Broken In Brief: Area man briefly distracted just long enough to appreciate womens' tennis as a sport

ST. LOUIS—Two days after the fact, John Anderson isn’t sure exactly how or why it happened. All this local man knows is that sometime during the second set of Saturday's U.S. Open semifinal match between Serena Williams and Kim Clijsters, he had stopped ogling the competitors breasts and asses and had begun to un-ironically appreciate their competition in a legitimate sport worthy of his attention.

“Yeah, I’m not proud of it, but contrary to the conventions of the American sports landscape, I was enjoying a woman’s sport divorced of all crude sexual connotations,” said Anderson, clearly disturbed by the revelation.

“It was somewhere during a third game rally that I noticed I was no longer crudely giggling when one of them grunted. I had begun to take account of their immaculate shot placement and the fierceness of the competition. It was when I turned to my friend Frank and observed that Clijsters was forcing Williams into a lot of unforced errors on her backhand that he looked at me oddly and I understood what was happening. I apologize.”

That friend, Frank Sanders, noted that while he was initially taken aback by this behavior, Williams’ end of match outburst towards a female line judge soon snapped Anderson back into action. “Yeah, when that happened, we went right into making catfight jokes and hooting at the screen,” Sanders relayed. “Thankfully this outburst helped John yank his head out of his ass before the damage became permanent.”

“Still, its hard not to respect everything that Kim Clijsters went through in this tournament. Coming back from a sabbatical after she went to start a family, entering as a wild card,and then winning? It’s really admirable… ”Sanders trailed off, realizing what was happening. “Great! Now I’m doing it too! That Monday Night Football doubleheader better get here fast before I’m forced to mentally grapple with complex gender issues or some shit.”

Broken in Brief: G20 Spouse luncheon turns catty

LONDON--An otherwise cordial opening to this week's G20 summit quickly turned sour as a luncheon for spouses of member country leaders held at London's famous The Fat Duck grew tense and eventually descended to outright catty.

According to a member of the waitstaff who requested anonymity on the basis of retaining gainful employment, the spouses of the world's most powerful leaders barely lasted through the soup course. "Soon as 'at French bird refused the beef and truffle stew, the temperature in the place must've gone down ten degrees," said the server in a clear reference to Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, songwriter, former model, and wife to French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

"Once 'at happen, the Souf' American lady [Cristina Frenandez de Kirchner, wife of Argentinian President Nestor Kirchner] and the Spanish lass [Sonsoles Espinosa, married to Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero] started whisperin' to each ova in Spanish and all gigglin' loike."

Added the anonymous server, "I suppose 'anorexic ancient rock star cum dumpster' is pretty much the same in every language, yeah?"

It was at this point that Bruni took umbrage and commented on the size of both her assailants' hind quarters, using their native tongue. Ms. Bruni then allegedly employed English -- a common language between the three -- to refer in a less-than-diplomatic manner to the Moorish influence on Spanish DNA.

Soon thereafter, America's First Lady, Michelle Obama, removed her earrings and stood up from the table, yelling, "Will you ignorant-ass bitches please shut the fuck up?" before being sandwiched and restrained by Margarita Zavala, Mexico's First Lady, and Laureen Harper, wife of Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

Sources report that Joachim Sauer, husband to German Prime Minister Angela Merkel, watched these entire proceedings contentedly, a large decortive beer stein in one hand and his other resting almost motionless in his lap.