Down with the union!

Look we all know that health care reform is many things. A nefarious conspiracy to murder the Greatest Generation, a liberal communist socialist plot to retroactively rape the founding fathers, Nazism, an affront to God, and the personification of all various forms of wars, atrocities, historical black marks, and the work of evil men.

In recent days we've been getting even more specific criticisms of what reform is like. Lindsay Graham mused that it was just like when the dirty japs got all liquored up on sake and made kamikaze runs on our warships. Glenn Beck disagreed. He feels that reform is like when the dirty japs bombed us at Pearl Harbor. In any event I think we know one thing: the passage of health care is a revenge plot from Emperor Hirohito, Japan sucks, and Sunday might just be the day that lives in infamy.

But Rep. Paul Broun of Georgia has other ideas. Health care reform is like the bloodiest conflict in US history... but in a bad way.

BROUN: If ObamaCare passes, that free insurance card that’s in people’s pockets is gonna be as worthless as a Confederate dollar after the War Between The States — the Great War of Yankee Aggression.

OK, that wasn't so much a critique of health reform as it was a cheap way to get indignant about Lincoln. Free insurance card? What the hell is that? Plus, the reason Confederate money was so worthless is because they lost the Civil War. By the way, that's what we call it: the Civil War. Or, alternately, the Great War of Southern Treason. In any event, this marks an improvement in Broun's rhetoric as he previously was warning his constituents about how Obama had taken the necessary steps to declare martial law and rule as a dictator.

Maybe this is just part of a new "late 19th century Reconstruction-era racism" bent to health reform criticism. Many have taken up calling reform reparations for black people. Like Glenn Beck. Becuase if there's one thing worse than the descent into socialism, it's the idea that the descent into socialism will result in blacks getting stuff, which is against the founding principles of this country.

So let me reassure the Broun's, Beck's, and Limbaugh's of the world: even if health reform does pass whites will still have considerably more shit than black people. Regrettably though, the South will still have lost the Civil War. So there's a positive and negative flipside to that coin. Sorry, and might I add: THE UNION FOREVER!

Hyperbole

Beware Republican Senators and Governors who have only a half-remembered sense of history and high school sophomore English. With the passage of health care upon us -- totally, for real this time, no take backs -- GOP opposition has moved from huddling for warmth with tea partiers to making bad historical and literary analogies about the oncoming flood of marginally better health coverage that we're all going to receive.

Up first is Lindsay Graham, off fresh from Sunday talk show hysterics complaining that two similar things aren't similar, who looks at the push to pass health care and sees in the eyes of Nancy Pelosi... the Yellow Peril!

"Nancy Pelosi, I think, has got them all liquored up on sake and you know, they're making a suicide run here," Graham said Monday during a call to the Keven Cohen Show on WVOC radio in Columbia, S.C.

Yes, because when the Japanese were ramming zeroes into aircraft carriers, it typically resulted in the betterment of health care conditions in the immediate area for all sailors. Truthfully, if anything is going to sink this country it's a reform plan that expands access, cuts costs, and cuts the deficit. It's just a shame the Speaker had to get Barney Frank drunk, tie one of those rising sun bandannas to his head, and yell "banzai" as he careened into the House floor to ram his body into the voting area, causing it to burst into flames. Surely there was a better way.

On the other hand, a jobless ex-Senator and an Argentinian hiking enthusiast who is inexplicably still with a job decided that they were going to brush off some Shakespeare studies they kind of remembered to make reference to a date they realized just happened.

Sanford released a statement earlier saying that today -- March 15 -- is the day Julius Caesar was murdered, sometimes known as the Ides of March. The day is usually associated with a sense of foreboding, and Sanford warned the public to be wary of health care reform.

Trent Lott agreed today on Fox News: "Shakespeare warned us to beware the Ides of March. That's today, and I have a very ominous feeling about what's fixing to happen on health care votes."

So you're worried that a bunch of crooked Senators are going to murder the leader of this country with knives on the Senate floor in an attempt to overthrow the government? Because that's what happened of the Ides of March. The day isn't associated with a sense of foreboding, Mark; it's associated with the murder of Julius Caesar. But if this isn't just a bad metaphor and you know something more specific about that crazy look in John McCain's eye, you should speak up. Just a warning though, this is going to end with Sasha Obama as President, tasked with hunting down the conspirators with Joe Biden in Macedonia, right? Just so we're clear.

So be forewarned, this health care battle is not only like a suicide attack, but it's also going to result in a child President ganking a Republican senator in Phillipi after a coup. It's going to be a hectic next few days, I only hope this country can survive a moderate ascension on the WHO health rankings.

Welfare wagons

As if you needed another reason to support health care reform, ComicMix shows us another: Superman is for it. I mean sure, he's a border jumping illegal alien freeloader with a forged birth certificate who seems to be in the throes of a full on communist fever whilst he loosely advocates for single payer health care, but he does make a point. Even if he does wear his underwear on the outside of his pants and flagrantly violates our air traffic control laws.

I must say I do prefer his socialist rantings to his racist foreign policy and Asian abuse platform.

Scarborough Country renamed Classytown

Matthew was rightly salivating earlier over the prospect of some truly epic "What the-- what the FUCK?" moments from conservative talking heads in the coming years. Apparently Joe Scarborough reads These Bastards because this morning, in response to Mika Brzezinski's comment that it was so cold her car door froze shut, Joe mused:

"Oh, American car. That's the problem," Scarborough declared: "The American car -- you know what? It's probably some Japanese engineer that made the key hold -- just sabotaged us. Kinda like blowing up things at Pearl Harbor."

Yes, Joe. It is exactly like that. Hide your virgins, roundeye.

Video below the fold.