Broken News: News organization wants area man’s opinion for some reason

ALBANY—Chet Smith sat down last night to watch national news network CNN in an attempt to learn what had gone in the world that day and avoid conversation with his wife. But rather than sit and soak in the day’s event and avoid confronting mistakes which are rapidly approaching a 10th anniversary, Smith soon found that the network had drafted him into providing content and news for their broadcast.

“So, apparently they want my opinion on everything to be texted, phoned in, blogged, or tweeted at all times and on all subjects,” said Smith, quizzically. “Why? If I knew anything about the world I wouldn’t be sitting down at a TV to find out about it. Of what use is my opinion on the Israel flotilla raid to the greater public at large? Don’t they have experts they can tap for this kind of help?”

To further explain his lack of credentials, Smith produced a semester’s worth of poor grades from the local community college as well as documentation to note that he had dropped out.

“I was majoring in air conditioning repair,” the man said in a bewildered tone. “Even if I had mustered up the courage to get that Associate’s Degree in History or to not drop out, what are the odds I can offer up a cogent reaction to Middle Eastern politics that is even valuable enough to be worth reading as it speeds across the bottom of a screen, let alone have Wolf Blitzer single it out? What do I have to offer on the BP oil spill other than inchoate rage that someone ‘do something’, as if I even knew what that something is?”

“No,” Smith concluded. “It’s best I be left out of this news gathering operation. My notions, reckonings, and poorly shot amateur video of the neighbor’s wife are hardly a valuable component to the news.”

When notified that Mr. Smith would not be accepted their unsolicited offer to become an unpaid correspondent and content generator, Janelle Rodriguez, CNN Director of Programming, simply sighed and commented that “newsing is hard.”

She did however wish to extend the same offer to all other CNN viewers, noting that “24 hours was a lot of time to fill every day” and that their ill-informed notions on the day’s events combined with showing boring family photos and internet video memes was needed to fill up several hours of that block. She advised that people send in photos or videos of their family “beating the heat” or the network would be forced to use the news as a means to educate and inform rather than entertain.

“I don’t think that’s anything that anyone wants,” she grimly intoned. “So I better see at least 20 photos of cats in old-timey bathing suits and swimming caps by noon or so help me God, Christiane Amanpour will be doing a twelve part series on global geopolitics.”

"Don't make us analyze the Israel-Palestine conflict from all sides," she yelled, wagging a finger. "All sides!"

Confronted with the sad reality that he can no longer be allowed to watch something without becoming an active participant in it or have the mundane details of his life treated as if it had equal value with real news, Smith sighed, dug out his camera, and went to find the cat.

“It’s better this way,” he rationalized. “Knowing what was really going on probably just would have made me angry. Cat pictures are funny.”

According to a flash online poll of CNN viewers, taking into account text messages and Facebook posts, 78% of the viewing audience also agrees that cat pictures are funny.

The important questions

As asked by our friends at CNN


I'm going to go with spy. Clearly a spy. Hiding in plain sight on a stripper pole.

Actually, what with womens having all the new rights and privileges and stuff in this the 21st Century, I'm going to say she could very well be both. She's a multi-tasker.

Just a reminder, American Muslims: no there is nothing you can do in this country without large scale accusations of you being a terrorist, a terrorist-sympathizer, or symbolizing "teh choking of teh freedomz by teh encroaching moozlam menace!" Not even beauty pageants. Sorry.

Broken News: AMERICANS ARE DEAD IN HAITI!!!!!!!!

PORT AU PRINCE-In what was initially thought to be a minor geological event notable only for its proximity to the United States, reports made almost a week after the fact revealed something so shocking that America, and indeed the world, must now stand up and take notice.

According to reports filed by the US media, a minimum of 17 Americans were killed during the quake that may or may not have damaged areas outside of where these specific Americans were staying. Upwards of 5,500 Americans are also missing, feared dead as a result of events that we are now allowed to consider important.

“My God, the toll that has been wrought on America has been incalculable,” observed Red Cross spokesman Erica Paymer.

“Here we all were, thinking this was a minor curiosity of little importance that might allow for some pundit posturing or celebrity tax write-offs. But thanks to the vigilance of an American media that incessantly mentions 17 dead Americans, we now know the true toll of this horrific event.”

In addition to the dead Americans, there are also a number of other dramatic inconveniences to America as a result of the Haitian catastrophe. Initial reports point to a precipitous uptick in Wyclef Jean sightings, as well as some sort of correlation between the Haiti event and a decrease in backup supplies of food and water held by relief organizations.

In fact, several aid workers stationed in Miami noted that pallets of bottled water traditionally reserved for filling Super Soakers or moistening MRE’s consumed when nobody felt like driving to a nearby McDonald's had mysteriously disappeared.

Flights bound for Haitian resorts and connecting flights to other South American resorts have also been canceled due to an apparent increase in other kinds of airplanes flying into the Port-au-Prince airport for some as-yet undefined reason. But all of this pales in comparison to the hardships the earthquake has caused to cruise ships docking nearby.

“They cut our jet ski time in half and canceled the glass-bottom boat ride and never told us why,” lamented Helen St. Croix, a passenger on the Carnival Cruise Ship The Aristocrat. “Honestly, it was just a bit of ground rumbling, tragic though the deaths of those Americans were.”

“The worst bit was at the evening luau. We barely had enough local staff to dig the pig out of the fire pit and there weren’t nearly enough waiters. I had to get my mojito myself. You don’t think this earthquake thingy dingy affected people other than Americans… do you?”

This sense of dread seems to be growing more common amongst both the moneyed elite partying on the beach and those watching this tragic jet ski situation unfold back home. While most are content to believe that those brave, selfless dead Americans are the only story here, others are beginning to search for different story angles.

“You know, I keep trying to lead these searches for injured or missing Americans amongst these curiously piled heaps of concrete that seem to be everywhere. But all of these mocha-colored chattering and screeching obstacles keep getting in my way. I wonder what the hell they are,” wondered a puzzled Jim Ridgels, field correspondent for CNN Headline News. “It’s the damnedest thing.”

Others have more solid ideas about what is going on.

“I have come to learn that those annoying, intrusive figures Ridgels refers to are the native inhabitants of this island,” observed MSNBC journalist Stig Danforth. “Apparently they were also near the areas where American lives were claimed and were themselves also affected.”

“It is most important to realize that these swarthy humanoids are very much like us and deserve our compassion. That is why I have taken it upon myself to interject myself into their poorly organized rescue efforts. Viewers seem to like that I am helping these poor creatures. They're like children! Some might say ‘Stig, aren’t you just hampering these relief efforts in an attempt to gain face-time for yourself and taking away from the real story here?’ And to that I say, no. The story here is the dead Americans. The secondary story here is me and other enterprising journalists creating an air of goodwill for ourselves and filling airtime by being shown helping these poor, disadvantaged mud people that have been unfortunately drawn into this event.”

“Understand?,” he angrily finished.

But whether or not these stories of people other than Americans being affected are true or just the wanton exaggerations of fame-seeking journalists, one thing is clear: this is an uniquely American tragedy.

The country, for now, is expected to pay attention until such a time as stories of dead Americans stop coming out of this shapeless, faceless landmass which we don’t know the location of or are even completely sure exists. That, or until the Super Bowl kicks off. Whichever comes first.

Broken In Brief: Lou Dobbs sent to live on farm

ATLANTA--In the wake of Lou Dobbs' sudden departure from CNN, the network has struggled to spin the scenario in a positive light. Dobbs, who had been with the network since its inception in 1980, announced last night that he would be leaving his post as host and managing editor of Lou Dobbs Tonight, effective immediately.

While many media pundits suspect that Dobbs will walk out of CNN and directly into Fox News, Pravda, or simply shout racial epithets towards Mexico from across any number of bridges spanning the Rio Grande, a blood and mud-flecked network president Jonathan Klein read a brief statement earlier today attempting to clear the air.

"We would just like to put to rest any rumors of 'talent poaching', ideological infighting, or 'extreme horror at what this man had turned our network into' that have been circulating since Lou's announcement," Klein said, leaning against a rusty shovel caked in what appeared to be mud and brain matter. "We assure you neither of these are the case and that Mr. Dobbs has been sent to live with a kindly old couple in a farm upstate. We believe it is the same place where MSNBC sent Phil Donohue."

Contacted for clarification on this claim, Klein added, with a single tear sliding down his puffy cheek, "We're certain Lou will be much happier there, running frisky and free with other blowhards, discussing birth certificate conspiracies, and... and just enjoying all that fresh air. It's a family farm, no migrant or immigrant workers, which we all know is important to him. No, you cannot go and visit, as the farm is very far away. Just *sniff*, just let him rest in peace.....on the farm."

With that Klein wearily sat down, and sobbed a bit, offering up an odd remark on how he didn't know that running CNN would entail so much violence. He then proceeded to have his assistant inquire about seeking reimbursement for expenses relating to a bag of quicklime he had to purchase and the use of a personal tarp that had "been rendered unusable."

As of press time, Klein swore that Dobbs was probably sitting down to enjoy a nice supper with the kindly elderly couple. "On the farm."

Fare thee well, fat man

As you may have heard, you won't have Lou Dobbs to kick around anymore on CNN. Of course this is a tremendous blow to all our TV watching habits. Well, strike that, I don't know anyone who even watching a minute of his broadcast, even as a joke or on a dare. But this is a tremendous blow for...I don't know, our ability to get annoyed about what some TV blowhard said about Mexicans? But Lou wants you to know why he's leaving. No, it's not because he's an increasingly embarrassing liability to CNN. No, because he's bound and destined....for greater things.

“Over the past six months, it’s become increasingly clear that strong winds of change have begun buffeting this country and affecting all of us,” Dobbs said. “And some leaders in media, politics and business have been urging me to go beyond my role here at CNN and to engage in constructive problem-solving, as well as to contribute positively to a better understanding of the great issues of our day. And to continue to do so in the most honest and direct language possible.”
...
But in his farewell, Dobbs noted that major issues today are “defined in the public arena by partisanship and ideology rather than by rigorous empirical thought and forthright analysis and discussion” and vowed to work to "change that as best as I can."

How will he fight partisanship and ideology in his quest to engage in constructive problem solving? Probably by signing with Fox News by the time you get to the end of this sentence. But there is that hint that he is juuuuust deluded enough to try and make a run at politics on the national level, either in Congress or his much fantasized about presidential run. Well Dobbsy, you think your weird birth certificate theories combined with an abiding hatred of all things swarthy and Spanish makes you unique? We already have one of those guys: his name is Tom Tancredo. Also, Pat Buchanan. Actually, just about any Republican that represents a border state or is southern and really bent out of shape about blacks no longer being the socially accepted race to hate. Lou, you wouldn't even stand out from the pack.

Unfortunately Lou Dobbs thinks he is so smart and thoughtful and has so many great ideas and is going to solve partisanship with fanciful tales about how two Mexicans brought the ills of ideology over on a donkey, that he feels we deserve more of him in a more important role. Well, good luck to him. I hope it blows up in his face as badly as I think it will. My only hope is that CNN will find a sufficient replacement that coaches all his alleged business commentary with racist diatribes against Mexicans. Maybe they'll switch it up and give us a guy who really hates Asians and Indians (dot or feather). One can dream.

Broken In Brief: Twitter creator sorry that Twitter has given Ashton Kutcher additional fame

SAN FRANCISCO—Twitter creator Jack Dorsey publicly apologized today for the popular micro-blogging site's role in helping Ashton Kutcher retain his meager position on the outskirts of the public eye. The announcement, made in short 140 character bursts on Dorsey's personal Twitter feed, made it clear that he did not envision such a diabolical use of his invention when it was created.

“i would just like to aplgze 2 those who thought that punkd was the last they’d ever hear about kutcher,” Dorsey Tweeted through his personal account. “thought we were free and clr 1ce 70’s show canceled and movies bombd. was wrong. horrrbly wrong. 3,231,393 followers. no god. repeat: no god. had high hopes 4 this thing. now dashed on rocks of despair. @AplusK: stop, just stop. yr killing me.”

In a later press release, Twitter noted that it was sorry for promoting a “follower” battle between Kutcher and CNN, that it knows what it did was wrong, but that CNN shared most of the blame for devoting actual news time to the battle, getting caught up in the feelings of relevance it hadn’t felt in years, and treating the publicity stunt as though it were a news story of actual value.

“Again, we apologize, but we are not solely to blame, as at least 3 million people are complicit in this atrocity,” said the press release. “Can’t we all just forget about Kutcher and remember the good times Twitter has had? What about the Iranian thing? Wasn’t that great when we were being used as a news gathering and communication device for a revolution? What happened with that anyway? Please, our service can be used for so much more than the rampant promotion of a guy I'm not sure anybody even likes all that much. Seriously, think about it.”

These are kind of brutal

Rachael Maddow and Rick Sanchez interview two guys responsible for many of the "grassroots" efforts to stop health care reform, Tim Phillips of "Americans For Prosperity", who is there to tell you that massive corporate funding is the key to any grassroots protest, and "Conservatives for Patients’ Rights" founder Rick Scott, a man whose health care company defrauded the government to the tune of $1.7 billion. I'm guessing that after this, these two aren't going to be doing many more TV interviews.

Broken In Brief: Immigration officials arrest Lou Dobbs on questions of humanity

CNN anchor and xenophobic jackass, Lou Dobbs

EARTH—Immigration officials from the INS have arrested and begun deportation proceedings against CNN host Lou Dobbs over questions surrounding the TV and radio personality's status as a member of the human race. While Dobbs maintains a New Jersey residence and claims to have been born in Texas, the INS is reporting the discovery of evidence suggesting he is actually a native of the planet Vogsphere and therefore an undocumented immigrant.

This initial immigration sweep is part of the government’s newly unveiled Turnabout Is Fair Play (TIFP) initiative, wherein right-wing blowhards are subjected to the kinds of hearsay, fear mongering, half-assed conspiracies, deluded accusations, lack of intellectual rigor, and factual wastelands that they traditionally inflict upon the growing constituencies of their political enemies.

The evidence, first discovered on the internet and immediately dismissed as lunacy, claims that Dobbs is one of several alien Vogon agents posing as public figures while gathering intelligence on Earth and its people in preparation for the planet's complete destruction in order to make room for an interstellar highway. The documents go on to explain that Dobbs was cast out of Vogon society when, in 2006, the plump, pandering populist publicly distanced himself from the Republican Party. Nevertheless, he continues to monitor and occasionally influence news media.

TIFP team members were reportedly ecstatic at the revelation of this fraudulent material because it allowed them to charge Dobbs with being an illegal immigrant, a section of society the corpulent ape has railed against for years. What they were most excited about was the added benefit of charging him with being the member of a fictional species from a fictional solar system from a series of science fiction comedy novels, so as to more completely make a sarcastic point about the nature of his criticisms about President Obama’s country of origin.

Lawyers for Dobbs, who is said to be working on his third volume of poetry, did not return calls for comment on these charges.

We will consider this permission

Turns out my behavior can justifiably grow more atrocious as the economy worsens:

Across the country, authorities are becoming concerned that the nation's financial woes could turn increasingly violent, and they are urging people to get help. In some places, mental-health hot lines are jammed, counseling services are in high demand and domestic-violence shelters are full.

This is so much better than the "Sorry, I just quit smoking" excuse I pull two or three times a year. Time to revisit that To Kill list.