Broken in Brief: No one hurt at tragic Torino bobsled course collapse

TORINO—Tragedy was averted today as there have seemingly been no injuries or casualties resulting from a calamitous early morning collapse of the Cesana Pariol bobsled venue, which hosted all of the ice track racing events during the 2006 Torino Winter Olympic Games.

“At this point, we are assuming that it collapsed early this morning,” announced the head of the Italian International Olympic Committee, Giancarlo Giuseppi, during an afternoon press conference.

“To be honest, it could have collapsed at any point in the last four years. We just found out today. I was watching the Vancouver Games, saw some of their ice track, and said to myself, ‘Didn’t we used to have one of those?’ Then I went to the location I vaguely remember building a bobsled course at, only to find it had collapsed. “

“Let me be clear: Our preliminary assessment that there were no casualties at the track is still subject to International Olympic Committee verification. There might have been a few hobos or drifters crushed in the debris, as well as any feral animals that had taken to using the structure as a breeding ground. We won’t know until later. All I can say is that no athletes, judges, bobsledders, builders, bystanders, or spectators were involved in the collapse. No one that would have been there for any bobsledding-related purpose.”

When asked how an Olympic venue came to be so disused that it would collapse, Giuseppi took note to stress that it was a 7,130 seat bobsled venue, that cost $50 million Euros, was built only for bobsledding, and was built for use in Italy.

“There was no use for that thing the second after the Olympics ended,” he added.

When it was asked if Vancouver, which copied some of the Italian designs in construction of its bobsled venue, had any structural problems to worry about, Giuseppi laughed. “It’ll last throughout the end of next week. After that, who cares?”

When it was noted that Vancouver had hopes of using it after the games, the Italian perplexingly asked, “Of what use is a multi-million dollar bobsled course after an Olympics?” before snorting out a terse “Good luck with all that.”