Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Broken in Brief: Westminster Kennel Club Judge "Can't Tell These Fuckin' Dogs Apart"

NEW YORK—Nearly a week after the 134th annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, a frustrated and distraught show judge has revealed that he has very little understanding of the differences between the breeds of dogs that he was supposed to be evaluating.

“I have no idea what I am doing or how I ascended to this position. I cannot tell these fuckin’ dogs apart,” revealed head judge for the prestigious event, Dr. David Winsleydale, at his summer home.

“What is a terrier? What classifies a dog into the sporting group? How can I tell how good a retriever is if it’s just standing there, not retrieving? My God, I am at a loss. I just picked a friendly one that kind of looked like the dog my grandkids got and hurried out before anyone could ask me questions.”

The dog in question, a Scottish Terrier by the name of Roundtown Mercedes of Maryscot, was said to perplex Dr. Winsleydale on several fronts, notably the fact that it had never been to Scotland. But the Doctor noted that he was comforted by the fact that the dog seemed to be confused as he was as to its purpose for being there, which endeared it to him.

“I figured we were in the same boat,” said the Doctor while he stared perplexingly at the family Labrador. “I mean I was just classifying them as ‘longs’, ‘talls’, ‘shorts’, ‘wides’, and ‘thins’ and handing out awards based on which dog was the tallest or fattest. But then in later rounds they were all in the same groups and I had no idea what to do. I just gave it to a dog that cocked its head quizzically at me.”

“A Scottish Terrier? I don’t even begin to know what that is or what makes a good one.”

It is unclear what will happen to Dr. Winsleydale now that this revelation has come forth, but the Westminster Kennel Club has said they will take action just as soon as they grapple with the quandary of how one can even begin to separate and compare qualities of excellence between multitudes of differing breeds.

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