going to get rich and are really happy about it. Whew! I was worried for a second that these useful pillars of American society weren't going to make out like bandits. Thank God we have people in Congress looking out for them, instead of the teeming masses of peasants who want just a touch more gruel in their bowl.
Obama’s Team Is Lacking Most of Its Top Players
Wonder how the Obama Administration is supposed to run any of the Government Department's with only 43% of it's political appointees in place? Yeah, so are a lot of people. But hey, it's just the beauty of our system, where the President is expected to run the government without our legislative bodies or vetting processes actually allowing anyone to be put in place to run the government. Marvel at Hillary Clinton going to a international forum on international development, but having no one manning the Agency for International Development. Or holding a summit for nuclear nonproliferation with no nonproliferation secretary. Remember: when America does finally collapse under the weight of its own ineffective bullshit, try to act surprised when stuff like this is brought up.
It was a romance many thought would span the breadth of time and teach us all about the true meaning of love. But like all true love, one day it withered on the vine. Such is the tale of Brett Favre, fresh off his 17th retirement, and his #1 media sweetheart Peter King. Slate traces their relationship from its earliest days of smitten infatuation, to the cruel breakup amidst rumors of a Favre/Madden tryst in the back of the Madden Cruiser. Will they ever reconcile? We'll see, since Favre will never retire, King will have plenty of opportunities to fall back in love.
All the President’s Zombies
Paul Krugman decides to use the TB metaphor method of choice -- ZOMBIES!!! -- to describe the health care debate and the seeming undead rise of Reaganism in the "government is bad" arguments against health care reform. Discredited ideas that keep rising from the dead inexplicably to menace British comedy duos, the greater Pittsburgh area, and women named Barbara. Here's an idea: shoot the zombies in the head. Either get some juice behind discrediting these ideas/getting news organizations to point out that they've been discredited....or just kill anyone who repeats them. Either/or. It's really up to you, Paul.
BERNIE 'DYING' IN JAIL
Awwwww, why does cancer always happen to the good ones? Could his confession and positioning as the sole fall guy for the entire Ponzi scheme be his attempt at cleansing his soul before death? Who gives a fuck? God has smited him with a plague for his many affronts against humanity. On a lighter note, the Post also divulges that Madoff hangs out with the Native Americans in prison, partaking in their sweat lodges, and also pals around with "the homosexual posse", but that other ethnicities are trying to recruit him into their gangs. I can think of no funnier thing than Bernie Madoff weighing the relative merits of joining the Mexican Mafia or the Black Guerrilla Family with his "homosexual posse."
Healthcare insurers get upper hand
I don't want to alarm you, but it seems that heath insurers might stand to reap a financial windfall and are might be exceedingly thrilled with the way health care reform negotiations have seemed to ditch the only possible chink in their armor: a public plan. By which I mean they are going to get rich and are really happy about it. Whew! I was worried for a second that these useful pillars of American society weren't going to make out like bandits. Thank God we have people in Congress looking out for them, instead of the teeming masses of peasants who want just a touch more gruel in their bowl.
Obama’s Team Is Lacking Most of Its Top Players
Wonder how the Obama Administration is supposed to run any of the Government Department's with only 43% of it's political appointees in place? Yeah, so are a lot of people. But hey, it's just the beauty of our system, where the President is expected to run the government without our legislative bodies or vetting processes actually allowing anyone to be put in place to run the government. Marvel at Hillary Clinton going to a international forum on international development, but having no one manning the Agency for International Development. Or holding a summit for nuclear nonproliferation with no nonproliferation secretary. Remember: when America does finally collapse under the weight of its own ineffective bullshit, try to act surprised when stuff like this is brought up.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Get yer odds
For those of us who are degenerate gamblers gamblers who would bet on anything that could possibly been wagered on, the Michael Vick reinstatement is looking to be golden for us. Not because he's going to start up dog fighting again, giving us a competition to wager on. No, because of all the prop bets Vegas is going to let us make on the general assholish behavior of NFL fans and players towards Vick and the Eagles. BetUS only has a few up, but eventually they'll have more.
Rot# After a Vick sack will the Defender get on all 4sMay I suggest some others?
17 Yes +300
Defender must be on all fours like a dog for yes to be the winner.
Rot# ATL to Play Who Let the Dogs Out during Week 12
18 No +500
Falcons must play "Who Let The Dogs Out" During the Eagles-Falcons game week 12
Rot# Will an opponent be penalized for taunting Vick
19 Yes +300
Player must be penalized for directly taunting Vick for yes to be the winner.
NFL Stadium erupts into barking noises at sight of Vick. +150
Exasperated Donovan McNabb cries out "Just let the man be!" after one too many questions about dog fighting. +400
Philly fan shows slightest bit of shame for wearing jersey of man who electrocuted and strangles dogs. N/A
Vick found to have secret room inside Lincoln Financial Field where he trains the defensive backs to fight each other inside a ring. +350
Philly fan attempts to blame dogs for fighting instead of Vick. Oops, already happened.
PETA engages in some form of protest against the Eagles using nude women degrading themselves that completely misses the point. +100
Donovan McNabb found wistfully looking at a photo of Terrell Owens, pining for the simpler days when all he had to deal with was a WR who was calling him a closeted gay choke artist. +250
Over/Under on fights between Philly fans and friends who are fans of other teams after one too many pit bull/dog fight/rape stand jokes +/- 2,000,000 fights
Eagles/Vikings playoff matchup with pregame Vick/Favre handshake causes ESPN to explode. +100
Brian Westbrook and Vick lock eyes awkwardly when Westbrook is overheard telling Shady McCoy about the new terrier he bought his kids. +400
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