Apologies to Detroit

Everyone is so quick to take out a brickbat and lay into Detroit for its awful state of being. Mostly it's because people have eyes and ears and are mean to the poor, ugly, violent kid with the 3rd world economy.

But perhaps we've been to harsh towards the Motor City. As this chart shows, there are much, much worse places in this country. Detroit gets a bad rap.

Oof, this has not been a good couple of weeks for Cleveland. St. Louis, I'm not even going to touch your problems. But a nice round of applause to Motown for only being 37th in forceable rapes. Though, with the mass exodus from the city, I guess there aren't that many people left to rape or do the raping. It's a loaded stat.

So next time you want to unload on Detroit just because it makes you feel better about the state of your are of the country, just don't. Take some time to unload on St. Louis, Memphis, and Oakland. They're really awful, awful places to be too.

Video of the day

How LeBron to Miami really went down.

Can I point something out

A few days ago LeBron James leaves the city of Cleveland to take his talents to South Beach, by some estimates devaluing the Cavs by $100 million and cost the city and it's businesses $50 million a year.

Yesterday Cleveland comic book legend Harvey Pekar dies.

Today, Cleveland shipping magnate and Yankee owner George Steinbrenner dies of what everyone in the media is calling a MASSIVE -assive -assive heart attack. As opposed to a regular, hilarious, whimsical, easy heart attack.

I don't want to be too much of a doom obsessed gainsayer... but it's clear the God is killing anything and everything successful, talented, powerful, artistic, creative, or wealthy in Cleveland. I'm fairly certain that by week's end a meteor will have hit the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame, Drew Carey will have been murdered and cannibalized by a serial killer, the recipe for brown stadium mustard will be lost for all time, the lake will catch back on fire, the Browns will be able to field a team this year, and most of the townspeople will be turned into pillars of salt.

Cleveland is the new Sodom and Gomorrah and the Lord is piling up his vengeance on thee. Get out while you can. Even then... that didn't save Steinbrenner. I'd say "God have mercy on your souls", but it's clear he doesn't.

He made the grannys club cry

From the Times.

LeGone

As the world watched LeBron's sad, narcissistic farewell/fuck you to the city of Cleveland, one had to sit back in awe at the misguided, cruel, tone deaf, ego stroking nonsense it was. A double fuck you to ESPN, for hyping it and shoving it down everyone's throats. This is why we hate you, Worldwide Leader.

But aside from the whole media whoring, mememememememe, "I wanted to do what was best for LeBron James.... What LeBron James was going to do to make him happy" third person, self-absorbed bullshit that it was, one had to take note at just how needlessly mean it was to a franchise he spent 7 years with and the fans who "witnessed". Or whatever inane Nike slogan it was they used to crown the King. Cleveland, we sympathize. OK, we don't. But it was still a shitty thing to do. As Deadspin put it: "LeBron James is a cocksucker." HE MADE BIEBER CRY!!

On the bright side, your owner went delightfully insane. First posting a letter full of righteous anger that wasn't even tempered by the curious, usually point destroying use of the font Comic Sans. He then knocked LeBron for his poor playoff performance and, rightfully, for quitting during the Celtics series. Fans were burning jerseys, screaming "Judas!", and talking themselves into Jake Delhomme and the upcoming Browns season. You know, depraved shit.

So Sean and I were eagerly awaiting the city's final farewell to LeTraitor, via the front page of the Plain Dealer. What cheap shot would they take? What insult would they hurl? What cruel photoshop would they unveil in order to mock and humiliate the jerkoff who spent an hour, nay offseason, jerking the city around in the unkindest of ways?


Eh. It's a nice, refined version of "Count the no rings, bitch" but we were hoping for so more. So we took it upon ourselves to offer up the city of Cleveland two alternative headlines to send the King off to his new position as Dwyane Wade's sidekick in South Beach.

Tell me they wouldn't already be going back to the printers to order a third run. C'mon Cleveland, this was your one chance to curse in a headline and be cheered for it. Missed opportunity. You had a chance to be justifiably and insanely bitter, vulgar, and mean in print, and you settled for catty.

Take solace though, aside from all the endorsement money he might have just cost himself by turning into the world's most unlikable ass, he probably stored up enough negative karma to engender a multi-ligament blowout on both of his knees somewhere around week one of training camp. Then Miami will be down to fielding a two man team filled out with "Win a spot on the Heat" raffle winners selected from season ticket holders.

Just hold out a little longer. The "delighting in his misery" part will be glorious.

To Cleveland

"Yo Russ, I'm out! See yo ass on South Beach startin' next season. Watch my show. Hey Dwayne, where my beach sandals at?"

You know, as this LeBron ESPN "I'm outta here Cleveland" special is hours away from kicking off, we here at These Bastards would just like to take a moment to offer up some preemptive condolences to the city. Oh sure, we've mocked Cleveland at every opportunity resulting from our Pittsburgh heritage and the sports rivalries inherent within, but we feel for you here.

I mean the biggest superstar in your city, let alone an entire sport, is doing a 1 hour prime time special whose sole purpose is to essentially stab your city in the back, collect a giant check, and give as public a fuck you possible to the people who supported him over his career? And he's from Cleveland to boot? That shit's just cold as ice.

I mean imagine if Sidney Crosby did that to Pittsburgh? Or Hines Ward. Or Ben Ro.... actually, I think we all kind of want #7 to go right now. We just want to be able to go to the bathroom without worrying so much about inappropriate touching in our bathing suit area.

So, putting all that aside, we feel for you.

What, you think we went soft in our old age? Nah, eat it hard Cleveland. This is hilarious. I don't know all that much about this whole hooped sport, what with our fair city having the good sense to never let pro basketball take hold here, but I hope he sins with your biggest rival. Do you even have a biggest rival? The Cavs were pretty much ass before LeBron, so was a rivalry ever built up? Who cares, it's back to mediocrity when he picks some other team at 9 tonight.

Fuck it, I wish there was some way LeBron could sign with the Steelers. Just for a day. Maybe enroll at Pitt and play for Jamie Dixon. Whatever puts salt in the wound more.

Here, Cleveland, the sad trombone plays for you.

Quote of the day

Life is tough as a Cleveland Browns fan. You live in Cleveland, you root for the Browns.... it doesn't get much worse than that unless you're a Detroit Lions fan. But year after year after year you have to put up with first rounds busts, perennial top 10 drafting, 7-9 seasons as the promised land, late season 50 point drubbings, and QB play that makes one yearn for the competence of JaMarcus Russell.

But as if that's not enough, when your team President finally wakes up enough to put you out of some of your misery by jettisoning one of the men who claimed to be a NFL QB and antagonized you for years with his shoddy play, that man turns around and slams your city and team and attempts to levy a voodoo curse on the entire area.

"The fans are ruthless and don't deserve a winner," Anderson wrote Tuesday in a terse e-mail when asked for a reaction to being released. "I will never forget getting cheered when I was injured.

"I know at times I wasn't great. I hope and pray I'm playing when my team comes to town and (we) roll them."

Do you see what happens when you correctly identify shitty QB play and voice your displeasure? The man starts throwing hexes as he's rightfully booted out of town.

On the bright side, we already know Cleveland is a cursed land, removed from God's sight and unfit for human habitation. But given Derek Anderson's penchant for waywardly heaving anything he attempts to throw so off course that it will never be found, isn't there a chance his attempted curse will just hit some other city or even act as a sort of reverse hex, cleansing the city of it's sporting shame? There is hope.

On the other hand, it would just be Cleveland's luck that this is the time Anderson finally gets a semblance of pinpoint accuracy. The Browns will probably never win anything again and LeBron James will somehow find himself being fed into a woodchipper.

Well, at least you have Brady Quinn. Nah, forget it. It's hopeless.

Dream big, Bron Bron

We all have big dreams, whether they're finding a bag of money, seeing Glenn Beck completely lose his mind on live TV (I think we're two weeks away!), living long enough to see the Pirates put together an 82 win season, or finding a bag of money. Celebrities and athletes are no different. So when Maxim magazine got a chance to distract LeBron James from flipping through New York real estate listings long enough to answer a question about his dreams, he did not disappoint. He dreamt big.

[INTERVIEWER]: If there was one guy on the planet you could dunk on, who would it be? That teacher?

[JAMES]: If it doesn’t have to be a basketball player, George W. Bush. I would dunk on his ass, break the rim, and shatter the glass.

I can get behind this. So listen, White House, Congress, and Justice Department. If you aren't going to prosecute anyone in the Bush Administration for all those war crimes, Constitutional crimes, and other various and sundry laws they broke (and we know you aren't) then how about this proposition: pass a law decreeing that your basic murderer's row of Bush Administration crooks (Bush, Cheney, Rove, Gonzales, etc...) instead has to stand six feet from a basketball rim and take the full brunt of LeBron James wheeling down the court at top speed and powering down the lane to dunk the fuck out of a basketball. Maybe a Hurricane Katrina survivor can alley-oop it to LeBron. Whatever, it's his choice. If the Bush officials move or try to flop in an effort to not take the full brunt of King James' fury, then they have to get dunked on again...in a dress. If they can strip James of the ball or block the shot, they get one free Constitutional violation.

I'd act on this fast, because I want part of the punishment for them to be that they have to travel to Cleveland to get dunked on. If you wait until LeBron signs with the Knicks or Nets then you lose that aspect of the punishment package. Hold it at the Cavs arena, sell tickets, put it on PPV and I think we can raise enough money to pay for health care. Oh, one last thing: LeBron has to do it either dressed as Uncle Sam or as one of our more iconic Presidents. Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, whoever.

Broken In Brief: Friends of LeBron in hiding as Cleveland residents seek deportation

CLEVELAND--Several local and national news agencies are reporting that anyone identified as a friend of LeBron James has been taken into protective custody after angry mobs massed at the city center and sought to instigate fights with compatriots of the NBA star. The deluge began early this morning when the Cleveland Browns announced they had traded wide receiver Braylon Edwards to the New York Jets. Edwards is currently under investigation by Cleveland police and the National Football League for allegedly striking promoter Edward Givens, a Friend of LeBron's.

Authorities suggest these roving gangs believe that by assaulting anyone who has achieved Friend of LeBron, or "FOL" status, the would-be assailants might also be deported from the economic and cultural sinkhole in which they currently reside. At press time, most of the business community, the 16-35 age group, and 48 of the 53 active members of the Cleveland Browns roster had been sighted roaming the streets with improvised hand-held weapons, including nailbats, tire irons, frozen shards of human excrement, and the severed head of of first-year Browns coach Eric Mangini.

City leaders have attempted to explain that they have no power to trade citizens and that the events of the past few days were mere coincidence. Many believe these pleas are just a ruse so that members of the city council and the mayor's office will have less competition in their quest to assault LeBron's friends. Doing little to quell these rumors was an article in the Cleveland Plain Dealer alleging that Mayor Frank Jackson had added a savage beating of Cavaliers' forward Anderson Varejao to his weekly itinerary.

"I'm not looking to hurt any of The King's friends, I just want to pop one in the mouth," said Andy Grossi, an unemployed window washer from Cleveland Heights.

"Just knock 'em bad enough to get the police involved and then have the powers that be trade me away to a better, more vibrant city. Maybe Flint, Michigan or Gary, Indiana. Hey, it worked out for Braylon... that ball-dropping son of a bitch. A week from now, he'll be forehead-deep in New York strange. You know those women got no hair below the eyebrows, right? But what about me? What about Andy?"

Broken News: The Battle of Pittsburgh begins

PITTSBURGH--What had been a peaceful beginning to this week's G20 summit erupted into chaos this morning as various anarchist and anti-government fringe groups coalesced into a massive resistance force reportedly under the command of a single shadowy figure.

These neo-anarchists, known only as the Militant Yinzer Naysayin' Usurpers of Totalitarian Scumbags, staged a stunning pre-dawn Oakland raid that left 14 federal agents dead, with nearly twice as many injured. The assailants reportedly took to removing their victims' ears, presumably to use as war trophies. Some have witnessed these severed human parts being placed between two slices of Italian bread, covered with french fries and coleslaw, and devoured in some bizarre local ritual.

Authorities have instructed citizens to avoid entering the city until the conference has concluded or the insurgency quelled, whichever comes first. Roadblocks and checkpoints have been established at all major points of entry into the city, as well as at both ends of over a dozen area bridges.

Given that preparations for the summit included the forced relocation of known anarchist ringleaders, anyone who still possesses "Ron Paul 2008" campaign literature, and half of the faculty from Carnegie Mellon University's College of Humanities and Social Sciences to a "freedom camp" outside of Blawnox, few anticipated such a unified, successful uprising.

"We weren't prepared for this," admitted man-child mayor, Luke Ravenstahl. "We figured it'd be business as usual: mace a few hippies, arrest everyone from the Thomas Merton Center, and let the cops use their batons to work out any lingering anger over pay disputes. You know, remind everyone how the world really works. This isn't what I was told I had been signed up for."

"I did two tours in Iraq," explained Johnstown police officer Jimmy Armstrong, who is somehow collecting double-pay for his "security" role in Pittsburgh while still drawing standard salary from his home precinct. "But I never saw anything like this, man. This morning, two federal badges got dropped by what looked like frozen shitballs filled with razor blades. Not even Hadji did that!"

Several agencies confirmed the assailants' use of sophisticated improvised weaponry, including the aforementioned weaponization of human feces. Insurgents also deployed what appeared to be several hungry, obese beagles wrapped in homemade explosives and trained to attack Kevlar, as well as the constant, morale-crushing drone of Donnie Iris' music blasting from speakers attached to makeshift dirigibles.

"I just remember how ironic it all was," said Pennsylvania state trooper Ben Hammond while recovering at Allegheny General Hospital. "They were pelting us with rocks while Love Is Like a Rock rang out in the streets. Some poor rookie from Harrisburg who got hit with an IC Bomb screamed out 'Ahhhh' during the chorus to Ah! Leah! That's a damn underrated song, by the way. Hadn't heard it in ages. Now I'm always gonna associate it with watching a man taking aluminum shards to the face courtesy of some dynamite strapped to a sixer of Iron City tallboys."

Hammond paused, wincing as a single tear rolled down his cheek. "Sure, the shrapnel must have tore the kid up a bit. But that was god-damned dirty pool to let that carbonated bilge-water spray into his wounds. These people are without honor."

As the confluence of local, state and federal law enforcement struggled to assert authority throughout the day, Pittsburgh Chief of Police Nathan Harper took to the airwaves.

Speaking from an undisclosed location, Chief Harper declared, "This aggression will not stand. If we allow these vagrants to spread their message of hate, MYNUTS will be in the eyes and ears, on the lips of every man, woman, and child within this fair city. If I were MYNUTS, I would come out of hiding and lay myself on the mercy of the courthouse steps."

The success of this morning's attack have given rise to additional splinter groups with no clear demands or purpose beyond organized violence. Police have reported a wide range of rallying cries emanating from the advancing militants.

These included, "Jagoffs fuckin' around on our bridges", "Stillers don't play til Sunday", "LET'S GO PENS! LET'S GO PENS!" and numerous references to national news coverage depicting Pittsburgh as a polluted, post-industrial sinkhole that hasn't existed in any reputable form since the Kennedy administration.

When asked to comment on the damage already caused and the possibility of several more days of violence, a spokesman for the G20 world leaders stated simply, "It's still nicer than Cleveland."

....goddamnit Cleveland

Why do you make it this easy to mock you? For those of you who are interested: the real bear is still loose, the cardboard bear is safely locked in the utility closet of Fox 8 news.......for now. Some say when the full moon rises and it's a particularly dry night, the cardboard nightmare stalks the night, delivering papercuts and moving in its haunting, wavy pattern.

Broken In Brief: Madden 2010 laughs at man trying to select Browns as team

CLEVELAND—Local man Doug Katsen, 26, unemployed, reported today that when he tried to select the Cleveland Browns as the team he would play in the "Franchise Mode" of Madden 2010, the game paused, audibly laughed at him, and then shut down the XBox 360 console on which he was playing.

“I tried to pick the Brownies and a little box pops up asking me if I had done that by accident or on purpose. Then another box popped up asking if I was doing this of my own free will,” Katsen said, the #17 Braylon Edwards jersey he was wearing visually punctuating this sad scene.

“Then it paused, as if it couldn’t understand what was happening, before chortling in a dismissive manner and shutting itself off. I paid $60 bucks for this game! You mean I can’t relish in the glory of a Brady Quinn to Mike Furrey pass? The splendor of D’Qwell Jackson tackling a runner after a nine yard gain? The corpulent majesty of a digital sideline Mangenius? I’m pissed!”

When asked to comment, representatives for EA Sports were shocked to hear of the revelation, noting that they had not expected anyone to actually select the Browns, Detroit Lions, Jacksonville Jaguars, or Cincinnati Bengals for any other reason than having lost a bet.

“The game is pretty advanced; I’m betting the AI just couldn’t comprehend what was going on and shut itself down to prevent the processor from exploding,” explained EA lead programmer Greg Ng. “In fact we don’t even let the “choose a random team” function select those teams for fear that the gamer might smash his machine. They're only in there because of legalese and licensing requirements. We never imagined these teams had fans.”

“But rest assured if that’s the team that Mr. Katsen wants to play, we will send him an edited copy that removes our finely tuned sensibility barriers. Even if it does violate US laws about mailing instruments of torture through the mail,” said Ng, visibly shuddering. “Christ, there are some sick freaks out there. Takes all kinds, I guess. Takes all kinds.”

Obama in the process of preparing to roll up his sleeves

If you've been watching the health care debate you've certainly had some question. Namely "I'm fucking relying on a bunch of ignorant elected money whores deigning to give be the option of getting health care coverage like theirs?" and "Why in the name of the Baby Jesus is Obama letting the dipshits in the Senate lead the way here?" which is usually followed by you slamming your head off of something hard and uttering some form of the phrase "We're all doomed to die of the plague in the gutters." Well Obama has heard the sound of skull meat connecting with various forms of lumber and decided that maybe he should, I don't know, do something.

With skepticism about the president's health-care reform effort mounting on Capitol Hill -- even within his own party -- the White House has launched a new phase of its strategy designed to dramatically increase public pressure on Congress: all Obama, all the time.

Senior White House aides promise "an aggressive public and private schedule" for Obama as he presses his case for reform, including a prime-time news conference on Wednesday, a trip to Cleveland, and heavy use of Internet video to broadcast his message beyond the reach of the traditional media.

"Our strategy has been to allow this process to advance to the point where it made sense for the president to take the baton. Now's that time," said senior adviser David Axelrod.

First off: going to Cleveland? You want to know the only thing that you can convince people to support by going to Cleveland? Burning down Cleveland. Secondly: now is the best time for the President to take the baton? Wouldn't it have been better for Barry to take the baton before a dozen terrible senators got done diddling health care in the backseat of a Camaro and before the collection of idiots that fancy themselves centrists tried to put the breaks on everything? Before his health care numbers got driven below 50%?

Still he's going to meet some rough opposition. The GOP is deploying it's secret weapon:...Michael Steele? Really? That's the guy they want out opposing Obama? The same stupid one who runs the RNC? True to his incompetent form, Steele was out today describing Congressional Democrats and Obama as forming a dishonest 'cabal' that would deny people coverage and ration care. Ahh leave it to Steele to choose the exact words and descriptions that describe the practices of the health care industry. Next he'll accuse Democrats of being made up of rich, old, white southerners. But despite withering critiques from a moron, Obama is going to wear out some shoe leather convincing people that this private plan, health care thing is a good idea. He's voluntarily going to Cleveland, how much more serious and self-sacrificing can the man get on the issue?

Broken News: Detroit accidentally invited to Rust Belt party

Fe → Fe²⁺ + 2 e⁻A distinct awkwardness ensued at this weekend's annual Rust Belt Potluck and Regression Party when Detroit, whom the member cities had agreed not to invite, showed up empty handed and visibly intoxicated, dragging a rusty red wagon carrying the broken remnants of its automotive industry.

"We we getting ready to crack open Toledo's bacon-wrapped meatloaf when, all of a sudden, Detroit kicked open the door," said Rochester, who hosted this year's event. "That prick crashes the party, makes all sorts of comments to Windsor's wife about 'short-dicked Canadians' and then gets indignant when we ask it to leave? He used to be King Shit Auto and can't handle the fact that it's all going downhill and Japan is pulling all the hot model ass he used to pull. Even Korea is fucking with him now. He's on the government dole and just can't deal with it."

The event has taken place every summer since 1983, when the future (or lack thereof) of America's manufacturing base became clear. Typically, the participant cities take turns hosting the party, although Cleveland has skipped its past two scheduled hosting duties due to its ongoing struggles with alcohol and depression.

According to eyewitnesses, Detroit managed to offend each and every city in attendance, at one point taking off its pants and declaring itself "The only Economic Depression Sheriff in Town" while grabbing at its crotch and wildly swinging a tattered aluminum replica of the Stanley Cup above its head.

"We're all in the shits to varying degrees, but we try to stick together, you know?" said Gary, Indiana. "It's not so much a party as a support group. We've all been roundly fucked over by the coupling of government and multinational corporations and it can get pretty depressing. This event is supposed to be a brief reprieve from the soul-crushing despair. Then someone had to go and invite Detroit..."

"He needs help," said Gary as he sighed into a plastic bowl of macaroni salad.

This behavior continued for close to an hour before Syracuse tricked Detroit into believing that Pittsburgh was willing to apologize for rubbing salt in its sporting wounds and was waiting in the driveway. Upon going outside, Detroit was confronted by Duluth, Milwaukee and Youngstown, all of whom were wielding crude street fighting implements. After a tense discussion punctured only by Cleveland's high-pitched, whiny insistence that everyone, "Just calm down and come inside for more Kamikaze shots," a sobbing Detroit ran off into the night, the remainders of his fake trophy scattered across the driveway, the wagon overturned in the gutter.

Speculation continues as to how or why Detroit came to know the time and location of the party, as the participant cities had all agreed not to say anything. In the hours since the incident, Pittsburgh has emerged as the prime suspect. Some think the city of 300 thousand, which has rebounded from the collapse of its heavy industry better than any of the others, might have wanted to gloat over its recently regained "City of Champions" moniker, lack of any major fires or floods, and emerging high tech and medical corridors.

Asked to address the events of the evening, Pittsburgh cracked open another Iron City tall boy, took a long sip, and said, "What? Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear your question over the sound of all this winning. I was just busy reading a few things that I found interesting," The 'Burgh quipped before dramatically throwing down copies of the Economist, US News & World Report, and Rand McNally's Places Rated Almanac, all of which have recently rated Pittsburgh America's "Most Livable" city.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go make preparations for a G-20 meeting. That's right, the Group of Twenty Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors will be all up in my many rivers. Stephen Harper and Susilo Yudhoyono, live and in the flesh, bitches. Not that any of you would know what that's like. See yinz later," Pittsburgh laughed before firing an empty can at the back of Cleveland's head and sauntering out the door.

An embittered Cincinnati, a single tear rolling down its pudgy cheek, was heard to mutter, "He'll be back down here with the rest of us, you just wait," before burying his face between Green Bay's bulbous man breasts.

Detroit has yet to resurface since the evening in question and is believed to be in seclusion aboard a barge anchored in the western end of Lake Erie. This is admittedly speculation, though, as no one seems to be looking all that hard.

While they're down

Sure, football season is still five months away and making fun of Cleveland is akin to trading punches with a quadruple amputee. But damn if this isn't funny. Be sure to look for Sushi Rock, accurately described as the perfect place if you're a douchebag.

Your morning gun-in-mouthing

The New York Times was kind enough to put together an interactive county-by-county map of unemployment rates across the US. This gadgetry should come in handy once you've lost your job and started spending the daytime trying to successfully masturbate to Ellen or C-SPAN or whatever it is you people watch when you're not out earning the hard dollar.

After all, no matter how bad it gets, at least you don't live in Elkhart County, IN (15.3%), Imperial County, CA (22.6%), or Cuyahoga County, OH (only 7.1% but contains Cleveland). Unless, of course, you live in one of those places, although the electricity has probably been shut off by this point, so I'm not inclined to worry.

Anyway, enjoy, sinners.

Eat it, Cleveland!

America's Most Miserable Cities

No. 4 Cleveland, Ohio

Only Denver gets socked with more snow than Cleveland's 52-inch annual average among the 50 largest metros. Clevelanders wait in fear for July 1, 2010, when hoops star LeBron James can switch teams as a free agent.

Pittsburgh ain't even on it. Yet another way we continually better you in meaningless magazine columns and sporting events. Now personally, I would have liked it if they had reasons other than snow and the possibility of LeBron leaving (Big Ben, Crosby, and Malkin ain't goin' anywhere bitches!), because that makes it seem less scientific, but what can you do.

Cleveland, you are miserable and the the only cities you can look down on are Stockton, Memphis, and Chicago. Though really, Chicago is kind of a stretch. Detroit is less miserable than you. Detroit! Hang your head in shame and know we have bested you once again......FORBESTYLE!!!!!