Video of the day

How LeBron to Miami really went down.

LeGone

As the world watched LeBron's sad, narcissistic farewell/fuck you to the city of Cleveland, one had to sit back in awe at the misguided, cruel, tone deaf, ego stroking nonsense it was. A double fuck you to ESPN, for hyping it and shoving it down everyone's throats. This is why we hate you, Worldwide Leader.

But aside from the whole media whoring, mememememememe, "I wanted to do what was best for LeBron James.... What LeBron James was going to do to make him happy" third person, self-absorbed bullshit that it was, one had to take note at just how needlessly mean it was to a franchise he spent 7 years with and the fans who "witnessed". Or whatever inane Nike slogan it was they used to crown the King. Cleveland, we sympathize. OK, we don't. But it was still a shitty thing to do. As Deadspin put it: "LeBron James is a cocksucker." HE MADE BIEBER CRY!!

On the bright side, your owner went delightfully insane. First posting a letter full of righteous anger that wasn't even tempered by the curious, usually point destroying use of the font Comic Sans. He then knocked LeBron for his poor playoff performance and, rightfully, for quitting during the Celtics series. Fans were burning jerseys, screaming "Judas!", and talking themselves into Jake Delhomme and the upcoming Browns season. You know, depraved shit.

So Sean and I were eagerly awaiting the city's final farewell to LeTraitor, via the front page of the Plain Dealer. What cheap shot would they take? What insult would they hurl? What cruel photoshop would they unveil in order to mock and humiliate the jerkoff who spent an hour, nay offseason, jerking the city around in the unkindest of ways?


Eh. It's a nice, refined version of "Count the no rings, bitch" but we were hoping for so more. So we took it upon ourselves to offer up the city of Cleveland two alternative headlines to send the King off to his new position as Dwyane Wade's sidekick in South Beach.

Tell me they wouldn't already be going back to the printers to order a third run. C'mon Cleveland, this was your one chance to curse in a headline and be cheered for it. Missed opportunity. You had a chance to be justifiably and insanely bitter, vulgar, and mean in print, and you settled for catty.

Take solace though, aside from all the endorsement money he might have just cost himself by turning into the world's most unlikable ass, he probably stored up enough negative karma to engender a multi-ligament blowout on both of his knees somewhere around week one of training camp. Then Miami will be down to fielding a two man team filled out with "Win a spot on the Heat" raffle winners selected from season ticket holders.

Just hold out a little longer. The "delighting in his misery" part will be glorious.

To Cleveland

"Yo Russ, I'm out! See yo ass on South Beach startin' next season. Watch my show. Hey Dwayne, where my beach sandals at?"

You know, as this LeBron ESPN "I'm outta here Cleveland" special is hours away from kicking off, we here at These Bastards would just like to take a moment to offer up some preemptive condolences to the city. Oh sure, we've mocked Cleveland at every opportunity resulting from our Pittsburgh heritage and the sports rivalries inherent within, but we feel for you here.

I mean the biggest superstar in your city, let alone an entire sport, is doing a 1 hour prime time special whose sole purpose is to essentially stab your city in the back, collect a giant check, and give as public a fuck you possible to the people who supported him over his career? And he's from Cleveland to boot? That shit's just cold as ice.

I mean imagine if Sidney Crosby did that to Pittsburgh? Or Hines Ward. Or Ben Ro.... actually, I think we all kind of want #7 to go right now. We just want to be able to go to the bathroom without worrying so much about inappropriate touching in our bathing suit area.

So, putting all that aside, we feel for you.

What, you think we went soft in our old age? Nah, eat it hard Cleveland. This is hilarious. I don't know all that much about this whole hooped sport, what with our fair city having the good sense to never let pro basketball take hold here, but I hope he sins with your biggest rival. Do you even have a biggest rival? The Cavs were pretty much ass before LeBron, so was a rivalry ever built up? Who cares, it's back to mediocrity when he picks some other team at 9 tonight.

Fuck it, I wish there was some way LeBron could sign with the Steelers. Just for a day. Maybe enroll at Pitt and play for Jamie Dixon. Whatever puts salt in the wound more.

Here, Cleveland, the sad trombone plays for you.

Los blowback

It's Cinco de Mayo today. What does that mean? More irritating ads for Corona beer. But it also means that Latino are really going to catch some shit from Arizona cops. Hell, some police might go into catatonic shock there will be so many people walking about that look suspicious and need to have their papers checked.

But the holiday is also a place for opponents of the state government's new found racism to make their own statement. And that includes the Phoenix Suns, currently embroiled in the NBA playoff contest against the Spurs. The team announced it would be wearing its "Los Suns" jerseys tonight and came out against the law.

The frustration with the federal government’s failure to deal with the issue of illegal immigration resulted in passage of a flawed state law. However intended, the result of passing this law is that our basic principles of equal rights and protection under the law are being called into question, and Arizona’s already struggling economy will suffer even further setbacks at a time when the state can ill-afford them.

Suns PG and all around decent human beingSteve Nash even came out with a statement:

"I think the law is very misguided. I think it is unfortunately to the detriment to our society and our civil liberties and I think it is very important for us to stand up for things we believe in," Nash said of the bill. "I think the law obviously can target opportunities for racial profiling. Things we don't want to see and don't need to see in 2010."

Well done, gentlemen. Though while I am no Spanish scholar, I do think the correct translation of "The Suns" into Mexicanese would be "Los Soles". The Spurs announced regretfully that they weren't informed in time to bring their own "Los Spurs" jerseys, so it will be a one team tribute. Again... "The Spurs" would be "Las Espuelas".

Poor translating aside, nice to see that large Arizona entities with important ties to the community are willing to take a stand. Unfortunately this will result in Canadian Nash, Argentinian Manu Ginobli, and Frenchman Tony Parker all being detained and deported before tip-off. Still, a stand must be made. Good luck, much success, and I hope the Suns can still run and gun with Nash being tossed over the Saskatchewan border with orders to never let his freewheeling passing, play-making, and clutch shot-making taint Arizona again. Fucking foreigners.

The perils of obstructionism

Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning is mad as hell. He's mad at those people who want to use fanciful digital converters to see Hollywood homosexuals cavortin' and caperin' on the picture box and he's mad that all those goldbrickin' sons a bitches without jobs who can't throw a baseball like he used to throw a baseball want to partake in the socialist enterprise known as unemployment insurance. So that's why he, despite calls from even his own GOP leadership, refused to allow a vote on the bill that contained measures on both subjects.

When it was pointed out just what the extent of his blinkered opposition would do to people and how he should drop his objection, he casually blurted out "Tough shit" to those who would not see the wisdom in his ways. But then, in a moment of self reflection, Bunning took time to lament for those who had been unfairly harmed by his obstructionism.

And at one point during the debate, which dragged on till nearly midnight, Bunning complained of missing a basketball game.

"I have missed the Kentucky-South Carolina game that started at 9:00," he said,
"and it's the only redeeming chance we had to beat South Carolina since they're the only team that has beat Kentucky this year.

"Gentlemen, it seems I have been hoisted on my own petard. Will someone think of my suffering?"

But amidst this debate over extending unemployment benefits, one silver lining was revealed.

The unemployment rate in Kentucky is 10.7 percent.

I hope they're the first ones that go broke.

Thanks Jim, stay classy.

An announcement

It is with great sadness that I have to announce that effective immediately, Sean and I will be shutting down These Bastards. Now I know this comes as a tremendous blow to our billions upon billions of fans who have spent the past year plus organizing and building a society around the way we bitch about politics, mock religion, and do fake news, but it's time. "Why?" you might ask. Four words: whites only basketball league. Sean and I have to get ready for tryouts.

A new professional basketball league called the All-American Basketball Alliance (AABA) sent out a press release on Sunday saying that it intends to start its inaugural season in June, with teams in 12 U.S. cities. However, the AABA is different from other sports leagues because only players who are “natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league.”
...
“There’s nothing hatred about what we’re doing,” he said. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.”
...
“Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?” he said. “That’s the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction.”

We do have one suggestion: call it the National Blacklessball Association. Otherwise we're proud to join the sporting equivalent of the teabaggers movement. In fact that's the team Sean and I will be trying out for; the Nashville Teabaggers. Other teams will include the Statesboro Defenders of White Cultural Heritage and the Birmingham Members of a Certain Secret Society... I Don't Believe I Gotta Mention Its Name, Heh-Heh.

So if you're like us and you hate taking a basketball beat down from Negroes making showboat passes, pretending the ball is a yo-yo, bringing out a step ladder onto the court, employing a bucket full of confetti, all the while whistling "Sweet Georgia Brown", then there's a place for you: 1930's Alabama. Also: one of 12 cities that are part of the AABA, starting in June.

Ahh, a league bereft of blacks and Argentinians... it's a dream come true. Frankly the opportunity to strike it rich in a regional all white basketball league is the only thing that could make Sean and I stop the unending money spigot that is a news commentary and political satire blog. But we've just got to practice our layups and set-shots. The white man has been oppressed for too long. Now whites will finally have something of our own.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.26

Women pay up to 50% more for health insurance premiums
Now that we've inexorably moved one step closer to our new health care utopia with cotton candy insurance that lets us see marmalade doctors, a new study is released showing you the best way to cut your health insurance costs: not be born a woman. Some call it sex discrimination, I'm just glad to note that neither Sean nor I was born with this debilitating pre-existing condition, what with it's assorted lady parts, emotions, and hairless faces. I'm just glad that I can't catch whatever it is they have because...well...let's just say that its because I've quarantined myself off from them and that definitely not the other way around, no matter what Pittsburgh area women tell you.

For Walker, financial fouls mount
For anyone looking to glimpse into the lifestyles of rich athletes and their almost immediate bankruptcies the second they stop playing, take a look a former Celtics power forward Antoine Walker who, at 33, has squandered over $110 million in career earnings. This is why sports fans don't have to worry about player strikes anymore. One would last a month before half the players were out of money.

The New Color Line
I'm about to blow you mind: whites and blacks not only have differing views about things, but those views extend to health care as well! 40% of whites support health care reform compared to 75% of nonwhites, while 38% of whites believe the Obama agenda will decrease their opportunities and 60% of nonwhites believe his agenda will increase their opportunities. So wait, large percentages of those teabaggers were scared that the black man was coming to take their shit? I guess that's something you only could have understood with a poll, or if, you know, you read their placards.

Campaign Report on Human Rights in Iran since 12 June 2009
The International Campaign for Human Rights did an analysis of the situation in Iran and it turns out things aren't so great. Their conclusion? Iran is accelerating its slide into a dictatorship. Excuse me, that must have been a misprint. It probably meant to say further accelerating it's slide into and even more oppressive dictatorship than already exists. That must be it. Still, it surprises me. I mean we all changed our Twitter icons green and made our Facebook location Tehran. Wasn't that supposed to solve everything?

End State: Is California finished?
Yes. Now break it up and sell it to the Chinese. Otherwise they might take us all down with them in their swirling vortex of initiative stupidity and referendum backed budget destroying insanity. Oh sure, we'll miss the entertainment industry, celebrity murder trials, and probably a third and fourth thing. But this is triage man, cut off the diseased leg so the rest of the body can survive! I'm just saying: nukes in the San Andreas fault to break California off from the mainland. It was in the Superman movie being attempted by a super genius, it has to be valid.

Broken In Brief: Opera house tragically rebuilt after fire

SEATTLE—An overwhelming sense of grief descended upon the city today as the Civic Light Opera announced it had secured enough funding to commence rebuilding the Seattle Metropolitan Opera House, which burned down late last year in an electrical fire.

“It is with great sadness and regret that we announce that the local arts community, in conjunction with business leaders and the region’s moneyed elite, have cobbled together the financing required to rebuild the opera house. I’m sorry,” a shaken Giovanni Finnochio, director of the Seattle CLO announced.

“I know we had all hoped that this project would be abandoned and the money directed toward constructing a new sports arena so that we might lure an NBA franchise back to the city. But for now, that dream is dead,” said Finnochio, fighting back tears.

A somber and depressed mood seemed to permeate the crowd as most demographic representatives came to grips with the fact that they would be expected to buy tickets to support the rebuilt opera house. Indeed many local executives and upper middle class status seekers were cringing at the thought of enduring night after night of tuxedo rentals, dinners with their spouses, and the music, oh God, the unending dirge of classical music.

“If I wanted to see a bunch of Italians sing in Italian, I’d go to the local prison and check out the men’s choir,” said a distraught Jeffrey Logan, whose wife had already inquired about the possibility of purchasing a season pass.

“I just wanted to watch Kevin Durant ball,” he said as the emotion of the situation overwhelmed him. “Maybe even a hockey team. I’ll take anything: WNBA, roller derby, jai alai. But not this. Not this...”

As those nearby moved to console Logan, none could offer anything beyond cheap platitudes that did little to mitigate the fear caused by the continued assault of the arts on the sporting community.

Dream big, Bron Bron

We all have big dreams, whether they're finding a bag of money, seeing Glenn Beck completely lose his mind on live TV (I think we're two weeks away!), living long enough to see the Pirates put together an 82 win season, or finding a bag of money. Celebrities and athletes are no different. So when Maxim magazine got a chance to distract LeBron James from flipping through New York real estate listings long enough to answer a question about his dreams, he did not disappoint. He dreamt big.

[INTERVIEWER]: If there was one guy on the planet you could dunk on, who would it be? That teacher?

[JAMES]: If it doesn’t have to be a basketball player, George W. Bush. I would dunk on his ass, break the rim, and shatter the glass.

I can get behind this. So listen, White House, Congress, and Justice Department. If you aren't going to prosecute anyone in the Bush Administration for all those war crimes, Constitutional crimes, and other various and sundry laws they broke (and we know you aren't) then how about this proposition: pass a law decreeing that your basic murderer's row of Bush Administration crooks (Bush, Cheney, Rove, Gonzales, etc...) instead has to stand six feet from a basketball rim and take the full brunt of LeBron James wheeling down the court at top speed and powering down the lane to dunk the fuck out of a basketball. Maybe a Hurricane Katrina survivor can alley-oop it to LeBron. Whatever, it's his choice. If the Bush officials move or try to flop in an effort to not take the full brunt of King James' fury, then they have to get dunked on again...in a dress. If they can strip James of the ball or block the shot, they get one free Constitutional violation.

I'd act on this fast, because I want part of the punishment for them to be that they have to travel to Cleveland to get dunked on. If you wait until LeBron signs with the Knicks or Nets then you lose that aspect of the punishment package. Hold it at the Cavs arena, sell tickets, put it on PPV and I think we can raise enough money to pay for health care. Oh, one last thing: LeBron has to do it either dressed as Uncle Sam or as one of our more iconic Presidents. Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, whoever.

Broken In Brief: Friends of LeBron in hiding as Cleveland residents seek deportation

CLEVELAND--Several local and national news agencies are reporting that anyone identified as a friend of LeBron James has been taken into protective custody after angry mobs massed at the city center and sought to instigate fights with compatriots of the NBA star. The deluge began early this morning when the Cleveland Browns announced they had traded wide receiver Braylon Edwards to the New York Jets. Edwards is currently under investigation by Cleveland police and the National Football League for allegedly striking promoter Edward Givens, a Friend of LeBron's.

Authorities suggest these roving gangs believe that by assaulting anyone who has achieved Friend of LeBron, or "FOL" status, the would-be assailants might also be deported from the economic and cultural sinkhole in which they currently reside. At press time, most of the business community, the 16-35 age group, and 48 of the 53 active members of the Cleveland Browns roster had been sighted roaming the streets with improvised hand-held weapons, including nailbats, tire irons, frozen shards of human excrement, and the severed head of of first-year Browns coach Eric Mangini.

City leaders have attempted to explain that they have no power to trade citizens and that the events of the past few days were mere coincidence. Many believe these pleas are just a ruse so that members of the city council and the mayor's office will have less competition in their quest to assault LeBron's friends. Doing little to quell these rumors was an article in the Cleveland Plain Dealer alleging that Mayor Frank Jackson had added a savage beating of Cavaliers' forward Anderson Varejao to his weekly itinerary.

"I'm not looking to hurt any of The King's friends, I just want to pop one in the mouth," said Andy Grossi, an unemployed window washer from Cleveland Heights.

"Just knock 'em bad enough to get the police involved and then have the powers that be trade me away to a better, more vibrant city. Maybe Flint, Michigan or Gary, Indiana. Hey, it worked out for Braylon... that ball-dropping son of a bitch. A week from now, he'll be forehead-deep in New York strange. You know those women got no hair below the eyebrows, right? But what about me? What about Andy?"

Diagram it out

If you were as confused as I was by Sarah Palin's hurricane of bad metaphors, similes, explanations, and descriptions during her "Winners quit, losers stick around" resignation speech, then you're in luck. Deadspin has put together a diagram of one of the more confusing metaphors: the basketball one. Yeah, I thought Coach Jesus would employ a better offensive system against a press, but then again I don't know the man as well as "the Barracuda". Also, I'm not sure Olbermann should play so far off McCain, he's old but he can still drain an open J from 20 feet and a former sportscaster should know that.

Pop quiz, hot shot

Are these photos from the actual Iranian election protests, a separate purple/yellow revolution in addition to the green revolution, sympathy protests in solidarity with the Iranians, or idiots rioting en masse after a basketball championship?

Next question: would this country would get angrier/do more property damage over a sporting loss/victory than it would over widespread electoral fraud? I think it best not to answer that question, we can only make Ghost Jefferson and Ghost Washington weep for us so many times per month.

Broken In Brief: Area man unable to think of network based signs to wave at NCAA tourney

INDIANAPOLIS—As he eagerly awaits the start of the third round of this year's NCAA March Madness basketball tournament, area attention whore Garret Johnson finds himself afflicted with writer's block. The local scourge of televised sport has been unable to think of any basketball or college-themed signs that incorporate the three letter call sign of the network broadcasting the event, CBS.

“How am I going to get on TV unless I come up with a good enough sign,” a tense and jittery Johnson said. “Just look at the teams playing: Kansas, Louisville, Arizona, and Michigan. Not a goddamned C, B, or S anywhere. Some lucky bastard watching the Memphis bracket is going to get on camera with a ‘Can’t Beat Syracuse’ sign and I’m gonna be stuck trying to wedge Arizona into mine. Maybe I can just make an announcer reference. Something that says ‘Hi Gus Johnson’ or ‘Indy loves Dick Enberg’, but that’s just scraping the bottom of the barrel. Wait, it’s Michigan State. ‘Can’t Beat State’. Fuck, does anyone even call them ‘State’?"

Friends and family say this is the most distraught Mr. Johnson has been since writer’s block struck him before the 1995 Colts/Steelers AFC Championship Game. It was at this game, an eventual Colts loss, where Mr. Johnson resorted to just waving around a giant CBS logo in a vain attempt to get on camera. They say he was nearly inconsolable when the sign “Colts Beat Steelers” came to him in a dream on the drive home.

“They’ll never put me on if I go waving a giant logo again,” Thompson moaned. “These televised corporate suck ups have to appear to be grassroots and heartfelt, not just nakedly commercial. Maybe I’ll have to sink to depths I’ve never had to go to before… maybe I’ll be one of those jackasses who dresses up in a bizarre costume. If I jump around and caper they’ll have to put me on. Or something religious, maybe. What's the deal with that 'John 3:16 shit? Anything to do with Dick Vitale? No?” he finished, trailing off into emotional waling and weeping.

His family hopes that by going back through some old game tapes and camera pans of audiences, Mr. Johnson will jog his memory and get those creative juices flowing. Some are even holding out hope that this ordeal will cause him to grow up and learn to watch a sporting event without toadying to a conglomerate in return for 3 seconds of face time, but they acknowledge these hopes are remote.

We picked the wrong guy

McCain creams Obama — in NCAA picks

The “First Bracket” may have brought President Obama some unwanted scrutiny this past week, but a number of lawmakers — like most Americans — prepped their brackets ahead of this weekend’s opening rounds of the NCAA basketball tournament.

And if the presidential election were an office pool, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) would have won the first weekend of play in a landslide over Obama.

McCain’s bracket has 14 teams picked correctly headed into the Sweet Sixteen, placing him in the 94th percentile after the first weekend of play.

The president has been less lucky. Despite having a brother-in-law who coaches Oregon State’s team, Obama fell short in a number of the first-round match-ups that kept Washington and the rest of the country distracted from work Thursday and Friday afternoon.

Still though, Obama was able to recover and also place 14 in the Sweet Sixteen. But seriously Mr. President...VCU over UCLA, Temple over Arizona St., Wake Forest? What in God's name were you thinking? Right now the President is in 2,167,290 place for ESPN's Tournament Challenge. Frankly this is embarrassing. Apparently McCain is kicking ass. Maybe we elected the wrong guy. Maybe McCain or UPSSERG 1 should be leading us now. As our first black President, avowed baller, and brother in law to a Div 1 coach, I am disappointed in you. Putting Pitt in the Final Four doesn't fix things between us either.

In other bracket news, Mitch McConnell can't seem to divorce anything from politics and went with a Louisville/Western Kentucky final. Thank God the Wildcats didn't make it in or we would have seen Mitch's bracket include the first three team final. Also, in showing their full hatred of America and all it's pastimes, the Democratic leadership of Reid, Pelosi, and Durbin were unable to fill out brackets. Every other elected member of Congress did supposedly fill one out, but sadly there seems to be nowhere to go and check them all out, judging them for their lack or wealth of college b-ball knowledge. Maybe next year.

Pictures of the day

Barry at the b-ball game.

Governor Sir Charles

Charles Barkley To Run For Alabama Governor in 2014

NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley said he's going to run for governor in Alabama.

"I plan on it in 2014," Barkley told CNN's Campbell Brown on Monday.

When asked if he was serious, the former Philadelphia 76er said, "I am, I can't screw up Alabama."

He added that his native state could only improve. "We are number 48 in everything and Arkansas and Mississippi aren't going anywhere," Barkley said.

Now, wary as I am about announcements to run for something in six years, I can wholeheartedly get behind this. As he said, how's he gonna make Alabama worse? Set it on fire? Garrote Nick Saban? Plus if the debates are basketball themed, say make a shot get to state a position, he's got it in the bag. The GOP can't put up someone that can out muscle The Round Mound of Rebound in the paint, unless they run Shaq, Chamberlain, or Walt Bellamy. Plus he's the only guy that ever threw a man through a plate glass window and stayed beloved. By 2014, Alabama's racial attitudes will have advanced to those of late seventies America, so he'll have a shot there too.

I think he has a shot at winning, provided Olajuwon and Drexler are on his staff and Jordan stays retired.