Electric earth

Gophers. I hate them, you hate them, we all hate them. Tunneling in here, taking our jobs. By gophers I mean Mexicans. They tunnel in here too, right? I'm not sure. I think I may have mixed up a racist metaphor here. Maybe I need Rand Paul to explain other similarities between underground dwelling tunneling mammals and Mexicans looking to cross the border, otherwise his new suggestion for the border doesn't make much sense.

Republican Senatorial candidate Rand Paul wants to build a fence along the U.S.-Mexico border. It's a rather ho-hum proposition in the larger context of conservative ideas -- except that Paul wants that fence to be electric and he wants it built underground.

Among the variety of proposals to stem illegal immigration along the southern border, the construction of an underground electrical fence appears to stand alone on the extreme. ... Indeed, when approached in the halls of Senate several weeks ago and asked about the idea (though not told who proposed it), National Republican Senate Committee Chair John Cornyn (R-Tex.) assumed it was a joke.

"I have not heard that," the Texas Republican said. "Underground? What would happen? How would that work?"

That's actually a good question and one that Paul's campaign won't answer. His website says only the following: "My plans include an underground electric fence, with helicopter stations to respond quickly to breaches of the border." The details of how it would be built, what it would take to make it work and how much it would cost are left unanswered.

Surely this is all just a massive misunderstanding over a typo. Surely he means an electronic fence. Something that monitors the border... electronically. Not some sort of fence that shocks people if they touch it... only buried underground. No? He repeatedly mentions it on his website and in public? Whoo boy.

Alright, I'm no electrical expert. I'm only tangentially related to a couple of electricians (father and brother). But the way I understand electricity, other than the fact that it involves high tech lighting bolt capture and that elves force it out the magic holes in our walls, is that it involves this concept called "Grounding". Wherein there are means and methods employed to prevent contact with dangerous voltages if electrical insulation. There are many ways to "ground" an electrical system, but they all stem from the fact that the physical ground, aka dirt, is a zero voltage conductor that can absorb an near limitless amount of current. In other words: you can't fucking electrify the ground no matter how many fences you bury underneath it.

You would think a doctor, no matter if it is one who certified himself, would understand this. Nope. He wants to spend at least a billion dollars building the underground electrical fence in the hopes that the pure force of his libertarian ideals will electrify the ground.... or in effort to stop what he must assume are a large number of Mexicans that tunnel in to this country.

Eh, I'm for it. It'll be a less egregious waste of money than most of the stuff we do. Plus it'll give us the moment where a bunch of technicians explain to Rand why his plan to bury fences and pump volts into the earth hasn't seemed to work on anything except the Southwestern Border Gopher and the moment where he rushes over to Google, types in "electric" then "electronic", slaps his forehead, and then says something like "Maybe.... we should.... increase the.... watts?" That's worth a billion or two, right?

Razing Arizona

If you've been wondering how Arizona could get even classier and find a way to top its "HEY! YOU LOOK MEXICAN!" law, they're here to tell you they've finally thought of it. You know how we all hate the Constitution? You're in luck, Arizona does too.

Buoyed by recent public opinion polls suggesting they're on the right track with illegal immigration, Arizona Republicans will likely introduce legislation this fall that would deny birth certificates to children born in Arizona — and thus American citizens according to the U.S. Constitution — to parents who are not legal U.S. citizens. The law largely is the brainchild of state senator Russell Pearce, a Republican whose suburban district, Mesa, is considered the conservative bastion of the Phoenix political scene.
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But the likely new bill is for the kids. While SB1070 essentially requires of-age migrants to have the proper citizenship paperwork, the potential "anchor baby" bill blocks the next generation from ever being able to obtain it. The idea is to make the citizenship process so difficult that illegal immigrants pull up the anchor and leave.
...
But that was 1868. Today, Pearce says the 14th Amendment has been "hijacked" by illegal immigrants. "They use it as a wedge," Pearce says.

Ah yes, the quintessentially American state of mind that causes us to see our laws and way of life as under an imaginary threat ("The Mexicans is takin' over illegally!") and then go about dismantling those freedoms, undermining that way of life, and violating our laws in order to "protect" ourselves. This time that onerous 14th Amendment has to go. Just who does that legal document outlining the supreme law of the United States think it is?

So head back to Mexico illegals and take your US citizen children with you. The Governor says so. Stop plaguing us with the "wrong" and "immoral" ways in which you situation confiens to our Constitution. What did your children do to deserve to be citizens anyway? It's not like they did what Governor Brewer and Rep. Pearce did to become citizens: be born white and then act with a smug sense of entitlement that they "earned" their natural born citizenship.

So eat it, Mexicans and the Constitution. Mexicans, sure, your US born kids might be US citizens, but consider this your first lesson in the way American works: our laws usually have tons of wiggle room when it comes to "the tans" and "the darks". Teach your kids that... from Guadalajara. And to the Constitution, sure we may bleat on and on about how you're the supreme law of the land, but that's only when you don't piss off right wing white people and their attempts to demonize minorities for naked political purposes. Then you're an onerous burden. Shape up or we'll start ignoring you on even more stuff besides the 14th amendment and all the war on terror/spying stuff. Get it straight.

TB Vacation Guide

It's summer! And with the ball sweltering heat comes weddings for couples who are inconsiderate to the plight of people in suits standing outside on a 90 degree day. Maybe you're one of those couples. So of course the question arises "Where should we spend out honeymoon?" or, if you're a true blooded American, "Where should me and the boys go for the bachelor party?" Well, have you ever considered a trip to beautiful Arizona? What will you do there? Would you be interested if I said "Whomp on fuckin' beaners who try to sneak over the border just because they want a better life for their families!"? Of course you would. Luckily there's a contest you can enter for this dream vacation.

In response, a local radio station launched a contest to send a listener to Phoenix to “spend a weekend chasing aliens“:

610 WTVN would like to send you where Americans are proud and illegals are scared, sunny Phoenix, Arizona! You’ll spend a weekend chasing aliens and spending cash in the desert, just make sure you have your green card!

Good luck and I hope it's the trip of your dreams. If you're down there, can I ask you keep on the lookout for this Dora character? She claims she's an "Explorer" but that's just an excuse to traipse across our border. And that monkey she pals around with has gotta be all kinds of fucking illegal.

Raaaaaaaaaaandy

This post-primary period has been tough for Ran Paul. When everyone in the national media rushes to point out how childish your ideology is when it's said out loud and you have to spend all your time backtracking and assuring people that you want black people to vote, things aren't going great. Then the libertarians completely back away from you and Senate Minority Whip and fellow Kentuckian Republican Mitch McConnell starts intimating that you need to seriously consider shutting the fuck up and going away.

So what does one do to shore up these mistakes and prove your libertarian, Constitution loving bona fides? By advocating for insanely expensive methods of capturing Mexicans and opining how you'd love it if someone would pass a law that violated the 14th Amendment. Naturally.

I recently have been talking more about satellite observation. They say you can sit in front of the store here and a satellite can read the headline on your newspaper. So I think you could also monitor your border with satellites, and then you just have to have some means of intercepting people who come in illegally. You could have helicopters stations positioned every couple of hundred miles. . .

We’re the only country I know of that allows people to come in illegally have a baby and then that baby becomes a citizen. And I think that should stop also.

Hey nothing says libertarian quite like government agencies using spy satellites to direct surveillance and black helicopter brigades to anyone suspicious on the border. But it's nice to know that a man who admits to getting nude and rubbing himself down with the Bill of Rights and feels that before passing a piece of legislation Congress “should point to where in the Constitution they get the authority for it” has no qualms with passing a law that directly violates the Constitution. I just wonder what part of the Constitution he's going to point to when he tries to pass this "Fuck you, freeloading babies" Law. Maybe he'll fake a siezure or claim he was being asked "gotcha" questions.

I guess that libertarian/strict constructionist line of thought goes out the window when it either deals with issues that affect Rand himself or deals with Mexican bashing making it easier for him to get elected.

Ah, but we're talking as if gross hypocrisy and appearing to be a little bit racist against blacks and Mexicans is actually a negative in a Kentucky political contest. He's ahead right now anywhere from 3 points to 25 points. We at TB Industries look forward to Raaaaaaaaaaandy dragging down the intelligence level of the US Senate. We didn't think that was possible.

Keep on staying classy, Arizona

Pop quiz, hotshot. How do you know someone is a fierce advocate for Constitutional rights?

Well, for one, they're probably shouting it at the top of their lungs. Secondly, if they're a lawmaker, they're shouting it right in the moments before they try to do something grossly and nakedly unconstitutional.

In this case, our example comes from the Great State of Arizona. "Great" being infused with all the sarcasm and bile I can possibly muster, which is considerable. You remember Arizona, right? In order to protect themselves from Santa Anna's new covert invasion and protect the Constitution that Jesus died writing, they passed a law basically saying they could stop anyone for anything and then demand they prove citizenship or face jail and deportation. You know, like our founding fathers intended.

They followed that up with an attempt at some small bore racism against Mexicanos by prohibiting ethnic studies classes and proclaiming that people with accents couldn't teach English classes. Because I think that they think what you learn in High School English is actually how to speak English and not how to get by without fully reading the ultra-gay books of Salinger, Shakespeare, and Chaucer.

So it's with those two laws in mind that the architect of the immigration one deciding that in order to protect the United States of Freedom and the Constitution, he had to declare war on America's newest enemy: babies. Freeloading babies.

A Phoenix news station (KPHO) is reporting that the state Senator behind Arizona’s new immigration law, Russell Pearce (R), does not intend on stopping at SB-1070. In e-mails obtained by the local CBS affiliate, Pearce said he intends to push for an “anchor baby” bill that would essentially overturn the 14th amendment by no longer granting citizenship to the children of undocumented immigrants born on U.S. soil.
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KPHO obtained a troubling email from one of Pearce’s constituents who is encouraging him to pursue the “anchor baby” legislation. KPHO reports:

One of the e-mails written by someone else but forwarded by Pearce reads: “If we are going to have an effect on the anchor baby racket, we need to target the mother. Call it sexist, but that’s the way nature made it. Men don’t drop anchor babies, illegal alien mothers do.” [...]

Pearce said his new idea is not only legal but constitutional. “It’s common sense,” Pearce said.

This law that he says is Constitutional is otherwise known as completely violating the 14th Amendment. You know, the one where it says you're a citizen if you're born here. Who can be bother with reading the fine print on an Amendment? There's Mexicans tunneling under the border to pick strawberries! Our way of life is being threatened!

But I think we all understand where Pearce is coming from. I mean these Mexican babies haven't done all the hard work to be an American that Pearce and his fellow Arizona GOP members did when they were born: namely being born white. I mean if these Latino babies were smart and truly worthy of being Americans, they would have known better than to have been born Latino. It's common sense.

So congrats to Arizona. You've moved beyond merely violating the spirit of the Constitution to assuage your right wing rage at the brown people and gone straight to picking out specific amendments you wish to violate. Well done. Toss those babies over the border, no matter what that 14th Amendment say. If it was meant to be taken seriously they would have placed it higher than 14th. Keep on stayin' classy.

Sunday Marching Orders

It's time for one of my favorite activities on this blog. No, not plumbing some new depth that our American political or news system has sunk to while adding in a snarky remark and a new curse word I learned. No, that's what the weekdays are for. The weekends are for me demanding that you do things; namely read.

Some would say these are articles of extreme importance. Others would say this is just a bunch of shit I'm putting up because it is clogging up my bookmarks folder. Who is to say who is right? Well, the latter are. But there is an extremely important reason I haven't been able to put these up before, namely... uhhh.... important... constraints... on my... time. Not extreme laziness. So away we go.

The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight
What if I were to tell you that we've spent six billion on the Afghan National Police force and they're grossly incompetent and unable to even do a fraction of their jobs? You'd probably say that you're surprised we were able to keep that waste of money under $10 billion. I agree. Why are they so awful? A myriad of reasons, but at least in this case it isn't because they're spending all their money on magic bomb detecting wands. Yet.

White House access is a jackpot for reporters
Want to know why White House coverage has become so uniformly terrible over the past decade? Mostly because the reporters covering the beat try to cozy up to insiders in order to get good gossip... for their "insider" "tell-all" books. Glenn Greenwald looks at how "journalist" really isn't the proper term for these people.

Building a Green Economy
Paul Krugman on what it would take to actually build a green economy and move toward greener energy. The article didn't start with the phrase "seal up most of the energy executives and lobbyists up in a coal mine along with a large chunk of our elected betters" so I don't know how seriously Krugman's article can be taken.

Copenhagen destroyed by Danish draft leak, says India's environment minister
If you were wondering how the Copenhagen climate conference came to be such a complete misfire that failed to make any serious progress on environmental issues, the Guardian has a rundown. Apparently it was petty infighting, aggrieved egos, childish power struggles, and comical shortsightedness beating out serious long term planning for a clearly foreseen problem. Who could have ever foreseen? It's only like the 7,435th time in a row a major global problem was ever dealt with like like that.

Gang Moves 1,800 Lb Of Coke In Fake Dakar Rally Truck
If you ever wondered why the state of Arizona has to whomp on Latinos with a healthy dose on un-Constitutional actions, it's because of stuff lie this. We can't even trust the validity of entrants in our beloved giant rally truck races. No, everyone is a suspect, even Latino rally trucks.

The Hidden Meaning of Lady Gaga’s “Telephone”
If you're like me, every time you see the Lady Gaga video for Telephone, you say to yourself "this is a clearly a thinly veiled guise for indoctrination from the Illuminati using Monarch Programming mind control and is chock full of secret hidden codes and symbols from both". Thankfully, someone else has agreed and put together a comprehensive analysis of all the ways the Illuminati are boring into your brain through a Lady Gaga video. One thing is clear: the song is not about a telephone or an annoying boyfriend who keeps calling. We're through the looking glass.

Los blowback

It's Cinco de Mayo today. What does that mean? More irritating ads for Corona beer. But it also means that Latino are really going to catch some shit from Arizona cops. Hell, some police might go into catatonic shock there will be so many people walking about that look suspicious and need to have their papers checked.

But the holiday is also a place for opponents of the state government's new found racism to make their own statement. And that includes the Phoenix Suns, currently embroiled in the NBA playoff contest against the Spurs. The team announced it would be wearing its "Los Suns" jerseys tonight and came out against the law.

The frustration with the federal government’s failure to deal with the issue of illegal immigration resulted in passage of a flawed state law. However intended, the result of passing this law is that our basic principles of equal rights and protection under the law are being called into question, and Arizona’s already struggling economy will suffer even further setbacks at a time when the state can ill-afford them.

Suns PG and all around decent human beingSteve Nash even came out with a statement:

"I think the law is very misguided. I think it is unfortunately to the detriment to our society and our civil liberties and I think it is very important for us to stand up for things we believe in," Nash said of the bill. "I think the law obviously can target opportunities for racial profiling. Things we don't want to see and don't need to see in 2010."

Well done, gentlemen. Though while I am no Spanish scholar, I do think the correct translation of "The Suns" into Mexicanese would be "Los Soles". The Spurs announced regretfully that they weren't informed in time to bring their own "Los Spurs" jerseys, so it will be a one team tribute. Again... "The Spurs" would be "Las Espuelas".

Poor translating aside, nice to see that large Arizona entities with important ties to the community are willing to take a stand. Unfortunately this will result in Canadian Nash, Argentinian Manu Ginobli, and Frenchman Tony Parker all being detained and deported before tip-off. Still, a stand must be made. Good luck, much success, and I hope the Suns can still run and gun with Nash being tossed over the Saskatchewan border with orders to never let his freewheeling passing, play-making, and clutch shot-making taint Arizona again. Fucking foreigners.

Stay classy, Arizona immigration law supporters

If the Arizona immigration law that makes you a suspicious person if you're caught breathing while Latino, has been good for one thing: the comedy resulting from those who support the law. Not so much "funny ha-ha" comedy, but more of a "oh sweet merciful Christ, these are elected representatives... in America... in 2010" kind of funny.

Even worse on the unconformable comedy of awkward discomfort scale are the people who have viewed this law as a gaslight for them to rush out and espouse their brilliant ideas about ways in which this country can go further down into a racist hole with immigration laws. Take Iowa Republican (shocking) congressional candidate Pat Bertroche

“I think we should catch ’em, we should document ’em, make sure we know where they are and where they are going,” said Pat Bertroche, an Urbandale physician. “I actually support micro-chipping them. I can micro-chip my dog so I can find it. Why can’t I micro-chip an illegal?

“That’s not a popular thing to say, but it’s a lot cheaper than building a fence they can tunnel under,” Bertroche said.

Micro-chipping every illegal immigrant? You know, maybe Georgia was on to something with their crazy "no robit hunks in mah body" law. That being said, if we could catch every single illegal immigrant to the point where we could perform invasive microchipping surgery on them... wouldn't we just cart them over the border? I mean we go to all the trouble of catching them to scientifically experiment on them and we just release them back into the wild even though they're illegal? Methinks someone needs to mull over his "Mexicans are exactly like dogs" immigration plan.

But then there's Republican (shocking~!) Rep. Duncan Hunter the Younger of California, who isn't merely content to treat immigrants like stray dogs. No, he's got a better plan.

QUESTION: Would you support deportation of natural-born American citizens that are the children of illegal aliens?

HUNTER: I would have to, yes. [...] We simply cannot afford what we’re doing right now. California is going under. How much in debt are we? Twenty billion dollars? [...] And we’re not being mean, we’re just saying it takes more than just walking across the border to become an American citizen. It’s what’s in our souls.

Yeah, fuck them. Who ever said that being born here means you're a citizen? The 14th Amendment? Balderdash! Let's repeal it and start chucking American citizens who aren't sufficiently white over the border. Their souls aren't American.

But if advanced GPS tracking, a catch and release Latino program, or grossly violating the Constitution in the name of racial paranoia aren't your thing, have you thought of just claiming all your Latin opponents of wanting to cede American soil to Santa Anna and his Mexican hordes? Then get on board with Republican (shocker) Rep. Steve King (shocker) from Iowa (shocker).

I’m wondering if we look at the map of Congressman Grijalva’s congressional district if we haven’t already ceded that component of Arizona to Mexico judging by the voice that comes out of him, he’s advocating for Mexico rather than the United States and against the rule of law, which is one of the central pillars of American exceptionalism.

He is of course talking about Rep. Raul Grijalva, a Latino himself and Arizona representative, who decried the law and advocated that people boycott Arizona in response. Of course that means he doesn't sufficiently love America, is probably a Latin sleeper agent, hates the law, freedom, and baby eagles, and is probably the point man for the Mexican Reconquista movement. Aztlan!

So stay classy everyone. I know we all though that a re-fried bean swastika was about as low as the debate could sink. But we didn't count on the prides of Iowa and a second generation half-witted reactionary race-baiter deciding that this was the perfect opportunity to offer up their brilliant ideas on better ways to dehumanize entire swaths of the US population. Wonderful. It wells me up with so much pride for the country.

He's not talking about Tila

If you're like me you've viewed the recent Arizona "Breathing While Latino"/"We Don't Want Any Tourists To Visit Here" immigration bill with one question burning in the back of your mind: what's a good semi-racist way to describe all the Latin citizens of Arizona and the rest of the country who are protesting this bill? Lucky for us the Washington Times came up with the answer tucked in amongst a hateful editorial that not only whitewashes (irony~!) the violence, low grade racism, and incitements to violence at Tea Parties but attempts to paint Latin opposition to the bill as some dangerous, undermining, hate America first attempt to Destroy The Freedoms.

Imagine a group of angry demonstrators toting swastika-festooned protest signs calling politicians Nazis, shouting obscenities and racial remarks and throwing rocks and bottles at police officers sent to keep order. No, these are not Tea Partiers. They are the mob that turned out last week to protest Arizona's new immigration-enforcement law. This group of liberal rowdies has been dubbed the Tequila Party.

The Tequila Party. Classy. Well, I guess there wasn't going to be any reasonable defense of the "Achtung! Show Me Your Papers" law, so why not just completely troll the bottom of the barrel?

Keep it up GOP. No blacks vote for you because of your response to civil rights... and the subsequent four decade period after, so why not try to alienate all the Latinos as well? I mean it's not like they're the fastest growing subset of this country, are they? No, disaffected, rural whites with persecution complexes are. That must be why you've cast your lot in so heavily with them. Good luck with all that.

The only tea that refreshes after a hard day of demanding a Mexican prove he's a citizen

The racially charged immigration laws of Arizona have claimed an innocent victim. No, not the basic notions of fairness, freedom, liberty, or America. And no, I'm not talking about some innocent Mexican guy who was imprisoned. Please, it's only been a few days, that won't be happening for at least another week or so. No, what I'm talking about is the innocent victims that just so happen to brew beverages that now bear the unfortunate scarlet letter of the state of Arizona.

Opponents of Arizona's new anti-immigrant law are calling for a boycott of the state's products - including the popular Arizona Iced Tea.
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Online, misguided tea fans vowed to switch to Lipton or Snapple.

"Dear Arizona: If you don't change your immigration policy, I will have to stop drinking your enjoyable brand of iced tea," Twittered Jody Beth in Los Angeles.

"It is the drink of fascists," wrote Travis Nichols in Chicago.

The problem? Arizona Ice Tea is brewed in New York and the makers of it only marginally hate Mexicans. It is however still the official drink of fascists and fascism. They signed a promotional sponsorship deal with Fascism in 2007 and it doesn't run out until 2014.

I mean if you do want to get outraged at innocent companies that just happened to be started by people living in a state controlled by right wing mental patients, you should point your rage at Cold Stone Creamery, U-Haul, and Best Western. Though if you do that just try and tell me who it is that will cart a storage truck full of German-chökolätekäke (kakke?) and Cheesecake Fantasy to your fleabag motel? Huh? Who?

I think people should stop getting mad at companies with 'Arizona' in the title, companies from Arizona, and various cacti and save their anger for the lawmakers who voted this in and the people who support it. Plus, we're missing what we should truly be mad about: the fact that Arizona's reality is killing Arizona based satire. Look, Mexico just released a travel warning for Mexicans vacationing or visiting in Arizona. That could have fueled a Broken In Brief piece at the very least! This is what we need to be pissed about: reality stealing the ideas of These Bastards. Which is horrifying, come to think of it.

Quote of the day

How racist is Arizona's new "You look Mexican, prove to me you're a citizen" law? Pretty racist. So racist in fact that it's making noted over the top Mexican hater Tom Tancredo ask the state to dial it back a notch. Tom "Our President is a socialist black elected by illiterate Negros" Tancredo. Tom "We need a new Jim Crow style poll tests" Tancredo. Tom "Sonia Sotomayor is part of the Latin KKK" Tancredo. "Tom "I see brown people" Tancredo. That guy thinks Arizona went too far.

But he questions how police can stop people for any reason. “I do not want people here, there in Arizona, pulled over because you look like [you] should be pulled over,” says Tancredo.

He suspects police in Arizona will only pull people over for breaking the law. But they could already do this before the new law.

Tancredo added that Arizona’s law is what happens when the federal government fails to act. “States eventually get to the point where if things get bad enough, they’ll take matters into their own hands,” he said. “They’ve taken what we can call an extreme measure.”

When your "bash the Mexicans"/hate immigrants/"We want to wrench the racism title away from the deep south" law makes even Tom Tancredo question the lengths it goes to, then you've traversed a racist bridge too far.

On the other hand, you do have people smearing refried bean swastikas onto the state Capitol's window, so maybe Arizonans don't feel the law goes far enough. Refried bean swastikas? Once again, America has proven it has no need for outside political satire of the kind practiced here, the country is doing quite fine providing its own.

We'll just have to agree to disagree

Jon Stewart's assessment of the departure of Lou Dobbs doesn't really jive with what TheseBastards uncovered yesterday. He totally ignored the bloody shovel and everything. Fucking liberal media...



But it bears repeating; Fare thee well, fat man.

Broken In Brief: Lou Dobbs sent to live on farm

ATLANTA--In the wake of Lou Dobbs' sudden departure from CNN, the network has struggled to spin the scenario in a positive light. Dobbs, who had been with the network since its inception in 1980, announced last night that he would be leaving his post as host and managing editor of Lou Dobbs Tonight, effective immediately.

While many media pundits suspect that Dobbs will walk out of CNN and directly into Fox News, Pravda, or simply shout racial epithets towards Mexico from across any number of bridges spanning the Rio Grande, a blood and mud-flecked network president Jonathan Klein read a brief statement earlier today attempting to clear the air.

"We would just like to put to rest any rumors of 'talent poaching', ideological infighting, or 'extreme horror at what this man had turned our network into' that have been circulating since Lou's announcement," Klein said, leaning against a rusty shovel caked in what appeared to be mud and brain matter. "We assure you neither of these are the case and that Mr. Dobbs has been sent to live with a kindly old couple in a farm upstate. We believe it is the same place where MSNBC sent Phil Donohue."

Contacted for clarification on this claim, Klein added, with a single tear sliding down his puffy cheek, "We're certain Lou will be much happier there, running frisky and free with other blowhards, discussing birth certificate conspiracies, and... and just enjoying all that fresh air. It's a family farm, no migrant or immigrant workers, which we all know is important to him. No, you cannot go and visit, as the farm is very far away. Just *sniff*, just let him rest in peace.....on the farm."

With that Klein wearily sat down, and sobbed a bit, offering up an odd remark on how he didn't know that running CNN would entail so much violence. He then proceeded to have his assistant inquire about seeking reimbursement for expenses relating to a bag of quicklime he had to purchase and the use of a personal tarp that had "been rendered unusable."

As of press time, Klein swore that Dobbs was probably sitting down to enjoy a nice supper with the kindly elderly couple. "On the farm."

Compare/contrast

National Security Adviser General James Jones, on General McChrystal's plan to add 40,000+ troops in Afghanistan

"Generals always ask for more troops. Take it from me," Jones told SPIEGEL in an interview. ..."You can keep on putting troops in, and you could have 200,000 troops there and Afghanistan will swallow them up as it has done in the past."

Obama's Afghan Plan: About 40K More Troops

The president still has more meetings scheduled on Afghanistan, but informed sources tell CBS News he intends to give Gen. Stanley McChrystal most, if not all, the additional troops he is asking for.

McChrystal wanted 40,000 and the president has tentatively decided to send four combat brigades plus thousands more support troops. A senior officer says "that's close to what [McChrystal] asked for." All the president's military advisers have recommended sending more troops.

Whew, that was a close one. For a second there I was worried we weren't going to escalate the war, or if we were, we weren't going to escalate it to the satisfaction of our generals. Dodged that bullet. We did, not the troops. Ironically they'll have to be dodging bullets now. Now the Obama Administration says that the CBS report is false because no final final decisions have been made, but does anyone think there's a chance this isn't happening? I thought so. I guess the real victory is that he didn't put in 200,000 troops to get swallowed up in there. Jones must have been preparing us for a worst case scenario.

For comparisons sake, this increase of 40,000 combat soldiers (plus the requisite addition in tens of thousands of support forces) will cost somewhere in the range of $80 billion extra a year for Afghanistan. Doesn't that make you feel great? $80 billion a year is cheap when you want to use it to extend and escalate a war. But when you want to use that money to get people cheaper health care and do so in a way that decreases the deficit, then that same $80 billion a year is an onerous deficit burden on America that our children (someone think of the children) will have to pay off. I'm no budgetary expert, but I think it has something to do with a part in the preamble of the Constitution that says "War money don't count as real money." Who are we to argue with the founding fathers?

Department of sensible racism ideas

If there's one thing that we can all agree on hating, it's that stupid little idea that just because you were born here that makes you a citizen. I mean what asshole wrote that? James Madison? Abe Lincoln? Senator Jacob M. Howard of Michigan? Citizenship is earned, either through the military means of the movie 300 that I half remember or through the military means of Starship Troopers that I half remember. Service means citizenship or something, I think there was also some large wolf based fighting. Whatever. At least one smart man agrees with my DVD catalog: U.S. Rep. Nathan Deal. His solution? Fuck the Mexicans.

U.S. Rep. Nathan Deal, a Republican candidate for governor of Georgia, has proposed changing the long-standing federal policy that automatically grants citizenship to any baby born on U.S. soil, a move opposed by immigrant rights advocates.

Supporters of Deal's proposal say "birthright citizenship" encourages illegal immigration and makes enforcement of immigration laws more difficult. Opponents say the proposed law wouldn't solve the illegal immigration problem and goes against this country's traditions of welcoming immigrants.
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"This is a sensible, overdue measure that closes a clause that was never meant to be a loophole," said Bob Dane, spokesman for the Federation for American Immigration Reform, which seeks tighter immigration restrictions.

Under Deal's proposal, babies born in the U.S. would automatically have citizenship only if at least one of their parents is a U.S. citizen or national, a legal permanent resident of the U.S., or actively serving in the U.S. military.

Meant to close a loophole that was never supposed to exist?

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

Seems pretty cut and dried to me. But then I'm no Constitutional scholar. Deal also has a plan to change the inscription of the Statue of Liberty from "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free" to "Hey you, pregnant foreigner! Don't even fuckin' think about going into labor here! Hold it in!" I just think that's it's nice to know that in this day and age someone has the guts to demonize the Constitution, infants and people wishing to become American citizens through a law solely intended to target one race. The people of Georgia are so lucky to have this man running for Governor.

Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Boy Scouts

When the nation's military and reserves are off fighting two wars and the police are too burdened by crime to deal with border security, who then becomes the front line of America's war on illegal immigration, drug smuggling, human trafficking, terrorism, and other such unsightly problems stemming from US/Mexico border policy? The Boy Scouts. Naturally.

Ten minutes into arrant mayhem in this town near the Mexican border, and the gunman, a disgruntled Iraq war veteran, has already taken out two people, one slumped in his desk, the other covered in blood on the floor.

The responding officers — eight teenage boys and girls, the youngest 14 — face tripwire, a thin cloud of poisonous gas and loud shots — BAM! BAM! — fired from behind a flimsy wall. They move quickly, pellet guns drawn and masks affixed.

“United States Border Patrol! Put your hands up!” screams one in a voice cracking with adolescent determination as the suspect is subdued.

It is all quite a step up from the square knot.

The Explorers program, a coeducational affiliate of the Boy Scouts of America that began 60 years ago, is training thousands of young people in skills used to confront terrorism, illegal immigration and escalating border violence — an intense ratcheting up of one of the group’s longtime missions to prepare youths for more traditional jobs as police officers and firefighters.

.........Yeah. When did the Boy Scouts stop being about camping and pinewood derby races and made a move towards supplanting Blackwater as our nation's largest private army? Not that I'm against BSA doing a little career training and some of that being for law enforcement, but this seems less like that and more like highly decentralized organization allowing for mildly crazy survivalist militaristic types running kids through Army Ranger training far beyond the scope, depth, or breadth of anything the kids will ever become involved in. It seems not so much "this is what police officers do" and more "you are the spear point at the tip of a war"/"this is a legal substitute for SWAT training."

But yeah, I'm sure there will be no problems with a bunch of dads and a discharged Marine drill seargent from the local police force who's on probabtion for "anger issues" training a bunch a kids on use of assault weapons and hostage crisis scenarios. What could possibly go wrong?

Broken News: Mexican drug cartels falling into trite Scarface stereotypes

JUAREZ—With the Mexican drug war entering yet another bloody month as the government and drug gangs fight over a multi-billion dollar illegal empire, there are increasingly signs of strife within the cartels. The impasses stem not from the escalating body counts, open war with the police and military, or the daily threat of impending death. Rather, sources say mid-level operatives are concerned that the extravagant lifestyle and machismo of the narcotics business has prompted cartel leaders to devolve into shopworn stereotypes of criminal culture.

“I’m walking around the pool of El Jefe’s mansion last month and you know what I see?” says a man identified only as Santino, a supplier for Baja’s El Guapo Sydicate. “A fucking Bengal tiger on a chain over by one of the palm trees. We’re out there trying to lay out distribution schedules and pickup dates and there’s a man eating animal on a flimsy looking chain in the corner. How can somebody concentrate with that 10 feet from you?"

He continued. "Jefe keeps getting up and giving these self-important speeches about money, power, and loyalty, strolling around in front of the tiger making these grandiose gestures. Finally his men bring out a guy they said betrayed the cartel and, after a long speech about betrayal, throws him to the tiger. Except the tiger isn't hungry and we waste the entire meeting trying to coax it into eating the guy. Finally Jefe just let us shoot the man. How can you run a business this way?”

Santino went on to provide detailed accounts, photographs, and expense reports of some of the more arcane expenditures. Included amongst the expenditures were the tiger, 1980’s style speed boats and Ferraris, gaudy faux-Italian marble statues, wide lapelled flowered shirts, and a multi-tiered plan to hunt and kill both Robert Loggia and F. Murray Abraham.

“The worst is the desk covered in blow,” said former gang member Savio Calderon, currently in prison. “It's gotta have a street value of at least $2 million to even look like a big pile and my boss had a fucking sand castle on his desk. He didn’t even do drugs, but he’s like ‘Savio, I’ve got an image to keep up here’ and going on and on about what people will think. I’m like ‘sell this and make some money.’ That is what we’re here to do, right?"

"The worst is when someone opens a door to come in, then the wind gusts and coke goes everywhere. You ever get cocaine in your eyes? It fucking stings.”

Others within the industry are quick to point out that the Scarface phase is preferable to the Godfather phase, where ultra-violent retribution and financial excess are replaced with Machiavellian scheming, backstabbing, infighting, Shakespearean drama, and interminable speeches about family.

“Ever have to sit through a 20 minute monologue on ‘way things used to be’ after a betrayal or murder over what amounts to pennies? It’s unbearable,” notes Carlos Vega, a member of the Cholo Bros. Cartel of Tijuana. “It really sucks all the fun out of being a drug dealing gangster.”

Most place the blame on the limited film libraries of the major cartel leaders as well as the lack of penetration of lesser known crime films into the Mexican pop culture consciousness. While films and TV shows like Traffic, Goodfellas, and The Sopranos haven’t made it across the border, the American rap industry, replete with its worship of Scarface and the Godfather, has been a mainstay for years.

“Here’s my brilliant idea,” Mr. Vega says. “How about the next time someone in this industry excitedly picks up a copy of Scarface, we slap it out of his hands? Maybe we start reading about building a high yield agri-business. How about we buy the Departed? That’s a good movie about gangsters, why don’t we watch that? If I have to hear one more ‘I’m the bad guy’ or ‘I’ll make ‘em an offer he can’t refuse’ speech I’m going back to contract killings for the CIA.”

Until that shift happens the drug war will rage on, enacting a horrible toll on the film tastes and originality of those who are swept up by it.

Finally we're giving back to Mexico

U.S. Is Arms Bazaar for Mexican Cartels

The Mexican agents who moved in on a safe house full of drug dealers last May were not prepared for the fire power that greeted them.

When the shooting was over, eight agents were dead. Among the guns the police recovered was an assault rifle traced back across the border to a dingy gun store here called X-Caliber Guns.

Now, the owner, George Iknadosian, will go on trial on charges he sold hundreds of weapons, mostly AK-47 rifles, to smugglers, knowing they would send them to a drug cartel in the western state of Sinaloa. The guns helped fuel the gang warfare in which more than 6,000 Mexicans died last year.

Mexican authorities have long complained that American gun dealers are arming the cartels. This case is the most prominent prosecution of an American gun dealer since the United States promised Mexico two years ago it would clamp down on the smuggling of weapons across the border. It also offers a rare glimpse of how weapons delivered to American gun dealers are being moved into Mexico and wielded in horrific crimes.

Mexico: we don't want your damned people walking over here and doing our menial labor in the fields and restaurants of America.....but if you want sneak over here just for the purpose of buying guns from us and slaughtering each other and innocents in a fevered drug war? Be our guests, pesos spend as good as any currency. Cash overrides fear of Aztlan any day.

Unsurprisingly the cartels do this because not only are our gun laws waaaaay looser than Mexico's (thank you Chuck Heston) we also don't care if you're clearly not a citizen when you buy enough guns to arm a militia. We only care that you're not a citizen if you are trying to cook food, pick food, work construction, or clean someone's house. What will we do about it? Probably nothing, because then we'd be infringing on the 2nd Amendment, which in addition to covering terrorist suspects probably also covers Mexican drug cartels.

If you're interested in just what exactly our weapons are fueling this time, I urge you to click over to the LA Times series on Mexico's drug war, a near daily account of violent murders, shootouts, and street wars.