Why couldn't this be the Boehner that went missing in Vancouver?

Of all the complaints about the health care bill (socialism~!, it'll murder the fuck out of my grandma, liberal tyranny) one of my favorites was "this bill is just too long, too incomprehensibly long." Because what is a more valid complaint against health reform and for continued inaction than that? Bills comprised of laws, rules, regulations, and new agencies governing the health care for Americans should be short! Why all the unneeded complexity when dealing with the entirety of the health care system? Shouldn't a simple problem like our broken health care system have a solution that is one, maybe two pages tops?

It's logical. And boy was that health care bill long. So yesterday when Obama released his 11 page health care plan, you'd think conservatives would be jumping for joy, right? I think you know where this is going.

A spokesman for House Minority Leader John Boehner today ridiculed President Obama's health care proposal because it's too short.

"The White House's 'plan' consists of an 11-page outline, which has not been scored by the Congressional Budget Office or posted online as legislative text. So they want to reorganize one-sixth of the United States' economy with a document shorter than a comic book, and they're complaining that they can't find our plan on their own website? C'mon," said the spokesman, Michael Steel, in an email to reporters.

C'mon, this is serious business! Something as important and all encompassing as health care shouldn't be relegated to a minuscule 11 pages. Try taking government seriously for once, Barry. Serious governance involves no more than 230 pages, no less than seven uses of the phrase "fuckin' liberals", includes two plugs for glennbeck.com, refers negatively to either the "shambling golem of European socialism" or "the icy black hand of government sponsored kill squads", and doesn't in any way address the health care needs of Americans.

Sure, the Obama "plan" wasn't so much a plan as it was several, easy tweaks to the Senate bill to improve it, but.... shortness... bad! Longness... also bad! Goldilocks would not eat this health care porridge, for it is not just right and she is in imminent danger of bear attack.

So thank you Boehner, for proving once again that there is literally no way any Democrat can ever win with you. Thank God that health care summit is still on, because I'm sure you have lots of useful ideas on page length, margins, double spacing, and font choice that are absolutely integral to this health reform debate.