Today in Jeebus

You know that feeling you get when you're in church? You know, that extra religious and spiritual feeling that causes you to think that some armed psychopath will bust through the stained glass window with an uzi halfway through the sermon and that you'll be unable to defend the congregation because OOH WON'T THE GOVERNMENT GET OFF THE WORKING MAN'S BACK AND ALLOW GUNS IN THE CHURCHES!!!!

Well Booby Jindal and the state of Louisiana have heard your prayers.

Gov. Bobby Jindal has signed into law one of the more controversial bills from the recent legislative session, one allowing guns to be carried into houses of worship.

Now if you think the homily is so good you could bust a cap, you can.

Unfortunately the man still doesn't want to allow rifles and assault weapons into church, to say nothing of bayonets. Still, if you go to a decent enough church you'll still be able to bring your army issue M-16 with bayonet to the obstacle course out back, where you'll be able to run through the rope course, crawl under barbed wire while Sister Agnes fires live rounds over your head, then you crawl through the stream, run through the tire obstacles, and finish by bayoneting a sandbag representation of the devil or Martin Luther.

As Jesus said in the Book of Armaments, "Fucking Christ, does that guy have a knife? No? I could have swore that he did. Look, I'm not feeling safe up here. Thomas, Philip, one of the James', bring a big fuck off spear next time. You know, to scare the riff-raff into silence during the beatitudes and keep the freaks from touching me. So sayeth the Lord."

But if you already have your fill of violence and Jesus, may I interest you in sex and Jesus? No no, you have Playboy Portugal to thank.

It's how I always pictured the Lord would look... cavorting with nude models in a magazine spread. Most times this would be relatively blasphemous and offensive, but this marks the least offensive sexual thing Jesus and the Church have been involved in over the past decade. Plus it makes His whole operation seem so less child molesty and rife with closeted gays and guys who prostitute out the Vatican choir. This is a tremendous step up for Christianity.

Larry Flynt: Patriot

There are many celebrities stepping forward with varied plans to help combat the Gulf oil spill. We all know about Kevin Costner's plan and that James Cameron offered up his help, but we've heard very little from the pron/smut community. Until now.

Enter Larry Flynt, patriot and pornographer, who has his own solution: he wants one of Louisiana's Senators to employ the perversion that he used to engage in with hookers to help clean up the Gulf. Let us hear him out.

Dear Senator Vitter:

Forgive me for intruding on your valuable time. I know you are a very busy man, especially in regards to the current problems in the Gulf of Mexico. But that's exactly what I want to talk to you about. I concur that everybody must do their part to solve this serious catastrophe. And that's where I think you, in particular, can be of so much help.

As I understand it, you have some expertise regarding diapers. I have no idea how many diapers you actually have on hand (quite a collection from what I hear) but as you know, diapers are quite absorbent. So, when it comes to blocking the oil that's gushing into the Gulf, they might be a very effective way of solving that problem. With that in mind, I urge you to donate your extensive diaper collection to BP so they can use them to stop the leak by creating, for want of a better term, a giant "plug."

It could be a historic moment: An ecological disaster thwarted. And you'll get the credit for it. In fact, when people hear the word "diaper" they will automatically think of you. Hell, they already do.
Please don't piss away this golden opportunity.

Sincerely,

Larry Flynt
Publisher
Hustler

Flynt continues “Senator Vitter has gone on record claiming that the oil spill in the Gulf is ‘too big of an endeavor’ for one company. Accordingly, in an effort to protect the coastlines and marshes on the Gulf Coast, I am asking Senator Vitter to use the personal articles that he’s best known for to aid in the relief. His experience in the discipline of ‘spills’ is unprecedented.”

We would like to commend Flynt for this suggestion and the initial work he engaged in to expose Vitter and the DC prostitution ring. We hope Senator Vitter takes Larry up on the offer. It's not like reminding people of your shady sexual past and your hypocrisy would actually cause you to slip below 50% in the polls LOUISIANA WHAT THE FUCK? At the very least you could towel down a few pelicans. Think about it.

Not the time, David

Yesterday we learned about the poor, poor BP executives, the hardships they're going through, and how Americans are callously withholding their sympathy for shitbags who cause oil spills.

Sure, having a BP CEO tell us we should lay off and stop hating them so much is one thing, but where is one of our elected betters to tell us that same thing and hamper any attempt to make BP liable for this? Surely there must be one asshole who is so completely bought and paid for by an oil company that he cannot help himself and starts pushing to help out BP. Anyone? Anyone? What's that, Louisiana Senator David Vitter? You say you don't want to be Senator anymore? Continue.

What happens when you're a small government, pro-business conservative and your state gets pummeled by one of the worst man made disasters ever – not five years after getting pummeled by one of the worst natural disasters (Hurricane Katrina)? If you're Louisiana Senator David Vitter, you double down on offshore drilling and push for a liability cap for BP.

Doubling down on drilling is not particularly surprising. Much of Louisiana's much-needed revenue comes from off-shore drilling leases. “By the same token, after every plane crash, you and I should both oppose plane travel,” Vitter quipped on Sunday to CNN's Candy Crowley. “I don't think that is rational.”
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But it's Vitter's early support of a liability cap – he introduced legislation that he promoted in last weekend's weekly GOP radio address – he introduced legislation that he promoted in last weekend's weekly GOP radio address – that's landing the son of a Chevron petroleum engineer in trouble.

Nicely played. For the last month a busted offshore oil rig has been pouring seemingly every drop of oil in the earth into the Gulf and is in the process of ruining large parts of your state, which -if you remember- is Louisiana. So of course now is the proper time to start bitching about people who suddenly don't think offshore drilling is such a great idea, 1) because the safety procedures seems so lax, and 2) because there seems to be know way to stop the oil if one breaks. Don't forget to try to limit the amount the responsible party has to pay out in damages. I mean, why should BP be responsible for all the oil BP spills and all the costs relating to all the oil they spilled? That's madness.

It's a nice "Idiot provides opponents, opposing party, and constituents with gun, fish, an barrel during re-election campaign" story. Usually politicians aren't that stupid, especially when somehow they've been able to survive the whole "Moral crusader gets famously busted for buying hookers"/Bayou whoremaster thing. But I guess BP has given him rather a lot of money over the years and he feels he owes them. Vitter is, of course, getting pilloried by anyone with a microphone in Louisiana.

So here's TB election tip #132b: During this election season, maybe you don't want to go out of your way to publicly call for more offshore drilling and attempt to legally protect corporations from paying for all the damage they've caused. It may be unpopular with people who like coasts and water that's mostly comprised of, uh, water.

Picture of the day

Now that we know the happy fact that it's basically "top kill" or months of oil flowing into the sea and now that the disaster has officially been named "the worst in US history", the Big Picture blog brings us a look at what environmental devastation has already occurred.

It is, of course, damage that is happening to Louisiana. Always willing to take the brunt of an disaster they are. West Virginia is thinking of contracting out a few mine collapses to them.

As always, click to embiggen

Dance for your relief money! DANCE!!!!

If there's one thing I love about this country, it's how our political betters can take any tragedy, whether near or averted, and rise to the occasion... of using it in a completely petty way to make cheap political attacks and possibly hinder relief efforts.

Take for instance, the averted Times Square bombing. Instead of praising law enforcement for catching the man, civilian vigilance for pointing out the bomb, or noting how we're seeming to gets tons of information out of the guy, the GOP seems content to whine about stripping said terrorist of every right he has (except the right to bear arms) and informing would be terrorists of the world that all we are is lucky and that better planned attacks could easily get through because Democrats are weak. Classy.

But Republicans aren't the only ones to engage in this type of behavior. Take the recent decision by BP to replace water in the Gulf of Mexico with oil. As the oil slick menaces the shores of Louisiana, it would be prudent to extend to them certain federal protections, declarations of emergency, and relief, right? Even if the state is run by a Republican hypocrite who rages against federal money usage and government spending right up until the point where he needs a couple bucks? What? No? Fuck him? Well played.

In Louisiana, Gov. Bobby Jindal (R) has been a vocal critic of federal spending under President Obama, but as the state closest to the undersea leak, he already has requested various forms of federal disaster assistance. He's also anticipating the possibility that British Petroleum either won't, or won't have to under the law, foot the the full cost of all the damages associated with the spill.

Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ) took a swipe at Jindal when I asked during a brief interview this week if Congress was considering any funding to add to what BP will do. "Well you know, here we go. You know, the governor of Louisiana says the federal government should stay out of the state's business," Menendez told me Tuesday night.
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"There is not the appetite for [and aid supplemental] right now," a House Democratic leadership aide told me bluntly in an interview. What's more, lawmakers don't view this as anything like the Katrina fallout since so much of the region's infrastructure had been wiped out and so many people were displaced.

Oooh, bet Jindal wishes he hadn't bashed the stimulus now.

It's just nice to know that in times of crisis this country's elected leaders can come together to put the screws to someone in an attempt to look good politically in an election year because that someone tried to put the screws to them in an attempt to look good politically in an election year. Except the part where this is an massive environmental disaster and not some simpleton yelling bullshit about The Socialism. Ah well, I'm sure Louisiana can take one for the team. They probably won't notice what with the Super Bowl celebrations still going on. They're good like that. Maybe David Simon will do an episode of Treme about it.

Slap iron with the Lord

What's been our biggest fear ever since Obama was elected. Besides him stealing the white man's shit to give it to black people. Besides socialism. Besides him flaunting his Kenyan birth. Besides him letting Joe Biden use adult scissors.

That's right, Obama's jackbooted thugs kicking open the door to a church, dragging Jesus out in handcuffs, and tossing him in a jail cell to rot. Well, no more. You hear me Obama! NO MORE! Jesus will be protected!

Louisiana state Rep. Henry Burns (R) has introduced a bill in the Louisiana House that would allow churches to institute a "security plan" enabling congregants with concealed weapons permits to carry guns into churches and temples.

According to a Burns spokesperson, "we buy fire extinguishers in case there's a fire," and allowing churchgoers to carry concealed is just the "final stage of security" for places of worship.

House Bill 68 would allow a church or temple to authorize an unlimited number of congregation members to bring their guns into church, according to the individual church's own guidelines.

Glad to see there's not some pressing matter lapping at Louisiana's shores. Good to see that the elected betters of the state are able to move forward with this priority.

Let's just add church to the list of places where people feel that they are in danger of having someone goad them into an actual dick measuring contest and they feel the need to flash iron to avert a certain loss. That makes it Obama speeches, tea parties, bars and restaurants that serve alcohol, national parks, trains, schools, colleges, and... anywhere... without a permit to the myriad of news places where guns are viewed as needed. Why yes, that last example was from Arizona. Thanks for asking.

So now you concerns of "What if I'm reading Paul's letters to the Thessalonians and Gungans... and a pitched, John Woo style gun battle breaks out? Will the man finally let me legally whip out a glock and fire back?" have finally been addressed. Though only in Louisiana. Everywhere else the Lord is still in danger of taking a hollow point in the cross. We can't allow that to happen. He already used up His one resurrection.

Still, stay vigilant. I hear there's a plot that involves a man of Middle Eastern heritage showing up in flowing white robes and telling the faithful of how the end is nigh. That's when you're going to have to pull out the guns and tell him NOT ON OUR WATCH! Then it'll be safe for the blonde-haired, blue-eyed Jesus to safely come take us all up to Heaven.

Map of the day

Good news everyone! You know that giant oil slick that's menacing the gulf coast? It's five times bigger than had been initially estimated! In a handy little infographic, the New York Times shows the size of the oil slick and just what exactly it is menacing.

As you can see the area in which they're going to hold the deep sea fish fry in is laughably small compared to the entirety of the problem. It is the textbook definition of pissing in the wind.

However it is nice to see Louisiana and New Orleans being sufficiently threatened again. If you think about it, the Louisiana coast has been dodging natural disasters for years, emerging completely unscathed. It's only right that a man-made threat balances things out a bit.

click to embiggen

In a larger version of the graphic the NYT also is kind enough to show us which animals will no longer exist by Wednesday of next week. Shame about the prospects for the Brown pelican. I know it just came off the endangered species list and just started breeding in the area, but someone has to pay for the US making an insignificant dent in our foreign oil dependence. Plus, everyone hates pelicans, right? Same with the reddish egret and spotted duck. If mother nature wanted them to survive, she would have had them evolve a natural immunity to man made oil rig leaks. I'm sad to hear that the Gulf is the only spawning grounds for the bluefin tuna. Ah well, gives all those tuna cans with the phrase 'packed in oil' a hilarious new meaning.

So take heed, America. You may have just eaten your last bluefin tuna, spotted egret, and oyster from the Louisiana area for the foreseeable future. On the other hand, BP is at least profiting off the fact that global oil prices are rising because of increased global oil scarcity resulting from things like this leak/gushing tide of black marine death. Maybe they can put those billions into maybe cleaning up the spill a little fucking faster or buying some new lobbyists to even further oppose environmental and offshore drilling safety standards. Either/or.

I just hope that experts take the lessons they've learned and apply them to the newly OK'd offshore Cape Cod wind farm. This country doesn't want and can't afford any dangerous wind spills.

Quote of the day

We're all enthralled by the possibility that a porn star might do battle with a serial hypocrite and bayou whoremaster for the Louisiana Senate seat that didn't get washed away by Hurricane Katrina. Oh sure we can giggle and snicker over the S-E-X parts, but where's the real political analysis of Stormy Daniels' chances against David Vitter? Why aren't we asking other porn stars what they think about her running?

Thankfully Politico stepped to the forefront to tackle that pressing question. While there are several generic supportive comments and a seeming threat from the porn Palin that she was going to run against the real Palin, the best political comments came from where they always come from: the gay porn industry.

Adult film star Owen Hawk sees a comparison between Daniels and Rep. John Boehner. "It's ironic that the people of Louisiana might elect a porn star to be their senator only to find her the second-most sprayed-tanned GOP representative."

"I think she'll make a great Republican,” said Hawk. “She's narcissistic and morally suspect."

Nicely snarked. You know, I think I'll Google his name and see if he's made any other political commentary. Just let me type it in, hit enter, and... yeah.... that's a lot of penises... not really up my ally... no discernible political content to this... is that Jeff Gannon... I think perhaps I should have added a "+politics" modifier to my search.

Anyway, I would call this article a roaring success. In the future I would recommend that all Politico articles have at least one quote from a gay porn star or political porn parody veteran. I mean Christ, they've got to have more sense or a better predictive track record than a guy like Bill Kristol. Plus they've probably prostituted themselves less as well.

Quote of the day

When last we left the state of Louisiana and it's 2010 Senate race it was expected that they would re-elect David "the Bayou Whoremaster" Vitter to the Senate despite that whole thing where he was deeply involved in paying hookers for sex and wearing diapers.... sexual diapers. Because whore-banging is a Conservative Christian value. But there was also a point in time where it seemed Vitter would be challenged... by porn star Stormy Daniels. Then there were a bunch of allegations of spousal abuse and a car bombing and she seemingly dropped out.

But know with tales of abusing her husband and maybe paying some dude to tie some C4 to her political consultant's car now firmly in the past, it looks like Daniels is back to challenge Vitter in the GOP primary, splitting the crucial swing votes of "people who like hypocrites who drill prostitutes" and "people who like porn-stars with an affinity for hand to hand combat and explosives". The Louisiana GOP is spitting (not swallowing) mad and lashing out at her and what must assuredly be the Democratic conspiracy behind it. Louisiana Democrats saw the ball lovingly lined up on top of it's tee and decided to take a good hard swing at it.

Kevin Franck, spokesman for the Louisiana Democratic Party, said neither the party nor the Melancon campaign recruited Daniels.

"If the Louisiana Republican Party is uncomfortable with a Republican challenger who has a history of selling sex, I would suggest they reconsider standing by an incumbent with a history of paying for it," Franck said in an e-mailed statement.

Gentlemen, I do believe that is game, set, and match.

Hope you kept your snorkels, New Orleans

One must marvel at the lengths our elected betters go sometimes to completely toady to their corporate donors. Take, for instance, Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu. As Senator for the beleaguered state she must know that any of the adverse effects of global warming and climate change will adversely effect her state. From floods, to heat, to extra powerful hurricanes, to New Orleans going under water a couple more dozen times, to Drew Brees pulling a hamstring, all of these are climate dangers that will specifically damage states like Louisiana.

On the other hand, she gets $1.5 million in donations of pro-pollution, anti-environmental sectors so, her hands are tied. So you can see why she's working so hard to make sure her state drowns.

Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.) told reporters Wednesday that she is working with Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) on Murkowski's efforts to block EPA from regulating greenhouse gases under the agency's current Clean Air Act powers.
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"I am considering that right now," Landrieu said when asked whether she backed Murkowski's plan. "I have been working with her on it."

Landrieu said she is not yet ready to announce anything but believes the Clean Air Act is not meant to be applied to carbon dioxide emissions.

Yeah, of course carbon dioxide isn't a pollutant that should be regulated by the Clean Air Act or the EPA. It's as obvious as the fact that the Earth was formed 6,000 years ago and the fact that I DIDN'T DESCEND FROM NO ORANGUTAN!!!!!!

You know you can kind of understand when congresspeople from South Dakota don't get all that thrilled about acting on climate legislation. Hell, it's not like South Dakota is going to be covered by melted ice cap water or hit by extra powerful hurricanes. South Dakota could take a direct meteor strike and the entire state would barely look different. In fact increased temperatures and a coastline that advances inland by a couple hundred miles would actually dramatically improve most of the Midwest. But for a Senator who represents a state that contains large chunks of population and infrastructure below sea level and is already vulnerable to extreme weather? It's almost completely indefensible.

On the other hand, $1.5 million is a lot of money. She probably made the right choice.