At least this didn't take 400 years to correct. Ask Galileo.

After months and months of the kind of bad PR your get when it's found you have continued to ignore child molestation and rape cases, have let priests go unpunished, stood in the way of justice, and reacted with a tin ear when governments, people, and law enforcement decided to pick up the slack, the Catholic Church has come out with some new guidelines into the handling and prosecution of sexual abuse cases. Namely 1: they will now actually care about or pretend to care about sexual abuse cases. And 2: they totally promise to rap a few knuckles this time.

See, when you threaten to arrest and question the Pope in a legal deposition, shit gets done.

Maybe I'm explaining it poorly. Let's have the Lord dumb it down for us.

In its most significant revision to church law since a sex abuse crisis hit the United States a decade ago and roared back from remission in Europe this spring, the Vatican on Thursday issued new internal rules making it easier to discipline priests who have sexually abused minors.
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In its revision, the Vatican doubled the statute of limitations in abuse cases from 10 to 20 years from the victim’s 18th birthday and added possession of child pornography and the sexual abuse of mentally disabled adults to the list of crimes handled by the Vatican’s doctrinal office, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.

In a statement, the Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, said the changes were a sign of the church’s commitment to addressing child sex abuse with “rigor and transparency.”

Good. It seemed the previous modus operandi was to molest children with vigor and transparent, erotic vestments.

But, lest we commit the sin of too much internet snark, we will at least offer up our tepid applause. After all, while this is a sweeping new policy, it's one that should have been an obvious move, oh, say, a long fucking time ago. Plus, all it is now is some words on a paper, let's see you put it into action, as you lot don't have the best record when it comes to following your own guidelines on not fucking kids. Make it more than, as Bishopaccountability.org put it, "administrative tinkering of a secretive internal process."

Still, I'm surprised. Not that they finally did something, no, overwhelming, constant, and unrelenting negative attention, combined with cries of outrage, police raids, and threats of legal action will light a fire under a person's ass. I'm surprised that the modern, foot-shooting Catholic Church didn't find a way to bollocks this all up with some tin eared proclamation or ill conceived announcement.

But in a move that infuriated victims’ groups and put United States bishops on the defensive, it also codified “the attempted ordination of women” to the priesthood as one of the church’s most grave crimes, along with heresy, schism and pedophilia.

There it is.

Razing Arizona

If you've been wondering how Arizona could get even classier and find a way to top its "HEY! YOU LOOK MEXICAN!" law, they're here to tell you they've finally thought of it. You know how we all hate the Constitution? You're in luck, Arizona does too.

Buoyed by recent public opinion polls suggesting they're on the right track with illegal immigration, Arizona Republicans will likely introduce legislation this fall that would deny birth certificates to children born in Arizona — and thus American citizens according to the U.S. Constitution — to parents who are not legal U.S. citizens. The law largely is the brainchild of state senator Russell Pearce, a Republican whose suburban district, Mesa, is considered the conservative bastion of the Phoenix political scene.
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But the likely new bill is for the kids. While SB1070 essentially requires of-age migrants to have the proper citizenship paperwork, the potential "anchor baby" bill blocks the next generation from ever being able to obtain it. The idea is to make the citizenship process so difficult that illegal immigrants pull up the anchor and leave.
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But that was 1868. Today, Pearce says the 14th Amendment has been "hijacked" by illegal immigrants. "They use it as a wedge," Pearce says.

Ah yes, the quintessentially American state of mind that causes us to see our laws and way of life as under an imaginary threat ("The Mexicans is takin' over illegally!") and then go about dismantling those freedoms, undermining that way of life, and violating our laws in order to "protect" ourselves. This time that onerous 14th Amendment has to go. Just who does that legal document outlining the supreme law of the United States think it is?

So head back to Mexico illegals and take your US citizen children with you. The Governor says so. Stop plaguing us with the "wrong" and "immoral" ways in which you situation confiens to our Constitution. What did your children do to deserve to be citizens anyway? It's not like they did what Governor Brewer and Rep. Pearce did to become citizens: be born white and then act with a smug sense of entitlement that they "earned" their natural born citizenship.

So eat it, Mexicans and the Constitution. Mexicans, sure, your US born kids might be US citizens, but consider this your first lesson in the way American works: our laws usually have tons of wiggle room when it comes to "the tans" and "the darks". Teach your kids that... from Guadalajara. And to the Constitution, sure we may bleat on and on about how you're the supreme law of the land, but that's only when you don't piss off right wing white people and their attempts to demonize minorities for naked political purposes. Then you're an onerous burden. Shape up or we'll start ignoring you on even more stuff besides the 14th amendment and all the war on terror/spying stuff. Get it straight.

Science for kids

So you've been wondering how to explain to your kids the wonders of science and how a bunch of scientists on the French/Swiss border are going to open up a black hole, ending life as we know it in a vainglorious attempt to kill God. Do you attempt to dumb down some heady scientific text on the Large Hadron Collider? Do you hope that some shred of scientific fact is allowed onto major network TV or cable news? Or do you just wait for the episode where Elmo and the Cookie Monster explain Higgs-Boson particles and superconductors?

Well wait no more. In an attempt to explain the Large Hadron Collider to kids.... and essentially every adult without a physics degree, Emma Sanders and Anton Radevsky have written Voyage to the Heart of Matter, a pop-up book that explains the LHC, it's layout, the various machines, and exactly in what detail science plans to kill our Creator.

And just in case the little monster you've spawned tries to slam your efforts to enlighten their dumb ass with some business about the book not getting the sheer magnitude of the machines right, you just tell that wretched shrieking creature that "The scale of the particle accelerator and various machines within the book is exact, you awful little shit. Now shut up and learn about science or I'll lock you in the cupboard again."

Omar comin'... with paint

We all love David Simon's HBO masterpiece the Wire. We all love paintball. But for years we've fruitlessly fell to our knees, shook our fists to the sky and scream "WHY! Why can't these two activities be combined in some way?!" The Gods have heard your cries and this Sunday, from 8-11 in the AM, you can play Kima, Carver, Snoop, Slim Charles, Marlo Stanfield, and Omar Little in a game of paintball for the Moving Mountains charity.

Streets vs. the Law. The Law seems a little outnumbered... just like in the show. It also says "characters from the show", so there's an outside chance you'll be playing against Michael K. Williams as Omar Little. After the festivities are over, you'll be treated to a meal, and then your lifeless body will be boarded up in a vacant. Oh indeed.

For the kids

You know, it's been a while since we've openly mocked our elected betters in Washington for nakedly playing politics with important issues. It must be a few days now since we've done it. But we can only mock them when they give us fresh material. I mean we can't make the stuff up, right? I mean sure, I'd love for our legislative branch to somehow combine politicizing education, disrespect for the sciences, needlessly harming kids, actively trying to dumb down future generations, and add in massive dashes of cheap legislative tricks, political cowardice, and a healthy dose of repressed sexual puritanism, but that kind of stuff just doesn't happen everyday.

Wait. In 3... 2... 1...

In an example of Republican obstructionism rendered beautiful by its simplicity, the GOP yesterday killed a House bill that would increase funding for scientific research and math and science education by forcing Democrats to vote in favor of federal employees viewing pornography.
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In this case, Republicans included a provision that would bar the federal government from paying the salaries of employees who've been disciplined for viewing pornography at work.

To proceed with the bill and bring it to a final vote, Democrats would have had to vote against the motion to recommit, and against the porn ban.

But they didn't have the stomach for it, and 121 Democrats jumped ship and voted with Republicans to kill the bill.

Eat it kids. "It" being 'Waste or excrement from the digestive tract that is formed in the intestine and expelled through the rectum'. You'd know about that whole process as well as the basic digestive process that would happen after you ate 'it'... if you didn't just have your science and biology curriculum needlessly fucked with by adults, that is. Well, legally they're adults, but in reality they're more childish than you'll ever be my dear, sweet, stupid, stupid children.

Ideally the bill is still able to be brought back up for a vote, but who knows what amendments supporting funds for the perverted arts, motions to support the rape of everyone's mother, and efforts to tack on riders that give away home makeovers and manicures to child murderers will have to be dealt with so that our children will not regress into fearing the fire orb in the sky and eating mud.

Wonderful. In order to look like they don't support the porn, our elected betters choose to support dicking over kids and education, all the while not actually doing anything to make themselves look less like conscienceless assholes and getting nothing done. I think that is the textbook definition of a win-win-win-win scenario. So good we have adults in Washington tackling the important issues in a serious manner.

The financial crisis explained

Did you ever wish you had a better understanding of the financial crisis but thought it was all too dense, wonky, and economicky for you to understand? Don't you think you'd be able to understand it better if a bunch of puppets explained it to you in song? Well thankfully the Dylan Ratigan Show on MSNBC and the Story Pirates heard the pleas of a desperate nation and condensed the crisis down into a couple of songs that a smarmy puppet sings to precocious children.

This is how all news should be explained.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Need a quick birthday party idea?

Children. God love 'em. They truly are the future. But sometimes the "future" needs to be severely traumatized and made to think that they are being stalked by a murderous demon who wishes to do them harm. We all know this. It has been a bog standard part of child raising since time immemorial. Thankfully one Swiss company has decided to take the hassle out of you yourself doing the own damage to your kid. You can now rent out that kind of psychological trauma.

Dominic Deville stalks young victims for a week, sending chilling texts, making prank phone calls and setting traps in letterboxes. He posts notes warning children they are being watched, telling them they will be attacked.

But Deville is not an escaped lunatic or some demonic monster. He is a birthday treat, hired by mum and dad, and the ‘attack’ involves being splatted in the face with a cake.

‘The child feels more and more that it is being pursued,’ said Deville. ‘The clown’s one and only aim is to smash a cake into the face of his victim, when they least expect it, during the course of seven days.’

See? He's not an escaped lunatic, just a professional one, and he's not a demonic monster, just dressed like one. Can't you see why this is such a great idea. I mean if the kid does avoid the attack/shitting his or herself.... they get to keep the cake! Surely that is a valid reward for a week of being stalked by a demonic clown.

As if you needed another reason to think this was perhaps the greatest idea ever, it has the full endorsement of Clowns International. I have no idea what Clowns International is but I really, really hope that it's a clown and clowning trade union, with leadership votes, dues, strikes, and everything. Smokey rooms filled with cigar smoking fatcats saying things like "We gotta bust up this clown union! Then we can really start makin' some money!" or a man in a full clown suit banging his hand on a table and yelling "You can't push the clowns around any more! We get a fair wage for a days clowning or we strike and shut down this clowning factory!" Maybe a weepy businessman says "These clowns have got us over a barrel... give in to their demands." At least that's the way it goes in my dreams.

So, if you wish to traumatize your kid and you're too much of a pussy to get a divorce and blame it on him/her, then this is he next best thing. Unfortunately it's only available in Lucerne, Switzerland for now. Hopefully someone will be bringing this service stateside soon, otherwise our kids will only have general American society and culture to do grievous mental harm to them.

Chart of the day

The Washington Post brings us this little nugget of post decade statistical reflection. The past decade was the worst for jobs... in the last seven decades. Take heart in the fact that the only reason that they aren't willing to say "worst job growth in the history of the United States of Freemerica" is because the Great Depression existed. That's a kind of good news... isn't it?

Anyway, just think of all the stories of hardship you'll be able to tell your grandkids. Instead of tales about walking up a hill to go to school (both ways) you'll be able to show them charts and complex statistical comparisons proving that point. Kids love stats and graphs, right?

The President can make a catch over the middle

How powerful is the NFL? They can convince the President that it's a good idea to star in a nationally run commercial where he's shown doing something athletic in slow motion. "Nah Barry, that won't make you look awkward at all."



What's with our supposed "all-world safety" there? Not only does Troy let a middle-aged, cigarette smoking Muslim socialist get inside position and burn him off the snap, he doesn't even see the hook and ladder play coming. "Elite", my ass.

And running the hook and ladder? "Barry is it is it OK if we show you running a gimmick play that basically symbolizes last ditch hopelessness and throwing all your eggs into a basket in the desperate hope that a miracle occurs and you rally to tie? It's not a metaphor for anything you're attempting politically, we swear."

Broken News: Nations youth celebrates Veterans Day as best it knows how

XBOX LIVE—Today the youth of the United States of America gathered to honor those who had served, fought, and risked their lives for their country in the only way this generation knows how: by assembling online to play war videogame Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

“This is for everyone who ever served this great land. DIE YOU FUCKIN’ FAGS, I’M THE FRAG KING” 16 year old XBOX Live user KiNG 3lr0nd yelled into his headset whilst he stormed an enemy encampment during a particularly intense multiplayer round.

“No…YOU’RE THE FAG, YOU FUCKIN’ DOUCHENOZZLE,” game opponent and user aFLockOfCock yelled back, in somber honor of the veterans that this day was created to honor. “OOH HEADSHOT, YOU FUCKIN’ BITCH. I FUCKING GANKED YOUR CHEAP RESPAWN CAMPING ASS!! Look, I’m humping your worthless corpse. Look!”

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, a first person shooter war simulation game that focuses on more current types of urban and counter-terrorist military actions, was released earlier in the week to much fanfare. It is the sixth in the series and expected to be its highest selling, not only due to the high level of realism, but for the very fact that it is returning to more current and relevant types of conflicts, abandoning the World War II theme that had comprised four of the previous games.

“Yeah I was getting tired of killing Nazi’s, I think everyone was,” observed user AzzP1sst0n, himself a veteran of the previous 5 games. “It’s pretty sweet. I’m really glad that Activision decided to make this release into a national event and honor those of us who have stuck with this series since the beginning with our own themed day. I was going to call in to my job to tell them I was taking this Call of Duty Veterans Day off, but no one was in the office. I guess they’re all big fans of the game too.”

He paused before adding, “Ooh, this next mission takes place in Kazakhstan. That shit was totally in Borat. Hilarious.”

While not much of the online chatter about the game has focused on the incongruity of releasing a violent war videogame the day before Veterans Day, or even the fact that there is a Veterans Day happening this week, youth education and marketing analysts are quick to point out that this doesn’t mean that there is some kind of staggering disconnect between military video games and the real world military actions these games seek to emulate.

“Nah, kids don’t like to broadcast anything as being cool because that makes it uncool, that’s why it only makes them seem unaware that its Veterans Day,” observed Dr. Ralph Parker, XBOX Live handle Dr. D3aTh, who studies youth culture and has also unlocked several hidden achievements and guns in Call of Duty’s online play.

“No, I clearly hear a lot of chatter online about getting ‘betrayed’ in multi-player games, which is clearly a reference to German feelings after the Armistice of World War I, which is what this holiday was originally created to celebrate. Their obsessive playing of this game is just this generation’s way of honoring those who fought for America: by playing bloodless recreations of battles many of these soldiers were involved in, girding themselves in military terminology to make their multiplayer campaigns seem more realistic, and calling each other fags and gloating over particularly awesome headshots.”

“Ooh!” Parker added. “Did you see that? That dumb fucker tried to throw a grenade up a hill!”

Still, there were some gamers willing to come right out and thank veterans.

“Huh? There’s two soldier remembrance days? I thought we already had one…Memory Day or something. That was cool, we had a bad ass cookout,” said a grateful Sn1persSuckZ0rZ, another long time Call of Duty veteran who has risen to command his own multi-player squad.

“What? No I wasn’t talking to you,” he added, talking into his headset. “Yeah, some bullshit about real wars or something…..Yeah…No I’ll totally tell them how much you suck at this shit and how badass I am…No, look…No, go stand your faggy ass on top of that building and rain hell down on the other team…Because I told you so, bitch….I don’t care…we need unit cohesion, brah, ….fine, quit, see if I care…..no, I run this guild, dickhole….fine, fuck off then. Fag!”

As of press time the nation’s veterans weren’t willing to respond to any questions for this story, choosing instead to sigh deeply, shake their heads, and wonder what it is they fought for.

Nice to see the kid doing well

When last we left former President Bush we were all exhaling in relief as he finally left Washington for good, frantically reassuring each other that there was no way he could still enact legislation anymore. But we all wondered what he would get up to in his post-Presidential years. Would he try to become a large scale player on the international humanitarian field like Bill Clinton and his Clinton Global Initiative? Would he build houses and try to act as a foreign policy conscience like Jimmy Carter? Or would he do one of the things we all hoped he do, like get arrested and prosecuted for all the shit he did while he was President, or, even better, get rabies during a possum hunting trip?

None of the above. No, after finding that people didn't want to hear him on the lecture circuit, he found something more on his level: stealing gigs from 3rd string Dallas Cowboys running backs from the eighties, ex-Texas A&M linebackers who found God, and fifth tier Tony Robbins' wannabes on the motivational speaker circuit.

Yesterday, he spoke to nearly 15,000 people at the “Get Motivated!” seminar in Forth Worth, TX. He mostly focused on “lighter topics such as picking out a rug design for the Oval Office that reflected his ‘optimism.’” The Dallas News reports that for this 28-minute speech, Bush received at least $100,000 — a rate of $3571 per minute:
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It was a rousing, upbeat celebration of positive thinking and conspicuous success. Speakers were introduced with peppy music, confetti drops and bursts of pyrotechnics exploding from each corner of the stage (but not for Bush – Secret Service orders).

Oh a rousing time was had by all. There was even a greatest hits recap from his Presidency as a protester with an "Arrest Bush" sign was forceably removed from the proceedings so that the boy former-king wouldn't have to see it. Hell, even Terry Bradshaw was there throwing out "Pigs for Jesus" wristbands, promoting a nonprofit slaughter operation that benefits children. Seriously. That actually happened. So you can see why an ex-President would want to be involved and make plans to do another: the prestige. Just kidding, it's obviously the money. $100,000 smackeroos just for bullshitting about the Oval Office rug and justifying your massive unpopularity to an underwhelmed audience. Nice to see him cash in at his own intellectual level. He's earned it.

Late nite Palestinian children's show video dump

I don't want to throw too much of a damper on any puppet/muppet related hopes of peace between Israelis and Palestinians, but we have been reminded of previous failed examples. There is the case of Mickey Farfour here, a Palestinian children's show mascot who was struck down by the Israelis.



Luckily Farfour's struggle against the Zionists was taken up by a giant bee.....who died because the Zionists denied him healthcare for whatever bee related illness he had. Luckily his cause was taken up by a giant rabbit, Assud, who....eats Jews or something.



Will the puppet/muppet/man in shoddy suit based violence never end? I can only hope that Karim and Haneen from Shara’a Simsim learn the lessons of Farfour, that bee thing, and the pink bunny. Because Israel doesn't fuck around with uppity Palestinian puppets, even if they are backed by the Children's Television Workshop.

h/t Jesse

Quote of the day

These Bastards Medal of Freedom recipient and Rhode Island youth services Sgt. Carl Weston:

“I’ve been doing this a long time, and I can’t find anything that says it’s illegal for a 16-year-old or a 17-year-old to take her top off and dance.”

What's he talking about? Why Rhode Island finding out that state law allows 16-year-olds to be strippers....provided they have a work permit and stop stripping by 11:30 on a school night. No, seriously.That's right, you can't buy pornography or star in it until you're 18, but you can strip. Furthermore you can't even work construction until you're 18, but you can strip. Rhode Island legislators aren't even sure if prospective 16-year-old strippers are prohibited from offering sexual favors in exchange for cash. Why? Because Rhode Island allows indoor prostitution! How has Rhode Island been flying under the radar on this stuff for so long?

Do you hear that sound? It's the sound of Rhode Island becoming everyone's favorite state. Go fuck yourselves Nevada, what with your "of age" strippers and designated brothels. With nearby Delaware offering up comprehensive sports betting, the two states we used to think of as the most boring non-Dakota states in the US are becoming the new frontier. The new frontier of sports gambling and quasi-legal pedophile behavior, but.....that's still a frontier. Well...done? Someone talk to Connecticut about letting people fish with dynamite.

Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Boy Scouts

When the nation's military and reserves are off fighting two wars and the police are too burdened by crime to deal with border security, who then becomes the front line of America's war on illegal immigration, drug smuggling, human trafficking, terrorism, and other such unsightly problems stemming from US/Mexico border policy? The Boy Scouts. Naturally.

Ten minutes into arrant mayhem in this town near the Mexican border, and the gunman, a disgruntled Iraq war veteran, has already taken out two people, one slumped in his desk, the other covered in blood on the floor.

The responding officers — eight teenage boys and girls, the youngest 14 — face tripwire, a thin cloud of poisonous gas and loud shots — BAM! BAM! — fired from behind a flimsy wall. They move quickly, pellet guns drawn and masks affixed.

“United States Border Patrol! Put your hands up!” screams one in a voice cracking with adolescent determination as the suspect is subdued.

It is all quite a step up from the square knot.

The Explorers program, a coeducational affiliate of the Boy Scouts of America that began 60 years ago, is training thousands of young people in skills used to confront terrorism, illegal immigration and escalating border violence — an intense ratcheting up of one of the group’s longtime missions to prepare youths for more traditional jobs as police officers and firefighters.

.........Yeah. When did the Boy Scouts stop being about camping and pinewood derby races and made a move towards supplanting Blackwater as our nation's largest private army? Not that I'm against BSA doing a little career training and some of that being for law enforcement, but this seems less like that and more like highly decentralized organization allowing for mildly crazy survivalist militaristic types running kids through Army Ranger training far beyond the scope, depth, or breadth of anything the kids will ever become involved in. It seems not so much "this is what police officers do" and more "you are the spear point at the tip of a war"/"this is a legal substitute for SWAT training."

But yeah, I'm sure there will be no problems with a bunch of dads and a discharged Marine drill seargent from the local police force who's on probabtion for "anger issues" training a bunch a kids on use of assault weapons and hostage crisis scenarios. What could possibly go wrong?

FACE!

Great, not only is Bristol Palin going to get knocked up again, now that other teenage Palin daughter (Winstrol? Brack? Trapp? Wilford?) is going to be pregnant soon, sans the protective teachings of abstinence only education. Damn you Obama! Will no one be protected from your wrath?

Keeping with a campaign pledge “not continue to fund abstinence-only programs,” President Obama’s 2010 budget — further details of which were released today — cuts funding for “Community-Based Abstinence Education” and several other abstinence-education programs.

Great, now our children are going to have to hear about intercourse and non-gun based protections in a manner which educates and empirically reduces the number of teen pregnancies. If we aren't going to teach that abstinence is the only thing that works, hand holding leads to pregnancy, and your cock will rot off if you think about naked ladies, can't we at least provide bibles to these sex education classes so that teachers may hit the children with them? No? Fucking liberals.

Why wasn't I informed this existed?

The FEMA backed 9/11 coloring book for kids is no more.

The Smoking Gun reports that FEMA has “removed a children’s coloring book from its web site following criticism over its inclusion of drawings of the September 11 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. The coloring book, titled ‘A Scary Thing Happened,’ is geared towards helping kids ‘cope with disasters.’”

Now they'll have to learn about "the day that changed everything" and color usage in some other way. On the other hand, this'll probably save kids from overusing their grey crayons. Those towers were a bitch to color in and they were on every page.

Important recall announcement

I Heart Guts is sad to inform you that we have issued a voluntary recall for one of our products, the Uterus Plush. For those of you who noticed our impromptu hysterectomy, here’s the story: In an effort to make sure our toys are safe for all ages, the uterus plush failed a child toy safety standards test — basically, if you pull too hard on the fallopian tubes, the ovary pops off, creating a potential choking hazard for small children. While we figured a plush uterus might not be of great interest to kids — we designed it as a collectible plush for adults and marked them for ages 3 and up — we want to be absolutely sure no harm comes from playing with our guts.

I'll have you all know that a safer version is back up for sale at the bargain price of $14.00.

Product whore of the day

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

In the sub-zero wasteland of the planet Hoth, only the strong survive... and of course those lucky Jedi protected by the thick skin of a Tauntaun. Now after exhaustive movie viewing research and analysis ThinkGeek Labs has isolated the exact synthetic compounds needed to re-create Tauntaun fur. What have we done with this supreme knowledge? Created a Tauntaun sleeping bag of course.

Is it wrong or pathetic that I'm mad they don't make an adult version? At least me make some intestine sheets, I'll find the grey fur duvet on my own.