Deliberate Denial of a Superior Story

From Geoff Boucher's must-read interview with Gary Kurtz:

The discussed ending of the film that Kurtz favored presented the rebel forces in tatters, Leia grappling with her new duties as queen and Luke walking off alone “like Clint Eastwood in the spaghetti westerns,” as Kurtz put it.

And now comes this...

Sweet lord, I hate George Lucas.

It's hard out there for a Sith

It's been five years since the Prequels, residuals are drying up, and kids just want to talk about the Clone Wars series. Then, at Comic-con, everyone is lining up to meet the Avengers and some son of a bitch stabs you in the eye. So a Sith Lord has to take drastic steps to make some cash.

He can't even afford a good ride.

Picture of the day

In honor of the eclipse that happened over the weekend (...in the Pacific, so it's like it didn't actually happen at all) Gizmodo put up these shots of eclipses taken from somewhere other than the Earth looking up at the sun.

Try to pretend those large looming shadows aren't a fully armed and operational battle station orbiting the planet.

Star Wars was right

There is sound in space. Specifically from the sun. So says the University of Sheffield.

Well, it's a little bit Ambient 1: Music for Airports era Eno, but it's still pretty cool. For those of you wanting a translation, the sun is singing "I AM THE SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" It's just variations on that definitive declaration of awesomeness.

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Gregg Peltz's Victorian Star Wars portraits

Health care overlord Comrade Obama has unleashed his health care scheme on us. Now he has informed us of the exact schedule of and options we will have under the oppressive bootheel of his socialist scheme. Healthcare.gov gives people the rundown on the new health care policy, from the exact time the spirit of Lenin will possess your youngest child, to the brainwashing camp schedule, to when you can schedule the shock troops to kick in your door and stick grandma with a Bowie knife.

Talking Points Memo recounts the saga and details of the Russian spy ring and finds them lacking. Almost comically inept. From not actually getting any useful information, handing over their equipment to undercover FBI agents, to stating their address as 99 Fake Street, they weren't struggling to make the Russian espionage hall of fame. Not that any of this matters, this is all a viral marketing scheme for Salt... OPENING JULY 23RD!

All throughout this massive global financial crisis, we have been able to say one thing: we may have a government rife with banking shills and financial conglomerate insiders, but at least they're working for us. Like, putting us on the hook for billions of dollars worth of worthless Bear-Stearns assets... and then lied to Congress about it. So lets see, that makes it Bernanke, Geithner, most of the White House, every elected Republican, significant chunks of House Democrats, and every key Democrat in the Senate working to largely look out for the interests of the financial industry over citizens. Goddamn, Boehner was right... that's not nearly enough protection for the financial industry.

Soccer is taking hold, America. Sure, the US National Team, as is typical, shit itself about a round before it should have to realistically maximize this World Cup, but it's making inroads. How do we know? Landycakes' winner against Algeria broke the intarwebs and all associated internetting tubes. It was officially the biggest driver of internet traffic ever. Socialized medicine, liberals in charge, and gay no hands/no hitting sports taking over our consciousness? We're almost Europe, people. Or, alternately, a third world country if you follow John Oliver's math. If we don't eat sufficient amounts of red meat and blow up large chunks of this country over the weekend, we're essentially indistinguishable from Portugal.

We would like to join the world in wishing legendary effects maestro Ray Harryhausen a happy 90th birthday. Your Clash of the Titans still looked more real than this summer's Clash of the Titans. In honor of the man, here are fighting skeletons.

Video of the day

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Star Wars political cartoons... is that something you might be interested in?

How little have our elected betters learned from our horrific financial apocalypse? Almost nothing. The latest example is the Herculean struggle Al Franken is currently going through to get the Senate to maybe consider the fact that the financial sector getting to choose the agency which rates its products creates rather a large conflict of interest. On the side of randomizing the selection process: people who are smart. On the side of keeping things as is and trusting our financial betters won't game a shoddy system: a probable filibuster proof majority of Senators. Remember to put on your surprised faces when our next financial collapse comes.

Comically oil executives took to the Hill today to explain all the ways in which they were not like BP in their offshore drilling practices. The main differences? Uhhh.... they aren't named BP and none of them has a drilling rig named Deepwater Horizon. One candid moment was when the executives basically admitted they had no way to handle massive offshore spills. Oh really? I think we've noticed that lo these past two months.

People have started to call bullshit and nakedly manipulative bullshit on the timing and PR strategy behind the whole "Afghanistan has trillions in resources! We'll all be rich... RICH!!" story from yesterday. C'mon. How are we supposed to feel good about this war or as if we're getting something out of it if they don't trump up old shit the Soviets were trumping up in 1985... when they we in the midst of an unproductive slog in Afghanistan? Just keep telling yourself "Just a few more years of fighting... then we'll all be rich."

Were you wondering who was cheering for North Korea today during their 2-1 defeat at the hands of Brazil? It certainly wasn't any North Koreans. No, the Chinese government flew in supporters specifically for the purpose of cheering for Kim Jong-Il's future waterslide park invitees/torture victims (depending on how the tournament goes). Commies stick together. Maybe China can fly in some soccer supporters to the US after our team invariably is eliminated before the semis and we lose interest in the sport for another 4 years.

Media Matters has gone to the trouble of picking out choice excerpts from Glenn Beck's new fiction thriller/Randian teabagging circle jerk... The Overton Window. Amongst the gems; "rule number one is, don't tease the panther", various meandering/awful sections of prose, bizarre asides about the flat tax and Bill Clinton, examples where Glenn doesn't seem to remember things his own characters have done, and a Star Wars reference so hackneyed it would make Kevin Smith cringe. Essentially it's a less funny version of his "serious" non-fiction books. Anyway, it doesn't compare to the liberal writing brilliance of Who Blog In Darkness.

In closing, your daily "Oh shit, we're fucked" oil flow estimate is 35,000 to 60,000 barrels a day. Up from the 20,000 to 40,000 from last week. It doesn't really matter; at this point it's like having third degree burns over 100% of your body and complaining about the sniffles.

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From Buzzfeed's Annotated Guide To Images From The Anti-BP Movement

In We All Know This Intuitively news the AP has kindly revealed that 58% of all the judges in areas affected by the BP spill have financial ties to the oil industry. Seems low. Just wanted you to know that in case you were getting any ideas in your head about "They'll get theirs through the legal system." Nah, kid, nah.

Breaking from years of established US government and official New World immigration policy, Native Americans have been allowed a legal victory that will seemingly come without betrayal from the white man, smallpox blankets, mass slaughter, some horribly inhumane forced resettlement, or a cloying portrayal as cat people in a James Cameron movie. It seems some in the justice system have forgotten the principles this country was founded on: fucking over Indians at all costs. Hopefully this is stopped before they gain the sense and legal standing to get justice on all that other stuff we, by which I mean all the white people who were here before my ancestors immigrated here, did to them.

With all the reports of environmental calamity coming from the Gulf, it's hard not to consider the worst case scenarios for the entire region, economy, and wildlife. But what about considering the worst case scenario for BP? Thankfully Andrew Ross Sorkin goes through what might happen and the possible future is quite a theoretical delight. Bankruptcy, cleanup costs going over $20 billion, $15 billion in claims, billions in Clean Water Act fines, Tony Hayward being pushed into a wheat thresher and then having pig excrement rubbed in his wounds, endless litigation, an unrepairable reputation, and BP being forced to break itself up are all possible options. All of them might happen. I'm crossing my fingers for the wheat thresher one. Just keep thinking positive and they all might happen.

In Punishing the Whistle-blowers, Not the Criminals They Expose news, the US Intelligence analyst who exposed the video of helicopter gunmen essentially murdering innocent civilians was arrested. It's nice to know what our priorities as a country are: arrest people who expose wrongdoing; let the perpetrators who flagrantly breaks laws off scot free while continuing their illegal policies. We have an awesome country.

Rolling Stone has put up an article on the BP oil spill and the Obama response. It should essentially be titled The Shit You Should Actually Be Mad At Obama Over. It goes over the hiring of cronies, the failure to reform MMS, and all the other problems we pointed out before. It'd be a good place for our media to start taking a look. But instead we'll continue to get stories about whether Obama needs to get angrier, the crisis over Obama not showing enough anger, and now: did Obama show too much anger when he said "know whose ass to kick" on the TV? Like I said, our priorities as a country are just super.

In closing we leave you with a review of Willow Ufgood/Wicket's biography Size Matters Not.

Picture of the day

This year heralds one of the most important anniversaries in human history. No, not you Argentina. Go fuck yourself and your bicentennial. I'm talking about the 30th anniversary of the release of the Empire Strikes Back. As such, Lucasfilm is engaging in a large orgy of self-congratulatory back patting in recognition of this event.

They're even releasing rare, never before seen behind the scenes photos of the film. Like these. There are many more, but we've decided to include the ones entitled Character People Obsess Over Based Entirely on His Design, Old Man Abuses Voice Actor, Spoiler Alert, and Learning How These Films Were Made Reveals A Lot of Surprisingly Cheap Methods and Largely Ruins the Magic.

The Empire Provides Medical Benefits for Same-Sex Couples

The Secret Life of Toys by Argentine photographer, Marker.

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Art I wish was real of the day

Cédric Delsaux's StArt Wars via Amusement Magazine. There's an interview on the site where he talks about the project, but it's in French and I couldn't understand a word. I think it said something about my mother smelling of elderberries...

Anyway, I would kill all of you for a Millennium Falcon, AT-AT, or battle droid. Know that.

Video of the day

From Casey Pugh and the Star Wars Uncut Project comes "The Escape," a teaser from the finished Star Wars Uncut: A New Hope movie.

What is the Star Wars Uncut Project? Only an attempt to cut together 15 second segments of the Star Wars films with the original audio but with user created and submitted video ranging from high end re-enactments, to on the cheap basement re-enactments, to stop-motion Lego re-enactments. Their version of A New Hope is done and set to premiere on the 19th.

Enjoy.

Picture of the day

A rejoinder to NYMag's A History of Obama Feigning Interest in Mundane Things, comes Dean Trippe's Barack Obama Looking at Awesome Things.

Yub nub!

House Approves Landmark Bill to Extend Health Care to Millions



Or, alternately...



Your mileage may vary.

And now a weary nation turns it's eyes to the Senate and asks itself "How are they gonna fuck this up?"

Picture of the day

Photographer Mike Stimpson recreates famous photos from history using the magic of Lego. Just part of his larger photographic work with Legos and, most importantly, Star Wars Legos.

The Empire

What is this? Is it merely a look at the cupola window that NASA installed on the International Space Station so that astronauts could better gawk and gander at the earth below? Or is it merely evidence that we hold in our possession a Sienar Fleet Systems modified TIE Advanced Starfighter AS FLOWN BY DARTH VADER HIMSELF!?


I say yes. The ISS has been made into a TIE Fighter in fitting with NASA's goals of fashioning itself into the space battle arm of our new Galactic Empire. I say we skip past a new space shuttle or rocket system and move straight on to the Imperial Star Destroyers.

Furthermore These Bastards would like to commend NASA for making actual space more like the space we remember from the sci-fi films of our youth. We know you're doing real science up there, but it doesn't really count for us unless we can make PEWPEWPEW laser sounds and whooshing starship engine sounds while we crash together toys we're at least two decades too old to be playing with.

You're up next, genetics industry. Make a wookie.

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My new favorite legal defense: "Toyota did it"
When Koua Fong Lee's Camry shot up an interstate off-ramp and caused a crash that claimed three lives in 1996, the jury refused to believe his preposterous tale about the car accelerating on its own and he was sentenced to eight years in PMITA Prison. Yeah, they might have to revisit this one. And a few others.

Zombie lawsuit rises from the judicial grave
More mystery and intrigue from Minnesota as the U.S. Court of Appeals rules in favor of seven zombified consumerism protesters who are seeking damages from their detention by Minneapolis police in 2006. No word yet on whether the protest in question also satirized misogyny, racism, small-group dynamics and/or the military industrial complex.

The Senate's got 290 problems, but a bitch ain't one
For all the grief rightly directed at Congress on this blog, we have to give credit to the House where credit is due. During this legislative session, the House has passed 290 bills that have yet to make it through the Senate. In fairness, some of these are rubber-stamp horseshit measures of the highest order. Others are silly things like The TARP Reform and Accountability Act, the TAA Authorization Act and The Wounded Veteran Job Security Act. No big deal, really.

Jeb Bush has no sense of irony
In an interview with Newsmax, former Florida governor Jeb Bush said of Sarah Palin, “I don’t know what her deal is. My belief is in 2010 and 2012 public leaders need to have intellectual curiosity." That this was being said by a lifelong Republican and brother of the least intellectually curious president since James Buchanan does not seem to have been mentioned in the interview. But that's why you have us.

A-Rod goes deep, Wang hurt
To finish on a lighter note, here is a collection of headline fails put together by the Huffington Post. Happily, the collection includes perhaps the greatest headline ever: Skywalkers in Korea Cross Han Solo.

TheseBastards Endorsement: Admiral Akbar

The brave students of Ole Miss have been tasked with selecting a mascot to replace Colonel Reb, the former Rebels' luckbringer. The early frontrunner is famous trap-detector and hero of the Battle of Endor, Admiral Akbar.

Venture to notatrap.org to lend support.

Headline of the day

Skywalkers in Korea Cross Han Solo

Of course it's about wire walkers being invited to cross a Korean river as part of a competition. But for just a second there... I was really worried that Luke and Leia had a blowout with everyone's favorite rogue smuggler and wookie aficionado.

Why yes, I am a huge loser. Why do you ask?