Art of the day

The Pentagon officially unveiled the portrait of former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld in a ceremony on the 25th. The painting, which "shows Rumsfeld at his stand-up desk with a picture of first-responders and soldiers unfurling the flag over the still-burning Pentagon on Sept. 12, 2001", joins his other portrait from his tenure as Secretary in the seventies. That's right, this asshole has two portraits.

On the bright side, it was also relatively expensive by government portrait standards.

At the upper end of the scale, the Defense Department awaits the expected February completion of a $46,790 portrait of controversial former secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld.

Well, let's be clear, the portrait was supposed to cost $46,790 and be completed in only a few months, but due to poor planning, an insufficient amount of paint, Code Pink protests, and a host of unknown unknowns besieging the project, the painting spiraled out of control, ended up costing several billion dollars and taking several years to paint, and is still relatively unfinished. All in all, a fitting metaphor for his tenure. Also: they served snowflake shaped sugar cookies at the reception!

To turn this in an art critique blog for a second; the picture is fine and the 9/11 imagery befits the monomaniacal obsession with and co-opting of the attacks that the Bush Administration engaged in. But can I ask, what ever happened to the standard "man on a horse, pointing off into the distance... as if pointing at the future" style of portraiture? I would actually start to respect Rumsfeld if he comission a multi-million dollar, 20 foot wide painting of him, dressed as Napoleon, sitting on a chestnut mare in front of a battlefield. Maybe that can be Gates' portrait.

YEAH, RUMSFELD!!!!!

The Empire Provides Medical Benefits for Same-Sex Couples

The Secret Life of Toys by Argentine photographer, Marker.

Broken In Brief: Opera house tragically rebuilt after fire

SEATTLE—An overwhelming sense of grief descended upon the city today as the Civic Light Opera announced it had secured enough funding to commence rebuilding the Seattle Metropolitan Opera House, which burned down late last year in an electrical fire.

“It is with great sadness and regret that we announce that the local arts community, in conjunction with business leaders and the region’s moneyed elite, have cobbled together the financing required to rebuild the opera house. I’m sorry,” a shaken Giovanni Finnochio, director of the Seattle CLO announced.

“I know we had all hoped that this project would be abandoned and the money directed toward constructing a new sports arena so that we might lure an NBA franchise back to the city. But for now, that dream is dead,” said Finnochio, fighting back tears.

A somber and depressed mood seemed to permeate the crowd as most demographic representatives came to grips with the fact that they would be expected to buy tickets to support the rebuilt opera house. Indeed many local executives and upper middle class status seekers were cringing at the thought of enduring night after night of tuxedo rentals, dinners with their spouses, and the music, oh God, the unending dirge of classical music.

“If I wanted to see a bunch of Italians sing in Italian, I’d go to the local prison and check out the men’s choir,” said a distraught Jeffrey Logan, whose wife had already inquired about the possibility of purchasing a season pass.

“I just wanted to watch Kevin Durant ball,” he said as the emotion of the situation overwhelmed him. “Maybe even a hockey team. I’ll take anything: WNBA, roller derby, jai alai. But not this. Not this...”

As those nearby moved to console Logan, none could offer anything beyond cheap platitudes that did little to mitigate the fear caused by the continued assault of the arts on the sporting community.

Broken In Brief: Michael Bay begins pre-production on James Joyce’s Ulysses

HOLLYWOOD—In the wake of the release of the blockbuster Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, a film which, much to the consternation of anyone with taste, has grossed nearly $750 million dollars worldwide, director Michael Bay has announced his next project: an adaptation of James Joyce’s literary classic, Ulysses.

“I just want to prove to my critics that I’m not a dumbass and shit, that I recognize art as something other than the stuff I pay some gay-ass designer to put up on my walls,” said the man-child while sitting poolside atop his emaciated model throne at one of his multi-million dollar estates. “So I Googled ‘good books,’ and after finding out that they had already made the DaVinci Code, I stumbled onto a list made by some egghead fag who said Ulysses was the best, so I bought the rights. Now I'm gonna film this bitch.”

The script, written by Transformers scribes Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, has already jettisoned the novel’s complex structure in favor of a more linear, three-act form. They have also discarded Joyce's stream-of-consciousness method of describing protagonist Leopold Bloom's single-day journey through Dublin and replaced it with a descent into the criminal underworld of Hong Kong.

“Yeah, Joyce’s shit doesn’t really translate to film, so we’re improving it,” said Bay during a brief pause in the daily dark art ritual that honors his pact with Satan. “I mean, I only really scanned the top of the Wikipedia page for the book and that sounded boring. A bunch of shit about the Odyssey, which I haven’t read, and allegory, whatever that is. Fuck that with a stick.”

He continued “It did mention something about Modernism, so I think fans of the book will be happy that we will use the most modern pyrotechnics and CG techniques to realize Joyce’s vision. You know, stuff like the epic car chase between Bloom’s rogue ex-cop character and Stephen Dedalus’ international drug kingpin. Plus I saw a mention of jokes, puns, parodies, and allusions being a large part of the work, so I told the writers to add in a stereotypical, jive-talking, wise crackin’ black sidekick for Bloom, so as to better stress Joyce’s themes.”

Bay hopes to have his $200 million production of Ulysses ready for release in the summer of 2012.

High art

This...and so much more at the accurately titled Bad Paintings of Barack Obama website.

Video of the day

Mastodon - Oblivion

Mastodon is given control of NASA and wacky hi-jinks ensue. As per Mastodon video tradition they all hallucinate/trip balls, unleash evil with the power of RAWK~!, and are dead/murdered by the end. This follows their video for Divinations where they crash in the mountains and the power of their metal unfreezes an ancient caveman who wails out a solo then kills and devours the band.

I can't wait for video #3, I betting it will involve an exploring theme, the power of metal unleashing something horrible, and the band's gruesome killing at the hands of said beast.

I hate the fashion industry

A vest of Kermit dolls. This, along with Animal hand warmers, a Kermit-head scarf, and a Fozzie Bear hat, was among many of the designs of Jean-Charles de Castelbajac's fashion show.

This man creates Kermit vests, is a millionaire, and will die 100 times richer/more respected than you could ever conceive of being. Meditate on that and try not to kill yourself. I'm finding the proposition hard to resist at the moment.

Art of the day

Vladimir Putin's painting, titled "I am Vladimir Putin, Picasso is my concubine". It sold for $1.15 million smackeroos at a charity auction for kids with cancer. Unknown is if these kids had cancer because Putin exposed them to Polonium because they knew too much. It is the most expensive painting ever sold in Russia.

Tony Jaa wants to beat the everliving fuck out of you

With the Academy Awards nominations announced this week, we here at These Bastards Film Internationale+ would like to bring to your attention a film that will not be nominated for anything other than "Best Use of a Cheek and Finger to Throw a Guy Into a Shelf". There are no holocaust survival stories, no people learning lessons, no well written soliloquies showing realizations of deeply held emotions, and since she retired from the world of high stakes kung-fu stunt movies, no Dame Judy Dench. There is only Tony Jaa, beating the shit out of anyone who looks at him cockeyed in a semi-historical setting.

This is not a surprise, if you ever saw the original Ong Bak or Tom Yum Goong/Protector all they are are loose "plots" arranged around badass fight scenes where Jaa comes up with different means to unmercifully beat interns within an inch of their lives. Flying knees and elbows, flaming kicks to the head, getting kneed in the chest while hanging off a helicopter on top of a skyscraper, you and 50 of your buddies getting their limbs broken and dislocated one by one in one scene, nothing is too brutal for Tony to subject these lowly paid Indonesians to. See them. Enjoy them. They are all better than spending 3 hours watching Brad Pitt do Forrest Gump.

Know Grow Hope

From the good people at Chia comes the one thing we've all been waiting for: Chia Obama. Yes, show your family, friends, and neighbors that not only are you excited about the nation's first black President, but that the only way you know how to celebrate it is by growing weeds out of a grotesque terracotta characterization of his face. It comes in two flavors, happy and determined, so you can switch which one you display based on the state of the country an/or your general view of the President's mood. Ch-Ch-Ch-Change is here America.

Still not as good as the Mr. T one.

Art installation of the day

Above, an art installation by Czech artist David Cerny that's setting the European Union's panties ablaze. The 172 foot, 8 ton piece, titled Entropa, consists of all the EU countries depicted as toy pieces to be popped out and assembled. Bulgaria: a mass of floor toilets. France: on strike. Romania: a Dracula theme park. The UK: missing. Lithuania: urinating on Russia. These depictions have left some countries more or less pissed off, especially Bulgaria. They also seem to be mad because he lied about the piece, claiming it had been created by 27 artists from each country, when in fact it was done by him and two buddies. It is currently on display at the European Council building, but it is unknown what will happen to the piece after the official unveiling today, or if that unveiling will even occur.

Portrait of the day

The National Portrait Gallery today unveiled the painting of George Bush that they will assuredly hang in the bathroom. Maybe there's a Hall of Infamous Cretins they can put it in. The painting, done by Robert Anderson, will hang behind protective glass so you can get spit, urine, or any other bodily fluids on it.

Your childish Saturday afternoon diversion

via Unreality, Kids show/Rap mash-ups. Scrooge McDuck, pimp of the nation, skeet skeet skeet.

Picture of the day

via the NYT comes this scientific view of what the early Earth may have looked like. Apparently it looks like something you'd paint on the side of a conversion van in the seventies before driving a hundred miles to Detroit to get stoned of your gourd in the parking lot before that Kiss/Nugent double bill at the Joe Louis Arena. Stranglehold motherfuckers!

Painting of the day

From artist Brandon Bird, entitled "I AM THE NIGHT"

Hitlerware

From the world of porcelain guns, These Bastards is proud to present Charles Krafft's Disasterware. Using the technique of Delftware, Krafft has created a teapot that will brew tea to the Queen's standard, ghettoize your Fiestaware, and annex the Sudetenland. Take a gander at all his pieces, personal highlights are crucified Mickey and the God gun.

The Balladeer: Orrin Hatch

Apparently in his spare time Pittsburgh boy, Mt. Lebo Blue Devil, and Utah Senator Orrin Hatch writes vaguely gay Styx tunes to Ted Kennedy while weeping. Apparently they're great friends and John Kerry is pushing to get it played at the convention to send a 'message of unity'. Some of the lyrics:

Sailing home, sailing home. America, America, we’re headed home at last
Just honor him, honor him, and every fear will be a thing of the past …
Through the darkness, we can find a pathway, that will take us halfway to the stars
Shoo the shadows and doubts away, and touch the legacy that is ours, yours and mine.

Then Hatch kicks in with a killer drum solo that would totally make him and Neil Peart best friends if he ever heard it. Perusing through his Wiki, it turns out Hatch evens gets songwriting advice from Bono. Bono's advice: "Stop handing me your demo, I just want to talk about Africa. Fine I'll take it. Yeah, sure, I'll play it for the Edge. Can we talk about AIDS now?"

Hatch hopes to book some studio time to really pack in the awesome so he can really blow some fuckin' minds at the DNC convention. He hopes this can springboard him into a career he really wants.

Porcelain Pistol

Finally, via Yvonne Lee Schultz, a handgun that your grandmother would be proud to dangerously brandish in front of company. Poking it at you in a menacing manner while asking you why you aren't married or having kids yet. They are licensed replicas James Bond’s Walther PPK and they are cool as shit.

Sadly these are not real guns. If they were I would already be seen in a helicopter shot on the local news, terrorizing downtown Pittsburgh with one in each hand, wearing a top hat, spats, tuxedo and monocle, committing the fanciest crime in US history. As I am cut down in a hail of bullets trying to get into my escape zeppelin, all you will be able to think is......."God damn, that son of a bitch was classy. Was that a rose inlay on that gun he shot the schoolkids with?"

It was, dear readers. It was.

O'er the laaaaaand of the FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Finally they've found a way to properly memorialize our founding fathers in a manner befitting their wisdom and sacrifice.

That's American cheese. No Swiss, Gouda, or Brie will befoul George Washington. Take your Picasso's and throw them in the trash, we have cheddar Franklin now. These colors won't run, this cheese won't spread.