Awwww

Senate Dems Not Sure They Can Get Enough Votes to Reconfirm Bernanke

Amidst the voter anger at Wall Street and Washington, D.C., ABC News has learned that the Senate Democratic leadership isn't sure there are enough votes to re-confirm Ben Bernanke for another term as chairman of the Federal Reserve.

Bernanke's term expires on Jan. 31.

What a shame. I just can't believe that in this day an age an ostensible agent of government who feels it is his duty to look out for financial and banking giants at the expense of people, completely neglects the bolded large print declaration that the central bank is supposed to be committed to enacting polices that promote full employment, tilts at windmills and the imaginary dragons of inflation, presided over a disaster, did nothing to stop it or foresee it, and is unpopular with the American people, isn't finding much support in Congress.

As an added bonus, it seems that Geithner is on the outs as well. Hey, I guess better late than never. Sad that it has to take months and months of deeply unpopular toadying to the people who ruined the economy before someone speaks up and says "Maybe... this is a... bad... idea?" while someone else tentatively nods in agreement. Or as Matt Taibbi puts it "the government only starts listening to its voters once the more corrupt option turns out to be untenable."

So soon we might have a new head of the FED and, if Obama seems to be moving away from his ideas, a new head of the Treasury. Hah! Just kidding. Did you see the confirmation rate in the Senate for Presidential appointees? Even if he dumps the both of them, it'll be years before both positions were filled. I'm not sure if those would be bad things at this point, but that's where we are. That is unless Senate Democrats are able to muster some sort of unified and bipartisan support for something supported by the President. LOLersaktes!

So sorry Ben. Bitches will eventually know about your rate cuts and we all appreciate your rocket cycle heroics, but we just can't let you run things anymore. I guess it's back to Princeton to boss around Krugman. That might be as fun as swimming in the Fed's money vault. Fare thee well.

Money, money, money, money... mon-ey

When we all get together at out weekly These Bastards Tea Party meetings, what's the one thing we always say about politics? No, not "kill them all" or "More booze." I'm talking about how we all wish politicians and elections were influenced even more by corporate money. Well thankfully the Supreme Court heard our clarion call and read our feces strewn correspondence written with letters and words we cut out of Ladies Home Journal and came to the same conclusion.

Overruling two important precedents about the First Amendment rights of corporations, a bitterly divided Supreme Court on Thursday ruled that the government may not ban political spending by corporations in candidate elections.

The 5-to-4 decision was a vindication, the majority said, of the First Amendment’s most basic free speech principle — that the government has no business regulating political speech. The dissenters said that allowing corporate money to flood the political marketplace would corrupt democracy.

Whew, thank God. Politicians already listen way too much to the will of the people at the expense of large corporations. Now, there will finally be some balance and the little people will finally get to stop imposing their tyrannical reign on poor, poor put upon conglomerates. I mean who can't be thrilled to hear lobbyists respond to the ruling with articles full of stuff like this:

The Supreme Court has handed lobbyists a new weapon. A lobbyist can now tell any elected official: if you vote wrong, my company, labor union or interest group will spend unlimited sums explicitly advertising against your re-election.

“We have got a million we can spend advertising for you or against you — whichever one you want,’ ” a lobbyist can tell lawmakers, said Lawrence M. Noble...

Again, whew. Lobbyists just don't have enough access and wield enough power, finally they'll be able to do God's work more effectively.

Thankfully the Supreme Court is there to tell us that the people need to be made into a electoral underclass, roaming the depths undergrounds, eating what crumbs fall to us, and hissing at the light. Money equals speech and since corporations have more money than us, they deserve even more speech than us. Which is good, we were really drowning Big Oil, pharmaceutical giants, and financial companies out. I know we all thought we had too much influence over our elected betters. Well, the Supreme Court, in their infinite wisdom, agrees.

I can hardly wait for the first ad from a Wall Street company that was funded with bailout money. The 2010 midterms are going to be so great. Our suggestion? You know all that tremendous power and influence you wielded over the past few years? Well, remember it fondly. It was the high point in American Democracy. Why no, that isn't incredibly sad.

Good morning, here's Prince's ode to Brett Favre

Today Prince rose from purification ceremonies in the waters of Lake Minnetonka to declare his allegiance to the Minnesota Vikings with a fight song. That's right, Saints, not only do you have to face Old Man Favre and Purple Jesus, but you have to face the might of the Revolution and the New Power Generation. After he's done with you, he's gonna serve you pancakes.

Your move, Dr. John and Harry Connick Jr., your move.

After the jump are the lyrics, which were apparently co-written by a 13 year-old girl who texted them to Prince.

Purple and Gold Lyrics

the veil of the sky draws open
the roar of the chariots touch down
we r the ones who have now come again
and walk upon water like solid ground
as we approach the throne we won't bow down
this time we won't b denied

raise every voice and let it b known
in the name of the purple and gold

we come in the name of the purple and gold
all of the odds r in r favor
no prediction 2 bold
we r the truth if the truth can b told
long reign the purple and gold

the eyes say ready 4 battle
no need 4 sword in hand
we r all amped up like a rock n roll band
ready 2 celebrate every score
ready 2 fight the elegant war
ready 2 hear the crowd roar

that's what we came 4
and so much more
in the name of the purple and gold

r spirits may b tired
r bodies may b worn
but since this day is r destiny
r history – that's y we must b
4ever strong as the wind that blows the Vikings' horn
in the name of the purple and gold

Broken News: AMERICANS ARE DEAD IN HAITI!!!!!!!!

PORT AU PRINCE-In what was initially thought to be a minor geological event notable only for its proximity to the United States, reports made almost a week after the fact revealed something so shocking that America, and indeed the world, must now stand up and take notice.

According to reports filed by the US media, a minimum of 17 Americans were killed during the quake that may or may not have damaged areas outside of where these specific Americans were staying. Upwards of 5,500 Americans are also missing, feared dead as a result of events that we are now allowed to consider important.

“My God, the toll that has been wrought on America has been incalculable,” observed Red Cross spokesman Erica Paymer.

“Here we all were, thinking this was a minor curiosity of little importance that might allow for some pundit posturing or celebrity tax write-offs. But thanks to the vigilance of an American media that incessantly mentions 17 dead Americans, we now know the true toll of this horrific event.”

In addition to the dead Americans, there are also a number of other dramatic inconveniences to America as a result of the Haitian catastrophe. Initial reports point to a precipitous uptick in Wyclef Jean sightings, as well as some sort of correlation between the Haiti event and a decrease in backup supplies of food and water held by relief organizations.

In fact, several aid workers stationed in Miami noted that pallets of bottled water traditionally reserved for filling Super Soakers or moistening MRE’s consumed when nobody felt like driving to a nearby McDonald's had mysteriously disappeared.

Flights bound for Haitian resorts and connecting flights to other South American resorts have also been canceled due to an apparent increase in other kinds of airplanes flying into the Port-au-Prince airport for some as-yet undefined reason. But all of this pales in comparison to the hardships the earthquake has caused to cruise ships docking nearby.

“They cut our jet ski time in half and canceled the glass-bottom boat ride and never told us why,” lamented Helen St. Croix, a passenger on the Carnival Cruise Ship The Aristocrat. “Honestly, it was just a bit of ground rumbling, tragic though the deaths of those Americans were.”

“The worst bit was at the evening luau. We barely had enough local staff to dig the pig out of the fire pit and there weren’t nearly enough waiters. I had to get my mojito myself. You don’t think this earthquake thingy dingy affected people other than Americans… do you?”

This sense of dread seems to be growing more common amongst both the moneyed elite partying on the beach and those watching this tragic jet ski situation unfold back home. While most are content to believe that those brave, selfless dead Americans are the only story here, others are beginning to search for different story angles.

“You know, I keep trying to lead these searches for injured or missing Americans amongst these curiously piled heaps of concrete that seem to be everywhere. But all of these mocha-colored chattering and screeching obstacles keep getting in my way. I wonder what the hell they are,” wondered a puzzled Jim Ridgels, field correspondent for CNN Headline News. “It’s the damnedest thing.”

Others have more solid ideas about what is going on.

“I have come to learn that those annoying, intrusive figures Ridgels refers to are the native inhabitants of this island,” observed MSNBC journalist Stig Danforth. “Apparently they were also near the areas where American lives were claimed and were themselves also affected.”

“It is most important to realize that these swarthy humanoids are very much like us and deserve our compassion. That is why I have taken it upon myself to interject myself into their poorly organized rescue efforts. Viewers seem to like that I am helping these poor creatures. They're like children! Some might say ‘Stig, aren’t you just hampering these relief efforts in an attempt to gain face-time for yourself and taking away from the real story here?’ And to that I say, no. The story here is the dead Americans. The secondary story here is me and other enterprising journalists creating an air of goodwill for ourselves and filling airtime by being shown helping these poor, disadvantaged mud people that have been unfortunately drawn into this event.”

“Understand?,” he angrily finished.

But whether or not these stories of people other than Americans being affected are true or just the wanton exaggerations of fame-seeking journalists, one thing is clear: this is an uniquely American tragedy.

The country, for now, is expected to pay attention until such a time as stories of dead Americans stop coming out of this shapeless, faceless landmass which we don’t know the location of or are even completely sure exists. That, or until the Super Bowl kicks off. Whichever comes first.

Video of the day

The Chinese news explains the Conan/Leno conflict.

This is the way our news needs to be.

Quote of the day

House Speaker.... for about 10 more months, Nancy Pelosi

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi just told reporters that she does not believe she has enough votes in the House to pass the Senate health care reform bill as-is—at least not yet.

“I don’t see the votes for it at this time,” Pelosi said. “The members have been very clear in our caucus about the fact that they didn’t like it before it had the Nebraska provision and some of the other provisions that are unpalatable to them.”

“In every meeting that we have had, there would be nothing to give me any thought that that bill could pass right now the way that it is,” she said. “There isn’t a market right now for proceeding with the full bill unless some big changes are made.”

Well that sure was a nice health care reform effort that was made, but it's time to give up. I mean there is that new 41-59 Republican majority to think about.

I just want to say thanks to Democrats for wasting the last year, failing to understand what the fuck they're reaping, damning themselves to severe losses in November, placing political gamesmanship over making advances in the US health care system, not learning a goddamn thing from any of the previous failed health care efforts, and for convincing Americans in one year that they don't want you anywhere near the reins of power. That last one was impressive, it took Republicans eight years of failed wars, terrorist attacks, corruption, civil liberties violations, torture, spying on citizens, Constitutional violations, and economic failure to decide that they were unfit to run things.

Way to fuck up as always Democrats. For extra comic effect, do you think you all could attempt to organize a one car funeral? I'd just like to see what happens.

These guys get it

You know to some, the fact that a company like Morgan Stanley would hand out $14.4 billion dollars in bonuses (62 cents of every dollar of revenue they earned) to their employees during what they describe as "a lean year" is yet another sign that the financial wizards on Wall Street just don't get it.

All that means is you haven't heard about Morgan Stanley CEO Jimmy "Common Man" Gorman

Still, in a gesture to the public mood, Morgan Stanley’s new chief executive, James P. Gorman, said Wednesday that his entire bonus would be paid in the form of deferred stock, with no cash at all.

See? That's exactly what we wanted. We didn't want you to take no bonuses in return for shitting the world economy and building your businesses back up off the backs of free taxpayer money and government loans and guarantees that have artificially inflated your bottom lines and allowed you to show a "profit". No, we just wanted you to award bonuses in a form that was deferred and dished out in a manner that, because of government guarantees, made it certain that you would actually get a bigger bonus than what you had claimed you were getting.

Thanks for finally getting it, Morgan Stanley.

Hope you kept your snorkels, New Orleans

One must marvel at the lengths our elected betters go sometimes to completely toady to their corporate donors. Take, for instance, Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu. As Senator for the beleaguered state she must know that any of the adverse effects of global warming and climate change will adversely effect her state. From floods, to heat, to extra powerful hurricanes, to New Orleans going under water a couple more dozen times, to Drew Brees pulling a hamstring, all of these are climate dangers that will specifically damage states like Louisiana.

On the other hand, she gets $1.5 million in donations of pro-pollution, anti-environmental sectors so, her hands are tied. So you can see why she's working so hard to make sure her state drowns.

Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.) told reporters Wednesday that she is working with Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) on Murkowski's efforts to block EPA from regulating greenhouse gases under the agency's current Clean Air Act powers.
...
"I am considering that right now," Landrieu said when asked whether she backed Murkowski's plan. "I have been working with her on it."

Landrieu said she is not yet ready to announce anything but believes the Clean Air Act is not meant to be applied to carbon dioxide emissions.

Yeah, of course carbon dioxide isn't a pollutant that should be regulated by the Clean Air Act or the EPA. It's as obvious as the fact that the Earth was formed 6,000 years ago and the fact that I DIDN'T DESCEND FROM NO ORANGUTAN!!!!!!

You know you can kind of understand when congresspeople from South Dakota don't get all that thrilled about acting on climate legislation. Hell, it's not like South Dakota is going to be covered by melted ice cap water or hit by extra powerful hurricanes. South Dakota could take a direct meteor strike and the entire state would barely look different. In fact increased temperatures and a coastline that advances inland by a couple hundred miles would actually dramatically improve most of the Midwest. But for a Senator who represents a state that contains large chunks of population and infrastructure below sea level and is already vulnerable to extreme weather? It's almost completely indefensible.

On the other hand, $1.5 million is a lot of money. She probably made the right choice.

New rules

Today has come the announcement that the Obama Administration will, just for the hell of it, decide to propose some new limits on the size and risks taken by banks. I don't know, that sounds dangerous. Isn't it the fundamental capitalist right of banks to be so goddamn large and complex that even the slightest mistake could send our economy into the toilet and everyone into the breadlines? In any event, in conjunction with the These Bastards junior news gathering arm, the Wall Street Journal, we have endeavored to uncover some of the new proposals that will be... proposed.

• deter banks from becoming so large they put the broader economy at risk and prevent banks from becoming so large they distort normal competitive forces
• place restrictions on the proprietary trading done by commercial banks by limiting the way banks bet with their own capital
• place "firewalls" between different divisions of financial companies to ensure banks don't indirectly subsidize "speculative" trading through other subsidiaries that hold federally insured deposits
• perhaps keep banks out of the business of running hedge funds, investing in real estate or private equity
• seek to return the "spirit of Glass Steagall," meant to limit large banks from becoming too big and complex that create enormous risk
• no CEO of a financial company is allowed to refer to Tim Geithner as "bitch", "bitch boy", "our little bitch", "bitch tits", "that goofy fuck who does everything we want", "Bitchothy Bitchner", "get us our money, bitch", or any other phrase that uses the word "bitch"
• no CEO is allowed to tell a Treasury or Fed official to "get their fuckin' shinebox" unless said official actually has a shinebox
• at the next meeting between the Obama Administration and financial leaders, Paul Volcker gets to "cold cock a random motherfucker in the face, just for the hell of it"
• all bankers and Wall Street employees have to sign a pledge to conduct themselves as rational humans and not like rabid, money hungry lunatics at an Atlantic City craps table
• Goldman-Sachs employees may order gold plated Bugatti Veyron's, but are only allowed to drive them on their sprawling estates and private highways
• All major banks must chip in to hire a distinguished actor who pretend to be the head of a bank and will stand in front of the media and humbly apologize for the economic and financial crises. We'll say he's the CEO of Ameribank.... yeah, that sounds like a real bank. I think they'll buy that.
• they must swear, legally swear, to never do this again, no crossed fingers
• attempts must be made to not so egregiously and obviously buy Senators and House members
• more toaster giveaways for opening new accounts
• do something that shuts Arianna Huffington up about that goddamn "move your money" campaign. Christ that's annoying
• fuck the fuck off and make sure we don't hear a goddamn economic peep out of your bank holes for the next fuckin' decade
  

So those are just some of the proposals that Obama and Paul Volcker hope to get passed. I'm sure the Senate and House will get right on that and Republicans will be eager to help.

As an aside, a fuckload of Bothans were harmed to get this information. So to help out text either "BOTHAN" to 990999 or "GUNDARK" to 550555 in order to donate $10 to the Red Cross Bothan Relief efforts.

An announcement

It is with great sadness that I have to announce that effective immediately, Sean and I will be shutting down These Bastards. Now I know this comes as a tremendous blow to our billions upon billions of fans who have spent the past year plus organizing and building a society around the way we bitch about politics, mock religion, and do fake news, but it's time. "Why?" you might ask. Four words: whites only basketball league. Sean and I have to get ready for tryouts.

A new professional basketball league called the All-American Basketball Alliance (AABA) sent out a press release on Sunday saying that it intends to start its inaugural season in June, with teams in 12 U.S. cities. However, the AABA is different from other sports leagues because only players who are “natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league.”
...
“There’s nothing hatred about what we’re doing,” he said. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.”
...
“Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?” he said. “That’s the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction.”

We do have one suggestion: call it the National Blacklessball Association. Otherwise we're proud to join the sporting equivalent of the teabaggers movement. In fact that's the team Sean and I will be trying out for; the Nashville Teabaggers. Other teams will include the Statesboro Defenders of White Cultural Heritage and the Birmingham Members of a Certain Secret Society... I Don't Believe I Gotta Mention Its Name, Heh-Heh.

So if you're like us and you hate taking a basketball beat down from Negroes making showboat passes, pretending the ball is a yo-yo, bringing out a step ladder onto the court, employing a bucket full of confetti, all the while whistling "Sweet Georgia Brown", then there's a place for you: 1930's Alabama. Also: one of 12 cities that are part of the AABA, starting in June.

Ahh, a league bereft of blacks and Argentinians... it's a dream come true. Frankly the opportunity to strike it rich in a regional all white basketball league is the only thing that could make Sean and I stop the unending money spigot that is a news commentary and political satire blog. But we've just got to practice our layups and set-shots. The white man has been oppressed for too long. Now whites will finally have something of our own.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 01.20

Monsanto's GMO Corn Linked To Organ Failure, Study Reveals
Worried that not enough of your food was either made of corn or sweetened to the point of tooth pain with high fructose corn syrup? Well, what would you say to those things if they were made with genetically modified corn that also caused your liver and kidneys to shut down? You probably wouldn't want to eat them, right? Too late, they're already on the market, having been deemed by Monsanto to be safe after a 90 day study. Ah well, everyone in this country is either going to die of obesity or a recession related alcohol problem. Why not have dangerous mutant corn help speed us on our way into Jesus' loving embrace?

An Epidemic of Fear: How Panicked Parents Skipping Shots Endangers Us All
Since Sean and I are both the proprietors of These Bastards, the web's number one parenting and child rearing blog, we have a duty to speak out to all you moms and dads out there who look to us for advice on vaccinating their child. DO IT!!! What the fuck, are you fucking insane or something? What's wrong with you?! Yes, of course vaccinate your little snot nosed brat. If not for its sake than for the sake of everyone else's child or, more importantly, for my sake. I'm not catching air herpes just because you think Jenny McCarthy is a credible medical source. Scientific studies are showing just how dangerous it is when people don't get vaccinated. You remember science, right? It's what we listen to in the 21st fucking century. Vaccinate your little puke before everyone dies of the mumps or the goddamn ass spewing plague.

U.S. Military Weapons Inscribed With Secret 'Jesus' Bible Codes
Pop quiz. When you've got Mommar al Raghead in the sites of your sweet ass fucking sniper rifle and you're about to plunge a hollow point into his jugular at such force that it'll cause his head to pop off his shoulders like a goddamn NASA space launch, do you prefer your rifle scope is inscribed with a reference to Corinthians 4:6, John 8:12, something from Matthew, or Revelations? Which one do you think personifies the faith you live by while shooting the shit out of America's enemies? Which one would Jesus put on his sniper scope? You don't have to come up with an answer now, I'll let you think it over.

US Military BitTorrent Users Targeted By MPAA/RIAA
Just a word of warning to our soldiers overseas: if you think that just because you're fighting in a warzone you can download the new Vampire Weekend album or the Hurt Locker from a torrent site, well think again motherfucker. The MPAA and RIAA will be on your ass with a lawsuit so fucking fast it'll make you wish the insurgents would stop attacking you long enough for you to deal with this petty, tin eared, shortsighted legal bullshit. If you want to watch a movie, you go to the goddamn Kandahar Blockbuster and you rent in on the level, Mr. Army Guy. Freedom to steal movies isn't one of the freedoms you're fighting for. They MPAA and RIAA will see you in the courtroom, you fucking amoral, shiftless crooks. That'll teach you to serve in a godforsaken desert hellhole.

Help Wanted
Pop quiz 2. If you had to guess the number of Obama Administration appointees still languishing in the Senate confirmation process after one full year because of Republican holds, delays, and filibusters, what would your guess be? Did you guess 177? Because that's what it is. 177 positions, from TSA head to head of the Office of Legal Counsel to the director of the International Bank for Reconstruction and Development to any number of officials that run agencies responsible for security, foreign policy, diplomatic, and defense are unfilled because of petty Senate bullshit. That's over a 100 more unfilled positions than at the end of Dubya's first year. Just in case you needed a reminder: we are governed by adults. I'm sure this situation will improve dramatically now that Republicans have 41 Senators, right Massachusetts?

Video of the day

As the world has turned into an incredible dirge of suffering, there is one thing and one thing only that can pull mankind out of its depression: bizarre Japanese commercials for talcum powder that espouse a manly man ethos and star Charles Bronson. Mandom. It evens sounds manly.

Warning: watching all the commercials might cause your testicles to descend even further and put a patch of hair on your chest so thick you'll need a wheedwhacker to trim it. Also: you might turn gay. Because these are also kind of gay.

I hate you, Democrats

Sen. Claire McCaskill (D...ipshit-Missourah), fresh off he intellectual treatise on how passing legislation is hard and stuff, adds her voice to the chorus of idiot Democrats who think the best solution is to make sure that they royally piss off the last two remaining people who have faith in them and that the lesson of last night's loss is that quitting is the best option.

"As I said to somebody last night:, everybody needs to get the Washington wax out of their ears and listen and pay attention that people out there believe that we are going too far, too fast," McCaskill told POLITICO.

Yes, because if there's one thing that we've learned it's that the process surrounding the health reform battle that consumed nearly all of the year in an attempt to force some of the slightest and most incremental changes onto the health care system has been moving too fast and is trying to do too much. I know the one impression I've come away with in the health care fight is just the sheer speed of it all.

So there you are America, the lessons that a year long battle and a special election have taught us are that: hard work is hard, the glacial pace of the Senate is not slow enough, moving our health care system from about a 3 out of 10 to a 3.1 out of 10 is some gigantic leap that this country is unprepared to take, status quo uber alles, and that, when at all possible, doing nothing is the best option. Thanks for clearing that up Claire, I was worried there for a second that not enough Democrats were saying stupid shit and advocating for idiocy. Go sit in the shame corner with Barney Frank and Evan Bayh.

Culture of corruption

Since all the news of the day is going to be focused on the Massachusetts election and the ritual suicide pact that Democrats seem intent on enacting, it's time to focus on some good news. Unfortunately there isn't any. So...........

/twiddles thumbs
//whistles to self
///resists urge to self harm

Hey, did you hear the one about how 25% of Afghanistan's GDP is corruption related?

Half of all Afghan adults paid at least one bribe to a public official over the course of a year to cut through red tape or get help with poor service, the U.N. said Tuesday in a report that documents the extraordinary depth of corruption in Afghanistan.

Afghans paid nearly $2.5 billion (euro1.7 billion) in bribes -- worth almost a quarter of the country's GDP -- in the 12-month period ending last autumn.
...
Bribes were requested and taken by politicians, prosecutors, tax officers -- anyone with even the most modest level of power to yield, from the humblest clerk at the office in charge of driver's licenses to, by many accounts, the highest levels of government.

Most of the payments went to police, judges and other local officials, but Afghans were also asked to bribe teachers in public schools and doctors and nurses in government hospitals.

The average bribe comes out to around $160... in a country where the average yearly income is $500. I guess it all works out. You might have paid a Franklin and a Grant to get the really good penicillin from the doctor or to get the prosecutor to prosecute the man who stole your goats a little harder than usual, but you make it up on the back end by taking a few extra bucks to make sure you teach the kids all the letters of the alphabet and stop withholding information about fractions.

Only 9% of corruption gets reported, mostly because the officials charged with rooting out corruption are corrupt. But... I hear if you slip them a few bucks they'll look into those bribery charges. Hamid Karzai has pledged to combat this state of affairs (you know, before he tried to fix the election) but someone gave him an envelope that was a little light and thus various corruption bills have languished. On the bright side, Afghanistan ranks behind Haiti, Iraq, Myanmar, and Somalia on international corruption ranking. Then again, that's just because they paid a guy at the UN to move them down in the rankings.

So no, you don't get any good news today. All I can offer you is the fact that amongst the many problems in the country we just escalated and committed hundreds of additional billions and tens of thousands more troops in, one of them is the problem of corruption. And if you only focus on that, it seems like a comparatively minor problem that can be addressed. But only if you don't widen your focus or look at other things. I SAID DON'T WIDEN YOUR FOCUS!! Ah hell, you see what you did? You thought about all the other problems in Afghanistan and are now despairing. I warned you.

Headline of the day

Scott Brown Wins Mass. Race, Giving GOP 41-59 Majority in the Senate

Yeah, that seems about right. It helps when all elected Democrats seem to agree that they're in the minority now.

Everything is fucked, we're all going to die

As you may have heard, the voters of Massachusetts stood up in unison last night and said "It's probably better for this country if absolutely nothing gets done for the rest of the year" and put Scott Brown into their open Senate seat changing the balance of the Senate from 60-40 to 59-41, effectively allowing Republicans to succeed with the filibusters they do on every single bill. Apparently voters get mad when you can't fix the problems Republicans spent eight years creating in one year and thus feel the need to hand more power back to them to create even more problems and gridlock. Makes sense.

Were there any lessons learned? Yes, Ted Kennedy is a complete asshole for dying. Also, Massachusetts has a real "fuck you, I got mine" attitude towards public health care. Any positives? Well, Joe Lieberman and Ben Nelson are no longer the penultimate votes, so they'll probably no longer infuriate you with their childish demands. You also won't have to concern yourself with bills that get passed or learning new laws as none will be passed now.

But what does this mean for health care? Well there are a few options. One: hammer out a compromise bill and vote on it before Brown is seated. This is what's known as "what the Republicans would do", so of course the Democrats will not even attempt it. Second: the House passes the Senate bill. This would make sense and get this country to make some minor progress towards better health reform, but it would involve House progressives taking some sort of metaphorical political defeat and not allow them the delusion that their bill is all that different from the Senate version, so this will probably never happen. Third option: form a circular firing squad, despair as all hope is lost, get to the business of killing health reform dead, and cement the fact that you will lose horribly in November. Ding ding ding, I think we have a winner.

Yes, before Martha Coakley's body was even cold Democrats were out in full force trying to shoot off their feet, cave immediately, and commit political suicide. Barney Frank was out talking absolute shit about no being able to continue on the current health care path and engaging in some utter fantasy that Republicans will now be eager to join in and offer meaningful dialogue and compromise. Anthony Weiner was alternately saying health care reform should stop or that it should continue, but that he was opposed to voting for it and passing it. Jim Webb was all for letting health care come to a screeching halt and so was Evan Bayh, who took additional time to blame this on liberals who didn't win one single battle in the health care fight against middling "centrist" douches like him.

Gee, sure looks like we're going to get a health care bill real soon. So the conventional wisdom is that quitting and doing nothing, pivoting to some nebulous jobs bill that no Republicans will support, looking incredibly weak, and generally getting nothing done is the only way that they'll be able to save their own hides. Well, who can argue with the political acumen of the Democratic party. I mean they're so often right and prone to picking the most successful path. I'm sure this will all work out for them. Because there's nothing this country likes more than quitting, weakness, and failure.

Congrats on completely fucking up, Democrats. Not passing health care reform is the final step and you seem well on your way to doing it. Thanks for the memories, it sure was a great year. I'll remember to act surprised when you all lose your jobs in November.

Broken In Brief: Unopened George W. Bush Presidential Library Burns Down

LEWISVILLE, TX--For the first time in exactly one year, tragedy befell the administration of the 43rd US president, as the George W. Bush Presidential Library burned to the ground overnight.

Set to become the nation's thirteenth presidential library, the facility had its temporary home in the small city of Lewisville while the permanent George W. Bush Presidential Center was constructed at Southern Methodist University in Dallas.

Sources close to the former president say he has been truly shaken by this turn of events.

"He's heartbroken," said the source who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Both books in the catalog burned along with the rest of the library. And the worst part? President Bush had only finished coloring one of them."

According to fire marshal Bo Stafford, both the skee-ball machine and the whack-a-mole game have been damaged beyond repair, with little hope for the the ticket redemption booth or the menagerie of stuffed animals and foam cowboy hats.

These tragic losses aside, the board was happy to announce that no Presidential papers or documents had been lost in this fire, as they had already been misplaced during a previous unrelated dumpster fire behind Dick Cheney's house in early January, 2009.

Early word is that even after the insurance money is collected, no attempt will be made to rebuild the library. Instead, the former president has commissioned a new George W. Bush Presidential Library Memorial Grill Pit at his ranch in Crawford.

Public Service Announcement - 1.19.10

To Whom It May Concern,

Roughly 52% of Massachus... uh, Massachusettuns... Massachusettanians? Fuck it, roughly this portion of the population of Massachusetts! Yeah, that's it. All those people can eat shit and die in a fucking fire. Enjoy 59/41, you obstructionist pricks.

As you were,
Sean

Art of the day

In these harsh time it is important to pause and take stock in what is truly important......... giant art installations about cartoon shows from my youth. Specifically He-Man art installations inside a giant replica of Castle Greyskull. What, did you think I was going to say Haiti?

Under The Influence: Masters of the Universe Tribute Art Show is currently running at Gallery 1988 in LA until the end of the month.

Todd Slater "Alen Oppenheimer"

Brian McCarty "Fall Of Stratus"

Kiersten Essenpreis "Skeletor Gets A Root Canal"

Alex Pardee "Beastman"

Broken News: Solemn Vigils do not Mark 364th Day of Darkness

Above: Morning call to prayer at Yankee Stadium

OBAMERICA--Millions across the nation were constitutionally barred from gathering today to mark the 364th day of unending darkness brought about by the ascendancy of the iron-fisted Kenyan Islamofascist Socialist dictator Barack Hussein Obama (praise be unto him).

Tomorrow will mark the one-year anniversary of His Righteousness' (bless his name) illegal seizure of the great nation formerly known as [name redacted by Ministry of Information], as well as the summary execution of all peaceful, God-fearing Americans.

"I'll never forget where I was on that fateful day," remarked one anonymous denizen of this troubled land. "It was just after morning prayer. I was engaged in some routine free market capitalism when I stopped to clean my gun in front of the television..."

This brave ex- [former nationality redacted] fought back tears as s/he recalled the S.S. (Socialist Squad) kicking down the door and conducting the standard Obamanization protocol with which we are all now familiar.

"I... I just don't understand why they had to use a shampoo bottle. What's the symbolism there?"

Given the laws, enacted on the same day as the inauguration of Obama (God's love be upon him), outlawing public assembly, free speech and the worship of any deity who is not our Supreme Leader (blessings to his name and testicles), no rallies were scheduled or media campaigns enacted.

Despite all of this, there seems to be some small sliver of Hope (TM) amongst those who wish for nothing other than a safe place to raise, arm and educate their children. A small online community hosted on offshore servers has sprung up. With close to two dozen members, the organization represents the largest challenge to-date of Supreme Leader Obama's (smiles and ass-ticklings of the afterlife all over his sweet, sweet ass) uncontested power.

Speaking from an undisclosed location, Rahm Emanuel, Director of Ideological Oneness, seemed unconcerned with this perceived threat.

"Our fearless and peerless Leader, may the heavens rinse and gargle before tonguing his taint, has long known of these nonbelievers. Rest assured, this battle station is now the ultimate power in the universe."

"But perhaps I've alluded to too much," he grimly intoned, pressing the button on his Blackberry that activates the anal electroshock implants in government opponents, as per the statute secretly added to the Cash for Clunkers program.

Despite all the feckless wailing of those who will soon be crushed by our President (oh, how he walks among us like a sex God amongst infertile ants), most have come to recognize the necessity of such actions.

"It has been 'explained' to me and I have now come to realize that these measures are for my own benefit," observed Barack HX77A1NR-B Obama, retrained and renamed in accordance with Operational Directive 6-C at the Pert Plus Re-education and Knowledge Camp in Atlanta.

But while these sparse vigils, which the government notes are like the buzzing of flies to our leader (may his hair continue to retain its shine, thickness and avoid any daily build-up), mark the last vocal remnants of opposition to the unending darkness, we are Constitutionally required to claim that everyone else is in full accordance with the New Ways.

"Yes... things are better now than was ever before conceived of by humanity," said an unidentified human female, who asked that her name and any identifying descriptions be withheld in case she had not praised the government sufficiently in accordance with the Tolerance Protocols.

Human female was quick to note the fun surrounding the mysterious disappearance of the bones of everyone who worked at Fox News, the banning of tea bags, and how Noam Chomsky had replaced Dora on Dora the Explorer as some of the many positive boons of the New Ways.

"I still don't understand why they had to do that whole shampoo bottle bit to a cartoon character. No one has ever really explained that," she finished.

In the end, these vigils are merely blips on the radar of the Kenyan's (oh how we are unfit to even praise Him) continued glorious subjugation of the free people of the former [redacted]. Sources close to the government declare that forces are moving to deal with these "blips" before morning prayers are blasted from the spiral minarets that have been erected in each local commune and that they will soon be just another fast-fading memory.

Oh praise be unto His unending reign.

Congress brings the funny

Ahh, the Google "I can't believe the information suppressing and spying government of China tried to suppress information and spy after we built them a system to help them suppress information and spy" hissy fit. How could Google have ever foreseen a future in which China wouldn't be content to merely partake in the OK kind of spying and censorship that Google was fine with and move into the bad kind of spying and censorship that Google doesn't like?

But there is much humor to be mined from the situation. Much of it gallows humor over freedom and the ridiculously naive praise Google seems to be getting for standing up to China... after spending years enabling and helping China. But in an article about the Google-China showdown, our own government decided to bring the irony with all the subtlety of a knee to the groin.

The Google-China flap has already reignited the debate over global censorship, reinvigorating human rights groups drawing attention to abuses in the country and prompting U.S. politicians to take a hard look at trade relations. The Obama administration issued statements of support for Google, and members of Congress are pushing to revive a bill banning U.S. tech companies from working with governments that digitally spy on their citizens.

So... Google can't work with the US government? Ah well, it's for the best. Google needs to be affiliated with as few shady governments as possible. There's been too much bad press already.

Who could have foreseen?

I don't want to alarm you, but it seems that illegal spying activities might have taken place in America... in the name of fighting terrorism! New ones, I mean. Not the old ones you already knew about. No, now you have more illegal wiretapping to get mad about, then get madders still when nothing is done about it, before you finally just accept the realities of the country you live in and try to block out the shame with gin and back episodes of Lost. Good times!

The FBI illegally collected more than 2,000 U.S. telephone call records between 2002 and 2006 by invoking terrorism emergencies that did not exist or simply persuading phone companies to provide records, according to internal bureau memos and interviews. FBI officials issued approvals after the fact to justify their actions.

E-mails obtained by The Washington Post detail how counterterrorism officials inside FBI headquarters did not follow their own procedures that were put in place to protect civil liberties. The stream of urgent requests for phone records also overwhelmed the FBI communications analysis unit with work that ultimately was not connected to imminent threats.

Using a shroud of terror fear to break laws, molest civil liberties, spy, and rummage through the last remnants of America's privacy that it hadn't posted on Facebook or drunk texted to an ex? Here, let me drag over this fainting couch and dramatically swoon onto it. The appearance of shock is important, people are watching.

So add "more FBI wiretapping and spying abuses" along with "3 Gitmo murders plus a cover-up" to the ever expanding list of things titled Shit That Will Never Ever Be Prosecuted. Actually, it's not so much a list as it is a short novel. Because going after this stuff would be "looking backwards, not forwards" and besides, these were just one time events and although these one time events seem to happen repeatedly we assume the one time lapses that allowed these one time abuses have been probably fixed. Nothing to worry your pretty little head over.

OH SHIT, THE NUKES ARE IN THE AIR! RUN FOR COVER!!!

Today the Washington Times has a lovely new article up giving us all a new sneak preview of our new serious, adult foreign policy discussion that will soon grip our elected and media betters: oh sweet fuck, Iran lied and has been working on THE BOMB and those fuckers are going to be able to nuke us any second now, KILL KILL KILL, BOMB BOMB BOMB, WAR WAR WAR.

But before we start ramping up the scholarly articles that will soon arrive talking about how to save the Iranian people and support the nascent Iranian protest movement we must bomb the everliving fuck out of them and lamentations that our un-negro dialected Muslim President is insufficiently willing to start a new war and protect the homeland, those gentile souls at the Cato Institute point out that there always seems to be a theme in intelligence estimates of Iran's nuclear capabilities.

“Late 1991: In congressional reports and CIA assessments, the United States estimates that there is a ‘high degree of certainty that the government of Iran has acquired all or virtually all of the components required for the construction of two to three nuclear weapons.’ A February 1992 report by the U.S. House of Representatives suggests that these two or three nuclear weapons will be operational between February and April 1992.”

“February 24, 1993: CIA director James Woolsey says that Iran is still 8 to 10 years away from being able to produce its own nuclear weapon, but with assistance from abroad it could become a nuclear power earlier.”

“January 1995: The director of the U.S. Arms Control and Disarmament Agency, John Holum, testifies that Iran could have the bomb by 2003.”

“January 5, 1995: U.S. Defense Secretary William Perry says that Iran may be less than five years from building an atomic bomb, although ‘how soon…depends how they go about getting it.’”

“April 29, 1996: Israeli prime minister Shimon Peres says ‘he believes that in four years, they [Iran] may reach nuclear weapons.’”

“October 21, 1998: General Anthony Zinni, head of U.S. Central Command, says Iran could have the capacity to deliver nuclear weapons within five years. ‘If I were a betting man,’ he said, ‘I would say they are on track within five years, they would have the capability.’”

“January 17, 2000: A new CIA assessment on Iran’s nuclear capabilities says that the CIA cannot rule out the possibility that Iran may possess nuclear weapons. The assessment is based on the CIA’s admission that it cannot monitor Iran’s nuclear activities with any precision and hence cannot exclude the prospect that Iran may have nuclear weapons.”

And on and on and on. Iran is perennially one year away from gaining the bomb! Hell, even the new season of 24 has President Goodarab of the Islamic Republic of Genericstan *wink**wink*Iran*wink**wink**wink* one year away from the bomb and engaged in negotiations with the US to halt their program. It somehow all involves Jack Bauer caving a dude's chest in with a axe, Starbuck, and Freddie Prinze Jr., but they are negotiations nonetheless.

So before you whip yourself into a total war froth, just remember: Iran is one year away from the bomb, because Iran will always be one year away from the bomb. Two decades from now Iran will be one year away from the bomb. I know it'll feel really good to do a couple of bombing runs on Tehran in order to support Mousavi, or whatever reason it is our political betters will be advocating for, but let's remember that.

Same old, same old

It's hard to notice the battle going on over financial reform, what with our attention focused on the two most important issues of the day: the Tonight Show battle and various old white men coming up with new ways to say "fuck those darkies." But it seems that financial reform is going to go the way of health reform and the stimulus, where the bill starts off in a weak compromised position, is further compromised and weakened in an attempt to placate industry complaints, and is finally completely gutted when a hugely popular initiative that also serves as the most effective part of the reform is killed because it just benefits regular people a little too much.

The new shiny toy that Americans are deemed too childish to ever be allowed? The Consumer Financial Protection Agency. Because why would consumers need protection from financial companies? But at least one person is sounding the alarm bells and waving red flags: Elizabeth Warren.

Under pressure from big banks fighting hard to kill or weaken it, senators are said to be discussing downgrading the CFPA from an independent agency to something less than that.
...
"The CFPA is the best indicator of whether Congress will reform Wall Street or whether it will continue to give Wall Street whatever it wants," she told Reuters in an interview.
...
The problem is that a strong CFPA directly threatens the banks' ability to sell confusing, deceptive, fee-heavy financial products that generate huge profits, Warren said.
...
"Right now we're writing the final chapter in this story. It will show whether we're going back to the first move, letting the industry write the rules again, or whether the crisis actually changed something."

One does appreciate the lengths with which Warren is going to explain that an independent government organization with power to regulate and shield Americans from abusive subprime mortgages, credit default swaps, and other noxious shit that the financial industry used to loot money out of the general public... is a good idea. It's just a damn shame she's doing it with logic and a sense that what she's saying is obvious to anyone with a functioning brain.

That's not the way government works. See one person yells "I have an obvious good idea that clearly helps our current situation", then business yells "But, but, but... profits"and then our elected betters decide that to err on the safe side they better listen to big business and, hell, just let them write the regulations in the first place.

So let's see, on one side we have a smart woman who has been at the forefront of this crisis warning people about the various dangers swirling around and advocating for serious, common sense measures to protect the country from falling into the same economic trap. On the other side we have the people who caused this mess, arguing that the status quo must be maintained so that they can cause all the same problems again. Gee, I wonder who will win that battle?

Still, nice try Elizabeth. Try not to gloat too hard when we fall into the same financial canyon again and the whole "who could have foreseen" wailing starts up again.

Good morning, here's Bill Hicks wishing Jay Leno dead

I all the hubbub over NBC late night and which guy making $50 million a year we're supposed to have pity on and feel really, really sorry for, there is at least one conclusion America has come to: Jay Leno is kind of a massive douche. A massively unfunny douche. But there was someone who always knew that and was trying to tell people that when the Leno Tonight Show first started out: Bill Hicks.