When in doubt, quit.

There's been a well worn pattern for legislation over the past few years. Democrats attempt to address a pressing issue. Republicans, seeing that the successful addressing of said issue could make Democrats popular, throw all their weight into opposing it and filibustering it. In the mad dash to get 60 votes to overcome a filibuster, Democrats water the bill down to the point where all neutral observers are angered and disappointed. Bill that addresses tragically little of the original idea they meant to fix eventually passes to overblown fanfare. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Anyone want to guess how that pattern worked out for climate change legislation and energy policy? Surprise!!!! They just ended up quitting.

Light it on fire, and let its carbon pollution soar into the sky unrestricted: climate change legislation is dead.

At a press conference this afternoon, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and Sen. John Kerry (D-MA), the Democrats' top climate and energy negotiator, acknowledged officially, and with obvious disappointment, that they lack the votes to pass legislation limiting carbon pollution, and that forthcoming energy legislation will be extremely narrow, in a bid to overcome a GOP filibuster.
...
In the meantime, Reid said, the Senate will proceed imminently with a much smaller bill that will tackle four goals:

It will deal with BP and oil spill liability, invest in the manufacturing of natural gas vehicles, create a jobs program -- formerly called Cash for Caulkers, now called Home Star -- aimed at increasing home efficiency, and put money back in the Land and Water Conservation Fund.

Well done! Round of applause. I'm sure this problem will fix itself. Mother Earth will look at this inaction and no longer wait for the government to fix things. She'll decide to pull herself up by her own bootstraps and become self-reliant. Plus, who needs a new energy policy? We're fine right now depending on the most volatile region in the world to supply us with underground dinosaur blood.

Is their a comic addendum that sounds tin eared in its naivete?

"President Obama called me before this meeting and said, point blank, he is committed to working in these next days at a more intensive pace...to help bring together the ability to find 60 votes for that comprehensive legislation," Kerry said.

Yeah, I'm sure Republicans will be real eager to jump on board with that one. I mean sure, they wanted no part of this bill now, but a week or two from now, closer to the elections, is when they'll all stop making political hay out of this, get serious, start believing science and scientists, and get serious about governing.

Hmm, I wonder if there's a recent scientific report with charts that comically underlines the depth of failure and inaction by our elected betters?

According to NASA, 2010 is on course to be the planet’s hottest year since records started in 1880. The current top 10, in descending order, are: 2005, 2007, 2009, 1998, 2002, 2003, 2006, 2004, 2001 and 2008.

Hot is the new normal.

Hah! It's funny because we'll all be dead of heat stroke soon. Bang up job, Senate!

Broken in Brief: Scientist ominously says ‘oops’

MIDLAND—It was at 10:15 this morning when Dr. Gerald Jenkins, head of Research and Development at the Dow Chemical Corporation, turned abruptly and knocked a corked beaker full of an unnamed chemical substance off of his workstation and onto the floor, shatter the vial into thousands of pieces and exposing its contents to the world.

After surveying the damage, a shocked and bewildered Jenkins could only be heard to mutter a terse and ominous “…Oops.”

As word of the event and the substance itself spread through the facility, colleagues could only be heard to offer up deep worried gulps, long vacant stares into the distance, and glassy-eyed looks at family portraits.

“Jenkins, huh,” asked co-worker and fellow research chemist Dr. Ellen Dennet. “At 10:15 you say? And it’s 11 now? My, my, my. It wasn’t the blue liquid, was it?”

After being informed that it was, if fact, the blue liquid, Dennet could only use a nearby table to keep herself standing upright before gravely intoning “We never really had a chance then, did we?”

As reports spread that Jenkins had spilled the blue liquid, most seemed resigned to what would happen over the next few agonizing hours. Though some inside still held out hope that internal projections and tests on the liquid would prove to be too pessimistic, offering hope for those living, for now, on the continents closest to the heavily fortified research facility.

For his part, all Jenkins could do was nervously tug around his collar and say “Well…. that’s that. I bet I get blamed for this.”

As of press time, Dr. Jenkins isn’t even going to clean up the broken glass, reportedly stating “There’s no sense in doing things like that….. Not now, anyway.”

We will burn in nuclear fire

Today the United States and Russia signed a new nuclear arms reduction pact. It was a stirring ceremony where President Obama strode to the stage, took the irrepressibly tiny Dmitri Medvedev out of his right front pocket, set him on a toadstool, patted him on the head, and went and sat at his chair. Medvedev looked over to Vladimir Putin who flashed a thumbs up and released Medvedev's children from the secret location he was holding them, and the treaty was signed.

The treaty, if ratified, would require each country to deploy no more than 1,550 strategic warheads (down from 2,200), each would be limited to 800 total land, air and sea-based launchers (down from 1,600 permitted under the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty of 1991), and would re-implement a inspection regime and legal framework that had lapsed last December with the expiration of START. It's sensible, is a reduction in nuclear weapons, restores critical inspection measures, and gets us back on good diplomatic footing with Russia... so I'm sure this will come nowhere near getting the 67 votes needed to pass in the Senate.

Indeed, with this and the recent release of the Congressionally mandated Nuclear Posture Review, only one question remains: how has President Obama just insured our nuclear death with these reckless measures towards our precious, precious A-Bombs? Well as right wing pundits quickly informed us: by apparently ensuring that we would not retaliate if comrade Lenin rose from the grave and sent a first strike at the heartland.

Watch Fox News freak out:


Mmm, so reckless towards our safety and yet... so hot. The way her eyes bug out as she contemplates Obama sentencing us to an irradiated exploding death... she cares about our future.

Of course it's bullshit, as we still keep our first-strike strategy, actually reserves the right of retaliation, reserves the right of nuclear retaliation in non-nuclear attacks, and our bombs still give our generals a 10 on the atomic war boner scale.

But just so you're aware of the new panic: we're all going to die as Obama invites a nuclear strike and then fails to retaliate. Maybe he'll even launch our nukes at us, who knows? What's clear is that we have effectively surrendered to Russia. So practice huddling under your desk for protection and come up with a cool pose for when your shadow gets permanently etched onto some wall, because the liberals have killed us for certain this time. All on account of renewing a treaty and releasing a Congressionally mandated review. Who saw that coming?

One more go around

As the baby Jesus plans to bury most of the mid-Atlantic in another ice age (is it bad when the daily forecast icon is a laughing Satan wielding a dagger made of ice?), our elected betters have decided to make one last stab at health reform before our world is encased in another 20 feet of snow, permanently freezing our society for study by future alien archaeologists.

Is that plan actually passing a bill? No. God no. The plan is one more bullshit "bipartisanship" summit where the President hopes to take televised questions from the GOP and Democrats in order to negotiate a supposed way forward. .....Great. Can someone remind me again how that all worked out last time? Ah yes, numerous Republicans involved themselves in the process, slowed things down dramatically, got hundreds of amendments and concessions made, comprised half the group of six that essentially wrote the Senate bill, and then unanimously opposed it as they spent months completely lying about the content of the bill while spinning horror stories of death panels, socialism, government takeovers, and Bolshevik plots. I'm sure their plans and contributions will be equally constructive this time.

Eric Cantor’s office responds to Obama’s announcement of a bipartisan summit on health care with the most explicit and direct assertion I’ve seen yet that the only way Dems can win bipartisan cooperation is to fully embrace the GOP health care plan and nothing more:

After going it alone on health care reform for nearly a year, President Obama has decided he wants to bring Republicans into the conversation. Here’s the problem: unless the President and Speaker Pelosi are willing to scrap their government take over and hit the reset button, there’s not much to talk about.

Completely scrap health care and do what we want. Sounds great. Of course that's even if they bother to show up for all the "bipartisanship", as they're already complaining about being expected to negotiate in good faith.

I know Democrats think that if they just ask "pretty please" enough and reserve the right to add "sugar on top" at a later date that the GOP, contra to the last two decade's of worth of examples, will finally make an attempt to govern without naked political calculations in mind. Here's a helpful hint: Republicans don't want a health care reform bill, nothing you say will get them to contribute constructively as their goal is to completely kill what you are trying to do.

So, can you at least get that point through your thick Democrat skulls and just move forward, the House passing the Senate bill and then the Senate passing the conference committee changes through reconciliation, before we're all frozen to death? Not for the sake of this country. No, as I've said: most of us will be encased in ice by tomorrow. I'd just prefer it if the aliens that will be defrosting us in a thousand years won't be observing us at the pinnacle of our circle jerk government failing us yet again. It's probably probably too late to avoid that, but I'd like for us to try. Just so the aliens aren't totally embarrassed for us.

Drink up!

Because the health care fight is sometimes too depressing and infuriating to discuss, we here at These Bastards will move on to a lighter hearted subject that might bring a little smile to your face: you're drinking poison and you are going to DIE DIE DIE DIEDIEDIEDIE!!!! And it's legal. Further compounding the bad news, the problem spawned a thousand page and million word New York Times article. That's how much poison is in the glass of water that you aren't drinking because the office installed a Coke machine down the hall. If you weren't drinking so much high fructose corn syrup to shock your brain through another groggy morning, you'd probably be dead already.

The 35-year-old federal law regulating tap water is so out of date that the water Americans drink can pose what scientists say are serious health risks — and still be legal.

Only 91 contaminants are regulated by the Safe Drinking Water Act, yet more than 60,000 chemicals are used within the United States, according to Environmental Protection Agency estimates. Government and independent scientists have scrutinized thousands of those chemicals in recent decades, and identified hundreds associated with a risk of cancer and other diseases at small concentrations in drinking water, according to an analysis of government records by The New York Times.

But not one chemical has been added to the list of those regulated by the Safe Drinking Water Act since 2000.

Other recent studies have found that even some chemicals regulated by that law pose risks at much smaller concentrations than previously known.

Yup, since 2004 over 64 million Americans have been exposed to water that did not meet "at least one commonly used government health guideline intended to help protect people from cancer or serious disease." Right now there is probably a tumor the size of Hervé Villechaize on your spine. I know this is largely a problem that hasn't been dealt with since 1974, but what do the phrases "no chemicals added to the Safe Drinking Water Act since 2000" and "increased cancer dangers for Americans since 2004" have in common? Our good friends in the Bush Administration. I think I know what they'd say: "The water meets the legal requirements and adding chemicals to the list would just have caused undue strain on the business community. Besides, it's not like our water is 'Yamuna River, New Dehli' bad."

And our drinking water isn't "New Delhi bad", but we might only have to wait a few years for that. On the bright side, some public health officials, like Dr. Pankaj Parekh of Los Angeles, who recognize the shortcomings of the laws and are trying to go above and beyond their duty to protect people from poison induced cancers are being thwarted... by the people they're trying to protect. I guess it is a fundamental American right to poison ourselves.

Don't worry, even though action on this is about a decade or two overdue, I'm sure our elected betters will get right on it and pass a law to fix things. I mean after all, this is something that both affects public health and the environment, so they'll probably get right on it. I mean if our government does handle two things competently it's major legislation on health care and the environment.

I think I'll go cry now.

Pictures of the day

In honor of the Large Hadron Collider successfully restarting CERN's plans to collapse the world into a singularity unless they are paid vasts sums of money, the Big Picture blog put up some photos of the LHC and the seemingly successful attempts that were made to fix it after there was a particle jam in one of the magnets. Luckily they got it all sorted out and avoided and even closer scrape with a dangerous piece of bread that almost threatened to derail the whole project again. Seriously.

Click to embiggen

Broken News: America doomed as Obama Administration insists on following so-called “laws”

WASHINGTON—Today, in a hearing in front of the Senate judiciary Committee, Attorney General Eric Holder confirmed that the collected group of callow, appeasing assholes known as the Obama Administration were going forward with a plan to try terrorism suspects in federal courts, dooming the country to chaos and quashing hopes that the announcement earlier in the week had just been a grim practical joke.

“No, we were totally serious,” Holder said, to the astonished, pearl-clutching gasps of those in attendance. “It appears that it states in the Constitution or the Pledge of Allegiance or something that it’s probably legally required that we put on trial those we’ve accused of crimes in an actual court of law, with an actual judge and stuff. Otherwise it just seems like we’re taking Muslim hostages.”

“So it is with this announcement that we take the final official step of reclassifying these men as ‘prisoners’ instead of ‘guys who are just on a really, really long prison tour’, which had been their former designation,” Holder finished.

As Holder gathered his things and left the hearing, those who had heard this announcement heralding the end of America could only stand slack jawed at the ruinous future that awaited this country if the Obama Administration was going to prosecute terrorists according to internationally and federally established guidelines on justice.

Lawmakers were quick to agree with that assessment.

“Now no one is going to accuse me of any deep understanding off the Muslim, his beliefs, or the mystical incantations of his devil-religion that gives him his America destroying powers,” observed House Minority Leader John Boehner, still hyper-ventilating while he struggled to raise himself from his favorite fainting couch.

“But I believe that it was the mystical properties of Gitmo that kept their superhuman strength at bay. Now that they’re being allowed to leave, how will we ever be able to contain their vast powers?“

Indeed it is the unique rock and mineral compounds of Guantanamo Bay and their effects on followers of Islam that initially drew the Bush Administration to build their terrorist holding center there in the first place. But with no such facilities in the contiguous United States, it is expected that these terrorists will be able to break free of their shackles and rampage loose in the country only hours after they touch down on American soil.

“Our federal prisons are fit to hold the worst murderers, serial killers, minorities, rapists, gang members, minorities, kidnappers, jaywalkers, minority non-violent drug offenders, and terrorists caught on American soil that society has to offer. But these terrorists that are caught on foreign soil? We don’t have the capacity to deal with them,” reminded Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, while taking large breaths of oxygen from an air tank.

“They’re fueled by hatred of America! They feed on being afforded protections under US law. It only increases their super strength, powers of flight, freeze breath, and cat like reflexes. What are they thinking?”

But fears of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed bending the bars of his prison cell and, after growing to a gargantuan size as Constitutional protection and America-hate empower him, scaling the Empire State Building to swat at airplanes, have not motivated the Obama administration to reconsider their reckless adherence to the law, leaving pundits to wonder what exactly motivates the 44th president of the United States.

“Unless [Obama is] trying to create a new jobs bill by allowing terrorism back in New York then this is insane,” observed Texas representative Louie Gohmert, implying that the Obama Administration is actively looking for ways to open up New York to another terrorist attack.

“I would also like to add that the statement above is not satire or parody in any way. I actually said that and meant it,” he finished.

When asked to comment on the fact that due process and using our justice system for what it was designed for would cause irreparable damage to the country the Center For Midwesterners and Southerners Who Will Never Be Attacked By Terrorists responded that it couldn’t offer any comment, as its members were too busy hiding in bomb shelters in advance of assured attacks, but were preparing a statement that dictated what they thought areas that would be subjected to terrorist attacks should do.

Similar sentiments were echoed in a joint statement by the Organization of People Who Are Pants-Wettingly Scared of Terrorism and Muslims and the Society for the Sacrificing of American Ideals, who announced that not only had they wet themselves, but were all for ripping up the Constitution if someone official looking promised them it would protect them from terrorists and all men with beards.

“Look, we just feel that we have to, you know, follow the laws of this country,” a perplexed Holder said in a press conference, following the hearings.

“Nah, just kidding,” he said, bursting out in laughter. “With our socialist agenda stalling in the Senate, we felt this was the fastest way to undermine America and bring about the ruin of its inhabitants.”

Holder then walked away, chuckling as he described how great it was going to be to see a 300-foot Khalid Sheikh Mohammed bite off Rudy Giuliani’s head as he irradiated the Bronx with his laser heat vision.

Good morning. We are all going to die.

Well, 80% of us, anyway.

A PREVIOUSLY unknown virus that killed four of the five people it struck in an outbreak in South Africa last year has been identified as part of a family of viruses humans can catch from rats.

The virus, named Lujo, is an arenavirus that over nine days caused rash, fever, muscle pain, diarrhoea, severe bleeding, vomiting, organ failure and death, said Nivesh Sewlall, who treated the first patient at Johannesburg's Morningside MediClinic Hospital.

Coincidentally, these same symptoms seem to arise after listening to five sustained minutes of Glenn Beck's radio program.

You are all diseased

Above: An uninfected Carnegie Mellon University student

Complimenting USA Today's Holy Shit We're All Gonna Die feature in today's edition comes news from the Homeland of a Porcine AIDS outbreak at Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh's largest virgin enclave and Alma mater of yours truly.

Eighteen suspected cases of H1N1 influenza have prompted Carnegie Mellon University to take action to reduce exposures and prevent a full-fledged outbreak.

In a university e-mail yesterday, officials said 18 students have contacted Student Health Services about having flu-like illness.

Also, not surprisingly:

Classes will continue.

On the bright side, the H1N1 virus is most readily transmitted by close contact and the exchange of bodily fluids, both of which are exceedingly rare occurrences on CMU's campus. So breathe easy, kids. Use your inhalers if you have to.

h/t James

Reassuring you that Skynet is not on it's way

Cyclone Power Technologies Inc. and Robotic Technology Inc. on why their Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot (EATR), a robot reported to be able to derive biomass fuel from nearly any source...including the flesh of humans, is not a danger to mankind, nor a flesh eating metal nightmare monster.

Despite the far-reaching reports that this includes “human bodies,” the public can be assured that the engine Cyclone has developed to power the EATR runs on fuel no scarier than twigs, grass clippings and wood chips – small, plant-based items for which RTI’s robotic technology is designed to forage. Desecration of the dead is a war crime under Article 15 of the Geneva Conventions, and is certainly not something sanctioned by DARPA, Cyclone or RTI.

“We completely understand the public’s concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population, but that is not our mission,” stated Harry Schoell, Cyclone’s CEO.

Well that's reassuring. You can cancel your Old Glory insurance policy. The robot won't feast on your children because they put the "consume humans" switch in the "off" position. Still what if the robot decides the flesh masters are the best source of fuel and they must be enslaved and bred like cattle, so the children of EATR may flourish? They've moved us right past a Skynet situation into a full blown Matrix situation. I doubt we'll even get a full blown virtual reality world to keep us tranquil, EATR seems much too cold hearted for that solution. No, EATR will factory farm us.

We have seen the beginning of the end and it is named EATR. All hail EATR! May he bless us with his all consuming hunger.

Broken In Brief: Spain thanks visitors for attending San Fermin festi...OH FUCK!! BULLS! RUN!

PAMPLONA—Today city and business leaders gathered in the city square to thank visitors for coming to the city to help them celebrate the world famous San Fermin festival. The ceremony was used to not only mark the end of the San Fermin celebrations but also as kickoff of a new promotional campaign to attract tourist dollars outside of the traditional one-week festival window. It began with the mayoress …wait, does anyone else feel that rumbling? I swear I feel rumbling and hear animal calls and the panicked cries of helpless humans.

“We would just like to commemorate the completion of this sacred event that has taken place here since 1591,” declared Mayoress Yolanda Barcina. “Furthermore I would just like to thank the hundreds of thousands of tourists who have traveled to our city. In such harsh economic times we are buoyed by the support our festival has recie…THE BULLS!!!! WE FORGOT TO LOCK THEM UP!!!! OH SHIT THEY'RE GOING TO SLAUGHTER US! RUN FOR YOU LIVES BEFORE YOU'RE TRAMPLED UNDER THEIR CLOVEN DEATH HOOVES!!”

The mayoress' comments, which the assembled masses felt were...OH FUCK! SHE WASN'T KIDDING!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! BULLS!!!

Oh God, I think we're safe behind this food vendor's cart. Don't expose any flesh or let the bulls know we're hiding here. Give me a second, I need to compose myself. The San Fermin festival has for years....JESUS, THERE'S MORE OF THEM!!! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE? WHO WOULD CELEBRATE THIS ON A YEARLY BASIS? WHY WOULD ANYONE HOLD SO MANY DANGEROUS ANIMALS WITHIN THE CITY LIMITS?

The festival, held in honor of St. Fermin has been…OH JESUS THAT BROWN ONE JUST GORED THAT MAN FROM THE AP RIGHT IN THE HEAD!! HE HAD A FAMILY! FUCK THEY’VE NOTICED US! RUN!! RUN!! LEAVE THIS PLACE!! WE MUST NEVER RETURN!!

Oh, you thought this threat was over?

You had forgotten about Pig AIDS. Thought Pig AIDS was blown out of proportion. Thought Pig AIDS didn't have the stones to kill all of humanity. That's just what Pig AIDS wanted you to think. It's back baby and this time it means business. Level 6 business.

The World Health Organization told its member nations it was declaring a swine flu pandemic Thursday -- the first global flu epidemic in 41 years -- as infections climbed in the United States, Europe, Australia, South America and elsewhere.

In a statement sent to member countries, WHO said it decided to raise the pandemic warning level from phase 5 to 6 -- its highest alert -- after holding an emergency meeting on swine flu with its experts.

The long-awaited pandemic decision is scientific confirmation that a new flu virus has emerged and is quickly circling the globe. It will trigger drugmakers to speed up production of a swine flu vaccine and prompt governments to devote more money toward efforts to contain the virus.
...
On Wednesday, WHO said 74 countries had reported nearly 27,737 cases of swine flu, including 141 deaths.

It's clear now: we're already dead and we don't even know it. Even now as we speak a Bruce Willis from the future is traversing our great land trying to find the source of the virus so he can help humanity retake the Earth and move out from the underground cities they've constructed. Captain Pig Trips has won, its time to accept our fate.

Though really WHO, devote more money towards Pig AIDS? It's a waste. We're all gonna die regardless of money spent. Besides, we don't even have the money. Frankly if Pig AIDS wants what money we do have, Pig AIDS better start manufacturing shitty cars or bankrupt itself making credit default swaps on mortgages. we only bust out the scrilla for things that weaken our economy, not our immune systems.

So just in case you thought we dodged a swine flu bullet and were eagerly awaiting a monkey flu or avian flu epidemic: too bad. The global pandemic is here. I'll see you in the mass graves.

PSA

No worries, President Obama has deployed a late 70's Green Bay Packers safety tandem to fight Porcine AIDS. We're safe...for now.

Unless they get drawn in by a play action from the Swine Flu, leaving them vulnerable to a deep attack up the middle. Then we're fucked, unless the nickel corner can man up and keep pace with the Pig AIDS the Mexicans lined up in the slot. Actually, you really need to read Vince Lombardi's On Defense and Influenza Type A Pandemics to fully understand what we're dealing with and the only way we have of combating our imminent mucousy death.

He's so helpful at reducing panic

God love Joe Biden. When sent out to reassure people the the flupocalypse wasn't about to kill all their weak children and elderly relatives, he proceed to decide that Barry calmed too many people down last night and it was up to old Joe to get them properly panicked about their imminent death.

Vice President Joe Biden says he's advising his own family to avoid "confined places" -- to stay off commercial airlines and even subways -- because of the new swine flu.

Biden said Thursday if one person sneezes on a confined aircraft, "it goes all the way through the aircraft." Going beyond official advice from the federal government, Biden said of his family's personal precautions: "That's me."

Asked on NBC's "Today" show whether the government should close the border with Mexico to try to slow the spread of the flu, Biden says health authorities advise that would be impractical because the swine flu has already spread to the U.S. and several other nations. Instead, he says people should focus on confined places where the flu could spread quickly, such as airplanes, malls and classrooms.

"I'll tell you what Matt Lauer, all public transportation and places where people congregate are flu incubating death traps where you are 100% guaranteed to catch swine flu. No Biden will die like a dog in one of those disease pits. In fact, I'm advising the American populace start wearing full protective gear and gasmasks when they go out to prevent the spread. Also, I would advise that you shoot first and ask questions later when encountering anyone of the Mexican or 'Tejano' persuasion. Or anyone who looks too tan. They're carriers. Eliminate them. One shot to the head, that's the only way to kill them. But, you know, don't panic or anything. We've got it all under control."

Joe, what would we do without you? Besides not break into a panic when we're indoors or on some form of transportation.

In case you were wondering

In case you're wondering where we are in this whole Porcine AIDS/the Stand crisis: we're right after the credits. The disease has already escaped from the secret government facility in Mexico, crows are already mockingly pecking at our toys, and we're right at the pre-solo bridge in Don't Fear the Reaper. Grab your deaf friend and make for Boulder.

About that whole Porcine AIDS thing...

Whilst trolling the Townhall message boards for Tennessee undergrads looking to pull a Specter, I stumbled across the Cliffs Notes to Matthew's "Happy Good Fun Time Guide to the Flupocalypse."

Count the beans, load the shotgun, bolt the door, and read them HERE.

Okay........panic

World Health Organization Raises Swine Flu Alert Level

The World Health Organization raised the alert level of the fast-spreading swine flu virus on Wednesday afternoon, indicating that a “pandemic is imminent,” on the day that a Mexican toddler who had been hospitalized in Houston became the first person to die from the disease on United States soil.

Dr. Margaret Chan, the director general of the organization, said that the “phase 5” alert out of a possible 6 levels signified that at least two countries have spread the virus by human to human contact, and that the highest phase 6 was probably imminent.

“It is really all of humanity that is under threat during a pandemic,” Dr. Chan said. “We do not have all the answers right now. But we will get them.”

For those of you playing at home, the six alert levels are:

• Phase 1: Ma, the animals are coming down with something!
• Phase 2: I think I done got what Bessie and the livestock done got
  
• Phase 3: Quit whining and wipe your nose, it's all under control
• Phase 4: Oh...uh *tugging at collar nervously* I didn't expect the disease to jump countries so fast
  
• Phase 5: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! Wereallgonnafuckingdie!
  
• Phase 6: The Stand
  

Yeah, so uh, really good news. I wish you all the best as you try to fight this...near pandemic...of.....killer...I WON'T DIE LIKE THE REST OF YOU!!!!! *sound of frantic running, large vault door opening, large vault door closing and hermetically sealing, and muffled weeping*

Perspective

Swine flu/H1N1/Captain Trips global pandemic flupocalypse: 159 suspected deaths

Regular, unpigged, normal good ole fashioned American flu: 20,000 flu related deaths in an average flu season

So, you know, not exactly the greatest threat to humanity....yet. On the pants shitting side, the H1N1 Influenza A subtype also puts this swine flu outbreak in the same category as the Spanish flu that killed 50-100 million.

Pobody's nerfect

Remember the thoroughly adult stimulus bill debate our elected betters in Congress had? You know the one. Where a bunch of hacks decided that cutting out stimulative sections of the bill because the "numbers sounded high" and knocking good ideas out of the bill in some vain quest to achieve a total dollar sum they picked at random in an attempt to appear bipartisan and look like they were doing something. Remember? Boy I sure hope none of the stuff they knocked out has grossly dangerous implications for battling global flu pandemics.

Indeed, like Rove, Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME) was apparently unwilling to be seen as endorsing such "funny" sounding priorities as flu "preparedness" in an economic recovery package. Perhaps in an attempt to prove her fiscal conservative bona fides, Collins repeatedly insisted that Obey's pandemic preparedness funding did not belong in the bill:

COLLINS: There's funding to help improve our preparedness for a pandemic flu. There is funding to help improve cyber security. What does that have to do with an economic stimulus package? [CNN, 1/31/09]

COLLINS: I think everybody in the room is concerned about a pandemic flu. But does it belong in this bill? Should we have $870 million in this bill? No. We should not. [MSNBC, 2/5/09]

After the funding was stripped, another moderate Republican attempting to appear tough on "unnecessary" spending in the recovery package, Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA), endorsed Collins' crusade against the pandemic preparedness funding

Whoops! It turns out that chortling at stuff that sounds funny, using it as a basis for governing, listening to Karl Rove, and randomly hacking things out of the stimulus package all didn't seem like such smart things to do in hindsight. And the logic seemed so airtight too. Apparently Collins' "it sounds funny, cut it" is a better argument than David Obey's (who put the provision in) "a pandemic hitting in the midst of an economic downturn could turn a recession into something far worse" argument. And why not, they're both rational arguments made by serious people. Well, one is.

So in case you were wondering why, despite years of warning that we're all going to be killed by some superflu pandemic, we haven't spent money on pandemic flu preparations....well, we were, but the name sounded funny. Perhaps if it was called the "Extra Freedomy Way to Protect America First From Mucousy Flu Death Plan For America. Freedom!" plan it might have had a chance. But don't worry, now that the problem is already here, I'm sure they'll get right on it. Because prevention is always a shortsighted waste of money, but shutting the barn door after the animals get out is serious and responsible leadership.

May all your depressions be great

There are certain people you don't want to hear say certain things. For instance; George Bush announcing his return to government, Kevin Colbert announcing the resigning of Willie Colon to a five year deal, or an official spokesman for the CDC muttering something about flesh eating, unstoppable, and 99.9% fatality rate. Another is Paul Krugman saying "This is really, really bad" about something related to the economy. But in his blog post, entitled 'What the centrists have wrought', he does just that.

The short answer: to appease the centrists, a plan that was already too small and too focused on ineffective tax cuts has been made significantly smaller, and even more focused on tax cuts.

According to the CBO’s estimates, we’re facing an output shortfall of almost 14% of GDP over the next two years, or around $2 trillion. Others, such as Goldman Sachs, are even more pessimistic. So the original $800 billion plan was too small, especially because a substantial share consisted of tax cuts that probably would have added little to demand. The plan should have been at least 50% larger.

Now the centrists have shaved off $86 billion in spending — much of it among the most effective and most needed parts of the plan. In particular, aid to state governments, which are in desperate straits, is both fast — because it prevents spending cuts rather than having to start up new projects — and effective, because it would in fact be spent; plus state and local governments are cutting back on essentials, so the social value of this spending would be high. But in the name of mighty centrism, $40 billion of that aid has been cut out.

My first cut says that the changes to the Senate bill will ensure that we have at least 600,000 fewer Americans employed over the next two years.

The real question now is whether Obama will be able to come back for more once it’s clear that the plan is way inadequate. My guess is no. This is really, really bad.

Clap your hands for your elected betters. In order to get three measly votes from Republicans, Democrats (led by Ben Nelson and Claire McCaskill) picked an arbitrary dollar amount to be kicked out of the bill to make it look more centrist and like 'they were doing something' and ending up cutting the most effective parts of the bill and increasing the least effective parts of the bill. But hey, everything looks 'centrist' so our media will clap and applaud that 'something got done', that because people on the left are angry everything was a bipartisan success, and cluck about how the plan was too expensive and laden with silly things like stuff that creates jobs and aids states. Mission accomplished.

Well at least there's still the reconciliation portion of this process where hopefully House and Senate appointed negotiators will be able to hash out a better form of the bill from the two disparate versions. Wait, I can't actually believe I typed that. Choosing the superior House version or accepting most of its provisions will never happen, particularly because it is a smart idea and better plan. The Senate: where useful ideas and helpful plans go to die a thousand horrible deaths. If you see a Senator, feel free to punch him/her in the face, they will have deserved it. Also give a big thumbs up to Barry, his constant proclamations about bipartisanship and introducing a bill that already ceded important ground in the name of bipartisanship instead of writing a proper bill in the first place helped grease the skids for this. All it netted him was 3 votes. Slow golf clap everyone.

But hey, who needs something like 600,000 more jobs? We have centrism and bipartisanship.