Quotes of the day

Now I know this may surprise some of you, but there is evidence that former President Bush might have been a childish, petulant asshole. I know it's surprising to think about, but a new book from former Bush speechwriter Matt Latimer has some Bush observations about other politicians that gives that impression.

On Barry:

"This is a dangerous world," he said for no apparent reason, "and this cat isn't remotely qualified to handle it. This guy has no clue, I promise you."

Who does he think he's talking to and about? A flapper at a 1920's swingin' jazz speakeasy about the uppity negro trumpeter? Who says 'cat'?

On Himself:

"You think I wasn't qualified?" he said to no one in particular. "I was qualified."

*clears throat awkwardly* Is it getting uncomfortable in here? I must say I do like the thought of Bush randomly walking the halls and shouting about his qualifications to potted plants and Lincoln's ghost.

On Hill-Dawg:

"'Wait till her fat keister is sitting at this desk,' he once said (except he didn't say 'keister')," Latimer wrote

Good thing that one got cleaned up. I want a President that illegally spies on the populace, tortures, bankrupts the country, and starts reckless wars, but I don't want one that refers to the posterior as anything other than 'fanny', 'bum-bum', 'rear', or 'heinie.'

On Sarah Palin:

"I'm trying to remember if I've met her before. I'm sure I must have." His eyes twinkled, then he asked, "What is she, the governor of Guam?"

"This woman is being put into a position she is not even remotely prepared for," he said. "She hasn't spent one day on the national level."

Trenchant observation, George. Except she was the less intellectual version of you, but without the famous daddy and plus a couple pairs of glasses. Project much? Maybe he was just finally getting a chance to vent about all the things he loathed about himself and his Presidency, but couldn't bear to admit to the random wait staff, receptionists, and paintings of former Presidents that he randomly barked out his qualifications to.

The book is called Bush Does the Dozens: America's Worst President Un-ironically Criticizes Everyone but Himself and should be out soon. Latimer should be out on a book promotion tour soon, vehemently apologizing and distancing himself from these quotes and revelations.

Broken News: Bloggers missing, presumed dead, after extensive journey up their own asses

PITTSBURGH—Local and state police, as well as Pennsylvania national parks authorities began what they deemed an "extensive search” for two area bloggers reported missing after what readers characterized as unprecedented journey up their own asses. While the search is only in its preliminary stages, privately law enforcement officials aren’t optimistic that the two self-styled satirists will be found alive, given the amount of time they’ve spent up their own asses, as well as the sheer rectal depths to which they have spelunked.

"At seven AM EST, local authorities, in conjunction with park personnel, have commenced a search for the two individuals known as 'Matthew' and 'Sean' of TheseBastards,” announced Allegheny Country Sheriff John Garrett. “While no one can be exactly sure how long these two men have been up their own asses, we do know they first ventured into the terrain over a year ago and have been making trips of increasing length and distance ever since. At this time we would like to assure the public and whatever friends or family member might still be speaking to these two that we will exhaust every resource in bringing them, or their twisted corpses, back in as few pieces as possible.”

While sources differ as to the exact moment the two verbal vagrants became ensconced in their rectal caverns, most of the dozen fans of their juvenile blog place the moment somewhere around the increased discussion of the health care debate in Washington and Ted Kennedy’s death. Supposedly this is when Matthew and Sean ventured so far up into their anuses that they became disoriented and have since been unable to find their way back out.

“I became concerned after their ‘Broken in Brief' piece on Ted Kennedy marked the third time in recent months that they had tastelessly mocked a celebrity on the very day of their death,” observed TheseBastards historian David Parkinson, referring to the duo’s short-form satirical news pieces to which site readers are regularly subjected after accidental Google mis-clicks during extensive searches for hermaphrodite midget amputee pornography. “After I perused some of their political opinions on the issues of the day I knew that they were irrevocably stuck in their own asses and so I placed the call to local wildlife and game wardens.”

It was at this point that officials from the Allegheny Sheriff’s Department were brought in. Maps were quickly drawn up and search teams were organized to look for the duo’s whose website reaches a total audience numbering in the hundreds per day, with committed readership reaching into the low thirties.

“Thankfully, the sheer size and vastness of their rectal cavities have assured us we will be able to bring in the requisite manpower and equipment,” observed Erin Winston, herself a warden for Pennsylvania’s Department of Parks, Recreation, Fisheries, and Esoteric Anal Substrata. “Luckily, the blogging revolution has given us plenty of experience with these sort of self-aggrandizing ‘my opinions are so important’, ‘aren’t I so clever’ types who go missing in their own keister.”

Indeed, after reading the first page of the duo’s missives local authorities were quick to declare a Level 7 National Review Rectal Event after Sullivan Levels proved to be off the charts. Much of the challenge of the next few days will be field testing advanced experimental equipment, such as rectal excavators, posterior terrain vehicles, gas masks, and aerial support vehicles modified to fly in such harsh environments, most of which was never bench tested after being rushed through development when rumors that Sean Hannity was going to start a daily blog began circulating earlier this year.

“But this is only the beginning. We also have to prepare for what happens if they’re found alive,” observed Dr. Heinrich Otto, Director of the Center for the Study of Internet Delusion at the University of Pittsburgh. “We have to engage in an intense deprogramming regimen so that they never again venture this far up their own asses. For Matthew and Sean, I suspect this will involve charts showing the various web traffic of sites they view and link to as compared to their own, a series of pieces from The Onion and Recoil that are objectively much funnier and more creative than anything on TheseBastards, and, if needed, a thorough dressing-down of all the childish political beliefs they hold, the impotency of their rage, and the mean-spiritedness of their observations. With extra emphasis on grammar, diction and spelling, of course.”

“That is...” Otto shrugged. “If they’re even alive. A cursory glance at the blog, which is all I could stomach, suggests they might well be all the way up their own asses. Perhaps even lodged in an intestine. We may never find them.”

For now, the search continues, with teams massing at the base of Matthew and Sean’s rectums and entering every hour, on the hour, to search their assigned anal grids.

“I just hope this serves as a warning to all you potential bloggers out there,” an angry Sheriff Garrett said. “Have some sense and go outside. Talk to another flesh-and-blood person. Smell a fucking flower or something. Most importantly, ask yourself, ‘does the world really need one more self-conscious political commentary blog with ham-handed satire?’ before you start traipsing around the outer border of your sphincter. It just might save your life.”

HBO Films presents "Ted Haggard: No Seriously, I'm Not Gay."

We all remember Ted haggard, right? The disgraced leader of the National Association of Evangelicals and pastor who got caught nailing rent boys in meth fueled orgies? Ring a bell? He's back, in a HBO documentary directed by Nancy Pelosi's daughter.

Disgraced evangelical leader Ted Haggard says in a new documentary that he still struggles with his sexuality yet is committed to his marriage for the sake of his children.
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He confessed to undisclosed "sexual immorality" and has said, "I really did sin."

The Gazette of Colorado Springs reported Thursday that in the documentary, Haggard talks about a lifelong battle with his sexuality _ and that he never claimed to be heterosexual.
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"The Trials of Ted Haggard," directed by Alexandra Pelosi, daughter of U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, is set to air Jan. 29 on HBO. The Associated Press reported Wednesday that Haggard has agreed to promote the documentary.

I don't know Ted, getting married, having kids, and living a couple decades of a lie seems like a pretty bold statement of heterosexuality. This looks good, he's going to continue to deny that he's gay, deny that he used drugs, and never come to any realization that his constant struggles are the very result of his self loathing and refusal to admit to himself who he is, so he should be A-OK going forward. Plus, he already said he was cured of homosexuality during his exile, so everything is all right. He's totally not going to commit suicide in the next few years. 

Ted, the sin is one of massive hypocrisy, not having "the gay". Anyway, next month get ready for some discomfort and self delusion. Trailer here.