Broken In Brief: Friends of LeBron in hiding as Cleveland residents seek deportation

CLEVELAND--Several local and national news agencies are reporting that anyone identified as a friend of LeBron James has been taken into protective custody after angry mobs massed at the city center and sought to instigate fights with compatriots of the NBA star. The deluge began early this morning when the Cleveland Browns announced they had traded wide receiver Braylon Edwards to the New York Jets. Edwards is currently under investigation by Cleveland police and the National Football League for allegedly striking promoter Edward Givens, a Friend of LeBron's.

Authorities suggest these roving gangs believe that by assaulting anyone who has achieved Friend of LeBron, or "FOL" status, the would-be assailants might also be deported from the economic and cultural sinkhole in which they currently reside. At press time, most of the business community, the 16-35 age group, and 48 of the 53 active members of the Cleveland Browns roster had been sighted roaming the streets with improvised hand-held weapons, including nailbats, tire irons, frozen shards of human excrement, and the severed head of of first-year Browns coach Eric Mangini.

City leaders have attempted to explain that they have no power to trade citizens and that the events of the past few days were mere coincidence. Many believe these pleas are just a ruse so that members of the city council and the mayor's office will have less competition in their quest to assault LeBron's friends. Doing little to quell these rumors was an article in the Cleveland Plain Dealer alleging that Mayor Frank Jackson had added a savage beating of Cavaliers' forward Anderson Varejao to his weekly itinerary.

"I'm not looking to hurt any of The King's friends, I just want to pop one in the mouth," said Andy Grossi, an unemployed window washer from Cleveland Heights.

"Just knock 'em bad enough to get the police involved and then have the powers that be trade me away to a better, more vibrant city. Maybe Flint, Michigan or Gary, Indiana. Hey, it worked out for Braylon... that ball-dropping son of a bitch. A week from now, he'll be forehead-deep in New York strange. You know those women got no hair below the eyebrows, right? But what about me? What about Andy?"