Broken In Brief: Health Care Summit Exposes Coverage Gaps

WASHINGTON--Thursday's bipartisan health care reform summit, aimed at addressing impasses between Democratic and Republican lawmakers, has instead cast light on the myriad health problems brought about by actually watching the health care reform summit.

Compounding the issue is the fact that most health care plans consider Telekinetic Lobotomization, bleeding from the eyes or ears, and self-inflicted blunt force trauma to be pre-existing conditions and therefore not covered.

As one insurance industry spokesperson explained, on condition of anonymity, "The mere act of watching these proceedings constitutes wanton self-endangerment. Thus, any physical, psychological or spiritual injuries resulting from this incident are the responsibility of the individual."

While the structure and format of the summit were inherently laughable and therefore suspect, medical professionals are pointing to specific comments by certain lawmakers as the likely source of trauma.

"I'm looking at you, Lamar Alexander," said Dr. Gabriel Hawking, in reference to the Republican Senator from Tennessee. "When you told the president, 'We want you to succeed,' I personally saw four people take ball-peen hammers to their foreheads."

Added Hawking, "And when McCain started in on that 'We promised change' stuff? Or how about when Pelosi started yammering about how this overhaul is going to require 'Real courage'? I feel like my I.Q. shed 40 points just by talking about this. I think I need to go lie down."

Spokesman for the health insurance giants warned that any prolonged exposure to the political health care debate could result in permanent psychosis or attempted self-disembowelment, and warned that any evidence that citizens had paid attention to the health care summit would result in an immediate cancellation of their insurance policy.

"Have you ever priced putting someone's guts back in? It's just not cost-beneficial to us," observed one unnamed Wellpoint executive.

"Did you watch this interminable bullshit? If so, then you yourself are responsible for removing the chair leg you broke off and jammed into your sternum when you heard John Boehner speak."