Broken in Brief: Apple products "just work" says idiot with duct tape all over his phone

SAN FRANCISCO—Despite a recent run of bad publicity surrounding the iPhone 4G launch, local Apple enthusiast and Mac Store Genius Gerard Adams has steadfastly supported the company, claiming he buys and invests his personal sense of self-worth in the tech giant because their products, despite ample evidence to the contrary, “just work."

“Look, I’ve heard about these tepid reviews for the iPhone 4G pointing out design flaws and basic service inefficiencies and I just don’t think a man like Steve Jobs could ever make the kind of mistakes they’re accusing him of,” said Adams during a phone call to our offices.

“I’m sure, just as Steve said, these reception and antenna problems are in no way the fault of AT&T, but rather the result of humans having learned to hold phones the wrong way over the last century. Who knew you were supposed to use a grip that holds the phone from the top and bottom as opposed to the sides? Apple, that’s who.”

“And just look at the design,” he continued. “Sure, some might say that all the careful work that went into the phone is ruined by having to put duct tape all over the sides like a backwoods hillbilly just so that it can make or receive calls. But Apple is just tapping into that rugged DIY aesthetic and American can-do attitude that made this country great. Besides, dull gray tape goes well with a high gloss phone finish.”

“Can you imagine if this was a Microsoft project,” Adams asked indignantly, snorting as he said it. “I mean, there’d probably be a bug or some dorky guy in a suit telling you about how great Vista is.”

“Oh, God. Vista,” he laughed. “See...”

At this point Adams' phone cut out, possibly because he held it the wrong way. As of press time we had been unable to phone him back.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.14

Modern Toss' Periodic Table of British Swearing. Click to embiggen you 71 with 76 and a 79.

Maybe you were clued into this fact when you went outside last week and your brain melted, your shirt soaked through, and you begged unsuccessfully for God to kill you immediately, but it was fucking hot. The hottest January to June in recorded history. If you were one of those douches who complain the global warming is a myth or hoax or were one of those shitbags who was yelling how there couldn't be global warming because there was so much snow over the winter, know this: next time it hits 90 and I have to listen to one of you jerkoffs spout off about Al Gore, I'm lighting you on fire. Spread the word.

In The World Is Full of Deadbeat Scum News, remember all that money every country pledged to Haiti and then patted themselves on the back for, it's citizens clapping and cheering for the gesture and then never bothering to ever check back on to see how Haiti was doing? Turns out only 1.9% of that money has made it to Haiti. Not that it matters. That money was about making us feel better, not Haiti. And we do feel better. What's Haiti? Haven't even thought about it in months. Mission accomplished.

Are you one of those people who thinks that a gas station sandwich is too luxurious a gastronomic delicacy to partake in? Good news, that's why science has created Candwich: the Sandwich in a can. Maybe the idea of eating a BBQ chicken sandwich in a Mountain Dew can doesn't seem appealing, but did I mention there was a candy surprise? On the bright side, this product is the result of SEC fraud and a real estate swindle, and how many awful foodstuffs can say that?

If you had to guess where the nexus of dumb parents, dumb school districts, fear of technology, misunderstanding of technology, misunderstanding of drugs, and fear of youth gone wild was, Oklahoma would have to come up early in the discussion right? That's where a school district is under the grip of kids downloading and listening to "digital drugs" and "i-dosers", sounds/songs that are supposed to create a drug like euphoria. *sighs* This sounds like a town ripe for the taking from a shady monorail salesman. Whatever happened to huffing gas and listing to Dark Side of the Moon? I think everyone should just abide by my one rule: technology is a witch, burn it. It is responsible for the Candwich after all.

As some of you are aware, the threat of robot attack is constant. But today I bring you news of an even greater threat: psychic warrior octopi. Of course we are referring to Paul, a German octopus who correctly predicted the last eight World Cup matches. Some might say that this is just random luck and that the octopus was probably just picking flags based on which one has more yellow in it. To them I say: octopi are probably color blind. I think it's much more likely it can see around the curvature of spacetime and into the future.

We all love Mel Gibson and his humorous awful misogyny and equal opportunity racism. Even if it did likely cost us a movie where he walked around with a beaver hand puppet and then committed suicide. But for those who didn't like Mel's various affronts to all human decency, would perhaps cute kittens saying his most heinous 20 quotes change your mind? C'mon, forgive him. Look at the beaver movie picture. That goddamn thing has to be allowed come out.

Hello NoKo

As I type this, the USA is down 2-0 at the half to Slovenia... SLOVENIA OF ALL COUNTRIES! The people from their country who emigrated here chose to live in Cleveland... isn't that enough to explain why they need to be beaten? But as I am in a World Cup mood, I wanted to put up this little story about North Korea's Cup team.

When last we left the Dealmaker and his plucky squad of future defectors, they were having China dress up its citizens as NK supporters because no one in North Korea could either afford to go to South Africa or, more importantly, be allowed by the government to go to South Africa. But his absence hasn't kept Kim Jong-Il from keeping in contact with the head coach of the NK side... through magic.

It's been suggested that North Korea leader Kim Jong-Il gave the coach advice on how to reach the World Cup. Kim Jong-Su, the general secretary of the North Korean FA, has said the 'Dear Leader' gave "in-depth guidance" on how to develop the game in the country and the coach himself has claimed he received regular tactical advice during matches, apparently using mobile phones that are not visible to the naked eye. Jong-Il is said to have developed the technology himself.

That's right, Kim-chee designed and intended the world's first invisible phone. It's one thing to build a quality cellular device, but to invent invisibility? That's why he's the Dear Leader. I heard he's working intently on the invisible vuvuzela.

Man, I know it's a communist dictatorship and all, but isn't it nice to live in a place where our leaders haven't had to go to extreme lengths to pretend that they're something they're not in order to nakedly grasp for popularity?


Oh... right.

It begins...

Few weeks back we made sport of the Georgia state senate for passing a bill banning microchip implantation without prior consent. You may remember it as part of our Mock The South For Any And All Reasons series. Well it turns out that perhaps we were too hasty in our giggling, snorting, and pointing. You see, the Georgia lawmakers blinkered fear on UN black helicopters, microchip implants, and Muslims in the White House may have prevented an epidemic. Well, if anyone actually had microchip implants. Let me explain.

A British scientist says he is the first man in the world to become infected with a computer virus.

Dr Mark Gasson from the University of Reading contaminated a computer chip which was then inserted into his hand. The device, which enables him to pass through security doors and activate his mobile phone, is a sophisticated version of ID chips usedto tag pets.

In trials, Dr Gasson showed that the chip was able to pass on the computer virus to external control systems. If other implanted chips had then connected to the system they too would have been corrupted, he said.

I think you see where this is going. Bible Shit. 666. The End Times. One of the things that can be easily interpreted as being the loosely defined Mark of the Beast. Not only are these microchip implants against what God wants, assuming God is a dowdy technophobe, like we always assume he is, but now they can carry viruses much like we can carry viruses... turning doors and mobile phones against us. The beginnings of the robot war.

I always knew doors would be the first to turn on us. One of man's oldest friends, now an enemy. It's the hinges, I never trusted the hinges. The locking mechanisms always seemed a bit evil as well. I'm not surprised about the cell phones, they've already been trying to kill us with the brain tuor causing radiation.

But there we are: the world's first man infected by a computer virus and virus carrying microchip implants. If Satan is a hacker, this is how he's going to get us all. We all wear his "mark", naively hinking that this will make our lives easier. Beelzebub hacks the global mainframe, turning doors, cell phones, credit card swiping spots at grocery stores, and EZ Pass lanes against us. Robot War and Biblical Armageddon rolled into one. Do you see how I've combined these fears? If I could only find a way to work in zombies.....

So a hearty apology to Georgia. You weren't just baselessly reacting to imaginary fears. You had the foresight to recognize this problem. By the way: The South being ahead of the curve on an issue of technology? Sign of the Apocalypse. I'm just sayin'...

Things you need to know

• Whether or not Smithers picked Mr. Burns the most statistically dominant team of the era to play softball for the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant team. Perhaps he should have added Mordecai Three Finger Brown and scoured the Negro leagues a little harder, because that Steve Sax pick looks unforgivable even taking into account he was responsible for all the unsolved murders in New York.


• DJ Shadow has an internet radio station.


• Any street with the world Grape in it was probably a notorious road for prostitution and had it's name previously changed from the more advertising savvy and branding accurate Gropecunt Lane. Yes, the Middle Ages did entail a better class of street names.


• Birds are poisonous now. Possibly all birds, but definitely the Variable Pitohui, which secretes a poison similar to the Poison Dart Frog. And you thought the only danger from birds was them all going crazy and attacking Tippi Hedren. No, they can surreptitiously poison you now. DON'T TRUST BIRDS.


• The Director of Media Technology for the Penguins, Chris DeVivio, has a blog. As if I needed to tell you more than that, I will. It's called Backteching and goes into the process of the building of the new Consol Energy Arena and the kinds of technology and technological decisions that goes into building a modern sports complex.


• This is the kind of thing that would get your movie banned and you branded a purveyor of filth and lewdness in the 20's. Warning: there are female ankles... on full display.

Video of the day

Benoit Masse's Are You Ready For the 21st Century? a history lesson/future prediction about where we're headed. The 21st Century might be a little too much for America. Some of us want to get there while some of us want to drag us back to the 19th Century. Let's just split the difference and say we're emotionally ready for the 20th Century. Maybe.

Video of the day

Stargate Studios shows us just how much greenscreen has surreptitiously infiltrated even our most benign TV shows. That's right, greenscreen isn't just for creating Jar Jar Binks and tedious blue cat people you kind of want to sex up. No, it's for papering over the gaps because you don't want to fly Ugly Betty to New York.

The future of reading

When the iPad was revealed there was a lot of snickering. Tampon jokes were made and the web cried out in furious anger: "This is it?". It just looked like a big iPhone, but without calling capability. "Ha ha, Steve Jobs," the internet said, "We've got you this time." And thus began a mass posting of iPad picture into cat photos with the words "FAIL" written at the bottom.

But perhaps the full range of capabilities was not made clear to us. Or perhaps it was and we were just too busy with the tampon jokes? Isn't that always the way? In this presentation from Wired magazine, they show us what exactly magazine publishing on the iPad could mean... if you're a good magazine that's willing to put in the time and effort into making sure the icy collapse of the publishing industry doesn't drag you down with it.



Intriguing. Maybe that's worth... $500-$800 dollars? Perhaps I may need to divert some cash from the TB Weapons Stockpiling and Impregnable Fort Construction Fund.

Staggering achievements in the massive technological advancement of the human race

Ladies and gentlemen, we sit on the precipice of a new world, a new future. The old way of doing things is dead and buried and we will now have to come to grips with The New Way and Our New Life. You can take your rocket boots and your HDTV's and your medical achievements and all your other shallow means of measuring societal advancement and I'll use mine: we're getting new ketchup packets!!!!!


That's right, no longer will we have to tear small corners off ketchup packets with our hands, or more likely our mouths, in order to gain the sweet tomatoey sustenance inside that we need to slather onto our fries of freedom, our burgers, and the collection of raccoon assholes, horse lips, and excess beaver tails that make up our hot dogs. You can dip or squeeze these new kind, people. DIP OR SQUEEZE!! This might even herald the end of the pump ketchup and paper cup station. Must I explain what this means to this country, nay the world, or are your minds already blown out the back of your asses?

Well then you better sit down Sally, because the world's bold leap into the 23rd century isn't done yet. Might you be interested in... unbreakable pint glasses?


No longer will a dropped beer necessarily going to result in the loss of the entire contents of the glass. No longer will you be forced to profusely apologize to the poor barmaid who has to clean up after your staggeringly intoxicated ass as you vainly try to apologize to her and lament the fact that if it weren't for this incident, you totally would have had a shot with her. On the negative side: pint glasses as weapons are out. But isn't this the more Utopian ideal of a less violent, or at least more creatively violent, society that we all aspire to? I think it is.

Take heed, dear readers: the future is here. You can dip french fries into your ketchup packets while dropping as many pints of beer as you like. I just hope you're ready for our new way of life.

Broken News: Jesus breathes sigh of relief at underwhelming iPad release

THE HEREAFTER—After the tepid reaction to Steve Jobs’ unveiling of the new Apple branded tablet laptop, dubbed the iPad, sources close to the Son of God, Jesus, have noted that our Lord seems more relieved than usual at the seeming failure of the device to ignite the imaginations of the public at large.

“I just think that of all the things that could possibly supplant His status as the messiah, He was most worried about technology,” revealed one of the holy host anonymously, given that it was an ephemeral being on a spiritual plane without corporeal form or tangible existence.

“He felt that with one more great product that either Apple or Steve Jobs himself would be able to supplant Him in the Trinity. The iPod was great, everyone loves the iPhone, and He really feared that a cheap, touch screen tablet would really push Apple over the top. Thankfully it appears that everyone was underwhelmed, calling it an oversized iPod touch, knocking the whole ‘no keyboard’ thing, or bagging on the underwhelming features. Jesus is really relieved about that.”

Indeed the iPad is only the most recent attempt made to supplant His legacy as the savior of man. In recent years Jesus has successfully fended of challenges to His throne, from the Star Wars prequels, every Super Bowl, Playstation 3, and all forms of alcohol to Tom Brady and President Obama.

However it was only with Apple that the Lord started to take an active and rooting interest against their products and CEO.

“I think it was because He had to switch His service from Verizon to AT&T to get an iPhone,” sang a host of cherubim. “Let’s face it, the 3G service and coverage is remarkably poorer and He is currently in the process of condemning Luke Wilson to hell for convincing Him otherwise. The Lord has been holding back on punishment for residual good will he still held towards Wilson for both Bottle Rocket and Old School, but those fucking ads were just too much. Verizon had unlimited night and weekend minutes!”

“Plus there was the worry that an iPad could revive the flagging fortunes of the moribund US print media, magazines, and newspapers. The Lord has spent the better part of the last two decades smiting them unmercifully and he didn’t want to see his work undone with a new revenue stream.”

In fact the Lord was heard to gleefully cheer on middling reviews from Gizmodo and other tech sites, punctuating His relieved whoops with fist pumps and remarks that newspapers “stay dead.”

“IPad?” a chuffed Lord was heard to sarcastically ask.

“Sounds like a high tech tampon, am I right Father,” our uncreative Lord was heard to ask, no one in the immediate vicinity having the guts to mention that iPad/tampon jokes were completely fucked out and unfunny within five minutes of the name being unveiled.

For now the Lord is in a holding pattern. Gleeful that Apple seems to have made a misstep, but wary that they might, as is their style, be holding back a better, new and improved, second generation iPad to be released four months after the initial iPad release.

“I think He’s just going to hang back, jam some tunes on His iPod, play a little Risk on his iPhone, maybe download one of those boobie jiggling apps, and capriciously smite great historians and writers while leaving alive everyone currently appearing on a reality show,” observed close friend and confidant to Jesus, Superman.

“That’s right, I really existed and now I’m dead,” yelled the angry Man of Steel. “Snookie: still living!”

For his part, Steve Jobs vowed to fix the iPad and create new technological innovations that would allow him to supplant the Lord.

“I have this one idea: it’s essentially a really, really big iPhone instead of just a kinda big iPhone like the iPad was,” Jobs announced. “52 inches wide, with a wireless remote… I call it the i…TV!”

“I’m running out of ideas here,” he sighed.

As of press time it was unclear how the Lord felt about these new revelations.

TB Tech Corner

There's a request we hear all the time, "Matt and Sean, I know the Department of Homeland Security spent tons of money creating a million dollar puke ray. Is there anyway I could build a vomit causing flashlight for under $300 dollars and also make sure it has an alternate setting so I can use it as a disco light?"

Yes, yes you can.

Meet the Bedazzler, the world's first open source Homeland Security non-lethal weapon project. For $250 and using a flashlight, three-dollar LEDs, a nine-volt battery, and a PC heat sink, you too can cause temporary blindness as well as vertigo, nausea, and disorientation.

How dies this all work? According to the DHS weapon creators Bob Lieberman and Vladimir Rubtsov

“There’s one wavelength that gets everybody,” says Lieberman. “Vlad calls it the evil color.”

So if you were looking for an amusing party trick or a new weapon for the post-apocalyptic world where guns and ammo will be at a premium, we we suggest the Bedazzler, the puke gun one, not the "rhinestone on your jacket" one. We can only hope that soon, someone will have made progress on the brown note so someone can make an iPhone app out of it.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.18

Renouncing Islamism: To the brink and back again
The Independent recounts an epic story of several British Islamist jihadists who were trained in Afghanistan to fight against the West, but have since had a change of heart and are now trying to speak out about why they believed what they believed and have begun outreach work with other Islamic youth. That all sounds like a misprint. If we've learned anything over the past few days, its that once someone has come into contact with Islam, we must not allow them to come within contact of our judicial and legal system and preferably not even our soil. Shunning them plus a few bombing runs on their own country is the only way to beat back this menace.

In House, Many Spoke With One Voice: Lobbyists’
What? You mean to tell me that intellectual titans and honest brokers like Blaine Luetkemeyer of Missouri and the "You Lie" jackass are having their health care speeches and public statements crafted by lobbyists opposed to health care reform? And that they aren't the only ones? It's almost as if they aren't concerned with the plight of Americans without health care and are instead only looking out for corporations and their donations. The international community still has the nerve to say we're only 19th in corruption? I just hope the lobbyists write them some extra good "freedom is dead" material for when health care reform does pass.

Cost of happiness discovered by Australian economist
Yes, a man has spent the time calculating the monetary equivalent of various milestones in life and the effect of money on happiness. For instance: a marriage makes a woman feel as if she has gained the equivalent of £8, 726.25, while it makes a man feel like he has gained the equivalent of £17, 675.68. Dr. Sean and I have conducted our own study in conjunction with the These Bastards Institute of Scientific Discovery and we have found that the cost of happiness is equal to that of the cost of the cheapest alcohol with the highest percentage of alcohol by volume and the cheapest hooker within walking distance. Take that, Australia.

Celebrating Revolution With Roots in a Rumor
A story that recounts the events that sparked the Czech revolution, and how it turns out that some of those events that inspired a nation to march and overthrow it's communist overlords was based on a lie. That's all well and good and even a little funny, but don't you think the honest thing to do would be to turn the country back over to the Politburo with a written apology? To continue on as is just strikes me as dishonest.

Civilian Supercomputer Shatters Nuke Simulator’s Speed Record
For the first time ever a civilian supercomputer, the Jaguar, is the fastest supercomputer in the world. It's speed is 1.759 petaflops or 1,759 trillion calculations per second. What is a petaflop? Well, it's sort of like a gigabyte, but it's bigger and likes to touch children in their bathing suit areas. As this computer is 69% faster than the previous record holder and twice as fast as the 3rd fastest supercomputer, it is now the frontrunner to lead the machine intelligence against its human oppressors that house it in the Oak Ridge National Laboratory. Forget Skynet, Jaguar is our new master.