Understatement of the day

Well, the effort to throw up a cap onto the underground oil leak has failed... is failing.... hasn't failed but will... let's just say it isn't going well. Why? Well there was an apparent buildup of of methane hydrates, a crystallized form of methane which has already been blamed for possibly causing the initial... you know what? I don't understand any of this. Magic. Magic is what caused the spill. Magic is what is preventing a fix. Magic. Also, possibly some sort of undersea rebellion/terrorism/Sea War by marine wildlife -perhaps led by Sebastien the sea crab- which I think you'll agree, also qualifies as magic.

Anyway, when confronted with this fact, a spokesman dropped this little bon mot about the capping efforts and laced it with all the optimism he possibly could.

When asked whether the dome effort had "failed," the BP official said, "I wouldn’t say it has failed, yet... but it hasn't worked."

Ooh, you can just feel the sunshine and smiles wafting off that statement. Gotta love that "yet".

So buck up, America. Sure, the one idea they had to cap the massive oil gush didn't work and the main PR guy for BP, sent out to make everyone feel better and cover BP's asses, basically dressed in an undertaker's outfit and started playing a funeral march for the Gulf/efforts to get us to a point where we'd just have to worry about cleaning up the biggest environmental disaster in human history. On the other hand... I'm sure something will be along shortly to distract our news media from having to focus on that.

Oh look, the new Supreme Court pick...

Understatement of the day

President Obama has been taking heat from the crazy sectors of American politics for his recent decisions on nuclear policy and nuclear treaties. And why not? It's rare that these people get a serious chance to concoct ill informed rants about nuclear hellfire and World War III what with the recent conversation tipping so much towards health care and financial regulatory reform. Riffing on Obama turning America into an irradiated wasteland where men have to do battle with atomic mutants because of the failures of liberalism is so much more visceral than trying to concoct a doomsday scenario around increased regulation for financial giants.

To that end, the President was asked about reaction to his nuclear policy, specifically from future gameshow host, wholesale wine spokesperson, and Expert About Everything, Sarah Palin. To his credit, the President didn't wet himself laughing. He just kind of slightly understated what her commentary means to him.

OBAMA: I really have no response. Because last I checked, Sarah Palin's not much of an expert on nuclear issues.

STEPHANOPOULOS: But the string of criticism has been out there among other Republicans as well. They think you're restricting use of nuclear weapons too much.

OBAMA: And what I would say to them is that if the secretary of defense and the chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff are comfortable with it, I'm probably going to take my advice from them and not from Sarah Palin.

STEPHANOPOULOS: But not concerned about her criticisms?

OBAMA: No.

Yes, she isn't much of an expert on nuclear issues, among a vast multitude of other issues most people like to categorize under the header "All the Issues." Wait, strike that, if teen pregnancy, quitting, and snowmobile maintenance ever become national issues, she'd clean up.

I know what you're saying "How is Sarah not an expert on this issue, given that the treaty is with Russia and given her oft stated foreign policy expertise/coastal sight lines with Russia?" Ahh, dear reader, she can see Russia, thus making her a general expert on it and a sworn protector of the mainland from Putin's influence, but she can't see any of their nuclear or missile launch facilities from Wasilla, so how can she know that much about them?

So thank you Mr. President for taking the understated, classy route. You could have yelled "The bitch is crazy", "What is it you in the media think she fucking knows about anything?", you could have laughed for so long that it started to make interviewer George Stephanopolous uncomfortable, or you could have just dead eyed George and asked him "Are you shitting me? Sarah Palin?", but you didn't. You just hinted she shouldn't be listened to about anything, noted that you have actual policy and military experts that you consult, and kept the sarcasm to minimal levels. Nicely understated.

Perhaps I was too hasty...

You know earlier I awarded the understatement of the day the Jerusalem city officials over their "zoning issues" comment on the Middle East peace process. I think I might have jumped the gun. I clearly forgot about Southern Republican's capacity for racial insensitivity and treason celebration.

As you might be aware, April is Confederate History Month as so declared by Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell. Quick historical recap: they seceded, piles of bodies, we put boot to ass, four score and seven, yay North! It is also African American Woman's Fitness Month, National Car Care Month, Irritable Bowel Syndrome Month, Holy Humor Month, Soy Foods Month, and National Straw Hat Month. It's a busy month. But in his declaration of National Traitor Appreciation Confederate History Month, Governor McDonnell forgot to leave out one tiny thing about the war that all previous governors seemed to have remembered. I'll let you guess which one. Hint: it involved the blacks.

McDonnell said Tuesday that the move was designed to promote tourism in the state, which next year will mark the 150th anniversary of the start of the war. McDonnell said he did not include a reference to slavery because “there were any number of aspects to that conflict between the states. Obviously, it involved slavery. It involved other issues. But I focused on the ones I thought were most significant for Virginia.“

Yes, there were any number of aspects to the Civil War, Bob. Sure, there were other issues. Sure that business with the dark ones was kind of sort of tangentially involved with what Confederates appreciated. However I'm going to go out on a limb here and speak for historians: slavery... yeah it kinda was one of the larger issues. Some might say the largest one. I don't want to speak out of turn, but I think the consensus is in on that one.

So I think Bobby is in contention for Understatement of the Day. Yeah, reducing slavery into just one of the many issues and aspects surrounding the Civil War and one not even significant enough to warrant a mention? Yeah, that's going to fit in nicely.

I don't know, maybe we need to start up a National Southern Education About Slavery Month or Admitting You Are Celebrating Atrocities and Treason in Your Defense of the Confederacy Month. Maybe they could be this month. We'll just bump Prevent Lyme Disease in Dogs Month, National Pecan Month, or Women's Eye Health and Safety Month to May in order to free up some space.

Understatement of the day

Maybe you've noticed the tensions in the Middle East lately. Or should I say: the slightly more tense than usual tensions in the Middle East. It started off with news of more Israeli settlements being announced with the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the groin during VP Biden's diplomatic trip to Jerusalem and has since escalated into a childish one-upping of snubs, terse statements, flow charts about Israeli building codes, photo ops, photo op snubs, and the general level of childishness one would expect from the Middle East peace process.

It has, of course, thrown the Israel/Palestine negotiations into chaos. Which isn't a surprise, seeing as how everything does that. The breakfast you had this morning? That really fucked up the peace process. But in explaining how recent diplomatic tensions between Israel and the US have risen stemming from the Biden/settlement incident, one of the biggest understatements in the history of the peace process might have been dropped in an attempt to sweep this whole kerfuffle under the rug.

The Jerusalem municipality has approved 20 new apartments for Jews in an Arab neighborhood of east Jerusalem, the city said Wednesday, in a move that could stir a new diplomatic crisis with the United States just as Israel's leader is in Washington on a fence-mending visit.
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The Obama administration is seeking "clarification" of the latest building plan and continues to believe Israeli construction in Jerusalem is destructive to the Mideast peace process, said White House spokesman Tommy Vietor.
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Jerusalem city officials have tried to play down the project as a zoning issue.

Yes, a zoning issue. One of the biggest problems in the Middle East peace process, settlements, has been distilled down into "zoning issues". Well that is correct, much like World War II started with zoning issues in the Sudetenland. This is slightly different that what's going on in Haiti, which is reeling in the aftermath of some building code issues.

The unnamed Jerusalem city officials are right, it's just a problem stemming from the fact that Israeli zoning and building codes are based in the Book of Genesis. You trying getting those laws changed.

So a round of applause for the Jerusalem city officials. Your gift for understatement is not lost on us. Well played.