Branching out

We've all said this phrase out loud over the past few years: "Boy, I just love the way Blackwater/Xe indiscriminately shoots civilians, acts outside the law, is a secretive extra-legal mercenary force, and generally acts like the evil secret army of a Bond villain. I wonder if I can get a mug or t-shirt or a few rounds of ammunition with their logo on it?" Well, Christmas has come early.

At the Blackwater Pro Shops in Fayetteville, North Carolina and Salem, Connecticut, you can “purchase clothing and equipment emblazoned with the logo,” the Solider Systems blog explains. ”If that doesn’t get your blood pumping you can also try out your new firearms at their indoor range.”

There’s already an online store selling all sorts of swag — from a “BW Cosmopolitan Pilsner Glass” to a Blackwater cap.

They also sell shoes, in case you want some SWAT tactical boots or a nice pair of Merrell's for that hike with your sweetie. You can also get a nice water bottle, a Blackwater Camp Integrity long sleeve shirt, or a BW-15... the custom AR-15 produced by Blackwater that comes with a matched upper and lower receiver, a 16 inch chrome lined M-4 cut barrel with standard handguard, 4 to 6 position collapsible stock, and a detachable carry handle. You can also customize what accessories you want on the gun. I'm going with the gas block mounted front sight, Carbine Omega rail, single point sling attachment, and the thing where I can shoot carloads of Iraqi's and not face any legal punishment.

So if you were looking for a little something that screams "I support lawless mercenary organizations", you're in luck. No longer will you have to bootleg Blackwater t-shirts or scrawl the amateurish paw logo into all your weapons. You can buy that shit direct now. Help them out with a few bucks as business is rough what with everyone knowing and reviling their name. They really need to improve their bottom line to get Eric Prince the best price possible on their upcoming sale. Maybe Steve Jobs can buy it, as I've often thought Blackwater wasn't secretive or vindictive enough.

Cheap Blogging Crutch - 5.11.10

If you're wondering about the picture above, I've got nothing for you. An image with that much Awesome packed into it requires no explanation whatsoever. To the links!

Last month a Seattle police officer detained an innocent Latino man and allegedly threatened to “beat the [expletive] Mexican piss out” of him. As much as I hope that justice is served and the cop is tossed in jail, where I'm sure he'll be very popular, I have to ask: why "Mexican piss"? Brevity suggests the universal shorthand "Corona" would be more appropriate.

While we're on the subject of criminal behavior on the part of the authorities, the Chicago Police Department will not press charges against a CVS employee who chased down and strangled to death a man who had shoplifted a tube of toothpaste. While an officer was on the scene, no less. One can only presume the predictably black suspect would have escaped with his life had he opted for the Extra Whitening.

Not content with war profiteering and murder abroad, Satan's cock wart defense contractor Blackwater/Xe has launched SnapScouts, a mobile phone application that enables America's youth to spy on on neighbors. I applaud this, as kids need to learn about mercenary armies and lawless international behavior as soon as possible. Actually, it turns out that this is fake, but you have to admire the satire, especially when it involves so many 1984 references.

The lovely and intrepid Daniela Perdomo points out that in the three weeks since Deepwater Horizon asploded, the American government hasn't exactly taken up the mantle of disciplinarian. In fact, while pistol-whipping the petroleum industry in the press and at pointless congressional finger-pointing sessions hearings, the Interior Department has quietly approved 27 new permits for offshore drilling. In similar news, Glenn Beck is PETA's new spokesperson.

We end, as always, with The Funny, today taking the form of the most epic Hipster text message break-up of all time. Ladies, when are you going to learn that you can't text message breakup?

And our hired killers used to be so honest...

Do your best to feign surprise at today's Washington Post article about two ex-Blackwater employees who have come clean about the private security firm's systematic defrauding of the US government during its time in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Two former employees of Blackwater Worldwide have accused the private security contractor of defrauding the government for years with phony billing, including charging for a prostitute, alcohol and spa trips.

That's right, kids. Why stop at the occasional unprovoked massacre when you've got a shot at some full-bore war profiteering? And as much fun as peppering unarmed mud people with automatic weapons fire and embezzling hundreds of millions of taxpayers' money might be, think of the chicks...

The Davises assert that Blackwater officials kept a Filipino prostitute on the company payroll for a State Department contract in Afghanistan, and billed the government for her time working for Blackwater male employees in Kabul. The alleged prostitute's salary was categorized as part of the company's "Morale Welfare Recreation" expenses, they said.

This, for me, is the truly revelatory portion of the article. As far as I'm concerned, prostitutes are now 100% tax-deductible. And just in time for this year's filing period!

Oh Blackwater, you scamps

Another day, another Blackwater scandal. It seems to lovable extralegal rascals and their private army have gotten into another minor kerfuffle over whether or not it is wise or even legal to indiscriminately shoot civilians while drunk and off duty. Blackwater employees say yes, foreign governments, the law, and those with a shred of human decency say no. Who is to say who is right?

Two former Blackwater operatives were arrested by US federal agents on murder charges, stemming from their alleged involvement in the shooting deaths of two Afghan civilians in Kabul in May.
...
In May, reports emerged that four Blackwater/Xe operatives working for Paravant LLC were alleged to have fired on a civilian car they say they saw as a threat, killing at least one Afghan civilian. According to the Wall Street Journal's August Cole, "At least some of the men, who were former military personnel, had been allegedly drinking alcohol that evening, according to a person familiar with the incident. Off-duty contractors aren't supposed to carry weapons or drink alcohol."

Blackwater employees lighting up a bunch of innocent civilians at a traffic light? Where have I heard that one before? You think they would have passed out a memo telling everyone not to do that. Of course, being the reactionary hotheads that they are, the family of the slain men and the people of Kabul not only blame Blackwater and the US, but are immensely unhappy and loathe us. Hearts and minds, folks, hearts and minds. All in a day's work for Blackwater.

Now I'm not here to pile on Blackwater, mention just how dangerously intertwined they are with our operations overseas, or abhor their tactics and seeming complete lack of any goddamn sense. No, that's what everyone else does. In fact, you might be wondering "Is there anything good that Blackwater is affiliated with?" Well, there is Jeremy Scahill's book, but I'm not sure that's what you meant. But yes, I am here to tell you that Blackwater is in fact affiliated with something good.

One of the stars of the widely acclaimed Iraq war film The Hurt Locker has claimed that the filmmakers hired the mercenary firm Blackwater while shooting the film in the Middle East, including in Palestinian refugee camps in Jordan.

"We had these Blackwater guys that were working with us in the Middle East and they taught us like tactical maneuvers and stuff--how to just basically how to position yourself and move with a gun," said Hurt Locker star Anthony Mackie in an interview with the New York Times's Carpetbagger blog.

You know, now that I think of it, I always suspected Jeremy Renner might have been involved in killing 17 civilians.

Now producers deny this claim, saying they only hired mercs and they may or may not have worked for Blackwater, but they didn't contract out to Blackwater itself. Well, whether Blackwater worked on the film or is only being mention in conjunction with the film, it's at least something positive, because the Hurt Locker kicked fucking ass. So yes, there is something decent that the organization now known as Xe may have been involved in. That's the best news about them that has ever come out. Good for them. More consults on great movies, less killing of civilians and undermining our efforts to fight terrorism. Now go see the Hurt Locker.

It's a deal, it's a steal

You know it is our duty here at These Bastards to bring you news of any financial opportunities that cross our paths. So we would be remiss if we didn't tell you about the above ship, named the MacArthur, that Yachtworld is currently selling for the bargain basement price of $3.7 million. Don't take my word for it, look at the specs:

The "McArthur" is totally self-contained, makes her own water, and has satellite communications systems that provide for continuous broadband service and satellite telephone. The vessel has a two bed hospital and carries adequate stores of food and supplies to support her crew and 30 additional personnel for 45 days without re-supply. She has the ability to land and fuel small and medium size helicopters and store, launch and retrieve 3 small craft up to 15 tons and 36 ft. in length. She has temporary sheltering for over 100 survivors from disasters.

With those capabilities and at that price, I don't think it'll last long, so if you wan it you'd better move on it. Need any more incentive? Well, it was the boat Blackwater outfitted in order to take up the private-sector pirate-hunting business. But then those Somali guys stopped taking so many hostages, the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movie was a bloated mess, and Blackwater's name became toxic, so there just wasn't a market for them to exploit.

$3.7 million. I can guarantee it was never used to temporarily shelter 100 survivors in a humanitarian crisis. No wear and tear. Maybe you can start your own extra-legal navy or just hold monkey-knife fights in international waters. Do whatever you want. Think about it.

Oh and don't get all teary eyed for Blackwater. They may have had a setback on their plans to buckle swashes and sail several seas, but on the other hand, they did get a big thumbs up on indiscriminately murdering 17 Iraqi civilians in a gun "battle". So they do have that going for them. Frankly this yacht sale just saves them the negative publicity that would have stemmed from their inevitable sinking an Iraqi fishing boat with 17 people on it.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 12.02

Blackwater's Secret War in Pakistan
Jeremy Scahill really wants to write about something other than all the shady shit Blackwater, nee Xe Services, does, but it's just they're given so many opportunities to do shady shit and it is so utterly shady that he's just forced to write about it. More or less, Blackwater is running a secret assassination/kidnapping ring at the behest of the CIA in a program so secret that the White House might not even know about it. Well at least the CIA is getting a handle on this "plausible deniability" stuff, you just kind of wish they wouldn't use the only American organization in the area with a worse reputation than themselves.

Sarah Palin, Israel and Armageddon
Hey, wouldn't it be great if Sarah Palin just started getting really crazy and started spouting off weird Israel related rapture buzzwords, started hanging out with evangelicals who openly promote pro-Israel policies in service of the second Exodus/second coming of Christ/Armageddon, and generally became more dangerous, Jesusy, and crazy? Well...good news then; you got your wish.

UK Iraq War Inquiry: Blair Was Told Iraq War Was Illegal, Decided On War In 2002
Ahh, the United Kingdom, you poor hopeless bastards. Let me see if I have this right: you not only investigated your involvement in the Iraq war, but you did so in a serious manner, and are releasing finding as the investigation goes on? Rookie mistake. The correct way to do things is to admit "mistakes were made", never authorize investigating those mistakes because "they were in the past and we're focused on the future", and then set about whitewashing everything and making the same mistakes, either on a whole new war or and golden oldie.

Capital in the Capitol: Total House Wealth Exceeds $1 Billion
Yup, humble servants of the people all. Plus, as a bonus, their actual net worth is probably more that twice that figure. It's probably even higher, on average, in the Senate. So now you don't have to wonder why no one in government ever seems to be concerned with the plight of regular "non-top 5% Americans". It's because none of them are one, and if they ever were one they've long since forgotten it. Perhaps we need to organize expeditions into America for our elected betters, so that they may study us "normals" much like Jane Goodall studied chimps. Perhaps then they can learn to understand us and learn that we aren't all that thrilled with massive corporate handouts, endless wars, and getting bent over various barrels of their choice.

The Bank Job
This time, it's Vanity Fair and Bethany McLean who decide to take the baton from Matt Taibbi and get in a good couple of shots at our money overlords at Goldman-Sachs. Did you know that ole GS pretty much never loses on the financial bets it makes, essentially has a license to print money because of securities "spreads", and ripped off it's own customers to the tune of $40 billion by selling them shoddy mortgage securities? Probably not, but I bet you could have guessed something equally shady and ethically questionable and been pretty close. I just hope when they're allowed to rewrite our regulatory laws, they throw some of all that excess cash on the nightstand and tell us they'll call us. We could use the ego boost.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.11

Influential Players: How Six Big Stakeholders Shaped Health Care
In a follow up to today's big health care shocker, TPM looks at how several of the large health care stakeholders were able to shape the debate and get what they wanted. You know, to "help" the American people. Mostly it's a bunch of groups that got minor concessions in return for their support. Only PhRMA was able to weasel billions out of the government in return for slapping a $20 on the nightstand and promising to call tomorrow. Damn government and its low self esteem.

Falling Far Short of Reform
David Leonhardt of the New York Times decided to waste a good sized chunk of his day looking at the House health care bill and then analyzing where it falls short and providing suggestions for ways it could be made better. Oh bless his precious, dear, naive heart. He actually thinks there's a chance for improving this bill and that the best way to improve it is with reasoned analysis and serious, thoughtful suggestions. I don't have it in my heart to break it to him that any suggestion that doesn't start with killing/incapacitating at least 60% of the Legislative branch neuters any change of getting something intelligent passed.

Why Employment Might Not Fully Recover Until 2013
Happiness vampire Mark "Mr. Sunshine" Thoma of CBS Moneywatch doesn't want you to let all the recent great job news go to your head. He says that in addition to unemployment being 10.2% that it isn't likely to recover until 2013, around the time President Palin is sworn into office. The son of a bitch even backs it up with charts. Is there any reason to have hope? Well, the earth might explode in 2012, so there's always that. Try and tough it out until then.

Blackwater Said to Pursue Bribes to Iraq After 17 Died
America's dainty sweethearts, Blackwater, is being accused of handing out $1 million in secret payments to Iraqi officials in order to buy their silence over that whole shooting civilians thing. I think we should give them all a round of applause, bribing is much less nefarious behavior than indiscriminate civilian murder, weapons smuggling, murder conspiracies on US soil, and mob style hit squads. I think they've learned their lesson. Let's give them five or six more no-bid contracts.

Vanished Persian army said found in desert
You think we know how to stage an epic Middle Eastern quagmire, then you haven't heard about Persian King Cambyses II, who lost 50,000 soldiers in 525 B.C. in what was called an "cataclysmic sandstorm". Well duh, you don't lose 50k if it gets a little dusty out. This is a vindication of a story by historian Herodotus that many had thought was a fanciful myth because no evidence had ever been found. Finally I can take off my "Believe in Herodotus" shirt and put on my "Herodotus: Vindicated" shirt. Glad I had both made up.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.26

How America Lost the War on Drugs
Ben Wallace-Wells of Rolling Stone traces America's failure/loss in the War on Drugs. How did we lose? To make a long story short: by fighting it. Among the highlights: RAND researchers finding out 13 years ago that the best way to reduce drug usage was treatment and education, not South American bombing campaigns and guerrilla wars. The study has never been implemented. Good times.

Progressive Caucus Finds Itself In A Strange Place: Power
HuffPo looks at the strange new thing rippling through the Democratic party: progressives and liberals who are taken seriously by the party establishment. My God, the horror. Mainly it has to do with them sticking to their guns (for once) on the issue of a public health insurance option. If a decent health care plan gets passed (HA!!) these are going to be the dirty liberal sons of bitches to thank.

NFL targeting binge drinking among fans in new season
Oh NFL, this means war. First you pussy up the game with more judgment calls about intent and hitting hard, then you continue to subject us to the commercial torments of John Cougar Mellencamp, and now you have the nerve to try to fight our ability to get blackout drunk in a parking lot at 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning or go to the concession stand in the 3rd quarter and come back with seven 28 ounce beers? Damn your evil eyes, Roger Goodell, damn them to hell. Hell is, incidentally, a Detroit Lions vs. Cleveland Browns week 16 match-up played over and over endlessly on a black and white TV.

Public Opinion and Gay Marriage
Some number crunchers have taken a look at gay marriage and have found out that not only has support for destroying Jesus' carefully written marriage laws becoming more popular, but that after gay marriage is legalized in a state it becomes even more popular. If we don't stop this menace what's next? Complete tolerance? No thank you, I already have enough weddings to go to.

Jeremy Scahill Slams Chuck Todd, Media, Congress Over Blackwater On "Real Time With Bill Maher" (VIDEO)
God bless you Mr. Scahill, three worthier targets for scorn could not be found. Mostly his outrage (outrage that is available in paperback) stems from the fact that no one in our pampered media elite or any of our elected betters seems to find it noteworthy or important that Blackwater is employed as a "Christian supremacist fighting force to eliminate Muslims and destroy Islam globally, and then they bill taxpayers again for this killing that they're doing and they're not held to the same standard as soldiers." That and they might also murder whistle-blowers on American soil. Chuck Todd's response: Waaaaaaaaaah. That's right dear media, everyone who thinks that extra legal mercenary fighting forces are bad are the crazy ones.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.05

G-20 cultural sites picked to host world leaders
The City of Pittsburgh has finally picked the cultural sites which the President and First Lady will use for G-20 cultural events. Among the main sites are the Phipps Conservatory and the Andy Warhol Museum, but Primanti Brothers Sandwich Shop, the Butler County Fair, and the place where Sienna Miller declared the town "Shitsburgh" have been offered up a secondary sites. The City has also offered up a "Tailgate with the Mayor" mixer for the world's dignitaries, to be held in the east parking lot in front of Heinz Field before the Steelers/Bengals game. After the kielbasa is served the world leaders are invited to watch the game on a portable TV the mayor will have set up near the grill.

Bon Iver, Thom Yorke confirmed for 'New Moon'
Hey, remember that period of time where you thought Thom Yorke had complete musical integrity and you were starting to think well of Bon Iver? Yeah...about that. Not only are they on the soundtrack to the Twilight sequel, they're writing new songs specifically for the film. Probably about vampires fighting werewolves and teen-angsty, crypto-Mormon love. Ah well, at least Johnny Greenwood isn't scoring Transformers 3.

The Double-J Wants $90 For That Pizza, Please
Anyone doubt that Jerry Jones built the Cowboy's new stadium for anything other than the expressed purpose of putting his dick in your wallet have all but been erased. You know what $800,000 gets you in Jerry's new palace? A suite, but not tickets to the games. You still have to pay for those. Once you buy the tickets and he has you completely held hostage, he then starts charging you for $90 plain pizza, $66 domestic 12 packs, and $22 Red Bulls. I have to applaud the balls here. I guess these people deserve it. Not only are they Cowboys fans, but they have enough money to buy suites at Cowboys games. They deserve to have their money taken from them.

Blackwater Founder Implicated in Murder
What? The man who ran an extra-legal force of lawless mercenaries who ran rampant, shooting first and asking questions later in Iraq, is implicated in a murder? And it isn't of a random brown foreign civilian in a warzone? Color me surprised. It turns out that owner Eric Prince might have facilitated the murder of several people who were co-operating with investigations into the company. Allegedly! Allegedly! Oh God, please don't kill me Mr. Prince. Forget it, this never happened. He isn't being investigated, he's been given an award for meritorious service. What's with all this murder talk? Ridiculous.

Glenn Beck Fan, Highly Armed, Busted For Casing National Guard Base
What are the odds? A crazed Glenn Beck fan, spurred on by his insane rantings and absolute disregard for the truth, packs up all her guns and goes to case a National Guard Base, convinced it's a "FEMA Concentration Camp." Well done, Glenn. You contribute to our society in new ways every day.

Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Boy Scouts

When the nation's military and reserves are off fighting two wars and the police are too burdened by crime to deal with border security, who then becomes the front line of America's war on illegal immigration, drug smuggling, human trafficking, terrorism, and other such unsightly problems stemming from US/Mexico border policy? The Boy Scouts. Naturally.

Ten minutes into arrant mayhem in this town near the Mexican border, and the gunman, a disgruntled Iraq war veteran, has already taken out two people, one slumped in his desk, the other covered in blood on the floor.

The responding officers — eight teenage boys and girls, the youngest 14 — face tripwire, a thin cloud of poisonous gas and loud shots — BAM! BAM! — fired from behind a flimsy wall. They move quickly, pellet guns drawn and masks affixed.

“United States Border Patrol! Put your hands up!” screams one in a voice cracking with adolescent determination as the suspect is subdued.

It is all quite a step up from the square knot.

The Explorers program, a coeducational affiliate of the Boy Scouts of America that began 60 years ago, is training thousands of young people in skills used to confront terrorism, illegal immigration and escalating border violence — an intense ratcheting up of one of the group’s longtime missions to prepare youths for more traditional jobs as police officers and firefighters.

.........Yeah. When did the Boy Scouts stop being about camping and pinewood derby races and made a move towards supplanting Blackwater as our nation's largest private army? Not that I'm against BSA doing a little career training and some of that being for law enforcement, but this seems less like that and more like highly decentralized organization allowing for mildly crazy survivalist militaristic types running kids through Army Ranger training far beyond the scope, depth, or breadth of anything the kids will ever become involved in. It seems not so much "this is what police officers do" and more "you are the spear point at the tip of a war"/"this is a legal substitute for SWAT training."

But yeah, I'm sure there will be no problems with a bunch of dads and a discharged Marine drill seargent from the local police force who's on probabtion for "anger issues" training a bunch a kids on use of assault weapons and hostage crisis scenarios. What could possibly go wrong?

Blackwater on the high seas

I bet through all this pirate brouhaha, after you yelled out "Yarrrrr matey", made a few Johnny Depp references, and cracked a parrot joke, you were thinking one thing: how's Blackwater going to make a fast buck off of this? Oh don't you worry about that, little dog, they've got it all figured out. The world's foremost extralegal, for hire, mercenary army knows how to protect you from pirates.

Private security firm Blackwater Worldwide began holding meetings in London on Tuesday with potential clients for a new business venture -- protection from pirates.

The Moyock, N.C., firm, which has grown rapidly through State Department security work in Iraq, has been courting shippers and insurance firms about protecting ships in pirate-infested waters. It's meeting with more than a dozen firms this week and hopes to drum up its first contract.
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Blackwater already has a ship it says could be deployed abroad to scare off or even challenge pirates: the 183-foot McArthur, which the company bought in 2006. It can carry two helicopters as well as rigid-hull inflatable boats favored by naval commandoes, and 30 guards in addition to a crew of 15. Blackwater's database of contractors includes former Navy SEALs and Coast Guard personnel.

I thought Blackwater wouldn't have attacked the pirates out of some sense of professional courtesy, but there are markets to corner. I am sure that this is exactly what the situation needs: a high seas merc army of ex-SEALS with no regard for any laws, only their clients, taking the fight to any pontoon or bystander they deem to be threatening. Oh, and then there's all those pirates. But hey, you've got to expand that business model, it can't all be State Department contracts in Iraq, hell the Iraqis are stripping your immunity from local law next year. Why not the high seas?