Broken in Brief: Mystical white stuff bedevils humanity

MID ATLANTIC—“Oh God, what fresh hell is this?” an unnamed civil servant was heard to utter today in a mass conference call between the mayors and city officials of several mid-Atlantic cites plagued by the recent appearance of a cold, white, seemingly ice-like substance that has mysteriously begun falling from the skies over the past week.

“I’ll be jiggered if I know what the fuck any of this cold sky cotton is or what to do about it,” a despondent Washington D.C. mayor Adrian Fenty was heard to scream during the conference call. “Help! Dear sweet God help us, we have never encountered anything like this before!”

“One of my staffers has heard tale about this fabled weather event,” Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl revealed. “I believe it is called snoo or snough, I’m not sure how the pronunciation goes. But it is apparently a real meteorological event and some sort of heathen curse. In some cultures, this schnow is even a frequent weather event that they periodically endure. I can’t imagine such a thing and am without the means to combat this sky menace or perhaps reason with the evil spirit that has conjured it.”

Some of the older staffers soon regaled the assembled group with tales from their elders about methods their forefathers employed in pitched battle with the fluff ice. Some mentioned an ancient custom of salting the white air debris to combat ill omens, while others mentioned horse drawn plows as a means of redistributing the substance.

“Base witchcraft and chicanery,” Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake yelled. “If we drag plows on the streets our asphalt will be marked with deep grooves fit for a planting harvest.”

“We shall be doing none of this,” she finished, the others moving to note their support of her words.

As of press time only prayers and small sacrifices to the Gods are being offered, with few efforts made to clear streets. It is hoped that at the very least the prayers will be enough to stop the deluge until the requisite mystics and alchemists can be summoned to tell local leaders how to handle this unprecedented weather.