Wishing California and Washington well

DIY Counterterrorism

So you're mad that in the nearly nine years since 9/11, no one has seemingly taken an interest in hunting down Bin Laden. Obviously there's only one solution: find a gap in your work schedule at the construction yard, focus the religious fervor you've built up over the years, and head over to wander the Pakistan border with night vision goggles and a katana. Obviously.

An American armed with a pistol and a 40-inch (102-centimeter) sword was detained in northern Pakistan and told investigators he was on a solo mission to kill Osama bin Laden, a police officer said Tuesday.

The man, identified as 52-year-old Californian construction worker Gary Brooks Faulkner, said he wanted to cross over into the nearby Afghan province of Nuristan because he had "heard bin Laden was living there", according to officer Mumtaz Ahmad Khan.
...
"We initially laughed when he told us that he wanted to kill Osama bin Laden," said Khan. But he said when officers seized the pistol, the sword, a dagger and night-vision equipment, "our suspicion grew.
...
"When asked why he thought he had a chance of tracing bin Laden, Faulkner replied, "God is with me, and I am confident I will be successful in killing him," said Khan.

If there's anyone who could track down the most wanted man in the world, it's a middle-aged Californian fork and spoon operator who has a notion about where he heard Bin Laden was.

Haven't you ever been on a job site? You spend your coffee break whistling at the tits of any woman who walks by, bitch about the local sports team, then some guy pipes up and says "I hear that Osama asshole -the guy what done 9/11- is living on the Pakistani/Afghan border in Chitral", and you figure that because Randy, the Rand-dog, knows bricklaying so well, he must know the whereabouts of Bin Laden. So you buy the katana and the goggles and book a trip to the Peshawar province on a mission from God to revenge behead OBL. You know how it is.

Because if there's one thing we know it's that the man trying to hide from the world's intelligence agencies would obviously hide in the area that is populated by civilization, Western tourists and hikers, and is regarded as "relatively safe for foreigners". But, then again, if you're on a mission from God and you go where Yahweh tells you.

So we'd just like to congratulate Mr. Faulkner for putting up seemingly more effort to find Osama than our own government has. Hell, you ex out the religious craziness and the fact that he was immediately outwitted and detained by Pakistani police, this could have been a terrible Bruce Willis movie. One can only hope Bruno read this article and is calling his agent as we speak. Summer 2012.

Our awful elections

It's no secret that our elections are a comic horrorshow of stupidity unrivaled by any country in the world. We tend to have perfected the art of not making the process of electing our political betters about anything substantial; letting nearly every contest devolve into the cheap theatre of name calling, flag eating, and pretending to get offended at the low rent name calling.

And among the dumbest of the races in this especially dumb election year is the Senate race in California. Incumbent Barbara Boxer seems barely aware that she's going to have to contest this race, but I'm sure someone will tap her on the shoulder to remind her to put her name on the re-election form so she can waltz to victory. But in the GOP primary has been the typical shitshow of "You are insufficiently in love with tax cuts" "No, you are insufficiently in love with tax cuts and I deride your level of hatred for Mexicans and love levels of Reagan" "How dare you" and so on and so on. Perhaps you remember presumed frontrunner Carly Fiorina's "demon sheep" ad?

Well Carly is in trouble and may not even make it out of the primary. So, I assume, in an attempt to completely squash her and waste some of the money they have piled around, the DSCC and the California Democratic Party have decided to hoist her on her own demon sheep petard.



May I remind you that this is for a powerful seat in one of the most powerful institutions in one of the most powerful of China's subsidiary countries.... and there were so many mutton based puns that I gave up counting them halfway through after I killed myself.

So take pride America, on of the most important issues in one our largest Senate races is sheep and demon based mockery and mockery of previous crazy commercials. I'd weep, but that places the California Senate race as one of the most serious races in the country. It's actually about an issue that's not completely made up or distorted beyond all recognition. And the production values are top notch. I'm not pulling the wool over your eyes on that one.

/kills self again

And Don't Forget to Remove ALL the Green M&Ms

By now you've likely come to understand the real reason Sarah Palin quit the Alaskan governorship: Straight cash, homey. Also, as Andrew Sullivan pointed out yesterday, making bank carries more weight in today's conservative movement than, say, successfully running a state government.

But what of the perks? One assumes Palin has access to all the warm pig bellies for her aching feet that she'd like. But thanks to a group of dumpster diving California State University students, we now have a more comprehensive list of what, exactly, Palin expects should she grace your rally/university/gun club with her presence.

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – A document fished out of a California state university trash bin last week has prompted a state investigation into the university's foundation arm and its refusal to disclose details related to Sarah Palin's upcoming speech at the school.

[...]

The contract detailed the former Alaska governor's requirements for her visit, including first-class flights from Anchorage to California — if she flies commercial. If not, "the private aircraft MUST BE a Lear 60 or larger ...," the contract specifies.

Also specified in the contract:

• Palin also must be provided with a suite and two single rooms in a deluxe hotel.
• During her speech, her lectern must be stocked with two water bottles and bendable straws.
• Questions, if allowed, must not include words with more than three syllables.
• No questions.
• Mentioning the act of reading a newspaper warrants removal from the event.
• All markers used for scrawling talking points on Palin's hand must be water-soluble.
• No darkies.

Stay classy, Miss Beverly Hills

You know what makes our country great? That even low level beauty queens get a chance to partake in our national dialogue on gay rights in the most hateful and violence advocating ways possible.

I'm sorry, I meant to write "You know what makes our country awful?" I don't know what has come over me, that's been happening a lot recently.

Anyway, let's hear from Miss Beverly Hills 2010 Lauren Ashley, who is vying to become the next Carrie Prejean, in both right wing circles and on the pageant circuit. Only hopefully without so much lying, nudity, and lying about nudity, and much more Christian fundamentalism and Old Testament violence.

“The Bible says that marriage is between a man and a woman. In Leviticus it says, ‘If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them.’ The Bible is pretty black and white,” Ashley told Pop Tarts.

“I feel like God himself created mankind and he loves everyone, and he has the best for everyone. If he says that having sex with someone of your same gender is going to bring death upon you, that’s a pretty stern warning, and he knows more than we do about life.”

First off, thanks to the magazine Pop Tarts for getting into the down and dirty, nitty gritty of the fundamentalist religious beliefs of our rich, white beauty queens. No one believed me when I told them you were America's finest journalistic institution, but you've done good work here.

And just in case anyone is wondering; like everyone else who says offensive shit about gays, she totally has gay friends and they're totally cool with the fact that she thinks they all need to die because they're gay.

But she's right. God's like not only an awesome author (He's like two or three Dan Brown's put together), He's totally like the foremost scientist in the world about life. So even though Leviticus says a lot of shit that no one takes seriously or listens to, along with other things the Bible says about women and sex and marriage, we really need to single out the gay stuff, because eww. Expertly argued. A graduate level religion thesis.

At the very least, when you don't win the Miss California pageant this will set you up nicely for a cash-in tour among evangelicals, conservatives, and Fox News, where you can decry the gay influence and how it kept you from your divine right to become a beauty queen and maybe hook-up with a failed, former first round Ravens QB. Isn't that what faith, God, and religion are all about?

Good morning, here's some sheep

Here's the latest ad for Carly Fiorina's primary bid against Tom Campbell for the GOP nomination for the upcoming 2010 Senate race. In this little segment, which someone actually thought was a good idea, Fiorina attacks Campbell for not being sufficiently sheep-like in regards to tax pledges and GOP orthodoxy, knocks him for being an adult and trying to find solutions to California's massive budget problems, and then decides the ad should devolve into some Dadaist farming nightmare. Literally! I also think the sinister narrator guy lapses into a British accent at some point.

I can't believe someone paid money for this.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.26

Women pay up to 50% more for health insurance premiums
Now that we've inexorably moved one step closer to our new health care utopia with cotton candy insurance that lets us see marmalade doctors, a new study is released showing you the best way to cut your health insurance costs: not be born a woman. Some call it sex discrimination, I'm just glad to note that neither Sean nor I was born with this debilitating pre-existing condition, what with it's assorted lady parts, emotions, and hairless faces. I'm just glad that I can't catch whatever it is they have because...well...let's just say that its because I've quarantined myself off from them and that definitely not the other way around, no matter what Pittsburgh area women tell you.

For Walker, financial fouls mount
For anyone looking to glimpse into the lifestyles of rich athletes and their almost immediate bankruptcies the second they stop playing, take a look a former Celtics power forward Antoine Walker who, at 33, has squandered over $110 million in career earnings. This is why sports fans don't have to worry about player strikes anymore. One would last a month before half the players were out of money.

The New Color Line
I'm about to blow you mind: whites and blacks not only have differing views about things, but those views extend to health care as well! 40% of whites support health care reform compared to 75% of nonwhites, while 38% of whites believe the Obama agenda will decrease their opportunities and 60% of nonwhites believe his agenda will increase their opportunities. So wait, large percentages of those teabaggers were scared that the black man was coming to take their shit? I guess that's something you only could have understood with a poll, or if, you know, you read their placards.

Campaign Report on Human Rights in Iran since 12 June 2009
The International Campaign for Human Rights did an analysis of the situation in Iran and it turns out things aren't so great. Their conclusion? Iran is accelerating its slide into a dictatorship. Excuse me, that must have been a misprint. It probably meant to say further accelerating it's slide into and even more oppressive dictatorship than already exists. That must be it. Still, it surprises me. I mean we all changed our Twitter icons green and made our Facebook location Tehran. Wasn't that supposed to solve everything?

End State: Is California finished?
Yes. Now break it up and sell it to the Chinese. Otherwise they might take us all down with them in their swirling vortex of initiative stupidity and referendum backed budget destroying insanity. Oh sure, we'll miss the entertainment industry, celebrity murder trials, and probably a third and fourth thing. But this is triage man, cut off the diseased leg so the rest of the body can survive! I'm just saying: nukes in the San Andreas fault to break California off from the mainland. It was in the Superman movie being attempted by a super genius, it has to be valid.

Can I see this movie ten times already?

An "exclusive scene" from Roland Emmerich's new disaster porn masterpiece 2012 that was put on the YouTubes. You didn't think Emmerich could top the scene in Day After Tomorrow where Jake Gyllenhaal outruns the cold? How do you like the sound of John Cusack calling his wife to tell her that Governor Fake Arnold is lying about the crisis....and then California explodes and he has to outwit the earth with a limo? Yeah, I thought so. We may be looking at the Citizen Kane of terrible disaster movies.

Pictures of the day

From the Big Picture blog: California being turned into a fiery inferno. I hope it didn't burn any of the stuff Schwarzenegger put out for the governmental yard sale he had to organize to fix the budget.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.28

Dominick Dunne’s Quarter-Century
Lost in all the hubbub over some Senator dying was the passing of Vanity Fair journalist Dominick Dunne. While he wrote on many subjects he was most known and most acclaimed for his work looking at how celebrity and high society interacted with the judicial system. From Claus von Bulow to OJ to Phil Specter he covered a hell of a lot of rich crooks. Vanity Fair has been kind enough to put up links to his greatest hits. Good read.

An Emptied Flask Makes for Empty Promises
As if you didn't already know, science has come out and definitively proven that all that shit you claim you're totally going to do when you're drunk (take a swing at your old man, ask that pretty girl out, better yourself, stop taking shit from people, pulling your life together) are all just drunken bullshit. They even coined a term for it: alcohol myopia. But don't worry, after a couple more shots and a few more beers you'll show those fucking eggheads who'll do what, you'll show everyone.

Small Midwestern States To Be Hit Hardest By Climate Change: Report
Ahh Life, it's your small ironies that give you such great flavor. See it turns out that some of the states most opposed to global warming and climate change legislation will hilariously see their parcels of land most resemble an ultra-hot, skin melting frying pan. Oh sure, we'll all fry, but they'll fry a little hotter and burn a little crisper. Now if only all the coal states were within flooding distance for when the icecaps melt....

California Garage Sale: State Holds Giant Garage Sale To Raise Funds
If you were in the market for a giant state seal with a bear on it it or perhaps some stuff Jerry Brown forgot to take out of his gubernatorial storage locker, the state of California, comically reaping the bitter harvest of electing Arnold Schwarzenegger and their idiotic ballot measure system, have been reduced to hawking their goods in an attempt to pay for stuff like schools. If you buy over $500 worth of stuff, Arnold will personally deliver it to your house and say whichever catch phrase of his you want to hear.

War in Darfur is finished, claims UN commander
You know what I think tipped the tide: the hipsters with their Darfur t-shirts. But still, you see all the good that can happen when you just let a despotic government genocide itself out? By strategically doing nothing we made sure that they'd eventually fall into our trap of getting tired of ethnically cleansing the countryside. Well done, international community!

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.29

Strong Words From Iran’s Opposition
Look out now, Mousavi and the Iranian opposition are speaking out "more strongly than ever" on the issue of religious thugs hijacking their country and election. This was met with what insiders describe as the Supreme Leader laughing "more harder than ever." This will eventually end with Mousavi being fitted with new & improved shackles that are "more stronger than ever." With the end of the 40 day mourning period for Neda, it looks like this whole thing might kick up again. The American media might even deign to cover it. Unless someone important like Donnie Osmond or MC Hammer dies that is.

Paul Stanley, Tennessee State Senator, Quits After Affair With 22-Year-Old Intern
Release the balloons and streamers from the rafters. This marks the 1000th time a gay bashing, holly rolling, no gay adoptions, moralizing crusader for marriage got caught fucking a staffer. He's going to go "focus on his family", which will no doubt involve many awkward silences and his wife's white hot anger of a thousand suns being focused at the most slittable part of his throat. These Bastards gives Mr. Stanley our thanks. In his honor I will be sending him a commemorative cookie cake in the shape of a man nailing someone who isn't his wife and Sean will stifle his own laughter while perusing the donation page on James Dobson's "Focus on the Family" website.

In a Savings Shocker, the Government Discovers That Paper Has Two Sides
Apparently the government, in a scramble to save money without cutting anything important, has found out that if you print stuff on both sides of paper, don't unnecessarily repaint vehicles, delete unused e-mail accounts, and pack soldiers like sardines into transport planes, you can save a buck or two. The Justice Department didn't know you could print copies on both sides of the paper. To be fair the JD did already save us tons of money by not prosecuting the previous administration for torture, wiretapping, or any other Constitutional violations, so maybe they should be allowed to print on one side of the paper.

Stormy Daniels' Political Advisor May Have Been Hit By Car Bomb: Reports
I think this Louisiana Senate race just got interesting. Not only is moralizing hooker banger running for re-election and being challenged by a famous porn star, that porn star's political adviser just survived a car bombing. Take note Chris Matthews, that's political hardball. Still though, car bombing the political adviser to a porn star? Somebody needs to give Dick Cheney something more productive to do with his free time.

A Rorschach Cheat Sheet on Wikipedia?
A helpful hint to all you TB crazies out there: Wikipedia has the answers to the Rorschach test. So when you're going through your next psych evaluation at your job or trying to throw the FBI off your trail of hobo murdering destruction, you'll know to answer "a pony" on the first card, instead of "the founding fathers laughing at my penis" or "the neighborhood dog, ordering me to kill again."

L.A. City Council considers providing loan for Cirque du Soleil performances
Sure, the promise of money has replaced real money in California and Governor Conan is just hacking things out of the budget, but doesn't the state need to get serious and start thinking about the economic stimulus benefits of bailing out an ultra-gay troupe of French-Canadian acrobats? I thought so.

The Michael Jackson Memorial

Goddamn I hate this country.

Smokey Robinson reading a statement from Nelson Mandela. The "I didn't think we were gonna get to see the corpse, but we did" gold casket buzz. The celebrities hanging around like they just showed up to the Grammy's and really needed the bump in album sales next week. The maudlin performances of Jackson hits with famous singers punctuating every line they sung with a look of "I just sang the most meaningful, touching, and important line IN HISTORY" appearing on their faces. The endless stories from people who knew him who want us to know that, no seriously, he was a normal human being at some point. Al Sharpton calling for a national day of mourning. A bankrupt city in a bankrupt state where the Governor is handing out Arnold funbucks and ball & paddle games in lieu of pay, shelling out upwards of $4 million (and climbing) to pay for this circus. I'm sure it'll end with Joe Jackson running out, plugging his new record label, and then announcing he'd set up a kiosk outside where he was going to sell vials of MJ's ground up bones as a surefire cure for erectile dysfunction.

Take note America, this is how you gloss over two decades of child rape, seclusion, baby buying, child dangling, bankruptcy, and emergence as a walking punchline. By pretending he died a week after Dangerous came out. Which was when the rape allegations started up, so that's about right.

Broken News: California to, um, pay you on Tuesday and shit

The Governor, moments after he realized he'd have to star in Terminator 5 and Predator 3 just to keep the schools open

SACRAMENTO—Amid reports of a state budget crisis that threatens to perpetuate government shutdowns, service cuts, missed payments, and defaulted loans, California reassured the world today that everything is copacetic and that the world's 7th largest economy is "totally good for it."

At a press conference held earlier today, Assistant Press Secretary, Barry "Skeeter" Hamilton sought to quell rumors that the state, which has been in a somewhat dire fiscal condition for years now, was in danger of watching its government and infrastructure completely collapse.

"Dude," Hamilton, who asked to be referred to as Skeeter in the press, began, "We totally just want to tell everyone not to panic. Really, chill. Sure, we got some problems, brah. But who doesn't? I mean, Iran just had that coup and Honduras is trying to figure out how to get away with rigging their presidential election. Speaking of which, why do they call it 'rigging?' Isn't that rope? I mean, if you think about it..."

After flashbulbs from the attendant press roused him, Skeeter continued, "Yeah, so don't go blowing your top. Tops. Top top top... So, yeah, trust us. We'll get you the money, we swear. We're totally good for. We're Cali, baby, we'll come through. We just, like, need a little time to sort some shit out. And if we start to totally get hosed, we'll just bring in Blotter."

It was at this point that Mr. Hamilton proceeded to spin an elaborate story about how bail money for California's deadbeat cousin, lackluster returns from a t-shirt & grilled cheese sale in the parking lot of a Widespread Panic show, and an utterly asinine political system that leaves government at the propositional whims of a notoriously head-fucked electorate had left the state "just a little shy" of the $24 billion required to keep it solvent for the next fiscal year.

The solution, according to Skeeter, will come in the form of IOU's issued to creditors, which he assured everyone were, "like, totally as good as money." Skeeter then added, "Come on, man. We're fucking California! You know we're gonna make up for it. Where are we gonna hide? Ask around, brah, people will tell you we're cool."

Despite California's reassurances, the situation looks more dire by the day. Some reports have Governor Schwarzenegger accepting new movie roles in exchange for studios subsidizing essential services, while others claim that parts of the state have been discounted and offered to Mexico as part of a new "sorry we stole it in the first place" sale.

California is not the only state to face potential fiscal crisis during the recession. Indiana has elected to print counterfeit money, while Illinois issued a formal statement declaring its intention to "break the thumbs" of anyone who tried to collect on its debt.

Pennsylvania absconded with all of its possessions in the middle of the night, leaving no forwarding address. Fastened to its front door with a kitchen knife was a note reading, "You'll never see a fucking dime."

Arizona was able to settle an undisclosed but reportedly significant portion of its debt by marrying Cindy McCain and letting her take care of the bills, whereas Ohio sought a temporary solution by paying for its education and social programs with credit cards taken out in California's name.

Connecticut was curious as to why some creditors and lawmakers had thought it was in financial trouble, as it "totally remembers writing a check for the bill and sending it off.” The Nutmeg State attributed what it called "wildly speculative and reactionary paranoia" to a simple postal error, ensuring its state programs that the check was in the mail.

Those who think California's plan to hand out IOU's in lieu of payment was, at best, extremely childish and, at worst, completely fucking ridiculous, were told by the state that any contractor, construction firm, social services center, hospital, or out-of-state debtor unhappy with the plan can redeem their IOU in Washington DC, where The Golden State suspects most of its confiscated weed is kept.

The state also announced that it is willing to perform free massages and engage in a discussion of the recently published policy paper by the State Budget Office entitled "A Study on the Feasibility and Viability of Pleasant Conclusions."

After strongly suggested that all in attendance "Read it and shit," Skeeter told those assembled he would give them further details after he laid down for a bit and recovered from "that laser light that hit me in the eye at the Blue Oyster Cult show."

Soros-funded nanny state home of communist sodomites officially less-gay, more 'Merican

Flag officially invalid as of 5/26/09

So the California Supreme Court upheld a voter-approved ban on same-sex marriage. Strangely enough, this same court has yet to be asked to address the validity of different-sex marriage, an institution that the state takes about as seriously as a balanced budget. Note: California practically invented No-Fault Divorce in 1970.

Naturally, disappointment, sadness, and outrage soon followed. As much as we here at TB think that human beings have every right to lash themselves to whatever mast they choose, I'm starting to think that the problem here is one of patience. After all, the ruling only rejects the argument that marriage should be defined by the state legislature (as opposed to a ballot initiative) and leaves intact the 18,000 or so gay marriages performed in the last year.

Also, and most importantly, it really is only a matter of time:

Fifty-four percent of people questioned in a CNN/Opinion Research Corporation poll released Monday say marriages between gay or lesbian couples should not be recognized as valid, with 44 percent suggesting they should be considered legal.

But among those 18 to 34 years old, 58 percent said same-sex marriages should be legal. That number drops to 42 percent among respondents aged 35 to 49, and to 41 percent for those aged 50 to 64. Only 24 percent of Americans 65 and older support recognizing same-sex marriages, according to the poll.

Still, one is forced to wonder why, apart from legal, medical or financial reasons, homosexuals are so eager to gain access to an institution with a 50/50 success rate. This might just be one of many side effects of my Catholic upbringing or negligable Irish ancestry, but I've never found myself looking at a marriage and saying, "How do I join that club?"

Patience, kids. The rest of the country has to wake up at some point.

Voters are the problem

California voters exercise their power -- and that's the problem

Rightly or wrongly, voters in the special election refused either to extend new tax hikes or to cap state spending. They also declined to unlock funds that they had voted in better financial times to set aside for special purposes.

Nearly a century after the Progressive-era birth of the state's ballot-measure system, it is clear that voters' fickle commands, one proposition at a time, are a top contributor to paralysis in Sacramento. And that, in turn, has helped cripple the capacity of the governor and Legislature to provide effective leadership to a state of more than 38 million people.

Clogged freeways, the decline of public schools, an outdated water system and a battered economy are just a few of the challenges demanding action by state leaders. Instead, they are consumed by yet another budget crisis, one that voters worsened Tuesday.

Wait a minute. Voters deciding important budgetary and legislative matters based on a few months of interest group campaigning, impulse, knee jerk reactions, public distaste or like of the person or persons who created the initiative, and shortsighted views on what's happening now, their unwillingness to scale back when budgetary problems occur, a lack of the understanding they couldn't ever possibly get of the complex budgetary, tax, and legal ramifications of these ballot measures and the many varied problems passing or not passing these measures will cause, let alone the myriad of bad patches, overlap problems, and some complete governmental hamstringing that these varied ballot initiatives create.....has become a problem for the state of California?

No shit. The only people worse at making laws than the people we elect are masses of people in the millions, mostly voting off the marketing language in an ad they saw, a "No on ___" "Say Yes on ____, for the children" sign they saw, and whether Tim Robbins or Rush Limbaugh supports or opposes the measure. Who could have ever guessed that voters weren't realistic about tax rates and spending levels? So now the Governator is left with a smoldering budget crater much larger than the one that got Gray Davis recalled. Arnold is about to hit the part where the only solution is to hack at the schools, public services, police, and fire departments randomly with a machete before complete financial chaos causes California to break off and sink into the sea in a shaky, quaky hellstorm of their own devising.

But hey, at least we might get another amusing recall election that might give them an even weirder governor. Cali might also pass some useful environmental regulations before they are swallowed into the Pacific. So...silver linings.

Thanks California

You know the great thing about having the car industry over a barrel? They pretty much are forced to agree to do all the things that it would have been smart for them to do a decade ago. Plus, if you jerk their arm up behind their back hard enough, they'll agree to extra stuff, like a "one free backrub" card that the President can turn in at any time, a solemn promise to run 300% less "This is ouuuuuuuuur counnnnnntry" ads during the football season, and new fuel standards. What are these new fuel standards? The ones California wanted to pass four years ago.

In a ceremony today at the White House, Obama will establish the first national limits on car exhaust and dramatically raise fuel efficiency standards. The new exhaust target – an average 35.5mpg by 2016 – will force US manufacturers to produce cars and trucks that are nearly 40% more efficient.
...
A senior administration official said the change, which will sharply ramp up today's average 25mpg performance, equates to taking 177 million cars off of America's roads, or shutting down 194 coal plants, and will cut greenhouse gas emissions by 900 million metric tonnes.

The plan is the product of months of negotiations between the White House, the Big Three struggling auto makers of Detroit – General Motors, Ford and Chrysler – and the state of California.

There are two parts to this. First is the raising the CAFE standards to the levels California wanted (cars - 39mpg and light trucks - 30mpg), makes that the national standard, and moves the timetable up to 2016. Second is new emissions standards, which again are California's emissions standards, that put an end to auto industry lawsuits against the standards.

So big thanks to California for pushing for this and big thanks to the auto industry. By holding onto a failed model for so long, filing lawsuit after lawsuit to block this kind of action, and refusing to even consider the possibility that better fuel economy was a smart idea, you brought about your own doom and are now being forced to do what smart people would have done a long time ago. We appreciate it. Now you have a couple more years to get your fleet up to the standards already reached by Japanese car companies reached a few years ago.

Broken In Brief: World’s creditors hire mob muscle, demand payment of American debts

ZURICH—Today the creditors, financial institutions and foreign governments of the world, spurred on by the recent economic crisis, demanded that the United States pay it’s nearly $6.5 trillion dollars in outstanding public debt. To show the seriousness of their demands, the consortium announced that they had hired mob muscle to collect the debt and had told them to do so by “any means necessary.”

“It’s time to pay up,” said Heinrich Gellar, spokesman for the group. “The world is tired of funding your continued excesses and we need to start looking out for our own bottom line. We have instructed out friends in the… extra-legal services department... that they are to use whatever methods they can devise to get our money from the collection of destitute gold-brickin' deadbeats you call a 'nation.'”

Already there were reports of bookies and bag men busting up the Washington Monument, but spokesman for the street toughs said it had all been a misunderstanding and that a few of their associates had just gotten clumsy, tripped, and accidentally knocked the beloved structure over. New York made early reports of its storefront windows being broken and there are unconfirmed reports about Wisconsin having its head put in a vise. President Obama and Treasury Secretary Geithner were quick to point out that the country has gone through a bit of a run of bad luck and that if they could just cut them some slack the US would "totally pay them Tuesday and shit." In a press conference to the assembled media, Geithner made several vague allusions to a tip on a horse he had been given.

The mobsters were quick to respond, throwing Georgia out of a moving car and slowly pushing sewing needles underneath Colorado's fingernails. Representatives for the mobsters said that if America didn’t have the money by next week that, “maybe California ain’t gonna look so pretty no more.” Insiders within the White House are quietly hoping Geithner’s bet on the ponies will work out, otherwise Nevada might be forced to trade sexual favors for another extension.

Nobody was even willing to think about what might happen to Ohio, though one mob peon, speaking on condition of fucking anonymity, shrugged and said, "like anyone would notice."

The Terminator controls all your emissions

The Governor on his zero emissions horse. Get to the chopper!

Obama To Allow States To Curb Auto Emissions

President Barack Obama is pushing stronger curbs on greenhouse gases, saying he wants to make it easier for states such as California to adopt tougher fuel-efficiency rules than the federal standard.

Obama told a White House gathering that "America will not be held hostage to dwindling resources." He said the government must work with the states _ not against them _ on tougher fuel standards for cars and trucks.
...
Obama said Monday that he now wants the Environmental Protection Agency to take a second look at decisions denying permission for states to have the higher standards.

See because California had pollution regulations before the US government did, so as such they can set guidelines if a waiver is granted by the government, whereupon states can choose to follow the Cali or Feddy Gov guidelines. In things such as emissions standards, which affects the types of cars being manufactured, this essentially sets the regulation for the entire country. Last time around the Bush Administration didn't grant the waiver and *gasp* some even suggested that it was for political and not scientific means.

The California regulations would force automakers to cut emissions in their cars and light trucks by 30% by 2016 and 13 states (Arizona, Connecticut, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Vermont and Washington) have already agreed to adopt the Cali regs as soon as they're legal.

Legally Obama has to have the EPA review this, but it is a mere formality (because of the science~!) that they'll side with California and we'll be swimming in a sea of new standards soon. Barry is also expected to raise fuel economy standards to 35 mpg by 2020, a 40 % increase. How do we know this is a great set of ideas? Because John Boehner is pissed off about it. He declared that this attempt to make Detroit modernize it's standards to succeed in the 21st century will hurt Detroit's attempts...to modernize and create jobs in the 21st century. It has something to do with fractions and complex math. Take note America, the government might actually be a force for good again. At least in limited areas and segmented sections of influence.

Chuck Norris on Prop 8

Not Gay

Chuck Norris, from his new post over on Townhall with other intellectual heavyweights like Hugh Hewitt, Dennis Prager and Ann Coulter, decided to pontificate on Prop 8. His black belt conservative thesis: gays should shut up and take it, right schmights.

First, there’s the obvious inability of the minority to accept the will of the majority. Californians have spoken twice, through the elections in 2000 and 2008. Nearly every county across the state (including Los Angeles County) voted to amend the state constitution in favor of traditional marriage.

Nevertheless, bitter activists simply cannot accept the outcome as being truly reflective of the general public. So they have placed the brainwashing blame upon the crusading and misleading zealotry of those religious villains: the Catholics, evangelical Protestants, and especially Mormons, who allegedly are robbing the rights of American citizens by merely executing their right to vote and standing upon their moral convictions and traditional views.
...
There were many of us who passionately opposed Obama, but you don’t see us protesting in the streets or crying “unfair.” Rather, we are submitting to a democratic process and now asking how we can support “our” president.

First off Chuck, and I don't know if this is an easy thing to pick up breaking boards and kicking concrete blocks, people don't really respond well to the denial of basic civil rights with a well timed "get over it." They also don't tend to said denial with a shoulder shrug and a "Well if the majority doesn't want us to have basic rights, then I guess it's OK." Giving the majority what it wants no matter what isn't the principle this country was founded on, it was protecting the minority from the tyranny of the majority. At least that's what we pretended when blacks and women got their day in the sun.

Secondly, stripping a group of people from basic rights and protections and refusing to recognize their relationships as valid isn't the same thing as the guy you wanted not getting elected. That's a whole different kind of savate kick. Furthermore, if the religious groups that spent tens of millions of dollars to codify discrimination into the California State Constitution didn't want any blowback, protests, or boycotts from their involvement, well then they shouldn't have stuck their millions into the fight to strip people of rights. Some people just weren't going to like being revoked to second class status and some of those people were going to blame the Mormon church who provided half the donations to Pro-Prop 8 groups and decided to meddle one state over. That's part of a Democracy too, Chuck. Try and think about that when you're doing the DVD commentray for Walker, Texas Ranger Season 17. Then maybe pontificate on how getting mad over people getting mad over having their rights stripped from them, probably isn't the thing to be mad about, from a historical perspective.

Aww, now where are these people going to get paid to hate?

Sad news everyone. Focus on the Family, America's favorite Dobson related religious bigot breeding ground, is going to have to lay off 20% of it's workforce. I know, it's emotional. Apparently exploiting Christian beliefs for the enrichment and power of James Dobson isn't a lucrative market now with the Democrats in charge. What's even more shocking is that while they don't have the money to pay 20% of their employees, they certainly did have the money to rail against Prop 8 in California. Not Mormon sized money, but money nonetheless.

In all, Focus pumped $539,000 in cash and another $83,000 worth of non-monetary support into the measure to overturn a California Supreme Court ruling that allowed gays and lesbians to marry in that state. The group was the seventh-largest donor to the effort in the country. In addition Elsa Prince, the auto parts heiress and longtime funder of conservative social causes who sits on the Focus on the Family board, contributed another $450,000 to Prop. 8.

Here's some of what they did

Helped found (in 2003) the organization that led this campaign;
Paid for early polling to determine the best ballot language and strategy;
Assisted with a major fundraising event for the campaign;
Encouraged pastors to get involved (which they did in remarkable ways);
Aired broadcasts urging financial and prayer support from around the country; and
Provided major coverage of the campaign via radio, Internet, mail and Focus magazines

I can't tell, does this fall into the minor reaping what you sow or getting just desserts categories? Here's hoping God curses you with more layoffs, you deserve it.