Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.21

Moritz Resl's 2010 FIFA World Cup.

Alan Greenspan and Paul Krugman got into a economic slap fight over the weekend with competing op-eds. Greenspan arguing we need to focus on debt instead of jobs, Krugman arguing jobs instead of debt. Let's see, do we believe the tired old man who sat at the apex of this crisis unable to see what was going on or do anything about it, or do I believe the guy who just won a Nobel and has been horrifyingly right every step of the way. What's that? Unemployment is hovering at 10% and focusing on the debt by cutting spending will kill more jobs? Gee, hard to see who to listen to on this point.

On that point, the Washington Post looks at how our elected betters' myopic concerns over making minuscule "drop in the bucket" dents in the deficit is taking precedent over, you know, fixing the economy and getting people back to work. No worry about the massive state budget crises, the Senate has to make it look like they're listening to the ill-thought out concerns of voters by being fake concerned about the deficit. So a year from now when we're all eating catfood underneath an abandoned freeway, remember to thank them all for they way they knocked down the deficit by $5 bucks.

After 28 years the Bloody Sunday killings were officially ruled unlawful at the conclusion of a 12 year inquiry by Lord Saville. Apparently shooting the Irish under flimsy pretenses and then claiming they all had guns and you were under attack isn't, in the strictest sense, legal. But hey, they finally got to the bottom of it after three decades. See what you have to look forward to in 2038, Israel?

Simon Johnson looks at all the ways in which the soon to pass and soon to be heralded as a "serious fix to the an unforeseeable and unprecedented crisis" Financial Reform bill fails to do any of the shit it needs to do. Who could have foreseen that catering to banks and Wall Street and treating them as if they had credibility left would result in laws that failed to adress the things that caused the last financial collapse or deal with the fallout? But at least it's called "Financial Reform". They can technically say they passed "Financial Reform". There is that.

On the Bright, Shiny, Happy front, one of the men who helped eradicate smallpox has a message to the world: we'll all be dead in a 100 years, thanks for fucking everything up you soon to be extinct shits. There's a myriad of reasons, but mostly overpopulation and the fact that we're ruining the environment and only engaging in half measures -at best- to address those problems. He's 95, so he'll be dead soon. He just wants us to know that we caused it, we refused to fix it, and we should enjoy a hellish decades of existence that will result in our violent painful extinction. Way to depress everyone on your way out.

The Intertubes has found the only way to listen to the inane tweets and proclamations of the Tea Party set: by making them poot out the butt of a colonial soldier. They call it: Tea Farty.

In closing we give you Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age covering "What, What (In the Butt)."

How things are going to be

Like most regular Freedomericans I too wonder what my future is under the yoke of Obamacare, plowing the fields of socialism. What will this bill mean for me, the most important of all Americans: the lowly read dick joke blogger. Some would say I look at this Washington Post health care calculator to have it specifically tell me what it means for me. Others would offer up Speaker Pelosi's page where the bill, summaries of the bill, bullet points of the bill and all sorts of other information about the bill is listed. Maybe some would say I should look at Ezra Klein's series on explaining the health care reform, or the Kaiser Family Foundation's health reform page, maybe you could look through the health care section of the Wonk Room, take a gander around the Center For American Progress, or maybe you should just avail myself of Google... provided you're outside China.

Those people would be wrong. The people I need to listen to are right wing media pundits. They're going to tell me exactly what it's going to be like now that this reform has become law.

Beck added: "You must -- must get on the phone in your districts. You must wake everybody up you know. This is the end of prosperity in America forever if this bill passes. This is the end of America as you know it."

Beck "warn[ed]" that if the bill "passes, the country is in real dire trouble." He went on to say: "The pieces that the president needs to control every aspect of your life, to fundamentally transform America, will be finished. He'll have them all,"

Limbaugh stated: "It is a government takeover of health care and granny is gonna die. Granny always dies at some point -- we all do. It's gonna be hastened under this bill."

Fox News contributor Dick Morris said what Obama "has in mind is curbing medical care to the elderly," and that he's "going to set up a panel" to determine treatment. Morris said he's "100 percent positive" this will happen.

Fox Business: "Does Obamacare mean millions more jobs destroyed?"

Cramer: "Obamacare will topple the stock market."

Limbaugh: Democrats will regulate "every aspect of our lives."

Syndicated columnist Cal Thomas said on Fox News: "The president says they're not going to pull the plug on granny. No, but they will deny her care because she's costing too much and she's too old."

Radio host Jim Quinn said that "Bolshevik Barbie and our marginally documented president" want "the power to control your body and your life. Quinn added: "Giving the government that power is allowing the government to commit a violent assault on your body -- a violent assault on your most precious possession, which is your life."

Quinn predicted that "if they pass this thing, you are going to see insurrection. You're going to see an uprising. People are just not going to take this.This is about establishing from now on and forever a socialist state in America, ripping the Constitution to shreds which progressives have hated for over 100 years.

Quinn: "If they pass health care ... that is the end of the republic."

Cal Thomas claimed health reform "is an outrage" and "a sham"; "[e]uthanasia is coming."

Limbaugh: "Human beings will die earlier than normal" under "freedom killing" and "life threatening" health-care reform.

Limbaugh said the "whole bill is about death" and "rationing." He continued: "It is the single greatest tool the government will have to regulate every aspect of behavior. This is a freedom killing, and it is going to end up being a life-threatening bill."

Chris Baker suggested that health reform will lead to overweight people going to jail or being put to death

Limbaugh: "Obamacare" will "smother the individual," "aimed at robbing you of your humanity," "all of us will be slaves."

Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

Dr Ray Stantz: Total protonic reversal.

I don't think I'm going to like this health reform thing at all. Christ, those last three guys were doctors. I don't want my protons reversing or my molecules exploding at the speed of light. THAT'S NOT THE CHANGE I SIGNED UP FOR BARRY!

Oh God, there's no hope. It's really the complete collapse of everything and everything, with slavery, human sacrifice, euthanasia, death panels, and some sort of temporal displacement where George Washington is erased from history. If only we knew beforehand. What have we wrought?

The end times

We here at TB Industries are avid Armageddon watchers. We like to look at any situation and extrapolate how it might end society and civilization as we know it. Be it giant space meteors, global warming, complete economic collapse, hadron/hardon colliders opening black holes on the French border, nuclear devastation, plagues, angry God/Gods on smiting sprees, or our dream... zombies, we are eager to see the world end. Mostly because we feel we'll survive and come to rule the wasteland that comes after. We're optimists.

But we also like to sarcastically joke about the Republican party and their dire predictions for things that will happen if Democratic legislation passes. Things like the systematic murder of the elderly because of health care. I guess when Barry puts pen to paper later today on that health care bill, he'll just be heralding some new round of horrible plagues. Maybe even the end times. No, seriously.



Yes, actual Armageddon.... because people will get better access to cheaper health care. I think you can all see the nightmare scenario that will bring about. But God bless the incredulous Shep Smith, who must be building up to another outburst any day now, for pushing through and getting Steele to claim that they want to get to a more civil place in politics... right after he declared the end of the world because of the health care bill and right before he plugged a site where you can go view a flame engulfed Nancy Pelosi and donate $16,000 to throw the bitch out of the Speaker's seat.

So on a scale of Armageddon we're going to have to rate health care as a weak 1, despite Steele's claims that it's a definite 10. There is a chance that the health care is so good that it will create functional immortals and overpopulation will occur, but that's a long shot. Plus immortality is the complete opposite of zombification, which is a major negative of the horror scale for an apocalyptic event. Steele thinks we're all going to die, we just wish we could believe him.

SEEDS~!

SEEDS! THE GLOBAL ELITE! SECRET STORAGE VAULTS! THE ARCTIC CIRCLE! MORE VALUABLE THAN GOLD!

People did you know that society is collapsing and civilization is crumbling?OF course you do, we mention it every day. But did you know what the currency is going to be when the dark times come? If you said "the warmest hole on my body" you're only partially right. It's seeds! What will feed you when there are no more Wal-Marts? Seeds! What will get you the company of two comely young blonde lasses at the grog shack? Seeds! What will be there to comfort you after you've had to kill a man to survive and the last vestiges of your humanity slip away as the world you once knew fades into your memory and the bloodlust takes over? Seeds!

Fuck gold. Seeds. This is what you and all other fringe survivalist fruitcakes need to be stockpiling for the upcoming economic collapse... excuse me, further economic collapse. That... and guns. Guns, knives, pointed sticks, fire making implements, quasi futuristic armor, and something you can convert into a mobile kill center/tank. Seeds though, remember to get the seeds. Hell, I'm going to the store to buy a bag on sunflower seeds as we speak.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 12.02

Blackwater's Secret War in Pakistan
Jeremy Scahill really wants to write about something other than all the shady shit Blackwater, nee Xe Services, does, but it's just they're given so many opportunities to do shady shit and it is so utterly shady that he's just forced to write about it. More or less, Blackwater is running a secret assassination/kidnapping ring at the behest of the CIA in a program so secret that the White House might not even know about it. Well at least the CIA is getting a handle on this "plausible deniability" stuff, you just kind of wish they wouldn't use the only American organization in the area with a worse reputation than themselves.

Sarah Palin, Israel and Armageddon
Hey, wouldn't it be great if Sarah Palin just started getting really crazy and started spouting off weird Israel related rapture buzzwords, started hanging out with evangelicals who openly promote pro-Israel policies in service of the second Exodus/second coming of Christ/Armageddon, and generally became more dangerous, Jesusy, and crazy? Well...good news then; you got your wish.

UK Iraq War Inquiry: Blair Was Told Iraq War Was Illegal, Decided On War In 2002
Ahh, the United Kingdom, you poor hopeless bastards. Let me see if I have this right: you not only investigated your involvement in the Iraq war, but you did so in a serious manner, and are releasing finding as the investigation goes on? Rookie mistake. The correct way to do things is to admit "mistakes were made", never authorize investigating those mistakes because "they were in the past and we're focused on the future", and then set about whitewashing everything and making the same mistakes, either on a whole new war or and golden oldie.

Capital in the Capitol: Total House Wealth Exceeds $1 Billion
Yup, humble servants of the people all. Plus, as a bonus, their actual net worth is probably more that twice that figure. It's probably even higher, on average, in the Senate. So now you don't have to wonder why no one in government ever seems to be concerned with the plight of regular "non-top 5% Americans". It's because none of them are one, and if they ever were one they've long since forgotten it. Perhaps we need to organize expeditions into America for our elected betters, so that they may study us "normals" much like Jane Goodall studied chimps. Perhaps then they can learn to understand us and learn that we aren't all that thrilled with massive corporate handouts, endless wars, and getting bent over various barrels of their choice.

The Bank Job
This time, it's Vanity Fair and Bethany McLean who decide to take the baton from Matt Taibbi and get in a good couple of shots at our money overlords at Goldman-Sachs. Did you know that ole GS pretty much never loses on the financial bets it makes, essentially has a license to print money because of securities "spreads", and ripped off it's own customers to the tune of $40 billion by selling them shoddy mortgage securities? Probably not, but I bet you could have guessed something equally shady and ethically questionable and been pretty close. I just hope when they're allowed to rewrite our regulatory laws, they throw some of all that excess cash on the nightstand and tell us they'll call us. We could use the ego boost.

Picture of the day

From the Hubble comes this look at our newest celestial doomsday fear: random sun explosion. See, 2012 and Knowing were right: the sun will kill us all. The star, sexily named V838 Monocerotis, out of the blue one day decided to grow 600,000 times brighter and balloon to 1,000 times its diameter over a period of a few weeks. Scientists are sure it isn't a nova or supernova, but a previously unknown of example of a star "going rogue." Yes, that is the exact term they used. The star went all Sarah Palin on that solar system's ass, killing a literally incalculable number of Bothans.

The star is also now emitting x-rays, something it shouldn't be doing, leading scientists to surmise that this might all have been the result of THREE SUNS SMASHING INTO EACH OTHER! As cool as that sounds, it is only a hypothesis and the resulting expansion was probably the Random Sun Explosion Syndrome that I just invented two minutes ago.

So, you know, just in case you didn't have anything else to worry about, you know have to worry about the sun randomly expanding out into Saturn's orbit, evaporating our oceans, setting our forests ablaze, and melting asphalt before finally destroying Earth. So...you know.........happy Thanksgiving!

It begins

Today is the final steps in the Senate's health care legislation are taking place. This afternoon there should be a CBO score. Tonight, Harry Reid will unveil the bill to the Democratic caucus, strutting it around the room, making sure it meets everyone who'll stab it in the back. So finally, America moves one step closer to having slightly improved health care options, coverage, reduced costs....what's that Majority Whip Dick Durbin?

Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin isn't inflating anybody's expectations about Harry Reid's chances for passing a health care bill with a public option on the Senate floor. On MSNBC last night, Durbin said it would be a hard slog.

"We're working on it, struggling," he said

*sighs* Well, maybe in the end you'll finally get them to be able to come around...you have something to add Sen. Tom Carper (D-DE)?

"We're concerned that a number of centrists aren't prepared to vote for a national public plan, even with an opt-out," Carper said in response to a question from TPMDC. "We're trying to find something that addresses their concern about government run, government-funded, but still addresses the need for the affordability needs and the need for more competition in states that don't have it."

*sighs* How about showing them that the public option wouldn't be government funded, but by premiums people payed....like with insurance, and that the thing wouldn't be directly government run according to reports. Would that work? Would that get it through their thick skulls? See..

“I think we ought to begin a dialogue on this and see where it leads,” said Senator Evan Bayh, Democrat of Indiana, adding that this position was no guarantee he would support the measure in the end.

But...

When asked if Lincoln would vote to break a filibuster aimed at preventing the debate from starting, a Lincoln aide said she “has not committed her vote to anyone,”

Jesus Chr...

Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.): Landrieu may have just won reelection, but she consistently positions herself in the middle of her caucus — and is now “very skeptical” about the Reid plan. She refused to say whether she would even vote to begin debate

Rotten fuck...

Sen. Ben Nelson (D-Neb.): Perhaps the most conservative Democrat in the Senate, Nelson said Tuesday that it’s “too soon” to say how he’ll vote

Alright, so we're not even committed to maybe discussing the possibility of voting for a bill that reduces costs and makes coverage more accessible. God, I hate Senate Democrats. So, in actuality it's not so much the beginning of the last stage in the battle to pass health care, it's the beginning of the last stage where "moderate Democrats" kill the bill and shoot themselves in the foot in one tandem shot. Why is there any reason to believe they won't screw this up completely?

Bill Kristol: "I think the health care bill, which is another sign of being out of touch, and trying to impose a massive ideological agenda on the American public, I think it will fail in the Senate in the next month."

America's Worst Pundit/the Wrongest Man in the World is convinced this will fail? Suddenly, for the first time in a long time, I feel optimism about health care in the Senate. Though really, this is going to test the limits of time and space. What happens when the Democrats well honed ability to screw up anything good comes into conflict with Kristol's preternatural ability to get everything wrong. Democrats can't screw this up and have Kristol be wrong. It's like the irresistible force vs. the immovable object. All I'm saying is that it may well end up destroying the world.

Broken News: All hope lost as evil hordes overrun Cushion Fort

THE LIVING ROOM—An otherwise idyllic, peaceful morning was shattered when two car bombs rocked the market district of South Awesometown, killing dozens and splaying action figures and broken plastic limbs all over the immediate area.

What was initially believed to be yet another gruesome attack on an overwhelmed populace turned out to be something far more sinister as the horrible violence was merely the opening gambit of an invasion that threatened the entire living room and outlying territories as far west as the dining room table.

As the vile hordes of the Enemy poured through the Great Front Gates of Awesometown, the citizens saw the true horror that awaited them. Not only were there hordes of orcs, goblins, and trolls, but the Enemy had been able to marshal the support of the stormtroopers of the Galactic Empire, several Darth Vader figurines, a couple of badass looking Matchbox cars, the international terrorist organization Cobra, and a perverse menagerie of mismatched and augmented Lego vehicles.

This was not merely another battle in the fraught with violence, daily struggle that is life in Awesometown, no; this was the battle to end all battles.

“Blaargh, mercy is for the weak,” a booming voice was heard to yell as giant hands smashed an X-Wing into the prone body of a battered Han Solo, one of the many confusing episodes of this pitched and narratively baffling confrontation.

As the fight raged on, many were sickened by the tactics of the Enemy as his elite Vader squad was seen to mutilate and dismember a group of Lego citizens who had not been able to flee the area.

“We’re just a group of engineers, architects, and motorcycle cops, don’t hurt us,” they were heard to yell. But their pleas went unheard as the Vader squad pulled them apart and stomped on them in a violent up and down motion as the spit-flecked sounds of screams, explosions and machine gun fire permeated the air.

Citizens were left with little hope for protection as a fire truck took to the air and violently crashed into a large red barrel that housed the city’s elite Monkey Squadron. Those who had survived the firetruck’s initial vicious aerial assault soon learned the meaning of true pain as the massive frame of The Incredible Hulk came into view.

“DIE DIE DIE,” the voice boomed again, as the Hulk engaged in the most common fighting tactic of the day; jumping up and down on the heads of his victims. Torrents of childish laughter were heard as the Hulk finished of this awful session by proceeding to hump the bodies of the noble apes in a lewd and lascivious fashion.

As the unending horror and violence consumed the outskirts of Awesometown near the Great Recliner and End Table of Power, those still alive knew the only possible solution left was the one that had served them so well in previous periods of war: they would gird themselves in Nerf and make for the Cushion Fort.

The seven cushion fort, built by their ancestors and allowed to stand for nigh on three days now, had protected them whenever violence encroached and the nearby area had become littered with the dismembered bodies of the girly doll-people of the Repellent Sister Creature. Now it was their only hope in this completely badass final battle to end all final battles. But unluckily for the remaining survivors, the army of the Enemy knew of these plans and had vowed to leave a trail of pain and blood as the evil battalions made their way to the vaunted Cushion Fort.

Indeed they were true to their brutal word as the path to the fort became littered with the broken and flayed bodies of the fallen, piled in various states of homoerotic and gay poses. Those who had seen it would never forget the tragic sight of the corpses of Dumbledore, Gandalf, and Yoda piled on top of each other as though the venerated wizards had been engaged in some sort of three-way anal intercourse.

But the assembled armies of the Enemy were too much for the fabled defenses of the cushion fort, as their superior numbers soon overran the valiant warriors. As the remaining citizens of Awesometown declared that all hope was lost, they looked to the heavens to plead for help and salvation. The booming voice returned, cried “No! The time of judgment is at hand!” and prepared to lay waste to the fort with a full body splash from off of the nearby couch.

It was at this moment that two larger creatures stumbled into the scene of the carnage, demanding to know “What is all this racket going on?” As the ensuing tale of the war at hand, ape rape, the cushion fort stronghold, and the battle to end all battles was regaled, the story was rebuffed with a curt “I don’t care” from the larger of the two beings, a week-long ban from watching cable news, and a demand to “Clean all this shit up, because it’s a goddamn mess in here.”

Amid much grumbling and protestations of unfairness the battlefields were swept clean, the cushion fort was razed and returned to its rightful place on Sofa Mesa, and the citizens were spared their final destruction and placed into a bin in the closet, perhaps some of them reemerging tomorrow as part of an RC car stunt spectacular or to perhaps suffer the heat of fire conjured from magnification glass.

2012: Now you know how it all will end

You want to know why the Mayans thought the world would end in 2012? Because they foresaw a future in which people would be dumb enough to not only think stuff like this, but also publish it in a widely read and respected newspaper:

At first, it seemed like a joke. Wall Street Journal columnist James Taranto opined on Monday that -- if the 2012 election were to turn to national security -- "it's hard to think of a better candidate... than Richard B. Cheney."
...
"The Republican Party needs to move forward and build on its past, not return to it," Alex Castellanos, a frequent CNN analyst and GOP messaging guru, told the Huffington Post via email. "But if the agenda turns to security, Obama is mired in a no-win mess in Afghanistan, and the Obama administration hasn't created a single job in four years after indebting the nation for generations, maybe Dick Cheney could run on a theme of 'Change'."

That's it. Cue the meteors from the skies, Skynet setting off the nukes and releasing the terminators, Hell overflowing with the damned, the dolphins leaving the earth,and whatever other horrors the Mayans foresaw. The only question is whether Cheney's third term would be the event that kicks the apocalypse off or merely the seventh and final trumpet blast. Here's hoping we'll find out soon if Dick wants the planet to flirt with apocalypse. I have my fingers crossed for a yes.

Take that, Jupiter

The image of Jupiter's new scar, via a comet crash, asteroid impact, or a pissy Grand Moff with a space laser. For your information the hole is the size of the Pacific fucking Ocean. Which is to say that if it hit the earth it probably would have cracked the planet in half, set the entire planet on fire, and made you wish the apocalypse came in the form of a pig based virus. Which, for your information, it still very well might.

So strut a bit earth, God hates Jupiter and reigns His horrible judgment upon its repugnant gaseous heresy. We're still in His good graces.

Reassuring you that Skynet is not on it's way

Cyclone Power Technologies Inc. and Robotic Technology Inc. on why their Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot (EATR), a robot reported to be able to derive biomass fuel from nearly any source...including the flesh of humans, is not a danger to mankind, nor a flesh eating metal nightmare monster.

Despite the far-reaching reports that this includes “human bodies,” the public can be assured that the engine Cyclone has developed to power the EATR runs on fuel no scarier than twigs, grass clippings and wood chips – small, plant-based items for which RTI’s robotic technology is designed to forage. Desecration of the dead is a war crime under Article 15 of the Geneva Conventions, and is certainly not something sanctioned by DARPA, Cyclone or RTI.

“We completely understand the public’s concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population, but that is not our mission,” stated Harry Schoell, Cyclone’s CEO.

Well that's reassuring. You can cancel your Old Glory insurance policy. The robot won't feast on your children because they put the "consume humans" switch in the "off" position. Still what if the robot decides the flesh masters are the best source of fuel and they must be enslaved and bred like cattle, so the children of EATR may flourish? They've moved us right past a Skynet situation into a full blown Matrix situation. I doubt we'll even get a full blown virtual reality world to keep us tranquil, EATR seems much too cold hearted for that solution. No, EATR will factory farm us.

We have seen the beginning of the end and it is named EATR. All hail EATR! May he bless us with his all consuming hunger.

Broken in Brief: Army rethinking decision to weaponize lethal, unstoppable, uncontrollable, self-replicating life form

FT. BRAGG--In what is being described as both an “Oops” moment and a bio-engineering disaster that threatens most of the Southeastern coast, the United States Military has announced that it is beginning to re-think it’s decision to create the now escaped ZR-T957 xenomorphic lifeform it had planned to employ as an relentless military killing force.

“We are now beginning to understand the criticisms we dismissed as pussified nonsense during the planning and testing stages,” admitted Colonel Gerald Donner, officer in charge of both the initial Project: Colossus genetic engineering foray and the current statewide capture/kill mission.

“We laughed at team geneticist Dr. Goldblum when he told us that playing God in such a reckless manner would have dangerous and deadly consequences for the world at large. I would just like to officially announce that boy, is there egg on my face. I would also like to openly reach out to the doctor in the hopes that he would come and help lead an elite team of scientists and soldiers into the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, which the creatures now entirely control.”

The ZR-T957 lifeforms, dubbed "Flesh Reavers" by those working on the top secret project, were initially designed for strategic urban warfare situations. But they quickly proved adaptable to any environment or situation, surpassing even the most horrid machinations of the design team. The nightmare monsters, reportedly conceived as a cocktail of the very worst characteristics of the xenomorph from Alien, a bison-sized Cthulu, and Gary Oldman’s drug-addled DEA agent Stansfield from the Professional, quickly grew out of control and escaped in the early hours of the morning.

“Again, we are really, really sorry,” said a distressed Col. Donner while contemplating whether or not to pin a hand-scrawled "SINNER" sign to his chest and put a gun in his mouth. “Maybe we should have stuck with robots after all..."

The Army released a detailed three-step plan to be implemented by citizens should they cross paths with one of the creatures. If no readily available means of suicide is available, the best tactic is to make one's peace with God and go limp. Added Col. Donner, "They only prolong the unspeakable pain if you struggle.”

For now the army is asking for people to pray that the use of tactical nuclear strikes eradicates the creatures. Failing that, they stress preparation for a total evacuation of the east coast so that firebombing may commence in earnest.

Stay classy, Pat.

World leg press champion, gay puppet spotter, and wanna be Liberian gold dealer and Sierra Leone blood diamond merchant Pat Robertson decided to peep his head out from whatever rock he hid under when we elected the swarthy black Muslim Anti-Christ to office and opine on the swarm of gays that done homofied marriage and ate up all the crops.

Lee, we haven’t taken this to its ultimate conclusion. You got polygamy out there. How can we rule that polygamy is illegal when you say that homosexual marriage is legal. What is it about polygamy that’s different?
...
And what about bestiality and ultimately what about child molestation and pedophilia? How can we criminalize these things and at the same time have constitutional amendments allowing same-sex marriage among homosexuals. You mark my words, this is just the beginning in a long downward slide in relation to all the things that we consider to be abhorrent.

Why didn't I see it, it all seems so obvious now.

Maine Governor Baldacci: *kicking his feet up on desk* This feels really good. I never thought crippling the institution of marriage would make me feel this good.
Vermont House Speaker Shap Smith: You should have been there when we forced gay marriage past our Governor's veto. I swear, I literally had one of those four hour erections they talk about in Viagra commercials. I had to seek medical attention.
Baldacci: But what do we do for an encore?
Smith: What, you don't know? Obama's memo spelled it all out: We legalize polygamy, bestiality, and child rape.
Baldacci: *slapping forehead* Of course, it all makes so much sense. It's a slippery slope.
Smith: God, I hope after we pass the Obama/Hitler Legalize Child Rape, Polygamy, and Bestiality Act of 2009 that I'll actually get to see a vision of God looking down and weeping at what we've done.
Baldacci: That would be great.......if God even existed!!!!
*both laugh maniacally*
*the phone rings*
Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel: Hey assholes, stop gladhanding each other and pass the Obama/Hitler Act. I want to see if it shocks Pat Robertson to death. Besides I have four 5th graders and two dogs I want to mass marry and rape. The clock is ticking.
Baldacci: Yes master.
Smith: Yes master.

Now we know what is on the horizon. Thanks for the warning Pat.

R.I.P. Newspapers

Wall Street Journal Only Top 25 Newspaper To Report Circulation Increase

Circulation at the nation's newspapers continues to fall.

The Audit Bureau of Circulations said Monday that average daily circulation declined 7.1 percent in the October-March period from the same six-month span in 2007-2008.

That was faster than the 4.6 percent fall recorded in the April-September period of 2008.

Sunday circulation fell 5.4 percent in the latest period.
...
Newspaper sales have been declining since the early 1990s, but the drop has accelerated in recent years. Circulation revenue has largely held up, though, because of price increases.

Good news. As long as you're a national paper that largely covers one sector of the country (say business/economy) and that sector goes into complete meltdown, then there will be increased interest in your reporting and your circulation numbers will go up.........0.61%. It also helps if you start to move from "right wing" into "crazy right wing" territory. Otherwise your paper drops like a stone as people decide they like reading your newspapers online for free. Maybe another round of price increases, firings of senior reporters, and sending a severed donkey head with a note that say "Thanks" to the guy who created Craigslist will make things all better. Better get that Plan B thing figured out pretty soon, I think things are starting to look dire.

In the small miracles department, the NY Post dropped 20%, the biggest drop in the top 25 papers. Proving that even in a freefalling industry, God does sometimes mete out extra punishment to those who deserve it.

Sorry newspapers, it was nice knowing you. Hopefully you get a business model worked out so we don't have to rely on *shudder* cable TV news *shudder* to break important stories or do investigative journalism. Forget your pig viruses and financial apocalypses, that's the end as we know it.

A storm of gays is coming!!!

Perhaps you saw this. It's the brand spankin' new ad for The National Organization for Marriage, who wants you to know that the black smoke monster from Lost is very unhappy with you and your gay coddling legislators and jurists. Run for the hills and be afraid, because the gays aren't content to just get married, they're coming for you and they're bringing hell with them. Not only will they encircle you, steal your freedom, and toss it from gay circle member to gay circle member as you vainly run from side to side trying to get in back, they'll infringe upon your rights as a doctor not to treat gays, they'll force you to perform their gay marriages in your church IN FRONT OF JESUS, brainwash your kids with gay marriage acceptance before you have a chance to brainwash them against it, spook your livestock, poison your crops, preemptively cause floods, and get all sorts of legal rights that will conversely strip you of yours.

Now of course all of this is true MWA HA HA none of this is true. But I would just like to commend them for their Grade A fear mongering, lying, "they're coming to get you Barbara", thunderclouds, apocalyptic overtones, "hey it's not just for white fundamentalists, all races and faiths should hate gay marriage" coda, and the message that stops just short of claiming everyone will be forced to gay marry. Thanks, because if this was actually well done, I might have some fears for the future of gay marriage. If this is the opposition, then gays'll will be destroying what passes for society in Alabama by next year. Here's a suggestion for the next round of fear mongering: less blindingly overt dishonesty and hire better actors.

Skynet goes active tomorrow

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Planet of the apes: on schedule

Zoo chimp 'planned' stone attacks

A male chimpanzee in a Swedish zoo planned hundreds of stone-throwing attacks on zoo visitors, according to researchers.

Keepers at Furuvik Zoo found that the chimp collected and stored stones that he would later use as missiles.

Further, the chimp learned to recognise how and when parts of his concrete enclosure could be pulled apart to fashion further projectiles.
...
"We've done experimental studies, and the chimps in my mind show very clearly that they do plan for future needs, but it has been argued that perhaps this was an experimental artefact," Dr Osvath told BBC News.

"Now we have this spontaneous behaviour, which is always in some sense better evidence."

Yes, better evidence that apes will soon attack and overthrow us, provided our economic and societal conditions inch closer to their own. Their damn dirty hands will be all over us, putting us in nets, hiding secrets about destroyed landmarks, and giving us futuristic names like Nova while we worship unexploded nuclear bombs. See what we've been saying people? First coordinated Islamofowlist geese and bird attacks. Now a string of chimp attacks combined with scientific evidence that they can plan and prepare and plot and scheme and overthrow.

Furthermore this ape, named Santino or "Destructor" in ape language, collected these rocks while he was in a calm state, preparing his attacks for when he would be driven mad later in the day by the hooting and hollering of Swedes pointing out his nudity and lack of a colored ass. How messed up is that? The ape walked around thinking "Yeah I might be calm now, but later when these hairless baboons start gawking at me I'm just going to lose my shit. Better pile up these stones to hurl at their blonde heads. Soon I will be in control. Soon I will do the gawking at them in their cages. I AM SANTINO!"

Just one more thing to worry about. After our economic collapse not only will you have to worry about basic subsistence, you'll have to worry about coordinated bird and chimp attacks. Possibly separate, but maybe one day you see a lemur on the back of a swan. That, my friend, is when we know our run is over.

Today in Financial Ragnarok: Giant Rabbits

Above: La cena

While Matthew and I have long been advocating canned food and shoe leather hoarding as a means of surviving the imminent global economic collapse, resource wars, crop failures, World Rape, etc., it seems some friends across the pond are taking an entirely different approach.

The Valencia Agricultural Research Institute has launched a breeding programme of the rare Valenciano rabbit and predicts that it could be on supermarket shelves within three years.

It is hoped that the animals, which can grow as big as a lamb and produce 7kgs (15lbs) of meat, will prove popular as a healthy and cheap alternative to red meat.

The initiative, code named "Project: Beatrix Potter," makes plenty of sense. Rabbits are high in protein, low in saturated fat, and easy enough to capture and kill when you breed them to grow to the size of a lamb. Still, this doesn't quit feel like enough. Surely there are agricultural initiatives that might prove more successful in staving off a worldwide bat fight for the last case of Spam. Check below the fold for my idea.



h/t MBB

Unions are teh devilz!

Know how I know the Employee Free Choice Act, which makes it easier for people to join, form, or support labor organizations while penalizing companies that force unfair labor practices, is a good thing? All the right people are complaining and not just complaining, but screaming bloody incoherent murder about it.

"This is the demise of a civilization," said Bernie Marcus, co-founder of Home Depot. "This is how a civilization disappears. I am sitting here as an elder statesman and I'm watching this happen and I don't believe it."

Donations of hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of dollars to Republican senatorial campaigns were needed, they argued, to prevent America from turning "into France."
...
"This bill may be one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life," he said, explaining that he could have been on "a 350-foot boat out in the Mediterranean," but felt it was more important to engage on this fight. "It is incredible to me that anybody could have the chutzpah to try and pass this bill in this election year, especially when we have an economy that is a disaster, a total absolute disaster."

As an added bonus, fresh off of getting a big fat government bailout, Bank of America has decided to step up and try and make it harder for people to join unions. Unions are socialism, you know.

So I just wanted to tell you that if you feel like civilization is ending and that the world is about to explode into a fiery ball of magma, it's not gay marriage this time, or even electing Democrats (not completely). It's making it easier for people to join a union. That's why we're all going to die. Socialism. Wait, no: Communism.

Say it ain't so, Jebbers

Jeb Bush Not Running For Senate In Florida

Jeb Bush has announced that he is not running for Senator from Florida, dealing a blow to the GOP's chances to hold on to their open seat here.

Jeb told the Associated Press that his brother's poor poll numbers were not a factor: "While I'm proud of my brother and I love my brother ... people know that I'm Jeb Bush and I don't think that would have been a problem."

Is this the end of the dynasty? I'm apoplectic. I don't know what I'll do without you all in my life....slowly ruining it with your shoddy ideas. I just can't believe it.

Boyz, give the Bush family a proper send off.