It's been five years since the Prequels, residuals are drying up, and kids just want to talk about the Clone Wars series. Then, at Comic-con, everyone is lining up to meet the Avengers and some son of a bitch stabs you in the eye. So a Sith Lord has to take drastic steps to make some cash.
He can't even afford a good ride.
Showing posts with label crime. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crime. Show all posts
Monday, July 26, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
In which I blow your mind with a statistic about the differences between the rich and the poor and the different races
Are you ready? It involves marijuana too. OK, prepare to have your world shaken.
Where's the fainting couch? I'm... I'm going to need to sit down. This is too much to handle.
No city in the world arrests more of its citizens for using pot than New York, according to statistics compiled by Harry G. Levine, a Queens College sociologist.GOLLY! More rich white people get away with shit than poor brown people? Oh me oh my, I never expected this. I bet there are more poor black people in our prisons than rich white people too and a massive sentencing disparity too! And there's a hypocrisy and staggering difference in enforcement with our drug laws? Next you'll be telling me the kind of cocaine a black person does is subject to a much harsher prison sentence that the type of cocaine a white person does.
Nearly nine out of ten people charged with violating the law are black or Latino, although national surveys have shown that whites are the heaviest users of pot. Mr. Bloomberg himself acknowledged in 2001 that he had used it, and enjoyed it.
On the Upper East Side of Manhattan where the mayor lives, an average of 20 people for every 100,000 residents were arrested on the lowest-level misdemeanor pot charge in 2007, 2008 and 2009.
During those same years, the marijuana arrest rate in Brownsville, Brooklyn, was 3,109 for every 100,000 residents.
That means the chances of getting arrested on pot charges in Brownsville — and nothing else — were 150 times greater than on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.
Where's the fainting couch? I'm... I'm going to need to sit down. This is too much to handle.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Apologies to Detroit
Everyone is so quick to take out a brickbat and lay into Detroit for its awful state of being. Mostly it's because people have eyes and ears and are mean to the poor, ugly, violent kid with the 3rd world economy.
But perhaps we've been to harsh towards the Motor City. As this chart shows, there are much, much worse places in this country. Detroit gets a bad rap.
Oof, this has not been a good couple of weeks for Cleveland. St. Louis, I'm not even going to touch your problems. But a nice round of applause to Motown for only being 37th in forceable rapes. Though, with the mass exodus from the city, I guess there aren't that many people left to rape or do the raping. It's a loaded stat.
So next time you want to unload on Detroit just because it makes you feel better about the state of your are of the country, just don't. Take some time to unload on St. Louis, Memphis, and Oakland. They're really awful, awful places to be too.
But perhaps we've been to harsh towards the Motor City. As this chart shows, there are much, much worse places in this country. Detroit gets a bad rap.
Oof, this has not been a good couple of weeks for Cleveland. St. Louis, I'm not even going to touch your problems. But a nice round of applause to Motown for only being 37th in forceable rapes. Though, with the mass exodus from the city, I guess there aren't that many people left to rape or do the raping. It's a loaded stat.
So next time you want to unload on Detroit just because it makes you feel better about the state of your are of the country, just don't. Take some time to unload on St. Louis, Memphis, and Oakland. They're really awful, awful places to be too.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Broken in Brief: Dick LeBeau's human trafficking ring exposed
PITTSBURGH—In a shocking blow to the NFL, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and international crime, today the FBI and INTERPOL announced the arrest of Pittsburgh Defensive Coordinator, 2010 NFL Hall of Fame Inductee, and inventor of the fire zone defense, Dick LeBeau, for crimes relating to human trafficking, slavery, prostitution, smuggling, drugs, and organized crime dating back almost four decades.
“Today we announce the arrest of an evil man who has evaded justice and flaunted his disrespect for the law over these many decades,” announced lead investigator Herman Lizewski, who has led the joint international investigation for the past three years. “No longer will the world have to fear his brutal commands, the misery he inflicted on the lives of millions, or the smothering pressure of a zone blitz.”
According to INTERPOL, LeBeau took over the reins of the Black Hand of Death Triad shortly after his retirement as a player in 1972. From then on he moved the Black Hand beyond mere heroin trafficking, eventually conquering the East Asian prostitution game, as well as staking out a large part of a worldwide kidnapping and slavery ring.
In recent years, LeBeau and the Black Hand have been said to expand their efforts into America, primarily in the human organ smuggling and high-end prostitution rackets. They first came to national recognition in 2008 when they were linked to the murder of two Bayport teens acting as amateur detectives.
While no official statement has been made from the Pittsburgh Steelers, sources within the team say that everyone is “Shocked, saddened, and dismayed” to learn of the allegations. Steelers fans were more forthcoming with their views.
“Man, the hits just keep on coming,” observed Johnny Pakuszewski of Blawnox. “First Ben beats his rape charges but in a way that makes him look like an even bigger scumbag then had he been convicted, then Santonio gets busted for throwin’ a glass at a lady and gets traded for nothin’, then the gruesome details of Ben’s case get revealed, and then Willie Colon gets re-signed for another year. All in the span of a week. Now this.”
“Eh,” Pakuszewski nonchalantly remarked. “Even with this LeBeau business, this is still a better week for the Steelers than last week.”
“Today we announce the arrest of an evil man who has evaded justice and flaunted his disrespect for the law over these many decades,” announced lead investigator Herman Lizewski, who has led the joint international investigation for the past three years. “No longer will the world have to fear his brutal commands, the misery he inflicted on the lives of millions, or the smothering pressure of a zone blitz.”
According to INTERPOL, LeBeau took over the reins of the Black Hand of Death Triad shortly after his retirement as a player in 1972. From then on he moved the Black Hand beyond mere heroin trafficking, eventually conquering the East Asian prostitution game, as well as staking out a large part of a worldwide kidnapping and slavery ring.
In recent years, LeBeau and the Black Hand have been said to expand their efforts into America, primarily in the human organ smuggling and high-end prostitution rackets. They first came to national recognition in 2008 when they were linked to the murder of two Bayport teens acting as amateur detectives.
While no official statement has been made from the Pittsburgh Steelers, sources within the team say that everyone is “Shocked, saddened, and dismayed” to learn of the allegations. Steelers fans were more forthcoming with their views.
“Man, the hits just keep on coming,” observed Johnny Pakuszewski of Blawnox. “First Ben beats his rape charges but in a way that makes him look like an even bigger scumbag then had he been convicted, then Santonio gets busted for throwin’ a glass at a lady and gets traded for nothin’, then the gruesome details of Ben’s case get revealed, and then Willie Colon gets re-signed for another year. All in the span of a week. Now this.”
“Eh,” Pakuszewski nonchalantly remarked. “Even with this LeBeau business, this is still a better week for the Steelers than last week.”
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Broken News: Entire NFL Charged in Nightclub Altercation
MIAMI—The Miami-Dade sheriff’s department announced today that they were charging the entire National Football League with aggravated assault and public drunkenness following a nightclub altercation with a woman late last week.
“After a thorough investigation, we feel we have enough evidence to proceed with formal charges against every player in the NFL,” announced Sgt. Adam Harlan, lead investigator on the case.
“On the evening of March 26th, every player was seen at Opium, a trendy hotspot on the strip,” the Sgt. explained, laying out the facts of the case. “It was at this point that every player was seen partaking of drinks in the VIP section of the club. At a later point every player approached a young woman, who will remain nameless, and attempted to hit on her. After she rebuffed the advances of every player, every player in turn verbally berated her and threw their drink at her, causing some bruising. At this point, authorities were called and police arrived at the scene to find every player intoxicated and staggering around the streets of downtown Miami. After a thorough investigation, it was decided that formal charges are in order.”
As yet, there has been no official response from the NFL, but sources close to Commissioner Roger Goodell noted that he seemed to be dismayed by the actions of every player, would be calling every player in to talk about the incident, and would be following the case closely from this point forward.
While these sources noted that talk was preliminary and subject to the results of the trial, they noted that Goodell was considering a suspension of every player in the league for anywhere from one to four games pending a conviction.
What appears to be troubling the Commissioner most is the fact that out of the nearly 1,696 beverages that simultaneously hit the alleged victim, from simple gin and tonics to Jägerbombs to seltzer to straight Jack Daniels, initial forensic testing shows that several of the nearly 30 jewel encrusted pimp cups that struck the women we laced with a medicinal codeine syrup commonly referred to as “syzurrup” or “purple drank”.
The NFL Player's Association was not so judicious in its commentary on the case.
“While we note that every player will co-operate thoroughly with this investigation, we feel that every player will, in the end, be exonerated of any wrongdoing,” announced NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith. “Besides, what kind of women hangs around almost 1,700 men and their entourages of nearly an additional 6,000 men? Perhaps she was asking for the contents of nearly three liquor stores and one-third of an ice truck to be thrown on her.”
For others, this just seems to be part of an ongoing problem the league needs to rectify and shows a lack of common sense on the part of every player.
“I think every player needs to take a serious look at the kind of positions they put themselves into. Maybe every player shouldn’t be out at the club on a Friday night,” observed Sport Illustrated columnist Peter King in his Monday Morning Quarterback football column, in between three paragraphs on lattes and a section on baseball spring training. “I just don’t think every player should be out doing this kind of thing, as I happen to know that several hundred of them are married.”
While some are unsure of what the commonly held “they shouldn’t put themselves in this position” principle exactly means when every pundit says it, most think it ranges from “don’t go out to a bar or club or anywhere where fun might be occurring” to “don’t let sunlight hit your skin or breathe outside air unless it’s for a football related reason.”
In any event, every player has retained the services of several hundred law firms and has vowed to fight this battle in court. Every player asks that you please respect their privacy and the legal proceedings until such a time as a verdict is rendered.
The trial is expected to begin in late July.
“After a thorough investigation, we feel we have enough evidence to proceed with formal charges against every player in the NFL,” announced Sgt. Adam Harlan, lead investigator on the case.
“On the evening of March 26th, every player was seen at Opium, a trendy hotspot on the strip,” the Sgt. explained, laying out the facts of the case. “It was at this point that every player was seen partaking of drinks in the VIP section of the club. At a later point every player approached a young woman, who will remain nameless, and attempted to hit on her. After she rebuffed the advances of every player, every player in turn verbally berated her and threw their drink at her, causing some bruising. At this point, authorities were called and police arrived at the scene to find every player intoxicated and staggering around the streets of downtown Miami. After a thorough investigation, it was decided that formal charges are in order.”
As yet, there has been no official response from the NFL, but sources close to Commissioner Roger Goodell noted that he seemed to be dismayed by the actions of every player, would be calling every player in to talk about the incident, and would be following the case closely from this point forward.
While these sources noted that talk was preliminary and subject to the results of the trial, they noted that Goodell was considering a suspension of every player in the league for anywhere from one to four games pending a conviction.
What appears to be troubling the Commissioner most is the fact that out of the nearly 1,696 beverages that simultaneously hit the alleged victim, from simple gin and tonics to Jägerbombs to seltzer to straight Jack Daniels, initial forensic testing shows that several of the nearly 30 jewel encrusted pimp cups that struck the women we laced with a medicinal codeine syrup commonly referred to as “syzurrup” or “purple drank”.
The NFL Player's Association was not so judicious in its commentary on the case.
“While we note that every player will co-operate thoroughly with this investigation, we feel that every player will, in the end, be exonerated of any wrongdoing,” announced NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith. “Besides, what kind of women hangs around almost 1,700 men and their entourages of nearly an additional 6,000 men? Perhaps she was asking for the contents of nearly three liquor stores and one-third of an ice truck to be thrown on her.”
For others, this just seems to be part of an ongoing problem the league needs to rectify and shows a lack of common sense on the part of every player.
“I think every player needs to take a serious look at the kind of positions they put themselves into. Maybe every player shouldn’t be out at the club on a Friday night,” observed Sport Illustrated columnist Peter King in his Monday Morning Quarterback football column, in between three paragraphs on lattes and a section on baseball spring training. “I just don’t think every player should be out doing this kind of thing, as I happen to know that several hundred of them are married.”
While some are unsure of what the commonly held “they shouldn’t put themselves in this position” principle exactly means when every pundit says it, most think it ranges from “don’t go out to a bar or club or anywhere where fun might be occurring” to “don’t let sunlight hit your skin or breathe outside air unless it’s for a football related reason.”
In any event, every player has retained the services of several hundred law firms and has vowed to fight this battle in court. Every player asks that you please respect their privacy and the legal proceedings until such a time as a verdict is rendered.
The trial is expected to begin in late July.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Cheap Blogging Crutch 03.18
Green-Bashing Exposes the Rot at the Core of Modern Conservatism
Peter Daou looks at how recent studies showing the rise in US skepticism on global warming coincide with more and more scientific studies showing the existence of global warming and climate change, and contrasts it with right wing and corporate messaging that attempts to discredit science with that of left wing and scientific messaging that. It isn't pretty. Sure the might be a global scientific consensus that id fortified with data that only increases their case year by year, but on the other hand: Al Gore is fat and that is funny. So you can see why science and knowledge has trouble combating a campaign that lets regular people feel like they know better than egghead scientists.
Who’s Buried in the History Books?
A NY Times op-ed on how a conservative campaign to get Grant knocked off the $50 and replaced by Reagan is based in a general disrespect of history, the elevation of misinformation, and the cheapened intellectualism of the US. Wait, knowledge, history, and intelligence sacrificed in the name of political myth-making and political gamesmanship? In America? Sounds like someone is talking crazy.
Post Mortem: Who Killed The Public Option?
With health care about to pass and recent attempts to get the public option passed through reconciliation apparently dead (Shocking! But all those Senators said they were for it, I can't believe that it didn't happen), Talking Points Memo goes through the exact history of how a popular and sensible program that improved the health care system for Americans got removed by our elected betters. I think it had something to do with the fact that it was popular, sensible, and improved the health care system for Americans. Read it. You know, just in case you had a wound you wanted to rub salt in. Which, incidentally, isn't going to be covered in any new health plans.
The HBO Auteur
The NY Times does a profile on giant brain man and TV Jesus, David Simon, while he worked on the about to premiere show Treme, about life in New Orleans post-Katrina. As if a massive article on the conception process of the man who created the best show ever, the Wire, isn't enough to get you excited for Treme, Dominic West, McNutty himself, went out and said that it'd be better than the Wire. Can I just cook this show up and shoot it into my veins already? I need something that distills America into a bleak portrait of poverty, crime, and good people being beaten down by the system.
TOP TEN TURNS 60: The List Known ’Round the World
It is the 60th Anniversary of the FBI's 10 Most Wanted list, so in celebration I think we need to get together, find some tommy guns, give each other colorful nicknames, and go on a multi-state bank robbing spree that results in our violent death at the hands of the feds. Deal? The FBI has decided to celebrate the occasion by putting up a historical article and linking to the mugshots and wanted posters of everyone who has ever been on the list. YMMV. I like my way better.
Peter Daou looks at how recent studies showing the rise in US skepticism on global warming coincide with more and more scientific studies showing the existence of global warming and climate change, and contrasts it with right wing and corporate messaging that attempts to discredit science with that of left wing and scientific messaging that. It isn't pretty. Sure the might be a global scientific consensus that id fortified with data that only increases their case year by year, but on the other hand: Al Gore is fat and that is funny. So you can see why science and knowledge has trouble combating a campaign that lets regular people feel like they know better than egghead scientists.
Who’s Buried in the History Books?
A NY Times op-ed on how a conservative campaign to get Grant knocked off the $50 and replaced by Reagan is based in a general disrespect of history, the elevation of misinformation, and the cheapened intellectualism of the US. Wait, knowledge, history, and intelligence sacrificed in the name of political myth-making and political gamesmanship? In America? Sounds like someone is talking crazy.
Post Mortem: Who Killed The Public Option?
With health care about to pass and recent attempts to get the public option passed through reconciliation apparently dead (Shocking! But all those Senators said they were for it, I can't believe that it didn't happen), Talking Points Memo goes through the exact history of how a popular and sensible program that improved the health care system for Americans got removed by our elected betters. I think it had something to do with the fact that it was popular, sensible, and improved the health care system for Americans. Read it. You know, just in case you had a wound you wanted to rub salt in. Which, incidentally, isn't going to be covered in any new health plans.
The HBO Auteur
The NY Times does a profile on giant brain man and TV Jesus, David Simon, while he worked on the about to premiere show Treme, about life in New Orleans post-Katrina. As if a massive article on the conception process of the man who created the best show ever, the Wire, isn't enough to get you excited for Treme, Dominic West, McNutty himself, went out and said that it'd be better than the Wire. Can I just cook this show up and shoot it into my veins already? I need something that distills America into a bleak portrait of poverty, crime, and good people being beaten down by the system.
TOP TEN TURNS 60: The List Known ’Round the World
It is the 60th Anniversary of the FBI's 10 Most Wanted list, so in celebration I think we need to get together, find some tommy guns, give each other colorful nicknames, and go on a multi-state bank robbing spree that results in our violent death at the hands of the feds. Deal? The FBI has decided to celebrate the occasion by putting up a historical article and linking to the mugshots and wanted posters of everyone who has ever been on the list. YMMV. I like my way better.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Stay classy, West Contra Costa Unified School District
West Contra Costa Unified School District spokesman Marin Trujillo, taking time to note that other than a 15 year old girl getting raped by multiple people, the Richmond High School dance went off without a hitch:
I'm just glad that Mr. Trujillo was there to clear things up. I wouldn't want to have though that some got raped and the dance sucked. Also, I think people are failing to applaud the fact that no one was murdered anywhere near the event. When that is taken into consideration, this might be the most successful school dance ever. Stay classy, Marin.
"Multiple offenders, multiple people raping over prolonged period," said Lt. Mark Gagan with the Richmond police.Yeah, other than that gang rape type situation, the dance went off like gangbusters. The DJ was kickin' it with some tasty jams, the gym had a really well put together theme, and all the raping that occurred happened off of the dance-floor and at least 20 or 30 feet away from the main building.
What makes this crime so shocking is that police say at least 20 people were involved in the rape or stood and watched the crime without going for help.
...
"Dance was successful event and safe for the students that were there," said Marin Trujillo, the West Contra Costa Unified School District spokesman. "This dance itself was a successful event."
I'm just glad that Mr. Trujillo was there to clear things up. I wouldn't want to have though that some got raped and the dance sucked. Also, I think people are failing to applaud the fact that no one was murdered anywhere near the event. When that is taken into consideration, this might be the most successful school dance ever. Stay classy, Marin.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Oh, to be a rich athlete
I want to be a rich athlete. Not because of all the money, fame, and recognition. No, because I want the freedom to drunkenly kill people with my car and fire off handguns in or around 'da club.
Financial agreement avoids lawsuit
Let's see here, not only is there stone cold hard evidence that Stallworth was over twice the legal limit, there's video evidence of him hitting a guy, and a dead body. All of this and he doesn't get more than 30 days? Burress on the other hand is charged with criminal possession of a weapon. Despite the fact that they have stone cold evidence that he was in fact not only in criminal possession of a weapon, but shot himself with the weapon, they can't seem to get a trail started within two years of the incident. Not only that, but a man who shot himself with an illegal gun is going to plead not guilty and try to argue that even though he had an illegal gun and shot himself with it, he wasn't in possession of an illegal gun. He'll probably win too.
What's that sound? It's Pacman Jones nodding with approval and Michael Vick wondering what the fuck he went to prison for. He got a year plus for killing dogs. Stallworth killed a human and won't even have to serve a full 30 days. I definitely should have become a professional athlete. When I get busted on for drunkenly waving weapons at dogs I've run over with my car I'll have to do real time.
Financial agreement avoids lawsuit
Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte' Stallworth took full responsibility for killing a pedestrian while driving drunk in Florida and began serving a 30-day jail sentence Tuesday after he pleaded guilty to DUI manslaughter.Hearing adjourned until September
Stallworth also reached a confidential financial settlement to avoid a potential lawsuit from the family of 59-year-old Mario Reyes, according to Stallworth's attorney, Christopher Lyons. Reyes was struck and killed March 14 by Stallworth, who was driving his black 2005 Bentley after a night drinking at a swanky hotel bar.
...
Stallworth faced 15 years in prison. According to the plea agreement, Stallworth needs to serve only 24 days of his 30-day sentence.
Former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is negotiating with several NFL teams to return to pro football this season after a judge delayed his trial Monday on gun possession charges.First off, nice use of the word 'swanky' in a story about a drunken car murder.
...
Outside court Monday, Brafman said it was "inconceivable" that Burress would face trial on the charge before 2010, said several teams were trying to sign his client, and "physically he's in the best shape of his life. He's ready to play."
Let's see here, not only is there stone cold hard evidence that Stallworth was over twice the legal limit, there's video evidence of him hitting a guy, and a dead body. All of this and he doesn't get more than 30 days? Burress on the other hand is charged with criminal possession of a weapon. Despite the fact that they have stone cold evidence that he was in fact not only in criminal possession of a weapon, but shot himself with the weapon, they can't seem to get a trail started within two years of the incident. Not only that, but a man who shot himself with an illegal gun is going to plead not guilty and try to argue that even though he had an illegal gun and shot himself with it, he wasn't in possession of an illegal gun. He'll probably win too.
What's that sound? It's Pacman Jones nodding with approval and Michael Vick wondering what the fuck he went to prison for. He got a year plus for killing dogs. Stallworth killed a human and won't even have to serve a full 30 days. I definitely should have become a professional athlete. When I get busted on for drunkenly waving weapons at dogs I've run over with my car I'll have to do real time.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Quote of the day
Jane Harman (D-CA) on voting to authorize and cover up illegal warrantless wiretapping and the sense of betrayal she feels because they decided to use it to illegally wiretap against her.
Don't like them wiretapping you? Well, I guess you shouldn't have voted to allow them to. Now you'll have to excuse me Jane, my sides are starting to hurt from laughing too hard.
HARMAN: I'm just very disappointed that my country -- I'm an American citizen just like you are -- could have permitted what I think is a gross abuse of power in recent years. I'm one member of Congress who may be caught up in it, but I have a bully pulpit and I can fight back. I'm thinking about others who have no bully pulpit and may not be aware, as I was not, that right now somewhere, someone's listening in on their conversations, and they're innocent Americans.And off in the distance we hear the violent explosion of the world's first machine that measures irony. This woman didn't give two shits when she thought the government was just going to illegally spy on the peasant class, but when she finds out they used it to investigate her shady dealings on behalf of AIPAC: OUTRAGE!!!!!!!! at the betrayal of American values and gross abuse of power that she was totally aware of and supported wholeheartedly.
Don't like them wiretapping you? Well, I guess you shouldn't have voted to allow them to. Now you'll have to excuse me Jane, my sides are starting to hurt from laughing too hard.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
B&E: Financial crisis style
G-20 Protesters Break Into Royal Bank Of Scotland
Sarkozy "to save plant" after staff detain bosses
In London thousands of G-20 protesters jammed downtown London on Wednesday and some tried to storm the Bank of England, pelting police with eggs and fruit and rocking the barricades designed to control them.Oh G20 and G8 protesters you always amuse, what with your hectoring puppets, maceable faces, terrible slogans, and political ideas a college freshman would chortle at. I'm sure the G20 will get right on that abolishing money thing. But then what will your parents use to pay for your air and hotel fare to go to these protests? Hemp? A shitty poem? Listen, you have the same problem as PETA: some laudable ideas surrounded by insane bullshit, methods that make decent people cringe, and tactics that discredit your ideas before you even utter them. Here's a suggestion for the next summit: put the anarchy/abolish all economies/property is theft people at the back, try not to riot at the sight of cops/capitalism, and more serious puppets.
Demonstrators shouted "Abolish Money!" and clogged streets in the financial district known as "The City" even as Prime Minister Gordon Brown and President Barack Obama held a news conference elsewhere in the British capital.
Protesters had branded the day "Financial Fool's Day" ahead of Thursday's summit of world leaders who are gathering in hopes of resolving the global financial crisis that has lashed nations and workers worldwide.
Sarkozy "to save plant" after staff detain bosses
French President Nicolas Sarkozy pledged on Wednesday to save a factory run by U.S. bulldozer maker Caterpillar Inc, where staff angry over layoffs detained four managers for 24 hours.Calling France cowards is always the go to Z-grade joke for hacks/right wingers/Dennis Miller, but they'll riot at the drop of a hat. This is the third such incident following a office locking of the head of Sony France and shop owners going ape merde on Francois-Henri Pinault. That last one could have just been over the fact that he's a billionaire and nailing Salma Hayek, and not the economy/layoffs. In any event: American workers, I think you've just been handed your blueprint. Don't like the bailouts or your company handing out bonuses to executives and firing you? Take hostages! If you want to really rub some ironic salt in the wound call them financial enemy combatants and claim you're just detaining them.
...
Workers at the Caterpillar plant locked the site's director, head of human resources and two other managers in an office on Tuesday in a bid to force them back into negotiations over redundancy terms, a trade union official said.
A senior police officer negotiated on Tuesday a resumption of talks between unions and management at Caterpillar, but the management were not able to leave and spent the night there.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Billy Mays would never hit a woman
When last we saw Vince the Shamwow guy, he had just begun his ascent up Mt. Popeil on a bed of extra absorbent rags. Furthermore he was using his new found fame and money to do what any of us would do: wage ceaseless and unending war against Scientology because they backed out of funding our Kentucky Fried Movie/Naked Gun ripoff. Such a heartwarming story. Hey, I wonder what he's doing now?
Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue.Turns out selling the Shamwow and SlapChop on late night TV doesn't get you knee deep in South Beach Latin ass. Meth fueled rage, anger at the fact you're the Shamwow guy and your expensive hooker is biting your tongue, or Scientology set up? All we know is Billy Mays has no sympathy and knows how to keep his hooker beatings on the down low.
...
After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the Setai lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse. "Both parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons," police reported.
It was a nice 15 minutes you had Vince, we'll miss you. In a few years you'll enter the urban myth lexicon. If you're lucky the story will get exaggerated to "had his face eaten off by cannibal prostitute" and passed on by impressionable fifth graders everywhere in between stories about the Life cereal kid's stomach exploding after mixing PopRocks/Coke and the Richard Gere gerbil thing. It's not a great life, but well that's what happens when you fuck with Tom Cruise's belief system.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Fancy crime doesn't pay
Bogus peer Hugh Rodley tried to pull off world’s biggest bank raid
Alls well that ends well and the Special Fancy Crimes Section of Scotland Yard's Totally Serious Crimes of Stealing and Stuff Division were up to the task of noticing some forms didn't get filled out and a Japanese bank was saved from losing £229 million which they probably wouldn't have noticed because they've seen their profits in the last quarter fall by....say.....¥150 billion.
I'd read whatever you can find on this case, it's really one of the better crime stories you'll come across this year.
A fake British aristocrat was convicted yesterday of playing a leading role in an audacious attempt to carry out the world’s biggest bank raid.I don't know what's better, the idea I have in my head of a bank robber gearing up for a robbery by putting on a bowler, three piece suit, and monocle, that the UK has a crime division that has to announce that its serious in its title, or the fact that this robbery was foiled because after all the sophisticated hacking and planning they did, the crooks filled in some transfer forms incorrectly. Wait, I know, the fact that the fake Lord co-conspired with a sex shop owner. Or that the fake Lord was all mobbed up and got his fortune by scamming the shit out of people, forging documents, and with the sex shop guy made attempts to steal from the Royal Ballet, the Austrian Embassy, and scam Antwerp diamond dealers. The proceeds of some of his more recent scams going to fund his daughters riding careers and his fake Lord existence.
The gang of international criminals came close to stealing £229 million from a City bank by exploiting the high-tech security measures designed to protect money transfers. But the plot failed when a hacker into the system missed one set of numbers from an electronic form.
...
Details of the “bold and sophisticated” attack were untangled by the Serious Organised Crime Agency during a four-year investigation.
Alls well that ends well and the Special Fancy Crimes Section of Scotland Yard's Totally Serious Crimes of Stealing and Stuff Division were up to the task of noticing some forms didn't get filled out and a Japanese bank was saved from losing £229 million which they probably wouldn't have noticed because they've seen their profits in the last quarter fall by....say.....¥150 billion.
I'd read whatever you can find on this case, it's really one of the better crime stories you'll come across this year.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Broken News: Billionaire easily outed as vigilante superhero
ASTRO CITY—The two-month campaign of vigilante violence against the notorious underworld of our fair city came to an end today as Nightman, the shadowy crime fighter waging that campaign, was outed as none other than Russell Conroy, billionaire owner of mega-corporation Contech. In an ironic twist, the man who solved the mystery that had baffled Astro City's most corrupt politicians and hardened criminals was none other than local citizen Mikey Sullivan, 34, of Astro Heights.
“Yeah, uh, I just put two and two together,” said Sullivan, an auto mechanic and father of two. “This is a pretty destitute city riddled with crime and corruption, right? Suddenly the criminal underworld is under siege by a heroic vigilante waging a campaign of high-tech violence? There are really only so many people it could be. First I thought of the military, but they're all tied up with wars and I don't think that a one man tactical team is up their alley. Then I thought maybe it was the cops, but they don't even have the budget to keep their cars running. Plus, have you seen the average street cop lately? 'Svelte' ain't the word I'd use."
Sullivan continued, "So, uh, the stuff he's using is pretty high-tech, right? I figured it was way too expensive for a regular guy to build, so I looked at rich guys with the money to support all of the technological advancements in Nighman's arsenal. Since the city's not only crime ridden but poverty stricken too, only about four people were decent guesses. The only one under 70 was Conroy. Plus, you know that photo of Nightman, with him standing in front of the American flag, looking slightly to the left, as if at a better future? It's a lot like that "Our CEO" photo of Conroy on Contech.com. I just printed that out, drew some goggles and a cowl on it, and that was that. Plus, there's all that Contech branding on Nightman's gear."
Indeed, a quick review of the ample number of Nightman photographs available revealed "property of Contech" embossing on the armor plating of both the Nightcar and Nightcycle, as well as the company logo on Nightman's body armor, which turned out to be an updated black version of the same tactical armor the company sells to police and military. In addition, Nightman's famed grappling gun was also clearly a modified version of the device that the Contech Outdoor division has been promoting in various mountain climbing and spelunking magazines.
For his part, Sullivan hopes that he didn't cause Mr. Conroy any harm. The accidental detective said, "It was just so damn obvious. His company logo was on everything! I can't believe nobody saw it before me. And whenever I'd tell my friends that Nightman was definitely the young, physically fit, billionaire owner of a high tech military weapons supplier who lives in seclusion and has a grudge against the mob, they'd look at me like I was crazy."
Russell Conroy, 32, first entered the public eye during the harrowing trial of mob boss Vincent DiCicco, who was accused of ordering the car bombing that took the lives of Conroy's parents. After DiCicco's acquittal in a trial legal experts suggested was marred by jury tampering, Mr. Conroy, then 18, swore vengeance on the mob and vowed to someday get revenge. As it turns out, Mr. Conroy was serious.
"Really? Two months and they found me out?" Said a disappointed Conroy after being contacted for this story. "Drawing a mask on a picture of me was all it took? Christ... I guess now that I think about it, using my own company to so nakedly fuel my quest for vengeance probably did expose me a little too much. Maybe I also should have covered my head fully with a mask, instead of exposing my mouth, chin, and most of my nose as well as removing most of the Contech logos from my costume. But what can I say? I'm proud of my company. Lesson learned."
The question becomes, now that he's been exposed, what Conroy will do about the city's crime problems now that Nightman's identity has become public.
"Eh, I'll probably just finish this mob thing up and call it quits. I mean, what can they do to me? My family is already dead," Conroy quipped. "Besides, everyone thinks the mob is some complex organization that's hard to take down. I'll tell you what, it's a lot easier when you're just killing, torturing and maiming your way up the ladder. It's not like I was trying to make a RICO case or anything. And I guess I'll just turn over all the incriminating evidence I found on some of our elected officials to the feds. To tell you the truth, I was pretty much done here anyway. Another couple of weeks and I would have been beating the shit out of jaywalkers."
As of press time the Astro City District Attorney had no plans to charge Mr. Conroy, noting that he was too rich to avoid prosecution even if he didn’t end up buying off the corrupt judiciary. Several high ranking members of the DA’s office also noted they also didn’t want to risk the vengeance of a goggled sociopath who might crash a military grade rocket car into their house and smash their heads in with a themed truncheon.
When asked if he had any other plans to combat the crime, violence, and poverty in Astro City, Conroy just laughed. “Fuckin’ gangbangers and drug dealers didn’t kill my parents, the mob did. I've dealt with the mob. You’re welcome. Anyone else has a problem, they can get their own sweet ass suit and wage some war. Hell, come to me and maybe I’ll sponsor you. Like a vigilante Pell grant or something.”
“Otherwise, what? Like social programs and shit? Dude, I’m a spoiled rich kid who inherited a billion dollars ‘cause his parents got exploded, who probably suffers from PTSD, has fascistic tendencies, and a host of other mental issues. Christ, I’m a man who, when presented with a vast fortune, used it to get revenge in the most high tech and violent way possible. You think I know how to organize a midnight basketball league or an effective work release program? If this city needs a donation to some charity or something I guess I'll write a check, otherwise I'll be on my yacht with some Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.”
Asked which model he was currently courting, Conroy snickered and said, "Pages 32-86."
“Yeah, uh, I just put two and two together,” said Sullivan, an auto mechanic and father of two. “This is a pretty destitute city riddled with crime and corruption, right? Suddenly the criminal underworld is under siege by a heroic vigilante waging a campaign of high-tech violence? There are really only so many people it could be. First I thought of the military, but they're all tied up with wars and I don't think that a one man tactical team is up their alley. Then I thought maybe it was the cops, but they don't even have the budget to keep their cars running. Plus, have you seen the average street cop lately? 'Svelte' ain't the word I'd use."
Sullivan continued, "So, uh, the stuff he's using is pretty high-tech, right? I figured it was way too expensive for a regular guy to build, so I looked at rich guys with the money to support all of the technological advancements in Nighman's arsenal. Since the city's not only crime ridden but poverty stricken too, only about four people were decent guesses. The only one under 70 was Conroy. Plus, you know that photo of Nightman, with him standing in front of the American flag, looking slightly to the left, as if at a better future? It's a lot like that "Our CEO" photo of Conroy on Contech.com. I just printed that out, drew some goggles and a cowl on it, and that was that. Plus, there's all that Contech branding on Nightman's gear."
Indeed, a quick review of the ample number of Nightman photographs available revealed "property of Contech" embossing on the armor plating of both the Nightcar and Nightcycle, as well as the company logo on Nightman's body armor, which turned out to be an updated black version of the same tactical armor the company sells to police and military. In addition, Nightman's famed grappling gun was also clearly a modified version of the device that the Contech Outdoor division has been promoting in various mountain climbing and spelunking magazines.
For his part, Sullivan hopes that he didn't cause Mr. Conroy any harm. The accidental detective said, "It was just so damn obvious. His company logo was on everything! I can't believe nobody saw it before me. And whenever I'd tell my friends that Nightman was definitely the young, physically fit, billionaire owner of a high tech military weapons supplier who lives in seclusion and has a grudge against the mob, they'd look at me like I was crazy."
Russell Conroy, 32, first entered the public eye during the harrowing trial of mob boss Vincent DiCicco, who was accused of ordering the car bombing that took the lives of Conroy's parents. After DiCicco's acquittal in a trial legal experts suggested was marred by jury tampering, Mr. Conroy, then 18, swore vengeance on the mob and vowed to someday get revenge. As it turns out, Mr. Conroy was serious.
"Really? Two months and they found me out?" Said a disappointed Conroy after being contacted for this story. "Drawing a mask on a picture of me was all it took? Christ... I guess now that I think about it, using my own company to so nakedly fuel my quest for vengeance probably did expose me a little too much. Maybe I also should have covered my head fully with a mask, instead of exposing my mouth, chin, and most of my nose as well as removing most of the Contech logos from my costume. But what can I say? I'm proud of my company. Lesson learned."
The question becomes, now that he's been exposed, what Conroy will do about the city's crime problems now that Nightman's identity has become public.
"Eh, I'll probably just finish this mob thing up and call it quits. I mean, what can they do to me? My family is already dead," Conroy quipped. "Besides, everyone thinks the mob is some complex organization that's hard to take down. I'll tell you what, it's a lot easier when you're just killing, torturing and maiming your way up the ladder. It's not like I was trying to make a RICO case or anything. And I guess I'll just turn over all the incriminating evidence I found on some of our elected officials to the feds. To tell you the truth, I was pretty much done here anyway. Another couple of weeks and I would have been beating the shit out of jaywalkers."
As of press time the Astro City District Attorney had no plans to charge Mr. Conroy, noting that he was too rich to avoid prosecution even if he didn’t end up buying off the corrupt judiciary. Several high ranking members of the DA’s office also noted they also didn’t want to risk the vengeance of a goggled sociopath who might crash a military grade rocket car into their house and smash their heads in with a themed truncheon.
When asked if he had any other plans to combat the crime, violence, and poverty in Astro City, Conroy just laughed. “Fuckin’ gangbangers and drug dealers didn’t kill my parents, the mob did. I've dealt with the mob. You’re welcome. Anyone else has a problem, they can get their own sweet ass suit and wage some war. Hell, come to me and maybe I’ll sponsor you. Like a vigilante Pell grant or something.”
“Otherwise, what? Like social programs and shit? Dude, I’m a spoiled rich kid who inherited a billion dollars ‘cause his parents got exploded, who probably suffers from PTSD, has fascistic tendencies, and a host of other mental issues. Christ, I’m a man who, when presented with a vast fortune, used it to get revenge in the most high tech and violent way possible. You think I know how to organize a midnight basketball league or an effective work release program? If this city needs a donation to some charity or something I guess I'll write a check, otherwise I'll be on my yacht with some Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.”
Asked which model he was currently courting, Conroy snickered and said, "Pages 32-86."
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Mommy and Daddy are grifting for Xmas
The American spirit remains undeterred. Can't afford presents or basic goods? Fuck it, take 'em anyway. You deserve them and so do your children. If Mattel didn't wan't your kids to get a Memphis Jookin' Elmo they shouldn't have made it so damn appealing and stocked it in stores that aren't susceptible to the snatch and dash.
Police departments across the country say that shoplifting arrests are 10 percent to 20 percent higher this year than last. The problem is probably even greater than arrest records indicate since shoplifters are often banned from stores rather than arrested.Don't we know it. The TB grifter ring has netted us profits in the thousands over the last few weeks. In fact if Sean or I gives you a gift this holiday season it was 100% stolen, either from a store or from a vulnerable person in a parking lot. You're able to get nicer things this way.
Much of the increase has come from first-time offenders like Mr. Johnson making rash decisions in a pinch, the authorities say. But the ease with which stolen goods can be sold on the Internet has meant a bigger role for organized crime rings, which also engage in receipt fraud, fake price tagging and gift card schemes, the police and security experts say.
Just remember, if it's too expensive, you don't have to walk away. Just know where the exits are and don't stop running until you can't hear the sirens.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Broken In Brief: Pre-teen screws around with dad's gun, foils robbery
BUFFALO--Today the mayor and city council came together to bestow upon Billy Carruthers, 12, the highest honor the City of Buffalo has; the Tim Russert Golden Wing of Honor for his role in foiling a home invasion this weekend. It happened when Billy and his friend Timmy Masterson, 12, were in his father's den, fooling around with a gun they found in a shoebox on top of the porn stash of Billy's father. What could have been a tragedy soon turned to heroism as an errant thrust of the gun towards the face of his friend Timmy resulted in a shot being fired. The bullet narrowly missed young Masterson's face as it went through the den window, across the street and lodged itself in the spine of petty criminal David Covington, who was engaged in the robbery in question.
"I just did what any kid would do when he found his Dad's loaded gun," remarked Billy, beaming with pride. "I dangerously brandished it without regard for human life or even the most basic measures of gun safety. Some would say its just luck that I didn't blow my friends face off and in the future I should be more careful. But I think of it as a sign from God that I should go around, waving loaded guns at all of society’s problems, so that I may fix them with the accidental misfire of social justice."
When asked if he regretted leaving a loaded pistol, unguarded, and in an area that a horny young child would be voraciously trying to find, a perplexed Mr.Carruthers answered "Of course not. If I didn't show such foresight this robbery would have gone on unabated and this Covington man would still be at large, burgling, instead of in traction at the Jim Kelly Memorial Prison Hospital with a 30% chance of walking again. Frankly I should be getting a large or perhaps larger medal. It was my glock and my hollow points."
At the ceremony the mayor made a plea to the youth of the area "As many know, over the past decade or so, depressed economic conditions have led to an increase in the crime rate in our fair city. We wish more of Buffalo's youth would take some of the initiative shown by Billy. Frankly if more of our children had just a little more disregard for personal safety we might have one of the more enviable crime rates in the country. Children, your city depends on you." He then fired his pearl handled mayoral six-shooters into the air, to thunderous applause.
"I just did what any kid would do when he found his Dad's loaded gun," remarked Billy, beaming with pride. "I dangerously brandished it without regard for human life or even the most basic measures of gun safety. Some would say its just luck that I didn't blow my friends face off and in the future I should be more careful. But I think of it as a sign from God that I should go around, waving loaded guns at all of society’s problems, so that I may fix them with the accidental misfire of social justice."
When asked if he regretted leaving a loaded pistol, unguarded, and in an area that a horny young child would be voraciously trying to find, a perplexed Mr.Carruthers answered "Of course not. If I didn't show such foresight this robbery would have gone on unabated and this Covington man would still be at large, burgling, instead of in traction at the Jim Kelly Memorial Prison Hospital with a 30% chance of walking again. Frankly I should be getting a large or perhaps larger medal. It was my glock and my hollow points."
At the ceremony the mayor made a plea to the youth of the area "As many know, over the past decade or so, depressed economic conditions have led to an increase in the crime rate in our fair city. We wish more of Buffalo's youth would take some of the initiative shown by Billy. Frankly if more of our children had just a little more disregard for personal safety we might have one of the more enviable crime rates in the country. Children, your city depends on you." He then fired his pearl handled mayoral six-shooters into the air, to thunderous applause.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Broken in Brief: Bayport Police Chief commits suicide
BAYPORT, USA--A disturbing tragedy that had gripped Bayport for most of the summer came to a startling end yesterday as Bayport Police Chief Ezra Collig, 63, was found dead in his home, the result of an apparent suicide. The beleaguered chief had been hounded by the press and child advocacy groups after the shocking murder of teen detectives Joe and Frank Hardy last month at Smuggler's Cove revealed his facilitator's role in the brothers dangerous after school activities.
Collig was found naked, suspended by the neck from a cross beam in his garage with with a crude noose fashioned out of shoelaces and long scraps of bath towel. His police cruiser was idling in neutral next to him. A note found nearby read simply, "No funeral." The search begins for a new police chief, but it will be hard to find those in the department who weren't tainted by Collig's "Boys will be Boys" policy, which some claim rocketed Bayport's rates of teen vigilantism, crime solving, snooping, and treasure finding to national highs. These high rates preceded a drastic, and some say related, increase in retaliatory acts on the part of Bayport's surprisingly numerous gangs of smugglers, white slavers, counterfeiters, and mob bosses.
Recent weeks have seen more suspicious spikes in criminal activity, as high school sophomore and amateur detective, Nancy Drew, was badly burned in a botched car-bombing. Whether the new chief can stem the rising tide of violence remains to be seen, as he or she will first be tasked with reforming the tainted legacy of Chief Collig.
Collig was found naked, suspended by the neck from a cross beam in his garage with with a crude noose fashioned out of shoelaces and long scraps of bath towel. His police cruiser was idling in neutral next to him. A note found nearby read simply, "No funeral." The search begins for a new police chief, but it will be hard to find those in the department who weren't tainted by Collig's "Boys will be Boys" policy, which some claim rocketed Bayport's rates of teen vigilantism, crime solving, snooping, and treasure finding to national highs. These high rates preceded a drastic, and some say related, increase in retaliatory acts on the part of Bayport's surprisingly numerous gangs of smugglers, white slavers, counterfeiters, and mob bosses.
Recent weeks have seen more suspicious spikes in criminal activity, as high school sophomore and amateur detective, Nancy Drew, was badly burned in a botched car-bombing. Whether the new chief can stem the rising tide of violence remains to be seen, as he or she will first be tasked with reforming the tainted legacy of Chief Collig.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Urban Ninja
Police Arrest Ninja Nerds Claiming To Target Drug Dealers
Next time you wage war on the criminal underground may I suggest a Glock or Uzi instead of the nunchucks? Also, train in the Orient for about a decade and then try this out. Buy one get one at the Cobra Kai Dojo isn't going to cut it no matter how hard, fast, and without mercy they strike. Better yet, dress up as a wizard or hobbit and wage unending battle against the guy who sold your ex-girlfriend weed and then nailed her. Even better still, get over it and grow up. Or get smoke grenades. Yeah, the smoke would have hidden you better. Go with smoke the next time.
Police arrested two men dressed like ninjas and armed with Asian martial arts weapons who said they were delivering warning letters to drug dealers and users.If you get caught by the cops on your first ninja mission, you are bad ninjas. What were you doing, walking the streets dressed as ninjas or did you get out of your dad's Dodge Stratus to hand deliver the notes in full ninja garb? Also, I'm betting you had the equivalent of 5 martial arts classes and watched the Matrix, the Goddamn Batman, and American Ninja waaay too often. Secondly, I'm sure some letter about the wind and impure hearts really put the fear of God into the OG hoods slingin' rock on the street corner. The police saved you from a brutal shooting. Thank them.
Calling themselves "Shinobi warriors," the men carried knives, throwing stars, swords, nunchucks and a bow and arrows.
...
In the letter, the two men accused drug dealers and users of having "committed sin of passing impurity" to others and that the "wind guides us to those of impure heart and intent."
"Their intentions may have been good, but we tell everyone that they shouldn't take the law into their own hands because it will cause more problems for everyone in the long run," Detective Capt. Robert Rowan said.
Trojaniak's father told The Associated Press his son is "not a maniac" and was only trying to help a friend.
Next time you wage war on the criminal underground may I suggest a Glock or Uzi instead of the nunchucks? Also, train in the Orient for about a decade and then try this out. Buy one get one at the Cobra Kai Dojo isn't going to cut it no matter how hard, fast, and without mercy they strike. Better yet, dress up as a wizard or hobbit and wage unending battle against the guy who sold your ex-girlfriend weed and then nailed her. Even better still, get over it and grow up. Or get smoke grenades. Yeah, the smoke would have hidden you better. Go with smoke the next time.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Fake Bush and fake Powell arrested for fake war crimes
Apparently it's pretty easy to arrest fake movie Bush. The real one is considerably harder.
Can't we do this to real Bush? Toss him in prison for a few hours to try and scare him straight? He's backing strike plans on Iran for Christ's sake. Just get him out of the decision making chair for a few hours. Maybe just have some cops drive by him, slow to a crawl, and stare at him as they pass, their mirrored police shades adding a sinister level to the whole thing. Maybe one of them could point their baton at him and make the 'no, no' finger wag at him and the 'tsk, tsk' sound.
Tough love is the key.
If that doesn't work I'm all for violent hate.
Can't we do this to real Bush? Toss him in prison for a few hours to try and scare him straight? He's backing strike plans on Iran for Christ's sake. Just get him out of the decision making chair for a few hours. Maybe just have some cops drive by him, slow to a crawl, and stare at him as they pass, their mirrored police shades adding a sinister level to the whole thing. Maybe one of them could point their baton at him and make the 'no, no' finger wag at him and the 'tsk, tsk' sound.
Tough love is the key.
If that doesn't work I'm all for violent hate.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Broken News: Teen Detective Duo Murdered by Smugglers at Cove
BAYPORT, USA — The bodies of two teens were found today near Bayport Cove, the apparent victims of a gruesome murder described by local officials as, "sickening beyond any basic sense of human dignity" and a “stomach turning message to the people of Bayport.”
While the Police Department has not released the identities of two victims, they are widely believed to be teen amateur detectives Frank (16) and Joe (17) Hardy. However, due to the condition of what remained of the bodies, positive identification is impossible until dental records can be examined.
The duo, which gained local notoriety for solving the secret of The Old Mill, the mystery of Cabin Island, and finding the Tower Treasure, were apparently investigating international arms dealing, drug trafficking, and slavery rings long rumored to operate out of an area locals have nicknamed "Smuggler's Cove."
Bayport PD Police Chief Ezra Collig said that officers were able to discern that much from a journal fished out of a rotting torso pile near the cove's entrance. Also discovered were a compass corroded and rusted from seawater and blood, as well as what appears to be a crudely drawn Chinese map whose characters had been smudged beyond recognition by human entrails.
Also found on both boys were two passports, suggesting that the boys had either already tracked this group from overseas or planned to follow this case back to its source.
At a press conference earlier today, Chief Collig appeared distraught over his “boys will be boys” policy with the Hardys, having been something of an enabler when it came to their amateur detective escapades. This permissive approach on the part of law enforcement was only encouraged by the boys' father, Fenton Hardy, a former NYPD Detective Lieutenant turned Bayport area Private Investigator.
Both Fenton and Collig’s names came up last year in a federal investigation into the actions of an organization called American Teens Against Crime, a group allegedly started by the elder Hardy and supported locally by Chief Collig. The group reportedly recruited teenagers for intelligence-gathering endeavors deemed "too dangerous" for older, more experienced agents. While the investigation did not result in a trial, those past allegations combined with today’s gruesome events have cast a shadow over the careers of two decorated lawmen.
David Fina, a spokesman for the American Private Investigators Association, released a statement criticizing the two men for their behavior. “What kind of negligent moron allows teenagers to do casework, investigating thieves, smugglers, cattle rustlers, and ghost impersonators? Who on earth would give a 16 and a 17 year-old passports and allow them to used them, unsupervised I might add, for detective work normally tackled by hardened professionals?"
When asked if the APIA would press for further investigation, Fina replied, "You bet your sweet ass. We will also be filing a complaint on behalf of the Union. Hardy was using fuckin' scabs!"
Fenton Hardy could not be reached for comment. Later in the press conference, Collig, refusing to discuss his part in the matter and reading from a prepared statement, warned, "I would just like to remind Bayport youth that if you stumble onto an international cartel of murderous smugglers and drug dealers, for the love of Christ call the police or the FBI. Do not under any circumstances grab your kid brother and a pair of knapsacks and try to solve the case yourselves. These are global networks of hardened criminals, capable of much more than what was uncovered today. Please, do the decent thing and don't get involved."
Sources close to the department say that Collig's service records have been pulled and a full investigation into his role in this tragedy is already underway. A closed casket funeral for both boys is planned for Monday. In lieu of flowers, the family respectfully requests donations to Amnesty International, Boys and Girls Club of America, or The National Rifle Association.
While the Police Department has not released the identities of two victims, they are widely believed to be teen amateur detectives Frank (16) and Joe (17) Hardy. However, due to the condition of what remained of the bodies, positive identification is impossible until dental records can be examined.
The duo, which gained local notoriety for solving the secret of The Old Mill, the mystery of Cabin Island, and finding the Tower Treasure, were apparently investigating international arms dealing, drug trafficking, and slavery rings long rumored to operate out of an area locals have nicknamed "Smuggler's Cove."
Bayport PD Police Chief Ezra Collig said that officers were able to discern that much from a journal fished out of a rotting torso pile near the cove's entrance. Also discovered were a compass corroded and rusted from seawater and blood, as well as what appears to be a crudely drawn Chinese map whose characters had been smudged beyond recognition by human entrails.
Also found on both boys were two passports, suggesting that the boys had either already tracked this group from overseas or planned to follow this case back to its source.
At a press conference earlier today, Chief Collig appeared distraught over his “boys will be boys” policy with the Hardys, having been something of an enabler when it came to their amateur detective escapades. This permissive approach on the part of law enforcement was only encouraged by the boys' father, Fenton Hardy, a former NYPD Detective Lieutenant turned Bayport area Private Investigator.
Both Fenton and Collig’s names came up last year in a federal investigation into the actions of an organization called American Teens Against Crime, a group allegedly started by the elder Hardy and supported locally by Chief Collig. The group reportedly recruited teenagers for intelligence-gathering endeavors deemed "too dangerous" for older, more experienced agents. While the investigation did not result in a trial, those past allegations combined with today’s gruesome events have cast a shadow over the careers of two decorated lawmen.
David Fina, a spokesman for the American Private Investigators Association, released a statement criticizing the two men for their behavior. “What kind of negligent moron allows teenagers to do casework, investigating thieves, smugglers, cattle rustlers, and ghost impersonators? Who on earth would give a 16 and a 17 year-old passports and allow them to used them, unsupervised I might add, for detective work normally tackled by hardened professionals?"
When asked if the APIA would press for further investigation, Fina replied, "You bet your sweet ass. We will also be filing a complaint on behalf of the Union. Hardy was using fuckin' scabs!"
Fenton Hardy could not be reached for comment. Later in the press conference, Collig, refusing to discuss his part in the matter and reading from a prepared statement, warned, "I would just like to remind Bayport youth that if you stumble onto an international cartel of murderous smugglers and drug dealers, for the love of Christ call the police or the FBI. Do not under any circumstances grab your kid brother and a pair of knapsacks and try to solve the case yourselves. These are global networks of hardened criminals, capable of much more than what was uncovered today. Please, do the decent thing and don't get involved."
Sources close to the department say that Collig's service records have been pulled and a full investigation into his role in this tragedy is already underway. A closed casket funeral for both boys is planned for Monday. In lieu of flowers, the family respectfully requests donations to Amnesty International, Boys and Girls Club of America, or The National Rifle Association.
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