Silver linings

"Good news everyone!"

I know we're all worried about jobs and the economy. The former now that another 700,000 are likely to be added to the lazy peasant bread lines and decadent soup kitchen dinners that a couple million of our spoiled American brethren have been living like kings on lo these past months.

Don't worry. Because things are picking up.... for the assholes that ruined the economy in the first place.

While much of the country remains fixated on the bleak employment picture, hiring is beginning to pick up in the place that led the economy into recession — Wall Street.

The shift underscores the remarkable recovery of the biggest banks and brokerage firms since Washington rescued them in the fall of 2008, and follows the huge rebound in profits for members of the New York Stock Exchange, which totaled $61.4 billion in 2009, the most ever.

Warms the fucking cockles of your heart, doesn't it?

I'm just glad that we don't have to see sad, struggling, 26 year-olds who used to be making high six figures now scraping by on low six figures. Ordering house wines, ordering drinks by the glass instead of bottle service at the club, wearing off the rack Armani, and buying a BMW 128i. WE ALL KNOW THAT'S THE CHEAPEST MODEL BMW MAKES!

Things are getting better for them and I, for one, will sleep easier at night. I'm sure it's all going to come around soon for the rest of us.

Sorry to everyone whose sarcasm detectors I just broke.

Positive news? From the Gulf? Head...spinning...

OK, so the news out of the Gulf has been an unending dirge of depression and awfulness stewed in a sauce made of human tears. Drunk dolphins? Oh, the humanity.

But lest we be accused of only focusing on the negatives and only pillorying BP, let us announce that there is finally some semblance of good news: the entire BP Board of Directors and executive group has been gored to death by stray rhinos.

Wait, no. I mean we're finally getting towards that point where the oil spewing out underground is being fully collected. Sure that means there's still a shit ton of oil in the Gulf, but must you rain on everything? We're inching closer to a zero sum game. Given the way things have gone, that's a victory of almost Venezuelan election proportions.

BP captured 18,600 barrels of oil from its leaking Gulf of Mexico well yesterday, a 78 percent increase from the previous day and the most since the spill began in April.

BP increased the capture rate in the first 12 hours today, gathering a total of 12,500 barrels of oil, the company said on its website.

BP, based in London, plans to increase the recovery rate to 28,000 barrels a day next week and to 53,000 barrels a day by June 30, said U.S. Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen, the national incident commander. Allen spoke today during a conference call with reporters.

OK sure, the cloud to that silver lining is that estimates are that 35,000 to 60,000 barrels a day is leaking into the ocean and that might be a low estimate... but hey, that's still within a respectable distance of 100%. Think of it as a closest to the pin contest in golf. No one expects you to get a hole-in-one, so just put it close and hope Kevin Costner gets you the rest of the way home.

Good news eneryone

So what's the first thing you want to hear about a new BP strategy to collect all that oil that's everywhere there used to be water? Is it this?

BP's latest plan to capture the oil gushing from the runaway Deepwater Horizon well poses significant safety risks for "several hundred people" working aboard the ships that will process the corralled crude, the oil giant has told the Coast Guard.

Hmmm. Continue.

With so many vessels working in a relatively small area, Suttles wrote that there's a risk of a "major surface accident." Video of the site Sunday showed more than a dozen vessels on the scene; a jet of burning natural gas perhaps 200 feet long shot from one.

Ahh. Massive oil, oil fumes, ships, people, and fire collected in a small area. And, given BP's normal level of safety, combined with the surely cut rate level of safety that will be required of a hastily thrown together plan, as well as the fact that there's no properly tested or designed equipment to try this new plan, or that there's all the junk and garbage BP threw down the pipe floating around that could clog up this equipment, there's a larger than usual risk of explosion, death, and the Gulf turning into a oil and dead animal soaked inferno.

Eh. Is that actually going to make this situation even marginally worse? No. Onward with the dangerous plan. I hope everything doesn't explode. Though, given the planet's luck throughout this whole incident I'm expecting that this will somehow set the atmosphere on fire or accelerate global warming to the point where the ice caps are melted fully by August.

Money, money, money, money... mon-ey

In all this talk about the massive oil spill in the Gulf, too often the focus has been on things like the marine life, the coastal ecosystem, and the citizens of the Gulf Coast. Sure, a rare tern, whale or citizen of New Orleans covered in oil is a very sad thing, but will no one think of the poor oil company? What about BP? Think of their bottom line. This whole crisis must be putting a severe strain on their finances, right?

Not so much.

For now, at least, BP’s prodigious costs combating the oil spill in the Gulf are outweighed by prodigious profits.

On Monday, BP said it spent $350 million in the first 20 days of the spill response, about $17.5 million a day. It has paid 295 of the 4,700 claims received, for a total of $3.5 million. By contrast, in the first quarter of the year, the London-based oil giant’s profits averaged $93 million a day.

Oh thank God. I was worried there that this was going to cause additional blowback in the ivory backscratcher and yachting wear markets. Turns out the daily clean-up, payouts, buyoffs, and sadly comical failed attempts to actually stop gushing oil from flowing into the sea barely make a dent in their profits.

But I am worried about what will happen when they finally get the leak capped, sometime in 2011. I mean that's when the big cleanup costs will come due and BP might have to make due with only making a couple billion or so in profit for a quarter. They won't be able to write that shit off!

Just kidding, if someone other than the American taxpayer has to foot the bill, I'll die of shock. And even if they end up having to pay, say, $5 billion... like Exxon was ordered to after the Valdez tanker crash, they can just tie it up in court for decades before finally getting to the Supreme Court, where conservative justices 5-4 you down to a measly $507.5 million, like, say, happened to Exxon after the Valdez tanker crash. So don't worry about BP, it'll all work out for them in the end. It always does. $93 million a day.

Things you don't want to hear analysts say

When we all heard that Goldman-Sachs was being sued by the SEC for purposely selling bad products to its customers and betting against them, the reaction was mixed: we couldn't decide whether to laugh, pump our fists, high five the nearest bystander, yell "'bout fuckin' time", or just prepare for the inevitable disappointment when nothing of any importance happens to them as a consequence. We chose instead to wait outside Matt Taibbi's house for what we assumed would be one of the most exultant and joyous celebration keggers in recent memory.

Of course the SEC lawsuit caused them a hit in their stock price. Alleging massive fraud tends to do that. But not to worry, our financial betters see rosy clouds on the horizon and decided to state it in the most naked way possible:

Analysts Bullish On Goldman's Stock, Citing Political Relationships

Doesn't that headline just warm the cockles of your heart? Why does Fitch Ratings give Goldman an "A+" rating, FBR Capital Markets give a "Outperform" rating, Bernstein Research note that the bank's long-term potential remains "attractive", and Rochdale Securities said the stock is still worth buying? Why, because of how well Goldman has entwined itself within the levers of power and among our elected betters. Something about a vampire squid wrapping itself around something, jamming its blood funnel into something.

So don't shed a tear for Goldman Sachs. No, they'll make out all right. Little things like SEC lawsuits that say you engaged in a conspiracy to defraud your own customers don't matter, you're still a good buy. Why? Because you used all that money you sucked out of the corpse of this country to buy some powerful BFF's. Well done. In fact, buy their stock. It's probably the only surefire way to get your money back after you listened to their investment advice.

Things you don't want to hear the military say

There are things you don't want to hear the military say. Things like "Sorry we accidentally killed all those civilians", "Sorry we purposely killed all those civilians", "I just read a Glenn Beck book, who wants to start a Tea Bag militia with actual soldiers?", "I found the pin, but where's the grenade?", or "Anyone seen a large nuclear bomb shaped object lying around... perhaps with a southern man in a cowboy hat riding it... no?".

How about "we foresee a severe oil crisis that will drive up prices drastically as demand outstrips supply and further compounds large scale economic problems" and notes that they're going to be operating and planning for the future under these projections?

The US military has warned that surplus oil production capacity could disappear within two years and there could be serious shortages by 2015 with a significant economic and political impact.

The energy crisis is outlined in a Joint Operating Environment report from the US Joint Forces Command. ... "By 2012, surplus oil production capacity could entirely disappear, and as early as 2015, the shortfall in output could reach nearly 10 million barrels per day," says the report, which has a foreword by a senior commander, General James N Mattis.

It adds: "While it is difficult to predict precisely what economic, political, and strategic effects such a shortfall might produce, it surely would reduce the prospects for growth in both the developing and developed worlds. Such an economic slowdown would exacerbate other unresolved tensions, push fragile and failing states further down the path toward collapse, and perhaps have serious economic impact on both China and India."

Well.... goody gumdrops. Bonus points to a Mad Max apocalypse scenario. Now I know I won't look like an ass for armoring up my dune buggy and creating an array of fearsome costumes and masks.

I know you might be thinking "Well that's just the military and blarg blarg conspiracy raaargh no blood for oil", but if there's one thing that the US military takes seriously it's their ability to wage war and massive oil shortages fuck with their ability to wage war. On the bright side they're talking about 2015 and by then we'll probably have all that coastal offshore oil drilled out by then.

Sunshine and smiles everyone. Start hoarding gas and take lessons on how to subdue a school-bus full of gas, crossbow wielding rebels, and feral children with a Dodge Charger and a few thrill seeking minions.

Culture of corruption

Since all the news of the day is going to be focused on the Massachusetts election and the ritual suicide pact that Democrats seem intent on enacting, it's time to focus on some good news. Unfortunately there isn't any. So...........

/twiddles thumbs
//whistles to self
///resists urge to self harm

Hey, did you hear the one about how 25% of Afghanistan's GDP is corruption related?

Half of all Afghan adults paid at least one bribe to a public official over the course of a year to cut through red tape or get help with poor service, the U.N. said Tuesday in a report that documents the extraordinary depth of corruption in Afghanistan.

Afghans paid nearly $2.5 billion (euro1.7 billion) in bribes -- worth almost a quarter of the country's GDP -- in the 12-month period ending last autumn.
...
Bribes were requested and taken by politicians, prosecutors, tax officers -- anyone with even the most modest level of power to yield, from the humblest clerk at the office in charge of driver's licenses to, by many accounts, the highest levels of government.

Most of the payments went to police, judges and other local officials, but Afghans were also asked to bribe teachers in public schools and doctors and nurses in government hospitals.

The average bribe comes out to around $160... in a country where the average yearly income is $500. I guess it all works out. You might have paid a Franklin and a Grant to get the really good penicillin from the doctor or to get the prosecutor to prosecute the man who stole your goats a little harder than usual, but you make it up on the back end by taking a few extra bucks to make sure you teach the kids all the letters of the alphabet and stop withholding information about fractions.

Only 9% of corruption gets reported, mostly because the officials charged with rooting out corruption are corrupt. But... I hear if you slip them a few bucks they'll look into those bribery charges. Hamid Karzai has pledged to combat this state of affairs (you know, before he tried to fix the election) but someone gave him an envelope that was a little light and thus various corruption bills have languished. On the bright side, Afghanistan ranks behind Haiti, Iraq, Myanmar, and Somalia on international corruption ranking. Then again, that's just because they paid a guy at the UN to move them down in the rankings.

So no, you don't get any good news today. All I can offer you is the fact that amongst the many problems in the country we just escalated and committed hundreds of additional billions and tens of thousands more troops in, one of them is the problem of corruption. And if you only focus on that, it seems like a comparatively minor problem that can be addressed. But only if you don't widen your focus or look at other things. I SAID DON'T WIDEN YOUR FOCUS!! Ah hell, you see what you did? You thought about all the other problems in Afghanistan and are now despairing. I warned you.

Get a job

Well the new employment stats are in and yes, we lost more jobs again and the economic outlook appears grim. Or should I say "still appears grim". The economy shed 85,000 jobs, unemployment stayed at 10%, the workforce dropped by 661,000 as people quit looking for jobs, underemployment rose to 17.3%, and I accidentally made eye contact with a homeless man on Grant Street. It was totally awkward.

But lost in all the whinging about "Oooh the misery" and "I can't feed my family" and "I have no money" and "When I look at my husband his head morphs into a delicious looking roast turkey and I start comically salivating" is this bit of good news:

The latest monthly snapshot of the national job market released by the Labor Department on Friday provided one potentially encouraging milestone: Data for November was revised to show that the economy gained 4,000 net jobs that month, in contrast to initial reports showing a loss of 11,000 jobs. That marked the first monthly improvement since the recession began two years ago.

Yeah, that's right: at some point in this miserable economy, an actual net job was created. I'll break out the fine china, you call the specialty snooty foods store to see if they have a pallet of beluga caviar and toast points sitting in the back. Now I know 4,000 doesn't sound like a lot of jobs. But if you were to think of it in terms of Single A minor league baseball attendance, you'd be thrilled. Especially if you didn't have to throw a bobble head or fireworks night to get that many people through the turnstiles.

Unfortunately we at the These Bastards Economic Analysis and Financial Services Weapons Depot have talked to some of our sources in the Department of Labor and have been told that the 4,000 jobs created number will be revised downwards next month. There's still job creation, but it's being revised to only one actual job that was created. So we'd like to congratulate last month's lucky job recipient, one Phyllis Walden of Boise, Idaho who was hired as a cashier at the local CostCo. Congratulations on your achievement and please accept our solemn condolences in recognition of the fact that you lost that job this month.

Ah well Phyllis, maybe you'll get it back next month. Though, to be realistic, probably more like early 2011 if current economic predictions hold. Hope you can hold out until then.

Good news/bad news

The end of the recession has been signaled. Technically. In the smallest, most unimportant terms possible. Woo-hoo, break out the good tin of beans.

Gross domestic product expanded at an annual rate of 3.5 percent in the three months ending in September, a significant spike from a relatively shrunken base. The economy had contracted at annual rates of 0.7 percent and 6.4 percent in the second and first quarters of this year, respectively.

Durable goods spending shot up 22.3%, spending on housing jumped 23.4%, and there were other numbers that indicated growth. Even the unemployment rate rose, hitting 9.8% as employers cut 263,000 jobs! Wait, that's bad. And sure first time jobless claims are still at over half a million and consumer spending on non-durable goods was flat, but....uh......GDP...stock market! Look, if you're going to whine about being unemployed and the predictions that unemployment is going to continue into next year, hitting 10.5%, then I don't know what to tell you. Yes, the economy is great....as long as you aren't one of the people in that economy, can't you miserable hobo wretches just be happy for that fact?

So everything's ok, everything's largely fixed, and we just have to wait for that pesky job market to....oh, what's that Dr. Nouriel Roubini, a guy best known for their prescient predictions of the financial market collapse, you have something to say?

“Markets have gone up too much, too soon, too fast.” Noting that stock markets have soared by around 50 percent since their lows last March, he added, “The real economy is barely recovering while markets are going this way.”

He warned that “easy money” had already created “asset bubbles in equities, commodities, credit and emerging markets,” and concluded, “… we may be planting the seeds of the next cycle of financial instability.”

Well, wonderful, even our sad recovery will be short lived. Thanks for the heads up, I know not throw out my man sized cardboard boxes and bindle just yet.

Important earth shattering news

The entire run of the Simon Pegg/Nick Frost/Jessica Stevenson/Edgar Wright TV show Spaced is up on Hulu. Of course both Sean and I would throttle you to death if we ever met you in public and learned you had not seen it, here on the internet we can only throttle you with hateful words of scorn and disdain. So, if you haven't seen Spaced and you're too much of a cheap wretch to buy it, go watch it, all of it, right now. Though hurry, because soon even Hulu will be charging money for their programs, which is the fine for makers of quality things like Spaced, but the worst thing ever for cheap bastards like yourself.

Whew, crisis averted

Ladies and gentlemen we have averted a crisis. Hamid Karzai has accepted the results of the UN's Electoral Complaints Commission and will consent to a second round of voting. That means we get to add 40,000-70,000 news troops on the ground! Oh and something about democracy, constitutional something something, rule of law, and blah blah blah. 40,000-70,000 more troops!

Afghanistan will hold a second round of voting on 7 November after an election panel reluctantly accepted that massive fraud took place in August's poll, which President Hamid Karzai was declared to have won.
...
The US senator John Kerry, who was in Kabul for some diplomatic arm-twisting, sought to put the best spin on what has been a chaotic election process. Praising Karzai for his "great leadership", Kerry told reporters: "A great moment of uncertainty has been transformed into a time of great opportunity.
...
"It was feared that Karzai was preparing to reject the UN Electoral Complaints Commission's (ECC) findings of fraud, which had the effect of cutting his total by 954,526 votes and reducing his percentage of the vote from 55% to 48.3%.

Yeah John, nothing says "great leadership" like finally relenting in your opposition to the multitude on international election agencies and diplomats pointing out, with specific detail and with reams of evidence, specifically how you rigged your election to the tune of a million votes. Karzai is the new Churchill. And that "great opportunity", is that for us to escalate the war without it looking like we support a total despot or for Afghanistan to move forward with only a largely compromised leader who is more and more distrusted by the non-Pashtun ethnic groups in the country?

At least it'll remove all the uncomfortable silences from the track we used to be on, where we talk about not escalating until we do a "careful assessment" of the Afghan government...and then escalate anyway while Karzai refuses to allow a new election. Now we get to say "Sure he rigged an election, but when everyone pointed it out he admitted it and allowed the second round of voting to commence" and proceed with moving more troops in. I know that doesn't sound good, but you just made the tiny mistake of thinking about it. Don't concentrate so much on the "rigged an election part" and focus more on the "allowed the second round" part. Still don't think about it too hard, just bathe in the light of the "allow" and start to feel good about 40,000-70,000 more troops in Afghanistan. No, I can see you thought about it again, I saw that ugly look on your face. Stop. "Allow", "great leadership", "great opportunity", happy thoughts, good feelings.

What is happening?

Uh-oh, might there be evidence that glass half full, parade rainers like ourselves will soon have to contend with actual optimism about the economy? Might we have to deal with purely good news with no hints of an economic shitstorm? Will we have to shelve all our hobo and bindle related material? Goddamnit, are things actually starting to improve?

Government efforts to funnel hundreds of billions of dollars into the U.S. economy appear to be helping the U.S. climb out of the worst recession in decades.
...
The U.S. economy is beginning to show signs of improvement, with many economists asserting the worst is past and data pointing to stronger-than-expected growth. On Tuesday, data showed manufacturing grew in August for the first time in more than a year. "There's a method to the madness. We're getting out of this," said Brian Bethune, chief U.S. financial economist at IHS Global Insight.

Blaaarg, the good news...it burns us! What next? Oh Jesus Christ, the manufacturing index grew for the first time in 18 months! Horrid sunshine, oppress some other being with your vile illumination. Surely there must me some terrible lining. Most of the stimulus hasn't even been spent yet...adding percentage points to growth...increased consumer consumption, investment, and spending...0% growth without stimulus...magic blowjob fairies return...11 industry groups showing growth...
FUCK!!!!!!!!
It seems the only thing they're wondering about is how much of the growth will continue if the stimulus stops and which action the government took is most responsible for improving things. Someone, anyone, relentlessly fearmonger to me without any regard to the facts.

Eric Cantor: Since we know now that the Stimulus has not met the criteria by which it was passed and the White House promoted it, which was to stave off job losses and to stop unemployment from reaching above 8.5%, since we know it’s been a failure, why not do the responsible thing, which is to take the $400 billion that has not been committed yet - or not been spent, but been committed to the stimulus - and just pay off the debt and deficit so we can get our fiscal house back in order?

Whew! God bless Eric Cantor. I mean sure, what he says runs contrary to what even the Wall Street Journal is forced to recognize and that when he does appearances back in his district he takes credit for the stimulus and the jobs it created in Virginia, but I'll be damned if he doesn't stew a good pot full of economic gloom. Thanks buddy, I needed that.

New age of the American militia

It's a good time to be a fringe conspiracy freak with an arsenal. A black President and Democrats in control. Not only can you freak out about "reverse racism" but you can also apocalyptically herald the oncoming crush of communism and the upcoming liberal plot to steal everyone's guns that's always just around the corner. Then there's the unexpected boon of a global economic crisis, an attempt at universal health care, an el Mexicano on the Supreme Court, the President's Muslim-y middle name, and the fact that Obama's father had the nerve to be an immigrant. All in all it's a great time to be completely and utterly paranoid that a race war/civil war/fascist takeover is a month away, tops. That's why it's no surprise that militia membership is on the rise.

Militia groups with gripes against the government are regrouping across the country and could grow rapidly, according to an organization that tracks such trends.

The stress of a poor economy and a liberal administration led by a black president are among the causes for the recent rise, the report from the Southern Poverty Law Center says. Conspiracy theories about a secret Mexican plan to reclaim the Southwest are also growing amid the public debate about illegal immigration.
...
It's reminiscent of what was seen in the 1990s – right-wing militias, people ideologically against paying taxes and so-called "sovereign citizens" are popping up in large numbers, according to the report to be released Wednesday. The SPLC is a nonprofit civil rights group that, among other activities, investigates hate groups.

Ahh the 1990's militia movement, what a wonderful boon to this country they were. Flaming compounds, government shootouts, and Federal Building bombings. It was the golden age of helicopter videography of dilapidated shacks. But at least it was all worth it. At least all the militias and cults and Tim McVeigh's were finally able to expose Bill Clinton's diabolical government wide conspiracy of drug dealing, murder, and chubby girl diddling.

But not to fear, the report notes that we haven't seen the subsequent uptick in large scale violence. But thankfully, they note that it's probably just around the corner and all it needs is a spark. Hey, maybe it'll be one of those people who keep bringing guns to health care town halls. I guess Richard Poplawski's shooting of three Pittsburgh police officers over his fears that the Muslim President and the Jews were going to steal his guns or the guy who shot up the Holocaust museum weren't inspirational enough. And the recent shooting at the LA Fitness was just about misogyny, so try building a militia movement around that. Still, if we are lucky, it is for one reason: at least Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Lou Dobbs are out there every day trying to calm people down and not stoke paranoid fears. Where would we be without them?

Today in health care abominations

As we all know, with the pending passage of Obama Care you and all of your weaker loved ones deemed "non-essential" to the new socialist movement will have your houses set ablaze while you're still inside by your local Death Panel Murder Commissioner. But there are other things going on in the health care battle, namely the pharmaceutical industry walking back statements that it turns out were deeply unsettling to people that heard them. Namely the fact that they had cut a deal with the White House so that in return for some ads, they'd only have to make a certain level of cost cuts. Now? Despite everyone involved essentially confirming that fact over a period of days and in several news articles, it turns out that we all accidentally misheard them. It turns out they meant the opposite of what they actually said.

In yet another in a series of evolving statements and backtracks, an official with the country's major pharmaceutical lobby said on Monday that it never struck a "quote, unquote secret deal with the White House" that would have prohibited the government from negotiating lower drug prices for Medicare.

"It was never brought up at the meeting," said Ken Johnson the senior vice president for the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America, just days after his boss told the New York Times that the White House's commitment to not support price controls was, as far as he was concerned, "a done deal."

Whoops, isn't that always the way? What with newspapers and people believing that your confirmation of secret negotiations were in fact a confirmation of secret negotiations. It's so annoying when that happens.

On the other hand the Senate's #2 fuckup ranking Democrat, Dick Durbin, doesn't want you to concentrate on what industry mega-giant was promised what by the Executive branch. He just wants you to know that President Obama is ready to start rolling up his sleeves and start putting in some long hours...cutting deals and compromising to get something, anything, passed. I know what you're saying, "But hasn't this process been one long, constant compromise where Democrats willingly give up popular and useful ideas that cover people, cut expenses, and save money in return for...nothing?" Yes it has and there's apparently still more to come.

What else is there to deal on? I'm not sure, but I hear it has to do with a large cardboard box with "Health Care" written on the side. We may use this special box as a receptacle for pieces of paper we can send in to the government with diseases we wish we didn't have written on them. If we believe enough in the box, we'll be healed/not bankrupted before we die. But I hear the box thing is still negotiable. It might end up being a manila envelope.

Broken News: US dominates world in outrage manufacturing capacity

WASHINGTON—While virtually all economic indicators continue to trend downward and forecasts for the world economy remain pessimistic about the length and breadth of a global recession, currency exchange rates, and imports/exports, stock markets were buoyed today by a new report from the Bureau of Economic Analysis. The report indicated that, despite US industrial manufacturing declining for the 5th straight quarter, the United States' outrage manufacturing capacity had risen for the 2nd quarter in a row by an astonishing 19.4%.

The growth was led largely by gains within the Interminable Whining About Bullshit, Half-Baked Conspiracy Theories, Fear of Foreign Devils, Mexicans Gonna Take Our Jobs, and Unsubstantiated Fears About Political Theories One Doesn’t Understand sectors. These recent gains, along with improvements made in the 4th quarter of 2008, allowed the United States to push past a declining France on the International Outrage Index.

“This truly shows the breadth and depth of the ingenuity of the American people,” observed lead statistician for the BEA, Adam Samuelsson. “Where other countries simply take our outrage and modify or improve upon it, we alone truly know how to innovate, create, and lead the world in manufacturing phony indignation over perceived slights and unsubstantiated persecution. Eat it, France! The US is back on top baby!”

Initial forecasts from the end of 2008 had been predicting a decline in US outrage for the 2009 fiscal year, mostly attributable to the fact that former president George W. Bush would be leaving office in mid January. This very event is believed to have caused the drastic decline in French enmity production towards the United States, long considered to be their strongest asset.

“I don’t think these analysts fully took into account the ability of the right wing sectors of this country to manufacture deluded hatred towards President Obama,” observed Dr. Harold Gerund, a statistician for the Princeton School of Mathematics. “These heroic Americans were able to step into a void of indignation and anger and furiously invent new shit to get livid about, basically within days of the inauguration. Add to that the inability of the left wing to get past their loathing of the departing Bush Administration despite the fact that the Democrats now control the White House and Congress. Luckily for the Outrage Index, there were still horrible new secrets and a crippling economic meltdown to fuel continued Bush hatred. Truly this country has been blessed with its utter inability to confront the world in an adult manner.”

Indeed the new Obama Administration has been able to simultaneously kick right wing industrial-strength outrage manufacturing into overdrive after a period of dormant inactivity while tamping down rival foreign outrage that would normally be directed at America.

In fact some countries are even coming to like America and its new President, a fact that has even further infuriated right wing outrage already brimming over with crippling paranoia from baseless fears of socialism, Obama’s Muslim heritage and/or birth certificate, UK-style health care, the liberal media, liberal fascism, terrorist appeasement, gay marriage, and Democratic Senators swooping into their cornfields and eating their sorghum.

“That’s the beauty of America,” said Samuelsson. “Not only are we able to get crazy mad about things we misheard or imagined, but we’re also able to crank up different sectors of our outrage capacity depending on whether foreign governments like us too much or too little. A diversified economy is a healthy economy.”

While some are quick to applaud the positive trends and our rediscovered dominance in developing and formulating ire, others are quick to point out that if the Middle East were to ever modernize its outrage manufacturing, we would not be able to keep up.

“God help us if they ever move their anger out of the Stone Age,” observed Samuel Grasscock of the Center for the Study of Pissed-off Arabs. “Imagine if they ever move their hatreds beyond a general hatred of the West and perceived persecution of their culture and religion? Imagine if they ever decided to get meta, like by getting outraged over the fact the we treat their outrage as some general, formless hatred of the West and freedom. Then we’d really be in for a manufacturing outrage gap.”

He then paused before yelling, “WHICH I AM VERY NERVOUS AND ANGRY ABOUT!!!”

When pressed for comment on the ways in which their petty complaints, delusional grievances, and deranged conspiracies were driving America’s upward manufacturing capacity trends, various movement leaders of right and left factions all seemed to be unanimously outraged that their outrage wasn’t being treated as a reasoned, rational response to a world gone mad.

Analysts are predicting that this outrage alone could result in a 2% bump for the next quarter.

Happy days are here again

The "no really, this is good news" kind of news continued today as the government announced the official stats for unemployment. The news: nearly 350,000 people lost their jobs and the unemployment rate climbed to 9.4%. And it's fucking awesome.

Some 345,000 jobs were lost last month, a stark figure, but one that represented the smallest number of monthly job losses since last September, the Labor Department reported. Economists said the figures showed the government’s efforts to prop up the economy were beginning to have an effect.

But in a sign of the recession’s worsening toll, the unemployment rate climbed to 9.4 percent, its highest point in 26 years. The rate — a measure of jobless people looking for work — rose more than expected, partly because more people were resuming the hunt for a job.

Economists were encouraged that businesses were cutting fewer jobs, but six million jobs have now disappeared since the recession began in December 2007, and 14.5 million people are now unemployed. They warned that job losses were likely to pile up through the rest of the year as the country’s labor market bottomed out.

“These are still terrible numbers,” said Ian Shepherdson, chief United States economist at High Frequency Economics. “We’re a million miles away from a recovery.”

Whoa whoa, whoa Mr. Chief Economist in Charge of Parade Raining and Punchbowl Turdification, you take that negative attitude and cram it where the sun don't shine. I'm not expecting you to get overly excited or throw a parade, but let's get real here: we have seemingly avoided total ruin, will not have to choose which one of our loved ones to eat and which one to burn for warmth, and we will not have to do battle in Thunderdome or any dome of any kind. How about a little recognition. Geez, who knew that economists weren't the life of a party?

Soon we might even hot the heady days of the Bush Administration: where we barely kept pace with the amount of jobs we needed to create in order to account for population growth. If that happens we should disband and just all go off and form new countries, because after taking into account the last eight years, being able to do that would just about qualify as the greatest achievement in American history. Who thought we would be two or three President's down the line before the Bush kneecapping was undone? Now one President might get it done in 1 or 2 terms AND we haven't been reduced to cannibalism/the dark ages. Scoff about that Mr. Smarty Pants Economic Guy. It's time to revel our diminished expectations, not get normal expectations.

High fives all around

High five someone today. Walk around with a little bit of a strut. Why? Because 520,000 people lost their jobs last month. And that's great news.

The number of U.S. workers filing new claims for jobless benefits fell for a third straight week last week, government data showed on Thursday, indicating some loss of force in the pace of the labor market's deterioration.

Initial claims for state unemployment insurance benefits fell 4,000 to a seasonally adjusted 621,000 in the week ended May 30, the Labor Department said. The week covered the Memorial Day holiday, which could have had an impact on the data.

Analysts polled by Reuters had forecast new claims slipping to 620,000 from a previously reported count of 623,000.

The number of people staying on the benefit rolls after collecting an initial week of aid fell 15,000 to 6.74 million in the week ended May 23, the latest week for which the data is available.

This was the first time that so-called continued claims have declined since the week of January 3 and was also the first time in 17 weeks that they did not set a record. That held the insured unemployment rate at 5.0 percent.

Productivity even rose 1.6%. Seems like this horrific financial apocalypse is going to avoid that whole apocalypse. Which is a little disappointing as I have all these canned goods, bullets, and just finished armoring up a Daewoo Lanos for raiding purposes. But it is good news for the country...as long as you squint your eyes a bit and try not to focus your mind on the fact that over half a million people still lost their jobs last month. Sure, these are still horrifying figures, but they need to be put in context. Soon we'll be into the heady territory of "only 300,000 people lost their jobs this month" and maybe even within six months we'll be down to a point where the Obama Administration can give us the individual names of the dozen or so people who lost their jobs. Then we can start the task of rebuilding our shattered society and taking down all the razor wire and road barriers we put up, "just in case."

In addition to being a major boner-kill to survival fetishists, this jobs report (combined with GM finally starting to get its shit wired) has also scuttled plans to move the remaining population of Detroit five miles down the road so that the city-husk can be used by the military to give troops combat training inside of bombed out urban desolation. It's a good news/bad news type of day. So remember: half a million people losing their jobs is good news for the foreseeable (non-apocalyptic) future. Isn't it great?

Happy Memorial Day

Map of Happiness

The North Koreans have The Bomb.

North Korea today risked further international isolation after it claimed to have successfully tested a nuclear weapon as powerful as the atomic bomb that destroyed Hiroshima.

The test comes less than two months after the North enraged the US and its allies by test firing a long-range ballistic missile.

The KNCA news agency, the regime's official mouthpiece, said: "We have successfully conducted another nuclear test on 25 May as part of the republic's measures to strengthen its nuclear deterrent."

Officials in South Korea said they had detected a tremor consistent with those caused by an underground nuclear explosion. The country's Yonhap news agency reported that the north had test-fired three short-range missiles from a base on the east coast immediately after the nuclear test.

North Korea might not have started the war against the groundhogs, but they sure as shit ended it. But what better way to celebrate a day honoring the soldiers who have served this country and gave their lives defending it, then with a reminder of the next war we might have to fight. With nukes. Rest assured that world leaders are out there right now expressing disappointment (TO THE EXTREME!!!!) wagging their fingers so furiously that the damned things just might fall off.

Who knew that McG's hastily put together, slapdash Terminator movie would be providing us a glimpse of our near future, with crazy Kim Jong-Il taking the place of Skynet. I guess this means we have to pretend they're a real world power now. Like Obama has enough bullshitting skills to fake gravitas with Pakistan AND North Korea when talking about how they're now "important members" of the world community just because they're destabilized shitholes with nukes.

Ah well, just one more thing to make you feel good/optimistic during the long weekend. Happy Memorial Day!

Difference of opinion

The Congressional Oversight Panel, who you might recognize as the panel that, despite a legal requirement to do so, no one in the Treasury Department, FED, Wall Street has deemed worthy enough to update as to the goings on and payments made out in the various bailouts and free cash grabs, had a few choice words on the plans enacted so far.

A congressional panel overseeing the U.S. financial rescue suggested that getting rid of top executives and liquidating problem banks may be a better way to solve the economic crisis.

The Congressional Oversight Panel, in a report released yesterday, also said the Treasury may be relying on too rosy an economic scenario to guide its $700 billion bailout, and declared that the success of the program after six months is “mixed.” Three of the group’s members disagreed with at least some of the findings.

“All successful efforts to address bank crises have involved the combination of moving aside failed management and getting control of the process of valuing bank balance sheets,” the panel, headed by Harvard Law School Professor Elizabeth Warren, said in its report.

Tim Geithner responded by screaming and pointing at a bear that he not only swore was totally behind the press and about to eat them all unless they ran, but that the press had to hire the bear on as a consultant so the bear could advise them on how not to get eaten by a bear.

Hey isn't it funny how the one government organization that doesn't have Wall Street insiders, Goldmann Sachs money fuckers, or political hacks that greased the skids for this crisis and is staffed by economists and number crunchers is the one advocating a fire and liquidate approach? Sorry, I wrote 'funny' when I meant to write 'a blindingly obvious result'.

But the report did also mention that things were getting better, albeit too slowly and in a 'not effective enough' manner. Perhaps the fact that things are getting a little better, combined with positive public perceptions of the status of the economy mean that good things...wait, no, Paul Krugman just dropped in to defecate on that notion in a Nobel laureate kind of way and sup on the sweet tears of your ignorance.

Oh lovely, 'things are terrible, but the speed at which things are getting worse has slowed, which is sort of good' is the most positive thing he can say. Yeah.....I'm going to go drink.

Good news in foreign policy

Iran holds enough uranium for bomb

In a development that comes as the Obama administration is drawing up its policy on negotiations with Tehran over its nuclear programme, UN officials said Iran had produced more nuclear material than previously thought.

They said Iran had accumulated more than one tonne of low enriched uranium hexafluoride at a facility in Natanz.

If such a quantity were further enriched it could produce more than 20kg of fissile material – enough for a bomb.

Wait, now you're going to tell me that years of bellicose rhetoric and diplomatic shunning from the Bush Administration didn't have any effect on the nuclear program of Iran? Color me stunned. But good for the UN for keeping tabs on their progress for us. Just one question: more than previously thought? Were you running inspections and missed a pile of uranium behind two fat Iranians? Didn't think they were serious? Found out they stopped giving away uranium as gifts and kept more for themselves? Thought Bush was actually effective? The good news is that countries usually wait to build a nuke when they have the material for multiple bombs, not just one. Soooo..........no danger then.

Before Clinton's South Korea Visit, North Korea Steps Up War Rhetoric

North Korea stepped up its war rhetoric Thursday, saying its troops are "fully ready" for war with South Korea, just hours before a visit to Seoul by U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton.

The North's military accused South Korean President Lee Myung-bak of using "nonexistent" nuclear and missile threats as a pretext for an invasion and warned it was prepared for an "all-out confrontation."

The strident statement carried on state-run media comes amid reports that the North is preparing to test-fire a long-range missile and as Clinton heads to Seoul for talks Friday that are expected to focus on North Korea.

Look who decided to get back in the game! Threatening war and invasion while test firing a missile while Hill-dawg parties diplomatic-style in Seoul. We missed you. Of course all your missiles can do is get test fired into the ocean and, barring you finding actual food to feed your people, I doubt your army even has the strength to fight, let alone the weaponry. But hey, good news, Kim Jong-Il had a stroke and is almost dead, so I'm sure we won't have to find any of these things out before there's a massive power struggle for his throne and shoes with the 5 inch lifts.