Oh that rascally Bush Administration

The Matt Latimer book on the end of the Bush Administration is coming up on its release date and boy does it look like a hell of a read. In previous installments we learned that Bush had no idea what the bailout bill was about and that he likes to talk shit on everyone that isn't himself. Now we're learning about all the numerous anecdotes, foibles, and shenanigans of the rest of the gang...shenanigans that led to a couple wars, a couple hundred thousand dead, a couple Constitutional violations, a bit of torture, a sprinkle of police state, and stewarding over the complete collapse of the economy. But at least we can look back and laugh.

Donald Rumsfeld had to be talked out of editing his own entry on Wikipedia, which he referred to as "Wika-wakka."

Oh, that Rumsfeld. This almost makes up for not planning out those wars. I think we can definitively state he spent more time trying to edit his own Wikipedia page that planning the Iraq invasion. But the fact that we can imagine him walking around his office raging about "the bleggers" on "the intertubes" smearing him on "the Wikka-wakka" before having to be physically pulled away from the edit page blunts that pain a little.

"Karl spread rumors through the White House that one of Obama's potential vice presidential running mates -- and a United States senator -- had beaten his first wife. 'Karl says it's true,' the president assured a small group of staffers. Then knowing Karl, he quickly added, 'Karl hopes it's true," reports Latimer.

I'm disappointed. This is such a rote and obvious depiction of evil. I guess I just had expected more creativity in the dark deeds Karl performed.

For a commencement address at Furman University in spring 2008, Ed Gillespie wanted to insert a few lines condemning gay marriage. Bush called the speech too "condemnatory" and said, "I'm not going to tell some gay kid in the audience that he can't get married."

See, this is only a partial quote. It ends with "...but if everyone in my party wants to and Karl wants to run a 2004 re-election campaign around it, who am I to stop them? Someone want to get me a pretzel?" I think that's the very definition of moral courage.

There's more, like Bush's reaction to Larry Craig, the Administration deciding to sleight Colin Powell by reminding everyone he used to work there, the unending petty war between Maine's senators, and the testimonial adventures of "the fucking stupidest guy on the face of the earth." This is really going to be one of those "laugh....then slowly stop laughing as your rage boils up and you angrily throw the book down" kind of books.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.27

Ted Kennedy On The Rocks
Michael Kelly's epic 1990 GQ profile of a thoroughly soused, jittery, puffy, red, whiskey soaked Ted Kennedy. Of note: numerous scenes of public drunkenness, a drunken back of the restaurant sex session, how Cape Cod really didn't consider it summer until Ted had driven his car on the sidewalk for the first time, and the work in the Senate and issues Kennedy was fighting for while carrying a blood alcohol level of .99. Great read.

Why Hunter Thompson passed on the O.J. trial
Jon Freidman talks to former San Francisco Examiner editor Phil Bronstein about one of the greatest things to ever not happen: Hunter S. Thompson covering the OJ Simpson trial with the official mandate of "try anything". It then devolves into a discussion as to why the newspaper industry is dying. Bah! This HST tidbit needs to be gone over in much more detail. Imagine the possibilities.

It's time to forgive Pete Rose for his sins against baseball
With Hall of Fame voting upcoming and the recent readmission of Michael Vick to the NFL, now comes the deluge of "Let Pete Rose into Cooperstown" columns. The premise this time? That making him wait 20 years to get into the hall after betting on baseball games he managed is punishment enough. Yes, mildly inconveniencing a man for violating the only rule that MLB posts up in locker rooms, is sufficient punishment. I think everyone underestimates baseball's wonderful reputation for grudge holding. Just ask Shoeless Joe Jackson, or, wait 40 years and ask Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, and Sammy Sosa.

The 50 most-viewed Wikipedia articles in 2009 and 2008
And what did we learn this year? That Hitler (#17) is always more popular than Vagina (#36) and the Twilight movie (#43), but not as popular as Lil Wayne (#16) and Transformers 2 (#14). We also learned that America isn't as childish enough, with only the aforementioned Vagina and Sex (#21) representing for all the giggling teenagers out there.

Aggressive fox bites 2 people, steals sweater
And you laughed when we tried to warn you about animal uprisings. Rest assured this is no viral marketing for the Fantastic Mr. Fox, the only virus going around is rabies. The sweater that fox stole is real people! We are all bearing witness to the animals' Fort Sumter. Beware, they are coming and they'll take our hoodies, our cardigans, and our windbreakers if we're not careful. Just remember if you see a fox wearing a sweater: he's the leader. Don't be a hero, call the authorities. I told you we shouldn't have banned fox hunts.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.29

Strong Words From Iran’s Opposition
Look out now, Mousavi and the Iranian opposition are speaking out "more strongly than ever" on the issue of religious thugs hijacking their country and election. This was met with what insiders describe as the Supreme Leader laughing "more harder than ever." This will eventually end with Mousavi being fitted with new & improved shackles that are "more stronger than ever." With the end of the 40 day mourning period for Neda, it looks like this whole thing might kick up again. The American media might even deign to cover it. Unless someone important like Donnie Osmond or MC Hammer dies that is.

Paul Stanley, Tennessee State Senator, Quits After Affair With 22-Year-Old Intern
Release the balloons and streamers from the rafters. This marks the 1000th time a gay bashing, holly rolling, no gay adoptions, moralizing crusader for marriage got caught fucking a staffer. He's going to go "focus on his family", which will no doubt involve many awkward silences and his wife's white hot anger of a thousand suns being focused at the most slittable part of his throat. These Bastards gives Mr. Stanley our thanks. In his honor I will be sending him a commemorative cookie cake in the shape of a man nailing someone who isn't his wife and Sean will stifle his own laughter while perusing the donation page on James Dobson's "Focus on the Family" website.

In a Savings Shocker, the Government Discovers That Paper Has Two Sides
Apparently the government, in a scramble to save money without cutting anything important, has found out that if you print stuff on both sides of paper, don't unnecessarily repaint vehicles, delete unused e-mail accounts, and pack soldiers like sardines into transport planes, you can save a buck or two. The Justice Department didn't know you could print copies on both sides of the paper. To be fair the JD did already save us tons of money by not prosecuting the previous administration for torture, wiretapping, or any other Constitutional violations, so maybe they should be allowed to print on one side of the paper.

Stormy Daniels' Political Advisor May Have Been Hit By Car Bomb: Reports
I think this Louisiana Senate race just got interesting. Not only is moralizing hooker banger running for re-election and being challenged by a famous porn star, that porn star's political adviser just survived a car bombing. Take note Chris Matthews, that's political hardball. Still though, car bombing the political adviser to a porn star? Somebody needs to give Dick Cheney something more productive to do with his free time.

A Rorschach Cheat Sheet on Wikipedia?
A helpful hint to all you TB crazies out there: Wikipedia has the answers to the Rorschach test. So when you're going through your next psych evaluation at your job or trying to throw the FBI off your trail of hobo murdering destruction, you'll know to answer "a pony" on the first card, instead of "the founding fathers laughing at my penis" or "the neighborhood dog, ordering me to kill again."

L.A. City Council considers providing loan for Cirque du Soleil performances
Sure, the promise of money has replaced real money in California and Governor Conan is just hacking things out of the budget, but doesn't the state need to get serious and start thinking about the economic stimulus benefits of bailing out an ultra-gay troupe of French-Canadian acrobats? I thought so.

PSA

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