Chart of the day: Happy fuckers

We all know what the Cantril Self-Anchoring Striving Scale is, right? It's so ubiquitous as to not even merit explanation. But as I'm sure there are a few, let's call them "special needs readers", I'll just say that it's a way to measure personal well-being, judgment of quality of life, and feelings, among other things. It's also the basis http://www.gallup.com/poll/126977/Global-WellBeing-Surveys-Find-Nations-Worlds-Apart.aspx entitled Just a Little Too Happy Considering The Fucking State of World Affairs Right Now or Depressed and Demoralized Enough: A Look At Global Well-being.

In a nutshell, people are asked how they're doing, and those who don't respond "Fuck off Gallup" are classified into categories of "thriving," "struggling," or "suffering", compiled, and ranked on a country-by-country basis on a cool little interactive map midget that the bastards didn't make embeddable.

So what is the most miserable nation on earth? Togo at 1% "thriving". I would have put money on Haiti, but they only come in with a 4% "thriving" marker. True, that does represent most of the Fugees and those who were airlifted to the US, but it's still shockingly high. Taking the most miserable crown in Europe is Bulgaria at 6%. I wouldn't have guessed Bulgaria, but then again, I never would have thought of Bulgaria for any reason. Which I guess is part of their economic problems.

Which country is the most "thriving"? Was it ever any wonder: every Scandinavian country. Denmark (82%) and Finland (75%) top off the world rankings, with Norway (68%) and Sweden (67%) ranking highly as well. Now do you see the perils of socialist government?

And where does the United States of Freedom rank? With 57% "thriving", though most of those reporting they were thriving were in the banking and finance sectors and most of this survey was conducted between 2005 and 2009. I wonder if they're still doing all right? Where does that big shit 57% put us? Only behind Costa Rica (63%) and Canada (62%), Panama (58%), and Brazil (58%)..... and New Zealand (63%), Israel (62%), and Australia (62%)... and the Netherlands (68%), Switzerland (62%), and Austria (58%). But not Turkmenistan (52%)! So, uhhh.... yeah!

We do however rank #1 in... the region where the highest percentage of "thriving" countries are. Americas 42% thriving - Africa 8% thriving. You lose again, Africa. Americas, Americas, Americas!

So if you're ever feeling down about the state of America and feelings about self worth and happiness, at least you can always say "At least I don't live in Togo" and have a statistical well-being analysis to back up that supposition.

Americans are an ungrateful people

On the same day he handed over 32 million new customers to the health care and insurance industries, Barry gets hit with this new Harris poll. We, however, get to be entertained by statistical irrelevance birthed by suggestive phrasing and innuendo. Seriously, this is some amazing shit, even for an obvious push poll. According to this poll, 57% of Republicans believe that Barack Obama is a Muslim.

Sure. As evidenced by his long-standing relationship with the Trinity United Church of Christ and its campaign manager's dream of a former pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, not to mention the extremely public retelling of his journey to Christianity.

Also found in the poll:

• 67% of Republicans believe that Obama is a socialist.
• 62% of Republicans believe that Fruit Punch is a gay boxer.
• 45% of Republicans believe that Obama was "not born in the United States."
• 77% of Republicans believe that "Lost" will sort itself out by season's end.
• 38% of Republicans believe that Obama is "doing many things Hitler did."
• 51% of Republicans believe that John Boehner's skin tone is natural.
• 24% of Republicans believe that Obama "may be the antiChrist."
• 83% of Republicans believe that Greedo shot first.

How we love you, Harris Polling. You make Louie Gohmert look like a fucking constitutional law scholar.

Broken News: Some bitch just got told and shit

THE SUBURBS—Shocking news and shit from the mall as sources close to some motherfuckers who saw it all go down say that some bitch definitely got told raw dog style in front of a whole bunch of fuckin’ people.

These motherfuckers say that this bitch was actin’ all high and mighty and shit to this other bitch so this second bitch was all like, “Oh no you didn’t” and totally told that first bitch what the fuck was fuckin’ what. Early reports have people saying it was totally off the fuckin’ hook and shit and it was like the greatest fuckin’ thing they ever seen in their whole fuckin’ lives.

“Yeah so this one bitch was getting’ all up in everyone’s face talkin’ about ‘how they ain’t shit’ and shit,” says Erica Patterson, a nosy sophomore bitch from the West River High… YOU MOTHERFUCKERS AIN’T SHIT!

“So this other bitch is all like ‘Nuh-uh, you trashy ass bitch. You the one who ain’t shit!’ And then this second bitch told this other bitch just who was runnin’ this shit. It was the illest shit I ever saw go down in front of a mall food court Sbarro’s. Needless to say there was motherfuckin’ pepperoni and red hot pepper flakes all over these bitches after the shit went down.”

All in all it was some awesome ass shit for people to fuckin’ see while they were trying to chow down before they went over to the fuckin’ Hot Topic to get their asses a fuckin’ Team Jacob shirt. Y’heard?

But some whining ass motherfuckers think this shit ain’t fuckin’ cool and they want to piss and moan and bitch like some bitches about this shit. Fuck ‘em and their motherfuckin’ doctorates. Fuckin' letters after their name and shit.

“This is just part of an alarming trend we’re seeing all over the the suburban outskirts of this city as estimates predict that, by the end of the year, nearly 65% of bitches will have been told,” observed some smarty art motherfucker named Dr. Garret Yates from a college or university or some shit.

“In fact we’re not only seeing more bitches getting told, but a rise in motherfuckers getting told, shit going down, shit getting real, shit blowing up, and all manner of shit getting off the chain. If early estimates and projections are accurate, nearly one fourth of all mall, movie theater, bar, and chain restaurant visitors will have witnessed shit going down, with nearly one third of those suffering collateral damage from some bitch, skank, motherfucker, or group of motherfuckers getting told.”

But this egghead fuck with his numbers and calculators and computrons with the numbers that he loves so much he oughtta fuckin’ marry them, isn’t the only complaining bitch that doesn’t think this shit is amazing.

“Yo, check this,” said bitch ass bitch Tony Garibaldi, this senior motherfucker from my high school who thinks his shit don’t stink. “It’s getting’ so you a man can’t take his girl out to see the Alvin and the Chipmunks Squeakquel or out to rent Meet the Spartans without a high chance of shit gettin’ real. God fuckin’ forbid you try to go out for a nice meal at TGI Friday’s and get some Jack Daniels Chicken Bacon Ranch Poppers without some bitch comin’ up and tellin’ your girl about how you tried to bang her after the Sadie Hawkins dance.”

“Fuck man, people just need to chill the fuck out,” this bitch moaned.

While some think shit needs to stop gettin’ so damn real while others believe there needs to be “less lame white high school motherfuckers everywhere ruining shit for everyone else”, none are disputing how fucking cool it was when that trick-ass bitch got told.

“No man,” backtracked that bitch Dr. Yates. “I totally heard that bitch needed to be told. That shit was completely… ill? Is that the word I’m looking for? I just think we need to distinguish from when a bitch really needs to be told, as was evidently the case here, and whether all bitches everywhere need to be constantly told, which seems to be the case now. It’s a question of restraint and proper resource distribution.”

Whatever. Sources still report that shit was off the hook and that bitch reportedly still can’t believe she got told.

America word good

That's right America, for the first time since the invention of the TV, America's dependence on the boob tube declined as its reading levels actually increased with the development of new technologies. Sure, most of what we're reading is instructions on how to properly download porn, captions of cats who think they can has cheezburger, and news stories about the decline on newspapers, but it all still counts. The average American consumed 3.6 billion terabytes of information last year, or 11.8 hours of information consumption per day.

So walk a little taller, America. You may have replaced books and magazines with Twitter and texting, but you can technically be described as reading more. And isn't that the best kind of societal advancement; one divorced from any sort of context but adhering to such a rigid classification that it counts under a stringent interpretation of the rules?

Sorry, you probably didn't understand that last sentence. Can haz read moar? Gud hoo-man, gud read making. Iz samrter now.

Broken News: Study reveals that most bibles are purchased in order to conceal weapons

STATESBORO—As both the Christmas season and fiscal year come to a close, today the National Association of Religious Manufacturers released a troubling statistical survey on the religious habits of Americans. According to their figures, nearly 90% of all new bibles are purchased solely for the purpose of hollowing them out and storing some kind of item inside, usually a stabbing implement.

The study, which was jointly confirmed by the National Organization of Catholic Churches, raises new questions about the beliefs and practices of the US religious community.

“I suspected the number of bibles used to hide drugs, money, or a shiv that you wish to jab in the neck of a prison snitch who knows just a little too much about your business would be high. But to see that almost no one is buying a bible to actually read it? That’s just not something I was prepared for,” remarked Jasper Boykins of the Catholic League.

In fact according to the study, the most common items stored inside on a hollowed out bible were methamphetamines, a shiv made from a bedpost, a shiv made from a toothbrush, a knife that had been smuggled inside someone’s ass, a shiv made out of mess hall utensils, and a shiv made out of a smaller, hardcover bible.

“Statistically speaking it’s mostly shivs or any object that can be used to stab or 'knife fuck' as the kids call it. Prison is a shiv and shank based society,” observed Dr. Henry Farkins, a Professor of Statistics at the University of Georgia who ran the study. “What I found most interesting is that most people preferred to use the old school method of carving out a hollow inside the bible that conformed to the shape of the object they were hiding. In my dealings with bibles I’ve found that’s the most reliable may to hide a killing implement while still maintaining the structural integrity that a bible needs to sustain to remain a sufficient object of deception.”

“Now some will just hollow out a rectangle, preferring instead to use the bible as a more generalized carrying case for all manner of murderous gew-gaws, deadly curios, and Sudafed meth. A lethal hope chest if you will,” continued Farkins. “But you’re just opening yourself up to suspicious rattling noises and an improper weight distribution in case someone picks up your bible to comment on just how devout you are.”

But while ‘concealing an imminent or upcoming attack or murder’ was the reason most commonly cited in new bible purchases, it was not the only one. Also rating highly were ‘concealing flask/alcoholism from wife’, ‘concealing stolen cash from post-church collection plate money count’, ‘using as a prop to convince evangelicals that you’ve already been converted and no longer need to hear about the miracle of Jesus Christ’, and ‘used to dramatically reveal to a crooked, religious warden that the full weight of his criminal dealings are about to come crashing down on him’.

“Ooh, that’s a good one,” exclaimed Dr. John Stephens, a mathematician whose own work studying the relation of how the size of the cross on someone’s wall was inversely proportionate to how religiously superior they wanted to feel to guests in their home was cited as an inspiration in this study.

“I mean you’ve spent all that time concealing the warden’s criminal activities, then, on the night you escape, you leave the bible with a note telling the warden how you’ve mailed off all the incriminating evidence to the authorities and media, finishing it off with a sarcastic quote from the book about judgment or justice. Classic bible usage!”

What this means for the church or religious manufacturers is not yet fully known, but already some companies are moving to scrap their bible lines in order to sell pre-hollowed out religious texts. It’s is expected that the money saved on printing and paper costs will lead to a surge in profits for 2010.

But these early measures are already being criticized as “missing the point.”

“Look, the relationship between a man and his bible is important,” explained Dr. Farkins. “When a man buys a bible he is making a commitment to himself to hollow it out to his own specifications to hide whatever it is he needs to hide from the prying and judgmental eyes of others. You can’t take that experience away from people.”

“We have to remember why the bible was created in the first place: as a means of hiding dangerous weapons or secrets, the discovery of which would result in damaging personal repercussions from the surrounding community. That’s why they call it The Good Book.”

“Besides,” he finished. “What else are you going to do with the thing? Read it?”

High fives all around

High five someone today. Walk around with a little bit of a strut. Why? Because 520,000 people lost their jobs last month. And that's great news.

The number of U.S. workers filing new claims for jobless benefits fell for a third straight week last week, government data showed on Thursday, indicating some loss of force in the pace of the labor market's deterioration.

Initial claims for state unemployment insurance benefits fell 4,000 to a seasonally adjusted 621,000 in the week ended May 30, the Labor Department said. The week covered the Memorial Day holiday, which could have had an impact on the data.

Analysts polled by Reuters had forecast new claims slipping to 620,000 from a previously reported count of 623,000.

The number of people staying on the benefit rolls after collecting an initial week of aid fell 15,000 to 6.74 million in the week ended May 23, the latest week for which the data is available.

This was the first time that so-called continued claims have declined since the week of January 3 and was also the first time in 17 weeks that they did not set a record. That held the insured unemployment rate at 5.0 percent.

Productivity even rose 1.6%. Seems like this horrific financial apocalypse is going to avoid that whole apocalypse. Which is a little disappointing as I have all these canned goods, bullets, and just finished armoring up a Daewoo Lanos for raiding purposes. But it is good news for the country...as long as you squint your eyes a bit and try not to focus your mind on the fact that over half a million people still lost their jobs last month. Sure, these are still horrifying figures, but they need to be put in context. Soon we'll be into the heady territory of "only 300,000 people lost their jobs this month" and maybe even within six months we'll be down to a point where the Obama Administration can give us the individual names of the dozen or so people who lost their jobs. Then we can start the task of rebuilding our shattered society and taking down all the razor wire and road barriers we put up, "just in case."

In addition to being a major boner-kill to survival fetishists, this jobs report (combined with GM finally starting to get its shit wired) has also scuttled plans to move the remaining population of Detroit five miles down the road so that the city-husk can be used by the military to give troops combat training inside of bombed out urban desolation. It's a good news/bad news type of day. So remember: half a million people losing their jobs is good news for the foreseeable (non-apocalyptic) future. Isn't it great?

Important chart of the day

via Big. Crush.

It's important to note that while records are hard to come by it is almost assured that the Presidents of the late 1700's and early 1800's at had some pirates killed on behalf of this great nation. But since the advent of steam locomotion it's clear that one man and one man only holds the title of America's greatest pirate killing president: Barack Obama.

Eat it Taft.

Seventh heaven

Employers Slash Nearly 600,000 Jobs--Most Since 1974

Recession-battered employers eliminated 598,000 jobs in January, the most since the end of 1974, and catapulted the unemployment rate to 7.6 percent. The grim figures were further proof that the nation's job climate is deteriorating at an alarming clip with no end in sight.

The Labor Department's report, released Friday, showed the terrible toll the drawn-out recession is having on workers and companies. It also puts even more pressure on Congress and President Barack Obama's administration to revive the economy through a stimulus package and a revamped financial bailout plan, both of which are nearing completion.

The latest net total of job losses was far worse than the 524,000 that economists expected. Job reductions in November and December also were deeper than previously reported.

If you didn't kill yourselves while reading that, congratulations, you have a will strong enough to do what is necessary to survive the coming wars. Boy though, that is a depressing couple of paragraphs, isn't it? Which is nice, since we're headed for a Depression. Recession battered, eliminated, grim , deteriorating, no end in sight, terrible toll, drawn out, pressure, revive, far worse, reductions, deeper than previously reported. I'm not sure what other horrible descriptors the AP could have added to the beginning of the piece, unless they described the recession as some fire wyvern eating the still alive corpses of our beloved children.

Guess what? Each day something isn't done it'll get worse. Don't worry though, your elected betters are on it, bravely saying "we'll get to it sometime" while squabbling over whether they should sink an almost trillion dollar bailout bill because they don't like a provision that gives $1 million to a school for the blind so they can buy talking computers for the little sightless ingrates or the provision that provides $500,000 to promote shoe wax awareness month. 7.6% This is as good as it gets.

Obama up big in early voting

FiveThirtyEight has Obama leading big, very big, in early voting states. While cautioning everyone that the early voting numbers are subject to statistical vagaries like any other subgroup, they did say this:

Nevertheless, Obama is leading by an average of 23 points among early voters in these five states, states which went to George W. Bush by an average of 6.5 points in 2004.

Our bank of These Bastards Statisticianarian Experts informs us that this lead would not have occurred without Obama's conquering of the X-Box realm and subsequent enslavement of its easily swayed, cheeto-filled populace.

Added happy note: The Minnesota Senate race between Al Franken and Norman Bertram Freemason Coleman is now listed in the "tilting Dem" category.

Broken In Brief: Statistically speaking, nobody noticed

WASHINGTON--Four separate national polls confirmed today that, in spite of myriad challenges to the physical well-being, social solvency, and intellectual advancement of the human race, nobody much gave a shit. A Gallup tracking poll covering the period of August 30 to September 1 indicated that 7% of those surveyed were "very concerned" with the "apocalyptic downward spiral of civilization, with 24% "kind of OK with it," and 68% "wondering when 30 Rock was going to start up again." 1% fell asleep during the poll, after which a telecast of "WWE Raw" could be heard in the background.

Both a Rasmussen and CBS News poll confirmed the findings, with the latter adding a separate category: Too Old to Understand (4%). Statisticians pointed to the lone dissenter, in the form of a Reuters poll conducted over the same time period which chose to delineate between the roughly 2/3 "Don't give a shit," offering options such as "Only while drunk" (22%), "If a girl is around" (11%), and "Whatever my boss says during this lunch" (35%). When asked to comment, Zogby poll representatives were too busy masturbating with slide rules to offer their own findings.