Can I point something out

A few days ago LeBron James leaves the city of Cleveland to take his talents to South Beach, by some estimates devaluing the Cavs by $100 million and cost the city and it's businesses $50 million a year.

Yesterday Cleveland comic book legend Harvey Pekar dies.

Today, Cleveland shipping magnate and Yankee owner George Steinbrenner dies of what everyone in the media is calling a MASSIVE -assive -assive heart attack. As opposed to a regular, hilarious, whimsical, easy heart attack.

I don't want to be too much of a doom obsessed gainsayer... but it's clear the God is killing anything and everything successful, talented, powerful, artistic, creative, or wealthy in Cleveland. I'm fairly certain that by week's end a meteor will have hit the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame, Drew Carey will have been murdered and cannibalized by a serial killer, the recipe for brown stadium mustard will be lost for all time, the lake will catch back on fire, the Browns will be able to field a team this year, and most of the townspeople will be turned into pillars of salt.

Cleveland is the new Sodom and Gomorrah and the Lord is piling up his vengeance on thee. Get out while you can. Even then... that didn't save Steinbrenner. I'd say "God have mercy on your souls", but it's clear he doesn't.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.30

Ron English on the Kellog's cereal drama. I know Apple Jacks usually gives you diarrhea, but it wasn't supposed to this time.

Matt Taibbi takes out his well worn indignation bat to beat Lara Logan, the establishment media, and the notion of today's media that it is their job to protect our political betters lest the peasants learn what they really think. It's over the Rolling Stone McChrystal piece. Taibbi nicely sums up everything that is wrong with most of our media, from their subservience to power to their galling contempt for people who aren't as cravenly sycophantic as they are. Glenn Greenwald also jumps in and throws a few elbows.

#374B in Things I Am Disappointed With the Obama Administration Over: An Ongoing Series. In this episode, the White House goes out of it's way to help banking sycophant Scott Brown insert loopholes into financial reform so that they could lighten the minuscule financial burden on large banks, remove it from hedge funds, and shift it onto small banks and the taxpayer. As one does. Funny, when it comes to something like a public option or, soon, cap-and-trade, the White House can never seem to muster the energy to make even the tiniest effort to push for it. But shift reform burdens from hedge funds to taxpayers? They'll work up a sweat for that. Bang up job.

The 4th of July is almost upon us and thus it is our duty as Americans to use cheaply made Chinese explosives to light up our skies, blow up frogs that couldn't get away fast enough, and remove fingers and/or hands. Except that due to the budget crisis that many communities are going through, firework celebrations are being cut. I hope you'll join us here at TB in celebrating the first annual Imagination Independence Day! It'll help us all work out the kinks so that Imagination Christmas will go off without a hitch.

With a hurricane bearing down on the Gulf oil spill, one asks God "Jesus fucking Christ, what else can you do to make this worse you bearded son of a bitch?" Would you be interested in a tsunami... caused by BP? That's right, the relief well that they're drilling that will totally fix everything for honests, may set of a "supersonic tsunami" by igniting all the trapped underground methane. Nice. After that, the BP Board will go door to door for face macing and groin kicks. It's the only way they know.

We've been a little hard on Barry recently, but we will commend him on one thing: before arresting a bunch of deep cover Russian spies, our President went out munching burgers with Russian President Medvedev as those commie spies were being rounded up. It takes a stone cold motherfucker to have burgers with the man whose spies you are about to have exposed and incarcerated in a massive international incident. More please.

Take that, Jupiter

The image of Jupiter's new scar, via a comet crash, asteroid impact, or a pissy Grand Moff with a space laser. For your information the hole is the size of the Pacific fucking Ocean. Which is to say that if it hit the earth it probably would have cracked the planet in half, set the entire planet on fire, and made you wish the apocalypse came in the form of a pig based virus. Which, for your information, it still very well might.

So strut a bit earth, God hates Jupiter and reigns His horrible judgment upon its repugnant gaseous heresy. We're still in His good graces.

Because I hate you

Fred Phelps' Westboro Baptist Church God Hates "Fill-in-the-blank" Choir decided to drop the new hit summer jam for all the kids to groove to while they burn in hell. It's titled "God Hates The World" and is sung to the tune of "We Are the World." Because while God does hate gays, you, soldiers, America, Pomeranians, doorstops, chicken cutlets, the 1812 Overture, non-religious types, gays, Gouda cheese, the Ford Focus, and the 1973 Philadelphia 76ers, he does like re-purposing famous songs to spread his message of hate. In case you're wondering: it's exactly as classy as you think it is.

I think this will be the new "Poker Face". Get ready to hear it in the clubs.

Broken News: Papal visit to decimated region fails to inspire, console

Above: Pope Benedict XVI demonstrates God's loving embrace

ABRUZZO, ITALY--The Vatican's public relations suffered yet another setback as Pope Benedict XVI's message of divine love and hope toward relief efforts in the wake of an earthquake that has so far killed 294 people fell on deaf ears, many of which were perfectly functional a few weeks ago.

As he made his annual pilgrimage to the Holy Land, The Pope made a surprise visit to this crippled region in central Italy, arriving by helicopter to surprisingly little fanfare. The Holy Father made the visit in a desperate attempt to prove the relevancy of the church, which has come under fire for emphasizing doctrine over science in the anti-AIDS campaign in Africa, continued protection for pedophile priests, general coldheartedness, a tin ear towards real problems, and a universally panned album of hymns done as American Country-Western ballads.

"His holiness is a little slow on the uptake," said Giuseppi Franona, a spaghetti bender from the Pescara province who lost his wife and infant son in the earthquake. "I know he's busy waving at stadiums, excommunicating 9 year-old rape victims, and trying on all those hats, but the earthquake happened almost a month ago..."

Upon arriving, The Pope's handlers helped him scale a pile of rubble that was still inexplicably smoldering. After offering a brief prayer for the dead, Pope Benedict reassured all those present that, "God loves you and brings upon you all the blessings of His kingdom."

It was here that the gathering began to unravel. In an uncharacteristic move for any Catholic official, The Pope opened the floor to questions, even going so far as to encourage those present to "speak their minds here before God."

Miranda Tadeccio, a local seamstress who had lived in the town for 119 years, hobbled forward and addressed Pope Benedict.

"Your Holiness, we thank you for visiting our meager home in a time of dire need. But would you mind coming down from that pile of rubble? I believe you are standing atop what used to be my house, which collapsed on whatever remains of my children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. How could a just God allow this to happen?"

A clearly embarrassed Pope claimed that he was "...consecrating the ground, not inconsiderately standing on a still burning corpse pile" and that she needed to "pray to... um... St. Agatha... or Jesus" to find the answers she sought. In a bizarre attempt to console the distraught woman, the Holy Father did mention that the resulting three generations of her family were "...in a better place now, and I don't mean under seven tons of burning granite" before winking at her.

Noting he had made things worse but failing to understand why, the Pope told her to "get over it" before tugging around the neck of his vestments and nervously muttering, "Whew, tough crowd" to a Cardinal standing nearby.

After Tadeccio had been removed from sight and summarily excommunicated, Pope Benedict relocated to the town square after a brief meeting with his PR staff and again urged all those present to ask answers of him.

Michael Vizzulo, a 19 year-old bicycle repairman, approached The Pope slowly, his head bowed. After kissing the Pontiff's ring and muttering a brief prayer, Vizzulo explained that during the quake, he had personally seen his brother impaled through the chest by the shattered thigh bone of their father. During the chaos of the following day's rescue efforts, Mr. Vizzulo saw four different dogs urinate on his brother's corpse.

"Your Holiness, I know that our Heavenly Father has a plan for all His children, but doesn't all of this strike you as just a bit malicious?"

The Holy Father could only mutter a "fuck, that's gruesome" before launching into the standard "God has a plan", Jesus, pray, "God loves you", pray, post-trauma church litany. Afterward he instructed an aide to hand the man a Bible and proclaimed things "all better." Mr. Vizzulo seemed non-plussed.

Once a group of Carolingian monks finished beating a lesson about the "love of Christ" and "infallibility" into Vizzulo outside the town's perimeter, His Holiness boarded the PopeCopter and moved north towards Milan, where he hoped a day of shoe shopping at Gucci and Prada would sooth his rattled nerves and help him understand how the Catholic Church could better get in touch with the common people.

Quotes of the day

Fundamentalists reactions to the recent gay marriage Supreme Court ruling in Iowa, the Washington DC recognition of same sex marriages from other state, and the Vermont legislature overriding a veto to make gay marriage legal and the threats posed by all three.

Tony Perkins, FRC

"Same-sex 'marriage' is a movement driven by wealthy homosexual activists and a liberal elite determined to destroy not only the institution of marriage, but democracy as well."

Mathew Staver, Liberty Counsel

“By redefining marriage, the Vermont legislature removed the cornerstone of society and the foundation of government."

Concerned Women for America

“Vermont legislators’ futile attempt to replace God by vainly redefining marriage eerily follows how that first man and woman acted on the first temptation — and the root of all temptations — to act as if they were gods. That one decision by Adam and Eve to believe that they could ‘be like God’ separated them from God, destroyed the peace that they had experienced, and ushered in what some would call ‘unintended consequences’ of pain and destruction.”

Well, obviously. Just one question: is society/democracy/government going to be destroyed some time today or do we have to wait for the accumulation of gay marriages before the Earth is thrown off its axis, the streets turn to lava, and a thunderous lightening bolt from above cracks the Constitution in half? Because I have some errands to run today and I don't want to be caught out in God's retribution for gay marriage.

Ragnarok

Space rock gives Earth a close shave

An asteroid of a similar size to a rock that exploded above Siberia in 1908 with the force of a thousand atomic bombs whizzed close past Earth on Monday, astronomers said on Tuesday.

2009 DD45, estimated to be between 21 and 47 meters (68 and 152 feet) across, raced by at 1344 GMT on Monday, the Planetary Society and astronomers' blogs reported.

The gap was just 72,000 kilometers (44,750 miles), or a fifth of the distance between Earth and the Moon and only twice the height of satellites in geosynchronous orbit, the website space.com said.

The estimated size is similar to that of an asteroid or comet that exploded above Tunguska, Siberia, on June 30 1908, flattening 80 million trees in a swathe of more than 2,000 square kilometres (800 square miles).

Actual apocalypse: averted. Financial apocalypse: still on schedule.

Still lets hear it for deep space monitoring. What's that? They only knew it was coming three days before? Phenomenal. Well, at least we now know that a scenario where a giant rock bears down on us and we have weeks to do what we always wanted to do, tell people we love them, and generally make our peace with our impending death will never happen. We'll look up one day and see a giant flaming rock hurtling down from space, we'll all receive a text message from NASA saying "WoRLd asplode s00n. LULZ! 0ur bad", and we'll all die on fire.

More important than this horrible revelation is our worst fears being realized right after we elected a black guy. Barry takes the oath and God starts lobbing giant rocks high and tight, just like Deep Impact and Dave Chappelle predicted.

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