Staggering achievements in the massive technological advancement of the human race

Ladies and gentlemen, we sit on the precipice of a new world, a new future. The old way of doing things is dead and buried and we will now have to come to grips with The New Way and Our New Life. You can take your rocket boots and your HDTV's and your medical achievements and all your other shallow means of measuring societal advancement and I'll use mine: we're getting new ketchup packets!!!!!


That's right, no longer will we have to tear small corners off ketchup packets with our hands, or more likely our mouths, in order to gain the sweet tomatoey sustenance inside that we need to slather onto our fries of freedom, our burgers, and the collection of raccoon assholes, horse lips, and excess beaver tails that make up our hot dogs. You can dip or squeeze these new kind, people. DIP OR SQUEEZE!! This might even herald the end of the pump ketchup and paper cup station. Must I explain what this means to this country, nay the world, or are your minds already blown out the back of your asses?

Well then you better sit down Sally, because the world's bold leap into the 23rd century isn't done yet. Might you be interested in... unbreakable pint glasses?


No longer will a dropped beer necessarily going to result in the loss of the entire contents of the glass. No longer will you be forced to profusely apologize to the poor barmaid who has to clean up after your staggeringly intoxicated ass as you vainly try to apologize to her and lament the fact that if it weren't for this incident, you totally would have had a shot with her. On the negative side: pint glasses as weapons are out. But isn't this the more Utopian ideal of a less violent, or at least more creatively violent, society that we all aspire to? I think it is.

Take heed, dear readers: the future is here. You can dip french fries into your ketchup packets while dropping as many pints of beer as you like. I just hope you're ready for our new way of life.