Broken in Brief: Scientist ominously says ‘oops’

MIDLAND—It was at 10:15 this morning when Dr. Gerald Jenkins, head of Research and Development at the Dow Chemical Corporation, turned abruptly and knocked a corked beaker full of an unnamed chemical substance off of his workstation and onto the floor, shatter the vial into thousands of pieces and exposing its contents to the world.

After surveying the damage, a shocked and bewildered Jenkins could only be heard to mutter a terse and ominous “…Oops.”

As word of the event and the substance itself spread through the facility, colleagues could only be heard to offer up deep worried gulps, long vacant stares into the distance, and glassy-eyed looks at family portraits.

“Jenkins, huh,” asked co-worker and fellow research chemist Dr. Ellen Dennet. “At 10:15 you say? And it’s 11 now? My, my, my. It wasn’t the blue liquid, was it?”

After being informed that it was, if fact, the blue liquid, Dennet could only use a nearby table to keep herself standing upright before gravely intoning “We never really had a chance then, did we?”

As reports spread that Jenkins had spilled the blue liquid, most seemed resigned to what would happen over the next few agonizing hours. Though some inside still held out hope that internal projections and tests on the liquid would prove to be too pessimistic, offering hope for those living, for now, on the continents closest to the heavily fortified research facility.

For his part, all Jenkins could do was nervously tug around his collar and say “Well…. that’s that. I bet I get blamed for this.”

As of press time, Dr. Jenkins isn’t even going to clean up the broken glass, reportedly stating “There’s no sense in doing things like that….. Not now, anyway.”

FINALLY!

The most carefully copy-edited scientific term in recent memory has been properly botched!

[via skepchick]

Broken in Brief: Army rethinking decision to weaponize lethal, unstoppable, uncontrollable, self-replicating life form

FT. BRAGG--In what is being described as both an “Oops” moment and a bio-engineering disaster that threatens most of the Southeastern coast, the United States Military has announced that it is beginning to re-think it’s decision to create the now escaped ZR-T957 xenomorphic lifeform it had planned to employ as an relentless military killing force.

“We are now beginning to understand the criticisms we dismissed as pussified nonsense during the planning and testing stages,” admitted Colonel Gerald Donner, officer in charge of both the initial Project: Colossus genetic engineering foray and the current statewide capture/kill mission.

“We laughed at team geneticist Dr. Goldblum when he told us that playing God in such a reckless manner would have dangerous and deadly consequences for the world at large. I would just like to officially announce that boy, is there egg on my face. I would also like to openly reach out to the doctor in the hopes that he would come and help lead an elite team of scientists and soldiers into the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, which the creatures now entirely control.”

The ZR-T957 lifeforms, dubbed "Flesh Reavers" by those working on the top secret project, were initially designed for strategic urban warfare situations. But they quickly proved adaptable to any environment or situation, surpassing even the most horrid machinations of the design team. The nightmare monsters, reportedly conceived as a cocktail of the very worst characteristics of the xenomorph from Alien, a bison-sized Cthulu, and Gary Oldman’s drug-addled DEA agent Stansfield from the Professional, quickly grew out of control and escaped in the early hours of the morning.

“Again, we are really, really sorry,” said a distressed Col. Donner while contemplating whether or not to pin a hand-scrawled "SINNER" sign to his chest and put a gun in his mouth. “Maybe we should have stuck with robots after all..."

The Army released a detailed three-step plan to be implemented by citizens should they cross paths with one of the creatures. If no readily available means of suicide is available, the best tactic is to make one's peace with God and go limp. Added Col. Donner, "They only prolong the unspeakable pain if you struggle.”

For now the army is asking for people to pray that the use of tactical nuclear strikes eradicates the creatures. Failing that, they stress preparation for a total evacuation of the east coast so that firebombing may commence in earnest.

Who could have foreseen (again)?

Below is a housing chart produced by Yale economist Robert Shiller. Hard to see how it all could have gone so wrong...


Courtesy of "The Burning Platform" by James Quinn

Broken News: NORAD Verifies UFO downed over northern Canada

Aerial footage of wolves tearing at the charred carcass of "Fat Man"

CHEYENNE--A spokesperson for the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) today confirmed reports that the organization had, in fact, intercepted, pursued and shot down an unidentified flying object that briefly entered airspace above Ellesmere Island in the northernmost part of Nunavut Province.

Speaking from a prepared statement, Gen Ralph Y. Timmons explained, "At approximately 0400 hours we received confirmation that an unidentified craft had entered airspace above northern Canada. The object appeared and disappeared several times, always completing a wide pass through the northernmost area of our surveillance, almost as though it were engaging in some sort of reconnaissance mission or, perhaps, test flight."

Asked to describe the vehicle, Timmons would say only that it did not resemble anything encountered before by either the United States or Canadian Air Defenses. "The craft was approximately four meters long by two meters high, manned by a single pilot and propelled by some sort of pulling mechanism in the front that seemed to consist of nine roughly equal parts, the foremost of which featured a bright red device, clearly used for navigational purposes."

First responders, who required several hours to reach the scene via plane, boat, dogsled, boat, boat, another dogsled, and feet, reported finding little more than what appeared to be antler shards, scorched felt, smoldering wooden trains, a severed foot with a bell-tipped slipper on it, burnt cookies, reams of parchment, and what metallurgists later identified as small concave spheres of copper with smaller balls of copper inside them.

"All I know is, it was big and it was coming at us," said F-14 pilot Captain Earl C. Graffigan. "After it spent thirty seconds beyond the zero line, I had orders to kill it. And that's what I did."

Away from the wreckage, nearly 100 yards from the crash site, were the burning remains of one large figure and two smaller sized creatures. According to site forensics it appears the two smaller creatures were trying to pull the larger one, perhaps their leader, away from the burning debris.

A field autopsy estimated the larger creature was in excess of 400 pounds, based on the heat of the fire, as well as the amount of charred and rendered fat in the area. Forensics have determined that due to the amount of fire and fuel provided by the large creature, dubbed Fat Man 1 by medical examiners, the fire burned uncontrollably and engulfed the smaller creatures, christened Small Man 1 and Small Man 2. As of yet no usable tissue has been recovered from Fat Man 1, but preliminary tests on Small Man 1 and 2 have revealed no traces of human DNA, prompting forensic experts to assume the Small Men might have used the Fat Man as a pressurized traveling vessel or meat suit.

Lieutenant Hermando Guitierrez, a flight instructor with the 21st Space Wing at Peterson Air Force base, later added, "We hope that this incident, though tragic, will reinforce the perception amongst America's enemies that we do not sleep, that we are always watching our borders. And that those who enter illegally will be punished."

When asked to speculate on who or what had attempted to penetrate American air defenses, Lieutenant Guitierrez would not go on record. He would only confirm that world radar networks always saw these kinds of disturbances near the end of the year and that whatever was trying to breach US air defense might have been hoping to take advantage of the holiday distraction.

Guitierrez was also quick to laud President Bush, whose global War on Terror justified the investments into tracking and surface-to-air missile technology that allowed this object to be so quickly hunted down and reduced to smoldering ash.

Guitierrez continued, “Look, we want everyone to have a wonderful holiday and be assured that America is watching out for you. And for all the kids out there, we promise the skies will be clear and safe when Santa makes his rounds tonig-- Oh, fuck. What have we done? THIS PRESS CONFERENCE IS OVER! GET OUT! ALL OF YOU!"

We agree with them, except when we both don't

Here's some nice work by Ben Armbruster over at ThinkProgress detailing just how inept and off-message the McPain campaign has been in its reaction to the Bush Administration's insistence that, because its namesake requires some modicum of positive legacy in the form of a fragile, ham-handed nuclear deal, North Korea is suddenly good people.

The administration’s move quickly split the McCain-Palin ticket. John McCain issued a preemptive statement on Friday expressing his displeasure with the agreement...

When asked about the deal on Saturday, McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin — trying desperately to demonstrate her own foreign policy competence — offered a contradictory response...

Read a sharp journalist paying attention HERE.