Santorum: Now with tea leaves added to the froth

This weekend the country was subjected to more tea party rallies. Why? As best I can guess: so that the Republicans who couldn't get away from their lobbying jobs on Thursday would have a chance to stump for the cause of freedom... teadom. Case in point, Rick Santorum, last seen hilariously losing to a human sleeping pill by 18 points.

True to tea party form, Santorum stuck to grandiose claims about the importance of teabaggers and let the crazy fly when referencing King Hussein Obama X of Mombasa.

"Now it's a different kind of war. Instead of the Japanese dropping a bomb on Pearl Harbor, Barack Obama has assaulted the soul of America," he said. "And it's our watch."
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"What did you do during this critical time in the future of this country?" "I'm not asking you to charge a beach with guns lined up against you. I'm not asking you to sacrifice anything except for some of your time, some of your energy, and some of your money, to strike a blow for freedom."

Look Rick, I know you don't live around here... or in Pennsylvania at all, but let me clue you in to a little fact about Western PA: we're cool with assault the first time it happens. Hey maybe there was some contact between Obama and freedom, but from the sounds of it things were consensual. Plus, what with these tea party demonstrations and pleas for money, it seems that freedom is only interested in cash and attention. Then there are these multiple stories of how Obama assaulted freedom; from ramming health care down freedom's throat to bailing out banks to being a Muslim, that I just don't know if we can believe freedom's allegations.

However, if this happens a second time.... well... Western PA will certainly be demanding Obama's trade. Possibly to Canada for a 5th round pick.

Surely it wasn't all third rate war and rape allegory. Surely there had to be good news to spread.

As Mr. Santorum was introduced, some chanted "2012," urging him to run for president. In an interview afterward, Mr. Santorum said only that he wants to have an impact on the race, as a candidate or otherwise.

"I'm considering it, but it's way too premature to make any decisions at this point," he said about a possible White House run.

Oh please baby Jesus, tell me that the 2012 battle for the soul of the Republican party is going to be waged by Santorum, Huckabee, Palin, Bachmann, and Newtie. I know they'll televise it, but at podiums on a stage doesn't seem to befit the majesty of such an event. Perhaps there's an open sewer pit that can be rented out. Perhaps one that has been tainted with radioactive waste. Then they can battle it out for the GOP nomination with some irradiated alligators and whoever wins, be it man, woman, or gator, will have the atomic mutations necessary to beat Barry in an election that ACORN surely will have spent years rigging.

Stop considering it, Rick. Run!

Rad

Former disgraced House Speaker and small salamander namesake Newt Gingrich has had a tough time over the last few months. He's still egotistical and deluded enough that he thinks the country is clamoring for a Gingrich Presidency, so in turn he has to keep himself on the public eye. To that end he has taken to a slightly schizophrenic method of trying to keep his name out there, alternately trying to come off as not one of those crazy Palin-esque nutbag right wingers to the general public and as trying to come off as the King of the crazy Palin-esque nutbag right wingers to the GOP base. It's a tough tightrope to walk, especially when you have no principles.

So yesterday Newt was at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference in New Orleans. Among the notable things was the inability of anyone there to actually mention Hurricane Katrina. As an aside, what do you think were the main bullet points in the presentation on Southern Republican "leadership"? I'm guessing "crazy it up a little, a black guy is in office", "try not to be too racist, a black guy is in office", and "don't fuck mistresses in Argentina". Anyway Newt got up there to remind everyone what they were up against.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, a potential presidential candidate in 2012, called Barack Obama on Thursday "the most radical president in American history" who oversees a "secular, socialist machine."
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"The most radical president in American history has now thrown down the gauntlet to the American people: 'I run a machine. I own Washington and there's nothing you can do about it,'" Gingrich said. He urged his fellow Republicans to stop what he called Obama's "secular, socialist machine."

I was going to come up with some snark about Newt and his statement, but then our crack research staff uncovered something that proved his declaration that Obama was the most radical President in US history:



I think we all have to agree... that's pretty fucking radical! Maybe even tubular, stoked, bodacious, bitchin', boss, primo, or something that makes you say 'cowabunga' while doing some air guitar.

It's just a shame Obama couldn't be photographed catching air on his own branded line of skateboards.

So yeah, Obama is definitely the most radical goddamn President in US history. Unless someone finds a picture of Teddy Roosevelt jumping 20 school buses on a red, white, and blue motorcycle. Good call, Newt. I'm not sure about the "secular, socialist machine" part, but if that machine has giant claw hands, tank treads, the face of a mechanical dragon, rocket thrusters, and shoots lasers, well, I think Obama has the radical thing all sewed up.

Finally!

You know, some men have dreams of greatness. Of going to the moon, climbing Everest, or finding an exceptionally large bag of money. Me? My dreams are about my own personal entertainment. And the bag of money thing. But mostly I just want life to entertain me as I've given up most hope that there is any other joy to be wrung from it.

That's why I have been praying for a Sarah Palin/Michele Bachmann 2012 Presidential ticket. What's more entertaining than two crazy, deluded women, rife with conspiracy theories about socialism, a fundamental lack of understanding about anything, and a propensity for mind shattering gaffes teaming up together to attempt to win the Presidency? Nothing. Well, OK, a lot of things. But you'd have to admit it'd be funny. I'm just glad to see that I'm not the only one thinking ahead for the future of comedy. Charity scam artist and military family bilker Sean Hannity thinks along the same lines.

"Are either one of you considering a run for the presidency in 2012?" Hannity asked the two. "I'm just asking. Gov. Palin, I'll start with you -- but before I get their answers, how many of you would like to see a Palin-Bachmann ticket?"

The live audience from the Minnesota Republican Party rally that day roared in applause and cheering at this idea. "Well that sounds kind of cool," said Palin.

Sarah hems and haws and faiths it up with a little dash of God on the side and Michele hems and haws and forgets that Geraldine Ferraro existed, however neither commits. Of course neither rules it out, so there's still hope.

All I'm saying is that I'll do anything to get this to happen. I'll sacrifice chickens, take some anti-psychotics and watch Hannity's show, pray to the baby and adult Jesus, and even donate money from the bag of money that I'm sure I'll find in the next two years. Just watch any of the videos from their appearance. Palin tries to write Naughty By Nature's comeback hit and Bachmann rants about the economic coup that has transpired. I think we're all in agreement: this needs to happen.

Quote of the Day

Ex-TV host and current xenophobe Lou Dobbs is currently mulling a White House bid. But, thanks to those assholes in Washington and their precious 15th Amendment and 1965 Voting Rights act, Mexicans and other various Latin races are able to vote in Presidential elections. Lou, being the smart and educated man he is, realizes that this, as well as all the other groups he's pissed off, might cause problems for his completely irrational and borderline delusional dreams of being President. So he's gonna get pro-active.

DOBBS: And for the first time, I’m actually listening to some people about politics. I don’t think I’ve got the nature for it, but we’ve got to do something in this country, and I think that being public arena means you’ve got to part of the solution. By the way, I’m reaching out right now to Latino groups, to the Chamber of Commerce, the Business Roundtable — all of the groups with whom I’ve been in an ongoing debate, to try to bridge some of these conflicts and try to create solutions. And I think we’re well on our way to doing that.

"Ongoing debate". Well that's certainly an interesting way to put it. When you were out accusing Mexicans of bringing leprosy and the plague into the US in between your fantastical rants about armies of Latin criminals invading the US to reconquer it, I'm not sure those "Latin groups" thought you were engaging in an ongoing debate. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's the source of all your "conflicts" with them and the "solution" is probably somewhere in the realm of "stop being a virulent racist."

But good luck in your ongoing quest to get Mexicans to like you so they'll vote for you. I'm sure they'll ask you to stop talking absolute shit about Latin immigrants, you'll counter with an agreement to make eye contact with your gardener, and in no time you'll have patched things up and be well on your way to getting 0% of the Latin vote. Dobbs 2012!

Quote of the Day

One of the great things about Sarah Palin is not so much her media appearances, but the way she effects other Republicans' media appearances. Like when GOP lawmakers and pundits have to spend half their interview time trying to justify her existence as an important member of their party. Good times.

Because the media is cruel, one of the questions that invariably comes up is the old "Is Sarah Palin qualified to be President" question comes up. The actual answer is "no, of course not", but no one in the GOP can bring themselves to say this. So after their eyes nearly bug out of their head when the question is asked, they then, through gritted teeth, declare "yes, yes she is" before moving on. You can actually see their minds recoil in horror as they say it.

But gritting his teeth and telling an absurd lie is just something that Gov. Haley Barbour (R-MS) just couldn't do. So he got literal up in this bitch.

In an appearance on Hardball yesterday, Gov. Haley Barbour (R-MI) was asked if Sarah Palin is qualified to be President in 2012. Barbour responded "Well, constitutionally, she sure is."

Barbour continued: "I don't know anything that disqualifies her from being president."

I concur. Palin not only is a natural born citizen (...or is she? SOMEONE CHECK HER BIRTH CERTIFICATE!), but she is 35 and has probably resided in this country for at least 14 of those years. Yup, those are the legal qualifications to be President. Well argued, Haley. You didn't have to make the baby Jesus cry by telling a lie. Just remember if someone tries to follow up with a "no, I meant ethically, morally, and intellectually" to fake a seizure. Those sons of bitches can never make you give a real answer.

Get out your crayons

Sarah Palin is out there flogging her new book, Going Rogue, reminding us all just how incredibly petty and quick to blame others she is, driving Andrew Sullivan insane, and showing us how she'll pretty much just lie about anything no matter how small. It's something we're all going to have to endure for the next week or two....or 104.

Now of course a bound collection of paper with words and sentences written on it in ink is probably too much of an intellectual hurdle for most of the Palin '12 crowd. Oh, I know most of them will buy it, not read it, and then take Sarah's word that accurately quoting the book and then attempting to compare her claims to reality is some sort of vicious slander. But, where will they be able to receive Sarah's written message in a venue more suited to their reading "talents"?

Enter Julie Sigwart & Micheal Stinson, authors of Going Rouge: The Sarah Palin Rogue Coloring and Activity Book




It's like listening to her, but with things to color in.

For the love of God go away

Rick Santorum is back and for the love of God I don't have any clue why. Is America clamoring for the leadership of a man who got his head caved in by 18 points to a charisma vacuum like Bob Casey? Does the Republican party need yet another orthodox Christian conservative with a lot of shady lobbying ties who wishes to take the party further out into the wilderness? I guess he's convinced so, because he's going to Iowa to start stumping for 2012.

“I have to tell you I was surprised by the response, just invitations…If you Googled ‘Santorum in Iowa’ before I did that Politico interview, there were 350 items would come up, entries that would come up on the search. I Googled it this morning. You know how many came up? Guess….1,360,000 entries! That surprised me, you know, when I see that and when I saw the reaction out there. It’s a little, it makes you step back and think when I actually wasn’t thinking about it.

“You say I should have been thinking about this long ago. Well, I wasn’t. Am I thinking about it seriously now? Well, I’m here.

That's funny, you know what the first thing that came up for me when I Googled Santorum? Oh, nothing.

Quote of the weekend

Former Miss California Carrie "Jesus wanted me to get these implants" Prejean, vying to become the third most influential Republican behind Joe the Plumber and Sarah Palin, on how large of a golden house God is going to give her for hating fags harder than any beauty queen had ever attempted to do during a beauty pageant.

"Even though I didn't win the crown that night," said Prejean, while pausing to fight back tears, "I know that the Lord has so much of a bigger crown in heaven for me." "God chose me for that moment because he knew that not only would I be the one to stand up for him and for the truth, but because he knew I was strong enough to get through all the junk that I've been through," said Prejean. "I feel as if I'm Miss Universe."

You aren't Miss Universe. That's a separate crown where the organizers also would have been horrified at your "God sez so" opinion on "opposite marriage." But you are set up quite well to vie for the crown in an even more degrading, emotionally crippling beauty pageant: the 2012 Republican Presidential Primary. You keep flogging that anti-gay, "free speech means everyone has to reward me for saying something repellent", dishonest, Bible thumping, ego mania and you might just vault Michelle Bachmann into the VP slot on Sarah Palin's White House run.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.14

It’s Showdown Week for the Baucus Six, With a Medicaid Fight Looming
Max Baucus is finally ready to put his chairman's seal of approval on some health care legislation this week. The only question is if he'll be able to forge some sort of compromise with the bill they've written and get Republican lawmakers to sign on (HA!), or if he'll just rubber stamp the bill without their support. Because after all, after the bill that you've crafted with the expressed purpose of gaining Republican votes fails to get the Republican votes of the people who directly negotiated with, the only solution is to move forward with that bill and all the provisions in it that failed to capture Republican votes.

Charles Darwin film 'too controversial for religious America'
I don't know whether to sing a verse from the "Star Spangled Banner" or "America, Fuck Yeah!" here. A dramatic film about Darwin that is only marginally about evolution has gotten distribution in every other country, but can't get distribution here...for some reason. Now sure, some might say that it's just because the movie is "Flat, dull, and painful to sit through", but that didn't stop Transformers 2, or half-to-three quarters of all movies that get released. Oh well, maybe we can get a documentary about the facts behind the Creation Museum instead.

Closing The Book On The Bush Legacy
Who would have ever thought that a census could ever provide a furious smackdown of the Bush legacy? But when you look at the trend lines from previous Presidents comparing median income, adults living in poverty, children living in poverty, access to health care, Americans uninsured, Americans receiving employer health insurance, Amer.....look it's rather a lot of things, we'll just say "everything either declined in a bad way or rose in a bad way" and be done with it.

Stiglitz Says Banking Problems Are Now Bigger Than Pre-Lehman
What is it with these Nobel Prize winning economists and their need to let everyone know that not only were they right about the economic collapse, but that they have some new soul crushing revelations? Things are worse and problems are larger? Who would have ever thought that would be the result after a Congress completely in the pocket of the banking and financial industries committed themselves to doing nothing other than handing out large sums of cash? For those of you that are interested, this is Part 124,868 in the series America: Not Learning From It's Mistakes.

Santorum Admits to Pondering Run for Republican Presidential Nomination - Asks for Prayers
Can he tell if the prayers are coming from heathen sources only wishing for him to engage in electoral failure that matches this moment of greatness? Surely he's going to be able to tell that my prayers, Sean's prayers, and Dan Savage's prayers aren't filled with anything other than malicious intent, right?

Quote of the day

Minnesota's shame, Michelle Bachmann, on how pointing out her ludicrous statements and the cheap, redneck theatre that is Sarah Palin while laughing to the point of pants urination is an evil attempt to deny America it's first women President:

BACHMANN: Also with women politicians, they want to make sure no women, no woman becomes president before a Democrat woman, and so they’re doing everything they can to, I think, sabotage women like Sarah Palin, perhaps women like myself, or similarly situated women, to make sure that we don’t have a prominent national voice.

I think you're giving dirty liberals too much credit. Democrats can't even organize eonught to pass something they want.

But still, dare I hope against hope and get excited about the possibility of a Cheney, Giuliani, Bachmann, and Palin 2012 Republican primary.....or *glee* some sort of Palin/Bachmann ticket? Oh, I'm getting light headed here. We wouldn't even have to run this blog, we could just post transcripts from press conferences and speeches. Alright Matthew, breathe, calm down, this is only a possibility, it might not happen. You haven't been that good and God wouldn't reward you with something as awesome as BACHMANN FOR PRESIDENT '12.

"If I felt that's what the Lord was calling me to do, I would do it," she answered. "When I have sensed that the Lord is calling me to do something, I've said yes to it. But I will not seek a higher office if God is not calling me to do it. That's really my standard.

"If I am called to serve in that realm I would serve," she concluded, "but if I am not called, I wouldn't do it."

Uh, Jehovah? Get off your fucking goldbricking ass and ask already.

What the fuck?

Palin to Resign as Governor of Alaska

Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska announced Friday that she would step down by the end of the month and not seek a second term as governor, fueling speculation that she is trying to position herself as a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012.
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“We know we can effect positive change outside of government,” she said in making the announcement. Her official statement here.

Huh? Is she really just hanging it up for good? There are staffers saying that she isn't done with politics. Mary Matalin and Bill Kristol are out telling new outlets what a brilliant move Palin was making by quitting, which tells you one thing: you shouldn't let Matalin or Kristol advise you on anything. Lord knows I haven't given her much credit and I, as well as most people who have ever seen her, heard her, or really anyone with a functionally cognitive nervous system, found her to be be frighteningly dim. But even I can't believe she's dumb enough to quit midway through her term as Governor after a disastrous VP run and try to use it to springboard to a 2012 run, right? A half a term. Her farewell speech wasn't even competent, it was the barely lucid ramblings of an insane person.

Really? The whole plan is to spend time campaigning and talking about policy? No, she can't have that poor of a political sense. Something must be up. Some horrible news must be about to drop. Let's go to the odds:

1-2 : She is that dumb
4-1 : Has the same Argentinian lover as Mark Sanford
3-1 : Pregnant again...and so are Bristol and Willow
6-1 : David Letterman's constant jokes have broken her mentally
5-1 : Tasked by CIA to undertake secret mission to keep Putin from invading US mainland
10-1 : Thinks she has the chops to run Honduras
8-2 : Needs to devote serious training time to the Iditarod
2-1 : The Universe wanted to get Sean something good for his birthday, but didn't have any old, racist senators left to kill
5-1 : Has finally accepted that deep down, she is completely unqualified for any higher elected office
4-1 : Trying to make Katie Couric feel bad for all those mean spirited "Could you be more specific" gotcha questions during the campaign
3-1 : Alaska is just an awful place to live and she just can't take it anymore

Take the money

Remember South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford? You know, the guy that wanted to grandstand for the 2012 primaries instead of helping his state. The guy who decided $700 million budgets holes for the school system were preferable to the icy grip of socialism. Remember how we all figured it would end: with his removal from office or his subsequent near death beating by White House officials armed with sacks full of stimulus money? Well, it turns out Rahm might be making a trip down to Charleston and it ain't for a low country boil. He's got a burlap sack full of nickels and bad intentions.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford requested stimulus cash for the state's schools Monday, telling the U.S. education secretary he's doing so under duress and the $700 million in bailout money will create more problems.

The request to Education Secretary Arne Duncan, sent by e-mail, caps months of Sanford's criticism of the $787 billion federal economic recovery law that raised the national political profile of the Republican Governors Association chairman and speculation of a 2012 White House bid. The state Supreme Court ordered him Thursday to follow a state budget law and request the money for the state's schools and colleges.

"First, it's important to state one last time for the record what a monumentally terrible idea I believe the entire so-called stimulus act is, and why in particular utilizing this money as our General Assembly has done is ultimately going to cause more harm than good," Sanford wrote in the letter to Duncan.

And what led to this change of heart followed by uncontrollable bitching and whining? Was it common sense? The threat of nude photo release? The desire to do what's right but still appear to dance for the base? No, the Supreme Court of South Carolina got out their legal shillelagh, rapped him across the knuckles, and ordered him to act like an adult. They issued a Writ of Mandamus, which is some sort of powerful wizard enchantment using newt eyes and dark/terrible secrets divined from the Necronomicon and latter Harry Potter books.

So that knocks Sanford out of the GOP 2012 horror show. Doing something rational and sane, even only because a court forced you to, is a GOP base no-no. It's a shame, bankrupting the state's educational system in an insane bid to do battle with the invisible hand of socialism you saw looming over SC seemed like such a rational plan. Oh well Mark, there's always 2016.

Quote of the day: what the fuck?

From Joe the Plumber, aka Edward R. Pipesnake, on his journalism tour of the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. His conclusion? Abolish that pesky media, lest they try to cover a war.

I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think journalists should be anywhere allowed war. I mean, you guys report where our troops are at. You report what’s happening day to day. You make a big deal out of it. I think it’s asinine. You know, I liked back in World War I and World War II when you’d go to the theater and you’d see your troops on, you know, the screen and everyone would be real excited and happy for’em. Now everyone’s got an opinion and wants to downer–and down soldiers. You know, American soldiers or Israeli soldiers.

I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting. You know, war is hell. And if you’re gonna sit there and say, “Well look at this atrocity,” well you don’t know the whole story behind it half the time, so I think the media should have no business in it.

Video horrorshow here. You are looking at your 2012 VP candidate. Palin/Plumber in '12. This is what the Mayans were warning about.

Profiles in class: Michael Barone

Michael Barone, senior writer for US News and World Report

"The liberal media attacked Sarah Palin because she did not abort her Down syndrome baby," Barone said, according to accounts by attendees. "They wanted her to kill that child. ... I'm talking about my media colleagues with whom I've worked for 35 years."

I think that's overly simplistic. I mean sure all of liberal America hated the fact that she gave birth, I mean we are trying to outlaw the concept, but we were also incensed at the clear presence of shoes during that pregnancy and the lack of timesheets proving residence in a kitchen. Also that she was insufficiently a liberal feminazi. I know those concepts don't seem to go together, but they do. You just have to cross your brain, unfocus it, like a mental Magic Eye painting.

You're on to us Mr. Barone. Well played. Unfortunately it was too late, our man has already been elected. See you in 2012.

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