I knew we shouldn't have allowed Obama to use time travel

We often accuse the GOP and it's leadership of being wanton liars who are ignorant of history and who will spin a complete falsehood about anything at any time because... well... they are and they do. It's fairly straightforward. It's not so much an accusation as a "pointing out".

Which leads me to comical punchline in waiting, RNC Chairman Michael Steele. Not one to led a good media crisis about Afghanistan go to waste, he decided to cancel his book tour or speaking engagements or whatever it is he does when he's supposed to be running the RNC, to knock Obama for the McChrystal thing. But because he's Michael Steele and because he's incapable of making criticism based on actual evens, he decided to descend into a Little Nemo-like dream kingdom to criticize the fantastical history of that imaginary land.

"The McChrystal incident, to me, was very comical. And I think it's a reflection of the frustration that a lot of our military leaders have with this Administration and their prosecution of the war in Afghanistan," said Steele. "Keep in mind again, federal candidates, this was a war of Obama's choosing. This is not something the United States had actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in."

I think we all remember that sad day back in 2001 when President Obama burst out of a time-traveling DeLorean, knocked President Bush away from his podium during a n address to a joint session of Congress, declared his right as "Future Leader" to declare war on Afghanistan, declared war on Afghanistan, and then banged a nearby gavel making it all official and legally binding. OBAMA CHOSE THIS WAR AND REPUBLICANS HAVE ALWAYS OPPOSED IT!

Or, you know, was handed it about 8 years in, was told "I know we haven't paid much attention to this other war, but it's fostered the destabilization of Pakistan and could result in a failed nuclear state and a resurgent Al Qaeda. Well.... bye, I've got a BBQ to hit up in Crawford." And yeah, I think this is a war Republicans especially wanted prosecuted, because it was the war we engaged in to get revenge on that whole 9/11 thing. The war in Iraq was the one that this country wasn't fully on board with. Maybe, that whole "actively prosecuted" statement was a crack at how the Bush Administration completely ignored Afghanistan once they figured out they could start one in Iraq.

Still, I know I'll get accused of being part of the "Blame Bush" crowd, just because I point out the things he's responsible for, but yeah, he's the one that started up the war. Obama's continuing it because he thinks there's a strategic value in a stable Afghanistan and Paksitan... oh and because your party will call him a fag if he pulls one soldier out. Criticize that line of thought if you want to, but can we not invent an alternate reality where Bruce Wayne's parents lived, Hitler was killed in WWI, and Obama invaded Afghanistan? No? I'm going to have to hear this bullshit a lot from your side, right? I thought so. Carry on.

It begins...

God love RNC Chairman Michael Steele. He may be massively incompetent and unfit to run the RNC, but he is entertainingly dim. Only he could set the bar on crazy Elena Kagan statements mere hours after she was announced as Obama's pick for the Supreme Court. It was tucked away in a little statement after a jag on the "liberal agenda" she supports. See if you can point it out.

Given Kagan's opposition to allowing military recruiters access to her law school's campus, her endorsement of the liberal agenda and her support for statements suggesting that the Constitution "as originally drafted and conceived, was 'defective,'" you can expect Senate Republicans to respectfully raise serious and tough questions to ensure the American people can thoroughly and thoughtfully examine Kagan's qualifications and legal philosophy before she is confirmed to a lifetime appointment.

It's right there at the end: her support for statements suggesting that the Constitution "as originally drafted and conceived, was 'defective,'". Why that look innocuous enough, you might be saying. He's just taking the same "liberals hate the Constitution" track that every Republican takes after a hard day of working to undermine the Constitution.

But you have to look a little deeper into Kagan's statement to get the full breadth and depth of Steele's stupidity. Oh yes, she did agree with and describe the Constitution as "defective", but she and the man she was agreeing with, Thurgood Marshall, might just have had a point.

Just one problem -- Kagan was writing about comments made by Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall. And Marshall was referring to slavery.
...
Marshall's speech gave particular note to the constitution's original definition of a slave as counting for only three-fifths of a person. Kagan wrote in her piece that "it was the role of the courts, in interpreting the Constitution, to protect the people who went unprotected by every other organ of government."

That's right, they were criticizing the part of the Constitution that legalizes slavery and treats blacks as three-fifths of a person. Now I know we have to pretend that the Constitution is an unflawed document handed down from God to Jesus On The Cross, who proceeded to sign his name all big like at the bottom with a blood soaked nail. But can we maybe agree that the parts that enshrined slavery and an entire race as second class citizens/fractional people were... I don't know... bad? Everyone doesn't have to do it. Maybe just people like, say, the black chairman of the RNC. No?

Still want to stick to that criticism of Kagan, Mike? Yes? Don't want to admit you didn't read anything she said before firing off a press release accusing her of not giving slavery its due? No? OK, then. Keep up the good work.

Ballin'

As we are a massive blog empire with millions, nay billions, of committed readers (read: a few dozen of our friends... if that) we are likely to assume that our vast demographic variety (read: a bunch of white liberals in their twenties) also includes some Republicans.

Perhaps in a fit of pique or some race based vapors over Obama or health care, you might have decided to donate some money to the RNC to help retake the House, Senate, and overthrow the socialist network that has been built in this country in one short year. Why? Because it is marginally more entertaining than flushing that money down the toilet. Plus, it doesn't enrich the sewer people. Scofflaws and government teat suckers the lot of them.

But you might wonder what your donation to the RNC will get you. Well, the answer is "a hell of a good time for RNC Chairman Michael Steele".

The Daily Caller reports that “FEC filings suggest Steele travels in style”:

Once on the ground, FEC filings suggest, Steele travels in style. A February RNC trip to California, for example, included a $9,099 stop at the Beverly Hills Hotel, $6,596 dropped at the nearby Four Seasons, and $1,946.25 spent at Voyeur West Hollywood, a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless women dancers imitating lesbian sex.

Although Steele’s high-flying ways have angered GOP donors, RNC communications director Doug Heye explains, “It takes money to make money.”

Ballin'! Though as I would know Sean would know, no "nightclub" that has dancers lezzing it out in bondage gear has them "simulating" anything. Maybe the bondage thing was a metaphor to illustrate how they're using procedural tricks to tie up Congress and the lesbian thing was a thematic expression piece to illustrate the dangers of gay marriage and gays in the military. Or maybe it's just the only way Michael Steele can relax after a hard day of yelling "Armageddon!" on the TV.

My favorite part of the story is the $.25 part of the tab. It either suggests that the person signing it was too cheap to bump the tip up an additional $.75 (it would just encourage the lesbian stripper's poor life choices and wouldn't empower them to find better work) or Steele was there with a bank roll of quarters, tossing them up on the stage and asking for fifty cent lap dances. Possibly nickel lap dances.

Takes money to make money. And trips to bondage clubs, it also takes trips to bondage clubs to make money. Just imagine the cash they'll rake in for next month's Palin/Bachmann duo show at the Spearmint Rhino in Vegas. $100 buck cover, three drink minimum, and no touching.

The end times

We here at TB Industries are avid Armageddon watchers. We like to look at any situation and extrapolate how it might end society and civilization as we know it. Be it giant space meteors, global warming, complete economic collapse, hadron/hardon colliders opening black holes on the French border, nuclear devastation, plagues, angry God/Gods on smiting sprees, or our dream... zombies, we are eager to see the world end. Mostly because we feel we'll survive and come to rule the wasteland that comes after. We're optimists.

But we also like to sarcastically joke about the Republican party and their dire predictions for things that will happen if Democratic legislation passes. Things like the systematic murder of the elderly because of health care. I guess when Barry puts pen to paper later today on that health care bill, he'll just be heralding some new round of horrible plagues. Maybe even the end times. No, seriously.



Yes, actual Armageddon.... because people will get better access to cheaper health care. I think you can all see the nightmare scenario that will bring about. But God bless the incredulous Shep Smith, who must be building up to another outburst any day now, for pushing through and getting Steele to claim that they want to get to a more civil place in politics... right after he declared the end of the world because of the health care bill and right before he plugged a site where you can go view a flame engulfed Nancy Pelosi and donate $16,000 to throw the bitch out of the Speaker's seat.

So on a scale of Armageddon we're going to have to rate health care as a weak 1, despite Steele's claims that it's a definite 10. There is a chance that the health care is so good that it will create functional immortals and overpopulation will occur, but that's a long shot. Plus immortality is the complete opposite of zombification, which is a major negative of the horror scale for an apocalyptic event. Steele thinks we're all going to die, we just wish we could believe him.

Shut up and give

What exactly is the plan for the GOP's return to power. Sure, sure: oppose everything, pull down government on top of themselves, chastise Democrats for failing to fix the problems it took them eight years to create in two... with a straight face. We all know that's the general outline and have seen it played out over the past year. But what's their actual point-A-to-Z plan to get back into power?

Well, according to RNC documents obtained by Politico, it's pretty much the plan I listed above... only with a healthy dose of seething contempt, disdain, and openly hostile scorn for the intelligence of their voters and donors, large sections of the American public, and their own lawmakers. Mostly the donors though.

The Republican National Committee plans to raise money this election cycle through an aggressive campaign capitalizing on “fear” of President Barack Obama and a promise to "save the country from trending toward socialism."

The strategy was detailed in a confidential party fundraising presentation, obtained by POLITICO, which also outlines how “ego-driven” wealthy donors can be tapped with offers of access and “tchochkes.
...
Manipulating donors with crude caricatures and playing on their fears is hardly unique to Republicans or to the RNC – Democrats raised millions off George W. Bush in similar terms – but rarely is it practiced in such cartoonish terms.

One page, headed “The Evil Empire,” pictures Obama as the Joker from Batman, while House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leaders Harry Reid are depicted as Cruella DeVille and Scooby Doo, respectively.

Ouch. Barry and Pelosi get two of the most iconic villains in American popular culture and Harry Reid is only characterized as a hungry, yet cowardly, talking cartoon dog who the Speaker may or may not turn into a magnificent coat? ....Yeah, that seems about right.

There's even a section in their presentation entitled "Visceral Giving" in which the motivation of low level GOP donors is listed as "fear" and their mood "reactionary". Big ticket donors are treated with more respect as their desires are only listed as "access" and their concerns "ego-driven" and susceptible to "peer to peer pressure". On the other hand the RNC does want to "Put the Fun Back in FUNdraising".

So just in case you were wondering, no, the Republican Party doesn't have any sort of specialized disdain for you personally or some vendetta against the country and its institutions. They just feel that way about everybody and everything. You're just lucky you haven't given money to them, because the RNC really seems to have a negative opinion about those people.

And why shouldn't Michael Steele have a healthy amount of distrust and dislike of these donors? These are, after all, people who willingly gave money to the RNC. He's justified.

Quote of the day

If you actually needed another example of how Democrats are just completely tin eared and awful, today our favorite collection of spineless lickspittles decided that they weren't even sure they were for rescinding the Bush tax cuts on rich people. You know the ones: they exploded the budget deficit and almost uniformly benefited the top 5% of this country? Yeah, well it seems that Democrats can't even decide whether rescinding the tax cuts on people that make over $250,000 a year in order to slash the deficit by close to a trillion dollars and do something that is incredibly popular, is a good idea or not.

But aside from the political or economic reasons, there's one really important reason not to rescind the tax cuts as articulated by Rep. Mike McMahon (D, NY-13):

“I think it is a political liability because it’s a [bad] policy right now for the economy and could have a bad impact on jobs,” said McMahon…“A working couple making $250,000 is barely making ends meet,” he said.

Ah yes, poor little rich. My heart goes out to the top 2% of earners in this country who are making a minimum of five times that national median income. How will they muddle through if their tax rates are restored to the levels that existed during the greatest economic expansion in our nation's history?

I'm with him. During these trying economic conditions can't we just, for once in this nation's history, look out for rich people instead of everyone else? Think of the children. As Michael Steele told us, "a million dollars is not a lot of money". So just imagine how little $250,000 is. For the sake of our economic and social betters, don't do this.

Suggestions and advice

Wheelchair-Bound Woman Shouted Down At New Jersey Health Care Town Hall

A new low for these meetings may have been set when the crowd shouted down a wheelchair-bound woman with "two incurable auto-immune diseases" who had the gall to ask a question.

Steele Dismisses Woman Whose Mother Died Of Cancer

Duzak stood up and interrupted Steele, arguing that “everyone in this country should have access to good health care” and cited the case of her own mother who died of cancer six months ago because she couldn’t afford her prescription chemotherapy medications. The audience applauded her.

Steele responded by chastising Duzak and accusing her of pulling antics to get on TV. “So people go out to town halls, they go to the community, and they’re like this. (SHAKES ARMS) It makes for great TV. You’ll probably make it tonight. Enjoy it.”

GOP congresswoman tells uninsured constituent to ‘be a grown up’ and get insurance

At a recent town hall meeting, a 27-year old uninsured waitress named Elizabeth Smith asked Rep. Lynn Jenkins (R-KS) why as a working mother she can’t “get an affordable option” for health care. According to the AP, Smith’s 2-1/2-year-old son “hasn’t been to a doctor in 21 months, except for emergency room visits for ear infections, because she can’t afford either insurance or a doctor’s visit.” When Smith asked her question, Jenkins criticized creating “a government-run program” and said that she advocated tax credits so people like Smith could “go be a grown-up and go buy the insurance“

You know I'm no great fan of the GOP and the Teabaggers, but let me just offer one word of advice: if you wish for people to see you as anything other than big business stooges working against the interests of the American people and spreading lunatic fringe conspiracy theories in an effort to support your corporate masters, it's probably best to actually pretend to have some minor level of concern for the sick people and poor people who actually have real concerns about health care costs and accessibility. I know you really don't care, but pretend...for the children.

Though what do I know, maybe mocking cancer patients and wheelchair bound women is a brilliant strategy. I do know disrespecting the poor and working class has worked wonders. Still do it for my sake. If you aren't out there laughing at cancer patients it makes me seem less like I'm arguing again cartoonish caricatures of 1920's black mustached, caped, 'tying a woman to the train tracks' villains and more like I'm actually arguing against people with legitimate ideas. I know it isn't true, but let me have that illusion. So I can pretend this is still a functioning, rational country.

Obama in the process of preparing to roll up his sleeves

If you've been watching the health care debate you've certainly had some question. Namely "I'm fucking relying on a bunch of ignorant elected money whores deigning to give be the option of getting health care coverage like theirs?" and "Why in the name of the Baby Jesus is Obama letting the dipshits in the Senate lead the way here?" which is usually followed by you slamming your head off of something hard and uttering some form of the phrase "We're all doomed to die of the plague in the gutters." Well Obama has heard the sound of skull meat connecting with various forms of lumber and decided that maybe he should, I don't know, do something.

With skepticism about the president's health-care reform effort mounting on Capitol Hill -- even within his own party -- the White House has launched a new phase of its strategy designed to dramatically increase public pressure on Congress: all Obama, all the time.

Senior White House aides promise "an aggressive public and private schedule" for Obama as he presses his case for reform, including a prime-time news conference on Wednesday, a trip to Cleveland, and heavy use of Internet video to broadcast his message beyond the reach of the traditional media.

"Our strategy has been to allow this process to advance to the point where it made sense for the president to take the baton. Now's that time," said senior adviser David Axelrod.

First off: going to Cleveland? You want to know the only thing that you can convince people to support by going to Cleveland? Burning down Cleveland. Secondly: now is the best time for the President to take the baton? Wouldn't it have been better for Barry to take the baton before a dozen terrible senators got done diddling health care in the backseat of a Camaro and before the collection of idiots that fancy themselves centrists tried to put the breaks on everything? Before his health care numbers got driven below 50%?

Still he's going to meet some rough opposition. The GOP is deploying it's secret weapon:...Michael Steele? Really? That's the guy they want out opposing Obama? The same stupid one who runs the RNC? True to his incompetent form, Steele was out today describing Congressional Democrats and Obama as forming a dishonest 'cabal' that would deny people coverage and ration care. Ahh leave it to Steele to choose the exact words and descriptions that describe the practices of the health care industry. Next he'll accuse Democrats of being made up of rich, old, white southerners. But despite withering critiques from a moron, Obama is going to wear out some shoe leather convincing people that this private plan, health care thing is a good idea. He's voluntarily going to Cleveland, how much more serious and self-sacrificing can the man get on the issue?

Wait.....they chose...adult behavior?

In a rare flash of adult behavior, the RNC decided to vote down the eminently childish plan to rebrand the Democrats the Democrat-Socialist Party and rebrand the GOP as the He-Man Handsome Jesus Par-tay. Was it a full moon? Did someone show them a graph charting their Congressional losses with projections for 2010? Did the Holy Spirit jump into Michael Steele and tell the assembled masses not to vote for it during a fit of speaking in tongues? Tell me, I must know.

The Republican National Committee backed away Wednesday from a resolution that officially called Democrats the “Democrat Socialist Party,” but instead voted to condemn Democrats for what it called a “march toward socialism.”

The voice-vote came after an unusual special meeting of the party that underlined fractures among Republicans on how to deal with President Obama and the Democratic Party. The original resolution was backed by some of the party’s more conservative members but was opposed by the party chairman, Michael Steele, as well as other Republican leaders. The opponents said the proposal to impose a new name on the Democrats made the Republican party appear trite and overly partisan, and would prove politically embarrassing.

Oh, they rigged it. That would have been a tense vote count had they decided to really vote on it. Michael Steele counting ballots, flop sweat on his brow, finally ending with a disgusted slam of the last ballot to the ground and a plaintative cry of "...you dumb bastards." Instead they just had Steele gesticulate his arms up and down while acting as an applause meter while Hayley Barbour yelled out "Let's make some noise for sanity! I can't heaaaaaaaar yooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!" and pretended the guys starting in disbelief at what their party had become were louder than the guys in the Nobama hats and Hannity shirts.

Gotta say, I did not think Steele was this smart. I might have underestimated the intell...oh Christ, Steele just claimed "liberalism will kill you". I take it back. Accidental smartness. Fluke. Won't happen again.

Quote of the day

Finally a Republican has made a non-Jesus based argument against same-sex marriage. Turns out it's still a bad idea because it makes the baby Jesus cry, but gay marriage is also a bad idea because it secretly enables gay couples to bankrupt the American business community. Teh gayz will steals all the moneyz!!

In a breakfast speech to delegates of the Georgia Republican convention, Steele put himself in the shoes of a small business owner having to pay for health care and life insurance for a same-sex couple.

“Now all of a sudden I’ve got someone who wasn’t a spouse before, that I had no responsibility for, who is now getting claimed as a spouse that I now have financial responsibility for,” Steele said. “So how do I pay for that? Who pays for that? You just cost me money.”

Makes sense to me. Of course there are those pesky studies that show things like gay marriage being able to pump something like $700 million into local businesses and $75 million into the state for licensing fees just in California alone, but I'll take Steele's word for it. The gays are gonna destroy small business.

Great idea

What do you do if you're a once great party that is now in the throes of almost total irrelevancy, historic unpopularity, is the punchline to any number of "funny in the tragic sense" jokes, and your prospects for maintaining the meager power you do have looking dimmer as the full crushing weight of your reign of stupidity hammers down on the American people? You start spinning your wheels with fruitless, empty gestures meant to speak to no one but your craziest fringe, further alienating yourselves from the American public. I mean that's the obvious plan, right?

A member of the Republican National Committee told me Tuesday that when the RNC meets in an extraordinary special session next week, it will approve a resolution rebranding Democrats as the “Democrat Socialist Party.”

When I asked if such a resolution would force RNC Chairman Michael Steele to use that label when talking about Democrats in all his speeches and press releases, the RNC member replied: “Who cares?”

Let it be said that the GOP is truly the party of ideas, that the RNC under Michael Steele's tenure is bringing worthwhile discussion to important debates, and the GOP is no way a complete and utter embarrassment/sideshow.

The party of freedom and states' rights

We understand why Michael Steele needs to beat Limbaugh to the punch in offering halfwit soundbytes in reaction to Maine's legalization of gay marriage. When the majority of your dwindling base -- 80% according to a recent Washington Post-ABC News poll -- remains vehemently opposed to same-sex unions, you have to pat them on their tiny heads and reassure them that the moral majority will never waver.

To that end, I offer two points, both conveniently written and pre-packaged by, of all things, the Republican Party.

1) An explanation of party ideals from the Chairmen’s Preamble to the 2008 Republican Platform:

An optimistic patriotism, driven by a passion for freedom. Devotion to the inherent dignity and rights of every person.

2) An excerpt from the "Government Reform" portion of the platform, entitled Empowering the States, Improving Public Services:

The long term solution for many of Washington’s problems is structural. Congress must respect the limits imposed upon it by the Tenth Amendment: “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.”

Why did I ask you to read that? Because it makes this funny:

“Our party platform articulates our opposition to gay marriage and civil unions, positions shared by many Americans. I believe that marriage should be between one man and one woman and strongly disagree with Maine’s decision to legalize gay marriage.”

Personal freedom. Dignity of every person. States' rights. Unless you're a fag.

And the best part? This puts him in direct opposition to Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins, both moderate Republican senators who, not unlike Benedict Arlen, are tired of watching their party bus be driven by demagoguery. I wonder how many more senators Steele has to force to the other side of the aisle before his handlers bury his career right next to that of Rick Santorum.

It is just me, or was Token better off when he was begging forgiveness from Big Daddy Rush?

Whither the hip-hop GOP?

It's bee a good run for Michael Steele as head of the RNC. He promised a hip-hop GOP, handed out "slum love" to Bobby Jindal, spent fifteen whole minutes opposed to Rush Limbaugh before begging for forgiveness, seemingly shorted campaign committees money, can't decide if he's for or against the stimulus, been criticized by practically every member of his party, and seemingly has no clue how to run a national committee. Somehow this hasn't seemed to inspire confidence in him among his peers and defeated enemies.

Republican insiders tell Political Wire that a no confidence vote on RNC Chairman Michael Steele is likely to be called after the NY-20 special election on March 31 -- regardless of whether Republicans win the seat or not.

Katon Dawson, who came in second in the January RNC vote, is said to be quietly organizing a vote and is getting the support of several state party chairmen who want to dump Steele.

Who is the guy planning to unseat the first black head of the Republican Party and perhaps it's only black member? A guy from South Carolina who belongs to a whites only country club. They can't even attempt to triage their initial foot shooting without shooting the other foot. God loves us all so much that he might arrange this sideshow for public viewing.

I think they ought to give Steele a chance. I mean it's not like after rumors of and uprising against him went public he decided to go out and declare he was pro-choice, right? He did? Then he immediately remembered what party he was in and walked it back, making him seem deeply confused and nonsensical? Oh yeah, keep him around. The man makes Harry Reid look like Alexander the Great.

Broken News: Gingrich inconsolable over Steele/Limbaugh flirtation

MCLEAN, VIRGINIA--Former House Majority Leader, Minority Whip, and hypocritical adulterer New Gingrich is apparently distraught over the conspicuous flirtation between RNC Chairman Michael Steele and corpulent conservative talk radio shitslinger Rush Limbaugh.

Aides close to Gingrich disclosed that he has not left the study of his north Virginia mansion since the publicly amorous tête-à-tête between Steele and Limbaugh began Saturday. The Republican icon of reform and author of 1994's quickly violated "Contract with America" is reportedly holed up with season 3-6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a ball gag, and an allegedly limitless supply of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk Ice Cream which he will massage into his body.

"Mr. Gingrich is genuinely hurt." Explained friend and longtime advisor, Kyle Applebottom. "For the longest time now, it's been the 'Newt and Rush Show.' They killed nationalized health care together, ended 40 years of Democratic congressional dominance together, demonized a philandering president together while having their own affairs together... wait, that didn't come out right."

The trouble in GOParadise began this past Saturday when Steele asserted that he, not Limbaugh, was the de facto leader of the Republican Party. Steele then went on to call Limbaugh a "Big, bad meanie who smells like cigar smoke and scotch anytime after 7 PM."

Limbaugh was quick to respond on his nationally syndicated program Monday, calling Steele a "Slack-jawed little priss that needs to learn who butters his fluffy, oven-baked, scrumptious country-style biscuits."

Sources close to Gingrich suggest that this might have been the end of it, had Steele not phoned Limbaugh later in the day to personally apologize, saying, "Sometimes I just, I just get so intense. I've got all this pressure on me and sometimes, Rush, your passion frightens me."

It was apparently this very exchange, a spirited early indicator of Republican mating intent not unlike two dogs sniffing each other's asses, that sent Gingrich into seclusion in the east wing.

"He's threatened," sighed Applebottom. "As much as Mr. Gingrich has accomplished -- and he has accomplished a great deal, more than anyone ever might have thought possible -- he still feels insecure about competing with this upstart for Mr. Limbaugh's affections."

Applebottom continued, "How would you take it if one of your oldest brothers-in-arms started trading barbs with some neophyte, um, one of those? That Steele and his tacky 'bling-bling' and 'off the hook' and 'hippity hoppiness.' It just isn't fair! Plus Newtie is really worried about that whole 'Once you go black..' stereotype. He'd ask if it's true, but Steele is the only black guy in the party that anyone could ask. That and no one in the party has had any meaningful contact with a black person outside the party since Strom Thurmond abandoned his mulatto love child."

Some of Gingrich's inner circle have noted that the main thing frustrating Newt is that he was finally set to make his move to secure their union at last week's CPAC conference when this flirtation session broke out.

"He was ready to show Mr. Limbaugh who the real boss of the Republican party was: Rush," stated one adviser on condition of anonymity. "He had bought a rape stand at Michael Vick's estate sale and had been preparing to offer his pasty flesh up to Rush in a horrible sexual tribute, not unlike a female elephant offers herself up to a bull elephant, the beloved symbol of our party. Then after copulation, Newt figured they would lay on some hay in the barn and think of things to name after Reagan, come up with some really petulant stunts for Mitch McConnell to pull in the Senate, and then Twitter conspiracy theories about President Obama's parentage. It would have been the new dawn of Republican leadership."

"Now," the anonymous advisor sighed. "It looks like that dream will die."

Sources close to the former speaker say he has decided to focus his energies on one last-ditch effort at a Niagara Falls rendezvous for leadership meetings, strategy sessions, and sensual massages with scented oils.

As for Mr. Steele, he is expected to make an appearance on Mr. Limbaugh's nationally broadcast radio show to further debase himself and prove to the leader of the Republican party that he is willing and able to submit to the overbearing, strong will of the pill-addled divorcee simply known to his conquests as 'El Rushbo'. If all goes well, Mr. Steele hopes to be taking orders from Rush full-time by early April.

Don't fuck with the boss

This running the RNC thing is going to Michael Steele's head. You see when he saw the recent spate of comments from Rush Limbaugh about hoping the economic recovery failed and attempts by some conservatives and glee filled Democrats to paint El Rushbo as the head of the Republican party, he decided that maybe it wasn't in the best interests of said Republican party, electorally, to have Rush at the forefront of the party.

He called Rush an 'entertainer' whose comments were 'incendiary' and 'ugly'. Rush didn't really like that, telling Steele that he only ran the RNC, not the Republican party, and that if Mike hadn't already gotten a shinebox, he should go order one and then kindly fuck himself with it. After careful consideration, Steele hemmed, hawed, broke out into a flop sweat and kindly announced that it was perfectly alright with fucking himself and that he hoped Rush would bathe him in the bright warm light of conservatism again, never averting his warm gaze from his humble servant.

“My intent was not to go after Rush – I have enormous respect for Rush Limbaugh,” Steele said in a telephone interview. “I was maybe a little bit inarticulate. … There was no attempt on my part to diminish his voice or his leadership.”

“I went back at that tape and I realized words that I said weren’t what I was thinking,” Steele said. “It was one of those things where I thinking I was saying one thing, and it came out differently. What I was trying to say was a lot of people … want to make Rush the scapegoat, the bogeyman, and he’s not.”

Artfully and spinelessly walked back, Mike, you'll go far. This makes him the third conservative in recent weeks, following Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC) and Rep. Phil Gingrey (R-GA), who have had to walk back their temporary bursts of sanity in order to bend over and grab their ankles for Rush and beg him to go easy on them. I can't offer my hearty thanks enough Rush. I thought that there might be a moment where the Republican party might have learned something following two huge beatings. Turns out they didn't and you're stamping out any attempts people try at learning, favoring more rigid orthodoxy to whatever it is you believe in this week and going after people who think good ideas and policy is a way back to power. Nopers! Petulance and conspiracy theories are clearly the way back, Rush. Thanks for showing GOP'ers the way. Thanks for leading. Thanks for another couple of terms of Democrats. Thanks for more socialism, we appreciate it. Keep it up.