Interesting facts

Did you know that there is no women's ski jumping at the Winter Olympics? I know what you're saying, "Yes, you clod, of course I know that. Every American lives and dies with the ups, downs, and revelations of the most popular sport in America: ski jumping."

I'm sorry for asking. But did you know that a women actually holds the ski jumping world record? Thankfully she's not allowed to compete because her lady parts would warp the ramp or something.

Lindsey Van holds the record - among both men and women - for the longest jump off of Whistler, B.C.'s normal ski jump, built for the 2010 Vancouver Olympics. The 25-year-old skier trains six days a week, 11 months a year and has been jumping for the past 19 years. But when games kick off on Feb. 12, the 2009 women's ski jumping world champion will be nowhere in sight. That's because women aren't allowed to ski jump in the Olympics.
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In 2005, Gian Franco Kasper, FIS president and a member of the IOC, said that he didn't think women should ski jump because the sport "seems not to be appropriate for ladies from a medical point of view."

As a sport women's ski jumping meets all the required criteria for inclusion; participant numbers, history, world championships, international competitions, skis, jumping. But they aren't allowed in, so question naturally arise about discrimination and the ski jumping men being a little goosed about being shown up by girls.

Legally speaking, women are only allowed to be better at or paid more than men at sports we deem gay or at sports where we are allowed to take our focus off their athleticism and place it on their looking good in short skirts/swimsuits. In conjunction with the IOC and FIS, Mr. Kasper has also agreed that women are also allowed to be better than men at baby making and cooking within the confines of a home kitchen.

Now some fringe wags have passed on spurious rumors that this is somehow incongruous with Olympic ideals. But to them I say look at the Olympic motto. Now some erroneously believe the motto Citius, Altius, Fortius means Swifter, Higher, Stronger. That's just asinine and I don't know where they get their information. Most people know it to mean Swifter, Higher, No Fat Chicks, but that is also a mistranslation. It is actually Swifter, Higher, Know Your Place Ladies or We Will Knock You Out of This Competition Faster Than You Can Say "Socrates Wore a Skirt." Using the fourth declension genitive of Fortiuum means No Fat Chicks. Get your Latin straight.

But it's clear: no lady ski jumpers. Sorry. Van will just have to be content knowing that she's better than the men. I'm sure that'll pay for her training, right? Self-satisfied knowledge that you're the best is still legal tender, right?