We will burn in nuclear fire

Today the United States and Russia signed a new nuclear arms reduction pact. It was a stirring ceremony where President Obama strode to the stage, took the irrepressibly tiny Dmitri Medvedev out of his right front pocket, set him on a toadstool, patted him on the head, and went and sat at his chair. Medvedev looked over to Vladimir Putin who flashed a thumbs up and released Medvedev's children from the secret location he was holding them, and the treaty was signed.

The treaty, if ratified, would require each country to deploy no more than 1,550 strategic warheads (down from 2,200), each would be limited to 800 total land, air and sea-based launchers (down from 1,600 permitted under the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty of 1991), and would re-implement a inspection regime and legal framework that had lapsed last December with the expiration of START. It's sensible, is a reduction in nuclear weapons, restores critical inspection measures, and gets us back on good diplomatic footing with Russia... so I'm sure this will come nowhere near getting the 67 votes needed to pass in the Senate.

Indeed, with this and the recent release of the Congressionally mandated Nuclear Posture Review, only one question remains: how has President Obama just insured our nuclear death with these reckless measures towards our precious, precious A-Bombs? Well as right wing pundits quickly informed us: by apparently ensuring that we would not retaliate if comrade Lenin rose from the grave and sent a first strike at the heartland.

Watch Fox News freak out:


Mmm, so reckless towards our safety and yet... so hot. The way her eyes bug out as she contemplates Obama sentencing us to an irradiated exploding death... she cares about our future.

Of course it's bullshit, as we still keep our first-strike strategy, actually reserves the right of retaliation, reserves the right of nuclear retaliation in non-nuclear attacks, and our bombs still give our generals a 10 on the atomic war boner scale.

But just so you're aware of the new panic: we're all going to die as Obama invites a nuclear strike and then fails to retaliate. Maybe he'll even launch our nukes at us, who knows? What's clear is that we have effectively surrendered to Russia. So practice huddling under your desk for protection and come up with a cool pose for when your shadow gets permanently etched onto some wall, because the liberals have killed us for certain this time. All on account of renewing a treaty and releasing a Congressionally mandated review. Who saw that coming?

Diplomacy is for adults

The dance of diplomacy is a complicated one in which there is much give and take in a relationship over a long term in order to produce a mutually beneficial result, usually centered around trade or us bombing a third party. On the other hand, with Venezuela, sometimes diplomacy is just a dance of childish mockery, petulance, and schoolyard antics. Chavez calls us some form of a devil, we call him a cheap despot, he tells us to stop using our earthquake machine on Haiti, we tell him that we regret ever showing him the earthquake machine, he claims we killed off all the bigfoots, and we mock the poverty and instability of his country.

Essentially he uses any opportunity to launch himself, Wile E. Coyote style from a large slingshot, into any situation dressed in full clown makeup. We in turn respond by mocking him and pointing out the poverty of his country and, if the mood suits us, by trying to overthrow him.

For instance take the recent state visit to Venezuela by Russian PM Vladimir Putin. While there to compare notes on what it's like to never have to leave power, Putin expressed support for Russia helping Venezuela achieve a particular goal of theirs. Namely launching Hugo Chavez, or perhaps some other Venezuelan, or perhaps space tourists into orbit. Because Hugo buys so many weapons from Russia, $4 billion worth at last count, not only is Russia going to help Hugo build nuclear plants, they're going to help Hugo set up a space launcher and factory. Why does Venezuela need a space program? Only the mind of Chavez knows. But America was quick to reply with a Chavez sized dose of international snark.

Phil Crowley, a spokesman for the US State Department said the two nations had the right to pursue relations with whichever nations they chose but he questioned the South American country's priorities.

"I think in the meeting there was some suggestion of space travel by Venezuela," he said.

"We would note that the government of Venezuela was largely closed this week due to energy shortages and to the extent that Venezuela is going to extend resources on behalf of its people, perhaps the focus should be more terrestrial than extraterrestrial."

After that, Crowly reportedly extended his hand, dropped the mic theatrically, and waved his hand in front of his face yelling "FACE!!!" while head of the Bureau of Western Hemisphere Affairs, Assistant Secretary of State Arturo A. Valenzuela, yelled "You just got dealt on, Hugo!"

As of yet, Venezuela has not yet responded to getting diplomatically sizzerved. But when Hugo gets out of the library after researching some epic conspiracy that was heretofore unknown that we caused/controlled/covered-up for our benefit/South America's detriment/so as not to reveal how weak we truly are, we'll bring you the details. I'm betting it has something to do with mer-people, Atlantis, and just when the CIA commissioned El Ultimo Tectonico Diablo.

Ad of the day

This is from a Manhattan billboard for the company Weatherproof, which took an AP photo of Obama wearing one of its jackets on a trip to China, slapped their logo on it, and used it to advertise their company and what they're now marketing as "The Obama Jacket." Unsurprisingly this has provoked the ire of the White House, who notes that Obama isn't endorsing their company and that this all seems highly illegal. Nevertheless, the ad stays up because Weatherproof are intense assholes and complete media whores.

Now that Obama is pseudo-endorsing a jacket brand, what are other companies, like North Face or Columbia, going to do? Well if the These Bastards Marketing Consortium can offer a suggestion, we know one rugged world leader who would love to legally endorse a product in return for vast sums of money.


We're thinking the "Vladimir Putin Bear Skinning Knife", some sort of branded floppy hat or cargo pants, or perhaps some polonium lined boots. Drop us a line if you're interested.

Russia: saving our asses

Space. It may seem benign, what with all the pretty pictures of it we post in our picture of the day feature, but in reality it is a ticking time bomb of murder just waiting to lob some Texas sized kill rock at us in a wanton act of aggression. I know this. You know this. Science knows this. Most importantly: Russia knows this.

Out there, right now, some large chunk of debris is out there waiting to do to us what they already did to the dinosaurs. But where the dinosaur's asteroid deflection technology was laughably inadequate, ours is strong. You see, the thunder lizards didn't have Vladimir Putin.

In an interview today with Voice of Russia radio, Russia’s space agency chief said discussions would begin soon over a plan to save the world from a collision with a massive asteroid.

It’s not clear how, exactly, the Russians plan to deflect Apophis, a chunk of rock the size of two and a half soccer fields that was first discovered by astronomers in 2004. Anatoly Perminov, the space agency head, promised that there would be “no nuclear explosions” and that everything would be done “on the basis of the laws of physics.”

Astronomers initially guessed that Apophis had a reasonably good chance of smashing into Earth on its first flyby; NASA now reckons that the chances of that have gone from slim (one-in-45,000) to almost none (four-in-a million). But despite the lower NASA estimate, the Russians aren’t so sure. Perminov said the asteroid “will surely collide with the Earth in the 2030s.”

You can't fool the Russian with your mathematical projections and theoretical models. There is one thing that everyone in Russia knows: that fucking rock is going to fucking end life as we know it and it's up to their country to stop it. Sure, the asteroid absolutely won't hit us in 2029, but there's an infinitesimally small change that Apophis will hit a gravity well and swing back around for the kill shot in 2036. Sure the chance that it'll happen is about the same as you winning the lottery while being attacked by a shark that's being attacked by killer bees, but do you think Prime Minister Putin wears a chain-mail suit and a beekeepers outfit every time he scratches off an instant lottery ticket? For fun? No, because he doesn't trust the odds.

So don't worry about that asteroid you weren't worried about and science says that you should in no way be worried about. Russia has got a handle on it and they totally swear they won't fire nukes at it. How will they do it then? Don't know. Maybe Putin will be flown up into orbit shirtless and he'll allow the asteroid to collide with his brawny chest, destroying the interstellar nuisance. Maybe they'll attack rockets to Apophis and move it out of position. They'll probably just end up firing nukes at it. In any event, we at These Bastards commend Russia for taking unnecessary space action towards a non-existent threat. Someone has to do it.

Broken In Brief: State Department pretty sure it heard laughter when it told Russia about Afghanistan escalation

FOGGY BOTTOM—In the days since President Obama announced his plan to add an additional 30,000 troops to the war effort in Afghanistan, those within the diplomatic community aren’t certain, but are pretty sure that Russian ambassadors, ministers, and military establishment were giggling to themselves.

“You know, I’m not certain, but I swore I heard the Foreign Affairs Minister snort and then muffle the phone as he chortled to himself. I hadn’t even finished saying the world ‘escalation’,” explained Philip Gordon, the Assistant Secretary of State for European and Eurasian Affairs.

“But then when I confronted him about it, he assured me that it wasn’t the case, that what we were doing was a totally smart idea, and that he wished us well in our ‘brilliant and never before conceived-of endeavor.’ But during that last part his voice went all high pitched and his speech was halting, so I think he might have been trying not to laugh again. Must be some Russian joke.”

Indeed, reports are preliminary but it seems that most of the Russian establishment found the escalation of war in Afghanistan, a country with which they also had a previous conflict, to be of the utmost comedy.

Several ministers were reportedly treated in local hospitals from desk banging-related hand injuries. There are also rumors that one General had to be administered oxygen, and an expense report from the Foreign Affairs office cites a reimbursement request from a staffer for 14 pairs of slacks that had to be purchased due to “extensive soiling of several analysts’ original pants.”

In an effort to quell any diplomatic tensions, Prime Minister Putin was supposed to give an extensive speech praising America’s judgment, but stopped only a few sentences in before doubling over the lectern as tears streamed down his face. The Prime Minister did, however, manage to squeak out a terse “well done” before flashing a thumbs up and stumbling into the back room with both hands clasped over his mouth.

As of press time, the State Department, Defense Department, and White House were unable to see just what was so funny.

What the fuck?

Palin to Resign as Governor of Alaska

Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska announced Friday that she would step down by the end of the month and not seek a second term as governor, fueling speculation that she is trying to position herself as a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012.
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“We know we can effect positive change outside of government,” she said in making the announcement. Her official statement here.

Huh? Is she really just hanging it up for good? There are staffers saying that she isn't done with politics. Mary Matalin and Bill Kristol are out telling new outlets what a brilliant move Palin was making by quitting, which tells you one thing: you shouldn't let Matalin or Kristol advise you on anything. Lord knows I haven't given her much credit and I, as well as most people who have ever seen her, heard her, or really anyone with a functionally cognitive nervous system, found her to be be frighteningly dim. But even I can't believe she's dumb enough to quit midway through her term as Governor after a disastrous VP run and try to use it to springboard to a 2012 run, right? A half a term. Her farewell speech wasn't even competent, it was the barely lucid ramblings of an insane person.

Really? The whole plan is to spend time campaigning and talking about policy? No, she can't have that poor of a political sense. Something must be up. Some horrible news must be about to drop. Let's go to the odds:

1-2 : She is that dumb
4-1 : Has the same Argentinian lover as Mark Sanford
3-1 : Pregnant again...and so are Bristol and Willow
6-1 : David Letterman's constant jokes have broken her mentally
5-1 : Tasked by CIA to undertake secret mission to keep Putin from invading US mainland
10-1 : Thinks she has the chops to run Honduras
8-2 : Needs to devote serious training time to the Iditarod
2-1 : The Universe wanted to get Sean something good for his birthday, but didn't have any old, racist senators left to kill
5-1 : Has finally accepted that deep down, she is completely unqualified for any higher elected office
4-1 : Trying to make Katie Couric feel bad for all those mean spirited "Could you be more specific" gotcha questions during the campaign
3-1 : Alaska is just an awful place to live and she just can't take it anymore

Art of the day

Vladimir Putin's painting, titled "I am Vladimir Putin, Picasso is my concubine". It sold for $1.15 million smackeroos at a charity auction for kids with cancer. Unknown is if these kids had cancer because Putin exposed them to Polonium because they knew too much. It is the most expensive painting ever sold in Russia.

Putin laughs at your puny American economy

"Da, does anyone need...two ticket to show of guns?"

The World Economic Forum in Davos is providing many leaders with a platform to hold up a picture of former President Bush, a map of the US, and scream out "I blame them!" Of course they're pretty much right, but really, do you have to be so mean? But one man decided to take it to another level, as he always does. Russian Prime Minister and shadow President Vladimir Putin descended from his mountain fortress, rode into Davos shirtless on his pet tiger Ekaterina, and caught a assassin's bullet meant for Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao with his bare fucking hands. He then spoke, with a booming voice that echoed through the Swiss Alps.

Mr. Putin was characteristically blunt. He called for the development of multiple, regional reserve currencies in addition to the dollar. "Excessive dependence on a single reserve currency is dangerous for the global economy," Mr. Putin said.

The Russian leader mocked U.S. businessmen who he said had boasted at last year's Davos meeting of the U.S. economy's fundamental strength and "cloudless" prospects. "Today, investment banks, the pride of Wall Street, have virtually ceased to exist," he said.
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"The entire economic growth system, where one regional center prints money without respite and consumes material wealth, while another regional centre manufactures inexpensive goods … has suffered a major setback," Mr. Putin said.

It's hard for simple newsprint to convey just how Vladimir the Carpathian mocked Wall Street, but pool reports say he used a high pitched voice, scrunched up his face, and took on the affectations of a crippled little girl. He also created a walk to simulate how Wall Street would walk if it were anthropomorphized and pointed out people he thought were bankers in the audience and offered to wrestle them.

But taking the US dollar out of the reserve system, that's a pretty big gauntlet to throw down, and Putin should know, as he wears stainless steel gauntlets to block wayward sword strikes. That would mean a world of shit for the US economy, because if the world no longer accepts dollars as the world reserve currency, then we won't be able to finance our trade or budget deficit, plus US living standards would drop and maybe massive inflation would happen. I believe in economic terms this would be called 'getting F'd in the A'. Thanks George! So be wary America, not only is Vladimir the great, ravisher of Alaska, laughing at your banker boyfriends, he really wants to stick it in and break it off. Such is the life of a global overlord.

Putin is President forever

Vladimir Putin, oh how we love you. Currently sentenced to a term as Prime Minister and Shadow President because of the stupid Constitutional term limits of Russia is chafing at the lack of spotlight and important summits with his name on a placard. Thankfully Russia decided to remedy the problem. They've decided to change the Constitution.

Russia's President Dmitry Medvedev signed a law extending presidential terms from four years to six on Tuesday in a move seen as paving the way for Vladimir Putin's return to the presidency.

Medvedev's final endorsement of the legislation follows its quick approval by the Kremlin-controlled parliament and all of Russia's 83 provincial legislatures. The change won't apply to Medvedev's current term, due to end in 2012.

Putin was barred constitutionally from seeking a third straight term as president. He tapped Medvedev, his longtime protege, as his favored successor, ensuring a landslide victory in a March election.

Putin then became prime minister and leader of the United Russia party, which dominates the parliament.

Why does Putin want the Presidency back, is his human meat puppet not doing his bidding? Apparently yes. Putin fears an assertive President that isn't himself and Medvedev has decided the hand up his ass is chafing. So Putin pushes for a loophole that can give him another term and Medvedev has decided that with the recent economic crisis that Putin will get blamed, lose popularity, and Medvedev can be a real President with extra terms. Sounds like the plans of a man about to be poisoned by Polonium and lose a rigged election to Vladdy.

I hear we're going to put in a similar law, only pertaining specifically to a third term for Bush. Not to let him govern again, but just to be mean and fuck with him, make him think he'll have a shot to fix everything. In any case, if you were worrying, don't. Tiger owning, Georgia smashing, Wasilla menacing, shirtless demi-God Vladimir Putin is President forever.

Russian Christmas

Maybe you want that new fandangled iPod with the clicky wheel, or some damn bloop blorp video games with the horrible violence, or some lame shit like peace and love, or to not have syphilis anymore. Maybe you're a traitor to this country and it's Judeo-Christian founding and are worshiping the eight candle God or whatever the hell that's all about. But I know what we all wanted this Christmas: for Vladimir Putin to challenge our President-Elect by buying 70 new nukes while doing the Charleston on expiring treaties.

Russia is to increase sharply its production of strategic nuclear missiles, throwing down the gauntlet to the US president-elect, Barack Obama, who would have to deal with the Kremlin's response to US missile defence plans in Europe.

A senior government official in Moscow said the Russian military would commission 70 strategic missiles over the next three years. It was unclear whether sea-launched ballistic missiles were included in this figure, but military experts said it could represent up to a fourfold increase on the rate of production of land-based intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs).

The missiles would be part of a £95bn defence procurement package for 2009-2011, said Vladislav Putilin, a deputy head of the Russian cabinet's military-industrial commission in charge of weapons industries. Russia has produced only five to seven Topol-M ICBMs a year since the late 1990s and its stockpiles of several hundred heavy Soviet-era missiles such as the SS-19 Stiletto are rapidly reaching the end of their lifespan.

How much do you want to bet Vladislav Putilin is Vladimir Putin, but with a big phony mustache and a bowler hat as a disguise? But it's nice that Russia says it doesn't want to get left behind in a new nuclear arms race. I didn't know that we were in a new nuclear arms race, but there you have it, we are and we're behind. Merry Christmas, it's the Cold War!

The Bush Legacy

Vladimir Putin 'wanted to hang Georgian President Saakashvili by the balls'

With Russian tanks only 30 miles from Tbilisi on August 12, Mr Sarkozy told Mr Putin that the world would not accept the overthrow of Georgia’s Government. According to Mr Levitte, the Russian seemed unconcerned by international reaction. “I am going to hang Saakashvili by the balls,” Mr Putin declared.

Mr Sarkozy thought he had misheard. “Hang him?” — he asked. “Why not?” Mr Putin replied. “The Americans hanged Saddam Hussein.”

Mr Sarkozy, using the familiar tu, tried to reason with him: “Yes but do you want to end up like [President] Bush?” Mr Putin was briefly lost for words, then said: “Ah — you have scored a point there.”

There we go George, your legacy. You are now the diplomatic equivalent of "FACE!!!!!", brought up only to rub someone else's nose in shit, and are your policies are viewed as so toxic that it even gives men like Vladimir Putin pause. "You don't want to end up like Bush" is now a cautionary tale people use to strike at the vanity of politicians who want to get a little frisky with the military and laws of their country.

I'm glad someone learned something from these eight years, even if it is "You'll be severely unpopular if you do these things" and not "These things are morally and ethically wrong." Glad to have been a help.

Broken In Brief: Putin reveals powers of telepathy, flight, invincibility

LENINGRAD--After what he referred to as "unfortunate" news reports disclosed his ability to fend off tigers, kill with his pinky finger, and effectively retain absolute power despite constitutionally mandated term limits, Russian Prime Minister* Vladimir Putin revealed he is also telepathic, can defy gravity, and is impervious to virtually all conventional weaponry. Initial reports have indicated that these abilities were acquired without the aid of cheat codes.

Attention was first drawn to Putin's suspicious talents after he tranquilized an escaped Amur tiger in Russia's Ussuriisk Wildlife Preserve last month. This event, coupled with the recent release of an instructional Judo DVD, prompted journalists to delve further into Putin's foggy past. After a near-record twenty minutes of research, this reporter discovered that sources have on multiple occasions witnessed Putin traveling great distances at high speed without mechanical aid, as well as deflecting bullets with what appeared to be nothing more than bare hands and a steely gaze.

Further speculation suggested that Putin's superhuman talents are by no means contained to the corporeal. Added to the list of his otherworldly powers is the relatively obscure ability of "soul projection," which an expert who requested anonymity but claims to "have PhD's in psychology and parapsychology" credits with Putin having accomplished the otherwise impossible task of earning George W. Bush's approval by telling the US President exactly what he wants to hear.

*Note: Under Putin, the position of Prime Minister translates roughly to "King and God of All Every Everything Forever."

Putin: Judo King of Russia

Putin’s Tips for What to Do When Negotiations Collapse

Just weeks after Russia’s state-run media reported that Prime Minister Vladimir V. Putin had saved a news crew from a wild tiger, he is flexing his muscles again, this time in an instructional martial arts video.

A montage on Russian television of the white-robed prime minister body-slamming opponents accompanied the release of the video, “Let’s Learn Judo With Vladimir Putin,” in Mr. Putin’s hometown, St. Petersburg, on Tuesday.

First off, this is not a Broken News thing, this is inexplicably real. Putin saves people from tigers and puts out instructional videos on how to kick ass.

First tip: have black ops military strike teams poison your opponent with Polonium before he enters the ring. Second tip: kill any journalists that report this. Third tip: make a "Hiiiiiiiii-yaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" sound before flipping this terminally poisoned radioactive man onto the ground. If he refuses to fall, get the black ops team to arrange a heart attack from him later in the day. Leave, go out and save children from a menacing wildebeasts and return to your hollowed out mountain base in the Urals. Concieve of kung fu movies starring you and Tony Jaa.