Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.14

Modern Toss' Periodic Table of British Swearing. Click to embiggen you 71 with 76 and a 79.

Maybe you were clued into this fact when you went outside last week and your brain melted, your shirt soaked through, and you begged unsuccessfully for God to kill you immediately, but it was fucking hot. The hottest January to June in recorded history. If you were one of those douches who complain the global warming is a myth or hoax or were one of those shitbags who was yelling how there couldn't be global warming because there was so much snow over the winter, know this: next time it hits 90 and I have to listen to one of you jerkoffs spout off about Al Gore, I'm lighting you on fire. Spread the word.

In The World Is Full of Deadbeat Scum News, remember all that money every country pledged to Haiti and then patted themselves on the back for, it's citizens clapping and cheering for the gesture and then never bothering to ever check back on to see how Haiti was doing? Turns out only 1.9% of that money has made it to Haiti. Not that it matters. That money was about making us feel better, not Haiti. And we do feel better. What's Haiti? Haven't even thought about it in months. Mission accomplished.

Are you one of those people who thinks that a gas station sandwich is too luxurious a gastronomic delicacy to partake in? Good news, that's why science has created Candwich: the Sandwich in a can. Maybe the idea of eating a BBQ chicken sandwich in a Mountain Dew can doesn't seem appealing, but did I mention there was a candy surprise? On the bright side, this product is the result of SEC fraud and a real estate swindle, and how many awful foodstuffs can say that?

If you had to guess where the nexus of dumb parents, dumb school districts, fear of technology, misunderstanding of technology, misunderstanding of drugs, and fear of youth gone wild was, Oklahoma would have to come up early in the discussion right? That's where a school district is under the grip of kids downloading and listening to "digital drugs" and "i-dosers", sounds/songs that are supposed to create a drug like euphoria. *sighs* This sounds like a town ripe for the taking from a shady monorail salesman. Whatever happened to huffing gas and listing to Dark Side of the Moon? I think everyone should just abide by my one rule: technology is a witch, burn it. It is responsible for the Candwich after all.

As some of you are aware, the threat of robot attack is constant. But today I bring you news of an even greater threat: psychic warrior octopi. Of course we are referring to Paul, a German octopus who correctly predicted the last eight World Cup matches. Some might say that this is just random luck and that the octopus was probably just picking flags based on which one has more yellow in it. To them I say: octopi are probably color blind. I think it's much more likely it can see around the curvature of spacetime and into the future.

We all love Mel Gibson and his humorous awful misogyny and equal opportunity racism. Even if it did likely cost us a movie where he walked around with a beaver hand puppet and then committed suicide. But for those who didn't like Mel's various affronts to all human decency, would perhaps cute kittens saying his most heinous 20 quotes change your mind? C'mon, forgive him. Look at the beaver movie picture. That goddamn thing has to be allowed come out.

Chart of the day

via the New York Times Economix blog comes this chart from recent census data on the economic disparity gaps between men and women. As a whole, women make 77.9% of what men make. In the 21st Century. C+ equality! I guess that means we probably don't have to do anything else besides making it easier to sue after income disparity is discovered. Dust off those hands boys, our work is done.

Good news though, if you're a woman and lucky enough to live in DC, you get to make 88% of what a man does, with NY, California, Arizona, and Maryland close behind. If you want to live where women make more than men, you either need furtive imaginations or a desire to live in Puerto Rico, where women make 101.1% of what men make.

Unfortunately, if you're a woman living in Wyoming then you have to deal with the fact that you live in Wyoming. But in addition to that, you suffer the worst pay disparity at 64.3% and you are also subject to regulations that state that Dick Cheney can hunt you for sport if he is displeased with the meal he is legally authorized to demand from any of age woman in the state. That's just adding insult to injury.

Broken News: California to, um, pay you on Tuesday and shit

The Governor, moments after he realized he'd have to star in Terminator 5 and Predator 3 just to keep the schools open

SACRAMENTO—Amid reports of a state budget crisis that threatens to perpetuate government shutdowns, service cuts, missed payments, and defaulted loans, California reassured the world today that everything is copacetic and that the world's 7th largest economy is "totally good for it."

At a press conference held earlier today, Assistant Press Secretary, Barry "Skeeter" Hamilton sought to quell rumors that the state, which has been in a somewhat dire fiscal condition for years now, was in danger of watching its government and infrastructure completely collapse.

"Dude," Hamilton, who asked to be referred to as Skeeter in the press, began, "We totally just want to tell everyone not to panic. Really, chill. Sure, we got some problems, brah. But who doesn't? I mean, Iran just had that coup and Honduras is trying to figure out how to get away with rigging their presidential election. Speaking of which, why do they call it 'rigging?' Isn't that rope? I mean, if you think about it..."

After flashbulbs from the attendant press roused him, Skeeter continued, "Yeah, so don't go blowing your top. Tops. Top top top... So, yeah, trust us. We'll get you the money, we swear. We're totally good for. We're Cali, baby, we'll come through. We just, like, need a little time to sort some shit out. And if we start to totally get hosed, we'll just bring in Blotter."

It was at this point that Mr. Hamilton proceeded to spin an elaborate story about how bail money for California's deadbeat cousin, lackluster returns from a t-shirt & grilled cheese sale in the parking lot of a Widespread Panic show, and an utterly asinine political system that leaves government at the propositional whims of a notoriously head-fucked electorate had left the state "just a little shy" of the $24 billion required to keep it solvent for the next fiscal year.

The solution, according to Skeeter, will come in the form of IOU's issued to creditors, which he assured everyone were, "like, totally as good as money." Skeeter then added, "Come on, man. We're fucking California! You know we're gonna make up for it. Where are we gonna hide? Ask around, brah, people will tell you we're cool."

Despite California's reassurances, the situation looks more dire by the day. Some reports have Governor Schwarzenegger accepting new movie roles in exchange for studios subsidizing essential services, while others claim that parts of the state have been discounted and offered to Mexico as part of a new "sorry we stole it in the first place" sale.

California is not the only state to face potential fiscal crisis during the recession. Indiana has elected to print counterfeit money, while Illinois issued a formal statement declaring its intention to "break the thumbs" of anyone who tried to collect on its debt.

Pennsylvania absconded with all of its possessions in the middle of the night, leaving no forwarding address. Fastened to its front door with a kitchen knife was a note reading, "You'll never see a fucking dime."

Arizona was able to settle an undisclosed but reportedly significant portion of its debt by marrying Cindy McCain and letting her take care of the bills, whereas Ohio sought a temporary solution by paying for its education and social programs with credit cards taken out in California's name.

Connecticut was curious as to why some creditors and lawmakers had thought it was in financial trouble, as it "totally remembers writing a check for the bill and sending it off.” The Nutmeg State attributed what it called "wildly speculative and reactionary paranoia" to a simple postal error, ensuring its state programs that the check was in the mail.

Those who think California's plan to hand out IOU's in lieu of payment was, at best, extremely childish and, at worst, completely fucking ridiculous, were told by the state that any contractor, construction firm, social services center, hospital, or out-of-state debtor unhappy with the plan can redeem their IOU in Washington DC, where The Golden State suspects most of its confiscated weed is kept.

The state also announced that it is willing to perform free massages and engage in a discussion of the recently published policy paper by the State Budget Office entitled "A Study on the Feasibility and Viability of Pleasant Conclusions."

After strongly suggested that all in attendance "Read it and shit," Skeeter told those assembled he would give them further details after he laid down for a bit and recovered from "that laser light that hit me in the eye at the Blue Oyster Cult show."

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.10

Gingrich: Americans ‘surrounded by paganism.’
Newt, fresh off of declaring people racist and giving speech tips to Sarah Palin, decided he hadn't spent enough time pandering to the religious right. And really, he is going to need support from the religious type is we are going to have our 2012 Newt-volution. In a wide ranging speech he declared Christianity the foundation of everything, claimed the Prop 8 victory was a "miracle from God's hand", and warned that America is under constant threat from pagan influences. It was unclear if he meant just the Harry Potter books or was including all the Pagan traditions Christians swiped for their holidays. He would have expounded, but he had to leave early to go cheat on his 4th wife with his future 5th wife.

U.S. clears 10 big banks to repay bailout funds
What do you know, they actually paid the money back. $68 billion to be precise. Funnily enough this caused an initial rise in the stock market before it "later shed most of the gains on concern the money could be better used for lending to boost the economy rather than paying it back to Treasury." That's right, the market reacts poorly to taxpayers getting paid back. I hope you don't have any plans for that money, like health care or a couple more months in Iraq, we need that money for car companies. Thanks banks, let's hope this was actually a good idea and not just some shortsighted attempt to unburden yourselves from all those regulations. I know what I'm betting on.

Gore To North Korea? Obama May Send Ex-VP To Negotiate Journalists' Release
Turns out the Obama Administration might need Al Gore to get off his fat, global warming, Nobel winning ass and start doing something productive. Like hostage negotiations. Because....uh....Al Gore...uh...something something. Why is this a good idea? Has he ever done anything like this before? Maybe Obama is just hoping that because the two journalists worked for Gore's Current network, he'll be extra motivated to get them back on the job and earning him some scratch, instead of lounging it in a North Korean prison camp, building Kim Jong-Il a really big waterslide.

A Brief History of Erotic Asphyxiation
In honor of David Carradine, who's sexual self suffocation has given me the immense please of hearing Nancy O'Dell, Pat O'Brien, and Mary Hart talk about auto-erotic asphyxiation and other celebrities bizarre sexually/drug related deaths. From Frantisek Kotzwara to Michael hutchence to the Snake Charmer himself, learn the complete history of what happens when you don't have a spotter watching you while you wank it with a belt around your neck.

Remote Pacific nation to take Gitmo detainees
Finally the US Government has found something to do with the 17 innocent Chinese Uighur Muslims that it had been holding a Guantanamo for no good reason: they're shipping them off to another island. But this time it's in the Pacific! They're getting a one way ticket to Palau. Interesting facts about Palau. 1. There were actually more people being held at Gitmo than are citizens of Palau. 2. Chances are your house is bigger than Palau. 3. In order to get them to take these 17 innocent people, we're going to have to pay them close to $200 million in development assistance. 4. It will pretty much be swallowed by the sea if the ice caps melt any more.So good luck Uighurs, hope you enjoyed our hospitality. Hope Al Gore's hostage negotiations don't take too much time away from his trying to prevent the destruction of your new home.

Broken In Brief: World’s creditors hire mob muscle, demand payment of American debts

ZURICH—Today the creditors, financial institutions and foreign governments of the world, spurred on by the recent economic crisis, demanded that the United States pay it’s nearly $6.5 trillion dollars in outstanding public debt. To show the seriousness of their demands, the consortium announced that they had hired mob muscle to collect the debt and had told them to do so by “any means necessary.”

“It’s time to pay up,” said Heinrich Gellar, spokesman for the group. “The world is tired of funding your continued excesses and we need to start looking out for our own bottom line. We have instructed out friends in the… extra-legal services department... that they are to use whatever methods they can devise to get our money from the collection of destitute gold-brickin' deadbeats you call a 'nation.'”

Already there were reports of bookies and bag men busting up the Washington Monument, but spokesman for the street toughs said it had all been a misunderstanding and that a few of their associates had just gotten clumsy, tripped, and accidentally knocked the beloved structure over. New York made early reports of its storefront windows being broken and there are unconfirmed reports about Wisconsin having its head put in a vise. President Obama and Treasury Secretary Geithner were quick to point out that the country has gone through a bit of a run of bad luck and that if they could just cut them some slack the US would "totally pay them Tuesday and shit." In a press conference to the assembled media, Geithner made several vague allusions to a tip on a horse he had been given.

The mobsters were quick to respond, throwing Georgia out of a moving car and slowly pushing sewing needles underneath Colorado's fingernails. Representatives for the mobsters said that if America didn’t have the money by next week that, “maybe California ain’t gonna look so pretty no more.” Insiders within the White House are quietly hoping Geithner’s bet on the ponies will work out, otherwise Nevada might be forced to trade sexual favors for another extension.

Nobody was even willing to think about what might happen to Ohio, though one mob peon, speaking on condition of fucking anonymity, shrugged and said, "like anyone would notice."