Broken News: Inspiring Athlete From Somewhere or Another Inspires Inspirationally

VANCOUVER—Today the sporting world and television audiences worldwide sat rapt in awe at the admirable story of an athlete in some kind of sport and of indeterminate gender somehow overcame a not small form of hardship and/or difficulty in order to compete in the Olympics.

“I am astounded by this man or woman and the immense personal, professional, social, or health struggles he or she has gone through just to be here and compete at the top of some field,” a smiling Bob Costas exclaimed, his eyes welling up with tears and his soul filling up with wonderment.

“I think the American people, nay the world, or at least the audience within the broadcast scope of NBC/Universal and its cable partners, should be made aware of this stunning insight into the drives and desires within the indefatigable human spirit to almost the same degree with which we cover their sport.”

Other broadcasters, newsmen, and network heads covering the games were in agreement.

“This athlete here,” said Ivan Fecan, CEO of Canadian broadcaster CTV, waving his hand generally at the Olympic village, “has shown us how to overcome perhaps an illness, an illness to a close family member or friend, an injury, either random or as a result of training, maybe the low sponsorship and monetary opportunities available in their sport of choice, the extreme poverty or societal hardships within their own country or the country they claim nationality in while they train in Europe or North America, age, gender, or perhaps a complete unfamiliarity with the sport that they have inexplicably qualified for.”

“We are certain of one thing: this person is probably not an American,” Fecan finished.

Indeed, several journalists who were covering the story of this inspirationally inspirational competitor were almost certain that it wasn’t an American. Probably.

“Oh, I’m pretty sure an accent was involved,” observed long-time reporter for the London Times, Roger Atkinson. “I can almost assure you that the dialect being spoken involved an accent that practically assured the remarkable individual in question was from a poverty-stricken nation, possibly Africa, which all but makes it certain that this story is about overcoming poverty, lack of winter weather, and no viable economy, much less the infrastructure required to train properly.”

During the accolades, Atkinson did offer a caveat: ”Unless it was one of those rich kids who learned to ski while their diplomat father was stationed at a Swiss ski chalet. But even then, we just play up the Africa or poor Eastern Europe thing and it’s still golden, unlike this person’s inevitable finish, which will almost assuredly be in or around last place.”

The world renowned journalist was quick to concede that he wasn’t good with dialects and admitted that everyone could well be talking about an American Southerner.

Still, other maintain that by virtue of having been born in the southern United States, the athlete most likely overcame intellectual poverty, or at least four severe bouts with over-the-counter medication. Given that these hearty lessons might as well be on the table, many of the narratives focus on teaching the youth of the world about the dangers of drugs.

“Ooh, it could be an inner city ghetto youth,” one journalist was heard to joyously exclaim. “Then poverty and unfamiliarity with the sport is back in play!”

Still, privately most were hoping the sportsperson that had so inspired the world possessed some kind of weepy story to tell about overcoming some minor form of cancer or a best friend or parent that had recently died of a debilitating disease, spurring said athlete on to train harder by teaching them the value and preciousness of life and the time they have left on earth.

“The pre-event personal interest story just writes itself,” one television executive said. "We have to hump something between all those Geico commercials."

In any event, whoever this person is or was, whatever their gender is, wherever they come from, or whatever event it is they will attempt to participate in, one thing is clear: that human has moved us all.